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Christmas isn't pretty, friendly, full of love this year. It has become a reflection of suffering and pain and even if his parents and siblings try to give him the brightest smiles and warmest hugs Josh still feels like made of ice on the inside. Knowing that he will not be there when they open their presents in the morning his mum gives him his earlier, it is something he wished for in a long time but it has lost importance now, so he tries to thank her politly and fails, but Laura does understand, she just pulls him closer, kisses his temple and tells him to go.
The streets are silent, the snow covered lanes untouched and leaving traces Josh wonders if he is leaving marks in the life of other people too, signs of him that stay there when he's long gone. She sure has left some, many even, and as much as he is glad about that as much he wishes she could just be forgotten, the thoughts of her buried with the broken body they lowered into the ground.
His house is dark, it's the only one in a row of cheerfull blinking homes with not even one light on the inside, but nobody complains. The neighbours know what's up,they have not come over this year to wish him merry christmas because they know it might never be merry again, not for him. When he stops his car in the driveway Josh gives himself a minute to gather, leans his head on the steering wheel, inhales. This is one of the hardest walks he has ever done, right behind the one to her grave.
He tries to be silent as he pulls in the key and opens the door, but the lack of noise inside makes his actions sound like symphonies as they echo through the empty hallway. She always had placed the tree there, she had liked to have a big one that she could decorate for days. This year it's space is empty, just another reminder of her lack of presence. Sighing Josh begins to search, wanders around the emtpy, rooms, recognising the mess is gone. Kelly must have come over and took care of it, like she always does since she is away. They all have gotten a routine in comforting him and Josh wonders if that will ever change again.
It's on the first floor, in the room they used to sleep in together and that he doesn't use anymore, where Josh finally finds him. The view is breaking his heart even more then he expected, and for a moment he has to stable himself on the doorframe, grab it until his knuckles go white to not give in into the sadness and cry. Tyler lies there, unmoving, in the bed he avoided since the day she died, holding one of her dresses close, trying desperatly to safe the scent, the feeling of her that he starts to forget, that fades after all these months without her.
He doesn't recognise his friend, he is so far gone that he can't find back on his own and Josh doesn't know how long he will have strength left to go find him and make him follow. It starts to kill him slowly, it takes all of him but still he can't stop, can't retread, can't let his friend go. Undressing his trousers and hoddie Josh crawls into the sheets with him then, let his arms slip around the fragile, way to boney body and let his lips wander up his neck, only brushing his skin slightly, their bodily equivalent to an spoken "Hello.".
Tyler doesn't turn, he doesn't even flinch, but in no time his fingers lock with the drummers and Josh knows he is not going to let that grip go anymore. It will be his connection to life tonight. Ignoring the ache in his heart he starts the ritual then, increases the affections, the kisses, the strokes, smiles and crys on the first noises he is able to drew out of him, it makes him wanna stop and go on at the same time.
Yet he knows every curve, every spot of his best friends body, still he searches for the ones he has not found yet every time. It's a act of worship, of defending, of making him believe he's lovly, no matter how ugly his mind might have gotten on him. It takes Tyler particular long to react to it today. When he finally does, Josh knows he's screwed the moment his friend turns aprubtly, crushes their lips together, takes over dominance. It wouldn't matter to him if this was only loosing control about their current situation, but he feels like he's loosing control over all of this and that is what will break him in the end.
Josh can't pretend that the way Tyler touches him is careing, loving, with desire. He can't disclaim the fact that he is just using him to get the anger off his heart, the sadness off his chest, the insanity out of his mind. Still Josh loves him too much to tell him to stop, is too hooked to the chance that Tyler might enjoy this as much as he is and not just sticks to it because he has no other way to go.
They do not make out, they collide, too hard for their own measure, too soft to cover the pains they feel. It's the aftermath that is different today, still wordless and soaked in despair, but with a hint of hope when Josh holds him close to his heart and suddenly feels tears running down his chest. Running his hand throuh his friends hair he closes his eyes. Maybe Tyler will never love him, not the way he wants him to do. But if he would heal on him, then it would be more then he could ever ask for.