Work Text:
It started on an evening like any other, after they had finished eating. It was an odd day, so it was just Grace and Simon, with Adrian and Rocky away at their own homes. They sat facing each other at the table in Grace’s house.
“Over the course of the first three seasons, they slowly and steadily build the show’s mythology, but in season four, with the introduction of angels and Heavenly politics is when the show really begins to shine,” Grace said, hands moving as he spoke. He forgot how they got on the subject, but he felt the need to defend his favourite character. “The writing for Castiel especially is always just fun and interesting, and so different from any of the other characters.”
Chin resting on his hand, Simon listened, a slight smile on his face.
“In the first episode of season four, Lazarus Rising, they spend most of the episode building Castiel up. It’s pretty intense, and really cool, and…” Grace trailed off, self consciousness rising. He didn’t know how long he’d been talking for, but, “Sorry, I’m probably boring you.”
“Fuck,” Simon breathed out with a laugh. “I like you so much.” The moment the words left his mouth, Simon stiffened. “I mean— I just—” He trailed off and fell silent.
Grace froze. It was hard to miss the confession, accidental as it was. Clearing his throat, he laughed, awkwardly. “Anyway—”
“Ryland,” Simon interrupted him. “Seriously, I’m sorry, can we just—”
“I need to go!” Because that much was true at least. Grace needed out, away from the moment, the conversation. His chair screeched as he stood and headed for the door, slamming it shut behind him.
He got down to the shore before his legs failed him, and he stumbled into sitting. The waves just brushed his feet as Grace sat there and tried to remember how to breathe.
A minute or five later, he wasn’t sure, Simon joined him. He sat down beside him, leaving a careful space between them. That’s how Grace knew it was serious, because on any other day, Simon wouldn’t have come so close to the ocean.
Silence hung heavy between them. The lump in Grace’s throat was too thick for him to be able to say anything. Finally, Simon did. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. It just slipped out. I know you don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. Can we just… pretend I never said it?”
Slowly, Grace turned and took Simon in. The other man looked resigned but calm. And what else could Grace do, but nod and say in a quiet voice, “okay.”
Nothing more was said as they stayed there, together, until the sun went down.
***
Despite what Grace had said, had agreed to, he didn’t forget Simon’s confession. It almost felt like he’d failed Simon, or tricked him somehow. Because there was no logical explanation for the other man having feelings for him.
And he was right, Grace didn’t feel that way about him. He didn’t feel that way about anyone. All his previous relationships had been proof of that. It just wasn’t for him, and Grace had long ago made peace with that fact.
He’d hoped it wouldn’t matter, when it came to him and Simon. That they could be friends, companions, without anything else. Grace really should’ve known better.
After the confession, life went on in the Biodome. Grace kept teaching his classes, and Simon tended to the greenhouse. They ate most of their meals together, or with Rocky and Adrian. The four often watched movies and shows together, with Grace getting the others caught up on modern human culture.
Nothing changed, except everything had changed for Grace.
***
The best way Grace could describe it was that he was waiting. Every interaction he had with Simon, a part of him stood by and watched and waited. It was inevitable that it would come between them; Simon’s feelings, and Grace’s inability to reciprocate.
That’s what had happened in the past, every single time. People wanted “more”, Grace either failed to give it to them or refused to, and so they would leave. That was the way these things worked.
People loved him. He didn’t love them back. That upset them, so they left. It would happen with Simon too.
It started affecting Grace, the anticipation. Food stopped sitting easily in his stomach, so he ate less. Sleep came to be elusive as his worries circled his head, so his hours of sleep became shorter. Anxiety was his constant companion, hanging around his throat like a noose.
But it was fine. Grace was fine. He was handling it.
Up until he fainted during class one day, two weeks after Simon’s confession.
***
When Grace woke up, it was to find he was laying in his bed. Rocky was on a chair made for Eridians beside him. “Grace sick question?” His friend sang. The worry he felt was clear from the tone of the notes, to the way his carapace shook and shifted.
“Sorry,” Grace started with, because that felt important to say. “I’m fine, really.”
“Grace lose consciousness suddenly, and for a long time,” Rocky chided. “That is not actions of being well.”
Unfortunately, he couldn’t argue with that one. “Something happened that upset me. When humans are upset, our bodies hold the stress. It got away from me, I guess.
“What happened?” Rocky asked.
He didn’t see a way to get out of the conversation without telling the truth, so Grace did. “...Simon has feelings for me. Romantic ones, that I don’t reciprocate.”
Rocky let out a series of notes that Grace knew were the Eridian equivalent of cursing. “So it is Simon’s fault.” Before Grace could say anything else, Rocky stormed out of the room.
Later, Adrian told him what happened next.
Rocky confronted Simon. Simon responded he hadn’t done anything (that much, Grace had to admit, was true; he hadn’t treated Grace any differently in the past two weeks). Adrian had sided with Simon, much to Rocky’s dismay. Nothing very productive followed, except that by the end of it, Rocky had resolved to Fix It.
This came in the form of the two Eridians herding Simon and Grace into Grace’s house, telling them to “use their words” (which, rude), and shutting the door behind them as they left.
With a sigh, Simon took his seat at the table, and waited with exaggerated patience for Grace to do the same. Finding no other route available at the moment, Grace did so. When it became apparent that Grace wasn’t going to say anything, Simon spoke. “I thought we agreed to pretend I didn’t say anything.”
“We did,” Grace replied.
“Okay, then why are you freaking out?” Simon asked.
“I’m not freaking out!” Grace responded, his voice several octaves higher than normal. Simon looked at him in a way that conveyed disappointment that he even tried to pretend otherwise. With a sigh, Grace felt his shoulders slumped. “I can’t forget about it,” he admitted.
“Why?” Simon said.
Grace hesitated, swallowed, and spoke. “Historically speaking, once people develop feelings for me, then they have expectations. Things they want from me. Things I can’t give them.”
A frown overtook Simon’s face, like a storm cloud blocking the sun. “And you think that’s going to happen with me.” Grace nodded. Simon sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. “Ryland, I don’t want anything from you except what we already have.”
“What?”
“I want the movie nights we have with Adrian and Rocky,” Simon started, “and your advice when I get stuck on something in the Greenhouse. To have meals together, and sit together afterwards. The way you grab my arm when you get stressed out or embarrassed at whatever we’re watching. How you fall asleep on my shoulder, and the way you aren’t afraid to touch my shoulder to get my attention.”
“...I don’t understand.” Grace admitted.
“Ryland,” Simon sighed. “I’ve been in love with you for years. Since the day you showed me the Greenhouse.” Grace inhaled sharply, thinking of how that’d been, what, five years ago? “And I know you don’t love me the same way that I love you. And that’s okay. Because you’re still family. The best friend I’ve ever had, though I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell Adrian that.”
That surprised a laugh out of Grace. Judging by the reflexive smile it earned him from Simon, that had been his aim.
“What we have together,” Simon’s voice grew soft and vulnerable for the first time during the conversation. “It means everything to me.”
“But… Do you want more?” Grace pressed.
Simon blinked at him. “Like what?”
Wildly, Grace cast around in his brain. “To hold hands?”
“We already do, though,” Simon pointed out. “You always initiate it. I never do.”
…Shit. He was right. “Okay, well, what about kissing? Sex?” Grace cringed reflexively at the thought.
With an amused huff, Simon shook his head. “Naw, that’s never really mattered to me. Or been a priority.”
Grace deflated. “Oh.”
“Ryland,” Simon spoke deliberately, waiting until Grace met his gaze. “If I could ask you for anything, it’s the chance to prove it to you.”
“To prove what?” Grace asked warily.
“That I can love you, without any strings attached. You don’t need to do anything or be anyone other than who you already are. Would you let me show you?” Simon’s gaze was steady and sure.
More than anything else, that’s what made Grace agree. “Okay.”
Finally, Simon smiled, like the sun breaking through the clouds.
***
Life went on. Grace kept watching, but quietly; observing without waiting. And Simon was true to his word. He didn’t push, or ask for something that Grace wasn’t willing to give him. Simon simply wanted his companionship, his presence.
Except now, Simon was quicker to smile. More open with his praise. Grace hadn’t realized how much time the other man spent censoring himself until he stopped doing so.
It was just small things. A quick “thanks,” when Grace passed him a dish to dry. An amused smile when Grace got onto a tangent. A hand to Grace’s back to steady him, when they walked side by side.
It took a while, but eventually, a simple truth presented itself; Simon could love Grace, without Grace losing Simon. His feelings were a gift, freely given, without any expectations. Simon loved Grace, and Grace didn’t love him, and that was okay. They were okay.