Chapter Text
“Holy shit, did you see how crazy the crowd went for the Evolve remix?!”
The backstage area was filled with adrenaline and bottles of beer clinking against each other. The band had just finished their Lollapalooza afterparty in Chicago, and with that their first ever club-like gig, fittingly named “CLUBSOS”.
Luke and Calum were excitedly chattering about their new sound and setlist, both pretty much wasted already. The brunette swiftly stole the bassist’s open vodka redbull and took a few sips, giving him a sly grin. “Arsehole..” the other muttered, but the matching grin on his face showed that he didn’t mind all that much.
Luke took another sip from the can, then passed it back to Calum before glancing over his shoulder. He could’ve sworn that he felt someone looking at him, but when he looked at his other bandmates, he found them deep in conversation about.. fennec foxes? That was odd.
The chatter was still as lively as ever as their security escorted them outside and to the buses, with half of them stumbling along the way while the other half waved to the fans who lingered behind to see them after the show.
Once they had all stumbled into the cramped bus and all the equipment was loaded into the back, the excitement slowly died down and shifted to tired, mindless chatter about whatever came to their heads. Calum was pitching a ridiculous lyric idea to Ashton for a new song, and the latter just shook his head while chuckling at the stupidity of it.
Meanwhile, Michael’s head was leaned against Luke’s shoulder, one arm draped around his waist as he showed the brunette a silly TikTok video on his phone. Luke simply shook his head and ruffled the redhead’s hair.
“Your feed is a mess, honestly. It fuckin’ baffles me every time,” he said quietly, before burying his face in his hair and pressing a peck against his hairline.
Michael fell silent for a moment, tilted his phone so that Luke wouldn’t see the screen, then clicked the search bar of the app and typed something. “Are you serious?”, the brunette muttered, trying to catch a peek, but to no avail. He sighed quietly, then let his own arm slip around the shorter man’s waist and pulled him closer. “Asshole.”
But when Michael finally tilted the phone back towards him and he saw the video that now played on the screen, his breath caught. It was a fan edit, and while it obviously wasn’t the first one he’d seen of himself, it surely was always a bit of a surprise to him to see a ship edit of himself with Michael. This time, he was less surprised by the edit himself, but rather at why the hell his bandmate was watching them, even more so now showing him.
They both fell silent as the quiet music played in the background.. And Michael began to scroll, watching one edit after another. The music ranged from their own songs over Billie Eilish and Chappell Roan to Bella Kay. With all the thirst traps, sad edits and clip compilations, his intoxicated brain was quickly overwhelmed with the mix of nostalgia and old feelings he thought were buried far in the back of his brain.
The next video was an old video of them in London, when they were about to open for One Direction. Why in the everloving fuck was Michael showing him this?! Luke’s brain was too foggy to understand what was going on, but the redhead’s voice quickly pulled him away from his thoughts.
“Oh, I remember this.. Fuck, I had the fattest crush on you back then..”
“What.”
With how slurred Michael’s voice was, Luke thought he had misheard. After all, the sentence he understood was simply impossible. Inappropriate at the very least, considering they were both married with daughters.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t know, Lu,” Michael said, chuckling as he nudged the brunette’s side. “I was being so fucking obvious.”
No. Luke, in fact, had not known. This new information, as mundane as it might’ve sounded to outsiders, had completely thrown him off track, his head suddenly loud with different thoughts, all fighting for his attention at once.
Crush? Was that even possible? How could Michael have had a crush on him? When? Had other people known? How had he not known? Was Michael just playing some sick prank on him? Had Michael known about Luke’s feelings from the beginning, and he had just been too stupid to notice?
He could already feel the distant throb of a headache forming in his temples, his delicate fingers subconsciously massaging his temples as he tried to process the gut punch of a sentence Michael had hit him with.
“What kind of bullshit are you even talking about, Michael?” Luke snapped, the words sounding harsher than intended. “There’s no way you had a crush on me.”
Michael blinked in surprise before breaking out in surprised laughter. “Are you fucking joking, Luke? Mate, I was literally all over you back in 2013, why do you think the Muke Clemmings thing even started?”
Luke paused, but the question didn’t help or calm him down in the slightest. If anything, it only made the mess in his brain worse. Everything was so loud all of a sudden, he couldn’t think straight… He just couldn’t accept Michael’s words as the truth, even if he tried.
“Stop fucking around, Michael! I mean it. This sick joke of yours isn’t funny, so cut it out!” He slurred, voice rising in pitch and volume.
The sudden argument made Calum and Ashton look over curiously, if a little worried. “Relax, dude..” Calum said, trying to soothe the brunette, but there was no use. The latter had already shot up from his seat and began to walk back to his bunk in the bus. The redhead followed, placing a hand on his shoulder to hold him back.
“Fuck, Luke, it’s in the past now! I didn’t think it was such a big deal to you. It doesn’t matter now, anyway, we’re both married!” Michael shot back, his voice rising now as well.
Luke shrugged his hand away, glaring at him over his shoulder. His brown curls were a sweaty mess and his eye makeup was smudged from the intense show. “Fucking quit it already, I don’t even care! It means nothing to me, so what? Some stupid crush you had thirteen years ago. Why would you even tell me that?”
The redhead’s brows furrowed in confusion as he looked at Luke’s frustrated expression. “Dude, come on.. I thought it was- ugh, nevermind. Just forget I said that, okay? Just forget it.”
Before he could add another word, the younger man already shot back. “Go fuck yourself.” And he walked off, closing up the sliding door between the hangout area and bunk beds, then climbed into his bunk bed and slid the curtain shut. He didn’t even bother to change out of his stage outfit or take his makeup off.
In the meantime, Michael had sat next to the band’s oldest, knees pulled to his chest as he leaned against his shoulder. The other slipped an arm around his torso, pulling him close in a side cuddle.
“The fuck did I do..?” the redhead muttered, his voice suddenly small.
“Hey.. ‘s not your fault, Mikey. He’s just bein’ a fuckin’ idiot, I don’t know what’s up with him.” Ashton responded, rubbing his arm. “Let’s give him some space and talk about this when we’re sober, yeah?”
Michael nodded, snuggling closer against his side as he let his eyes fall shut for a moment.
Luke was livid, to say the least. He tossed and turned in the small bunk bed, unable to shake the uneasy feeling that spread in his stomach every time he thought about what Michael had said to him. He felt hot and cold all at once, hands clenching and unclenching against the blanket he didn’t bother to slip under.
What the hell was he supposed to do now? He was married, for fuck’s sake! He couldn’t be thinking about this stupid guy he had feelings for when he was 16, it was completely inappropriate! And how dare that stupid guy tell him that he had reciprocated the feelings back then, and Luke had been oblivious to it?
The more the brunette let his mind wander, the more the anger and frustration shifted to a strange sense of grief. How different would his future be if he had known? Would he have been happy with Michael, if they had just been honest with each other? If he hadn’t been so oblivious?
He didn’t even notice the tears that began rolling down his puffy cheeks, smudging the rests of his mascara over his face and into the pillow. He curled up on his side, hands pressed against his chest as a muffled sob slipped from his lips.
Why? Why the hell did he still care so much about this? It had been thirteen years, over a decade since then. He should have been over it, by a long shot.. And yet, the stabbing pain in his heart lingered, like a knife slowly twisting from within.
Did he still love his bandmate, all those years later? But there was no way, and even if there was, he had no chance now. He was married, with a baby daughter. Michael even had two daughters of his own.
Luke couldn’t go back, even if that wish slowly coiled in his tummy, spreading throughout his whole body and making him shudder in discomfort.
Between gentle sobs, hiccups and lots of tears, he slowly felt his mind slip away despite the thoughts still rummaging loudly in his head. The exhaustion in his bones caught up to him, and he fell asleep.
A gentle dream calmed his trembling body, of old times, back when everything was easier. Instead of being so oblivious, he had confessed his feelings to Michael, and he could proudly call him his boyfriend to anyone who asked.
But that would never be real life, right?