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2010, Portugal.
Dan isn’t quite sure how much water is left in his body, or Phil’s, after the amount of Sangria the pair have consumed as he stares into the blue of the sky. It’s pretty, he thinks. He’s kind of surrounded by blue, the sea at his feet and the sky above him, yet his favourite shade of blue lies within the eyes of the dark haired boy who lays next to him in the hot sand.
Dan’s face turns to look at him, his eyes study the slope of Phil’s nose. If they weren’t in the middle of a public beach, he’d lean over and pepper small kisses over Phil’s face until the pair of them were drowning in giggles. The thought swirls deep in his gut as he attempts to return his focus to the clouds above him. The sun on his bare chest is starting to burn as he realises he definitely hasn’t put enough suncream on, the worry in his mind is more about Phil rather than himself given the difference in their complexions. Lord knows that Phil needs the protection far more than Dan does.
The tiny grains of sand have invaded every crevice of Dan’s skin, every inch of him is covered and beginning to itch. He flexes his hands by his side, stretching his arms ever so slightly, part of him almost hoping he’ll graze his skin against Phil’s. He pulls back before he gets the chance, sinking his fingers deeper into the sand as if to physically restrain them from moving, fear clouding his mind as he considers the people around them. He averts his gaze from the sky for a moment to scan their surroundings, only finding two families from afar. He’s not sure they would even catch sight of him and Phil, he knows he won’t take the chance. His vision is hazy from the alcohol, his mind clouded with the thoughts he tries so hard to push further down. His body shuffles slightly in the sand, turning to face Phil once more.
Phil is entirely still, his eyes are closed and hiding the beautiful colours Dan finds himself so easily lost in. His lips are beginning to part slightly, Dan blinks hard in an attempt to take his mind away from how particularly soft they look. His left hand is splayed across his stomach, his right hand in the sand only a few inches from Dan’s. Phil is always so, so pretty. There’s no world where Dan could ever get bored of something as simple as studying his face, his eyes linger across his pale skin under the warm golden sun for a few more moments before Phil’s eyes blink open.
‘’Do you think that cloud kind of looks like a corgi?’’ Phil’s voice, to Dan, is the sweetest sound. If he was given the chance, he’d bottle it, burn it onto a CD and play it forever without a moment of boredom. He almost doesn’t hear or register Phil’s question, once the words process in Dan’s mind he can only burst into a fit of giggles.
‘’I don’t know. Can you even see? I can’t. I’m seeing sounds and hearing colours, man.’’ Dan’s words are lost in laughter between the pair of them.
Dan pushes himself upright, leaning back onto his elbows and looking down at Phil. Before he can even form a thought, his eyes fill with water, glassy as he looks down at the boy below him. Phil’s eyes meet his own, a small breeze gently blowing a strand of black into Phil’s eyes. Dan lifts his hand, his limbs acting before his mind. He doesn’t get the chance to stop himself as he absent mindedly strokes the hair from Phil’s face, fingertips gently stroking his forehead.
Time seems to catch up to them as Phil’s entire body goes rigid beneath Dan’s touch, his movements stilling as he realises what he’s done. Phil shoots upright, the blue of his eyes attempting to meet Dan’s and failing as Dan’s are darting around in an attempt to catch sight of anyone who may have seen the small gesture of affection. Phil is almost too drunk to care, Dan on the other hand seems to sober up as the anxiety bubbles into his throat before settling heavy on his chest. Before he knows it, he’s standing, Phil looking up at him from his place on the sand.
The last thing he wants is for Phil to be uncomfortable, for them to be seen or judged. The idea of being perceived causes Dan’s throat to close, his heart swells as he tries to bring some coherence to his thoughts. It’s no use, he’s too far gone. There’s a feeling beneath his skin, one he’s no stranger to. The ‘wrong’ feeling he’s become so familiar with. The feeling is the only thing he’s come to know, the only thing he’ll ever know, he thinks.
Dan’s arms cross over his chest, his lips pressing together as he blinks in an attempt to force the tears back from his eyes. The world is spinning, the sand beneath him is unsteady and there are eyes everywhere. The rise and fall of his chest quickens. The sound of his heart beat floods his ears. The sound of waves crashing slowly from afar causes his stomach to churn as his mind repeats the small affection over and over. Dan isn’t sure when his face became wet, or when he closed his eyes.
He’s also not sure when Phil stood up, or when they began to walk further across the beach. Although, his breathing steadies as he and Phil come to a halt, Phil holding their bag in one hand with both of their shirts in the other. His eyes meet Phil’s before taking another glance around the beach, realising Phil has taken them to a far more secluded area where they surely won’t be seen, he hopes. Finally, for the first time in what feels like an hour, Dan takes a deep breath and meets Phil’s gaze.
‘’Hi. Are you here?’’ Phil’s voice is soft, always so soft. He always knows what Dan needs, never makes him feel like too much. Dan does that himself, his mind constantly telling him he’s a hassle, a constant bother. The urge to bottle his feelings and push them down. No matter how much he hopes it’ll go away, it never does.
Dan doesn’t respond verbally, only responding with a little nod as he looks down at his bare feet in the sand, his toes wiggle as he tries to bring his focus to something other than the persistent heaviness in his chest.
‘’Okay. Well, I’m here. You’re okay.’’ His eyes are searching for Dan’s again, almost as if he’s looking for a sign of life. A sentence, a word, anything to hear the boy in front of him use his voice again.
‘’I’m sorry.’’ Dan doesn’t expect his voice to break, nor the tears to return to his eyes, yet as brown meets blue his cheeks are dampened once again.
‘’Dan, Daniel. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry for tensing up so much, I scared you. I didn’t mean-’’ Phil is cut off, Dan scrambling to soothe him.
‘’It wasn’t your fault, I was stupid! We’re in public and I shouldn’t have. I know I shouldn’t have. I just couldn’t… Not when you’re all…’’ Dan’s voice grows quiet, his tone softening.
‘’All what?’’
‘’Pretty.’’ Dan’s eyes are back on his feet, even seven months after their meeting he still gets shy around Phil.
A smile crosses onto Phil’s face, he scans the area to ensure nobody has appeared and they’re still alone before he brings a hand to hold Dan’s arm. Dan tenses at first, instincts telling him to flinch backwards, he’s completely rigid at the touch before doing his own little scan to confirm there is no one around.
‘’Hotel? I can barely see. Or think, actually.’’ Phil removes his hand from Dan’s arm, Dan’s skin going cold at the loss of contact, he almost wishes he could’ve kept them frozen just now. The sun glaring onto their bare skin, absolutely nobody to bother them. If he was given the chance, he’d freeze them here, on the beach, in every life.
Phil crosses past him before receiving an answer, deciding for them both that they’ve spent enough time covered in the itchy sand. Dan watches the back of Phil’s head before following loosely behind him. They eventually reach a far more populated area of the beach, Dan’s eyes landing on a man who leans over to his partner, planting a light kiss on her lips. The pit in his stomach seems to grow deeper, heavier, his mind imagining how it could be for him and Phil, reality crashing down with all of the reasons it can’t be that way.
A small sigh passes Dan’s lips, Phil only glances over his shoulder and gives him a small nod, a quiet check in. Dan nods and continues walking, he knows he can’t hide from Phil. He may be able to hide from himself, his family, his friends. Dan is pretty good at hiding. Not from Phil, never from Phil.
Phil stops to look at him for a moment, his gaze meeting Dan’s, the sun hitting him perfectly as Dan studies the colours of his eyes.
Blue.
Green.
Yellow.
Blue.
Green.
Yellow.
Dan repeats it in his head a couple of times. It’s almost hard to look away, he lets himself fall for only a second, without allowing himself to get lost despite how badly he wants to. He wants nothing more than to get lost in all that is Phil. Phil gives him a quick smile, a tiny pat on the arm that Dan accidentally flinches away from, and continues to walk. He pays no mind to the reaction Dan has, Dan finds himself glad. He doesn’t mean to, he doesn’t want to. He has to.
There I saw you standing,
Must’ve been a holy light.
‘Cause I can’t see and I can’t feel
But the colour in your eyes
Is sayin’ if my dreams come up empty
And I wash up on the shore
You would find me at the beach in every life
Through every door.
****
The hotel room smells faintly of linen and bleach, Dan only tastes Sangria and salt. The door clicks closed behind them as Phil flops himself down on top of one of the twin beds and kicks his sandles off, landing on top of Dan’s. Dan lingers by the door watching him, a thousand thoughts run through his mind and not a single one is coherent. He’s far too lost in this bubble of him and Phil. Despite being in a hotel room somewhere in Portugal, he feels completely at home here with Phil.
‘’I need to clean off. I have sand everywhere.’’ Dan’s head is thrown back with a groan as Phil tilts his head to look at him from the bed, a grin stretching his lips.
‘’Everywhere, Howell?’’
Dan snorts, flipping him off as he wanders into the bathroom.
‘’Keep it in your pants, Lester!’’ Dan retorts before closing the door behind him, not caring to lock it.
It doesn’t take long before the door clicks open again, Phil stands in the doorway as Dan bends over the bath with the shower hose in an attempt to scrub sand from his skin without getting all the way into the bath, refusing to commit to showering properly in his drunken state. He knows Phil is in a far worse state than he is, he still won’t risk falling and breaking a leg.
Once Dan’s arms and legs are sufficiently scrubbed, he cranes his neck behind him to check if Phil is still quietly observing, which he is. Of course he is.
‘’Come here, rat.’’ Dan demands, Phil obeys as he shuffles over.
Dan carefully takes Phil’s arms into his hands, gently leaning him over the bath as he rubs the sand from Phil’s skin, Phil is far less covered than he is. Most likely because Phil isn’t the one who decided to play in the sea before immediately laying in the sand, Dan thinks. Phil hums a small noise of content, Dan smiles, his heart is warm. The heavy weight on Dan’s chest begins to lift as it’s replaced by the light of Phil. Phil sinks down to the floor as soon as Dan lets go of him, crossing his legs and leaning his head onto Dan’s thigh.
‘’I think you need to go to bed.’’ Dan can’t hide the smile on his face, it radiates through his voice. Biting it down is pointless.
‘’No, you do.’’ Phil retorts.
‘’Maybe we both do.’’
Dan can’t entirely read Phil’s face, his eyebrows are furrowed and he almost looks upset. It might be one of the only faces Dan doesn’t completely adore.
He nudges Phil with his foot in an attempt to urge him to get up. It’s useless. Instead, Dan meets Phil where he’s at. He sits himself down beside Phil, his knees up to his chest, a towel in his hand. He dries Phil’s arms, ruffling his hair, receiving a small ‘Oi’ in response.
The room suddenly darkens as Dan’s eyes meet Phil’s, only now noticing Phil’s glassy eyes. His perfect blue hidden behind a wall of tears.
‘’Phil? What’s wrong?’’ Dan drops the towel to the floor immediately, his hands cup Phil’s face, he leans into the touch and brings a hand to grasp Dan’s wrist.
‘’I want to sleep with you.’’ Phil sniffles, his voice is impossibly quiet, it’s almost hard for Dan to hear. There’s a small pout on his lips that Dan only wishes to kiss away. Instead, he settles for stroking Phil’s cheek gently with his thumbs.
He looks behind him to be met with the twin beds, they’re not that far apart. The nightstands are on the outside of both beds, nothing between them. Dan’s heart sinks before an idea flickers into mind, possibly the first coherent thought he’s had in hours.
Without another beat, he leaves Phil on the floor and immediately gets back to his feet. He wanders to the bed closest to the window on the right side of the room, ‘his’ bed. He peeks his head back towards Phil, who remains still on the floor where Dan left him, his sad look replaced with confusion.
‘’Get over here! Please!’’ Dan pleads. Phil is immediately on his feet.
‘’Okay, get over there,’’ Dan points to the left side of the room, the pair standing opposite each other at the side of their respective beds.
‘’Now just push.’’
Dan shoves his weight against the bed, Phil follows. Despite Phil’s lack of questioning, it’s clear he understood Dan’s plan instantly.
Dan wipes his hands against his shorts, neither of them having bothered to put their shirts back on when they arrived back at the hotel. He leans over to the window and pulls the curtains closed.
Dan turns back to Phil and opens his mouth to speak, he’s immediately cut off by arms being thrown around his neck, Phil’s body pressing up against his own. Phil tucks his head into the crook of Dan’s neck, his hair smells of hairspray and salt as Dan rests his nose in it. He presses tiny kisses onto the top of Phil’s head, the want he’s had all day finally fulfilled. Dan’s fingertips scrape at the nape of Phil’s neck, he draws gentle patterns on his skin with the other hand.
Suddenly, Dan pulls both of them down onto the bed. Phil lets out a squeal before wriggling around to get comfortable on Dan’s chest. Dan heaves out a sigh, mostly of relief. He’s finally alone with Phil, completely alone. There are no unwanted eyes for him to worry about in the safety of their hotel room.
‘’Thank you.’’ Phil mumbles out onto Dan’s skin, planting a small kiss where his mouth rests on Dan’s collarbone.
‘’ S’okay. I wanted to sleep with you too. There’s no way we’d both fit into the twin bed by itself.’’ Dan presses another kiss into Phil’s hair, Phil lets out a small hum.
One of Phil’s hands rests on Dan’s waist, his fingers lazily dancing across soft skin. Dan’s hand rubs up and down Phil’s back, the other tangled in his hair.
‘’I’d have probably pushed you off.’’ Phil giggles, Dan nods in agreement, letting out a small snort.
It’s silent for a few moments, the silence only allowing for Dan’s thoughts to return. His mind is cast back to the beach, the way he flinches at Phil’s touch. He shouldn’t. Phil isn’t diseased, he shouldn’t flinch. The thought of being seen sends a shiver across Dan’s spine, it jolts Phil who is still entirely peaceful on his chest.
‘’Phil?’’ Dan’s voice is quiet, he’s not sure if Phil heard him, not until a small hum comes from him.
‘’I’m sorry.’’
Phil repositions himself onto his elbows and brings his eyes up to meet Dan’s, his brown eyes suddenly coated in tears once more.
Phil doesn’t speak, he doesn’t soothe, he waits.
‘’I keep flinching away. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m so scared. I’m not ashamed of you.’’
Dan’s eyes close, a stray tear falling down his face as Phil brings a hand to wipe it. He remains silent.
‘’I’m not ashamed of you. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s me, Phil. Not you.’’ Phil’s heart is tugged by the sound of Dan’s voice, raw and unfiltered. The pair of them have drunk far too much to have this conversation. It won’t stop Phil from trying, both of them know that all too well.
‘’Dan. I will spend the rest of my life pushing stupid hotel beds together if it means sleeping next to you.’’ Phil’s voice is sure, the certainty almost makes Dan’s skin crawl. He doesn’t quite understand how Phil can be so sure. How can he be so sure about this? About Dan?
‘’You’re thinking far too loud, shh.’’ Phil’s thumb meets Dan’s cheek, he strokes his face so carefully, it’s almost as if Dan might break if he’s not gentle. Although, Phil is always careful. Always so, so gentle with him. Dan melts under the touch. Silent tears continue to drop onto his cheeks, Phil wipes every one away.
‘’You’re going to be fine.’’ Phil reassures, his hand travels to the back of Dan’s head as he grounds him with gentle scratching. Dan's straightened hair is curling from the humidity, the sight of it is enough to put a smile on Phil's face.
‘’How do you know? How can you tell?’’ Dan questions, sniffling as he drags the back of his hand under his nose.
‘’Because I know you. You’ll be fine.’’
There’s a tiny flicker of a smile on Dan’s face, Phil presses their lips together, smiling into a lazy kiss. Phil’s reassurance seems to be enough as Dan goes back to tracing small patterns on Phil’s skin, allowing Phil to rest his head back down as he listens to the faint sound of Dan’s heart beat. The air is thick with the smell of salt that’s being carried through it, neither of them pay any mind to it.
''I like you.'' Dan whispers as if it's a secret. It is, he thinks. Not to Phil, not to himself.
''I like you too. Go to sleep.'' Phil hums back as his voice trails off quietly, his mind already submitting to a dreamland the moment his head settles on Dan's chest.
Phil falls asleep first, Dan fights the sleep that threatens to take over, begging for another moment to listen to the faint snores coming from Phil. He wants to bathe in his scent, he would if he could.
By the time sleep finally takes over, the room is dim with only a faint strip of moonlight piercing through the curtains, the slow hum of snores coming from the pair, limbs intertwined. For a moment, everything is still. Safe. Calm. Their dreams are only filled with each other, a sleepy smile flickering across Dan’s face as he allows himself to dream of a time where he can hold Phil without flinching away.
I know who you are
You’ll be fine
I know who you are
‘Cause you’re mine
****
2026, Portugal.
Dan isn’t quite sure how long it’s been since they parted from the Lesters, he’s also not quite sure how much alcohol he’s had. If there’s one thing he does know, it’s that he’s on a beach with his favourite person. They’ve been taking a very slow walk across the beach for what feels like hours now, the hot sand beneath Dan’s feet is starting to burn but he can’t find it within him to complain. The sky has no room for clouds as the sun beams down onto them as it begins to set, their bare chests exposed with a definite lack of sun protection. The waves are slow, the gentle crashing is soothing to Dan as he takes a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the sea air.
Phil’s eyes are fixed on the view in front of them, Dan’s are only focused on Phil. It’s not surprising, really. Dan can’t be blamed, not when the yellow beams of sunlight are perfectly hitting Phil’s face, the remaining blonde of his hair in the evening sun. The sunlight brings out all of the colours in his eyes.
Blue.
Green.
Yellow.
Dan repeats it in his mind once, he finds his own eyes wet as he blinks back a tear. He usually finds himself emotional when he’s been drinking, particularly sappy for his partner. It’s hitting extra hard as he walks alongside him on the very same beach he remembers lingering behind said partner to avoid getting too close sixteen years ago. As Dan looks around the beach, everything seems smaller. Perhaps they’ve gotten taller, maybe it’s just the fact he’s not focusing on their surroundings as much as he did last time. He’s completely unaware of anyone around them, he doesn’t care. It feels good to not care, freeing. The wind no longer carries the heavy weight of guilt it once did, instead the breeze that passes by only ruffles his hair. It causes his curls to quiff slightly from his forehead.
Phil turns to Dan as the breeze hits, a giggle escaping his lips at the sight of his slightly disheveled partner.
‘’Nice hair.’’ Phil snorts as he reaches out to run a hand through Dan’s hair, flattening his curls back into place.
Dan does not flinch.
Instead, his eyes close. He leans into the touch. A soft hum escapes his lips, he is only content.
Phil’s hand leaves Dan’s hair, it returns to his side. Dan almost feels as if he’s missing something at the loss of contact.
His mind recalls a time Phil wouldn’t have even considered coming so close to him, a time when lingering eye contact was too much. It would’ve sent them both into spirals of anxiety and terror to simply be near each other.
Yet, here they are. On a beach. Side by side. Unafraid.
As Dan’s eyes open, a small tear slips down his cheek, one he wasn’t aware he was holding back.
‘’Dan? What’s wrong?’’ Phil’s head tilts, his lip pouting as he does his best to work out Dan’s thoughts through his face.
‘’Nothing. Everything is right, actually.’’ Brown meets blue once again as Dan basks in the familiarity that is the mixture of colours that rest within Phil’s irises. For what feels like the first time, Dan allows himself to get lost. He loses himself in Phil’s eyes, uncaring of finding his way back to the surface. He could drown in all that is Phil and he knows he’d have died happy.
Phil’s hands find their way to Dan’s arms, he rubs them up and down gently, bringing Dan back to the surface. He always does.
‘’Sap.’’ There’s no bite to Phil’s voice, only pure affection.
‘’Shut up.’’ Dan giggles. Time stops, the sound of the sea and the bird song around them drains every thought in Dan’s mind that isn’t of Phil.
‘’Pretty. You’re pretty.’’ Dan words are slurred as he leans over to Phil in a failed attempt at whispering, it comes out as more of a whispered shout.
‘’You’re drunk. Do you want to go back now? We should probably head back.’’ There’s an undeniable smile on both of their faces, Phil’s eyes linger on the small lines next to Dan’s eyes. The lines that have formed over the many years they’ve been together, lines from all of the laughter that fills every space they share. He wants to kiss them, he won’t. He could, he won’t. They’re not quite there yet. Instead, he settles for a small squeeze on Dan’s arm before tugging on his arm as he begins to walk in the direction of their hotel.
Dan trails behind him like a puppy, his gaze doesn’t waver from Phil. His eyes don’t dart around to study their surroundings. Not when Phil looks back at him and smiles for almost a second too long, not when Phil’s hand grazes his own. Dan does not flinch when Phil reaches for him and gives a soft squeeze to his hand before letting go.
****
Neither of them feel dread upon wandering into the hotel room. Not as they realise the curtains are left open, nor as their eyes focus on the double bed centered in the middle of the room.
They both kick their sandals off at the door, Phil immediately drags them both down on top of the bed.
‘’Ew! Gross, Phil. We’re covered in sand!’’ Dan groans, he nuzzles his face into the crook of Phil’s neck.
‘’Then get up and shower!’’ Phil knows he won’t.
Dan pushes his face further into Phil’s skin, he wiggles his hips against him in an attempt to get comfortable.
‘’Watch it.’’ Phil warns.
‘’Shut up! Oh my God.’’ Dan’s face is warm against Phil’s skin.
They fall into a comfortable silence for a few moments, the quiet noise from outside leaks into their hotel room.
Dan is the one to break the silence, a small sniffle as he speaks.
‘’Do you remember the first time we were here? We pushed the beds together.’’
Phil’s eyes glance down at the top of Dan’s hair, his curls have grains of sand in them. He kisses his hair anyway.
‘’Yeah, yeah we did. We don’t need to do that anymore.’’ Despite having a whole double bed, the pair of them are completely squished into the left side of the bed. Dan is almost entirely on top of Phil, his head still tucked up into Phil’s neck, his arm wrapped firmly around his waist. One of Phil’s hands is tangled in Dan’s dark curls, the other stroking his back.
Dan presses his lips against their place on Phil’s skin, a small smile forming as he considers that they’re finally free. He’s never been so glad to be proven wrong. There’s a warmth in his chest, it’s under his skin and he’s grown used to it. The familiar ‘wrong’ feeling has been replaced by the love for his younger self. The eighteen year old he once felt so strongly about, he now only thinks fondly of. He understands, he accepts it. After all, acceptance is all he ever needed.
‘’It’s weird though.’’
Phil only hums in response as he waits for Dan to continue.
‘’Compared to when we first came here, I feel like a completely different person.’’ Dan’s voice is quiet again, it’s hard for Phil to tell what he’s thinking, or if he’s thinking at all.
‘’You’ve always been Dan, to me.’’ Every part of Phil loves every part of Dan. It’s not a secret, not to him, not to Dan. Not to anyone. Not anymore.
Dan’s head lifts from its place on Phil as he leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to Phil’s lips, he only tastes of salt and Sangria, he plants small kisses all over Phil’s face. The soft skin of his cheeks, his jawline. He only stops when they both erupt into giggles and Phil is pushing him away with squeals.
His head returns to Phil’s chest, he presses a tiny kiss to his skin as he gets comfortable again.
‘’I like you, by the way. Since we met.’’
Phil ruffles Dan’s hair and rolls his eyes, a smile tugging his lips as he looks fondly down at him again and pulls him closer.
‘’I like you too. A little bit.’’
Dan only giggles, his mind wandering as the pair of them begin to fall asleep.
Neither of them care that the curtains are left open, the moonlight spills into the room as the sound of small snores accompany it.
And how could you be no one
When you’re everything to me?
You’re everything to me
You’re everything to me
You’re everything to me