Work Text:
1. First day
The first time they meet Jeonghan almost trips over his shoe laces. He's the new kid around and can barely hide his nervousness behind a neutral expression. Most of the boys have been together for a couple years, enough to create an awkward silence when an outsider arrives. It doesn't help that he's among the oldest of the group, so the youngsters have to treat him with distant respect at best. His eyes wander through the packed room, curious stealing gazes averting when Jeonghan stares back for a second. He hates this already.
“Hey, you!"
A sudden voice startles Jeonghan when one of the boys approaches him with a warm smile on his face. There's a hand stretched his way but for a split second Jeonghan doesn't know what to do. The boy seems to notice his awkwardness so the hand retreats, replaced with a short nod.
“Oh, hum, sorry. I'm Hong Jisoo, by the way. I was the new kid before you, so I thought--- welcome, I guess?
Jisoo's cheeks become a faint shade of pink as he introduces himself, looking as awkward as Jeonghan feels in his first day. Jeonghan timidly smiles back, and it seems to ease the tension of their first meeting.
“Hi, I'm Yoon Jeonghan. It's nice to meet you, New Kid no.1"
Joshua hides a laughter behind a closed fist and Jeonghan feels his inside flutter slightly.
“What's with that nickname?"
“If I'm the New New Kid then you're the Original New Kid."
“That sounds awful, man."
They share a single, meaningful look before Jisoo is showing him around the practice room and from there Jeonghan knows: they're gonna be best friends.
---
2. Two weeks later
From then on they spend most of their time together, mainly because Jeonghan is still adapting to the new enviroment. It's not as hard as he thought it would be, with more than ten boys singing, dancing and simply fooling around, there's no way he wouldn't make friends. Still, Jeonghan finds more comfort in Jisoo's side.
One of the first things Jeonghan notices about Jisoo is that he mostly picks american songs for them to practice. When he points that out, Jisoo reveals that he's actually named Joshua and he's from the United States, so his mothertongue is english. He apologizes for not being that fluent in korean so if Jeonghan notices him switching to english or mixing words, he ought to warn him. Jeonghan is surprised at first, but he goes along with it. He says he's known from their first interaction that Jisoo – Joshua? – was different from the others.
“You mean I'm special?”
“I mean you're a weirdo.”
Jisoo blushes, self-conscious, kicking at Jeonghan's feet.
“Don't say that.”
“It's not a bad thing, though. I like the weirdoes best.”
That earns Jeonghan a sheepish grin from Joshua before he turns his attention back to his laptop, browsing through his playlist.
“That's because you're the king of weirdoes, New Kid no.2”
“Then what are you, New Kid no.1?”
“I'm the Joshua Hong.”
Jeonghan rolls his eyes, but says no more when Jisoo picks a song and starts singing along. Jeonghan trips on the lyrics at first, because he's not nearly as good at english as Jisoo is. He gives up halfway, instead leaning against Jisoo's shoulders and quietly listening to him sing.
---
3. Two months later
They're asked to do a quick interview with the new member, and Jisoo seems like the natural choice for the interviewer spot. Nevermind that it's only been a couple of weeks they've known each other and had little time to bond throughout practice sessions.
Awkwardness seeps from the air when they exit the interview room and Jeonghan doesn't know if he's more embarrassed or amused at their exchange.
“Why did you ask who I'm closest with, Jisoo-ssi?”, Jeonghan gives Jisoo's shoulders a soft punch, “Of course I would answer you, I barely know anyone else.”
“That hurts, Jeonghan-ssi”, Jisoo rubs his shoulders with a fake, hurt pout, “I didn't know what else to ask, you can't blame me.”
“Or you were just trying to boast your ego, weren't you? Yah, Jisoo is the worst”, Jeonghan puffs with fake annoyance, walking away from a giggling Jisoo who runs after him.
“Nooo, don't be mad at me!”, Jisoo cries dramatically, pulling at Jeonghan's wrist to get his attention, “I'll get you candy next time I go back home.”
“You didn't even pay attention to the interview, did you?”, Jeonghan retorts without stopping, though Jisoo drags him back, “I told you I'm not into candies.”
“I'll find some you'll like.”
Jisoo says it like a promise and Jeonghan has a frown on his face when he looks back at him. Jisoo is smiling, gentle as ever, and Jeonghan is unwilling to admit that his voice actually buys him. He stops walking away, but Joshua doesn't let go of his hand.
“I'll definitely find some.”
Jeonghan smirks, though his cheeks burn for some reason.
“Are you trying to buy my friendship?”
“Do I even need to buy it?”, Jisoo blinks innocently, “You just said we were the closest.”
Jeonghan facepalms hard, but there's laughter playing on his lips
“You're definitely the worst.”
---
4. Five months later
They get a quick break by the end of the year and Jeonghan is more than thankful to leave the dorm and spend some quality time at home. It's strange how his trainee routine has soaked in his life, though. He catches himself practicing random dance moves when he's too idle watching tv or tuning his voice when taking a shower. It gets to the point his mother makes a comment about how vivid he's become since starting his trainee years. Jeonghan needs to remind himself he's supposed to relax and enjoy his holidays, but he keeps wondering how the other members are spending their time. Specially Jisoo.
The trainees have exchanged phone numbers for practical reasons but Jeonghan finds it useful to keep up with them. His last messages are from Seokmin, Seungkwan and Jisoo, but while the first two are from the previous day, he hasn't heard from Jisoo in five days. His last message says he's just arrived back home in the United States, and then nothing.
Jeonghan stares at his phone screen until his eyes start to burn from the countless messages he's typed just to delete right away. He doesn't want to be a bother nor act too clingy to someone he's known for such a short period of time, but he's grown attached to Jisoo too fast to feel safe when he's not around. It's like Jeonghan's guiding light is glitching in the middle of a storm, and now he isn't sure where is supposed to go. He just clings to the only thing that's made him feel safe as of lately. He should probably learn to let go.
“I'm exaggerating all this”, Jeonghan shrugs it off, leaving his phone aside, message unsent at last.
He doesn't hear back from Jisoo for a while.
---
5. Six months later
Time flies and Jeonghan mourns the fact he's already back at the dorms. He had plenty of time to unwind but just as quick as he grew used to his trainee routine he unlearned it in less than a month. He slouches around the practice room, sharing complaints and stories from the holidays with the other boys. Jeonghan barely notices when a hand taps his shoulder and a small package is falling onto his lap.
“Missed me much, Jeonghan-ah?”, Jisoo smiles teasingly at him, making Jeonghan scoff and brush him off.
“Oh please, I almost forgot you existed.”
That is a lie, of course. Jeonghan spent the first half of their free month thinking of Jisoo for the smallest details, so used to his presence there was a time Jeonghan actually turned his head around to comment something, feeling ashamed when he realized Jisoo wasn't there to share a joke. He's forced himself to hang out with other people in the meantime, but even then he caught himself feeling Jisoo's absence in the corner of his mind.
“That's so mean!”, Jisoo laughs now, slapping Jeonghan's shoulder, “Even though I had the trouble to think of you and bring you a present.”
Jeonghan frowns, looking from Jisoo's cheerful expression to the package on his lap. He doesn't understand it.
“Jeonghan-hyung, what is it?”, Seungkwan tilts his head with curiosity.
“It's something nice”, Jisoo answers with a proud face, sitting down by them.
“Seriously”, Jeonghan snorts as he unwraps a small package of colorful candy, “What is this?”
“Sour Patch Kids”, Jisoo explains, “I figured you'd prefer something not that sweet but I didn't know if you liked dark chocolate so sour candy was the solution.”
“Open it, hyung! I wanna have one too”, Seokmin nudges Jeonghan, eager to taste the foreign jelly.
Jeonghan shrugs, feeling his ears burn as he tears the package open to offer his friends a bite. Jisoo really had the trouble to look for something for him while Jeonghan had lazed around and slept on his messages. He almost feels bad for downplaying their friendship when Jisoo seems to have had him in mind all along.
“You didn't have to”, Jeonghan mumbles awkwardly, offering Jisoo the candy.
“But I wanted to”, is how Jisoo answers.
---
6. Seven months later
They settle back to practice and missions for the Seventeen TV and Jeonghan feels much more comfortable around everyone else now. They all notice how he acts more carefree and less uptight now that he's been around for a while. Still, somehow Jeonghan always finds himself back to Jisoo's side, be it singing or simply messing with him. He doesn't need to follow Jisoo around anymore for fear of being alone, but he finds himself choosing him time and time again.
They're sitting at a corner of the room, Jisoo with his guitar on his lap, fingering mindlessly at the chords while Jeonghan hums a song by his side. It's a comfortable and familiar situation Jeonghan has missed more than he allows himself to admit. He watches Jisoo playing the guitar, a serene expression on his eyes, a soft smile on his lips. Jisoo is the same but not quite, in the way his moves seem to flow more naturally, his smile softer than ever, the sheen on his eyes like Jeonghan has never seen before. It's odd and itches something inside him. “What are you thinking of?”, Jeonghan wonders, “Where are you right now?”
Then he remembers. Jisoo is not from here. He's just come back from his hometown, in a land Jeonghan has never seen with his own eyes, somewhere he can't reach even with his imagination. He only knows this Jisoo that's come back to Korea, but he has no familiarity with whoever Jisoo was for the last 18 years. “Who are you when I'm not looking at you?”, Jeonghan wants to ask, “Who are you, Jisoo from America?”
“I'm the Joshua Hong.”
Ah.
“Jisoo-ah”, Jeonghan calls in a small voice, nudging their knees.
“Yeah?”
“Do you prefer to be called Joshua?”
The question catches Jisoo offguard, for he stops playing his guitar. He looks pensitive before answering:
“I don't know. The company simply gave me this shirt with my korean name on it and it never really bothered me to change it”, he shrugs, “Whatever is fine for me.”
“Then I'll call you Joshua”, Jeonghan says before he can stop himself, “Hum, yeah. From now on you'll be Joshua. Shua.”
There is a split second of strange recognition in Jeonghan's estatement that leaves Jisoo- Joshua speechless. Then Joshua is laughing timidly, turning his attention back to this guitar.
“What is this all of a sudden?”, he asks, “Are you trying to feel special?”
“I thought I already was”, Jeonghan says with a teasing smirk, “Since we are the closest, mister New Kid no.1”
“I never confirmed it.”
“But you didn't deny it.”
Joshua smiles softly, casting down his eyes to hide how his cheeks blush at that.
“I didn't, did I?”, he whispers, and Jeonghan feels a strange sense of accomplishment.
---
7. Nine months later
It's on a free night in which they go out for dinner that Jeonghan notices something else is off. They're on their way home with takeouts and Joshua looks like his gentle and calm side as usual but there's something in his quietness that is bothering Jeonghan again.
“Shua”, he starts, peering at Joshua from the corner of his eye.
“Yes, Jeonghan-ah?”
“Is there something wrong?”
Joshua stutters a step, pretending to trip on a pebble to mask his reaction. Jeonghan watches as Joshua purses his lips like he wants to let the words out but he keeps them to himself.
“Why do you ask?”, he says instead, turning his face away to avoid the obvious frown on Jeonghan's face.
“You're acting strange”, Joshua flinches at his answer, so Jeonghan reaches a hand towards him, tugging at his elbow. Joshua gives him a timid side look, making Jeonghan caress his arm in an attempt to coax an answer out of him. “Tell me. What is going on?”
Joshua mutters something Jeonghan doesn't grasp, so he steps closer to listen. Joshua inches away, free hand tugging at his reddening ears. At first Jeonghan disregards the gesture as simply shyness but then he notices it.
“Your earrings. They're missing.”
“They're not missing”, Joshua fidgets, still not looking at him, “I took them off. The earlobe ones, at least. Pledis said they don't really match my visuals, so I tried to see how would it feel without them.”
“But they meant something to you.”
The sad grin Joshua gives him makes Jeonghan's stomach churn.
“It's kinda dumb to feel this bad for a pair of earrings, isn't it?”, Joshua tries to humour him but Jeonghan stays silent, awaiting. “It's just a memory from home, that's all. I wanted to keep them because they remind me of...things.”
They grow silent with that half revelation, and Jeonghan fidgets impatiently. He wants to ask what those things Joshua wants to keep so bad are but it feels like overstepping some invisible boundary he doesn't know who set. Jeonghan doesn't know if Joshua would answer if he asked. He doesn't know if he wants to ask in the first place. “I don't want to know how much I don't really know you.”
“I think you look just fine”, he blurts out before he can think any better, “I mean, with or without the earrings. You're still you. Shua.”
He makes it a point to punctuated the pet name he's so adamantly adopted for Joshua, like he's claiming it to himself. As if by words he can bind this – his – Joshua to him, make him something – someone – Jeonghan knows. He is the only one that calls him “Shua”. Even though some of the boys have started calling him Joshua too, Jeonghan still has “Shua” for himself.
Joshua makes a puzzled expression before it softens to a secretive smile.
“Thank you, Jeonghan-ah”, he gives him a light nod before they start walking home again, “There's still time to decide, though. The company didn't say I had to take them off. Not yet. I guess I'll just have to get used to their absence.”
The conversation ends with that inconclusive reply, but Jeonghan doesn't feel like prying any further. Their conversation triggered thoughts he isn't ready to acknowledge and feelings he's not ready to develop. They talk about lighter, meaningless stuff until they get back to the dorms and the earring issue is left aside but not completely forgotten.
----
8. Ten months later
Jeonghan notices Joshua isn't the only one making appearance changes. He overhears conversations about new haircuts, new hair colors, losing weight, working out to grow muscles. He never put much thought about any of these, so he mostly just watches his friends with a carefree shrug. That is, until a staff approaches him and suggests Jeonghan make a change too.
“How about growing you hair long?”
The following days he spends more time studying his face in the mirror, brushing his hair down with his fingers, pulling it straight to make it look longer. It's still too short to give him any idea of the final look, specially when he doesn't know how long he'd grow it. He thinks of Taemin sunbaenim hairstyle during Lucifer era for a prospect, but still it doesn't seem too good.
“What are you doing, Jeonghan-ah?”
He must have been staring at his own reflection for too long because Joshua drops by his shoulder with a mocking laughter.
“Admiring your own beauty? Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”
“Get off, Shua”, Jeonghan pushes him away so Joshua doesn't see him blushing, “I was just considering growing my hair.”
“Oh, is that so?”, Joshua seems legitimately curious about the idea, “Did Pledis tell you to?”
“They suggested, yeah, but I'm not so sure. Besides, Jun already has long hair. They don't really need me to grow it anyway.”
“Oh, I think it would look good on you, actually”, Joshua's smile becomes a giggle when Jeonghan gives him the stink eye, “I'm being honest with you. I think it would suit you just fine. You should try it, at least. If it doesn't please you just have it cut.”
“Alright then, I shall have long hair”, Jeonghan smirks at him, “If it doesn't look good on me you're paying the haircut.”
“Whatever you say. But I really think it would look good on you”, Joshua smiles, sliding his hand to touch the long bangs on Jeonghan's cheeks. His fingers graze Jeonghan's skin causing a full body shiver that shakes him before he can stop himself. Their eyes meet and Jeonghan feels weird at the way Joshua is looking at him, like he's seeing right through Jeonghan's façade. He flinches, and that snaps Joshua out of whatever he was thinking of, making him notice the strange feeling his touch has caused. He jerks his hand away so abruptly it almost feels he's burned it on Jeonghan's skin.
“Wh-what are you doing, Shua?”, Jeonghan cries, midly exasperated at the whole scene.
“I'm sorry”, Joshua stutters, biting down on his lips, “I didn't mean it, I- nevermind it”, he blushes furiously, awkwardly turning away to leave as Jeonghan groans in distress.
Jeonghan hits his forehead repeatedly against the cold mirror glass, trying to clear his thoughts. Whatever was that moment has set his heart ablaze and it's almost painful how loud it beats. They were too close to something dangerous, he knows. And he can't let it happen. The moment he acknowledges it, something will change between them. And he's not ready for that. “Not if I don't know if I'm the one you're looking at when you look at me like that.”
---
9. Twelve months later
They don't talk about it. For a while, they keep safe distance from each other, hanging out with other people, distracting themselves with things that don't involve each other. But Jeonghan finds it nearly impossible to keep his distance from Joshua. It's like Joshua has molded into his personal space in a way that Jeonghan physically feels the air around him misses something when Joshua isn't there. Eventually Joshua approaches him again, and they brush over that incident since none is willing to adress it properly. Jeonghan feels the urge to say something just to get a reaction out of Joshua, but he reconsiders. He won't risk their friendship for such little return.
The company announces the trainees will be arranged into pairs to record a short predebut film and it isn't surprising that they end up together. What is surprising for Jeonghan is that Joshua shows up on recording day with both his earrings back, no explanation provided. It's like a betrayal of some sort, and Jeonghan knows he shouldn't, has no reason to, but he makes a bitter remark when he sees Joshua.
“Back to the earrings, I see.”
Joshua seems surprised he notices, but he gives Jeonghan a fond smile that leaves no space for any more snarky comments. Jeonghan doesn't even know if Joshua does it on purpose when he adds:
“And you've grown your hair. I told you it would look good on you.”
He sounds genuine, but Jeonghan keeps quiet.
They record the cover scenes together then split to their respective interviews. Jeonghan can't seem to keep down the irritation from their conversation, but he tries his best to show a positive character during the interview. It doesn't help, though, that the first prompt he gets is how close he and Joshua are.
“Indeed, we are”, Jeonghan agrees with a bitter smile, “People often ask us who is Jeonghan and who is Jisoo, like they can't tell us apart.”
He says Jisoo instead of Joshua like it's a lie he has to keep. Not like the interviewer would know he rarely calls Joshua by his korean name anymore, but it's a personal way to keep control over...over what, exactly? Jeonghan doesn't know. Or he'd rather not know.
The second time he lies during the interview is when he says Seungkwan was the first member to approach him. Truthfully it had been Joshua, but the interviewer wouldn't know. Neither would Joshua, unless he watches this video, but Jeonghan knows he won't. He doesn't need to. He supposedly knows Jeonghan like one of the books he loves and reads time and time again. That thought gives Jeonghan no comfort.
“Good work today”, is how Joshua greets him after the filming, “Wanna go grab some snacks?”
“Not today, I don't feel ok”, is the third lie Jeonghan says that day, “I'll just head back to the dorm and sleep a bit.”
“Oh, hum, ok. I'll see you later then.”
Jeonghan walks away too quick to catch the disappointed and hurt expression Joshua gives to his back.
x
On that night, he can't sleep. He has practicing sessions early in the morning but Jeonghan finds no rest on his bed, so he decides to go to the living room to watch some late night movie. He finds Joshua already there, settled on the sofa and curled to his side, blinking but not really watching the tv. Jeonghan steps back, unsure. He knows he can't blame Joshua for things he has no right to ask, but part of him just wants to turn around and run away again. He doesn't want to face Joshua, not yet, but he knows he won't get any rest if his mind is a mess. He's stuck in the middle, waiting for a cue.
“Jeonghan-ah?”
Jeonghan chokes when he notices Joshua is looking straight at him, expectant. For a moment Jeonghan thinks about pretending to be sleepy, just going to the bathroom and then back to his room, but he can't bring himself to. Joshua looks so lonely sitting there by himself, like there's something missing in the scene. Jeonghan sighs in defeat, his feet taking him to Joshua's side almost by instinct. He slumps down next to him, not waiting for a proper response before he is lying his head on Joshua's shoulder and mumbling:
“Give me the remote control.”
Joshua obeys without protest, handing it to Jeonghan then shifting on his side to make their positions more comfortable. An hesitating arm circles Jeonghan's shoulders but meeting no resistance Joshua gives a relieved sigh as he rests his cheek on top of Jeonghan's head. Jeonghan lets himself be held, relieving in the feel of their proximity. In the silence, he can almost pretend their friendship has never been disturbed.
“Are you mad at me, Jeonghan-ah?”
Jeonghan shuts his eyes tight, as if by this act he can also shut away Joshua's question. He doesn't have a fair answer to give, nor any that could satisfy both of them. He is mad, yes, but he can't say the reason out loud. He is mad because Joshua doesn't tell him things, he is mad because Joshua makes him feel things that can't be translated into words, he is mad because he doesn't know if that incident was an accident or if Jeonghan is reading too much into it, he is mad because--
“Jeonghan-ah?”
“I'm not mad at you.”
His voice is strained when he says that, which makes Joshua shy away from inquiring any further. Jeonghan can almost see how he's slowly ruining their friendship by keeping secrets himself, but he knows the moment he says it, they're over. He leans closer to Joshua, as if the physical closeness could fill in the gap in their feelings. Joshua welcomes the gesture, leaning against Jeonghan, running his hand up and down Jeonghan's arm in a soothing motion.
“Really, if you're mad, just tell me. I don't want to be in bad terms with you.”
“It's not that simple.”
“I don't mind complicated.”
Jeonghan has to suppress a chuckle because Joshua would probably mind that kind of complicated. He hides his face in Joshua's shoulder, nuzzling his nose into the soft skin of Joshua's neck. His smell and the hand that still holds Jeonghan make his eyes feel heavy with sleepiness. Jeonghan curls himself into Joshua, leaning into his soothing warmth. He knows he should go back to his room, but he's always been more at ease by Joshua's side.
“Jeonghan-ah?”
“Just promise me”, Jeonghan whispers against his skin, eyes fluttering shut, “Just promise me we'll always be best friends.”
He falls asleep too quick to hear if Joshua answers anything.
---
10. Fourteen months later
It's his second birthday since he's become a trainee at Pledis and the members throw him a surprise party by the end of the day. It's very informal since they don't really have the time nor the money for a big thing but Jeonghan appreciates it anyway. They even attempt to make him a cake but it turns into a huge mess they have to clean before partying.
In the end they simply order delivery food and promise to pay his part so Jeonghan can indulge himself a little. They eat, they drink, they share jokes and laughter. It's a simple celebration but Jeonghan wouldn't ask for anything different. He even gets a couple of embarrassing speeches from half drunk friends who wish a shitton of things bestowed upon his angel face. The most remarkable one is Seungcheol's, where he wishes that in his next birthday they have already debuted and can have a bigger party with more barbecue.
Joshua isn't among those who recite a few words for him and Jeonghan wonders if something was going on. The last time they have discussed anything was back when Jeonghan fell asleep on Joshua's arms that night a couple months ago. Ever since that nothing big has happened and it almost feels like their normal relationship, except for Joshua's quietness during his birthday.
Jeoghan excuses himself from the living room, carrying his umpteenth beer can with him to the balcony. The fresh air would definitely help his dizziness, but somehow it worsens when he finds Joshua already there, leaning against the railing, eyes lost in deep thought. Jeonghan motions to leave but Joshua notices his presence, smiling and inviting him in with a hand gesture. Jeonghan returns the smile, shivering in the October cold air.
“Having fun, birthday boy?”, Joshua asks, chin pointing at the can on Jeonghan's hand.
“Lotsa”, Jeonghan shrugs, sipping from his beer, “You should try it, it isn't as bad as people say.”
“No, thanks. I don't like alcohol.”
“You're so prude, man”, Jeonghan chuckles, hiding his laughter behind the can when Joshua rolls his eyes at him.
“I'm not prude”, Joshua replies, folding his arms, “I just don't see the appeal of it.”
“Whatever you say”, Jeonghan chuckles again, and he may or may not be a little too giddy from his drinking.
They share the silence with only Jeonghan's occasional gulping disturbing it. Thinking back, Jeonghan can't remember the last time they were alone. Even if they were always together they were usually surrounded by the other members, but right now they have some privacy to themselves. Maybe it's the alcohol in his system but Jeonghan almost slips half of his thoughts to Joshua and for a long time now they are happy thoughts. Or that's what the alcohol makes him believe. He doesn't notice how long they stay in silence or if there is any awkwardness in it.
“Shua.”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
Joshua frowns, an incredulous smile on his lips.
“What for?”
“For being my best friend.”
Jeonghan smiles at his own words, gulping down what's left of his beer. Now he's definitely feeling tipsy, or just thankful he has Joshua. As a best friend. He repeats the words inside his head, and they feel right, even the shape of the letters as he speaks feels perfect to describe them. Best friends. Just friends.
“You know I'll always be there for you”, is how Joshua answers.
Jeonghan knows those words are well intended and meant for him to feel happy but he feels dazed. His eyes sting and he has to look up to prevent the tears from falling. He can't decide if it's relief or sadness he feels.
“By the way”, Joshua continues, “I bought you something.”
Jeonghan blinks twice and then Joshua is handing him a package. He can't tell what it is from the shape, but the wrapping is soft and floppy to the touch. In his confusion, Jeonghan forgets all thanking words, instead saying:
“You didn't have to.”
“But I wanted to.”
That dialogue is familiar and resonates something Jeonghan hasn't felt in a long time. He unwraps the package and what he finds is even more unsettling than their whole interaction.
“Is this underwear?”
“Not any kind of underwear.”
Jeonghan holds the boxer shorts up to take a better look, turning it from side to side under Joshua's giggling gaze.
“You look like your brain is frying, Jeonghan-ah”
“There are little angels embroidered in this”
“I know, I chose them just for you”, Joshua has a smug smirk on his lips that Jeonghan would be smacking it off his face if he wasn't in confused awe, “Happy birthday, my angel.”
Jeonghan chokes at the pet name, and even if Joshua is just making fun of him he can't help the blush spreading across his cheeks. He blames it on the alcohol but hopes Joshua doesn't notice.
“May you be more angelic the next year”, is how Joshua leaves him, dumbfounded and drunk, holding an angel themed underwear in the cold night.
---
11. Sixteen months later
Another year comes to an end, but this time their holiday break is far shorter than the previous year. Talks are that Pledis is to debut them in the near future so there's a natural fuss and restlessness among them. Only a couple of the members leave the dorms briefly to see their families but most keep around, practicing even in their free time.
Jeonghan is one of those who gets to see their family because they live particularly close, so it's a short trip there. It's weird leaving the dorm when the place sounds just as packed and lively as ever, but he misses his family and can't wait to indulge in his mother's cooking and absolutely no obligations for a couple of days.
“Leaving already?”, he hears a soft knock on his door and Jeonghan turns his head to see a very casual Joshua looking at him, all comfy and supple wearing an oversized sweather and carrying his guitar on his free hand.
“Yeah, but just for a while”, Jeonghan replies, punching a couple more shirts inside his stuffed suitcase, “Can't stay for too long, right? My mom always says I go back home twice as lazy. I'm a literal sloth if she lets me.”
“Sounds about right to me.”
“What about you?”, Jeonghan asks out of sheer habit before he realizes the question is rather indelicate. He wants to punch himself in the face for being so stupid. Of course Joshua can't leave, his parents don't even live in South Korea for him to even think about flying to see them. Even Jun and Minghao have the advantage of China being closeby, but Joshua has no such luck.
Jeonghan is ready to apologize for his life when he looks towards the door, but Joshua is giving him that damn polite smile of his.
“I'll just stay in the dorms”, he replies simply, “It's too troublesome to go back home right now.”
“Look, I'm sorry”, Jeonghan is quick to say, “I said it without thinking, I just- for a minute I forgot you're from...so far away.”
“It's ok”, Joshua says, his smile turning a tad sad, “Sometimes I forget it too.”
Joshua takes his leave and Jeonghan is left sitting there alone, frustrated with his own ability to hurt his best friend in so many different ways.
x
His father is all smiles when he drops at their doorstep and in no time his little sister is jumping to his shoulders asking for a piggy back ride. His mother is soon to follow, wearing an apron and waving a spatula bragging about how skinny he looks. Everything is as he remembers, every creak on the floor, the smell of spices and cleaning products and the echo of his steps as he heads to his room. His room is just as familiar with clean, soft sheets his mother must have washed the previous day. Jeonghan jumps into his bed and its touch is bliss. There isn't anywhere in the world that can compare to this, he thinks.
Except that all this calmness is rather unsettling. His room looks too wide, too big for a single person. Back at the dorm he shares a room with three people in a house of thirteen, so there's always something happening, always a buzzing in the background even when he's alone. Now there's the sound of his mother cooking, his father playing with his sister and the happy yelps of a little girl, so comfortable yet so quiet.
He longs for something in between, some sound kinder than his father's voice, sweeter than his sister's laughter, quieter than his mother's diligence. He can almost hear it in the distance, the low thrumming of a lonely guitar by Joshua's fingers. At nights he couldn't sleep it was that sound that lulled him. Jeonghan instantly regrets that train of thought. His heart hurts more than it should with their distance.
He tries to take a nap to forget but just rolls around his bed until his mother calls for dinner. They eat, they talk, they laugh and share family memories. It all goes smoothly until he's washing the dishes and his mother is standing there with a knowing look on her eyes. Jeonghan pretends not to notice her frowning, making small talk until his mother interrupts him.
“Just say it.”
“Hum, say what, omma?”
“Jeonghannie, I know you. You're upset with something.”
Jeonghan drops his head, staring at the half soaped cutlery in his hands. He's never said it out loud, not even to himself, and he can't possibly tell his mother about his stormy feelings towards his best friend. He's never even mentioned an interest for boys before and he doesn't know how his mother would react if she ever knew. He licks his lips before telling half the truth.
“Remember my friend Joshua? Jisoo?”
“That american friend of yours? Yes, I remember him. I'm still sad you haven't introduced him to our family, you two seem to get along so well”, his mother sighs in disappointment, “But what about him?”
Jeonghan purses his lips as he remembers his stupidity. He's already embarrassed again.
“You know this is a short break, right? So most of the boys will be staying at the dorm and only a couple can visit their parents. Me included. I accidentally asked him if he's seeing his parents during this holiday but it just- It was such a dumb question, because his parents live overseas and- I just keep on making him upset without noticing and I hate myself for this. All of this.”
His mother is patiently silent as he speaks, waiting for Jeonghan to finish his speech. His ears burn and his eyes sting with unshed tears of shame, and he almost, almost leaves it at that but he adds in a small voice:
“And his birthday is a couple of days from now and I can't stop thinking about him sitting there alone.”
Without me.
Jeonghan is too deep in sorrow to notice when his mother approaches him with a tight embrace, resting his head against her chest. For the first time since all of these feelings sprung up in him, Jeonghan cries. He sobs into her arms like the little child he feels like. A helpless, selfish child that knows something is not theirs but keeps on wanting and crying for it anyway. He's trapped in emotions he can't suppress but can't release either.
“I don't know what to do, mother.”
“You go there and be with him, Jeonghan”, his mother whispers against his hair, rubbing his back, “And you tell him all of this and how much he means to you.”
---
12. Sixteen months and 29 days later
His parents drives him there in the middle of the night and Jeonghan can't be thankful enough for their help. He's carrying a suitcase and two large bags so it's a tricky trip up the stairs but he tries his best to keep quiet. It's a surprise after all, and his parents would shake their heads in disappointment if all the trouble they've been through to help him went to waste if Jeonghan just dropped everything out of clumsiness.
He unlocks their apartment door slowly, pushing it open even slower to prevent any sounds from denouncing his presence. The lights are off and the whole place is deadly silent, which is rather strange. What if everybody is out having dinner and he'll have to wait until they come back? Jeonghan is sure to pass out from anxiety if that comes true. He can barely contain his stomach at the moment, he'll be throwing up his own dinner if he has to wait for too long.
He places the two bags on the kitchen counter and locks the door before he tiptoes around the house. By the corridor he hears snoring and sleeptalking, but what catches his attention is the half closed door at the end of it, where a sliver of light and a sleepy voice escape through.
Jeonghan recognizes Joshua's voice halfway, but there's something weird in the way he speaks. The words don't make any sense to him and it takes a minute for Jeonghan to realize Joshua is speaking in english. The distinct wheezing of loudspeakers and an older female voice make him stop in his tracks.
“Yeah, I know, I love you too, mom.”
Realization downs on him and Jeonghan steps back, suddenly self conscious about intruding something he shouldn't listen to, even if he doesn't understand much of it. The tone of their voices show they're probably finishing the call so Jeonghan doesn't have much distraction left. He dashes to the kitchen as quietly as he can to prepare the things before he's back to Joshua's door, now silent except for the rustling of clothes. Jeonghan breathes twice to calm his pouding heart before he is peaking his head through the opening, speaking in the most innocent voice he can convey.
“Shua-yah~”
Joshua jumps at the sudden calling and Jeonghan would be laughing at how adorable it looks if it wasn't for Joshua's puffy eyes. He looks so small in his soft pajamas, one hand clutching his cellphone and the other pressed over his heart. His eyes have a glassy, reddish sheen to them and for a moment he looks so lost and helpless Jeonghan wants to walk up to him and hold Joshua until he feels better. He can't though, but hopefully what he'll do will brighten Joshua's day.
“My god, Jeonghan. You scared me there!”
Joshua's voice sounds weak and broken when he speaks, not even trying to conceal the fact he was crying just minutes ago. Jeonghan purses his lips, momentarily forgetting about the plan. He tries not to stare too much into those sad eyes but he can't.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to”, he apologizes in a small voice, “Are you ok?”
“Yeah, I'm good”, Joshua sniffs, rubbing his eyes to dry the tear stains, “I was just talking to my mom before she goes to work. What are you doing here? Weren't you supposed to spend the holiday at your parents' place?”
“Yeah but they had some affair they needed to take care of so they asked me to come back to the dorm”, Jeonghan lies, “But! My mom's given me so much food to share with you guys that I need help unpacking. Do you mind?”
Joshua purses his lips and for a minute Jeonghan thinks he will be turned down. It would be understanable given his sad figure, but the fact Jeonghan didn't consider for a minute the chance of Joshua denying him gives him a bittersweet smile. He's been taking Joshua for granted for far too long and he needs to stop. He intends to stop, if Joshua lets him be selfish just one last time. “Please trust me for one last time”.
It takes a few deep breaths for Joshua to say with a polite smile:
“Sure, I'll help you.”
Jeonghan's heart flutters and he's tripping his way back to the kitchen in no time, careless if he looks ridiculous for running towards it. He finds the plate by the counter and quickly lights the two small candles he's placed atop the cake, anxiously waiting for Joshua to arrive. His heart is beating so loud he almost misses the moment Joshua steps into the dark kitchen.
“What are you doing, Jeonghan-ah?”
Jeonghan takes a deep breath before turning around just in time to still catch Joshua offguard. He extends his hands and starts singing, barely containing his smile as he sees Joshua's confused expression crumble down to a shaky sob. Joshua shudders, hiding his tears behind his open hands. Jeonghan almost feels like crying too when he says, with the fondest of voices:
“Happy birthday, Shua.”
“You remembered”, Joshua's voice is muffled against the hands that hide his crying face, “You remembered.”
“I could never forget about you”, Jeonghan confesses, “I'm sorry for leaving you alone.”
Joshua reaches towards the cake and Jeonghan gladly hands it to him, thinking Joshua will make a wish and blow his candles. Instead, Joshua sets it aside and jumps into Jeonghan's arms, holding him so tight Jeonghan forgets how to breathe. He inhales deeply but air never finds his lungs. All he can take in is Joshua's smell and the taste of tears.
They're pressed together so close Jeonghan can feel every point of his body where it touches against Joshua's. It's overwhelmingly warm and he's unsure if they're still two separate beings. He feels Joshua melt into his arms, hide his face in the crook of Jeonghan's shoulder, where tears wet his sweatshirt. Joshua's still shaking, though his tears are silent this time, as if he doesn't want to disturb their moment. Jeonghan knows he should let go first, he's had enough time at home to reflect upon their friendship and how the best way to avoid it being ruined is by letting go of this feeling. Yet, he holds onto Joshua, claws at his back like he's losing him. “If I don't let go I surely will lose him.”
He feels Joshua shifting in his arms, slowly untangling himself from Jeonghan. The look in his red eyes when he stares at Jeonghan makes him feel weak. Even as fragile as he looks right now, Joshua looks at Jeonghan like he is reading right through him again and Jeonghan doesn't close himself fast enough to escape. He motions for them to grab the cake but Joshua has a calm but firm grip on his shoulders.
“Jeonghan”, he says, and for the first time Jeonghan notices they're too close. He can feel Joshua's breathing against his lips, the salty taste of his tears and the heat emanating from his body, keeping Jeonghan in place. “Jeonghan-ah.”
“Y-yeah?”
Joshua slides his hands from Jeonghan's shoulders to his face, fingers brushing through long locks of hair. He smoothes them out, feeling the silky long strands flowing between his fingers. Jeonghan tries but fails at not blushing when those warm hands cup his cheeks and make him look directly at Joshua.
“Jeonghan-ah, do you love me?”
That questions sends a painful jolt to his heart that follows all the way to his eyes. “He knows it”, Jeonghan panics, “He knows it and we're done. Our friendship is over”. The tears come too quickly to stop but Jeonghan still tries to smile through it.
“Of course I love you”, his voice falters at that, the admission heavy on his tongue. It's the first, and probably last, time he'll ever voice his feelings. He looks at Joshua's face for any signs of reaction, but finds none, before completing, “We're friends. Best friends.”
There's a moment where everything stops and they hold each other's stare before Joshua's disappointed look makes Jeonghan want to run away. The moment the hands on his face leave him Jeonghan knows that's it, it's over. This is their limit. Joshua moves away from him and Jeonghan feels naked without his warmth. He shields his tears from Joshua's judging eyes with his hand, fearing what will happen next.
“That's a pity”, Joshua says, “Because I don't love you.”
Jeonghan recoils like he's been slapped and he's already reaching for the door when Joshua's arms find him again. This time his touch is slow and delicate and it takes a minute for Jeonghan to understand what is happening. Joshua is already hiding his face against his neck again and Jeonghan shivers where Joshua's lips touch his skin.
“I don't love you”, Joshua repeats, “Not as friends.”
Jeongan freezes at that. He barely has time to reflect the real meaning of those words before Joshua is kissing him. It's a brief yet sweet touch against his lips, warm and wet from their tears and Jeonghan leans into it but it's gone too soon. The look Joshua gives him as they rest their foreheads together is filled with so much love and need Jeonghan wants to drown into him.
“It's my birthday”, Joshua begins, snaking his hand into Jeonghan's and holding tight, “Can I ask for something?”
“Anything”, Jeonghan breathes, squeezing their hands, “Whatever you want.”
Joshua sighs, kisses him again but it's a teasing touch Jeonghan has no time to savor before he misses it again.
“Don't leave me”, Joshua pleads in a small voice, so fragile Jeonghan instinctively draws him closer by his waist.
“I would never”, he argues as Joshua sighs happily into his touch.
“You're lying”, there's a smile in Joshua's words but it's too dark for Jeonghan to see it, “You were just about to friendzone me.”
Jeonghan groans at that, and if he wasn't too comfortable in their current position he would slap that smugness out of Joshua's voice.
“Don't say it like that”, he complains, “It's not that simple.”
“I don't mind complicated.”
Jeonghan is ready when Joshua kisses him a third time, but this time Jeonghan doesn't let him pull away. His hand go for Joshua's neck, threading his fingers in short hair to keep him in place as Jeonghan slides their lips across each other. Joshua gives a surprise whine at first but he is soon following Jeonghan's moves, fisting at his shirt to keep him close. Jeonghan moans when he feels a tongue licking the roof of mouth and he gladly allows Joshua to have his way with him.
They kiss until they're out of breath but even when they break contact they don't draw back completely. Jeonghan can still feel their lips touching when he speaks.
“And what now?”
“And now we eat the cake.”
x
And they do eat it, or rather, Jeonghan watches as Joshua eats it with a child-like happiness he's rarely seen on him. Jeonghan refuses when Joshua offers him a bite but Joshua gives him his best pouting face and Jeonghan finds himself accepting defeat. They're sitting in a corner of the living room, quietly sharing the cake, Jeonghan resting against the wall and Joshua resting against him. In the late night moonlight Jeonghan can see that his eyes are still a bit swollen but the air around Joshua is lighter than before. Jeonghan wonders if their kissing has helped it, and he blushes with remembrance, brushing his fingertips on his lips. Not even the cake's icing could wash away Joshua's taste from his tongue.
“Jeonghan-ah?”
Jeonghan inhales, hoping Joshua didn't notice his momentary distraction. He looks up to see that Joshua's smile has that fake innocence concealing cockiness that Jeonghan hates, and he elbows a bit too hard on Joshua's side.
“Aigoo, what is that for?”
“For you to quit that stupid face.”
“This is my only face.”
“Then just go die and be reborn.”
“You're so mean.”
The way Joshua's smile stretches at their bickering makes Jeonghan remember the beginning of their friendship and he wonders how did they get here. When did he start seeking the small touches for reassurance, the gazes that meet halfway, the late night talks filled with shared secrets? When did it all become so precious to him Jeonghan couldn't bear the idea of losing it all? “When”, he wonders now, noticing the way they claim each other's personal space, borders stretched thin, where they're no longer Jeonghan and Joshua but Jeonghan-and-Joshua, “When did we become like this?”
“Shua”, he says, and Joshua already knows, leaving the cake aside for the feel of Jeonghan's hand in his, “What do we do now?”
“Now”, Joshua replies, pulling Jeonghan towards him until they're shoulder to shoulder, arms around each other, noses brushing together, “You date me.”
“You think too highly of yourself”, Jeonghan scoffs, turns his head around when Joshua leans for a kiss, “Who said I want to date you?”
“Do you really want to risk me falling for someone else?”
“You'd never. I bet I was your first kiss.”
“I'm not as prude as you think I am.”
The teasing smirk Joshua shows him makes something in Jeonghan's stomach boil but two can play this game. He slides a hand to Joshua's nape, scratching at the small hairs there before pulling roughly enough to make Joshua groan. Jeonghan wants to kiss the frown off his forehead but instead he smirks back.
“Neither am I the angel I say I am.”
“That I knew already”, Joshua snorts, massaging his neck when Jeonghan releases his grip, “But you said you'd never leave me.”
“Doesn't mean I agreed to date you.”
“Then you won't mind if I kiss someone else?”, Jeonghan feels hands at his hips, thumbs pressing at his hipbones and gripping hard enough to make him squirm. Joshua brings him to his lap and Jeonghan should feel ashamed how easily he flows and settles there. Joshua keeps a firm grip on his waist and Jeonghan rests his arms on either side of his head, trapping Joshua against the wall.
“You'd never”, Jeonghan whispers, and his voice is lower and huskier than he intended. He watches Joshua inhale and stare at his mouth, prompting Jeonghan to smile and bite down on his lower lip. The grip on his hips tightens just a bit. “Even if I wasn't your first kiss you're not kissing anyone else from now on.”
“You can't stop me”, Joshua tilts his head, hair brushing against Jeonghan's hand, “If you don't date me you can't have me.”
“I've had you way before all of this started”, Jeonghan speaks in slow, deliberate syllabes that make Joshua stare intently at his lips. He gives his lips a long lick, relishing in the way Joshua gulps and squeezes his hips. “Just say it, you couldn't resist me even if you tried.”
“You didn't exactly made it hard to”, Joshua slides his hand under Jeonghan's shirt and Jeonghan has to bite a sigh back. The long fingers rubbing at his skin are too warm, too intimate, like Joshua knows all of his weak spots already. “You wouldn't leave me alone, New Kid no.2”
Jeonghan chuckles at the old petname and he loves the way Joshua smiles back.
“And I'll never”, Jeonghan whispers, closing the distance between their faces, “I'll never leave you, New Kid no.1.”
“You better don't.”
---
Epilogue
Jeonghan isn't a morning person, but he feels a strange urge to wake up early in the dawn of the new year. No one else is awake, having partied until late at night the day before, so Jeonghan has a quiet dorm to himself. He eats some leftovers from the fridge before quietly changing clothes to go for a morning walk. On his way out, he drops by Joshua's room, only to find him sound asleep on his bed, curled into his side, hugging a pillow close to his face. Jeonghan wonders if that pillow is his makeshift, and his lips crease into a smile before he can stop himself. He wants to kiss that soft, disheveled sleep hair before he goes, but he decides against it, leaving Joshua's sleep undisturbed.
He takes a stroll through the nearest park, walking slowly to enjoy the warm sunlight bathing his skin. The distant chirping of birds and the running water of the river make a peaceful music Jeonghan stops to listen to. He sits on a patch of grass, watching his surroundings. There's a glow in everything that softens the edges of his vision, and Jeonghan wonders if he's dreaming. The past days are filled with so many good memories, scenarios he can't forget even when his eyes are closed. He touches a little under his collarbone where gladly his clothes cover, smiling a bit. The place Joshua has kissed a bruise on him still burns in the most satisfying way and Jeonghan has to hide his face on his propped up knees to choke a giggle that bears on a moan.
“Thinking about me?”
Jeonghan doesn't need to turn his head to check who that voice belongs to, for Joshua drops by his side with a safe, friendly distance that doesn't exist behind closed doors. Jeonghan coughs and pretends Joshua isn't there until Joshua tickles his ribs and Jeonghan is laughing a bit too hard.
“You were, weren't you?”, Joshua laughs along, all mushy smiles and soft hair. He didn't brush his hair too much, Jeonghan notices, and to be honest he prefers it that way. Joshua doesn't need a tidy hair when they're together, for Jeonghan will mess it anyway.
“What, now you can read my thoughts?”, Jeonghan asks with an indignant expression, “You better keep away from me before we fuse into the same person and Seventeen will only have twelve members.”
“Even if I keep away from you you won't keep away from me”, Joshua replies and the mischievous smile he gives Jeonghan doesn't match his self-proclaimed gentleman side.
“Lies, all lies”, Jeonghan shrugs him off, “I'm a pure angel.”
“Angels don't sin like that though”, Joshua touches their knees in the most innocent of ways but it sparks memories Jeonghan can't be remembering at this time of the day.
“How do you know? Have you ever been touched by one?”
“Hmmm, I might have.”
If they weren't in a public place Jeonghan is sure he would be kissing that smugness out of Joshua's face but he has to content himself with poking his elbow into Joshua's side. It's a light touch but Joshua squirms away maybe a bit too eagerly, like he also wants to preserve his composure. Jeonghan understands it but he has to admit: Joshua looks way better when he comes undone. Specially if the reason behind it is Jeonghan.
“Then you should know angels only bring bliss to people.”
“Oh, I know about some kinds of bliss.”
They look at each other and burst into laughing, slapping each other and clapping their hands like two kids sharing a secret no adult will ever figure out. Too bad some adult has already witnessed more than he should. Jeonghan can still see Seungcheol's impressed and blushing expression when he caught the two of them in a rather heavy make out session. “Have some decency, you two!”, he had shouted, throwing his coat to cover their faces, “Oh my god I don't care if you eat each other's face out but don't do it where someone can see it!”
Jeonghan had argued they were careful, it was him who had invaded their privacy. Seungcheol had then stomped out from the room, covering his ears and singing to muffle Jeonghan's voice saying that at least now he could keep their secret like he kept Seungcheol's and Jihoon's. Joshua had laughed against Jeonghan's shoulder, hiding his deep blushing under the coat that still half covered them. It had been an impressive coincidence how it took Seungcheol about two days to accidentally find out about them before they had the chance to officialy annouce it. “I guess the 95 line can't have secrets of their own”.
“Are you thinking about me again?”, Jeonghan looks to his side to see a curious Joshua eyeing him, “You were spacing out.”
“What makes you think you're the only thing I think about?”
“Because you're in love with me.”
Joshua's straightforward answer makes Jeonghan snort, though he doesn't deny it. It's truly amazing how far he's come until he came to terms with his own feelings and how easily Joshua had him wrapped around his finger after that. For a long time Jeonghan fantasized about how tragically their friendship would end but it all looks laughable now that they're together. He almost wants to squeeze Joshua's hand to know it's all real for sure, but he contains himself. The mark on his collarbone should be proof enough.
“Jeonghan-ah?”
“Yes”, Jeonghan responds and he hopes the way Joshua smiles means he was able to convey all of his love in the look they exchange before Jeonghan admits, after seventeen months, “I'm in love with you.”