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Yoongi wasn’t too fond of sharing a dorm with someone he didn’t know when he started college. But it wasn’t like he had a choice to begin with.
Kim Taehyung was an okay roommate. He was out often, a plus. But at the same time he did some questionable things, like blasting jazz music at three in the fucking morning or that one time when he ate so much sweets that he had ended up throwing up on Yoongis fucking ten page essay. He wasn’t the perfect roommate but hey, Yoongi wasn’t better either. So he refrained from complaining too much (of course he complained just not too much).
When Yoongi met the younger he had already been studying for two years, two whole years of avoiding getting a roommate. Luck ended. But it was okay, Taehyung was okay. The younger was the polar opposite of Yoongi, he was a social butterfly, seemed to know everyone on campus, everyone was entranced by his charms, he had a smile that seemed to shine brighter than the sun and a laugh that could be heard on the whole freaking campus. He was studying drama but seemed to have an interest in almost everything. He was always surrounded by a bunch of people, always happy and loud and just so Taehyung.
Yoongi on the other hand was silent. He kept to himself, lived of caffeine and only considered a chosen few – a total of two – as his friends. He was studying music and just like Taehyung, almost everyone knew him but for different reasons. Taehyung was popular because he was friends with everyone, Yoongi was known as the ice man. Face always expressionless or in a scowl, always mumbling some insults and may god have mercy with the ones who dared to talk to the small man. Because there was a high chance these people wouldn’t survive this encounter. Even though Yoongis friends claimed that he was a cute marshmellow inside, nobody would ever believe them.
So, everyone expected that Taehyung wouldn’t survive the first week but he did and the week after that, the whole month and now they were already roommates for nine months. And Yoongi must admit it wasn’t too bad.
But something was wrong, something was wrong with Taehyung – had been for the past three months or so. In the beginning Yoongi didn’t really thought anything about the small changes in Taehyungs behaviour but nowadays it was too obvious for him to ignore.
It started when Taehyung went out less and less, something that went by unnoticed by Yoongi at first. But after the first two weeks Taehyung was leaving their dorm almost for nothing except his classes and even those was he skipping often. Then, just skipping a few became not going for a few days at all. He had always been a morning person, his alarm barely started and he had been already on his feet, now he slept through three alarms and Yoongi had to drag him out of bed or he wouldn’t get up at all. Well, college life is tough, Yoongi had thought, everyone would get tired over time.
Then he sometimes caught Taehyung in some kind of trance, the younger would sit or lie on his bed, eyes wide open, unfocused and staring at nothing. If it wouldn’t be for the soft rising of his chest one could think that he was dead. Taehyung was spacing out more and more, sometimes in the middle of doing something, he would just stop midmovement and stared at nothing. When that happened his usual happy expression vanished, his eyes looked so empty, hollow and sad. But Yoongi never said anything. He didn’t know what or how to even start.
After the first month Yoongi noticed that Taehyung had stopped eating all the time, the younger used to have snacks stashed everywhere. Yoongi even found some chocolate in their bathroom one time but now, nothing. He was used to Taehyung eating all the time, even grew used to the fact that he forgot he had food in his mouth while talking. It was strange. And Yoongi found himself staring at Taehyung during lunch in the cafeteria, even there the younger was eating less and less everyday. Yoongi normally wasn’t watching someone this closely especially beause he and Taehyung weren’t more than roommates but he couldn’t help himself. He saw how the younger eyed his food, a look of disgust on his face. Maybe Taehyung thought he was being subtle, Yoongi still noticed but it seemed like he was the only one.
The first night he heard Taehyung cry was a few weeks ago, now the younger seemed to always cry when he thought nobody noticed. Sometimes Yoongi followed him in bathrooms or empty lecture halls, unnoticed of course and he would just listen to the others sobbing. And suddenly more and more small details surfaced everyday. His bright smile that now looked forced and never reached his eyes. The way he sometimes turned away from his group of friends and his face fell for a few seconds. Expression shattered. And Yoongi still didn’t say anything, he pretended he knew nothing. Pretended he didn’t see Taehyung limping sightly when he came from the bathroom, pretended like he didn’t see the little red patch that was visible on his pants. He pretended he didn’t see it when Taehyung forget to clean a small splatter of blood in the bathroom, no, Yoongi never said anything. He washed the blood away so Taehyung wouldn’t know that he knew. He pretended he never found the bloody razor blades hidden behind the mirror. He didn’t know what else to do, couldn’t do anything, only pretend that he saw nothing.
When he saw Taehyung this morning in front of the mirror again, he finally decided that i was enough, that he really needed to do something, anything. But he still had no idea what.
It had became one of the youngers routines in the past three weeks to get up way before Yoongi. He always went back to bed later. But Yoongi knew, at six in the morning Taehyung would be up and in front of the mirror. The older always pretended to sleep, only cracking one eye slightly open to watch the other.
Taehyung stood in front of the body length mirror, hair disheveled, eyes tired, rimmed red and with dark circles underneath, skin that once used to look so healthy, so tan, now sickly pale. He would stay like this for about five minutes, then, like it pained him, he lifted his shirt to look at his exposed upper body. When Yoongi saw him do that the first time the younger looked healthy, not fat and not close to chubby either but now, now his stomach was sunken in, sharp hip bones jutting out and ribs visible, he looked sick. There were wounds right underneath his hip bones and Yoongi didn’t want to even think about all the possible other places the younger had cut through his own skin.
He watched as tears slid down the others cheeks and listened to the sentence that Taehyung was always repeating, again and again and again. “Beauty knows no pain.“ Would he repeat over and over again, as long as it took to convince himself that he did the right thing. Then he went to hide under his covers again. It pained Yoongi seeing the younger like that. Pained him because he felt sorry, because he was sure that Taehyung had been a truly happy person in the beginning and now he was… this… this human wreck. And Yoongi was only watching. Only watching how the other fell apart more and more.
Yoongi waited, waited until Taehyung was breathing evenly again and he could be sure that the younger was sleeping again. As quiet as he could he got up, still unsure about what the hell he would even do.
He couldn’t just go up to Taehyung and talk to him, they weren’t friends and he didn’t want the other to think that he was a weird stalker or something. His gaze fell on Taehyungs bag, without thinking too much about it he pulled the first book out that he saw. He opened it at a marked page, with a messy scrawl, he began writing something on a bright pink sticky note. Carefully he pressed it right in the middle of the page and closed the book again, putting it back. He didn’t do much, maybe Taehyung wouldn’t even read the note, wouldn’t even open his book but he still felt a tiny bit better. Tonight he wouldn’t let Taehyung cry himself to sleep alone.
“Don’t give up. The dawn right before the sun rises is the darkest. Don’t give up.“
~
He didn’t know if Taehyung read the note or not, the younger wasn’t acting any different. But Yoongi would, tonight. He had left anothe note under the table in the cafeteria, Taehyung always sat in the same spot so that was easy but the younger had to find the note.
“You’re not alone.“
Taehyungs eyes widened for a second when he had the pink slip of paper between his fingers, his head snapped up looking around the cafeteria, searching for a clue of who might have put the note there. Yoongi quickly looked at his food but he wasn’t really hungry. Couldn’t eat when he knew that Taehyung wouldn’t put the fork near his mouth.
~
Taehyung went to bed like always, earlier than Yoongi but he never closed his eyes, always staring at the ceiling until Yoongi went under his own covers and darkness spread through the room. Yoongi hurried to go to sleep today but he waited a little to not seem suspicious, he usually stayed up pretty late. He was watching Taehyung through the darkness, trying to even his breathing, to seem like he already fell asleep and after what felt like an eternity Taehyung moved. The first sniffles sounded through the quiet room, suppressed sobs and Yoongi could see his frame shaking. His heart clenched painfully.
He waited only two or three minutes until he stood up. He heard the hitch in Taehyungs breathing, the way he desperately tried to be quiet but Yoongi ignored it. He sat down, his side leaned against the youngers bed and then he slowly began stroking the others hair. At first Taehyung was frozen, he didn’t move and Yoongi swore that he even held his breath but he didn’t do it for long.
With a deep breath he let loose. The cries weren’t suppressed anymore, the mattress was vibrating with the force of his sobs and clammy hands dragged Yoongis arm closer. He let him, continued stroking his slightly greasy hair, when was the last time Taehyung showered? When was the last time he had properly taken care of himself?
They stayed like that until Taehyung stopped crying and fell asleep, exhausted. Yoongi stayed, fingers still tangled in Taehyungs hair. His chest was tight and it physically hurt him looking at such a… broken guy. Especially because he got to know Taehyung when he was still full of happiness. He wanted him to be happy again.
When Yoongi woke up he was still sitting on the floor, leaning on an empty bed. Everything hurt. Fucking everything. He heard the known sentence coming out of Taehyungs mouth, when he turned around the younger flinched, pulling his shirt down and looking alarmed at the older.
„I… uhm, sorry I woke you up!“ He said rushed. Yoongi said nothing. He couldn’t. He could never find the right words when it came to the younger.
He only stood up and went to get his block of sticky notes. Taehyungs eyes widened, realizing that Yoongi had left him the notes. But Yoongi ignored him, he scribbled only one word on the paper and then stuck it to Taehyungs forehead. His heart was beating way too fast and he willed his face to stay expressionless and prayed that his light skin tone won’t make the slight blush on his cheeks even more obvious.
Taehyung took the note carefully, fingers trembling slightly. He read it over, silent tears rolling over his cheeks again. „Sleep.“ Yoongi whispered to him and went back into his own bed.
“Beautiful.“
~
Yoongi was still unable to talk to the younger, still couldn’t find the right words to say but he kept leaving encouraging notes for him. And even though he couldn’t talk, Taehyung did. It took the younger a while until he trusted Yoongi enough but after he did he had started talking. And he talked a lot. Sometimes about random things that just came to his mind and other times about what he felt.
His insecurities, his fears, the dark thoughts that poisoned his mind and Yoongi would listen. Would listen to everything without complaining about anything.
Taehyung was slowly getting better, he was making tiny tiny steps but he made them – with Yoongis help. The older had taken the razor blades away, demanding to treat Taehyungs wounds and even though he had struggled at first the younger had given in. Yoongi had cleaned the various cuts on the inside of Taehyungs thighs, with careful fingers he brushed his finger over every one. He hoped that Taehyung would never feel the need to do something like this ever again.
He was often sleeping with Taehyung. The younger would silently crawl under his blanket and Yoongi let him, he engulfed Taehyung in a hug and let the other sleep with his head on top of his chest, listening to Yoongis heartbeat. It became normal that Taehyung went to him when he wasn’t feeling well and Yoongi liked it. He liked making Taehyung happier, he even pulled a laugh from the other, a real one and he had never been more happy.
Taehyung had talked to his friends, not about everything and he had needed Yoongi at his side, as a reassurance, a hand he could hold on to. He had told them a lot about his problems, that he needed space and time to recover. They were all understanding, reassuring Taehyung that they would support him and not push things. The younger started going out again, not often but he went to meet his friends sometimes again. And still, at the end of the day he always came crawling back under Yoongis covers.
Getting the younger to eat again was the most difficult thing. Yoongi knew that it would probably be the best if Taehyung went to a therapist for his problems but the younger was refusing even the thought. And Yoongi couldn’t force him just like he couldn’t force him to eat again. They now sat together during the meals, under Yoongis sharp gaze Taehyung was slowly, very slowly starting to eat little pieces of his food again.
But not only Taehyung changed, Yoongi did too. He was able to talk now, he could talk with Taehyung through the night, he began talking to the youngers friends too and it became common knowledge that the infamous ice man was suddelny warming a little up to other people. Of course only because of Taehyungs influence.
But something else changed. The way he viewed Taehyung became different. Suddenly he found himself staring at Taehyung for a different reason than to check on him. He found himself watching the curve of his neck, the sparkling in his brown eyes, the way his soft hair was falling over his forehead. He noticed small details, like the small mole he had on his nose or the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled for real. And suddenly looking at Taehyung made his heart flutter, warmth spreading through his whole body and a tingling sensation starting in his stomach. At first Yoongi was confused about the sudden change of emotions towards the younger or more like he pretended to be confused because he knew exactly what he felt but he avoided the issue. Pretending to not know was easier than to deal with what came with the feelings.
Suddenly it was very difficult for him having Taehyung always so close, especially at night. When the younger was clinging to him, his smell invading Yoongis senses and just Taehyung everywhere. It was hard, sometimes quite literally. But Yoongi was sure that the younger didn’t notice a thing.
“Hyung?” Taehyung said one evening, he had been quietly sitting on his bed since Yoongi came back, fidgeting. The older looked up from his homework. “Mhm?”
“Did you really mean that?” he held up a wrinkled piece of paper, a obnoxious bright pink piece of paper to be precise. Yoongi came closer to read the smudged handwriting. Beautiful, was written there in his own handwriting, it was the note he had once stuck to Taehyungs head.
Yoongi searched the youngers gaze, he looked uncertain, nervous, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and avoiding looking back at Yoongi. “Of course, Tae.” The taller smiled at the nickname. “So, you think I’m beautiful?” He asked, still nervous.
Yoongi nodded. “Good,” Taehyung breathed out a sigh of relief. “Because I think you’re quite beautiful yourself.” Yoongi chuckled, Taehyung was just too cute.
“I like you.” The younger said.
“I like you too.”
But it seemed like Taehyung wasn’t satisfied with his answer because he groaned in desperation, burying his face in his pillows. “That’s not what I mean!” he half yelled desperately. “I mean… uhm… that I don’t like you like a friend. I mean, I like you more than as a friend? I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you but I don’t know but it’s – when I look at you – it’s not like in those bad dramas when suddenly everything is in slowmotions and you sparkle or some shit but it comes pretty close! I mean, my heart goes all crazy and shit and you are just too cute sometimes. I mean how could I not fall for you and you’ve been so so so fucking nice to me and I’m just not sure if you just did it because you pity me but I really hope that’s not the reason. Uhm, I wish I could just stop talking right now but somehow it doesn’t work, my mouth just keeps producing sounds and why aren’t you doing anything against it? This is like high key humiliating and I think my heart is going to explode because shit you need to control that smile of yours! It’s dangerous, dangerous for my heart. Do you even know how cute you look right now and-“
Yoongi finally cut him off. He pressed his chapped lips against Taehyungs, it took the younger only a second to start kissing back. “I like you too, like more than as a friend.” Yoongi chuckled and pulled Taehyung in again.
They were clumsy, both nervous and a little to enthusiastic, teeth clacking against each other and hands roaming through hairs and over backs. Yoongi never felt more content than right now, right here in Taehyungs arms, with Taehyungs lips on his and Taehyungs tongue running over his lower lip. It was messy, far from perfect but still so so good. But the kiss ended abruptly as Yoongis hands brushed against Taehyungs stomach, the younger immediately shied away from him, eyes wide and arms wrapped around his torso.
“I’m sorry…What’s wrong…?” Yoongi asked, still a little breathless. Taehyung just shook his head and mumbled something that was too quiet for the older to understand. “What?”
“I said,” Taehyung repeated embarrassed. “I don’t want you to feel how… how much weight I gained…”
Yoongi could only stare at him. Of course Taehyung was still insecure about everything and especially his body. “Shh…” Yoongi whispered and pulled Taehyung down to lie on the bed. The younger looked up at him with big teary eyes, Yoongi sat down, straddeling his waist. Carefully he pulled Taehyungs arms away from his body, feeling his rapid pulse on his wrists, he kissed each hand once and then put them down on the bed.
“You are beautiful…” he whispered while slowly pulling up Taehyungs shirt, he was intensely staring at the others face, looking for any sign of disagreement. The younger was grimacing slightly but he didn’t stop Yoongi from pulling his shirt off all the way. Carefully the older brushed his hands over the soft skin of Taehyungs upper body. His ribs weren’t visible anymore, his stomach wasn’t sunken in but he was still extremely thin, it just didn’t look unhealthy anymore.
“Bautiful…” he whispered again, shuffling down to press kisses around the others navel, feeling the muscles twitch underneath his lips. With the slight help of Taehyung, Yoongi managed to pull his pants down. Leaving the younger in only his underwear, cheeks painted red and trying to squirm away from Yoongis gaze. “Perfect…” He leant down and began placing featherlight kisses on every of Taehyungs scars. The youngers legs twitched in Yoongis hold and his breath had gotten heavier.
When Yoongi kissed the last scar he came up again, intertwining their hands and pressing another kiss to Taehyungs lips. “If you ever forget that you’re beautiful, come to me. I’ll gladly show you that you’re wrong.”
“Okay…” Taehyung whispered with a smile on his lips and a lonely but happy tear dripping from his left eye.
“I love you.”