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"Ma? How'd ya know Pops was 'the one'?"
Big Mama paused in her paperwork and peered up at her eldest. On the other side of her desk, Raphael was fiddling nervously with his fingers, face turned away and cheeks flushed. Her dark lips twisted into a pleased smirk as she set down her pen.
"I'm oh so very certainly-wertin we've told you boys the story of how we met, Raphie-bear," she cooed, lacing her fingers together and resting her chin on them.
"Yeah, yeah, 'course ya did, Ma," Raph agreed, rubbing his neck in embarrassment and continuing to look away. "I know how it happened, but like…how'd ya know he was th' one ya wanted to…ya know. Build a life and criminal empire with?"
Big Mama gasped theatrically and pressed her hands to her cheeks. "'Criminal empire'? Why Raphie-taffy, I am a legitimate businesswoman just doing my biddly-best navigating a male-dominated world."
That finally got her son to face her, his expression wry. "Ma, yer 'legitimate business' is blood sport."
"Which is perfectly legalicious in the Hidden City."
"Yeah, that's the legitimate part-a yer business," Raph teased. "The front that ya let everyone see."
Big Mama giggled, demurely covering her mouth with one hand. "I should know better than to try that song and dance on my best enforcer."
Obligingly, Raph struck a bodybuilder pose and flexed while mean-mugging at her. When she laughed at his antics, her turtley-boo dropped the pose and gave her his usual sweet grin. "No but seriously, Ma," he said sincerely. "How'd ya know Pops was the right one for you?"
She hummed thoughtfully. "Well I'm sure you don't want to hear about what a pert little tushie he had when we met."
Looking like he'd eaten something that disagreed with him, Raph let out a scandalized, "Ma!"
Tittering behind her hand, Big Mama stood up from her desk and stepped around to the other side, dropping her human disguise on the way. For little heart-to-hearts like this, she found Raphael took comfort from being smaller than her. Though the way her boy was growing, he may catch up to her height one day soon.
All the more reason to take advantage of being able to bundle him up in her many arms while she still could.
Pulling him in close, Big Mama hugged Raph to her chest and rested her chin on top of his head. From within her embrace, she could feel and hear her son let out a deep sigh of contentment and relax against her. Her poor Big Red had missed several years of being held after outgrowing his father, and she never grew tired of making up for that lost time.
"I'm sure your soft little secrety-wecret romantic heart would like to hear it was some fairy tale story of love at first sight," she crooned, poking his side just to hear him giggle. "And I'm afraid I can't oblige, my precious baby boo. He was a potential recruit for my Battle Nexus, nothing more. An excellent potential recruit, but nothing spishie-special."
She sighed fondly, thinking of the beginning years with her darling Yoshi né Lou. "Then we spent time together, I got to know him, and he swept me off my feet."
"Y-You did?" Raph asked, perking up curiously. "I mean, he did?"
Big Mama chuckled and gently let go of him to give him a little twirl. "Surely you've seen us dance together, my Big Red."
"Oh! Right! Of course that's what ya meant. Dancin'." Raph grinned sheepishly.
The suspicion that had been sprouting in her brain since her son first started asking about her love life started blooming lovely little theory flowers. Leaning down to eye-level, she grinned and gently tickled under Raph's chin with one claw.
"Now why is my precious Raph-a-bye baby asking how I fell in love," Big Mama wondered aloud, giving him a pointed look.
Nervous pheromones emanated from her son and he looked away, a thin sheen of sweat breaking out on his face. "N-Nothin', Mama! I mean! I got— I left the stove on, gotta go!" Raph blurted, running for the door before she could stop him. "Love ya Ma, thanks fer the chat!"
Big Mama watched her eldest son burst out of her office at such speed that the door almost broke off its hinges. Smirking to herself, she tapped a claw against her cheek in thought. This required some investigation.
Leaning back against her desk, she pulled out her phone and tapped a few buttons. She listened to it ring for a moment, before two beeps indicated it had connected. "I need you to look into a fizzy-winkle little thing for me, darlings," she lilted.
"Yes, Mama," the twins somehow said in unison, even though she could hear from the background noise that they weren't together. Baby Blue all saccharine sweetness and precious Purple in monotone.
When she had accepted her snuggy-wuggy-huggy-muffin's proposal all those years ago, she hadn't realized she would be marrying into the ancient and influential Hamato Clan. Or that her new husband was the last living heir. She had only known he was a good fighter, showy and talented, and brought in the crowds.
Then they'd had their falling out over such a tiny, petty thing as her imprisoning him and forcing him to fight. And Draxy-waxum stuck his snout where it didn't belong to steal away her fuzzy-wumpus for his mad alchemy, only to immediately lose her dearest Lou and his experiments in an explosive lab accident.
Well, her seemingly-widowed younger self hadn't expected to soon after be contacted by the dying clan head to transfer control of House Hamato to his grandson's wife. She also hadn't expected to just a few years later be reunited with a mutated, fuzzy version of her wayward husband and immediately find herself a mother of four.
She never could have expected any of that, but most of all she never would have expected what a delight and boon her adopted children would be.
"What's the deets, Mom?" her Leo-lion asked cheerfully.
Glancing up at the door again, she said, "Your big brother's keeping secrets from Mama. You know how much I decidedly dislike secrets in the family."
Leo gave a theatrical gasp that was almost a perfect mirror of hers, while Donnie gave a distracted, "Oh no, how dare he."
"Find out what our Big Red's hiding from me, my dearest duo?"
"Of course, Mama," Donnie replied, while Leo whooped, "Aye-aye, Mama!"
"Good boys," she praised them, heart swelling with pride.
Leo had a plan. Of course he did, he was the plan guy! Big Mama's scheming student, puppeteering protégé, manipulation mentee. As always, if there was a strategy needed, Leon's got it!
Donnie was obviously handling the tech side of things. Camera feeds from everywhere Raph had been, Raph's internet history, and records of the biometric data from the subcutaneous tracker he definitely didn't implant in Raph while he was sleeping.
Leo was of course handling the interpersonal side of things. Opening up conversations, steering Raph toward topics that would get him enough information that he could trick a confession out of his big bro. While also being his usual chatterbox self so Raph-a-doodle didn't suspect anything.
And Mikey was there to weaponize his baby brother-ness. A skill Leo had been coaching him on and helping him refine ever since they were children and Leo noticed Mikey's big eyes and adorable tooth-gap could open an abundance of metaphorical (and physical!) doors if properly aimed.
Leo hadn't actually told him what they were up to, but Mikey liked to be included and had threatened to tattle to Raph if he wasn't allowed to help. So…yeah.
Anyway, prying out his oldest brother's secret required a delicate touch (and not Dr. Delicate Touch, though he was a back-up plan). Because while Leo may have been the plan guy, Raph had grown up with him being the plan guy. Raph had also spent their entire lives dealing with their collective shenanigans. So while they were all weak against Mikey's baby status when the youngest really wanted something, Raph did have some immunity after years of insisting on bedtimes and other healthy living habits.
But Mama was counting on him and Donnie! And even above being a plan guy, Leo was first and foremost a mama's boy.
He would not let his mama down.
Raph's brothers were up to something.
Which was kind of like pointing out they were breathing. Raph's brothers were exhausting little bozos who were always up to something. But this seemed like an extra something they were up to.
And that made Raph nervous.
"Okay what is with the Nervous Stink you've been blasting us with all day, bro?" Leo complained, waving a hand in front of his face and grimacing.
Shrinking in on himself, Raph muttered a quiet, "Sorry."
"I mean, we're all used to your various stinks," Leo started to back-track, looking like he regretted bringing it up.
"They are called pheromones, you uneducated plebe, and they're an intrinsic part of his biology," Donnie scolded, not looking up from his wrist computer. Though he did smirk a little when he added, "Just like you being an invasive species."
Leo gasped and pressed a hand to his chest, looking as scandalized as if someone had attacked their mother in front of him. "Bro."
Shoving past both of them, Mikey approached Raph with an affectionate smile and hugged his big brother's arm. "I think what Leo was trying to say," he said gently, leaning his full weight on Raph, "was that we're worried about you. You've been acting and smelling nervous lately, and we're here for you if you want to talk."
Raph eyed the youngest suspiciously. Mikey may not have dressed the part, but Raph could recognize Dr. Feelings when he heard him.
"Raph's just fine!" he said quickly.
Leo looked away from bickering with Donnie to lift a skeptical eyebrow and ask, "But are you really?"
"Expression of disbelief," Donnie added, shoving Leo away with a hand to his face.
Looking up at him with big, innocent eyes, Mikey rubbed his cheek against Raph's bicep and hugged his arm tighter. "We're here for you, Raphie," he said with soul-deep sincerity.
Raph bit his lip against a confession, looking away from his littlest brother. His mouth wobbled and he broke out in a sweat as he felt his walls crumbling in the face of Biggest Brother Duty telling him the smallest of their little family needed him.
"Love you, big bro," Mikey whispered, the final nail in the affection coffin.
"Okay!" Raph barked, trying to shake him off his arm. Mikey, well used to hanging on to his brothers through extensive jostling, just clung tighter. "Okay, Raph'll tell! Just…stop."
Mikey hopped off and gave him a playful salute, tongue sticking out between his teeth. Leo and Donnie paused their argument to look up in surprise.
"Oh fo' shizzle?" Leo asked, immediately losing interest in his argument to come stand next to Mikey.
"Yes!" Raph snapped, taking a step back from his younger brothers. "Just stop all the…" He waved a hand at Mikey. "That."
"I will try to contain my adorableness," Mikey promised solemnly, hand over his heart.
Raph let out a deep breath and slumped over, bracing himself. "Okay, okay… You guys remember that little…dust-up we had with the Foot Clan the other day?"
"Hm, do I remember us getting our shells handed to us by the Foot?" Leo asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Yes. Obviously I remember. I still have road rash from the big one smearing me across Midtown."
"Face Man got faced," Mikey shouted, raising his arms over his head and pointing at Leo
Leo shot him an unimpressed look and muttered, "What does that even mean?"
Cutting a hand through the air, Raph interrupted, "Not important. You remember the one I was fighting?"
"Foot Recruit?" Mikey asked, tilting his head in thought. After a moment his eyes widened as he remembered. "Oh yeah! She knocked you out, didn't she?"
Overcome by the memory, Raph stared off into the distance. "She…swept me off my feet," he whispered in awe, eyes wide and shining in a way usually reserved for watching Ghostbear wrestling.
His younger brothers stared at him for a moment, eyes wide, before their faces quickly morphed into expressions of gremlin-like glee.
"Ohmigosh!" Leo shouted throwing his arms up excitedly. "Bro. Bro!"
Jumping onto Raph's shoulders Mikey squished his brother's cheeks and sang, "Raphie's got a cru-ush! Raphie's got a cruuush!"
Donnie even piped up with, "Haha! Playful mocking!"
"It-It ain't a crush!" Raph shouted, flapping one hand at the twins while trying to dislodge Mikey with the other. "I just appreciate her martial prowess!"
"Yeah, that was actually pretty impressive," Mikey agreed, crossing his arms on top of Raph's head and leaning his chin on them, ignoring Raph shoving at him. "She's like my size, right? And she just flipped you over her shoulder like you didn't weight nothin'."
"It wasn't a shoulder throw, it was a hip throw," Raph corrected, shoulders slumping as he resigned himself to acting as his youngest brother's chair until Mikey decided to move. "And yes it was impressive. She's impressive. I was impressed. That's it." He crossed his arms over his chest and feigned indifference. Badly. "Ain't often Raph meets someone who can beat 'im."
"True, true." Leo nodded.
"Yes, agreed, dearest Raphala," Donnie added, before holding up a holographic screen showing camera footage of the fight. "But if you're just impressed, I am a Lissemys punctata. Behold, brothers!"
With a wide flourish, he gestured to the screen, where Raphael was slowly picking himself up off the floor. The recording of their older brother looked gobsmacked and frankly lovesick.
However, the reveal was somewhat ruined by his brothers all mentally tripping over the unfamiliar words.
"Lissie punk-whaaat?" Mikey asked.
Wind abruptly taken out of his sails, Donnie sputtered, "Lissemys punctata? The Indian flapshell turtle? It's…a kind of softshell turtle I am not?" At their continued blank looks, he flailed his arms. "Oh come on! It's not even the same subfamily as my species. Am I the only one in this family who cares about our biological origins?"
"Yes," Leo answered immediately.
Mikey clasped his hands over his heart and said consolingly, "I care, Donnie. And if you say you're not a Lassie punk, I believe you. You can be anything you put your mind to, and I support you one hundred percent!"
"It's not a matter of believ— I am literally a mutated Apalone spinifera, Michel!" Donnie squawked indignantly.
While the two bickered (or Donnie bickered and Mikey did his best to support his brother's life choices), Raph found himself watching as the security footage on Donnie's holographic screen continued. In it, the Foot Recruit sneered at the on-screen Raphael and silently goaded him. He remembered her shouting "Is that all ya got?!" as she grinned and roughly wiped a smear of blood from the corner of her mouth.
She was unhinged. Brutal. Deadly.
She was beautiful.
Unbeknownst to him, Leo was watching him watch the footage and smirking to himself as the last pieces of the puzzle fell into place in his mind.
Big Mama paused as a familiar ringtone suddenly jingled over the sounds of fearful begging. She flicked blood off her claws and held one up to silence the blubbering fool rudely bleeding over her office rug
"Hush now, Mama needs to take this," she scolded, turning away as she pulled out her phone. With a sweet tone barely covering her irritation, she answered it with, "Hello my little blueberry. Is there a reason you're calling during work hours?"
"Aw, Maaa," Leo pouted over the line. "Isn't family more important than whoever you're meeting with?"
"Of course, dear, but protecting our family's reputation is more important than a chit-chatty chin-waggle we could save for after hours."
"Mm-hm, mm-hm, I hear ya, totally agree. Anywhizzle, this is important chit-chat. Got an answer to that little mystery you asked me an' Donnie to sleuth out."
That made her stand up straight in surprise. "Raphie-poo's secret? Already? Well well, my baby Blue, I am impressified. But is this a real answer or a theory."
"Weeell, he didn't outright say," Leo drawled. "But his face kinda did it for him. And when all the evidence points in one direction…well, I'll let you be the judge. Video's comin' your way now, courtesy of Don-tron. Now I'll let ya get back to explaining to your meeting why it's bad business stealing from our family."
Startled, Big Mama moved her phone so she could stare at it. "How—?"
"Love ya, Mommy!" Leo called out. "Kisses! Mwah!"
And then the brilliant rapscallion hung up. She chuckled at his audacity.
A moment later, her phone pinged to indicate a file had been received. Then a second ping signaling a second file.
Behind her, the previously scheduled business meeting whimpered. She peered over her shoulder at him and smiled winsomely. "Shush, I'll get back to you soon enough."
Without another word, she turned back to her phone and opened the first file. It was security footage of a fight her boys recently got into against the Foot Clan. They were becoming a bittlely-bit of a problem. And if the Hamato family scrolls were to be believed, they were only going to get worse. Perhaps it was time to get serious about doing something about them.
Something more permanent than a scuffle with her rambunctious children.
The video clip wasn't very long. It was only long enough to show a small, manically-grinning woman flip Raphael and silently taunt him…and Raph's reaction. Eyes widening with delight, Big Mama realized what Leo had meant about her eldest's face. Raphael had never been good at hiding his emotions, and it was clear even from the mid-range quality of the footage that her precious snappy-boo was smitten.
The second video clip was even shorter, and Donatello had captioned it, "This mean anything to you?" The video was at an angle indicating it was recorded by something on Donnie's person, and it showed Raph with that smitten expression again as he whispered, "She…swept me off my feet."
A gasp escaped her as she recognized the words. Oh this was so much more than a simple crush, if it had her Raphie-bear asking about her own experiences with Lou. Perhaps it was just Raph being a romantic, but in her experience the Hamatos loved easily. And if you were worthy, that love would grow roots that not even death could destroy.
Well, this may provide an unexpected solution to the Foot Clan problem.
After all, there was more than one way to end a clan feud.
Pulling up her text chat with the twins, she sent:
I knew I could count on you. Well done, boys. Mama is pleased.
Humming to herself, she pulled up Lou in her contacts and was about to call him when another whimper pulled her back to her interrupted meeting. Feigning surprise, she turned back to the pathetic thief sprawled on her floor.
"Terribly sorry, dear, but this meeting's just moved to the biddly-bottom of my priorities." She grinned viciously and drew a thumb in a line across her throat before growling, "So I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut it short."
The thief's terrified scream abruptly ended with a gurgle, and he found a way to inconvenience her one last time with a spray of arterial blood across her face. With a huff of irritation, she half-heartedly wiped it away before pressing the call button.
When her darling husbandy-boo answered, he grunted out, "I thought you said you'd be busy all afternoon."
With a coquettish giggle, she put him on speaker and set the phone on her desk. "I've cleared my schedule," she told him, grabbing a dark purple towel off the desktop and beginning the tedious task of wiping away the blood on her. "Something unexpected came up."
That gave Lou pause. "Unexpected? Cleared— Are you alright? The boys?"
Despite the rebellion of his younger years, at his core he was a dedicated family man. One of many things Big Mama loved about him.
"Everything's fine, my lovey-dove muffin," she cooed. "But we do need to discuss the boys. And the future of the Hamato family…"