Work Text:
When his darling Lena called him in the middle of what he assumed was a very bloody meeting to tell him something unexpected had prompted her to clear her schedule, his first thought was that either she had been injured during the meeting or heard of one of their boys getting into trouble. Instead, she reassured him and invited him to her office.
When he got there, he could tell the meeting had been just as bloody as he expected, and he had wrinkled his nose at the sight and smell. Waving him away from the mess, his wife had delightedly shown him two videos of Raphael.
Of their four children, Leonardo was perhaps the one who bore the most physical resemblance to Lou. At least as he was in his prime.
However, watching as his eldest recovered from being flipped in one video and then described being flipped in another, Lou could easily recognize his own love-struck expression on the larger, green face.
Lou's eyes darted up from Lena's phone to meet her thrilled smirk. "Raphael has a crush on the Foot Clan girl," he said.
"That's perhaps understating it, my sugarplum dumpling," Lena purred. "This has the makings of love if allowed to run its course."
Lou raised an eyebrow. He recognized that tone and expression. "You have a scheme," he observed.
Tapping a claw to her lips, Lena ducked her head demurely. "Perhaps…"
A chuckle bubbled up from his chest and Lou reached for her hand, pulling it closer to kiss the back. "Shmoopy-woompus," he cajoled. "You know how I love your schemes. Let me conspire with you?"
Lena giggled and told him all about the clever web she wanted to weave. A way to nip the rising nuisance of the Foot Clan in the bud, while also strengthening the Hamato Clan. A bid for safety in the increasingly violent world their children were becoming embroiled in.
And perhaps most of all, a way to ensure their eldest son's future happiness.
Lou considered all that thoughtfully, nodding in all the right places. Then he had the rare pleasure of flipping his wife's script and providing her with an angle that would make her scheme both easier and more interesting.
Pressing another kiss to the back of her hand, he told her, "The Hamato and Foot Clans were once one and the same, centuries ago. This wouldn't be a uniting of clans, it would be a reuniting."
Lena gasped, eyes widening in glee. "Lou-bear! Well now we have to!"
"Only if Red agrees," Lou said sternly, wagging a finger at her. "I'll not have my son used as a unwilling pawn in a clan feud."
Grinning sharply, Lena agreed, "Of course, fuzzy cuddlelupagus. My sons will only be willing pawns, if I have any say in it."
So they invited Raphael to Big Mama's office to discuss the plan. When he arrived, sweaty and fiddling with his fingers, they kindly ignored the Nervous Stink he was letting off. Reassuring him that he wasn't in trouble for anything didn't do much to calm him down, but then he'd always been a bit high-strung.
When they showed him the footage from Donnie, Raph grumbled under his breath, "Of course he was recording, he records everything."
"Yes yes, it's one of my favorite things about it," Lena dismissed, waving a hand.
"We are not here to discuss Purple's quirky invasions of privacy," Lou added. "We are here to discuss the future of our family and clan, and how you can help ensure it. If you agree!"
With that suitably dramatic opener to get Raph's attention, they explained the plan and how it would work. It was relatively simple, but would impact both the Hamato and Foot clans for generations to come.
When they finished the explanation and waited expectantly, Raph's eyes darted back and forth between them before he slowly, uncertainly agreed, "Oh…kay?"
Lena swept him into a hug and excitedly pressed kisses to the top of his head. "Oooh my big, brave cherry blossom, I'm so dingley-delighted!"
While Red gave a weak smile, Lou stepped out of the office to give Señor Hueso a call. The man had always been kind to the boys, even before he knew their connection to Big Mama, and Lou hoped familiar surroundings would calm Raphael's nerves.
One of the back rooms at Run of the Mill was booked. Now all he needed to do was get the Foot Clan to agree to a meeting.
Raph was nervous.
He maaay have zoned out a little while Pops and Mama explained why they were meeting the Foot Clan and what it had to do with how impressed he was at Foot Recruit's ability to kick his butt. It was important, he knew that. Something about the future of the Hamato clan, and him needing to do something to ensure it. But he'd been so nervous while they were explaining it, all he remembered was static.
So he was nervous before his parents talked to him, he was nervous while they talked to him, and he was definitely nervous after they talked to him.
His Nervous Stink was so bad, Pops had chuckled a spray bottle of extra strength deodorant at him before they left to go to Run of the Mill. And his brothers had given him some space on the way there.
Now that they were at the pizzeria to meet with the Foot Clan, Raph was just hoping he would be able to pick up enough context clues to figure out what it was about.
"I'm actually kind of surprised you agreed to his," Donnie told him, eyes on his phone. Leo and Mikey were at the host stand chatting with Señor Hueso.
Raph gave a tight grin and rubbed the back of his neck. "Well, yeah, I mean… When Pops and Mama explained how important it was, I couldn't really say 'no'."
"I mean you totally could, but whatever." Donnie glanced up from his phone long enough to smirk at him. "I'm sure it had nothing to do with that uppercut Foot Recruit landed on you, (he said with faux sincerity)."
Pointing at him, Raph said sternly, "Her form was impeccable. I ain't ashamed I got laid out by that punch, because she earned it."
Donnie's eyes returned to his phone and he chuckled. "I guess if you're into that kind of thing. Nardo actually bet me ten bucks the only reason you agreed is because you got so nervous your ears stopped working and you had no idea what you were agreeing to."
Freezing, Raph stared at his younger brother in horror, Nervous Stink getting stronger.
It took a moment, but Donnie eventually noticed the smell and the telling silence. He slowly lowered his phone to stare at Raph in disbelief. "No," he intoned, as if saying it firmly enough could change reality.
"Now Donnie—" Raph started, holding up his hands.
"Raphael Hamato, how dare you make me lose a bet that stupid!" Donnie gasped quietly, pressing a dramatic hand to his chest.
"Hey, it's not that—"
"I believed in you!"
Raph shoved a hand over Donnie's mouth, managing to cover the entire bottom half of his brother's face. "Would you pipe down!" he hissed.
Donnie pried Raph's hand off and scoffed. "I can't believe you agreed to this meeting without knowing what it's for."
"But you do know why we're meetin'," Raph wheedled desperately, clasping his hands together. "An' you can tell me. And…I won't tell Leo he was right?"
Donnie's eyebrows lowered in a glare. "No. First of all, twin bets are sacred and I won't besmirch their good name by even discussing cheating on one. Second, you deserve to have your reaction recorded when you finally find out what you agreed to." He tapped away at his phone for a moment, then held it up for Raph to see.
It was a money transfer to Leo for ten dollars.
As Raph watched with dread, Donnie pressed "send".
A moment later, he heard a ding from Leo's phone and his heart sank. He slowly turned to where Leo was pulling out his phone and staring at it with a confused look. Suddenly, Leo's eyes widened and his head shot up, turning to look in Raph's direction. Leo bit his lip and twitched with the effort of holding back laughter.
Raph narrowed his eyes at Leo as his brother sauntered over to join him and Donnie. Rather than poke fun at Raph though, he chose to instead poke Donnie's cheek and smirk at him.
"I believe I also won 'I told you so' rights," Leo said, leaning on his twin's shoulder.
"Rubbing it in was not part of the bet," Donnie growled, shoving at him.
Leo chose to become dead weight in response, poking his cheek again. "I tooold you so!" he taunted.
"Leo!"
"Haha—Ow!" Leo's smug expression changed to pained disbelief when Donnie bit down on his hand.
"Boys!" Lou snapped, re-emerging from the doorway of the back room they would be meeting in. "Behave! We're meeting with humans, they won't find your feral sniping as endearing as your mother's business associates usually do."
"Oh that's quite alright," a raspy voice spoke up from behind them.
Surprised, all but Donnie and Leo turned toward the entrance of Run of the Mill, to find the Foot Lieutenant, Foot Brute, and Foot Recruit. All three seemed unconcerned with the increasingly-physical squabble between the twins.
The Lieutenant gave a hissing laugh as they walked closer. "Kids," he said fondly, giving Lou a commiserating look. "I remember how bloodthirsty they are at that age."
"I still have the scar from where our little girl bit me after her first break-up," the Brute piped up cheerfully, holding up his arm where a pale bite mark was clearly visible.
"And I'd do it again!" Recruit shouted gleefully.
"Even so," Lou grunted. "Red! Air jail, please."
"You got it, Pops!" Raph said, probably more enthusiastic than he needed to be after learning of their bet. Watching his brothers for a moment, he spotted an opening and grabbed each of them by their shells, hefting them up until their feet no longer touched the ground and they couldn't reach each other. Though they still gave a few more swipes at each other before realizing they were too far to connect, then went limp and sulky in his grasp.
"Hmm, impressive," Lieutenant murmured, cupping his chin as he eyed the effortless show of strength. "Your proposal has merit, Mr. Hamato."
Lou smirked at him and gestured toward the meeting room. "Come, let's discuss details."
Raph was no longer nervous.
He was mortified.
Marriage! An arranged marriage. Between him and Foot Recruit, to unite their clans (or re-unite according to Pops) and end a centuries-long feud.
Off to the side, Donnie was chuckling to himself. No doubt he had gotten excellent recordings of Raph's face when Pops and Foot Lieutenant went over the purpose of their clans meeting. Luckily, they were both too busy discussing details to notice his reaction.
"They're both still quite young, so I'm expecting a long courtship," Lou said, pointing to the Lieutenant.
The tall man nodded, not put off in the slightest. "Of course, of course. We have to make sure they're compatible before they make a life-long commitment."
Eventually, they appeared to come to an agreement. Then Pops and Lieutenant turned to face Raph and Recruit.
"Anything to add?" Lou asked, motioning for Raph to take a seat across from the Foot Recruit. "This is your betrothal, after all."
The Nervous Stink returned.
Lou wrinkled his nose, then turned to the Foot Clan members with a sheepish smile and a shrug. "Eh, sorry. Pheromones."
Foot Recruit lean closer to him over the table and growled, "Anyone weak enough to be scared off by your natural musk deserves to lose against you." She inhaled deeply, nostrils flaring, and shouted, "I will not be intimidated!"
"Wooow," Leo drawled quietly somewhere behind him. "Took a noseful of Stink without flinching. Gotta say, I'm impressed."
"Uh…I'm not really tryin'a intimidate you," Raph mumbled, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.
"Good, because you would have failed," Recruit replied, clasping her hands on top of the table. "Now, on to my demands."
"Uh."
"First, you may call me Cassandra," she told him generously. "Until we have gotten to know each other better and I deem you worthy of calling me 'Casey'. You may not use my nickname until you've earned it!"
"That's fair," Raph said slowly, thinking it over. "I'm not very picky about nicknames, so you can call me whatever you want. But I usually go by 'Raph'."
"Acceptable. Second, our first-born will be named Casey Jones Junior, no negotiations."
"F-First born?"
"Of course! Our union will be blessed with many fierce warriors!"
"Many…" Raph's voice was faint and he blushed so hard he looked like his face was going to catch fire.
Cassandra gestured magnanimously to him. "After the first child, names will be negotiable."
Raph cleared his throat, then laced his fingers together on top of the table. If he was going through with this, he might as well treat it seriously. "As long as that negotiation consists of arm-wrestling."
"I accept your term!" Cassandra bellowed, slamming a fist on the table with a manic grin.
"They will sing ballads about our prowess in battle!"
"Donnie gets first dibs on rap ballad."
"Acceptable. I've seen his YouTube channel."
"Donnie?"
"Waaay ahead of you, big bro. The bars practically write themselves."
"Mikey gets to plan the menu for our wedding."
"I will need to sample his cooking first to determine if it is worthy."
"You can come to our next family dinner and Lou Jitsu movie marathon."
"Only if we can watch Punch Chowder!"
"Of course!"
As the two negotiated the minutia of their future marriage, Leo sauntered over to their father and leaned in to murmur, "Pretty sure that 'long courtship' is gonna be waaay shorter than you expected."
"I expected them to get along," Lou muttered back, gesturing to where the two were comparing scars. "I didn't expect this."
"Well that's on you," Leo replied pitilessly, then smirked. "Betcha Mama expected it."
Lou turned to shoot his son an unimpressed glare. "I'm not betting with you anymore."
When he looked over again, Raph and the Foot Recruit had moved on to flexing and comparing their guns. And workout routines.
Snickering to himself, Leo patted his father's shoulder. "Better get ready to be a grandpa, 'cause eventually they're gonna figure out they can do more together than punch things and talk about punching things."
Just a few feet away, the newly-betrothed pair punched the air and shouted in unison, "Hot souuup!"