Chapter Text
I admit that I have tried so hard to ignore these pernicious feelings that my heart still clings onto; I really thought that love was supposed to feel good, but why am I so miserable?
To be loved is to be known, or so they say. How come you know me so well, but you still don't love me? What is it about me that makes you look past me instead of looking at me? You and I are polar opposites, but shouldn't we attract each other then? Perhaps we are so wrong for each other that we defy even the “so-called expected odds” of human nature.
Is it foolish to hope that your hands uncontrollably reach for your phone in hopes that I am just a call away from dropping everything just to see you? Do you think about me when it's dark outside and you're alone with your thoughts? And I know that your head is full of worries and pointless ponderings, but how do I yell “I love you” loud enough so you can hear it?
Three AM, and I'm sprawled out on my bed, being consumed by thoughts about you…get your shit together, girl; it's embarrassing.
No matter how much time has passed since our graduation and no matter how much I gaslight myself that I am fine with being “just friends,” I still end up wanting to give you my heart without even caring if you'll take care of it. I know you would, but my mind is so toxic that I might like it more if you hurt me.
“I finish my classes at 2 tomorrow. Want to hang out?”
I've been staring at his message for hours as if it were the first time he ever asked me to hang out…truly pathetic. He is a man! Just a man! You can do it, Azuma! Just say that stupid “yes” and pretend like you don't want to just kiss him when he looks at you and smiles…smiles so wholeheartedly that you blush like a teenager because he is so fucking cute.
“Seriously…? It's just Taira.” The sigh that escaped my mouth was more of a “Why-do-you-always-say-it's-just-Taira-and-then-act-totally-fine-with-your-feelings-for-him-and-say-you-are-happy-to-just-have-him-as-a-friend-and-then-hide-your-head-under-your-pillow-at-home-being-miserable-at-the-thought-of-liking-him?” type of sigh.
GO.TO.SLEEP.AZUMA.
“Yes! I finish my classes at 12, so I'll go home for a bit and then meet you in front of your uni ;) Fell asleep last night, sorry.”
I'm a liar, a deceiver! Well…whatever! To university I go; it's only 8 in the morning, and I'm not sleepy at all. I have a very normal sleep schedule.
Coffee. I need coffee.
---
“You look awful. What happened?”
“Wow, you really know the way to a woman's heart, Taira. Tell me I'm stupid as well, and I might jump into your arms.”
“I didn't mean it like that, and you know that…” He sighs and then looks at me, furrowing his brow. “I hope you are not letting men disrespect you like that and then jump into their arms.”
“Pfff…where are we? High school?” I say to him, which makes him look towards me with a very worried look, making me laugh. He's cute. “I can't stand looking at you with that smug face.” My voice is so serious that if it weren't him, someone else would really think that I hate them.
“You're teasing me...”
“Who? Me? Anyways~ How was uni? Oh, you studious man?”
“You are still teasing me! Ugh, it was fine; I had a really hard presentation, but I passed. At least I like to believe I did.” He says, smiling amusedly. “What about you?”
“I almost fell asleep, and I think I drank like two coffees and one energy drink, but somehow I'm even more sleepy.” I don't even get the chance to finish my sentence; Taira is already sliding my cup of coffee away from me.
“Don't you dare give me the 'beggar' eyes; you've had enough.” But my eyes get bigger, my mouth drops into a very sad frown, and my hands extend towards him, begging for a second chance. “No… I'll close my eyes. Go away!”
“But…but, hear me out, I am just a girl that needs her caffeine; how can you deprive me of happiness?” He sighs and, unexpectedly, takes my hands into his, which makes me blush like a tomato, probably, and drop the “beggar act.”
“Seriously, Azu, your heart is going to explode if you don't stop.”
“My heart is already exploding, and it's not the caffeine.”
Wait…what did I just say???
“Are you feeling ill? You do look a bit faint…”
My God… I almost slipped up and basically told him that he makes my heart explode…does he think I'm insane? He probably does. What am I supposed to say now? How do I act NORMAL? Say somethingggggggg.
“Azuma?”
“Yo… I'm good, bro, no worries, haha…” Ok, Azuma, maybe don't say that.
“You are acting weirder than usual; are you sure you're okay?”
How do I yell “I love you” loud enough so you can hear it? Am I brave enough to just blurt it out? What would you say? What kind of face would you make?
“I… I am okay. Genuinely, Taira.” I have no idea if my smile betrays the feeling of needles in my heart when I want you so bad, but it doesn't seem like you want me too.
But it's just another day when we end up talking for four hours straight about the smallest things, and maybe I still get butterflies when I look at you, and maybe I am an immense girl failure, but is it okay for me to still like this time with you?
I become so selfish when I think of you as my crush, but I do know that, despite all, you are still my best friend. I can't lie, I wish we were more than that, but I would rather suffer in six different timelines being your friend than not have you at all. My mind truly is a contradictory mess.
“Did it actually rain that much while we were talking?” He says, stopping abruptly in front of the exit door, which makes me hit my head on his back.
“Ouch…huh? What happened?” I poke out my head to look outside over his back while holding onto his jacket. “I didn't even notice the rain…damn it, and I took my good shoes…” The entire street was literally drowning in rain; you could not walk without soaking your entire feet.
“Your apartment is pretty close, right?”
“I guess.” I say, sighing, prepared to ruin my shoes and contemplating if I should just walk barefoot.
“Here, come,” he says, pointing to his back and descending so he can be at my height. “I'll carry you.”
“W-What? It's okay!!! I can walk!!!”
“Just hop on my back and shut up.”
Yes, sir! I almost say that to his face, but thank the heavens that I catch myself before embarrassing myself. Well…if my crush is offering me a ride on him…who am I to deny it?
AZUMA SHINO. That sounded TOTALLY wrong.
“Thanks…but what if someone sees us?” I know he cares about what other people think of him. Even though he has improved since high school, I really don't want him overthinking just so he can protect my peace. But any worry I have is immediately wiped away by him; his denim jacket is now on top of my head and shoulders. He really is a gentleman sometimes.
“I doubt anyone is on the street right now anyway…” He says, and I jump onto his back, wrapping my hands around his neck, sliding the jacket better so it doesn't fall. “Is it uncomfortable for you?” He gently lifts me up even higher so I can sit better, but he is very considerate of where his hands go. I can't lie…this feels so much nicer than I wish it did. I wonder if he can hear just how rapidly my heart beats when I am so close to him.
“No, I am totally fine.” I respond, and he steps out; the rain has mostly stopped, but there are still some drops falling. The worst part is the street is completely flooded, but it looks like he doesn't care; he just holds me and steps into the big puddles just so I don't ruin my shoes. “Just be honest, you really wanted to show me that you are very well built without sounding like a narcissist…”
“You know I can still drop you directly into a puddle, right?”
“You wouldn't dare.”
“Make me,” he says, and we both start laughing like idiots; this moment reminds me of a dear memory from high school when we ran together through the rain. Were things easier then just because I was unaware of my feelings for him? I know we've both grown in our own way, but I can never outgrow my love for him; it just feels like I fall more and more in love with him every day.
“Thank you, Ra~” My arms wrap tighter around his neck, and his hands hold tight onto my legs. I wonder if people look at us right now and wonder if we love each other.
“Oi, don't just use half of my name…”
“Eh?~ My apologies, mister Taira Shuji~”
“You really love teasing me.”
“I do.”
“Don't just admit it…”
“I don't.”
“Now that's just a blatant lie.”
“Wow, you are really indecisive,” I say teasingly, and he just sighs.
I really wish I could just blurt it out, Taira; I really do. But is my love really what you need right now, or am I just selfishly demanding you?
“Thanks for the ride, 4.5/5 rating!” I say, and he frowns at me.
“Oh, Your Majesty…” He rolls his eyes. “What could I have done for 5 stars?”
“Kind of a bumpy ride; next time maybe offer me something to eat and walk better~”
“There is not going to be a next time!”
“4 stars. Not reliable.”
“Wow, Azuma, you are a harsh critic for someone whose feet are NOT soaked.”
“Haha…you're so funny when you're annoyed.” I laugh at him, but he smiles so sweetly at me. “Well…thank you for bringing me home. I'm sorry for your feet.” I'm nervous; I'm fidgeting with my fingers, looking at him. “Oh, yeah! Here's your jacket,” I say, holding out the jacket for him, but he is looking so intently at me, not even moving. “What? Do I have something on my fa—”
My sentence is cut short by his lips over mine. WAIT…WHAT??? Is he actually kissing me right now?!
“Umm…” I don't even know what I'm trying to say, but my mouth is muffled because I am NOT dreaming; he is actually kissing me. What do I do?! Girl, kiss him back! I can't move; I'm too in shock.
“I-I'm sorry…” He breaks the kiss, burying his very red face in his hand. “I'm so sorry… I don't know what happened! I really didn't mean to…please forget this happened! I'm such an idiot…”
My mouth is probably open in shock, and I feel myself turning into a very red tomato. I fear that my blood is actually boiling; he almost killed me! My hand goes subconsciously to my lips that are burning; I still can't believe this happened! But if I don't say anything, he is going to think I didn't like that when I very much enjoyed it.
Come on, Azuma, just do it! I feel my arms acting before I can actually think what to do; they are immediately on his cheeks, pulling him down towards me, and my lips are now over his. I am actually kissing him!!! My eyes close because I can't even dare look his way anymore; I just cling onto him, kissing him as hard as I can, and he doesn't pull away; he reciprocates the kiss. What started as an unsure kiss turned into a very needy kiss; I just needed him, and it felt like he needed me. Our bodies are pressed together, and I swear that my mind went absolutely blank; I didn't even give a fuck if anyone was passing through; I just wanted to kiss him.
When we start to slowly pull apart, both of our faces are so red that you would think we would explode, which…is not far from the truth. We look into each other's eyes, half questioning what the fuck just happened and half just being absolutely in love.
“I'm…sorry?” He says, breaking the ice, and all I can reciprocate is a very squeaky growl.
“Don't kiss me and apologize, you stupid idiot!”
“Sorry… I mean, thank you??? Ugh…this is so embarrassing…”
“Thank you?! Taira…you are so annoying, oh my God.” I say, and I start hitting his chest, being way too smitten with him after the kiss. “Say something…better!”
“I… I like you, Azuma.”
“How can you be so direct?!”
“Huh…? I don't know what else to say!” He takes a breath of air into his lungs and then exhales, holding my hands tight in his, looking directly at me. “I've thought about this since we were in high school, you know. I wasn't really in the right mindspace back then, and I'm not saying that I am perfect now, and like…it's totally fine if I misread our relationship, but I thought that maybe…you would want to try dating? Just to see if it's for us and if it's like a total failure, we could just pretend it never happened. I was so scared of starting something new with you because I really don't want to fuck up our friendship, and I'm scared that if we start something, it's going to eventually end and I'm going to lose you; I really don't want to lose you, Azuma, but I can't get you out of my head, even when you are not with me. I feel so lonely without you, and I'm not sure what it means, but I know that it's more than what we have now. And I just couldn't control myself, which is low-key scary as fuck—that I can't think when you are near me…but if you want to give it a chance, I am ready to risk it all just to be with you.”
“You stupid, stupid man…” I don't know why, but I've immediately started bawling in front of him. “I've liked you for so long, I've contradicted myself so many times… I can't believe you also like me…”
He looked at me as if his entire world were crumbling just because I was crying; his soft and warm hands immediately wiped my tears away, and he just hugged me for a long time, and, in that moment, I knew; he really likes me back, he really is my soulmate, and love really works in very peculiar, fucked-up ways. His arms are exactly where I always want them to be, and all that overthinking? All obstacles, all “what ifs”? Straight out the window.
I thought I had to yell “I love you” so you could hear me; it turns out that you were already yelling it all this time. All the times you worried for me, all the times you smiled sincerely at me, all the time we spent together…you were worrying as much as I was. And now? Break my heart if it's what I have to pay to have you kiss me again.