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It started when he broke his back. Ryland had called nonstop for two weeks until Colt finally got sick of it. He screamed at him over the phone. He told him never to call him again. He always felt like Ryland was always trying to fix him somehow. It felt like he never approved of what he did. He thought he was too flippant with his life. Colt regretted saying those things to him.
Three months into Colt cutting everyone out Ryland showed up at his doorstep. There was a lot of yelling in his apartment that night.
Words were said. None of them nice. Ryland was worried, rightfully so. His brother had quit the job he loved and was working as a valet. And by the looks of things he hadn’t been taking care of himself. Colt didn’t care. It was his life, and who was Ryland to tell him what he needed to do to fix it? He was a disgraced scientist and now he taught middle school science.
Ryland stormed out after that.
When the sun started dimming he thought about calling Colt. Just to see if he was ok. Maybe tell him about the project he was on. He chose not to.
.
He sat on the roof of some government building. He didn’t know which, he just ran. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. Even if Colt was mad at him he couldn’t do that to him. They could find someone else. They HAD to find someone else.
He dialed.
He needed to hear someone familiar. Even if all Colt did was yell at him he just needed to hear his twin's voice. He needed them to know he had someone.
It went to voicemail.
Tears stung his eyes as he redialed. “Christ Colt. You gotta tell them I’m not alone here.”
He made a noise deep in his throat.
Voicemail.
.
He saw his phone light up. A picture of Ryland across his screen as his phone buzzed. The stunt crew worked around him, attaching pulleys to his jacket.
He silenced it.
It lit up again. He handed his phone to a TA.
An hour later he had four voicemails and seven missed calls.
.
Colt sat on his couch, Jody snuggled up next to him and Jean-Claud tucked into an armchair. He wasn’t really watching, mostly half asleep while the news played. Just the usual depressing shit. Murders, politics, updates on the sun.
The tv droned on as he closed his eyes. But something snapped him to attention.
“After the tragic explosion yesterday at the launch site for the Petrova task force; where two astronauts fatefully lost their lives. The project's head administrator Miss Eva Stratt has come forward with a statement concerning the replacement of those two scientists for the upcoming launch of the Hail Mary. Miss Stratt states that in their place Dr. Ryland Grace, the number one leading scientist on astrophage, will be stepping in as lead scientist for this mission. We bring you now to-“ Colts ears rung.
On the screen was a picture of his brother. His little brother was going to space. And he wasn’t coming back.
Jody looked up at him concerned. Before she could start asking questions Colt was already up and heading for the kitchen where he’d left his phone. Jean-Claud whimpered from his place on the armchair.
Four voicemails. Ryland had left him four voicemails. He played the first.
“Hey Colt. Listen I know you probably don’t want to speak to me but-…I really need you to pick up..please Colt. End of message.” Ryland sounded like he’d been crying. He sounded desperate. Colt didn’t think he’d ever heard his brother sound like that before.
He hit play on the second. “Colt please. I know I said some things I shouldn’t have and you did too but I- I’m sorry please. Just answer the phone.”
Jody put her hand on his shoulder. He could feel his throat getting tight as he played the third.
It started with a sob. “Ok fine. You don’t have to answer, just listen……I have this choice. And I don’t know what to do.” It was silent for a few seconds. “But I don’t want to die, Colt. And they’re asking me.” Colt could hear his brother's breathing get heavier on the recording. “They’re asking me to die for them…for everybody. And I can’t. I can’t do it. I have a whole life. My classroom, you, even if you don’t want to speak to me right now…..just call me back. Please.”
His thumb hovered over the last voicemail.
Click
“-Olt Colt! Please, you can’t!” There was so much shuffling on the other line he could barely hear anything. But he could hear Ryland. “You’re murdering me! You’re mur-“ the voicemail ended.
He stood in stunned silence.
He didn’t realize he was crying until Jody wiped a tear from his cheek.
He felt like he was going to pass out. His hands shook as he tapped Rylands contact and hit dial.
It rang.
And rang.
And then it went to voicemail.
The next five calls went to voicemail too. Until it said his number was out of service.
He didn’t say a word as he grabbed his keys. Looking up where this rocket was launching as he walked out the door.
He paused outside the door of his apartment. Jody grabbed his arm.
“Colt?”
“…he’s in Kazakhstan.” It sounded like he was on the verge of collapse. His brother was seven thousand miles away. Alone. And unreachable.
“We’ll book a flight. We’re gonna get him. Ok?” She tried to reassure him. Bring some hope back into his face. But he just nodded.
He felt like he was dreaming. Like he’d wake up and Ryland would be there.
He barely registered arriving at the airport. Barely heard what Jody said to her travel agent over the phone. All he did was look at his phone. At every article with Ryland in it. He hadn’t even known he was on this project. He wasn’t just on the team either. He was second in command.
He turned over the voicemails in his head over and over. He sounded scared. The last one really stuck out to him. His brother definitely hadn’t volunteered for this. He knew his brother. He knew what he sounded like when he was scared. He’d never heard his brother sound so terrified.
That was the thought that snapped him out of his catatonic state. His brother didn’t want to be on this mission that was for damn sure. And he wouldn’t be if Colt had anything to say about it.
Jody was on the phone for what felt like hours before she finally secured a flight. They had no luggage in their rush and they weren’t about to go back for it.
He was antsy the whole flight. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Ryland hated flying. Always had since they were kids. They took a vacation when they were kids down to Florida. Ryland had cried almost the whole plane ride until he tired himself out.
.
When they landed Colt was sufficiently exhausted. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of buzzing under his skin. A million cicadas waking up for spring.
By the time they made their connection flight to Kyzylorda bags were forming under his eyes. Jody made him sleep the rest of the way.
.
He was so close. The closest he’d been to his brother in a while. Only three hours. He was checking his phone every ten minutes for any sort of update. It was launch day. Colt wasn’t religious. But he prayed.
.
Colt had basically busted through the gates of the facility. Security was chasing behind him but he wasn’t about to stop. His brother was right there.
He could see the rocket. He could see the tomb his brother was being dragged onto. The cold prickled his skin and his lungs burned. And then he was on the grass. His back protested and his head swam as a knee pressed into his shoulder blades. Screaming in a language he couldn’t understand.
The sounds of security guards and soldiers were deafened by a noise so loud Colt swore he lost hearing.
Fire splayed out from the engines roaring in front of him.
The gust of wind that followed made him scream.
He clawed at the earth beneath him trying to escape from the men restraining him. He had to save him. He was supposed to save him.
“Ryland!” He didn’t know if sound even came out of his mouth when he screamed.
And as the rocket rose into the atmosphere he could feel a piece of himself leaving with it.
He stopped fighting the people dragging him.
.
Grace sat on the floor of the storage bay. Rocky sat nearby making an ungodly amount of chain for their batshit crazy idea. He needed to organize things desperately. He’d gotten lazy and Rocky had been very vocal about it.
He still had all the packs from the crew, minus their personal belongings; which he’d buried with them. He hadn’t gone through his own very thoroughly. Just grabbing shirts from the top when he needed to.
He doubted there was anything in there besides clothes.
There wasn’t for the most part. A few books he guessed were from his personal collection and a few photos. He smiled at the few photos he’d been given. Probably picked out by Carl.
The first one was of him and the crew. It was karaoke night if he remembered correctly. He had on a hat with the Hail Mary embroidered onto it. He didn’t know where that hat was. No one had packed it for him. Not a lot of reasons for a baseball cap in space he guessed.
The second was a selfie he’d taken. It looked like the first day of school. All his students in the background making silly faces and trying to push each other out of frame. He chuckled.
“What is Grace looking at, question?”
“Just some old pictures Rock.” He wiped a tear from his eye.
“Pictures of earth, question? Me want see, me want see!” He excitedly hopped up and rolled next to where Grace sat.
He aimed his little device toward the pictures. “This Grace and small humans, question?”
“Yeah, I used to teach back on earth.” He smiled. He didn’t remember a lot of their names but he could still remember a few.
“And this Grace and two humans.”
“That was my crew. The ones I came here with.”
“Amaze, amaze! What this picture, question?” He pointed a claw-like finger towards a picture peeking out from the others.
It looked like just a picture of Grace. He didn’t have his glasses on though. And he was posed next to a motorcycle. Grace didn’t remember owning a motorcycle.
He’d forgotten a lot about his life. Peacing it together again had taken weeks if not months.
But something in his gut told him this wasn’t a picture of him. Something that made his stomach churn, and tears prick his eyes.
“Grace leaking again. Why, question?”
‘You have no immediate family. You don’t even have a dog.’
He could hear Stratt in his memory clear as the day she said it to him. But she was wrong, wasn’t she? He did have someone. But the memories jumbled and he pinched his eyes closed.
He blinked a few times and looked at the picture again.
Colt.
His name was Colt. His brother. His twin brother. And then the tears started flowing down.
“Grace leaking more, question?! Is just picture of Grace and strange bench, question?!” Rocky sounding increasingly more panicked at Grace's display.
He let out a hollow laugh and wiped his eyes. “No Rock. That’s not me.” He was silent for a moment.
“Look like Grace but is not Grace?”
“That. Is my twin brother Colt.”
“Rocky not understand word.”
“Twin? It means we look the same and were born really close together.”
“So is not Grace is Grace brother Colt. But look like Grace, question?”
He nodded. “Yeah bud.”
Carl probably put it in thinking it was Grace. Maybe to give him a window of who he used to be. But all he saw looking back at him was someone he hadn’t spoken to in over a year. Someone he wished he’d been able to say goodbye to. Apologize to. A part of himself he’ll never get back.
.
It was two days before someone finally fished him out of the military grade prison cell they'd dumped him in. Jody had tried her hardest to bail him out but apparently this was the UN’s territory and she had no leeway.
They let him out but they didn’t let him leave either. Shoving him into a black Chevy suburban without a word.
And now he sat in an office alone.
He hadn’t slept much in his time in the cell. Hadn’t slept much since he saw Ryland on the news for that matter.
He paced the room for a few minutes until his eyes started to scan the desk in front of him. Try and gauge who he was about to speak with. There was almost nothing of note. Just papers and a computer. No photos or trinkets. No scratch that, there was one trinket. A little crochet hackysak of earth.
He picked it up, turning it over in his fingers.
This was Rylands. He’d kept on him since college. He’d been hit in the back of the head with it enough times to remember. This is all he had left wasn’t it?
The door swung open and a red headed woman stared at him like she’d seen a ghost. And maybe she had. If she had his things it stood to reason she was responsible for this.
“Who are you?” Her voice was calm and straight to the point but Colt could tell his presence rattled her.
He restrained the urge to punch her in the face. His jaw tensed. “Colt Seevers. I’m Ryland Grace's twin brother.”
She clicked her tongue. She crossed the room sitting down in her chair. “We were under the impression that you had passed away Mr. Seevers.”
He stayed standing clutching the hackysak in his hand. “Well I didn’t.” He spit back.
He heard an audible sigh come from the woman.
“I take it you’re here to discuss your brother's recent departure?”
“I don’t know, am I?”
“Yes, well. You’ll have to understand the circumstances we were-“
Colt interrupted her. “Circumstances?! You sent my only living family into space to die!”
“Yes but Mr. Seevers he volunteered knowing the dange-“
“No the fuck he didn’t! No the fuck he didn’t! My brother would never volunteer for a suicide mission willingly and I think we both know that!” The men guarding the door put their hands on what he assumed from this angle were guns. Stratt settled them before continuing.
“I can see you’re upset-“
“Upset!? My brother is never coming home because what? You couldn’t find an actual astronaut?! Did you know he hates flying? Even being in an airport gives him heartburn and you sent him out of the goddamn galaxy?!”
The room was silent for a while. No one dared to speak up. Stratt was surprised at how different Colt was to Ryland. Grace never cursed. Not even when he was upset. Not even when they sedated him. But Colt? He had an anger in him that Stratt could tell she was fueling.
Stratt pulled a box from under her desk and handed it to one of the men by the door. She said something to him in a language that might have been Russian.
“Mr. Seevers all charges will be dropped and a flight has been booked-“
“No, no you can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“- I have a car waiting outside that will take you and your girlfriend to the airport. If you’ll excuse me.”
He lunged at her with the force of a man who’d lost everything. The men surrounded him in droves pinning him to the wall as she walked free.
.
He spent the car ride in handcuffs as Jody sat uncomfortably beside him holding a box. He didn’t speak for almost the entire trip back home. Almost twenty-four hours of silence. Clutching the plush earth in his hands.
The box sat on their kitchen counter for almost two weeks before Colt had the resolve to open it. Most of his time had been spent overworking himself and calling lawyer after lawyer. And listening to those voicemails over and over till he couldn’t anymore.
He stared at the box like it owed him money. In some ways it owed him something.
He ripped the tape from the seam and opened the cardboard flaps. He had to look away to keep from immediately breaking down.
At the top was a hat embroidered with a spaceship and the words ‘Project Hail Mary’. This had probably been Rylands. Everything in this box was probably Rylands.
Under the hat were a pair of cracked wire-rimmed square glasses. He huffed a half chuckle, remembering how he could never wear them properly. Their mom would get onto him about it constantly telling him he was gonna break them if he kept doing that.
A few of his shirts. The stupid one’s Colt always made fun of him for wearing unironically.
A raincoat, a beanie, a nametag, keys, and his phone. All he had left of his brother. All he had to remember him by.
.
Before Grace sent out the Beetles he had one more message to record. He didn’t know if Stratt would get it to him. But he had to try. He asked Rocky for alone time. Something he didn’t have a great grasp on but he could tell this was important to his friend.
The monitor beeped to life as it started to record.
“This message is for my brother Colt.” He cleared his throat.
“First I want to say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything I said to you. I’m sorry I walked out. I’m sorry for-“
“I’m sorry for leaving.”
He paused every few words trying to collect himself.
“I hope that you’re doing well. I know last time we spoke you were. A little down on your luck.” He laughed with a humorless edge.
“I hope you got back into movies. I wish I could be with you to see them.”
“Do you remember when you brought me to one of your premieres, and every time a stunt happened on screen I would yell ‘that’s my brother!’ They said you couldn’t bring me anymore.” He smiled recounting the memory.
“I think I’m officially more than two minutes younger than you.” He gestured to himself. “A lot of science you wouldn’t understand.”
“I’m headed to a new planet so there’s probably lots of things to name, maybe I’ll name something after you.” He paused looking at the screen. He didn’t know what else to say.
“It wasn’t your fault ... .I just need you to know that. You’ve probably been blaming yourself all these years. But I’m telling you now. Stop. It wasn’t your fault I’m here. And it’s not your fault I’m not coming home.” He cleared a knot forming in his throat.
“I’m still here Colt. You look up and I’m somewhere in there. I’m far away but… I’m here….. I’ll probably outlive you at this point.” He smiled
“Love you Colt…. Captain Dr. Ryland Grace, signing off.”
.
The set bustled around him as he watched. He looked the same. Colt was older. Gray mottled his hair. But Ryland? He looked like he’d just left his porch.
He wondered what Ryland would say about the movie he was in. He’d probably think it was the coolest thing he’d ever seen. I guess now he’s already lived it. So maybe he wouldn’t.
Project Hail Mary: a documentary.