Chapter Text
Komaeda was no stranger to risks- nearly every choice he made had the potential for either great luck or intense misfortune. The only variable was the intensity. He was used to uncertainty, but that didn’t mean he enjoyed it or was comfortable with it. As often as possible, he avoided taking risks- they tended to end badly, and even if they somehow didn’t, the possibility stressed him out. Unfortunately for himself, he still took risks once in a while.
“A party?”
Hinata stood across from him, school bag hanging from one shoulder and a look of surprise and suspicion on his face. Komaeda had sought him out after classes had ended for the day, and when the other boy hadn’t immediately fled upon Komaeda asking if he would do him a favor, he’d made his request before he could talk himself out of it. How would this risk turn out?
“More of a soiree, really,” Komaeda nodded, grimacing, “but yes.”
“What’s the difference?” Hinata’s dubious expression only grew more confused.
“That’s the part you’re hung up on?” After all the time it had taken Komaeda to work up the nerve to make the decision to ask Hinata, and the effort that actually voicing that request had involved, this was his response? Unbelievable.
The other boy scratched the back of his neck. “I mean, I thought they’re kind of the same thing, aren’t they?”
Ugh. It took a concerted effort to bite back a sharp response- even then, Komaeda’s tone was clipped when he responded. “Well, to be as clear as possible, a party is a broad term that can cover a lot of different gatherings, but usually-”
“Komaeda.”
“All right, all right. A soiree is an elegant event, usually held in the evenings with-”
“Komaeda.” Hinata’s expression was souring further with every word.
“You asked.” Childishly, Komaeda felt little remorse.
Hinata pinched the bridge of his nose as though the conversation was physically paining him. “Forget it. Just- start over, would you?”
“Fine.” Komaeda put on a fresh smile, as though the conversation had only just begun. “Hinata-kun, are you free next Saturday evening?”
“It depends- why?” The suspicion and distrust was palpable in Hinata’s tone. He already knew what Komaeda was going to ask, so why did he still sound so guarded?
Gosh, this had been a horrible idea. Komaeda had spent hours agonizing over the decision of whether or not to ask anybody to accompany him to the annual event, and hours further debating on whether or not he should dare to ask Hinata. All that back and forth with himself, with his therapist, and with Nanami had finally pushed him to make this choice, and this was the result. The mere notion of attending any kind of event- let alone a social one- with Komaeda had Hinata looking repulsed and disquieted. He should have seen this coming. How had he deluded himself into thinking this would go well?
“Actually, you know what, on second thought I-”
“Komaeda!” Hinata snapped, scowling.
Though he already knew how the rest of the conversation was going to play out, Komaeda still figured he had to reply. “There’s a party I’m attending and I was hoping you’d accompany me.” He stated for the second time that afternoon.
He could practically see the gears turning in Hinata’s head- he was no doubt trying to figure out whether Komaeda was serious or not. He could see him thinking through the resulting scenario- of having to spend an entire evening somewhere stuck with him, associated with him, dealing with him. Komaeda couldn’t blame him for the disgust, honestly. He would feel the same way in Hinata’s shoes. He just wished that he’d tell him no and let him move on with the rest of his miserable day.
Instead, Hinata asked a question. “What kind of parties do you go to?” He seemed to be weighing his options now, likely trying to determine just how awful it would be.
“Not ones where I have any choice in the matter.” Komaeda felt a flash of irritation when he noticed Hinata clearly trying to suppress a smirk. Was he considering going along just to see what kind of entertaining misfortunes might befall Komaeda? Komaeda hadn’t known Hinata to be particularly vindictive on the whole, but this was about him, wasn’t it? Years of catty back and forth at each other had no doubt built up a lingering well of resentment within him- watching something bad happen to Komaeda would be cathartic for him, wouldn’t it? What else could it be?
“You know,” Komaeda started, “this is actually making me realise what a hopeless-” He didn’t finish his attempted deflection, falling quiet at the withering glare Hinata shot at him.
“Can we have just one conversation without you insulting yourself or making things depressing?” Hinata grumbled sourly.
Komaeda blinked. “Are you asking rhetorically, or…?” Surely Hinata knew that answer as well as he did.
“Party. What. Why.” Hinata ground out.
Komaeda couldn’t help himself from correcting him. “Soi-”
“If you say ‘soiree’ again I’m actually going to leave.” Hinata snapped.
That quieted Komaeda- it wasn’t the threat of leaving that silenced him, but the implication that he would otherwise stay to hear him out. Was Hinata actually going to consider this? Komaeda had been preparing to hear a hard no and a demand to leave him alone, but that didn’t seem to be what Hinata was winding up to say. It couldn’t be anything positive, though. He didn’t dare get his hopes up.
“What is it, why are you going, and why ask me?” The brown-haired boy spoke curtly. He didn’t leave.
Komaeda took a deep breath, crossing his arms. “Well, I’m going because I have every year. It's always held at... well, you wouldn't know the place, so nevermind that for now. It's something my parents used to attend. I've been going in their stead since I was twelve.” A small look of confusion crossed Hinata's face, so Komaeda answered the question before it could be asked. “Nobody wants children at an adults' gathering- I was able to avoid going for a few years, but once I was old enough to only be a nuisance because I was me and not because I was a kid, I had to go.”
“Wait, who’s making you go if…” Hinata trailed off, clearly trying to tiptoe around Komaeda’s lack of family.
“If my parents are dead and I have no relatives to force me to go?” Komaeda filled in bluntly. This fact wasn’t new to Hinata, and it certainly wasn’t a fresh wound for Komaeda. Most of the ache had worn off a long time ago. “Social pressure, mostly. A few of my parents' old friends keep insisting on my continued attendance to things like this, but I've managed to pare it down to once a year.”
Only once a year had been a struggle to achieve- while he was in the process of trying to extricate himself from as many social obligations as possible, the questioning at the remaining gatherings had been brutal. There had been all kinds of probing questions thinly veiled as concern- a deluge of ‘I didn’t see you at the last party’ and ‘so good to see you’re finally feeling well enough to make time for us all’ and all manner of jibes about his erratic and unwelcome attendance. At long last, though, he’d dodged going enough that his absence was expected, not an oddity. The only oddity left was himself as a person.
Hinata still seemed dubious, so Komaeda signed. “I know this is a little above your social strata, but there are some things where, if you're of a certain pedigree, you have to maintain a presence whether you want to be there or not.” And he really, really didn’t want to be there.
Hinata’s confused expression morphed to indignation as he scowled. “Insulting someone isn't a great way to get them to agree to do you a favor, you know!”
“I'm just trying to explain it!” Komaeda exclaimed, exasperated. How could he make this kind of obligation clearer? “I know it sounds stupid from the outside. But it's like…” He paused, searching for a comparison. What was a comparison that Hinata would understand? “It's like how Nevermind-san ‘needs’ to show up to events- she doesn't need to on paper or anything, but if she doesn't, it'll look bad, right?”
“I… guess, yeah.” Hinata still didn’t look convinced, but the confusion was at least seemingly abating. “Your family’s like that?”
They had been, back when the Komaeda family name had been something respectable. Now he was its final bearer. Him, in all his graceless and detestable glory. “My family has been in those kinds of circles for a few generations before me- between the life insurance, the lottery, and the stock market, I didn’t exactly drop out of that league. Pretty much the opposite, unluckily for me.” If his family hadn’t been well off, then maybe he would have been able to drop away into obscurity in some orphanage and never have to endure things like this. Maybe his luck would never have even targeted his parents at all. Maybe, with no upside to taking them out, his luck would have just gone after him from the start.
A guy could dream, right?
Hinata mulled that over for a few moments, taking in the new information about Komaeda’s family. “... Oh.”
When no further response came after several seconds of waiting, Komaeda rolled his eyes. “Eloquent as always, Hinata-kun.” He knew that he wasn’t exactly a paragon of social grace in any sense of the word, but even he had expected a little more than a one-word response. Times like these made him question his fondness for Hinata.
The dig snapped Hinata back to earth and put a scowl on his face. “Again with insulting someone you’re asking a favor from.”
“Say something intelligent, then.” Komaeda challenged.
“You’re a jackass.”
What a thoughtful, insightful assessment. “Probably.”
“You shouldn’t sound so okay with that, what the hell?” For some reason, Hinata seemed more perturbed at Komaeda’s lack of reaction than he had at the earlier jab.
Komaeda decided not to answer that, moving on instead. “Do you want answers to the other bit or not?”
Apparently he did, because Hinata quieted. Komaeda almost wished Hinata had kept talking, truthfully- the reasoning for asking Hinata in particular was a difficult one to articulate aloud. He had many reasons, but there were only a few he was keen on divulging to him. But he’d promised earlier that he would give him justification for his request, and so justify he would. Hopefully Hinata wouldn’t pry too deeply. “I've gone alone every year, obviously. I could pretty much just hover by the sidelines and wait for it to end when I was younger. Now that I’ve gotten older people have actually started speaking to me, which I’m sure is just as awful for them as it is for me.”
“Really, man?” Hinata shot him an exasperated look. He was consistent at least, Komaeda would give him that- Hinata got irate when Komaeda insulted him, and also when he insulted himself.
“Let me finish. It started off with a pretty neutral angle, but in the last year or two, the whole ‘all alone’ thing’s gotten a lot more negative. Less of the ‘good on you for making it this far alone’ and more of the ‘you’ve made it this far and you’re still all alone?’ tone. On one hand, an evening of backhanded compliments and subtle jabs is far from the worst thing I’ve had to endure. On the other hand, I’m getting pretty sick of it.”
“You, getting sick of being put down?” Hinata raised a brow, skeptical.
Okay, that was a fair hole to poke in the statement. “That, and people try to set me up with their daughters.” He admitted one of the other less-personal factors. “Which we all know isn’t going to happen for a whole host of reasons.” Honestly, he couldn’t understand why people still tried that- he didn’t go around proclaiming his preferences to everybody within earshot, but he was certainly out and not secretive about it. (A few people in recent times had tried setting him up with their sons- that was a new and amusing development. It still wasn’t going to happen, but it was at least plausible.)
“So you need to get people off your back about it all,” Hinata nodded in understanding. It very well might have been wishful thinking on Komaeda’s part, but he would have sworn he looked at least a little sympathetic as well.
“By not attending alone this year, yes.”
“That makes sense, but why ask me?” Hinata pushed.
This was the part Komaeda had been hoping to avoid going into detail on. “Because.”
“Because…?”
“Do I really need a reason?” Komaeda tried, shifting his weight. Maybe Hinata would drop it.
He didn’t. “If you’re not even going to tell me that, there’s no way I’m going.” He huffed, turning away.
Uh oh. “No, wait!” Before he could think better of it, Komaeda lurched forward to grab Hinata’s arm and stop him from leaving. A split second later he realized he’d overstepped, snatching his hands back. “Ah, I’m sorry,” he hastily apologized, hugging himself and cringing. Bad move. Now Hinata was surely disgusted. “I know you don’t want to be touched by trash li-”
“Oh my god, Komaeda! Cut that out!” Hinata cut him off with an exasperated groan, throwing his hands up. “We've been over this a hundred times! You're not a human version of the plague, or dirt on the side of the highway, or whatever you're gonna say. Shut up and keep that shit to yourself!”
They’d been over this plenty, that was true- once their initial tension with one another had faded to neutrality, Hinata had made many attempts to counter Komaeda’s negativity toward himself. While it was frustrating to keep returning to the same points neither of them were willing to cede, Hinata had yet to give up the fight. Komaeda hated him for that. At the same time, he liked him for it too. “This is me keeping most of it to myself.”
“That is so sad.” Hinata looked equal parts exasperated and perturbed.
“You’re not the first person to say that, and you probably won’t be the last!” Komaeda knew he was pathetic, of course. He knew on a logical level that self-hatred didn’t accomplish anything, but that didn’t stop it. Knowing how foolish it was only made things worse. He knew it was stupid, and knowingly doing a stupid thing and being unable to stop himself from doing it only further confirmed how worthless he was. What kind of- No, no, he couldn’t go off the deep end now. Hinata would leave. Hinata would turn around and leave, and honestly he should, because that was really the objectively right-
Trying to keep himself from spiraling completely, Komaeda continued talking, admitting to another factor in his decision. “But to answer your question, you're the only person I could think to ask.” If he kept meting out reasons one by one, perhaps Hinata would stop asking before it got too far.
“Seriously?” Miraculously, Hinata turned back to face him. “No one in your class or anything?”
That was the kind of thought only Hinata could have- Hinata, who people liked. Hinata, who people would do things for. Hinata, who had friends. “Any of the people kind enough to accept out of pity would be horrible in a refined environment.” Komaeda sighed.
“Like?”
Two seconds of thought would have answered that question faster than Komaeda could have. “Mioda-san, for example.”
A look of mild horror crossed Hinata’s face briefly. “Oh god, you’re right.”
“Mmhm.” Mioda was a kind person, a girl with an open heart and the willingness to give anyone a chance. She was also unfortunately incredibly loud, had very few social graces, and was quite possibly one of the most visually conspicuous people he knew.
“Mitarai?” Hinata tried.
Another theoretically acceptable candidate, but… “He'd break down after four minutes, if he even managed to make it to the event through all his nerves.” Komaeda shook his head. Mitarai would never last in that sea of sharks.
“Ah shit, right. Nanami?”
“It’s in the evening.” Besides that, Nanami was already kinder to him than he deserved. He didn’t want to push the limits of her grace.
“Right, she’d fall asleep.” Hinata grimaced. “Koizumi?”
He was really reaching, wasn’t he? “I don't want to be berated the entire evening for ‘not acting enough like a man.” Komaeda uncrossed his arms so he could make air quotes with both hands. “I'm going to be fending off snide comments from outside, I don't need them from the inside, too. I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment.” He respected Koizumi greatly, both for her talent and her willpower, but being a male in her vicinity was an invitation for harsh criticism.
“... I guess.” Hinata seemed to understand the sentiments spoken and unsaid. “Why don’t you ask Sonia? It seems like she’d be perfect for this.”
To Komaeda, that would have been the most obvious choice of potential candidates- the fact that it took Hinata this long to consider the princess was odd. “That’s exactly why I don’t want to.” Komaeda shook his head, sighing. At Hinata’s questioning look, he continued. “She has to endure enough events like this already, I don't need to add anything more to her plate. Not to mention the fact that she shouldn’t tarnish her reputation by being seen alongside someone as lowly as me.”
“Okay, but then why me?” It seemed that Hinata was too worn down to bother addressing the self-deprecation this time. “I’ve got no experience with any of this either.”
Was Hinata trying to be dense on purpose? Was Komaeda really going to have to say the last reason aloud? There seemed to be no dawning light of understanding on the other boy’s face, unfortunately. It wasn’t something he had wanted to admit to him directly, but it was his most compelling reason, so it looked like he was going to have to.
“Is it that hard to believe I wanted to ask you?” Komaeda huffed. Hinata was clearly only thinking in terms of a few narrow parameters- he wasn’t considering all of them, such as plain old personal preference. “Right after you lecture me about thinking poorly of myself, you pull the same thing?”
“Thinking you've got no worth as a person is different than thinking you're not the best person for a task!” Hinata objected.
A task? Really? Komaeda felt an unexpected flare of frustration- Hinata snapped at him for talking down about himself one moment and then described being his date to a party as a task the next! The contradiction angered him more than the words themselves. There was a lot Komaeda admired about him, but boy could he be frustrating.
“I'm not asking you to perform a task, I'm asking you to be my date for a party!” Komaeda snapped, hands clenched at his sides. “Though if you're apparently viewing it as a chore, I guess that's my answer!” Why had he gone out on a limb and asked?
“I’m not-” Hinata started in a loud and frustrated voice, then cut himself off and took a deep breath. With what seemed to be no small effort, he continued in a calmer tone. “I’m not looking at it like a chore- I didn’t word that well.”
Talk about an understatement. “You really didn’t.”
This had been a mistake, a huge mistake. Komaeda thought things had been mellowing out between them lately. Heck, he'd even have dared to say they’d been friendly! Admittedly it wasn’t exactly a mellow friendship- they still prodded at each other frequently, but the malice had subsided. He thought it had been closer to friendly banter, but it looked like he’d misread things. God, he’d been stupid. Why had he assumed Hinata felt anything even remotely positive toward him? Why had he assumed his presence was anything other than an irritation to him? How had he managed to delude himself like this?
The seconds of silence dragged on like hours, and Komaeda’s distress only consumed him further. It was clear that he’d overestimated where they stood with one another, and had quite possibly managed to ruin the few fragments of goodwill that they had managed to establish. Why had he even asked? Why couldn’t Hinata just tell him no and get it over with? Was he trying to think of some diplomatic way to turn him down? He shouldn’t bother wasting the effort of looking for kind words, Komaeda didn’t deserve them anyway. He should-
A heavy sigh brought Komaeda out of his spiral, and when he focused on the boy in front of him again, Hinata held up both hands. “Sorry. But honestly, you're probably gonna have to deal with me shoving my foot in my mouth sometime during the evening, so you might wanna start mentally preparing for that.”
It took Komaeda a moment to register what Hinata had said, and the surprise caught him entirely off-guard. “What?” Even as the words echoed through the swirling fog of his thoughts, he still couldn’t believe them.
“Eloquent as always, Komaeda.” Hinata was smirking at him now.
The light jab cut through the remaining fog, grounding him firmly again. “What did you say?” He was sure that he wasn’t interpreting things correctly- he had to be mistaken. Despite that, he felt the faint warmth of hope growing in his chest.
“I said, I'm probably gonna say something dumb over the course of the evening, so I hope you’re prepared for that.” Hinata wore a little smile as he spoke, one that made the warmth within Komaeda glow brighter.
“So you’ll go with me?” Komaeda wasn’t sure when the situation had changed- he had been so certain that Hinata was going to rebuke him. He hadn’t known what kind of rejection to expect- harsh and disgusted, embarrassed and uncomfortable, or maybe even a gentle letdown- but rejection had been a foregone conclusion in his mind even before he’d asked.
Though almost choked out by the certainty of refusal, there had been one small sliver within himself that had dared to hope otherwise. Komaeda had clung to that tiny fragment of hope against his better judgment, throwing caution to the wind to take an action he was certain would end in failure. He’d placed his faith in the strength of hope, and the answer he received from the boy standing opposite him confirmed that the risk he’d taken had been worth it.
“I'll go with you.”