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The sunlight filters in deceptively softly, creating a gentle and inviting line across the opposing wall and over his door. Daeron almost wants to get up from his bed and touch it, to feel the warmth on his skin for just a moment, to let himself burn in that simple, purifying way. He doesn’t, he never does, he’s never brave enough for it. That’s why Uncle Ormund says he still is the way he is, still needing a room that never lets in more than a sliver of sunlight to sleep and blood to sate his hunger, why he’s still tainted and depraved despite all he’s already done to be otherwise, because he isn’t brave enough, isn’t strong enough to let himself truly be purified.
He’s done things that no vampire ever should to their kinfolk. He’s slaughtered many by his own hand and allowed more to be killed by his uncle. It was his duty to his family, as a Hightower, to continue on as a vampire hunter, even if he still bears the curse of his father. He’s not sure if he really believes that, if he believes any of the things that Ormund has taught him, but it’s been so long since he’s heard anything else, since he’s been presented with any other choice that it feels like a fact of the universe. Maybe it is. Maybe he is doing right when he kills the vampires he can’t help but feel are as much his family as his siblings, when he denies himself sustenance for the sake of repenting his nature, when he prays and prays and prays that he’ll be something else when he wakes up again.
He hates himself for being this way.
He hates himself for that very hatred.
He lays back down and attempts to go to sleep. He’ll need it tonight, Ormund wants him to go hunting again tonight, like last night and the night before and the night before, and this time, he needs a success, he needs to kill a vampire, four nights with nothing to eat would be too much and he knows that Uncle won’t allow a drop unless he actually completes his duty this time.
And he will. He must. He’s a good child, he cares about his house and his place in this world and his duty. He wants to live