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“Here you go, Haru!” Makoto said with a smile, closing his eyes and tilting his head in an effort to reassure Haru as he handed his friend a glass of champagne.
“Mm.”
Makoto hid his now strained smile behind his glass as he took a sip. He bit back a sigh as he watched Haru’s bored gaze sweep over the party, glass held in a tight grip in his hand- the only sign that betrayed his uncomfortableness.
He hadn’t really expected Haru to be thrilled at the idea of going to a New Year’s Eve party hosted by one of Makoto’s college classmates, but neither could afford to go back home to Iwatobi for their winter break that year, and if he hadn’t dragged Haru out with him Makoto was certain his friend would have rung in the new year in his bath tub. So really Makoto was saving Haru from most likely catching a cold as his first act in the new year.
He knew Haru wouldn’t see it that way though, clearly not thrilled with the noisy and packed surroundings. Makoto scanned the room until he saw something that made his eyes light up and his smile return.
“Haru, come with me.” Not waiting for a response, Makoto grabbed Haru’s wrist, pulling Haru behind him as he weaved through the crowd until he reached the balcony doors, heading out onto the small space with Haru in tow. Thankfully it was a surprisingly mild night, the temperature chill but not uncomfortably so. The door slid shut behind them, muffling the loud noise of the party to a dull background hum. Turning to look at Haru he immediately noticed the difference, his posture relaxed and features unstrained. “Better?” he asked with a knowing smile.
Haru merely blinked at him before looking away, moving to lean against the railing. Makoto grinned wider, understanding Haru’s silent thanks- and slight embarrassment- without needing words; just like most things between them. Makoto moved to join him, looking out over the brightly lit city.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it,” he said softly, smiling gently as he gazed over what had slowly become home over the past few years.
As much as Iwatobi would always be his first home, Makoto had spent much more time in Tokyo since moving there to go to college, and it felt almost as familiar to him now as the quiet shores of his hometown. He wondered if Haru felt similarly, glancing over to see his friend staring out into the night as well. He chuckled to himself; Haru could never feel at home without the ocean, he should know that.
“Are you going to stay?”
Makoto furrowed his brow in confusion at the sudden question, turning to face Haru fully. “What do you mean?”
Continuing to stare out over Tokyo, Haru answered. “After school is finished. Are you going to stay here?”
Makoto blinked in surprise for a few seconds before he could bring himself to answer. “I… don’t know yet. I mean, we still have another year to go, right? Plenty of time to figure things out.”
Haru hummed an acknowledgement of his words, but Makoto could tell he wasn’t satisfied with the answer.
“Well, what about you, Haru? What do you want to do?” He watched Haru carefully, noting the way the hand not holding the champagne glass clutched tightly to the railing.
“... I don’t know either,” Haru finally admitted, voice soft and barely heard over the din coming from inside. Makoto surmised it must be getting close to midnight based on the excited chatter filtering through the glass door. “I want to go home- to Iwatobi.”
“Hmm, I know how much you miss it. The ocean, your house.”
Haru continued on as if Makoto hadn’t spoken, expression pained as he seemed to stare out unseeing into the night. “I don’t want to be here anymore. Tokyo is too… much. But I can’t swim at the same level back home. I have to stay in a city.”
Makoto frowned, shifting closer to Haru and taking the champagne glass from his friend’s now shaking hand, placing it with his own on the ledge behind him. “There are other cities with good training centers. You could find one you like better-”
“They’re all the same,” Haru interrupted, voice becoming strained and filled with rare emotion. “Every time we go to a competition, they’re all like here. Crowded, noisy, dirty. I hate it.”
“Haru…” Makoto hated to see him like this. It hurt more than it should, to see his friend in pain, even if he didn’t understand it fully. But then again, Haru had always been more than just a friend in his mind, even if that was the only place it could be so. “Maybe you could live outside the city, in the suburbs. Commute to training? You’ll still have to go into the cities to swim, but-”
“Maybe I don’t want to.”
It was so soft Makoto almost missed the words. “What?”
“Maybe I don’t want to swim anymore.”
Makoto was rendered speechless as he stared at Haru, unsure what to do or say. He was suddenly back in high school, standing on an overlook and listening to his best friend tell him he had no dreams for the future. It had hurt, so much, hearing the things Haru said, about himself, about Makoto. It had broken his heart, to be honest. But then Haru had found a dream, something he wanted and he was okay again, wasn’t he? What had changed that?
“Swimming professionally… It’s not what I thought it would be,” Haru murmured, grip going slack and tight on the railing in turns. “It’s not like swimming in the relay with everyone. I don’t care about my teammates like that, I don’t want to swim for them. I don’t even want to swim for myself anymore.”
Makoto’s eyes went wide at that. How long had this been building? It was clear this wasn’t a new concern. How had he not seen this coming? A sick feeling settled in his gut; he was a terrible friend to not have noticed. “Haru…”
“All the things I hated about being on a swim team back in school- the land training, the weights, the diets- it’s all worse now. Everything is about times and technique.” Haru’s eyes shifted over to look at Makoto, finally, and the unshed tears shining in them made Makoto’s chest hurt. “I can’t feel the water anymore,” he whispered, and Makoto couldn’t take it any longer, reaching forward without a second thought and pulling Haru against his chest.
He was surprised when hands immediately clutched at his back, and the guilt tore at him deeper, knowing Haru would never show such emotion or need for affection if things weren’t deeply wrong. He held Haru against him tighter, trying to assure himself that as long as Haru was still there with him he could fix it; he had to.
“Haru… Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” he said gently, pulling back slightly so he could look at Haru’s face. As soon as he saw a mix of embarrassment and guilt there he hurried to continue. “You can always tell me anything, Haru. I’d never judge you, I hope you know that.” Makoto wasn’t sure what possessed him, but he found his hand brushing long black bangs from Haru’s eyes, losing himself in the deep blue staring back at him for a moment. “It’s alright if you don’t want to swim anymore. Or if you just don’t want to do it professionally.”
“But I decided. I made a commitment. And Rin-”
“This isn’t about Rin,” Makoto said, more sharply than he had meant. He took a deep breath before continuing. “Swimming on the world stage is Rin’s dream. It’s okay if it’s not yours too.”
A great weight seemed to leave Haru at that moment as he sagged in Makoto’s arms, but not in defeat- more relief. “You wouldn’t think less of me if I didn’t swim professionally? What about showing the world my swimming? Or helping motivate Rin?”
Makoto smiled, letting his hand cup Haru’s face- and blushing madly as he found himself unable to stop indulging in those actions that would just leave him feeling cold and empty later once Haru was gone. “I never pushed you to go pro back in high school, did I?” He waited a moment for Haru to shake his head, heartbeat racing when Haru leaned into his hand after. “You don’t have to show anyone how you swim; you should swim for you. And Rin is a grown man, he should be able to motivate himself by now. You can do whatever you want with your life, Haru. It’s your choice.” He tilted his head, looking down at Haru and for once not worrying about how much fondness he let show in his expression. “I just want Haru to be happy.”
Makoto could just make out the cries of the countdown starting from inside; he must have been outside with Haru longer than he thought. He made to move his head to look, but found his neck held in place and being tugged back down. “Haru?” he questioned, glancing down to see Haru’s hand moved up into his hair, holding him still.
“Are you happy?”
He stared at Haru in surprise. “What do you mean?”
Haru frowned, clearly annoyed he had to explain himself further. “With your life. Are you happy?”
Makoto locked gazes with determined blue, taking a moment to consider the question before deciding to answer honestly. “Mostly, yes.”
“And what would make you completely happy?”
Makoto didn’t have to think before answering that time. “You being happy.”
Haru’s eyes seemed to grow brighter, though how that was possible outside in the dim lighting Makoto wasn’t sure, though he didn’t have time to ponder that any further as suddenly cheers came from inside at the same moment warm lips pressed to his, and any thought outside of how perfect they felt disappeared.
The moment seemed to last forever, but in reality couldn’t have been too long as the celebration was still going on full force in the background when Haru pulled back, looking up at Makoto with half lidded eyes and red cheeks.
“Haru…?”
“Makoto makes me happy,” he said simply, hands curling around the back of Makoto’s neck. “I don’t know about swimming, but I know that. And that’s enough for now.”
Makoto was sure he had never smiled so wide in his life. “Haru will always be enough for me,” he whispered, placing a soft kiss to Haru’s forehead.
“Idiot,” Haru muttered, though Makoto could feel the heat radiating off his skin.
He was about to comment on it, and Haru must have read that in his eyes because he was suddenly yanked down again for another kiss; not that he minded.
As he kissed his best friend turned whatever they were now, Makoto felt lighter than he had in ages. He would help Haru figure out what he wanted, what his new dream should be, and it would probably be difficult and tiring. But that didn’t matter, as long as he could continue to make Haru happy; because that’s all he ever wanted.