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If Eddie was (almost) completely honest with himself, he hated the part of the day where he and Chris had to leave Buck's home to go back to their own. He especially hated the part where Theo latched onto him and didn't want to let go. Truthfully Eddie didn't want to let go of the boy who had very quickly wormed his way into Eddie's heart either. Leaving Buck and Theo, even if just for the night, felt like he was walking away from a good chunk of his heart and soul. His very being.
They were his family, too.
Not that he could ever allow himself to think too deeply about what that meant to him. Deep down. He couldn't do that. Not yet. He didn't even really know where to start with thinking about it.
Eddie and Chris had taken to spending more time at Buck's home with the man himself, and Theo, than they did at their home. And each time they had to leave it got harder. The desire to stay got stronger. And Eddie wasn't quite sure why they couldn't just stay, whilst also knowing that he couldn't. He just couldn't. Because he wasn't quite sure what he would do if they did stay the night. Not that he was particularly sure what that meant either.
All he really knew was that he loved their little family of four more than anything in the world, and he didn't want them to be separated for even a second, let alone a whole night, or even days if he and Buck were at work and their boys were being looked after by others.
Honestly Eddie thought he might be going more than a little insane. But he just couldn't help wanting to be with his family at all times. He couldn't help but to talk about Chris and Theo with Buck and the others at work more often than he did about anything else. He couldn't help but to plan things that he and Buck could take Chris and Theo to. Day trips, and he distantly hoped to take them on holidays, too. One day. Though he didn't really allow himself to think about that one day when the four of them (and perhaps a couple extra little ones) could go on holiday together. He couldn't allow himself to think of it really.
It was all a bit much. His mind and heart were feeling too much. But none of that really mattered when he was with them. When he was with them he could relax, he could be (almost) himself, he felt at home. He felt at peace. And he was with his favourite people. That was what mattered. He had all the time in the world to feel too much when he wasn't with them (or when he was with them because he was absolutely feeling too much, just very peacefully, when he was with them, too.)
Or whenever he watched Buck allowing himself to actually feel and be like a parent to Theo. Eddie knew that Buck had been another dad to Chris this whole time, but he also knew that Buck didn't allow himself to actually claim that title, even if Eddie and Chris wanted and would allow it. Watching him truly step into that title with Theo though was one of the most incredible, beautiful things in the world. And being able to step into that role for a second time, for himself, even if he too couldn't actually allow himself to openly claim that title, well, Eddie was more than ecstatic.
His heart still cracked some more, however, as Theo clung to him, his tiny arms around Eddie's neck, and begged him not to leave.
"Please, Eddie. Stay," Theo said into Eddie's neck, and Eddie swallowed down his emotions, wishing more than anything that he could.
But staying over at each other's houses just didn't feel like something he and Buck could do anymore. The air was too thick with too much of whatever was going on between them now to do so. They were best friends. They were. They always would be. But they were more than that too. Eddie just didn't know what type of more that was. And he didn't feel like he could question it.
Not because of Buck. Never because of Buck. Buck was safe. Buck was secure. Buck was warm, and loving, and accepting of everyone. But because it was more than what Eddie was able to work through at the moment.
He looked up at Buck with sad eyes and saw that Buck's eyes were just as sad as his own.
"I'll be back tomorrow, honey, I promise," Eddie said, trying to bite down all the everything that was going on within as he placed a gentle kiss in Theo's hair.
"But I want you here now," Theo sniffled. "And Chris, too. This is your home, too. We are your family, too."
"I know, baby. I know. But we have another home that we have to go back to. And it doesn't mean we don't love you when we leave. We love you so much. We will always be here when we are able to be. And I don't think there's enough room for Chris and I to sleep over. So we are gonna go and sleep in our beds, and come right back here when we wake up in the morning, okay?" Eddie said.
"We can make a fort with all the blankets in the living room and all sleep together there. Or Chris could share with me and you can share with Buck, and then you can be here all the time," Theo said with a determined nod and a grin tugging at his lips.
And if Eddie's heart and stomach both clenched and fluttered with far too much feeling then he had to ignore it.
"I'm sorry, Theo, I'll see you in the morning, okay. Be good for our Buck," Eddie said, kissing Theo's hair again before, with great difficulty, passing him over to Buck. "I love you," he kissed Theo's hair again and pulled away enough for the small arms to finally let go of him, and then without any thought going into it he kissed Buck, too, on the lips.
"See you two tomorrow," he said distractedly, ushering Christopher as quickly as they both could manage out of the house and to the car. Pushing down all the feelings, the images of Buck's and Theo's very similar shocked expressions, and trying to slow his racing heart and fluttering stomach.
"Dad," Chris said softly as they drove around the corner and out of sight of Buck's home.
"Nope."
"Dad."
"Nope."
"Dad."
"Christopher."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Absolutely not," Eddie said, shaking his head and biting his bottom lip that still tasted of Buck's vanilla flavoured lip balm, which surprised him considering it was literally just a peck, but…
Nope.
"Fuck," Eddie breathed, trying to fight the urge to bang his head against the steering wheel and actually concentrate on the road so he could get them home safe. So that they really could come back and see the rest of their family unit the next day.
"Yep," Chris said with a grin. "I mean you did just kiss Buck for a full five seconds. Lots to think about there."
"It was not five seconds."
"It was."
"It was like one second. Barely even a peck," Eddie argued.
"No, it wasn't. It was five seconds. I counted," Chris said, still grinning.
"You counted?" Eddie raised an eyebrow and turned to Chris for a moment before looking at the road again and trying to not think about the grin on his son's face or the multitude of feelings swarming him at the moment.
"I counted. I had to make sure it was real, and not barely even a peck," Chris sighed. "I've been waiting for this for far too long."
"Yeah-wait, what?" Eddie was shocked.
"You just agreed with me," Chris was grinning again, brighter this time.
"Nope. No, I didn't. It's been a long day. I'm tired."
"Sure you are, but that doesn't mean you didn't agree with me, dad."
"Fuck," Eddie sighed, grateful that he could see their home coming up.
Their home that was feeling decidedly less and less like home by the day.
"What do you mean by you've been waiting too long?" Eddie asked as he parked in their driveway and turned off the engine.
"Dad, you and Buck have always been best friends, but you have always been more than that, too. I see the way you two look at each other, and act with each other. Buck has always been like another dad to me. Abuela and tía Pepa both accepted him into our family the same way they did for mom. We are a family. You, me, Buck, Theo. And that is more than okay. It always has been. I've just been waiting for the day when I could officially call us that. And I mean, I get it, I do, dad. Living with your parents for those months, I know how hard this is for you to accept. But… it's okay to be gay, dad. It's okay for you to be gay. You're still my dad. I'm not going to love you any less for it," Chris said softly, covering Eddie's hand which had fallen upon the centre console with his own and squeezing it comfortingly.
Eddie wanted to cry. But he swallowed down the tears that built up behind his eyes because he couldn't do that in front of his son. His incredible son who leaned forward and kissed his cheek before opening the car door and climbing out of it. Eddie got out of the car too, walking with Chris to their door and opening it ushering Christopher in first.
"Goodnight, dad," Chris said, a small smile on his lips.
"Goodnight, bud, I love you," Eddie said, a smile tugging at his own lips, too, even as he continued to fight the tears.
"I love you, too. Always. No matter what," Chris said, making his way to his bedroom as Eddie collapsed onto the sofa and finally allowed himself to let the tears escape as he heard Chris' bedroom door shut.
It's okay to be gay, dad.
It's okay to be gay.
Is that what Christopher thought he was?
Gay?
Did others think he was gay, too?
He recalled the events of New Mexico then. The events that still had him startling awake from nightmares and needing to be close to Buck at all times because he couldn't bare being separated for even a moment. The words and the hate that was spewed towards him and Buck.
People thought they were together.
People thought they were a couple.
The cop thought he had killed his own husband.
His breath hitched in his throat. Buck and husband were two things that shouldn't belong so well together in Eddie's mind. He was raised in a way that had taught him that he had to be normal. He had to be the perfect man, son, father, husband (to a woman.) His parents didn't like gay people. Eddie had never had an issue with them. He had raised Christopher to be open and accepting, to know that no matter who he was Eddie would love him.
But Eddie had never known that. He had never known that his parents would love him no matter what. To be quite honest, he didn't even know if they did love him. They had never really said the words, to him. Not unless others were around. He had failed in every way to be a good man in their eyes. He always had. He didn't like going to church. He crashed the car into the garage. He wasn't a good cook when he was younger. He became a teen dad. He abandoned his wife and kid to fight a war he didn't believe in just to escape his parents and their words, their pressures. He moved to LA with Chris when he clearly had no clue what he was doing. He failed at every relationship with a woman because he couldn't fall in love with them.
He couldn't fall in love with them.
Was he gay?
He had to admit to himself, in the darkness of the living room of the home that was feeling less and less like home; and had been feeling that way since Buck had moved out if he was completely honest with himself; that all those things he had imagined love feeling like, and being like… all the things that he had pictured being in love with someone could be, he had all of those things with Buck. And he had since the moment they shook hands and became friends. Promising to have each other's backs.
A promise that should've been for Shannon, and for Ana, and for Marisol.
But that promise was always, instead, for Buck.
He had to admit to himself, in the darkness of the living room that didn't feel right anymore, that as much as he thought women were beautiful, it was more an objective thing than an attraction thing. Dating a woman had always felt like a performance. Something he had to do. Not something he wanted to do. He had panicked at the mere thought of people thinking that Ana was or could be his wife. He had thought he was dying. That he was having a heart attack. He wasn't supposed to feel that way. Love wasn't supposed to feel that way.
But with Buck… with Buck life felt easy. He felt safe, and secure, and at peace with himself and with the world. Buck allowed him to be himself in all the ways he had never been allowed to be. He didn't have to perform with Buck. He didn't have to hide pieces of himself with Buck. He didn't panic at the thought of spending every day of the rest of his life with Buck by his side, because that was what he wanted. Kissing Buck for those apparent five seconds didn't feel like an act. It felt natural. It felt right. It felt like home.
And he wanted to do it again.
He longed to do it again.
He had never kissed someone and actually been excited for the next time he got to do that. But there was excitement in him. There were the feelings he had always heard about in the films, and tv shows, and read about in the books fluttering through him like they belonged there. And they did.
He loved Buck.
He is in love with Buck.
He's very sure he always had been, he just hadn't allowed himself to claim it. To feel it. To think too deeply about it.
He is gay.
That pill wasn't even hard to swallow with Buck because Buck made everything easier. Lighter. Like nothing else mattered but their little family, and the people that actually loved them.
It wasn't like it used to be. Back with his first male best friend whom he distantly remembered from time to time. The young boy who made his own young heart and stomach flutter almost as much as Buck did, and who held his hand, and who made everything feel easy, and happy, and like all that really mattered was their own little world in which they could truly be themselves. Unburdened by responsibility, and pressure, and the community that surrounded them.
He allowed himself to wonder, briefly, where Lucas was, and if he was okay. He allowed himself to wonder what had happened to him and knew that he probably wouldn't like the answer. He had left so quickly. So suddenly. One day they were having fun at the lake, being themselves, being closer with each other than they had ever wanted to be with anyone else, and the next Lucas was gone with not a single word. No goodbye. Nothing.
And that was never a good sign, right?
Not with the parents and churches they both had.
His heart ached with a distant, perpetually lingering pain at the memories of their time together. The memories that he had tried so hard to bury deep within him throughout the years. Their year spent as best friends that could've been so much more if they were older and safer.
Everything felt harder after that. Eddie had had to go back to pretending. To performing. To being the perfect man that wasn't secretly falling as much in love with a boy who he then missed more than he could ever admit out loud as a young teenager could. The perfect man who looked after the home, and was attracted to women, and wasn't doing anything that could bring shame on the Diaz family or the church they prayed in.
He had failed.
In the eyes of his parents he had always and would always fail.
Especially now that he had allowed himself to name the feelings inside of him. Especially now that he wanted nothing more than to act on them. To be himself. To accept himself. To be who he had raised his son to be, someone who accepts and loves others, and knows that he will be loved by some regardless of who he is.
Christopher had been waiting for this. Eddie had too. And he didn't want to hold back anymore. They had wasted too much time already.
But they still had the rest of their hopefully long lives to be the family they were always supposed to be, and in many ways already were.
He stood up and went to Chris' room, walking quickly, knocking on the door and waiting for Christopher to respond, knowing that his kid wasn't asleep yet because he didn't have school tomorrow.
"Yes, dad, you can go to Buck's and confess your feelings to him. I will be fine by myself. Have fun. But not too much fun," Chris called from the other side, excited, as if he had been waiting for Eddie's knock.
He probably had been.
Eddie sputtered, though, a blush creeping up his neck, his cheeks, his ears.
"I-er-okay, thank you. I'll see you soon. Goodnight. I love you," Eddie said, not sure what else there was to say in that moment.
"Goodnight. I love you, too," Chris said, opening the door and wrapping his arms around Eddie's waist. "I'm proud of you, dad," he said when Eddie wrapped his own arms around Chris' shoulders.
"Thank you, Christopher," Eddie said, realising he was still crying silently and burying his face in Chris' curls, placing a kiss there.
"Can you ask Buck if I can start calling him my dad now, too?" Christopher asked, pulling away with a beaming, hopeful smile on his face that had a happy sob ripping out of Eddie's throat.
"Y-yeah, I can do that," Eddie said, nodding his head and stepping away from his son. Their son.
"Good. See you tomorrow," Chris said.
"See you tomorrow. If I'm not home already I will come and pick you up first thing in the morning. You had best be well rested," Eddie said, trying to be a little stricter, but it didn't really carry any weight with his persistent blush and tears.
"I will be well rested. You had best be well rested, too, dad. You shouldn't drive when you're tired," Christopher smirked.
"Hey you, shut up," Eddie said, both grinning and blushing as Christopher laughed.
"Go, dad, I'll be fine on my own for however long you are gone. You've got this. And you deserve happiness. Go get your man," Chris said softly.
"Okay. Cool. Will do. Do I look okay?" Eddie asked, nervous.
"Dad, you look as incredible as you always look. You'll be fine. Now go," Chris said, ushering Eddie down the hall.
"Goodnight, love you," Eddie said as he grabbed his keys from the table next to the door and slid on his shoes.
"Goodnight. I love you, too."
…
Eddie took a moment to sit in his car, outside Buck's home, and breathe. His hands gripped the steering wheel so tight that his knuckles were probably paler than they ever had been before. He stared at the home that he was slowly starting to think of as his own, and he wondered if he was actually wanting to do this.
Well, he did want to do this. He wanted more than anything to be free for once in his life of all the expectations the various people in his life had of him. To be himself. To be open, and honest, and accepting of himself and the person he actually was and not the persona he had portrayed for so fucking long.
He wanted to be with Buck, too. He wanted their family of four, and maybe more one day, and all that could possibly come with it, because for the love of God or the universe, or whatever, he loved Buck so fucking much that he actually felt at peace with the thought and feeling of that love.
But… could he do this? Could he really go up to that home and put everything on the line to announce the full truth of himself that he had never even dared to think before he accidentally kissed his best friend? What if Buck didn't feel the same? What if he ruined their friendship completely and Chris and Theo had their family ruined?
What if he had already ruined it by kissing Buck for 5 fucking seconds without even knowing what he was doing?
The ever persistent hate that he felt for himself burned within him at the thought of already ruining what they had.
But then Buck opened the door to his home, and the light from the hallway bathed him in what could only be described as a halo, really, as the other man looked at him with wide, concerned eyes. And Eddie got out of the car, taking another deep, shaky breath as he stepped towards the home that had always been filled with both him and Buck, and Chris, and now Theo, too. Pieces of all of them filled the home as if it had always belonged to all of them, as if that were the point of it.
He stopped in front of Buck and took another breath. "Hi," he said softly, nervously. Wondering what on earth he was supposed to say next.
"Hi," Buck said, his voice just as soft and nervous. His eyes were also red from tears, but so filled with hope, and more than Eddie knew what to do with. More than what he had ever even hoped to find in the person he loved.
"So… I kissed you," Eddie said, his hands fiddling with each other in front of his fluttering stomach and he looked into Buck's brilliant blue eyes and wondered what it would be like to look into them every day for the rest of their lives.
"You did," Buck breathed, almost like he couldn't believe it. Eddie wasn't sure he would be able to believe it either if things had happened the other way around. But he had just spent who knows how long being all introspective in his living room about it, about the meaning of it, and about the truest, deepest parts of himself that he had had to hide away for so fucking long, and he knew that it was time to let that person out. "Why?"
Eddie's eyes scrunched up almost like he wanted to cry again. Perhaps he did. His breath hitched in his throat and he thought he could feel a tear slide down his cheek as he bit his lip that somehow still tasted of vanilla lip balm.
"I wanted to," Eddie said simply. It was true. He had wanted to. Even if he hadn't allowed himself that desire, or the thoughts and feelings, and everything else in his life that had led to it.
"E-Eddie, you're straight," Buck said.
And Eddie couldn't help but snort out an almost pained laugh at the words.
"Yeah," his voice sounded a bit too strangled. "I don't think that's true. Actually, I know that isn't true."
"Since when?" Buck was doing his best at looking very not shocked, but Eddie could still see it and was very endeared by it (him) anyways.
"Since always," Eddie shrugged. "I just… I couldn't… I couldn't think about it, or admit it to myself, or to anyone else really, until now apparently."
"So… s-so you're..?"
"Gay. I'm gay," Eddie's voice broke, and his breath hitched in his throat as he said the words out loud for the first time ever, and he felt freer than he had ever been before. It was like most of the weight that had been crushing his chest, and his shoulders, and everything else had been lifted and he could finally, actually, properly breathe.
"Hey, hey, Eddie, you're okay. I've got you. I'm proud of you," Buck said, pulling Eddie gently into his arms and holding him as Eddie's shoulders shook with the tears that were falling, his own hands coming up to wrap around Buck's back. "It's okay. You're okay. Everything is going to be okay. I've got you. I'm so fucking proud of you, Eddie, I mean it."
Eddie didn't know how long they stayed wrapped in each other's arms, but by the time he was ready to pull back from the comforting embrace they were inside the home, and the door was closed, and Eddie felt hope, and love, and freedom, and all the things he had only ever dreamed about in the rare quiet moments where his mind wasn't constantly thinking of whatever performance he was putting on at the time.
They stared at each other for… however long. Eddie was sure that his heart was skipping some beats as he willed himself to try and say the seemingly, but not very simple words that longed to escape from his lips.
"Eddie, when you said you wanted to kiss me-"
"I meant it," Eddie said, cutting Buck off and taking a breath before repeating himself. "I meant it," he said slower. "I want to kiss you. I want to hold your hand. I want to hold you. And sleep in the same bed as you. And wake up with our arms wrapped around each other. And I want our kids to be under the same roof. And I want this family that we have spent the past nine years building to be together, properly, officially. I want Chris to be able to call you his dad, too. I want to be free, and happy, and find my joy. I want you. I want you, Buck. I love you."
"I love you, too," Buck said, a smile tugging up his lips.
And Eddie kissed him again. Properly this time. Like he did during all those performances but which had never felt real, or right, or brilliantly happy. Until now. His hands crept up so that his fingers were threaded through Buck's hair and his palms were cupping buck's cheeks. Buck's hands fell to Eddie's waist, pulling him in as close as he possibly could, and Eddie helped with the closeness. Moving himself into Buck's space until they were almost melting into each other. Their bodies molded perfectly for each other like they were always supposed to get to this point of unbridled happiness and joy, and togetherness.
They were both smiling through the kiss. Eddie could taste Buck's vanilla lip balm all the more now as their lips danced against each other's, and they nibbled at each other's bottom lips, and they let their tongues join the dance.
It was magnetic. Electric. It was thrilling. It was everything that Eddie had ever wanted to find in a touch, in a kiss, in a moment with a person he loved, and so much more. His mind was completely at peace. He was happier than he had ever even imagined he could be at the thought of their family being an official thing. He was surrounded in warmth, and safety, and love, and he revelled in it. His body, his mind, his heart, all of them wanted this, needed this.
He didn't care, for the first time in forever he didn't care what anyone else could possibly feel, or think, or say about him, because it didn't matter. All that mattered was his freedom, his happiness, his Buck and his boys.
His heart was pounding and his breathing was heavy as he pulled away, but only enough for their foreheads to be touching, and their lips to be inches apart. Eddie's skin, and… body, tingled with anticipation, and excitement, and a thrilling, all-encompassing desire that he had longed to feel for anyone, and yet, he realised, had always been buried beneath the surface for Buck.
Buck who was too fucking hot.
He was sure his pupils were as dilated as Buck's were as he looked into the blue orbs that made him realise that there was a very real reason why his favourite colour was blue.
"I love you," Eddie said again, easily. Loving Buck, wanting him, needing him, that was so fucking incredibly easy now that he had actually opened himself up to it.
"I love you, too," Buck said, like it was the easiest thing in the world to him, too.
Eddie wondered when his cheeks would start hurting from all the smiling he was doing. Buck's too. Or did happiness, and freedom, and pure unfiltered joy numb you to the pain of such things?
"Chris wanted me to ask if you would be okay with him calling you his dad now too?" Eddie said, and he marvelled at the awe in Buck's eyes that was slowly, then all at once covered in the happiest tears he had ever seen in someone else.
"Really?" Buck asked, his shoulders shaking as he tried to contain his emotions.
"Yeah, really. You are his dad, too, Buck. You always have been," Eddie said, leaning up and kissing Buck's birthmark, then the corner of his lips as his best friend and love of his life crumbled in his arms, his face hiding in the crook of Eddie's neck as they held onto each other like they never wanted to ever have to let go.
And they didn't.
He rather imagined they were like the older gay couple they were there for during Eddie's probationary year. They had spent the past nine years building their love, their family, and one day, when they're old and grey, and have lived their lives filled with truth, and love, and hope, and happiness, they would go together. Not bearing to be without each other.
"I would love to be his dad, too," Buck said, though his voice was muffled by Eddie's neck, which Buck delicately kissed like Eddie was the most precious thing in the world to him. "I love him so much, Eddie. So fucking much."
"I know. He knows. And he loves you, too. So fucking much, Buck," Eddie said, kissing Buck's curls and allowing his lips to linger as he breathed in the moment, and everything that came with it.
And breathing felt so much easier than it ever had before.