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It takes a moment before Kaiser registers the small weight in his arms; he realizes (alternatively: remembers) he's at a complete loss at what to do with the very real, very alive creature he's suddenly become responsible for.
"I don't want this." He goes cold in an instant. Looks around, trying not to panic, desperate to get the thing out of his reach as soon as possible. "Fuck. Ness. Ness where are you. Ness—"
"I'm here, I'm here!" Ness bursts in on the scene and Kaiser relaxes. "Kaiser! You called for me—?!"
Kaiser shoves the baby at Ness. Ness lets out a pitchy squeak, but immediately adjusts to hold the creature. "…What??"
"Children shouldn't be held by me."
Ness is speechless. He shakes the hair out of his eyes, casting an appalled look at Kaiser. "…Where did it even come from? I—whose baby is this?? Kaiser, what?"
He clenches his teeth. "Fuck!" The swear rips out of Kaiser's mouth in a burst of air. The panic starts to creep back in; he has no idea. "I don't shitting know! I-It just, it just appeared. And! It's not my fucking problem."
Ness moves to shield the baby as if it'll protect it from Kaiser's words. "You shouldn't swear around children!" he hisses.
"No, it's okay. It's a Japanese baby, it won't understand."
"Why would that mean—nevermind. Okay. What if it had the Mikage translators in?"
"You mean, what if the baby was a Mikage?"
"One, that's Seishirou Nagi. Two, ignoring that the baby wouldn't understand either way, what if the baby learned it from you? Or what if the baby picked up your habits? What would its parents think—?" Ness gasps as he realizes. "What if… because of you, what if its first word was a swear…?"
"…"
Bewildered, Kaiser shoots a sharp look at the baby. He shakes his head in disbelief, his hair falling loose as he does so.
There's no way.
There's just no way.
But Ness doesn't seem to trust it. He looks back and forth between Kaiser and the baby. Worried. Suspicious. Urgent.
"—Knowing some German couldn't hurt it," says Kaiser, but even to him it sounds weak.
The baby just coos, and giggles, and reaches for Ness' shirt. The scene is disgusting because it is cute.
"Where's your mama?" Ness coos back at the baby. "Don't worry, little one. We'll get you home."
"Children are an oppressed social group," states Kaiser.
Ness looks up. "I don't disagree with you, but we should really find this kid's parents. They must be worried sick… Kaiser, please try to remember how you came in contact with the child."
"Um." Kaiser's brow twists in thought. "I swear the mother just went up to me and dropped the baby on me. Worried, my ass…"
"So: if she purposefully gave him to you, surely that means she'll come b—oh!"
The woman moves in. "World class football players Michael Kaiser and Alexis Ness! Thank you for holding my baby while I went to the restroom!" She bows in thanks and takes her baby and then she's already gone and it's like that whole thing never even happened.
"…"
Kaiser breaks the silence. "Wow."
"All things considered: not the worst parent out there," remarks Ness.
Kaiser hums. "I'm reminding you that I'm never having kids."
"Right."