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“I am nothing but words,
just a shape
of dreams or night.”
- Euripides
- The one after she watched her mother being led away
There is a loneliness in the way a city lies after nightfall. A loneliness about standing on a balcony towering high above the city, watching a thousand bright windows, a thousand lights illuminating the darkness of the sky. A loneliness in the grey emptiness of a starless night. And she knows all about this. Knows this loneliness somewhere deep down in her bones.
She swirls the red wine around her glass once, then twice before bringing it to her lips. She doesn’t even like red wine. It’s too bitter, too full, but somehow this night doesn’t seem to be calling for sweet things.
A sole cloud moves in front of the crescent moon shape hanging in the midst of this night, casting the city in a fuller kind of darkness and she wonders not for the first time whether she has made the right choice.
She knows she has. Logically. But there is a part of her, the part of her that remembers the little girl being walked up to the Luthor’s mansion all those years ago, the little girl that desperately wished for a family and has lost them all one by one. And it’s that part that desperately wishes she hadn’t done this.
She feels a sole tear running down her cheek, tastes the salt of it on her lips and wipes away at the wetness on her skin. It is then that she is startled out of her late night ponderings by a knock on the balcony door, quickly accompanied by a certain blonde reporter stepping outside.
“Hey,” she greets, voice delicate, a sound scattered quickly by the rumble of the city.
“Kara.”
“Yeah, I-“ she wrings her hands nervously, “I don’t mean to intrude but I just- I heard what happened and I just wanted to check that you were alright.”
Lena can’t help but stare at her. She is dimly illuminated by the light reaching out from the office, casting her in the softest light, almost halo-like in the way she is standing there. Her eyes are wide and earnest as they always are. And Lena knows that this isn’t one of those occasions where she’s asked after her well-being and the only acceptable answer is “fine”. She knows that if she told Kara about this (the longing, the aching, the way her chest feels like the word collapse), she wouldn’t hesitate to pull her into a hug. Listen to her. Make her feel warm.
But somehow the words don’t come. How does she even begin to describe this feeling? How does she explain to someone that all she wanted was for her mother to love her. For her mother to be a good person. For her brother to stay with her.
So she shrugs, lets out what sounds like a laugh with a shiver to it. Then shrugs again as more tears make their way down her cheek. Slow cascades of water that say more than she will ever be able to.
And Kara nods, steps forward, then hesitates.
“I am going to hug you now.”
Lena laughs again, a softer thing of a laugh now, and that seems to be all the enticement Kara needed because she steps forward and pulls her into her arms. They are warm and secure and when she starts crying she feels Kara’s hands run up and down softly along her spine. She doesn’t speak the entire time though, doesn’t try to hush her, tell her that she made the right choice or that things will be okay. She just holds her. Takes some of the heaviness and bears it with her.
When she pulls back after what feels like ages, Kara brings her hands up to her cheeks, wipes away the residue of tears and pain and finally lets her hands rest on her shoulder, rubbing softly at the exposed skin there.
“What do you need?”
She thinks about this for a moment, allows her eyes to fall back onto the city of bright windows, onto the moon, now exposed.
“I don’t want to be alone.” It’s a declaration so delicate it could break in the harsh noise of the city.
Kara nods, allows her hand to run down Lena’s arms until she reaches her palm and takes it softly into hers.
“Come with me?”
“Where are we going?” Lena asks, already following Kara back into her office, where she starts locking the balcony up again.
“You’re staying at mine. We are going to watch Mamma Mia and eat Pizza.” Kara smiles at her, that open, honest kind of smile Lena has come to love over their past few weeks of friendship.
“Kara how many times have you seen Mamma Mia this month?”
Kara seems to consider this before she answers. ”Three times. but that’s no reason not to watch it again. It has Meryl Streep, ABBA, and it is impossible to be unhappy while watching Mamma Mia.” She looks at her like she just checkmated her and Lena has to laugh.
“Your logic is indisputable.”
Kara holds Lena’s hand the entire way down the elevator and still doesn’t let go when they walk the couple blocks over to her apartment building. She tells Lena about her favorite movies, pizza options and the genius of Meryl Streep and somehow her chatter makes the night seem softer somehow.
It’s almost 3am when they finally finish the movie, both of them curled up on the sofa, hands still intertwined and eyelids drooping.
“You can stay here tonight you know.”
“Okay.” She agrees willingly, too tired to deny herself the comfort of being with Kara.
She doesn’t argue either when Kara slips into bed next to her. “The bed is big enough for us both.”
Their hands are still linked when she falls asleep.
- The one after the first New Year’s Party and too much wine
It’s the first New Year’s Party she’s ever been invited to. There had been family functions of course, or gatherings from work, but this is the first party she has been invited to by a friend.
It’s an hour to midnight and they are all playing some board game she had never heard of before. Kara and she are teamed up and presently in the lead, much to the dismay of her sister Alex and team mate Maggie. Winn is rolling the dice for his team and only gets a one and for a second Lena thinks he will flip the board. Kara laughs at this, leans in close to her and Lena gasps for a second at the way Kara’s breath ghosts over the skin at her neck when Kara stage whispers, “We are so winning this.”
Alex pretend glares at her and takes another swig of her wine before rolling the dice.
“Six!” She jumps up, “Take that Kara.”
Kara ´pouts, which in turn makes Lena smile and it’s all so – soft. It is always so soft whenever she stays with Kara and her family. The scene is bathed in a gentle light and everyone is laughing and smiling, including her in their warm bubble of family and sometimes it still takes her breath away, no matter how many times she’s been a part of game night before.
When it gets closer to midnight they all move over to the window front. Maggie has her arm slung around Alex’ shoulders and the agent is leaning into her girlfriend, watching the city still cast in silence.
Winn, James and Mike are stood next to them, discussing some computer game, while Mike glances over at Kara, who is standing next to her, every so often. She doesn’t like this guy very much. Doesn’t like the way his hair looks, or his stupid glasses. (She doesn’t like the way he looks at Kara either. But yeah it’s mostly the hair.)
“So as far as New Year’s Eve Parties go I hope this one was alright?” Kara asks next to her. “I mean I know it’s not fancy or a big deal but-“
“It’s perfect.” Lena says simply and it’s true. This is the best New Year’s Party she’s ever been to and she’s never felt better going into a New Year as she does at this very moment.
Kara smiles at her then, pushes her glasses up a little bit and just smiles. Glad that she is here, glad that Lena spent this night with her and Lena is still not really able to fathom her.
They are startled out of their mutual smiling at each other when the fireworks go off outside the window and watch as the sky is broken apart by color and light. Kara then wraps her arms around her, pulls her in tightly and presses a small kiss onto her cheek, “Happy New Year, Lena.”
Xx
It’s about 3am when people start leaving Kara’s apartment. And it’s only when everyone has left that Lena starts making a move to leave as well.
“What are you doing?” Kara asks. They are presently both sprawled across the sofa, watching an 80s hits show on television. Lena’s had a lot of wine and is cozy, everything is a bit blurry and without edges and she really, really, doesn’t want to get up when there’s Kara on the sofa with her, looking at her with ruffled hair and half-lidded eyes like that.
“I should leave before I fall asleep,” she laughs, barely making an effort to move. Even her bones are tired. And they beg her to just stay, to allow herself this brief comfort from this big world outside that she finds whenever she is here.
“Stay,” Kara says. And Lena only gives her a quick glance before nodding and settling back in.
It’s because the sofa is really comfy and because Queen still hasn’t been a part of this charts show and that’s just not right. It’s not because Kara’s legs are intertwined with hers at all. It’s also not because Kara is smiling at her now, like she always smiles at Lena: like she is something precious. It’s not because of that smile at all.
III. The one where Supergirl is hurt
Working out that Kara is Supergirl had been almost ridiculously easy. Suspicion started when she had told her she “flew in on a bus.” But it had been confirmed on one of the occasions where Supergirl had come to her rescue.
“Lena are you alright?” She hears Kara’s voice cut through the rubble and the grit that had previously been one of her meeting rooms. There had been an attack by an alien whose family had been killed off by Lex. The room had been turned to dust, walls partially collapsing on top of her as she had to watch Supergirl being thrown against and out of several window fronts before finally managing to knock out the hostile alien and giving it into the care of the DEO.
She fights to breathe through the dust, there are some scratches on her arms but other than that she is unharmed.
“Lena,” Kara’s voice reaches into her awareness again and she turns around to find Supergirl rushing towards her, kneeling down in front of her battered body and checking her over for wounds.
“I’m alright, I’m alright,” she manages through a hoarse throat.
“Thank Rao,” Supergirl sighs and pulls her in for a hug and Lena almost has to laugh at herself for not working it out earlier. She smells exactly like Kara, the faint scent of rose lotion and hot cocoa. She feels exactly like her too, sure and gentle and like home.
“Thank you for saving me, Kara.”
She feels her stiffen but doesn’t allow her to pull away, winds her arms around her back and holds her close to her.
“You know,” Kara murmurs into her neck, the soft words eliciting a shiver. “I should have known.”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
“I know.”
So when Lena turns on the news channel and sees that Supergirl has been wounded, carried away on a stretcher by a team of DEO agents, she can feel her heart stutter in her chest, feels the way it collapses. Not Kara. Please not Kara. She should be invincible for god’s sake.
She can feel the way her lungs are heaving for air, like this will become her drowning if she doesn’t start fighting back and so she picks up her phone and dials.
She’s hardly ever spoken to Alex Danvers before. And never without Kara. She likes her, likes that Kara has someone to look out for her, someone smart, someone strong. But she doesn’t know her.
The phone rings for about two minutes before Alex finally picks up.
“Now’s not a good time, Lena.”
“How is she?”
“Lena-”
“Just tell me please.”
“She’s in surgery, we don’t know yet,” Lena can hear the tinge of tears in Alex’ voice and she knows it must be bad.
“Can I see her?”
“Lena-“
“Please, Alex. I don’t know what to do. She’s-“ Yes what is Kara exactly? Her best friend? It doesn’t seem enough. She is a light. She is her person. And she needs her to be okay.
“I’ll send Winn to pick you up.”
xx
Kara looks small. They’ve been told she’d make a complete recovery but she looks so small and that’s not something Lena is used to. She’s still attached to tubes and wires, the white bed sheets almost blending in with her pale skin. She watches the electrocardiograph, watches the steady beating of Kara’s heart and thanks every star she knows that she’s alright.
“Hey, you,” she hears a raspy whisper then and feels the way the hand she’s holding clutched in her own squeezes back.
“Hey,” she sighs, watching as Kara’s eyelids flutter open.
“Are you okay?” Kara asks and that about does it for Lena. Tears start running in rivulets down her cheeks and she gives her a shaky laugh. Only Kara would ask her if she was okay in a situation like this.
“Yes, I am now. How are you feeling?”
“Like I’ve been run over.” Kara tries to reach for Lena’s cheeks to wipe away the tears but Lena guides her hand to her lips instead and presses a feather-like kiss into her palm.
Kara starts to shuffle around the bed then, grimacing at every move.
“What are you doing, you’re going to pull a tube!”
“Making room,” she grumbles.
“Kara-“
“I want you close,” she looks at her again, pouting now. Lena has never been able to resist the Kara Danvers pout and she damn well knows it. There is something vulnerable underneath it as well though, and Lena understands that. She wants Kara close as well, so how can she deny her that? How can she deny her the comfort she’s seeking ?
So she helps her make room on the already too small bed and carefully wraps herself around Kara, arm slung across her torso, head nestled into the crook of her neck.
“Does this hurt? Am I hurting you?”
“No,” Kara sighs and Lena watches as she fights to keep her eyes open, eyelids battling her heavily.
“Sleep,” she whispers gently, lips ghosting alongside Kara’s bruised neck. “I’ll be here in the morning.”
- The one where they get together
Sleepovers have become a regular occurrence now. The air in National City is heavy with autumn, the wind is harsh enough to bite and leaves are swirling alongside the pavement everywhere. It’s beautiful, has always been her favorite season. And she is glad to spend it mostly by watching the world fall apart from Kara Danver’s windows. She loves autumn because it’s given her an excuse to stay.
She seeks those little excuses as much as Kara seems to.
“It’s raining. I don’t want you to get soaked when you can just stay.”
“It’s much too cold to leave now.”
And so she stays. Every time.
She has realized by now the full impact of Kara Danvers. The whole of her feelings for this girl that is so much light, so much brightness that sometimes she has to reach out for her, hold her hand, rest her head on her shoulder, just to convince herself that she is actually real.
She knows she has fallen in love with her best friend and it’s ruining her life.
It’s ruining her life because she is almost certain that while Kara wants her around to hang out, she most definitely doesn’t want to be in a relationship with her.
Because this is just one other thing that’s just out of reach. One of the almost theres that have defined her life. Almost good enough to be loved by her mother. Almost had a loving big brother to take care of her. Almost with Kara.
But she is, in every sense of the word, master of repressing and ignoring her emotions.
And so whenever Kara touches her hand and her heart gives that little flutter she tries to ignore it. Whenever Kara laughs and her treacherous lips curl upwards on their own accord, joining her happiness, she tries to hold it back. The emphasis being on try. She is not very successful at it at all.
And so, when Kara and she finally decide to go to bed that night, both of them curling up on their side of the bed, she tries to sleep.
It doesn’t take long for her to notice the way Kara’s own breathing has leveled out and so she dares to turn over and look at her. Her face is turned to Lena’s side of the bed and her eyes are closed, face slack and peaceful, hair strewn across her pillow.
She reaches out to brush a stray strand of hair away from her face and lets her hand rest there for a second. Very close to Kara’s face. Almost in reach.
“You’re so beautiful,” she whispers then. It’s a thing of silence that only half manages to escape from her lips at all.
“I love you, Kara.” Her words are quiet and shy. Two things not usually associated with her. But Kara has always been the exception to everything hasn’t she? Made her light. Made her laugh. Made her feel.
“I love you,” she whispers again and it aches, the way truth sometimes does when it has been held back for a long time, when all you want to do is scream it out loud. “I think I have always loved you. You’ my person, the one I just want to be with all the time. I want to make you laugh and take care of you and watch dumb Sit-Coms at 4am with you. I want to play Monopoly with you even though I hate it and bring you coffee in the morning. I just-“ she sighs a little, breath only a stutter in her chest, “I just love you.” She says again. Because it’s as simple and as complicated as that.
She loves Kara Danvers and she doesn’t know what to do about it.
It is then that a soft hand takes hold of hers and she startles out of her thoughts, eyes flying to the movement on the other side of the bed. Kara is turning around, looking at her. A very awake Kara.
“Do you mean that?” she asks, gently, like she is afraid Lena might break if she didn’t.
Her lungs have become a jumbled mess and her heart is beating so loudly it feels as if it is trying to climb up her throat. Kara must undoubtedly have heard it because she moves closer, places one hand over her chest and whispers, “Because that would be convenient.” She looks up at her then. “Because I love you too.”
Lena can do nothing but stare at her. Her body seems to have just given up on carrying all this because her mouth falls open and she just grasps Kara’s hand tighter.
“I want to wake up next to you every morning,” Kara goes on then. “I want to order you pizza and watch as you comment along to TV episodes. I want to dance with you whenever you feel sad. I want to kiss you every night.” She moves even closer then and looks up at Lena, eyes meeting.
“Is that okay?”
Lena laughs then, a shaky thing of a laugh and nods. Her eyes are burning and honestly she needs to get a grip.
“That is very okay.”
Kara leans in then, lips only millimeters away from hers. It’s too slow and so Lena wraps her arms around her and pulls her fully on top of her, finally overcoming the distance and kissing her. She is kissing Kara Danvers. She is kissing her and it is light and soft and beautiful. Kara’s lips are gentle and move on hers languidly, taking their time to cherish.
They seem to be kissing for ages before they break apart for air.
Kara is looking at her, lips curved into a smile and Lena finds herself smiling back freely.
“Can you say it again?” Lena asks, almost shy in her request.
And Kara’s smile widens and she brings her lips to cover Lena’s again for a quick kiss. “I love you.” She kisses Lena’s forehead. “I love you.” She kisses Lena’s cheek. “I love you.” She kisses her lips again. “I love you.” And then with her lips still lingering on Lena’s she whisper again. “I love you.” The words are so close this time, Lena feels them like they are made from braille, like they have a substance to them and she can hold onto them forever.
“And I cannot believe you don’t like Monopoly,” Kara whispers against her lips then and Lena laughs and Kara does too and she can feel it on her lips the way she laughs and it’s the most beautiful thing to ever touch her.
She pulls Kara in again then, kisses her like it is all she has left to do. And in a way it is, isn’t it?
V . The one where they move in
She is at her own apartment for once. She knew Kara would be out most of the night because of the protests on the main square and so she ended up at her own place for the first time in what seems like months.
She misses Kara’s apartment though. She misses its warmth and soft light and décor. She misses the amount of pillows and the packs of ice cream in the freezer. It’s become more of a home than this place has ever been and she wonders why she didn’t just go there in the first place. Kara has given her a key and made sure she knew she was welcome.
But she is here now, in the rooms with white wallpapers and no flowers and an almost empty fridge. She’s going to go for an early night probably.
She just settled into her cushions and is about to dim the light when there is a familiar sound outside her window and a knock against the glass.
Kara is hovering outside her building, waiting to be allowed in.
“What are you doing here?” she asks after opening it up to her and Kara has landed with a soft thud on her carpet.
“You weren’t home.”
“Yeah, I-“ she doesn’t really know why she is here either. Maybe because Kara’s apartment is still just that: Kara’s. And she didn’t want to push too hard? They’ve only been going out for two months and while she wants nothing more than to spend every night with Kara she cannot just assume that the other girl would want the same.
“Why-“
“Because I wanted to see you,” Kara shrugs, uncertain all of the sudden. “Sorry, I-“ she begins to do that thing where she fidgets with her hands again and Lena’s feet step forward on their own accord, stroking strands of her out of her girlfriend’s face.
“You probably wanted space, I’m sorry for-“
“No,” Lena almost shouts. “God no, Kara, I didn’t want space. I just thought you might-“
“Why?” Kara looks up at her, eyes wide and vulnerable and Lena hates that she put this shyness there.
“I’ve never done this Kara,” she sighs and takes Kara’s hand into hers, pulling her towards her bed to sit down.
“Everyone I ever became close to wanted space from me after some time. I just thought that was the way it was. No one-“ she grasps Kara’s hand a little more tightly. “No one’s ever just wanted to be around me all the time so I thought- if I give you space myself you might stay.” The truth of her own declaration surprises her. There is a vulnerability laced into her words that not one person in this world has ever been allowed to see. But somehow with the way Kara looks at her, so soft, so full of sympathy it doesn’t make her feel weak. It builds her up. She finds strength in it, finds strength in pulling yourself open at the seams to another person, pouring yourself out at their feet, being brave enough to be this open.
Kara’s arm wraps around her waist then, pulls her into her and presses the softest of kisses onto her cheek as she speaks. “I’ll never want space from you, Lena. I want to spend my life with you. I want to spend all my days and all my nights with you.” She looks at her then, earnest and so full of love it almost knocks her out, because no one has ever looked at her like this. “So would you please move in with me? So I don’t have to fly across the entire city to fetch my girlfriend because the bed is too big without her, because I just fought a crowd of aliens and I am really too tired for all the action.”
Lena laughs then, clear and wide and she nods as she kisses her. “Yes, yes I would love to.”
“So can we go?”
“Yes, please take me home, Kara.”
And so she ends up sleeping next to her girlfriend that night, in the bed that has become hers as much as Kara’s. In her home.