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“HEY FLAEMY BOY!!!” Wemmbu tucked his wings into a diving position and plummeted from the sky, mace raised high above his head and face plastered with the widest shit-eating grin of all time. Flame, with whom he was fighting (for the 17th time that week), simply groaned and stepped out of the way. Gambit came down with a heavy thud on the mesa ground, scattering dust and small rocks everywhere. Wemmbu squealed as his health bar flashed and depleted.
“Bro, like bro, like bro, bro, like- you’re actually so bad, bro, like bro-” Flame easily parried a sword strike from the dragon hybrid and pearled behind him to land a slash on his exposed back. Wemmbu rocketed upwards again, grasping his spear this time to try and execute a fly-by skewering move. He missed. Again. And again. And again.
“What the hell?”
Flame was confused. Was he better than Wemmbu? Abso-fucking-lutely. But was Wemmbu bad at PvP? No. He wouldn’t fight him so much if that were the case. So what the hell was going on?
In the air, Wemmbu gave up on using his spear and switched to his orbitals instead, flicking a fishing rod in Flame’s direction and successfully dropping him into a crater. Flame yelped, finally caught by surprise.
“Bro, I thought we said no orbitals??? Fight honorably, diddletwinkus!”
Wemmbu stuck his tongue out mockingly in response. Bleh.
Flame regained his senses and pearled out of the hole he was in. To Wemmbu’s surprise, he didn’t lunge for his neck- instead, the blaze hybrid sheathed his sword and stood a few steps away from him with his hands raised in a genuine offering of peace.
“Woah woah woah. Bro. Stop. Like, bro. Wait a minute. Let’s talk.” Flame gestured towards a nearby couch. Why was there a fucking couch in the middle of the mesa?
Wemmbu wasn’t too shocked. After all, this was the Unstable SMP, where couches were free to express themselves wherever they wanted.
“Uhhh… sure. What’d you wanna talk about?” Wemmbu landed lightly on the ground next to Flame and flung himself onto the sofa, swinging his legs over an armrest and stretching himself out to take up all the space. He let Gambit fall to the floor next to him, leaving his wrist resting limply on its handle as he squinted up at the blaze with a mix of suspicion and curiosity.
Flame nudged at Wemmbu’s legs, trying to get him to move, but eventually decided to just lean against the back of the couch instead.
“Aight, so, like, what’s going on?” Flame crossed his arms to optimize his aura gain.
“What do you mean what’s going on?”
“Bro, you know what I’m talking about. What’s up with your fighting?”
“What’s up with my fighting?” Wemmbu took a loose strand of his long hair between his fingers and began twirling it mindlessly, watching as the stray golden strands flashed and glimmered under the glaring sun.
Flame turned back to look at him “Wemmbu. Are you okay?”
Wemmbu stopped fidgeting and lifted his eyes to Flame’s face. “Yea? Why?”
“No, like, genuinely.”
“...”
“Wemmbu!”
“...Everything’s fine.”
I thought you got better.”
“Wha- I am better! I’m fine. Amazing, in fact!”
Flame scrunched his eyebrows in concern. “Are you sure?
Wemmbu scoffed and looked away, continuing to knead his hair between his thumb and index finger. “Why’re you so concerned all of a sudden anyway? We were having a great time.”
“No, bro. You were literally about to quick drop.”
Wemmbu shot up, the criticism immediately triggering neuron activation in the ‘bitch’ compartment of his brain. “EXCUSE ME?” He squeezed his hand tightly around Gambit, ready to swing her over his shoulder and clock Flame in the jaw.
“Seriously! You usually fight better than this. Bro, you’re like, so sloppy today. Why? What’s wrong?”
Wemmbu felt his face flush in annoyance. “I am miles better than you, Flamefrags.”
“That’s not even a real saying, bro.”
“It is.”
“Is not. You’re literally the guy with a fucking all-knowing divine scholar friend.”
“IT IS!!”
“Bro, I’m not even trying to ragebait you and you’re already getting ragebaited.”
“WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME BAD THEN?”
“Bro, like, bro. Calm down and actually listen to me.” Flame grabbed Wemmbu’s arms and pulled him up to face him, his expression completely serious. “Are you good? Did something happen? Because it’s usually fun to fight you, ‘cause, like, you’re decent at PvP, right, but, like, today you’re acting weird. You keep missing your mace attacks and I keep getting really easy hits on you. So, like, what happened, bro? Like, did your best friend die or something? Did your teacher abandon you? Did Egg get kidnapped as leverage to force you into joining someone’s underground civilization? Like, I know we’re rivals, but I’m not gonna like, fight you if you’re not in the state to have a fight, like, that’s lowkey not honourable or fair at all-”
“Flame. Bro.” Wemmbu barely succeeded in suppressing a smile, laughing internally from the intense worry on Flame’s face while he slid a hand out of the blaze’s grip to grasp Gambit’s handle discreetly. “It’s genuinely not that deep. Nothing’s wrong. But it’s really funny to see you like this-”
He swung the mace, and it collided with Flame’s skull with a satisfying clank.
“HAHAHHAHAHAHAA, GET READY TO GET ABSOLUTELY DEMOLISHED-”
Flame wedged his sword under his chestplate, stabbing him in the stomach. Wemmbu reeled backwards as his totem popped, showering them with green and yellow particles. He toppled off balance and landed hard on his back.
“Okay, bro. Guess I’ll just farm you.” Flame raised his sword again, and Wemmbu screeched, barely rolling out of the way in time.
They resumed their previous fight, Wemmbu zooming up and down like a ping pong ball, trying to land a mace on Flame. Every time the blaze heard the sharp whoosh of Wemmbu approaching, he would simply catch him in a web and begin critting him out. To be honest, Flame was getting pretty bored.
“BRO, ACTUALLY FIGHT ME NORMALLY!” Wemmbu yelled after having his bucket drained for what seemed like the thousandth time.
“I am fighting you normally, you’re just bad!” Flame popped Wemmbu’s totem again. He placed more webs and chugged a golden apple leisurely as Wemmbu writhed, struggling to break free.
Wemmbu finally gave in as his last totem was popped, slotting Gambit back into his inventory and raising his hands in surrender. “Ok, ok, chill out, wait, let’s talk. Flame. Time out.”
Flame raised an eyebrow and stepped back, letting Wemmbu out of the web bubble. “Oh, so now you’re gonna tell me what’s going on.”
Wemmbu brushed the sticky cobweb residue off of his outfit and straightened. He reached for his hair tie, slipping it off of his ponytail and re-gathering the hair to fix the stray pieces that had fallen out during the battle. Flame tapped his foot in impatience.
“Bro.”
“What? I gotta look good at all times, bro.”
Flame sighed in exasperation, rubbing his temples as he waited for Wemmbu to finish checking himself out in the hand mirror he had brought.
“Bro, are you done?”
“Hell naw. You ruined my eyeliner.” Wemmbu took out an eyeliner pen from his pocket and began fixing his makeup, which had been smudged across the side of his face. He took out a glitter palette as well and dabbed it gently on his eyelids before rummaging through his inventory for a bottle of setting spray.
“Ok, now?”
Wemmbu raised a finger to Flame’s lips. “Uh uh. Be patient. Looking this fabulous takes time and effort, y'know?"
Flame groaned. Wemmbu reached into his inventory again, extracting a lip pencil and lip gloss.
The blaze glanced at the pile of makeup products littered near Wemmbu’s feet. “Bro, I don’t even know what half of these are.”
“Yeah, ‘cause you’re a bum.” Wemmbu finished his lip combo, pursing his lips together and releasing them with a loud pop.
Flame, bored out of his mind, plopped himself down on the ground to watch as Wemmbu moved on to adjusting his jewelry, fixing the ruffles on his clothes, and filing his nails.
“NOW are you ready??”
“One more thing.” Wemmbu produced a pair of sneakers out of his inventory and began undoing the laces on his combat boots.
“How the fuck is changing your shoes going to do anything- holy shit.”
Flame’s mouth fell open in unadulterated shock as Wemmbu pulled the boots off and stepped flat onto the ground. He had somehow shrunk in height by a full head. Now, he barely reached Flame’s shoulders.
Wemmbu smiled sheepishly and gestured at his boots. “8-inch platforms.”
“YOU WERE FIGHTING IN HEELS THIS WHOLE TIME?”
Wemmbu shrugged, pulling on the sneakers and testing them by bouncing around a bit. “I wouldn’t call them heels, per say… They’re platforms.”
“8 inch boots.” Flame rubbed his eyes. “Holy shit. How the fuck do you even stand in those? Do you not, like, twist your ankles and shit??”
“You should be more impressed by the corset, honestly. It’s lowkey impossible to breathe in this.”
“YOU’RE WEARING A CORSET TOO?”
“You couldn’t tell? It’s literally on top of everything else.”
“I THOUGHT THAT SHIT WAS FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSES!”
“Well, can you help me loosen it?”
Flame felt like he was in a fever dream. Wemmbu was insane. Batshit insane. Still, he complied, moving behind him to undo the lace holding the corset together. Wemmbu finally wriggled free with a long sigh and stretched his arms over his head, wincing as his joints popped.
“Yep, that feels a lot better.”
Flame shook his head in disbelief. “Why do you even wear all this fancy shit? Like, doesn’t this nerf you?”
“Ehh. It looks good.”
Wemmbu spun to face him, a slow grin spreading across his face. “So. Wanna continue?”
“Wemmbu, you-”
Flame was interrupted by a mace to the head, his totem exploding. He scrambled for his sword as Wemmbu rained down on him again and again, his mace hitting its mark perfectly every time. Flame put up his shield, dismayed when he realized it was running low on durability.
“Wait, wait, aaaaGHHHHHHHHHH!!” Flame screeched as Wemmbu successfully speared him from the side, popping another one of his totems.
The dragon hybrid folded his wings and dropped to the ground, pulling an axe from his inventory and lodging it cleanly in Flame’s shield, the force from the swing splitting it clean in half. The shield disintegrated, leaving Flame defenseless.
“Okay, okay, hold on, how are you so much better all of a sudden-”
Wemmbu swapped to his sword and pressed him back, the clanging noises of their blades colliding reverberating through the barren landscape. Flame tried pearling away to gain distance, only for Wemmbu to catch up almost immediately after. They zipped and zig-zagged across the mesa, Flame leaving skid marks in the dirt and Wemmbu littering the biome with orbital craters. Holy shit, Wemmbu felt amazing. Maybe it was the thrill of the wind rushing over his wings, or maybe it was just that he could finally move normally without his platforms and corset, but either way, he was having the time of his life.
Flame, on the other hand, was not having fun at all.
“BRO, LIKE BRO, HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU LITERALLY JUST CHANGED YOUR SHOES AND CLOTHES, HOW ARE YOU ACTUALLY BETTER NOW??? BRO, YOU’RE CHEATING!!!”
Wemmbu hovered at the peak of his aerial ascent and stuck out his tongue before twisting his body into another diving position, holding Gambit high with both hands. The last thing Flame remembered seeing before he blacked out was Wemmbu’s smug grin as he smashed the blaze’s skull open with his mace.
…
“Yo, Flame.”
Flame groaned. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.
“Flaeeemmmmmmmeeeeee…” Wemmbu shook him roughly by the shoulder, causing him to wince and roll up tighter into a ball.
“Bro, wake up. You’ve been out cold the whole day.”
With difficulty, Flame cracked his eyes open and squinted up at Wemmbu, who was leaning over him with a sheepish look on his face.
“Hey so… sorry about that…”
Flame put his middle finger up at him.