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[Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov sit in chairs in the Ottawa Centaurs locker room. Behind them several of their teammates, including Luca Haas, Troy Barrett, Zane Boodram, Wyatt Hayes, Evan Dykstra, Nick Chouinard, Tanner Dillon, and several rookies stand behind them. Shane sits with his arms crossed in the chair, looking slightly uncomfortable, while Ilya appears relaxed with his legs spread wide as he smiles at Shane. Harris Drover's voice can be heard behind the camera.]
Harris: Alright, everyone, I'm going to ask you questions about who is more likely to do something between Shane and Ilya, and then you'll move behind the one you think the statement most matches, and if you think it equally applies, you can stand in the middle. Sound good?
[There's a chorus of agreement, except for one loud, 'no' from Shane, and Zane playfully ruffles his hair causing Shane to blush, his scowl lightening slightly.]
Harris: Great! Okay, here's the first question. Who is most likely to bail you out of jail?
[All the men move behind Ilya very quickly except for Luca who very timidly goes to stand behind Shane with his arms behind his back and his head slightly tucked down.]
Zane: Haas, seriously? You really think Hollander is going to bail you out of jail?
[Luca nods and adjusts his glasses.]
Luca: I mean, if I'm in jail, I'm guessing Ilya is there, too, so it makes sense Shane would bail me out.
[All the men nod and agree with various 'Fuck, that's a good point,' and 'Why didn't I think of that?' echo in the room while Ilya laughs openly as Shane shrugs his shoulders smugly. Several of the men start to move behind Shane, when Ilya turns to him and speaks.]
Ilya: You really think if I am in jail that you will have escaped and not be in there with me?
[Shane is quiet for a moment, his face concentrated in thought before he finally shrugs again, but this time it looks more defeated.]
Shane: Yeah, you're probably right.
Evan: What, so we're all just fucked then?
[Shane smiles warmly at Ilya before he looks straight ahead.]
Shane: Pretty much.
Harris: Who is the most competitive?
[All the men groan and move toward the middle and Ilya looks behind him. When he turns back, there's an insulted look on his face.]
Ilya: He is much worse than me, you all are delusional.
[Shane snorts and sinks further down into his chair, rolling his eyes.]
Shane: Right, you keep telling yourself that.
Zane: Do we need to remind you about the last game night we had at your house?
[Troy's eyes go wide, and Wyatt visibly shivers, while Luca looks haunted at the mention of it.]
Troy: I thought we agreed we weren't going to speak of that ever again.
Shane: You might have agreed to that, but I didn't, and I was fucking right, and you all know it.
Ilya: That's debatable.
Shane: Oh, is it? Do we need to consult the Uno rulebook again?
Ilya: Please, as if I need a fucking rulebook to tell me how to play a game.
Shane: Uh, yeah, you do. That's the whole point of a rulebook, Ilya. The way you play is cheating and you know it.
Ilya: Sounds like something a loser would say.
[Luca begins to breathe in deeply through his nose, and Wyatt pats his arm as Shane and Ilya continue to argue.]
Luca: I'm having flashbacks.
Wyatt: Uh, Harris, maybe we can wrap this one up? I think it's pretty clear we have our answer.
Harris: Who is most likely to talk about hockey at a team gathering?
[Every team member quickly moves behind Shane.]
Shane: They're all behind me, aren't they?
[Ilya doesn't turn around. He just smiles and nods while Shane sighs while the men catcall and yell behind them in support.]
Shane: You know what? That's fair.
[Ilya reaches over and gently rubs circles on Shane's knee, a fond expression on his face.]
Ilya: Never change, my love.
Shane: Not sure I could if I tried at this point.
Harris: Who is most likely to take over the stereo in the locker room?
[The men all shift to Ilya's side, and Ilya nods.]
Ilya: I do this for their own good. Otherwise Shane would have us listening to white noise.
Shane: Hey, white noise has been scientifically proven to help you focus and reduce stress.
Ilya: Then why are you still a ball of stress?
[Shane reaches over and swats at Ilya's arm.]
Shane: Fuck off.
Troy: Yeah, I don't know, man. I've done yoga with you a bunch and the white noise hasn't helped me focus at all. I almost found it more distracting.
[Ilya turns to glare at him, and Troy shrinks back a bit. Zane and Evan can be heard snickering.]
Ilya: Right, I'm sure that was the distracting thing for you.
Harris: Who is most likely to not answer a text message?
[Once again, all the men shift to stand behind Shane, who is already nodding his head in agreement.]
Shane: Yeah, that's definitely me.
Wyatt: Not going to lie, when he does answer, it feels pretty damn good.
Evan: Yeah, that thumbs up reaction I got the other day was a real highlight.
Troy: He gave me a laughing emoji on a meme I sent him once and it was one of the best days of my life.
Nick: I received a 'feel better' with an exclamation point when I missed dinner the other night because of a headache. I nearly passed away.
[An overly innocent smile lifts at the corners of Ilya's mouth as he listens to his teammates.
Ilya: So strange. He always answers me.
Zane: Yeah, real fucking weird, Roz. Can't imagine why Shane answers all of your texts. What a mystery.
[Ilya cups his hands over his mouth and dramatically whispers, still loud enough for everyone to hear.]
Ilya: It's because he loves me the most.
Harris: Who is most likely to be found napping in the locker room before a game?
[No one moves, every team member still standing behind Shane.]
Zane: This man is a napping champion.
Wyatt: Yeah, he's asleep on Roz before we take off on every flight.
Luca: I've seen him asleep on Captain's shoulder at the bar before.
Zane: He winds up asleep on Roz's lap at nearly every one of my barbecues.
Evan: He an Roz rode to dinner with Caitlin and I once, and he sat in the middle seat in the back so he could lean on Roz and nap the whole way there.
Troy: Yeah, every time we go to the movies, he always winds up lifting the armrest up and laying on Roz.
Shane: You all make it sound like I just sleep all the time, which definitely isn't true. Besides, I never used to even take naps until…
[He trails off and bites his lip, and Ilya looks at him in question, his head slightly tilted to the side.]
Ilya: Until what?
[Shane gives him a knowing look, his eyes rolling affectionately.]
Shane: I never took naps until I married you.
[There's a unison 'aw' that goes out from everyone behind them, and Ilya's small smile grows into something nearly blinding. He chest puffs out a bit and he sits straighter in his chair.]
Shane: Don't get a big head about it or anything.
Ilya: Too late.
Harris: Who is most likely to argue with a ref during a game?
[Again, every stays put on Shane's side.]
Wyatt: Arguing with a ref? Definitely Shane. Rage-baiting them? Definitely Roz.
Zane: Yeah, if we want to talk about who's more likely to end up in the box talking to a ref that's an entirely different question.
[They all laugh, and it's Shane's turn to look at his husband with an almost exaggerated fondness.]
Shane: We balance each other out.
Ilya: That we do.
Harris: Who is most likely to bring home a stray animal?
[The move of the team to Ilya's side is so quick, Luca stumbles in his haste and has to grip Zane's arm to keep himself from falling.]
Ilya: I know you are all standing behind me, but the joke is on you, because Shane has actually brought home more stray animals than me.
Shane: I don't really think this counts.
[Everyone except Shane and Ilya looks confused.]
Troy: You have another pet?
Shane: I mean I wouldn't really call them pets. I went to go get dog food, and someone had abandoned a couple of guppies outside the pet store. They were going to dump them, so I said I'd take them. It's not that big of a deal.
Evan: Someone dumped fish?
Ilya: Yes, and now Shane spends all day staring at them swim around.
Shane: I don't spend anymore time watching Salmon and Gillfunkle than you do watching Anya on the iPad when we're on the road.
Wyatt: I'm sorry, did you just say Salmon and Gillfunkle?
[A blush creeps up Shane's face as he nods.]
Shane: My dad named them.
Harris: Who is most likely to survive in the wilderness?
[Some of the men immediately move to Shane's side, while others appear to think for a bit before they ultimately also move away from Ilya who glances behind him and appears hurt that everyone seems to think his husband is better suited for survival.]
Ilya: This is so wrong, it's insulting. I am rugged! Big strong person who carries a lighter in their pocket at all times to start a fire if need be.
Troy: Is the fire you're talking about the cigarettes you claim you don't smoke or…?
Wyatt: No offense, Roz, but I think you're just a little too high maintenance to survive out there for too long.
Ilya: I spend plenty of time outdoors!
Shane: Yeah, laying in the sun, playing with the dog, and watching me do yoga.
Ilya: Oh, so, what enjoying a view, playing with my child and getting some vitamin D is a crime now?
Evan: Remember when I wanted to take you on that fly fishing trip? You told me you were allergic to river water.
Nick: And I asked if you wanted to come play at the park with me and the kids, and you asked me if the park was outside, and when I told you yes, you just texted me a sad face.
Shane: Is this a good time to bring up the fact that I asked you if you wanted to go camping last week, and you said, 'why the fuck would I want to do that?'
[Ilya glares at Shane and purses his lips before he turns back toward the camera.]
Ilya: You are all dead to me.
Zane: About as dead as you'd be in the wilderness.
[One corner of Ilya's mouth quirks up, though he continues to look disgruntled, as he raises his hands to flip off his teammates behind him.]
Harris: Who is most likely to be a passenger princess on a long car ride?
[The whole team moves back to Ilya's side, and he continues to look annoyed.]
Wyatt: I don't think I've ever seen Roz driving since you two got married.
Shane: To be fair, it's not really his choice.
[Ilya rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, looking very much like Shane had at the beginning of the video.]
Ilya: You have to go to traffic court one time for going 150 on the highway and suddenly you're not trustworthy.
Shane: Play stupid games, win stupid prizes or whatever that saying is.
Ilya: I don't want to drive your boring car anyway.
Shane: I'll remind you you said that next time you're enjoying the massage seats in my boring car after a long practice.
Ilya: Hopefully you will also play some white noise so I can focus on exactly what you're saying while I get my massage in your boring car.
Shane: Asshole.
Ilya: Mmm, yes, but I am your asshole. I have a very fancy piece of legal paperwork that proves it.
[Shane's annoyed face melts into something soft as he glances down to the ring on his finger and then over to the matching one on Ilya's hand.]
Harris: And finally, who is most likely to show PDA in the locker room?
[All the men move in to the dead center while Shane turns to Ilya, and Ilya suddenly no longer looks even remotely upset.
Zane: If you'd asked me six months ago, my answer would have been Roz, but now? Both of them!
Luca: Yes, both.
Evan: It'd be easier to tell you when they're not touching each other.
Troy: I think this video might be a record, actually.
Wyatt: We love that they're comfortable enough to express that around us. It's relentlessly beautiful.
[Shane's blush returns, as he and Ilya hold each other's gazes, and the men behind them begin to call for them to kiss.]
Ilya: Harris, I think we are about to make-out in another one of your videos.
Harris: I'm kind of counting on it for engagement, actually. It's why I saved this one for last.
[Ilya scoots his chair over, moving into Shane's space until their noses touch.]
Ilya: Who are we to disappoint the algorithm?
Shane: Sorry in advance everyone.
[They close the remaining distance between them, and their teammates cheer. But the kiss goes on so long, the men begin to leave one by one, until only Troy lingers watching them closely, causing Harris to appear from behind the camera, grabbing his boyfriend's arm and pulling him from the room.]
@centaurshockey Don't be the most likely to miss our next game against Boston! Tickets available now 🏒
Posted March 14 at 3:20 PM
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@censfan90 Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander not kissing in a video- challenge level: impossible
@theblackandred I love how united everyone was on their answers. This team knows each other and it shows ❤️
@zamboney why are they everything important in this world?
@centeroftherink I hate how parasocial they make me, and yes, it's absolutely their fault and not mine.
@hockeywhore Salmon and Gillfunkle dedicated Instagram account incoming when?
@nthecrease @hockeywhore I'm more concerned about when the dual yoga video with @realshanehollander and @troybarretthockey is dropping
@troybarretthockey I would let you know, but he's not answering my text ☹️☹️☹️☹️
@wyatthayes @realshanehollander answer @troybarretthockey 's text
@b00dramzane @realshanehollander Troy is trying to reach you by text. Seems pretty important.
@evandykstra @realshanehollander most likely to leave you on read when it really matters
@lucahaas @realshanehollander I don't want to shame you, I just feel a lot of pressure from everyone else right now, and I'm easily influenced so.
@nickchouinard @realshanehollander Shaaaannneeeee. Answer your texxtttssssssssss.
@realshanehollander Fuck this, I'm going to take a nap. @ilyarozanov81 come downstairs, please.
@ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander OMW sweetheart ❤️🥱😴😘😘😘😘😘😘❤️❤️❤️❤️🍆🍑