Work Text:
Jared Hopworth
On the first day of Christmas, Jonathan gave to me
A rib I yanked out while he screamed
Archivist
No, let me go! OW!
Michael
On the second day of Christmas, Jonathan gave to me
Two near-death moments
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I yanked out while he screamed
Archivist
Please, no!
Jude
On the third day of Christmas, Jonathan gave to me
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death moments
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I yanked out while he screamed
Narrator
On the fourth season of Christmas, Jon I bestowed on thee
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death moments
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I yanked out while he screamed
Annabelle Cane
On the fifth day of Christmas, Jonathan gave to me -
Jane Prentiss
Five million worms!
Annabelle
Uhm, what?
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death moments
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I yanked out while he screamed
Jess Tyrell
After six months of trauma, I started healing finally -
Then he re-traumatized me!
Annabelle
Five seasons of puppeteering
Jane (concurrent)
Five million worms!
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death moments
Jared Hopworth
And I rib I yanked out while he screamed
Daisy
On the seventh month of hunting, heh,
I pinned him ‘gainst a tree
Then I slit his throat
Jess Tyrell
Good! He traumatized me!
Annabelle
(trying to keep this mess together) Five seasons of trauma
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death experiences
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I ripped out while he screamed
Archivist
I don’t much like this song, okay?
Nikola
On the eighth day of torment, Jonathan gave to me
An awful lot of wriggling
Archivist
I told you I hate lotion!
Daisy
Should have pinned him better
Jess Tyrell
Yah you really should have
Annabelle
Five seasons of -
Jane (interrupting)
FIVE MILLION WORMS!
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death experiences
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I ripped out while he screamed
Hey, Jon, can I have another?
Archivist
NO!
Peter
For nine months I stole Martin and turned him Lone-ly
To finish dooming Jon
Nikola
How much did he wriggle?
Daisy
Not much when it was me
Jess
Wish you’d stabbed him harder
Annabelle
Five seasons of pup-
Jane
FIVE TRILLION WORMS!
Archivist
Wasn’t it five million earlier?
Martin
Beats me
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death -
Jude (interrupting)
Think I’m going to do it again
Jared Hopworth
And a rib -
Archivist (interrupting)
(screams)
Martin
Hey! No! We’re just singing a Christmas carol there’s no reason to resort to maiming -
Melanie
On the tenth day back from his coma, Jonathan gave to me
Trauma so I stabbed him
Peter
Probably should have stopped that
Martin
(furious) Yah, you really should have!
Nikola
Ooh, how much did he squirm?
Daisy
You’re lucky Basira caught me
Jess
She should have let you at him
Annnabelle
(come on, everyone! Get it together!) Five seasons of puppeteering
Jane
WORMS! I LOVE WORMS!
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Followed by a new three seconds
Michael
Two near-death experiences
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I ripped out while he screamed
Elias
On the eleventh hour of my life, my Archivist gave to me
(triumphant) An apocalypse!
Archivist
Elias, you weren’t dying!
Martin
Yah, don’t be so dramatic!
Melanie
That goes for you too, Jon!
Peter
(to Martin) Still can’t believe you tricked me
Nikola
Drama’s fine if you’re screaming
Daisy
Just no words allowed
Jess
Please, just don’t talk to me
Annabelle
Five -
Jane
WORMS! WORMS! WORMS!
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death experiences
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I ripped out while he screamed
Martin
(quietly) On the twelfth month I knew him,
I loved him already
Archivist
Really? I accused you of murder
Martin
Yah it was pretty hot
Elias
I liked the paranoia
Melanie
Really? ‘Cause I didn’t
Peter
Better than a liar
Martin
Get over it already!
Nikola
Think I’d rather get under his skin
(collective groan)
Daisy
Heh, that’s actually kind of funny
Jess
Unlike the creeper in the corner!
Annabelle
(sighs) go ahead, Jane
Jane
WORMS WORMS WORMS!!!!!!!!!!!
Narrator
Four angry sapphics
Jude
Three seconds of burning
Michael
Two near-death experiences
Jared Hopworth
And a rib I ripped out while he
(chorus)
Screamed!
(cheers)
Archivist
…
Martin
Want to go home now, Jon?
Archivist
… Yah.
Annabelle
How did you like your song?
Archivist
…
Martin
Mr. Archivist doesn’t like it.
Archivist
(snickering)
Annabelle
Touché