Archive of Our Own

mondstadt city had been a quiet place for the past many days.

rumors had spread far and wide about the horrific tragedy that had occurred precisely a fortnight ago. although not much information was available to the citizens of the city or the nation, people had been discussing it among themselves ever since that fateful night, even having word spread all the way to dornman port. everyone knew vice-captain lohen, particularly around dornman port where he had previously been stationed, and everyone knew of the attack on him months prior at the hands of abyssal monsters, who'd apparently been lurking not too far away from the city gates. while he was recovering, there were whispers of a woman clad in a cloak with abyssal hands, who was led into the city by the honorary knight. and furthermore, these whispers also carried words of lohen's involvement with the woman whose goal had allegedly been to provide additional healing for the man.

the woman waiting behind the sign with her usual friend group further spread these rumors, a delighted smile adorning her face as her friends peered at her with obvious interest. she would tell them all about how the same monsters would aim to launch an attack at the city, only to be swiftly handled by the identical woman. nobody really knew much of her, she told her friends, but people were wary of her and her associations. after all, someone whose hands were shaped from the very same power corrupting these monsters couldn't really be someone with righteous intentions, she would argue. her husband had been one of the folks who'd seen the woman guard the city, and despite his insistence that this unknown woman was not some monster, this woman merely could not understand her husband's train of thought.

"because someone like that is obviously evil, y'know?" she and her friends settled down at a café in the middle of the port, swiftly ordering their beverages of choice. the woman wasn't used to being the one with all the gossip, but today, all eyes were on her as she told her friends all about the rumors she'd been hearing around the city in which she resided. "but that's not even the craziest part!"

because precisely fourteen nights ago, another commotion had rattled through the warm and inviting city of mondstadt. several horses went galloping out of the city late in the evening, startling just about anyone who was outside, either headed home, or enjoying the night breeze, or perhaps even indulging in a drink after a long day of work. but what really attracted such attention to this was the people who'd been responsible for this commotion—seeing some of the most prominent figures in mondstadt such as company captains, alongside the acting grandmaster and grandmaster rushing away so rowdily was sure to have people curious. especially when they would return with the body of a woman held tightly in lohen's embrace, his face a magnificent display of sorrow and silent fury, as he was surrounded by stoic-faced support. the rumors were unclear, as nobody truly knew what had happened that night, but what was known was that lohen and that same woman were at the center of this once more.

but with so many days having passed and some of the lower-ranked knights being perhaps too boisterous in their dislike for the woman, the folks curious about the commotion no longer needed to rely on baseless rumors and imaginative speculations, for the drunken knights were all too eager to dish out the newest gossip in the bars. the woman told her friends all about the young witch who lived in the forest near the very port, where they were currently sipping their fruity teas and working through plates of sweet treats. she told them how nobody knew how the young woman and lohen had met, but allegedly he would always head towards the forest after his shifts, headed for the woman's home.

"i never knew vice-captain lohen was actually capable of caring for another person," one of the woman's friends laughed loudly, clearly amused by her own words. "he just seems so violent, so weird."

so the woman continued her tale, waving her hands around with big gestures and even wider eyes, as she told them all about how lohen's encounter with the abyssal monsters had led him to refuse any care from anyone who wasn't her. she told them all about how just one fortnight ago, something horrible had happened in the forest where she lived, but no ordinary person knew what. none of the knights beyond the company captains and the two leaders knew what had actually happened, and it seemed that they intended to keep it this way, but alas, the people were intrigued. lohen had not been spotted ever since he was seen carrying the body of his lover into the headquarters, rumors stating that his face was stained with dried tears and residue soot. the drunken knights had let their loose lips reveal that you were in a precarious state and that lohen had refused to leave your side, perpetually found seated outside your treatment room until the day the medics finished. ever since that day, no knight below a captain had seen the vice-captain, much less heard anything from him.

"i think she's dead," the woman exclaimed with a careless shrug, not bothering to even mimic any sort of remorse for the words she was saying, instead taking a sip of her tea. she and her husband had been comparing notes ever since that night, unveiling all the new information they'd learned from their peers or through the grapevine and debating which scenario was likely to be the correct one. "and he can't accept it. that's why he's cooped up in her room, never seen by anyone."

behind them, hiding behind a newspaper far too wide for her arms yet keeping her inconspicuous to the women whose conversation she was eavesdropping on, was klee. her eyes had widened beyond belief, and her jaw was slack, working hard to remember all the things she'd just heard, committing them to her memory. next to her, a newer face in mondstadt appeared just as distraught at the things they'd overheard from the gossiping women. the two didn't know anything that had been happening, and whenever they'd tried to lure answers from any of the adults, mainly kaeya or albedo, they'd been assured that everything was fine and that they shouldn't be worried about adult matters.

but now they knew. they knew why the adults kept refusing klee from running back into the forest, from returning to your warm and comforting home. they now understood why durin's questions about you were met with false assurances, promising him that he'd get to see you soon but that you weren't available right now. and most importantly, they now knew why they hadn't seen lohen around and why the adults would be hesitant to leave the headquarters. even alice had swung by the other day, a grim smile painted across her face as she conversed with jean and eula. her smile had become a whole lot brighter when she had spotted her darling daughter, but nevertheless, when klee asked to see you again, wanting to know the progress on that potion you'd promised her, the woman merely patted klee's head and promised that she'd see you soon.

"they hurt miss witch?" klee questioned with tears brimming in her eyes, face buried in her hands and crouching behind a tree, as durin awkwardly ran his hand along her spine in an effort to calm her down, but feeling every bit as perplexed. "but why? why would anyone hurt her? she's so nice and pretty, and her home smells really nice."

durin didn't have an answer for the poor child whose lively disposition had become gloomy, trying his very best to make sense of the situation himself. the women hadn't explained what had happened to you, exactly, but something in his mind kept repeating the part of lohen having soot on him. the pyro user hadn't seen you that night either, having been fast asleep in his room, but he knew that albedo had been all over the place the next few days, as had the other knights. he'd been asked to return to dragonspine to help with research, as klee was sent with him, but that odd request was beginning to make sense to him. perhaps the adults didn't want him or klee to know about what had happened to you, electing to send both away from the repercussions of an unprovoked attack.

"klee wants to go check on miss witch's home," the little girl stated determinedly, lifting her head to meet durin's face.

in her eyes burned a fire of resistance, of anger and anguish—something durin knew was most likely mirrored on his own. so despite knowing that they shouldn't go, knowing that they should promptly return to the city and demand answers to the things they'd just heard, durin let his fingers curl around klee's as the two pyro wielders rushed through the forest. they both were concluding that they almost certainly wouldn't like what they found, but in this moment, that simply did not matter to them. if they wanted to know what was going on, they would just have to find their own answers. even through trembling thoughts and teary eyes, the two didn't stop moving until they finally reached your home.

or where your home should have been.

but alas, they weren't alone. as klee's eyes wandered the burned remains of your home, her hands clasped over her mouth and tears streaming down her pale face, a hand landed on her head. the other landed on the head of the boy whose hands had gone limp by his sides, hanging uselessly as his eyes scanned the entire grounds, a place where your home used to stand but had now been covered in charred grass and piles of burned wood, most likely from your home.

"you weren't supposed to know," varka said with a lack of the characteristic playfulness, sighing to himself as he saw the horrified and woeful expressions on their faces. the tears were streaming freely, and the man couldn't help but crouch down, pulling both children into a hug, and even if they'd usually refuse, both merely melted into his broad chest. a pair of heads landed on his shoulders, and varka merely held both, letting his comforting hands hold the backs of their quivering heads as both cried into him, questions and distress lingering in the air. he knew they could no longer keep this secret from these two, but he also didn't wish for them to know the details, for they were unsettling, and varka never wanted to strip any child of their innocence or their trust in their own people. "but let's get back to hq, okay? i'll tell you everything."

the other captains had been gathered into a small room and left to devise a plan, one that entailed not letting durin or klee learn of your current state or what had actually happened. they didn't need to taint the children's perspective of the people whom they'd interacted with before, nor did they need to plant seeds of discord and distrust in these children. this was an adult matter and would remain one. that was something they were all aware of, which is why varka was rapid in sending off one of the knights, merely telling him that he needed to gather the other captains and jean with the message 'situation c has occurred'. this was the captains' established code: the children had learned something they weren't meant to, which required an emergency gathering to hastily concoct a truthful but censored and slightly altered version of the events. but upon arrival, varka was surprised to see that not only was alice present, already holding her arms out for her daughter, but that barbatos himself, now going by venti, was present as well.

the conclusion was that the children didn't need to hear the truth. they didn't need to know that a group had formed their own twisted beliefs about you and your intentions, deluding themselves into believing that if they did not eliminate you, then all of mondstadt would be in grave danger. they didn't need to be told how a group consistently feeding into each other's delusions and reliance on fiction rather than fact had all culminated once they saw you in the city, hand in hand with klee. that that sight alone had somehow convinced the culprits that you were somehow becoming more comfortable coming to the city, which meant that you were somehow closer to launching some form of coordinated attack on the city. the plan to burn down your home and hopefully take you out in the process came to them on that same day. it was simple, really. launch an attack at night, start the fire, and pray they made it away before you had a chance to counter them. but unfortunately for you and luckily for them, you did not hold an affinity for harming people, even if they aimed to harm you, so they escaped with their lives, and you were left for dead.

well, until lohen eventually got his hands on them and forced a confession from each and every single one through various means of torture, jotting it down in files, before he'd ultimately end their miserable lives. those files were what enlightened the others to the motives behind this crime, outlining how they'd been having troubling conversations and suspicions about you from early on but merely felt a need to act on it on that particular evening.

but the version told to durin and klee was different, painting everything to be more of an accident rather than a calculating and vile murder attempt on the life of an innocent woman, who bothered absolutely nobody yet continuously provided the city and its inhabitants with beneficial and extraordinary potions. the very moment varka was back at the headquarters, he was met by the other captains and jean already ready in his office, sharing silent glances of understanding among them. klee was already bundled in her mother's arms, the woman taking a seat on the couch as she pulled durin down with her. after all, they needed to make sure the two were calm and comfortable, alice thought to herself as she let her hand stroke over both their heads.

lisa was standing in her corner, her arms crossed as she let out a sigh. as a witch herself, albeit a different kind from you, she knew that people were already wary of witches as a whole. to this day, some older folk would cast terrified or indignant glares in her direction, as they often did with alice when she was around or even mentioned. but unlike herself and alice, you were someone whose powers had become fueled by a source of evil, whose very being became associated with the biggest fear of ordinary citizens. however, none of the knights nor lisa were willing to put down all of their guards and award you with the same level of trust as they awarded each other. lohen's relationship with you was definitely a turning point, though, especially his fierce and oppressive love for you. but none could deny that you having earned alice's trust was nothing to scoff at, nor was the fact that barbatos hadn't made any moves to shed clarity on any ulterior motives you may have, instead allowing you to reside in his land peacefully… well, until now.

most of them didn't even know that durin had known about you, none but alice and albedo. it had been a coincidence at best, really.

durin hadn't meant to be out so late and especially not so far away from the city, but he'd been asked to go search for windrest flowers for a new dish that could potentially have an alchemical importance. albedo had returned to the city earlier and asked durin to return to the camp just outside dragonspine as soon as possible, but the young dragon had gotten distracted, as he'd been to this area before. falling asleep in the forest was dumb, he knew that, but he hadn't gotten much rest the night before, and the grass just seemed so plush, the sun beaming down upon the greenery. but durin's nap would be interrupted by the howls of monsters, sending the young boy into a state of panic as he shot up, remembering that he hadn't brought his weapon with him. yet as his eyes shot open, ready to face a poor situation, his breath was caught in his chest after seeing the bodies of slain monsters all around him, abyssal energy oozing from the sharp slices perfectly cut through their chests.

"you're awake," a soothing voice from behind durin stated, halting the boy in whatever movement he was going to make. if this person had been able to effortlessly slay all of these vicious monsters and wield the power of the abyss, he didn't see this panning out well for him. perhaps the individual had been able to sense the abyss within him; perhaps they even had ulterior motives, but all durin could think about was not letting that bubble of power within surge—he could not tap into his abyssal energy no matter what. "i have no intentions of hurting you."

but how was durin supposed to believe that? he could not even see the person speaking to him, let alone make a decision to trust them blindly. ever since he'd gained this human form, he had been attempting to learn as much about humans as possible, but this was one of those situations where he just had no clue what to do. his heart was racing in his chest, sweat dripping down his back in thick swells as he tried his hardest to assess this situation as quickly as possible. albedo would be exceedingly disappointed in durin if he knew about this, but furthermore, the young dragon was pretty sure that above all, hat guy would absolutely lose his mind if he knew that durin had taken a nap in the middle of an unknown forest without his weapon.

into his view came a woman, catching durin off guard as she held a tall scythe in her hands, brimming with stars beneath the rapidly darkening sky above them. he could feel that his own hands were trembling with sharp fear, his legs pulled into his chest as his breathing picked up. she was going to kill him; he was sure of it. someone like her with such a magnificent weapon, her face unclear due to the sharp shadows, with so much power radiating off her, was not someone to mess with. she certainly wasn't someone he could defeat, remarkably worsening his odds due to the lack of his usual sword. perhaps he could summon some form of aid from his pyro vision, fire off some sort of fire bullets at her, or maybe create a ring of fire, but a nagging voice in the back of his head kept screaming at him, begging him to break away from his spiral. because as his eyes darted away from her, desperately searching for some sort of weapon to grab or perhaps something to burn, a pang of familiarity shot through his heart, buzzing all the way down to his fingertips. the abyssal energy he was sensing from the monsters wasn't theirs but rather seemingly stemmed from the crescent-shaped weapon in your hands. his red eyes snapped up to meet yours, only to find that your weapon was no longer in your hands, nor was it anywhere else to be seen.

"i understand that you are afraid. but i simply wanted to ensure that none of the monsters caused you any harm while you were asleep."

perhaps it was durin's newfound place in the world but he didn't seem to feel that sense of distrust that someone else might feel, when facing a powerful potential foe who was able to radiate so much aura even without any vision attached to your person. there was still apprehension brewing in his stomach, and the trembling in his hands was still rattling his very person, but as he stared up at you with terrified eyes and his heart's pounding echoing through his ears, he didn't feel as if he needed to be scared for his life. your eyes were unlike anything he'd ever seen before, but despite the abyssal mark having become part of your literal eye, the young dragon didn't sense any hostility present in your eyes.

"w-who are you?" he had questioned you with a pit in his stomach and every hair on his body standing upright.

to his surprise, you didn't move towards him at all; instead, you took a few steps back. this was confusing to him, for he would assume that someone with powers like yours, especially someone with abyssal ties, would jump at the chance to perhaps attempt to corrupt him or force him to come with you against his will. but nothing of the sort happened. instead, you began to back into the treeline with that same neutral expression, a lingering sense of worry hanging over him from your sharp gaze. "you should make your way towards the city before the moon sets and more monsters begin to surface. i have taken care of any monsters in the area, so you should not encounter any on the way out," and then you disappeared. yet as durin grabbed a hold of his bag full of flowers that were still unharmed, he could almost feel your presence lurking in the forest around him, as if you were ensuring his safe passage through the forest.

durin never saw you again until lohen would drag you into the headquarters one day, his face having broken into a teasing grin and yours fashioned in a neutral expression. your eyes met durin's eyes, and he knew in that very moment that you'd recognized him, but in that same moment, his feet froze halfway through the door leading to the library as his heart began racing again. deep down in his stomach, his body remembered that you had saved his life—that you had come out and slain every monster near him and that you'd made sure he made it out safely. but that didn't hinder his mind from tapping back into that field of alert, setting his nerves on fire as he struggled between fearing you and trying to not be affected by your presence. and perhaps you felt that; perhaps you saw it. durin wasn't sure, but he would never be able to forget the way you'd immediately averted your eyes, picking up the pace of your steps and letting lohen drag you away.

he would later ask around, nervously and acting as if he just saw you outside for the first time, and learn from albedo that you were some sort of natural witch whose past many years had been spent alone in the woods. the alchemist didn't shovel out too many details, but he did methodically walk durin through how you became a known variable, having been brought in during lohen's injuries by the traveler herself. he would tell durin about your abyssal association, or at least the little they knew, and advise the young dragon to retain a distance as they still didn't know you. kaeya would come to hang out at the laboratory on the second floor, elaborating on the matter as he explained to durin how nobody even knew about you until lohen's incident. since that day it had more or less been an open secret within the organization that you and lohen were involved, but nobody knew more details than that, and it would stay that way.

"i am relieved to see that you made it back again safely." your voice was still quite subdued, durin thought to himself, when the two of you accidentally met in the hallway again. you were headed back into lohen's office, a cloak thrown over your head and face but now pulled back every so slightly, eyes focusing on the boy.

he was the one who had called for you, leading you to halt in your tracks and turn to face him. that same fear was still attempting to take ahold of him, but whether that were his abyssal connection sensing yours or his own fear of the unknown, he did not know. for the love of barbatos, he still struggled with navigating conversations with the same people with whom he spent all his days, so sparking a conversation with someone new, particularly with someone like you who still remained a mystery to the knights, was daunting for him. but with one deep breath and a mental reassurance, he'd actually been able to open this conversation. "i did, yes. well, the knights at the camp weren't very pleased with me because i was really late, but i, uhm… i wanted to say thank you… miss?" he cringed inwardly at the impolite manner of ending his sentence, unsure of how to even address you.

"it is not safe to be in that forest without a weapon. i would urge you to be more careful next time."

that conversation ended right there, all because lohen slammed open the door and forced you in before he could even think to say something again. but in that very second before you vanished from durin's sight, he would catch your eyes watching him with a small sparkle in them, and he just knew that you had recognized similar powers coursing through his veins. yet unlike the abyss and its nature to corrode and corrupt, the two of you were still standing tall, never letting that power reign victorious. and a small smile spread on durin's face, for with all the new people he had been meeting and with all the new social norms he was having to learn, it was nice having had a brief conversation with someone whose tone remained firm and whose words carried the exact meaning they were meant to. and maybe within his mind, he found that knowing he wasn't the only one constantly keeping that darkness at bay was comforting.

so durin had never known you personally, but archons know that his heart had resonated with words spoken by that lady early. because if he were not given the benefit of the doubt, then he wouldn't be living in the city, either. despite the cover story the adults told them, the young dragon knew better, for he knew that these people only aimed to protect him and klee, while the woman back at the café held no such ambitions; it was a given that her story had made more sense, even if durin didn't want to believe it. klee would go on and on about you, despite never having met you and knowing you until that day. she had been hearing stories about you from alice and even a few from lohen whenever the two were put in solitary confinement together, so durin had entertained many of her excited rants about meeting you someday. sometimes she would even drag him into the forest, hiding amidst the trees and bushes as they observed you strolling around in your garden, picking flowers, feeding your pets, or even having a meal. she would often express her excitement to meet a witch like you, and somehow deep down, the boy felt the same way.

but now that wouldn't happen. and even with alice's comforting hand petting over his head, he could feel sadness pooling in his gut. he didn't know what to think or who to blame, but he just knew that he wished for you to recover soon, regardless of who was telling the truth. he didn't think he was grown enough to openly question the adults around him, for they had been so caring and kind to him, something he would never be able to forget. of course, they wouldn't be lying to them if they did not feel that it was necessary, so durin let all the thoughts drift away as he tuned back into the conversation happening around them.

lisa's eyes had been transfixed on the young dragon all this while, seeing those red eyes widen numerous times, as if he were working through something in his own mind. she knew that he, who was curious and oddly observant, had most likely realized what was happening and also come to understand that they were being fed a rather decorated version of the current situation, but as his eyes returned with their natural shimmer of vitality, she smiled to herself. he truly was becoming so mature, she thought to herself, nodding slightly. klee's eyes had glazed over but she was nodding along to everything and somehow deep down, lisa could surmise that if she really thought it all through, then even the little trouble maker would be able to piece together the true events. however, these were also the times when the librarian thanked the archons above that klee wasn't just emotionally intelligent but a total mommy's girl, hanging onto alice's every word and reassurance with an unshakeable glint in her teary eyes.

you had always been a mystery to lisa, for she did not know you even in the slightest. after the events of lohen being injured and rushed back only to refuse any treatment that wasn't from his forest bunny with the starry hands, they had all come to know of you in terms of rumors alone, but the librarian did not just have any reason to encounter you, nor did she have any reason for seeking you out—not that anyone really did beyond lohen, varka, the traveler, or alice. anything and everything she knew came from conversations with the other knights or jean, mostly the latter. she had told lisa about the days when lohen was injured, the way you'd fussed over and handled him so delicately, never taking the time to spare the effort. lisa had been briefed about how lohen clung to you like a kitten, launching teasing comments at you any chance he got and never wanting to be apart, behaving in a manner that none of them had ever seen from the vice-captain.

sometimes she'd stand in the building and witness as you would sneak into the city with a basket, delivering the potions with sneakiness in fear that someone might see you—that was also something new she'd learn: that the mystery potion-maker alice would commission was actually you, serving the city and its people. she would always be told different things from the others, but some things never changed much: you were someone who'd fallen into the abyss at a young age and somehow made your way out with severe changes to your appearance, possessing a neutral but awkward tone with a tendency to isolate. the woman let out a sigh to herself, massaging her temples. she was doing too much thinking especially about a woman who'd yet to awake up from her injuries. yet another thought popped into her mind, especially as her observant eyes moved from the powerful witch before her to the bard clad in green, a somber expression on his face as he tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.

if neither the hexenzirkel nor barbatos were intervening to prevent your access to the city, its children, or its freedom, then who were they to cast doubt onto your character when they didn't actually know you?

✦

lohen could not remember the last time he had taken a proper breath, feeling the air fill up his stomach and provide his lungs with the oxygen they required to keep his mind and body alive, before exhaling it all to intake more. he could not seem to remember what the food he had eaten was, nor when he'd had any thought unfold within his expansive mind. his legs had surely gone numb the same way his back had grown accustomed to the poor position, which he had been folded into for days now, bordering on so many that he merely didn't know the count.

but then again, the knight found that nothing was coming together for him at the moment. one could ask him if it was day or night, and he would merely continue his lifeless staring, never once bothering to even pay attention, let alone look out the window next to him to check. for these stupid aspects of life did not matter to him.

the only one he cared about was currently lying lifeless on the bed in which he was sitting next to, his eyes locked on your unconscious form with severe circles of insomnia lingering around those dull and leaden eyes. the same one, usually so vividly crimson and vast with emotions beyond anyone's understanding, had become bland, a flat red engulfed in poignancy. his legs were pulled up against his chest, arms wrapped around his own shins as his chin rested on the sharp knees, never once removing his eyes from your form, for he refused to miss any detail about you.

fourteen nights ago precisely, you had been severely attacked and left to die in your own safe haven, wounded and burned, left alone once more. when lohen was permitted to enter the room that kept you safe, the one in which your life had been saved, he had immediately latched himself to your side and, to this day, had not moved an inch. any shower he took was taken in the bathroom connected with your room, the door kept wide open only so he could keep his heart appeased by keeping you in his sights. and really, he only ever found himself taking a shower whenever varka would enter, dragging lohen into the bathroom and commanding him to take one. it seemed that with half of his mind anchored within your resting body, some passive part of his brain still retained enough respect for the grandmaster to follow his orders. whenever he was forced to eat, the bowl would rest in his hand while the other lifted the spoon to his mouth, the boy chewing only a few bites before he pushed the meal away, all while never once letting his gaze drift from your form on the bed—the very same bed where lohen had been fighting for his life all of those months ago, when you'd similarly stayed by his side loyally, hoping for his recovery.

never did he imagine that the two of you would be back in this room, those same emotions tainting the air with their poison, but with the roles now reversed.

"it's like there's no life left in him," alice sighed to the man standing by her side as she leaned against the doorframe with a dark grimace on her face.

varka could not even bring himself to speak, nodding instead. your wounds had all healed in due time, not a single scar or wound left behind from that brutal attack, and even if he hadn't heard lohen's voice in a few days now, he knew that the young man would agree with varka's statement. for just like lohen, varka did not wish for you to carry the burdens of other people's sins on your person, haunting you in your dreams and painting untoward stories about you in other people's minds. your skin had paled in its state of recovery, having lost that glow he always noticed surrounding your person and adorning your skin, particularly around a certain mint-haired knight.

the older man held the title of grandmaster for a reason, however. even as he observed the blank haze having settled over his most mischievous knight's eyes, feeling a pang of sorrow course through his limbs at how lohen's one hand was still holding yours oh-so-tightly, letting his thumb caress the back of the soft skin in hopes that you'd be able to sense his touch, he had to apply rationality to this situation—or at least, apply as much as he could in a predicament as delicate and unheard of as this one. he had essentially gone against his duties as the grandmaster by not outwardly punishing lohen for the lives he had taken, even if everyone could agree that perhaps his reasoning wasn't all too ridiculous for once. yet he had to extend some level of covenant for the people who had lost their lives after an attempt made on yours.

they were scared. that was something that the man could concur with deep down in his gut: the fear of the unknown. they did not know you—nobody truly did apart from the man whose life had become intertwined with yours to such a degree that he was staring vacantly at your unconscious body. varka and his subordinates had graciously given lohen and his love for you the benefit of the doubt, but also due to no move of hostility from your end. in fact, the reality that you had also gone out of your way to protect this city and its people had proven to the others that perhaps they should not be too quick in judging your intentions based on your appearance. however, they could not act as if it was not a valid reaction to be scared of you, wary of any ill intentions you may hold.

for all they saw was the association with the abyss on a woman whose presence seemingly began to be important overnight. you had never existed to anyone else before that day, yet suddenly now the streets were littered with rumors about you. and whilst many were now coming around, uncomfortable with the situation for an array of reasons, others still held reservations towards you, and that was also a notion that varka thought was still valid to have. some individuals were beginning to alter their opinions on you due to the rumors of your vast injuries, even if they didn't know exactly what could lead to such life-threatening and detrimental wounds. others held deeper fears, primarily that if you had indeed passed away, there would be no telling what vice-captain lohen would do or what would happen to him. he was already an individual either feared or kept at arm's length by most of the citizens, but they all knew the rumors spreading of your impact on lohen and his life.

there would be absolutely no telling what strings may snap within lohen and his mind if you were no longer part of his life.

but varka didn't want to speculate on that, because you were still alive, breathing, and healing. even if your eyes had yet to open and your breathing had become rather quiet, there was no hesitation that your physical body was ceaselessly fighting to keep you alive. your wounds were healing, and the potions used by the healers alongside their abilities may have healed most of the surface wounds, the largest ones. barbara was stunned when she relayed to varka and jean that your body had suddenly kicked up its healing abilities, mending minor injuries that commonly wouldn't have been able to disappear without any marks. and as varka admired the way lohen was adamant to never once leave your side, he handed the file in his hand to alice.

"i finally found this buried deep within his office," he explained to the woman, no longer trying to keep any communication near lohen discreet. for one, the information in this file was not unknown to lohen, as the grandmaster was sure that you'd presumably told lohen some of it. secondly, he knew that the young vice-captain was no longer eavesdropping and mentally storing away any details for later. he had gotten his revenge by viciously taking the lives of your attackers, and now his mind had turned off, rendering him unable to do anything beyond remaining by your side.

alice accepted the file from the man's hand with a gasp at the pictures she spotted upon opening the file. these were photos taken of the aftermath of the slaughter of your village, clearly taken hours later and with a kamera of a lower quality than the ones they use now, yet still able to provide the two with heaps of information. alongside the photos were hastily scribbled notes, written in short sentences with minimal details. the person who had responded had barely bothered to do any investigation, merely jotting down surface-level observations and concluding that this must've been some sort of monster attack, caused by abyssal monsters. but what she saw simply took away the mage's breath, making her wonder how the hell something like this was kept secret for so long, hidden from figures as prominent as herself, the grandmaster, and their archon.

bodies may carry traces of abyssal energy. risk of revival as abyssal monsters. remains have been burned. the village has been dealt with. case closed.

"i showed the file to barbatos. he didn't know anything about this either," varka explained to alice whose hands had curled angrily around the corners. "it seems nobody but janus knew about this, him and his company. he hid this file in a secret space beneath the chair in his old office."

"who else knows?"

"jean, barbatos and the two of us. i… i didn't know how to tell the others."

alice pulled herself back from the doorway, leading varka down the hallway as they left lohen to fulfill his reverent duties in peace. both alice and varka knew that this had become a far more delicate matter with the discovery of this file. how were they supposed to relay this to any of their captains without sparking distrust in the very establishment to which they had sworn an oath? how could they march through the streets of mondstadt and swear fealty to its citizens when they now knew of such an egregious breach of trust and negligence of human lives?

how could varka pretend that it was not one of his trusted friends who had perpetuated this travesty? he had stationed janus in dornman port alongside his team of specialized personnel to keep the harbor and its residents safe but also to regularly patrol the dense and mysterious forest areas around that location, ensuring that there were not dangers lurking and the people were kept safe. but instead, this file made it abundantly clear that janus knew that he was not living up to the expectations placed upon his friend, nor was he honoring the oath he had taken on the day he was sworn in as an official knight and then retaken on the day he became captain of his own newly formed company.

he, alice, and barbatos, otherwise known as venti, gathered into the office of the grandmaster. jean remained in the seat behind the desk as alice plopped down onto the couch, venti jumping onto the small rail as varka took a stance by the window, closing the curtains and ensuring that this room remained safe—that whatever was discussed in here today remained here. for not only did they need to devise a plan for breaking this tragic telling to their most trusted captains, but they also had to discuss whether the other knights should be informed. no one besides the captains was truly trustworthy, something varka nor jean would ever voice out loud, but both felt deep in their bones. they were already aware that some of their knights had loose lips, a trait greatly enhanced after a few too many drinks down at the tavern or angel's share.

they could not risk half-false details about such a delicate matter to scatter through the wind like throwaway gossip.

at three am, lohen's breathing was as serene as ever, his body lying next to yours in the same bed you'd treated him in. his usual uniform had since been discarded, leaving the man to dress himself in whatever pants and loose t-shirts that he was brought whenever he was forced to leave your side for a shower. his one hand was resting on your folded hands lying on your stomach, his fingers curled around yours and keeping whatever connection he could, the other arm lying across your pillow, his hand playing with your hair. lohen felt trapped in his own mind, present by your side but confined within the cage of his own mind. you would return to him, that he was certain of, and when you did, he knew that his own mind would lastly free him from these shackles.

he knew you would return, for he simply did not believe that you would ever allow yourself to perish like this. lohen desperately wanted you to live for him, because of him. he would give the world for you to open your eyes in this very instant, brimming with obsessive affection and tears of eternity promised to him through your magnetic eyes as you professed your love for him, throwing yourself into his embrace and swearing to never scare him like this again. well except that you would never behave like that, and now that brought a smile onto his face as his fingers mapped out the small hairs around your hairline, one finger tracing the span of your nose bridge as the lip balm he'd applied to your lips earlier glistened. you were like a baby lamb trying to stand on its own legs, wobbling in its attempt but never giving up hope.

you would open your eyes when the time was right. you would do it because you could never leave this world without knowing that your animals had survived, that salem was currently sleeping curled up on your chest with her paws resting against your heart. and perhaps somewhere along those lines, lohen had come to hope that you would find something more to live for, perhaps even him. but he didn't need you to dedicate your entire life to him as long as you held his heart in your warm embrace and allowed for him to fold his icy hands around yours.

and he knew you were somewhere in there, navigating through your inner turmoil and itching for a way out, for your hands had begun to regain their luminescence, allowing the knight to hold them tight in his hands with a resolution to never relinquish his hold ever again. you were finally addressing the abyssal forces keeping you alive, and lohen had no doubt that you would win exceedingly, for you were the strongest person he knew, and strength like yours was not to be defeated, not easily. but if you lost your way, if you lost that will somewhere along the way in the consuming darkness of temptation, then he would guide you back. his hand unfolded yours as he pressed your palm against his own skin, softening beneath your touch.

there was a pit of hollowness sitting in his stomach, and most of his days had passed in a blur, which he would never be able to account for. his days were bleak, spent waiting for you to awaken once more, but perpetually resting within the confines of his own mind. because your absence had struck some dormant pit of unresolved feelings, now rushing to the forefront of his own consciousness. somewhere in the midst of this journey, lohen came to wonder whether his own body was forcing him to work on his own issues so that when you did awaken and bless him with that benevolent gaze, he would be able to inspire trust. he would be the rock you could lean against, voicing your thoughts and troubles instead of keeping them buried in your own heart, just as he would be able to work through his own.

lohen had never really had the option about divulging his own past entirely to anyone, not by choice, at least. varka had played a humongous role in lohen's current life, and thus, he knew intimately the details of the events that had grown to settle as faint trauma in lohen's subconscious, the same with adorno, who had since passed. others who had come to become knowledgeable about the events of lohen's childhood had gained the knowledge due to an emergency, something that required details to be shared and for events to be reawakened. but nobody knew about lohen's perspective, about what had inevitably led him to make the decision he did, told by himself. his childhood with his parents and the events of being kidnapped for experimentation, then being saved. having to return to regular life, but struggling, and choosing to become an adventurer. how he even came to become a knight in the regiment and how he became vice-captain despite the general apprehension others felt in his presence.

lohen wanted to tell you everything in his own time, lying out in the meadow of your home, the stars beaming above you. he wanted to feel your hands intertwined with his, resting on his stomach as the night bore witness to lohen inviting someone to penetrate the thick walls erected around his heart. the words you speak would be honest, not full of false comforts or empty promises, but instead be just the words he had somehow come to long for. your lips would be pressed in a thin line, eyes thick with emotions, but you would not shed a tear, for you knew that he wouldn't want that and neither would you. the burden on his heart would become something you could share, binding you to lohen in an eternal vow, bleeding into your hands with the belief that you would always bask in every last drop of it.

and he wanted the same for you, which were inspiring reflections and considerations unlike any he had ever experienced before. the other knights often referred to lohen as selfish behind his back, faulting his methods and his personality, hating that his quest for strength was also affecting them. they found him odd, not able to understand his line of thinking nor his deranged ways. but his own company could swear by his methods, even if they did go against some aspects aligned with their specific company's assignment. they questioned his ability to function as the vice-captain for a company that specialized in ranged weaponry when he was so eager to fight. they would often deprecate at the sight of him, having heard rumors of him creating poisons to use against varka or having heard reports of his rather uncouth methods of interrogation.

lohen knew that he was not like the others; that most still held reservations regarding his morals and his methods, frowning upon lohen's willingness to push beyond acceptable limitations. you did not view him as such—he had come to realize over the many months when your words would echo throughout the night. despite your own past and the lesions it had left behind, you did not abhor nor condemn violence or underhanded methods as some may assume. lohen's hand brushed across your cheeks once more, smiling wickedly down at your serene face.

he didn't know much about your past, but obviously he had been able to link some pieces together, especially from his own little experiments on you over the past few months. any poison he had mixed into your morning tea or your meals had never fully shown any effects on your person, physically or otherwise. he had soon concluded that the abyssal energy fusing with your dna had most likely made you immune to poisons. if he ever told you about any missions where he had poisoned someone, you didn't seem to raise an issue with this, nor did you seem to hold any particular opinions on his approach to his missions and the people he encountered. that alone made lohen's eyes grow even fonder of you, fueling the fire of obsession in his gut. then he started sprinkling in stories of his more underhanded methods, the ones most condemned by others.

small anecdotes about the man he had tortured for sensitive intelligence earlier that day, the manner in which he had steadily slid his blade across the man's skin, splitting flesh only to graze across the open wounds with potions that induced a burning sensation. but your reaction was not at all what lohen had expected, and whenever he thought back to that, he found that perhaps he was grateful that you didn't have a strong reaction. there was no doubt in his mind that your ten years spent in the hellish place were laden with nonstop torture, mentally, physically, and emotionally. yet as he told you this story, well aware that he may trigger a heavy reaction, in great detail, grinning and increasing in excitement as he relayed the details of his victim's screams and pleas, you nodded along, awarding him with your full attention. then you quietly murmured that perhaps a cooling potion would have proved more effective as his body would be overcome with relief, only to have it snatched away the very second he refused to comply.

lohen considered proposing to you on the spot, just dropping down to his knees and professing his love for you. he had never been someone to consider marriage or even consider binding himself so zealously to another person, but he could have sworn on the archons above that you were the one for him, created by the deities above and sinners below just for him. because despite your own dark past riddled with terrors beyond any, you had not embarked on some holier-than-thou journey on which you renounced any violence or terror upon another person. you were not naïve and wishing everyone the best, as he had assumed at first, when you refused to hurt him. but as more stories were told and he found that the two of you were able to converse about his torturous missions full of deception and lies, it became apparent to him that you simply refused to induce lethal harm on another person. but it did not matter to you whether lohen did so, whether he ripped every nail off someone's hand or pressed a dull blade into their thigh, breaking skin in the unequivocally most painful way, or if he was dripping non-lethal poisons into the drinks of his comrades.

you never deemed yourself as someone allowed to pass judgment, just like lohen. the two of you understood how your pasts had come to shape you as people, and you both stood by that, never pretending to be the most virtuous people. there was no air of wisdom or righteousness, nor did any of you want to become known as survivors. and every day until now, lohen had found himself entering the inner workings of a person who knew their value; someone who didn't aim to be someone greater than the cards they were dealt in life.

"i continue to create potions for the citizens of this land because that has always been the duty of my ancestors and my parents," you had replied to lohen one early morning, the knight lounging over the small table in your kitchen, resting his face against his outstretched arm as his eyes followed you devotedly. the curtains were open, letting the bright yellow rays from the full sun beam directly onto your face as you concentrated on the task at hand, never noticing the way lohen's eyes were drinking in the sight of your hands crushing flowers into a bowl and your eyes lighting up at the color changing into the one you'd be striving for. "although, i'm pleased that they are helpful to the knights and have saved numerous lives. if my predecessors were here right now, they would continue to support the knights."

"even if they never came to aid your village?"

"the knights who abandoned my village in its time of need will meet their end one day; some already have. you are a knight, lohen. would you wish for me to hold you accountable for failing my village and my neighbors, for leaving my parents to die a gruesome death? i don't think you would, simply because it was not your fault. i don't hold any grudges against the grandmaster, because he wasn't told about this incident. anyone who was complicit will suffer, but until then, i simply have no interest in disappointing my parents."

it was no easy task finding any information on this matter, for almost every trace of your village and its slaughter were concealed masterfully, truly painting the picture of it never having existed. but lohen did manage to track down one knight, who had responded to this crisis but left the regiment shortly after. lohen found him the good old way: sneaking into the secured access room and combing through personnel files from around that time period, finding only one of the entire company's personnel had a known address. lohen, surprisingly, felt no relief from threatening the man to tell him about the rest of his company once he had tracked the man down. he did, however, feel poorly about concealing this from you, digging into only a little part of your past. but lohen did not wish to learn the entire truth from that day, for you would tell him everything the day you felt the time was right, and he would wait as long as he had to, if only to hear your side of the tale—the only side he would ever consider as truthful.

every single member of the company sans their captain was dead, lohen and now several more individuals learned. for varka had gone on the same path and followed in lohen's footsteps in tracking down this former knight, only he had no need for underhanded methods to learn of the truth, because the man was drenched in guilt and yearned to come clean about the story. while varka collected a full report from the incident, writing down every detail in his notebook, which he now shared with all of his company captains, there was one aspect he withheld from everyone—the very same aspect that lohen had been told and relished in with a malicious smile.

varka merely relayed to his company captains and acting grandmaster, alongside jean and venti, that the remaining members had passed from illness, natural causes, or suicide. down in his grand office, the other captains were being briefed about the full extent of this situation, now that he'd had a moment to discuss it with the three most important people alongside him. they had agreed to loop in the captains out of respect but also to share the truth before this unknown piece of history, for they deserved to know, even if it did sour their relationship to their oath and their former comrades; even if it led to anyone leaving the regiment, just as diluc had, who was also present due to his sheer importance in maintaining mondstadt's safety.

most of the knights assuredly ended their own lives in various manners, some drowning themselves while others chose to fall on the very sword, which they had been sworn in on and chosen to betray the promise of. yet what varka could not tell anyone else, and the very piece of intelligence that had thrown lohen deeper into his pool of maddening reverence for you, was that all of them were claiming to be haunted before their deaths. every single one of them would begin to feel the presence of someone a mere ten years later, seeing a strange figure lurking in the darkness of their homes or standing off in the distance, empty eyes observing them. the shaking knight could barely get the words out, fearing he'd bite off his tongue in sheer fear of the entity that had driven his former friends to take their own lives, one by one.

some would awake up in the middle of the night and find rotting flesh from abyssal monsters placed in their fridge; others would find their glass bottles of juice replaced with a deep red liquid, viscous blood sloshing around the sealed bottle. some nights the figure would stand lifelessly in the corner of the room, only to disappear seconds later, but most nights the figure would merely walk around, invoking oppressive and cruel terrors into the former knights as they heard the figure dragging something heavy along the floors. blood would be smeared along the walls, broken children's toys covered in soot and dried blood could be found around the house, and some days that feeling never vanished—it was as if the entity was keeping an eye on their prey for days on end. yet nobody else ever saw any of these horrors, nor did they ever encounter the so-called entity haunting the former knights. children would be left sleeping peacefully and safely, and spouses would remain ignorant of the vile affairs, which had led every single knight to suffer from a broken family, their loved ones moving out and distancing themselves in the belief that their spouse had lost their minds.

and mere days later, they would take their own lives.

lohen had then come to understand why you never seemingly felt any sort of way towards his actions, nor did you seem to hold any regard for the people whom lohen may or may not encounter during his mission. you did not pass judgment, no, but you did believe in enacting vengeance. the timing of their haunting and subsequent deaths would line up with the timeline you had provided lohen with, which made him realize that the very first thing you'd done after escaping the abyss' hold on you was seek out the people who failed you. and if anything, the crimson-eyed knight only felt more affection bloom within his core for you. you did not condone harm towards innocent people, hence why the individual clarified that none of the family members of those knights ever sensed anything, nor did you even attempt to fight back the night that damned group of people would snatch your home from you. but more so, lohen concluded that you had come to trust his judgment—he had come to understand that you did not care to hurt undeserving people, but you also did not care for anyone lohen put his hands on, for you believed that whatever decision he was making, it was the correct one.

as varka chose to exclude the details, merely citing that the families of all the deceased soldiers were hinting at insanity due to guilt, he knew the perfect way to stray from this particular trail of vengeance was to finally share the contents from the file and testimony from the knight, who had been present during the time the tragedy had occurred and had an enlightening testimony. he understood the consequences of sharing these details, and a big part of him was not pleased with having to do it without your explicit permission, but this was now also an active case under the jurisdiction of the knights, and thus, they deserved to know about this.

"but before i explain what this file contains, i find that it is necessary to tell you all about janus, a former captain and someone whom i once called a good friend." the grandmaster would sigh, and everyone would find their interests piqued, for they had never before seen their grandmaster so pensive.

janus and varka had grown up together, later becoming good friends with crepus and eroch as well. all four of these boys would grow into men with aspirations as tall as the sky, shooting for the stars beyond the clouds. but as history would have it, not all of them would find themselves in positions they considered as successful. the stories of eroch and crepus were well known, for both diluc and lohen had suffered immensely due to the actions that unfolded, as had kaeya, two of the three men present in this room and stone-faced at the quick recap including crepus. the third victim was upstairs, firmly grasping the hand of a woman who had also turned out to be a victim.

when varka became grandmaster, it was a big deal. the city was celebrating having a new leader, someone young and full of energy, but they were also especially pleased with the sheer strength he displayed. however, people who had been some of his closest friends were secretly beginning to hold reservations and hidden resentment towards the young leader, relishing in the benefits of being his friend yet seething over the prestigious position he now held. one of these these men was janus, whose biggest dream had been to become grandmaster even if he never shared this dream with anyone. the blonde man shared details from his own past, pulling out the notebook they'd found in janus' old office with the hidden file; the scribbles within the bound book contained all of janus' true and honest emotions, including his gradual hatred for varka.

"it seems he began to despise me long before i became grandmaster. i never considered us competitors, but it seems that janus always saw me as someone to watch out for."

the offer for his own team had, according to janus' own diary, insulted him in ways he would never be able to describe to anyone else, especially varka. his blood must have been boiling as he wrote the entries; the grandmaster would try to crack a joke, but nobody could miss the subtle hint of sadness passing by his eyes, probably having to now relive his own happy memories with a new perspective of his friends, understanding that perhaps they weren't all as close as they had seemed to be. the offer for his own team was one janus had always wanted, but it hurt his pride that it was his own friend who had presented this offer to him. having also read the diary, venti would add a small comment about this all coming back to janus' own insecurities, and everyone present merely had to agree—if janus had just taken the time to healthily process his own emotions, desires, and friendships, he would have been able to see the truth.

that varka had not offered him such a unique and respected title simply because they were friends or because he felt bad for janus, but due to the very prominent fact that janus was in fact one of the most experienced and talented knights, possessing the skill set to lead a new generation of knights and cultivate their abilities. yet janus was not able to see that, for everything had become warped due to his own delusions, so he would indeed accept the position, but for the reason that he would be able to reign control of his own team in a city different from mondstadt city; he took the position so he could relish in being one of the highest-ranked knights in regiment and simultaneously being in a different city than varka, no longer forced to face his friend living his wildest dream.

given that somewhere in the back of his mind, varka had stopped being his friend and become his nemesis, someone whom he held boundless amounts of loathing and envy for.

most people never knew that sometimes the abyss order would actually target people for other reasons than to kill them. in janus' case, it would be one puzzling encounter in the forest that would send him down a path, which he would continue on for years to come. an encounter with a hoard of abyssal monsters while all on his own would almost signify the end of him, leaving him heavily wounded and bleeding profusely as the monsters approached him, no longer scared of the bloodied sword he was pointing at them with trembling hands. but then the diary would tell a tale, which would leave the entire room in a state of horrified stupor. for a portal had opened, and an abyss herald had stepped out, mocking janus and his weakness to his face, somehow finding the exact nerves to push on to gain a reaction from the man.

"a deal was made between the two that day… the abyss herald would heal his wounds and bestow upon him spells to boost his strength. in return, he would look away whenever larger abyssal missions were carried out. he would forge false reports from scenes where abyssal monsters had killed civilians, downplaying the aftermath and the tally of lost lives. he would let them do whatever they wanted, so long as he kept gaining from it, becoming stronger and thus gaining more respect from the others."

"may i ask a question, grandmaster?" and with an affirmative nod, all eyes were now on amber, whose hands had clambered around her own knees, eyes shaking. "why would he do that? how can someone allow people to die, the people they're meant to protect, just to become stronger?"

varka let out an unamused huff as he fluffed out his hair, falling back against the wall with the window. "people do all sorts of insane things to gain whatever they think will make them happy… i just never thought janus and eroch would fall into a trap like that."

and neither did anyone else in the room, suddenly allowing the forming silence to become one of contemplation and self-reflection of their own actions and beliefs. everyone had joined the knights for their own reasons, perhaps for a reason as simple as wanting to save people or perhaps something more personal. yet none of those reasons mattered to anyone but them, for whenever they put on their designated uniforms or insignia to identify themselves as knights of favonius, whether they held a status as a mere recruit, a company captain, or even the grandmaster, they all marched towards the same mission lying before them and the same vow binding them to their swords; they were serving to protect the citizens of mondstadt. even someone like diluc had left behind the regiment, but that fire still burned within him as did the oath he took years prior, when he became a knight and later a captain.

but sometimes, the oaths taken for the greater good became obsolete in the face of personal aspirations and lingering demons of regret, guilt, and anger.

✦

the space around you had been warping endlessly, yet its form had remained that familiar space hidden within you, where your innermost consciousness could relish in the starry darkness. your body felt weightless as your eyes remained closed and your mind remained peacefully blank, as if nothing mattered to you anymore. the space was devoid of any life but yourself, who happened to be falling through the eerie air around you. a subtle buzzing could be heard throughout the air with your limbs spread out like a star, a small whoosh cutting through the silent space whenever you happened to make a small but subconscious shift in your center of gravity.

you had no idea where you were or what was happening to you. in fact, this was the first time in an unknown span of time that you had been able to form any sort of thought beyond the faint sensations running across your skin, registering as small tidbits of information in your hazy and coddled brain. the connection between you and the abyssal power within you was fluctuating, you could tell. your hands no longer felt like a part of your body, as limbs that would move at your command and raise a weapon in your favor. the sensation burning somewhere in the front of your mind kept alluding to a similar phenomenon occurring with your eye, which had similarly become a part of your very body and soul. yet, you could not even begin to understand what was happening.

the last thing registering in your mind was the sight of lohen, his watery and devastated crimson eyes peering down upon you with so much love present in them. at that point, the abyssal space had already begun to pull you under, rendering you unable to actually verbalize anything you wished to say to him. because seeing so much hurt in his eyes and feeling the way his fingers were subconsciously digging into your skin, you knew that whatever happened to you, it would break him. and that was the one thing you never wished to do, especially not to lohen. his emotions and his willingness to express the things he felt for you had always been foreign to him, and you had always attempted to do your utmost to resonate with his emotions. yet in that moment, feeling his hands holding onto you with such vigor and staring down at you with sorrow, you needn't push yourself to resonate with him, for you knew that you shared his sentiment; you were afraid to lose him because you loved him, just as he was afraid to lose you.

if you were back in this space, then you were not dead. and with you steadily being able to process your own presence once more, feeling sensation return to your body, you knew you still had a fighting chance. but you were also able to identify that you were not fully in the clear, for this was not the actual space you'd created for your own comfort. despite the attempt to perhaps mimic that space to render you defenseless and thus vulnerable, there was something missing from there—warmth. your eyebrows were pulling together as you began regaining your ability to control your own body once more, a steady process. days must have passed, but time did not flow regularly within the abyss, so you knew that barely any time must have passed within the real world. but the abyss also worked in more mysterious manners, and thus you knew that if your hands were not resonating with your soul properly in this vast space, then they were likely appearing in an odd form in the real world.

the only thing with enough leverage to interfere with your connection to the abyssal powers coursing throughout your body would be the abyss itself. and as if your body could sense imminent danger lurking around you, as if you could feel that something was coming from you, that light feeling from your body was shattered as you inhaled deeply, feeling that crackling and stinging energy lingering in the abyss settle back into your chest as your eyes shut open.

you were back again.

there was a sensation of panic bursting in your stomach as you cut through the oppressive air of the the abyss. as if it had been waiting for you to wake up in its belly of torment. because whereas you had been able to steadily regain your senses and do your utmost to gather your thoughts once more, you were now becoming aware of the awful sounds echoing around you, alerting you of the monsters already headed in your direction. whereas you had been falling into the abyss before, safe in your descent, you could now tell that you were falling at much greater speeds, mere seconds from crashing into the ground below you. the connection between your soul and your abyssal hands was fainter than ever, and you tried to curl your fingers, panting heavily and feeling that abyss of panic in your stomach growing tremendously in size as it settled into your mind that you no longer retained control of your fading hands.

but the monsters were closing in rapidly, their shrill screams and yells of joy reaching your ears as you cursed underneath your breath. this was not your first time. you had to remind yourself of that as you squeezed your eyes shut and tried to calm your mind—after all, you stood no chance at surviving this if you began panicking now. you had survived ten years in this hellhole before, forced to learn how to fight and infected with the corrupting powers of this place before. it was here that you had lost your hands and your eye, where you had lost yourself and considered ending your own miserable life multiple times, but it was also here that you taught yourself how to steer away from the power seeking to consume you wholly. you may have lost all of your will to live here, but you had also found yourself in this place, fighting every day and every night to escape.

the first time you were taken here, you were a child with death lingering in the front of her mind and blood splattered across her body. you were locked in a cell and begged for mercy every day, beaten to the ground by monsters, and tortured in every aspect one could ever imagine. your mind was constantly fighting itself and fighting your heart, tempted by the alluring power around it yet determined to keep the willpower of your heart. you were experimented on as if you were worth nothing, receiving new scars, wounds, and trauma every day. your blood was permanently painted across the walls of this hell, as were your screams, both those of pain and those of defiance.

but this time, they would not be able to break you, nor would they ever lay another hand upon you. perhaps others would not understand what was going through your body right now, why there would be a small smirk curving onto your lips—a smirk some would say resembled that of your lover. but you knew this was a trial, and you had every intention of passing it.

the ground was nearing you, and the monsters were already waiting for you on that broken bridge, crumbling and threatening to fall apart any second now. but you were not scared, nor did you feel apprehension anymore. lohen would always sing your praises both to you and to the others, singing about how your combat abilities were simply excellent and how sparring with you had improved his own abilities. so this time, it was your turn to implement his habits into your routine. before lohen entered your life, you had distanced yourself from the combat skills you possessed, locking them away in some hidden chamber within your own mind; you did not wish to remember what the abyss had turned you into. but sparring with lohen had polished those skills again, allowing you to tap into a part of yourself that had become a core factor of your personality, yet one you'd kept stashed away like some unwanted quality. but now, hearing those cries for your blood and those weapons ready to slice into you, it was almost as if you could feel lohen's presence within you, urging you to finally let go of that apprehension and embrace every part of yourself, even the hidden ones.

your legs kicked out underneath you just as you collided with the ground, landing directly on your feet as the stones of the bridge trembled beneath your body. the monsters were already running at you, hilichurls raising their weapons, yet each went down one by one as your feet moved at the speed of light, speeding through them as their slow movements struck one another instead. there was a strange tingling in your arms, spreading all the way down to where your translucent hands were beginning to sparkle once more, the still stars within slowly waking up once more as you kept dodging every hit, jumping over the heads of a crowd of hilichurls before shooting back down, striking the bridge with your empowered strike, laced with traces of the abyss' own power, as they flew off the bridge.

your body was no longer wrapped in the same clothes you'd been wearing, nor was your body covered in any more wounds; no burn marks remained to display the public execution you almost underwent. your ears were ringing once more, but this time, it was not the sound of humans approaching with hateful yells and stakes lit with bright shades of fire. no, this time it was waves upon waves of mere monsters roaring at the chance of an unfamiliar face, fervent and frantic at the thought of ripping you limb from limb. your head was turning from side to side, eyes scanning every single building, every single monster rushing towards you, and every single change that had happened in this very crevice of the vast abyss, where you'd spent ten years of your life.

the last time you didn't know what was waiting for you, just a ten-year-old girl in a state of shock who'd just witnessed the destruction of her entire world and the brutal deaths of her family.

this time, you were going to make it back to mondstadt, make it back to salem, and make it back to lohen and his waiting arms, no matter how long it took or how many enemies you had to cut down.

the feeling of your blood pumping through your veins and your body moving on its own as you wove through hordes of monsters allowed your brain to process everything that was happening to you. your breathing was escaping you in short bursts as you never stopped moving forward, relishing in the adrenaline pumping through your body and the borderline wicked smile on your lips—lohen would be cackling to himself if he could see you right now, loving how much you were enjoying releasing the power stored within you.

but then again, it was only because of lohen that you had come to admit to yourself that you were not the type of person who disliked fighting, as you had spent years thinking. in fact, sparring with lohen day after day had allowed you to slowly tap into those abilities and skills you'd learned in the abyss, fighting for your life for years. you disliked the concept of fighting for no reason and the circumstances under which you'd learned to protect yourself and others, but you would be lying if you said that witnessing lohen's love for fighting had not come to make its mark on you, too. there was blood splatter everywhere, and you knew that to anyone else, you would've seemed absolutely out of your mind, moving through the hordes with ease, covered in blood and with an exhilarated grin on your lips. but somehow this made you feel better—it made you feel closer to lohen, breezing through this situation as he would, behaving as he would.

 you did not have lohen by your side and you could feel parts of your heart squeezing painfully as you thought back to his smile laced with a certain unhinged twinkle or his crimson eyes so full of love and obsession, or even the way his slightly taller figure would always latch onto you, hands sliding under your clothes to rest against your skin or his hair tickling the skin behind your ears as he buried his face in the warm crook between your neck and shoulder, pressing warm lips to your skin and nibbling to his heart's content.

yet as you made your way through, no longer in a place where time flowed normally, you truly had no idea how long you'd been slaughtering monsters. there were dead bodies scattered all around you, and by the time you came to a halt, your breath escaping you in sharp pants and a twinkling hand pressed to your chest, you had a nagging feeling sitting in the back of your mind. the space was as dark as ever, but now that you were no longer surrounded by monsters with a desire to kill you, it was now becoming clear to you that this entire situation was off. a shiver was running down your spine, and your eyes were squinting profusely as you tried to glance around, only to realize that you just could not see anything at all. it was as if you had been placed in some vast space of darkness, only able to spot the dead monsters on the ground, yet you were sure that your line of sight had not been this limited before.

which led you to a simple conclusion: there was something going on here that went far beyond a mere coincidence.

nobody truly knew how long you had spent in this horrid place, well, nobody besides alice whose intellect was beyond that of ordinary people. when she discovered you in the ruins of your village, roaming around with your scythe in your hand and your eyes glassy with a fragile glimmer of despair, she knew not to approach you instantly. your disposition made it abundant that you were not seeking a fight nor were you wanting to be encountered, but that you would not hesitate to raise your weapon. and even if she knew that chances were she could likely beat you in a fight, she was also wise enough to see the hardened scars across your body and the magnetic abyssal energy forming a veil of protection around you. if she was to engage with you, she would likely find herself in a prolonged battle and despite being the most powerful mage—as she would tell one with a proud smirk and large gestures—she was also not someone whose specialty lied in melee combat. but she knew she had underestimated you the very moment you spun around on your feet, raising your scythe to point directly at her despite her veil of invisibility shading her form.

"i do not know who you are, but i do not wish to hurt you." your voice coughed out the words, and alice could not help but notice how rough your voice sounded, riddled with disuse yet tainted with pain as if it was straining your vocal cords to speak. there was no attempt to attack her from your end, but your weapon remained pointing in her direction.

and even then, seeing how rapidly your stance had shifted to defend yourself, seeing the hollow spiral staircase in your eyes leading down to a space so deep, she knew you were no threat to her in this moment. some would call it foolish, and others would call her the wisest mage to ever live, but alice didn't care for any of that. as when she eventually dropped her veil and cut through the treeline, heels sinking into the soft mud and her vast dress grazing its surface, she could see the confusion on your face when you had first seen her. "and who might you be, wielding the power of the abyss so freely?"

a new surge of monsters came running at you from the darkness once more, clearly not wanting you to relax enough to regain your strength or pick up enough information to understand what kind of hell you were put back into. but they were easy to deal with, your hands flickering with the energy that coursed through these monsters, granting you pockets of moments where you were able to snatch the weapons from your enemies and cut them down with them, panting to yourself as you moved enough hordes upon hordes. you knew that by now it must have been at least a few days of you nonstop being swarmed by monsters, but that was nothing you could not take on.

the first time you were thrown into the abyss, you had spent what was ten years on the surface in this place. but ten years in teyvat was not ten years in the abyss… it was three hundred years. if you had survived three hundred years in this place, aging at the same pace you would've if you'd been back in teyvat, you could easily survive whatever was coming your way now. time always flowed differently for people despite its rather rapid progression, meaning that while time felt like it was passing by at rapid speeds right now, you knew eventually you'd begin to feel the effects on your mind and body from being back in this place. if you had to make any guess as you slaughtered yet another horde of hilichurls with a mitachurl's crackling axe, you would have to assume that at least six months had already passed here in the abyss since the incident back in mondstadt, which meant only six days had passed back up at the surface.

only the archons above and the evils below knew why you'd been suspended in that falling state for so long, or why the only hordes targeting you were such weak ones. but whilst slaughtering them was easy as anything, especially as your own control of your powers became less frantic and chaotic, it was simultaneously also exhausting to keep it moving. the only benefit you had in this situation was a vast knowledge of yourself but also the space you were in. you knew that these enemies posed no threat to you, but still, you had to get them out of your way to discover why you were back here and why your own powers were waning. the harrowing effect of the abyss and its lure no longer worked on you, nor did the powers that would have already corrupted an ordinary person whose body and mind were too fragile to oppose such a grand force. that alone kept you moving far more proficiently than any of the monsters attempting to rip you apart, because you did not rely on its selfish manifestation of power to fulfill its goals.

instead, you had broken the realms of ownership, like only a select few people before yourself, and claimed its power as your own, manifesting it as your will and as something that was subservient to you, not the other way around.

days would pass, and you would barely have any moments of respite or rest. the idea of sleeping eluded you entirely, but sleeping in the abyss was not something you did anyway, for the natural needs of a regular human were sorely diminished in a place like this. the need to consume something or have a rest would not hit you until you allowed it, something you'd learned the last time you were here. as long as you did not take any large hits, anything that would propel your body into expending huge amounts of energy, you would be able to keep going. but there was no mistaking the soreness settling into your legs, continuously having to launch yourself in every different direction, having to dodge hits and use the monsters' own momentum against them as your hands flickered but remained unreliable.

your body was beginning to beg you for rest now, because even with the abyssal power within your body giving you an advantage in this place, your legs were burning like they never had before. stiffness was likewise starting to show its face, collecting itself in the core of your shoulder blades and by traveling the length of your spine. the traveler had once told you about one of her friends, a fatui harbinger, who had also fallen into the abyss and survived three months here, which only amounted to three days in the world above you. she told you about the toll it had taken on him, how it had drained the light from his eyes, yet how he never stopped moving forward. when she'd first told you this, you did ponder why she would feel the need to tell you about this man, but now as you kept moving forward, you had come to understand her point.

you could not afford to worry about your loved ones and how they would perceive you once you had escaped. the first time you had fallen into this devoid place, there was no longer anyone up top whom you would call your family, and thus, you had never worried about how you would come across once you were back out again. but with her words suddenly entering your mind again, it was as if something was falling into place in your own soul, in your spirit.

the reason you managed to leave the first time was because of yourself.

there was no expectation placed upon you about whatever standards you should abide by, nor did you feel that burning need to live for someone else. some days you would spend all day crying in your cell, having barricaded the doors to ensure no monster could drag you out or that none of the people residing in this place could reach you. the abyss was much larger than one would assume, divided into its own factions, with each its own regulars. that harbinger you'd been verbally introduced to had evidently been in this horrid place at the same time as you, but you two had never once before met. and now as you slaughtered the last few monsters, falling to your knees, you finally let your body relax and welcomed the exhaustion setting into your bones.

perhaps without realizing it, you had always been withholding a crucial part of yourself from everyone else, even your own mind. you saw firsthand what kind of depravity and emptiness lingered in this place and in the eyes of the people whose bodies had taken to this power. and of course you knew, for there was no denying that your own eyes held the same emptiness, albeit to a lesser degree after all these years. but as you sat here now with desperate and greedy pockets of air being inhaled and your body arching, knowing you'd left a rather clean streak of slaughter behind you, it became obvious to you that you had not been very honest with yourself in a very long time.

the traveler told you how the harbinger happened to meet a woman in this place, someone whose limbs resembled your own as she took him on a disciple and taught him the ways of combat, particularly in a place like this. in the three months he was here, the abyss and its wretched allure never managed to dig their claws into him, and when he escaped from here, he did it with perhaps a lot of psychological troubles but with his soul and his body still his own. his master had never let his body suffer sufficient harm, and thus, she had essentially ensured his safety and sanity in this place. but that luxury had never been granted to you, and it was dawning on you now that the reason you'd felt somewhat bothered by that tale was because you'd been holding it close to your heart.

you had been subconsciously holding onto it with a sense of self-pity, comparing it to your own experience and loathing that you never had someone like that.

"idiot," you murmured to yourself, glaring down at your own hands through the tainted blurriness, but whether that was from the lack of sight in your one eye or the tears you'd been holding back all these years, one would never know.

well, you would. because sitting here in the vast darkness, unable to properly see anything despite having spent years upon years here, no longer able to manipulate your own created hands to your will and no longer able to see from your eye, it was becoming clear in your own heart that this was your own doing. you were the reason that your own body was beginning to falter in its function. your own reluctance to accept your own past and to embrace the power that surged within your veins were the reason that you were pathetically sitting here, silent tears falling from your eyes as the space around you remained a darkness that you could not penetrate.

what had before been an endless stretch of silence was abruptly broken by the pained cries from a woman, who had been holding back her own emotions since she was a literal child, someone meant to be protected yet someone forced to become her own protector. there were various knives of despair slicing through every inch of your skin, every painful memory you'd ever had resurfacing to the forefront of your own as your body balled up right there on the bloody concrete ground, trembling violently as your head buried itself in your legs. a searing pain was licking up and down your spine as if the tension you'd been carrying for years and the burden weighing you down were finally releasing themselves from the shackles that had kept them bound to your soul.

even now, you were having to face the fact that ever since you woke back up in this place, you had never once been fighting for yourself. taking down any and all monsters in your way, pushing your body to the limit without even a single break, you were doing your utmost to ensure your own survival, but having to face the reality that you weren't even trying to live for your own sake was breaking your own heart. when had you become so neglectful towards yourself? even now, knowing what you would have to do to leave, you kept trying to meet someone's expectations. locking away parts of yourself and the woman you'd become just to seem more palatable was not something new to you, but as you sat here buried in your own comforting grip, it became glaringly obvious that you'd come to adapt that mentality even when you were on your own. and was that not truly saddening? a woman upholding a certain image to come across as non-threatening and more digestible to people, but continuing to uphold that imagery even when she was left all alone.

because who were you, really?

were you still the little girl whose life was upturned within a few seconds or were you the one hiding in the corner of her cell, trembling in fear as abyssal monster roared demonically outside, waiting to attack you once more? were you the same whose hands and eye were taken from her in a sick twist of events for the amusement of one person, or were you the one who taught herself how to manipulate the corruptive power to mend her new ones?

were you still the little girl, or were you the woman who had persevered every godddamn day of her life and survived centuries in this forsaken place, slaughtering anyone whose intention towards you spelled trouble—the same woman who entered a deal for her freedom and slaughtered her own captor in cold blood, leaving this place behind?

there was another wave of monsters coming your way, and this time, you did not even need to peer up to know that they were much stronger than the previous waves, yet still ushering towards you with murderous intentions. but as your own mind steered itself back onto the right path, there was a renewed spark igniting in your stomach once more. you knew exactly who you were and what you were capable of, no matter how others may perceive you. demonic, evil, or a victim, none of it was any of your concern right now. for you were just you in all of your entirety. and that was the thought that made you stand back up, small sparks of yourself setting off across your skin and in your heart as your hands felt like yours again, not quite back to normal or as functional as you'd like, but strong enough to allow you to summon your signature scythe, swinging it around.

there was no longer a haze in front of your eyes, nor did you feel that severed connection between you and your left eye. because whereas your mentality was still affecting the connection between your soul and your hands, your left eye was functional once more, allowing you to see everything around you. the power of the abyssal was stirring in you, and this time you felt no shame about it, nor did you feel any need to hold it back. it was a part of you, and whether people took issue with that was none of your concern. it was your power and your body, not theirs. there was no need for you to hold back in this place anymore, just as there was no reason to conceal your true desires.

you wanted to return to mondstadt as soon as possible because you missed lohen, because you wanted to allow him to venture into your life in a way he'd never been allowed to before. there was a fire in you to let him know how you felt, even if you knew that he knew. you wanted to love him freely and wholly, just the way he'd been loving you this whole time. and you wanted to hold his hand in public without worrying about others looking upon you. but more than that, you wanted to do it all for your own sake. you did not want to keep living your life in fear of how you came across to others or how they may feel about you. the ones who wished to see you negatively always would, and the same went for those whose intentions were well-founded, because that was just how the world worked—some kept their minds closed to anything but their own voice, while others became susceptible to taking everyone else's opinions as their own.

your scythe swung through the first group that had reached you without hesitation, letting their blood soak you from head to toe. keeping yourself confined to a narrow set of emotions you were allowed to express, words you were allowed to utter before others, and places that you had to remain away from in order to not scare others may have sated them, but it had been killing you for longer than you'd ever seemed to realize. and that became obvious to you now as you threw yourself into this new group, no longer weaving through with carefulness to avoid seeming too brutal or dangerous, but instead moving how you wanted to, fighting in a way that felt natural rather than controlled.

trying to meet everyone else's expectations for you was a path leading you to sure death.

and you had not survived three hundred years in this place, losing everything and everyone in the process, losing parts of yourself in every sense of the word, to die now, all because you were too afraid to be yourself. lohen had to come to love who you were, not the woman everyone feared or the one others were willing to accept. he saw who you were beneath your measured conversations and had weaseled his way into your heart, regarding you with such loving and devoted eyes even when he knew that there was more to you. but thinking back to lohen now, seeing his mirthful eyes in the back of your mind or how he'd always grin whenever you accidentally threw him too hard during a spar, it all reminded you that you were worth loving—that you did not deserve to mold yourself into someone else to be seen or heard.

you could love yourself without feeling guilty about it.

embracing the power of the abyss was foolish to some, damning for others. some would look upon features shaped by this otherworldly power and despise it, condemning its usage. but you were someone whose very body had already fused with this power, wielding it to your own heart's desire without letting it overtake the characteristics that made you you. once you had been brutally knocked to the grounds of this place, seen as nothing but a captive with minute potential, and treated as a punching bag by beings much stronger than yourself, it was tapping into that power that gave you a fighting chance. it was that power that allowed you to escape from here and exact revenge on the men who deserved it, just as it was that power that kept your emotions in control and subdued for years, as if its presence near your heart had come to understand that your mind was not ready to fully process your own suffering.

an axe came swinging down at you with strength no ordinary person would be able to survive and the kind of strength that would seriously wound you, but you merely felt a bubble of excitement bursting in your core. many moons ago, back when you had been subjected to horrors unlike any and had your hands stolen by a sadist, it took you literal years to recover. the mental toll it took on you was awful, leaving you in a half-dazed state most days and allowing monsters to scratch fleshy wounds into your limbs. despite the healing potions you were fed and your own biology healing you rapidly, you did not think you would ever recover. and perhaps you had never, and would never, truly process losing your very own hands and eye, the ones given to you by your parents. but once your own abilities grew enough to let you use these hands as your own, dishing out blows that were notably harsher than the ones you endured, you would instinctively always cut off your opponent's hands first.

and this time was no exception as your scythe came swinging back, relishing in the screams that were piercing your ears and cementing themselves in your mind as the ground below you was decorated with severed hands. you did not like fighting people and like you had told lohen, you had no interest in ever taking the life of a human after the horrible evils you were forced to partake in, but monsters were a different breed entirely. you would never forget lying on the cold ground, feeling the blood oozing from your wrists. the image of the abyss herald stomping on your hands and cackling at your screams of agony… the image of the monsters around him scrambling to feast on your mangled and disfigured hands, the sounds of your bones crunching sickeningly through the air as you were made to watch. the feeling of your eye puncturing in the depth of your skills, your cries being drowned out by the amused cackles from monsters around you as you sobbed for your own autonomy.

so you fought endlessly throughout this group, never once stopping to assess your own behavior or to even cast doubt on the blood tainting your body. you never once stopped to wonder how scared others would feel seeing you right now. the power of the abyss, its vitriolic nature settling back into your core once more as your hands regained their former form. for you were no longer suppressing its power within you or attempting to limit its potency all to please people whom you did not know. you could wield the abyssal powers present in your body, and so you would. dancing through waves after waves of monsters, you were no longer ashamed of who you were or what you could do. you were no longer keeping your true strength hidden beneath layers of protection, only granting yourself enough access to live but not seem intimidating to others.

tears continued to fall from your eyes as your heart squeezed from finally being freed from the chains you'd wrapped around it. tears for the girl you'd been once upon a time, tears for the woman who escaped a hell only to lock her own heart into a cage, and lastly, for a woman whose very existence was almost wiped out by the hatred of others masking itself as her self-definition.

freedom was a luxury you had fought for before and then taken from yourself, hiding away from the public and conceding to their prejudice of you. yet now, freedom was dawdling in your path, just waiting for you to seize it once again. and this time, you would never let it slip from your hands, even if it meant that you would be ousted from society. you would never again permit yourself to shrink into a muted version of yourself, just to please the masses whose voices meant nothing to you.

not only because lohen loved and accepted you for who you were.

but more importantly, because you inexorably embraced and admired who you had become.

✦

there was a tension building in mondstadt, steadily but ploddingly.

the knights had been a rather dimmed organization since learning of the file hidden away, delivered to them by none other than varka himself. the lower-ranked knights knew nothing of the revelation, and it would remain as such, because if the high-ranking company captains themselves were not able to digest this information aptly, then there was simply no chance that the regular knights would. as one could have imagined, this had sparked thoughts unlike any back in the minds of the captains, leaving them pondering about the elders they had admired and the oath they had taken.

people had been brutally dying for months, all without the knowledge of anyone. your village was not the first, nor was it the last—this was a fact they were all able to conclude. further investigation into janus and his old team revealed numerous files with similar cases; although, because those villages were never as brutally destroyed, they were merely closed as abnormalities and filed under incorrect terms. that kept them from ever being brought up once more and kept janus' neglect under wraps for years, allowing him to benefit from the deaths of his own people. the file on your village had been hidden, but as the other files—or at least those that had survived in the archives—were dug back up again and looked into, the reality was crystal clear.

hundreds of people had died because of one man's greed.

your presence in this city and the horrors you were subjected to by the current citizens of this town were merely what blew the lid off this well-hidden conspiracy of sins and corruption. but no matter what they owed you, they owed the people whose lives had been snatched from them to find peace and be acknowledged by this nation, by its archon, and by its people. barbatos had already set out on his own mission with alice and nicole, visiting every site where a village had once stood and listening to the winds, guiding any lost souls to the ley lines once more. most had presumably already been accepted by them, for mondstadt was a nation of freedom and dignity, never once turning its back on any of its own. but some may be lost in the rifts of time.

and besides. it would only be fitting of the archon to pray upon those sites of horror, bestowing his eternal blessings and praise upon those deceased souls. to extend his apologies for his negligence and to grace their souls with mercy and ease for as long as they remain whole under his sovereignty. even in death, the blessing of the anemo archon barbatos would guide them to a paradise of eternal rest and euphoria, overwriting the pain taunting their souls from their last seconds on this earth with the lightness of the winds and a soothing aurora.

varka and jean gave the other captains the time to digest this information as they took a seat in their shared office alongside lisa and diluc, the four taking the time to process their own emotions in silence. the latter two were different in the sense that one handled the library and one had left the regiment entirely, but also since they had never truly come to know janus. the others had met him during their formative programs to become captains, seeing as varka would feel being under his guidance for a few days would aid them in becoming well-adjusted and responsible captains—just as he had thought janus to be back then. none were exceedingly close with him, but all had given positive and praising reports upon their return, feeling as if they had learned many useful qualities in the days spent with him.

of course, now that praise had become bitterness and the admiration had soured.

but there was one more person whose knowledge had not yet been entirely broadened to this heart-wrenching and injustice committed many years ago; the one person who had also gone to train under janus and left a mere day later, citing in his report that he just could not stand the self-righteous tone of the former knight. jean and varka had initially been hesitant to let lohen see this file, something the other captains had not even gotten to peek at. the difference, however, was that concluding you'd essentially haunted a group of retired knights to commit suicide would never alter lohen's opinions on you—at least, they would not sour as much as they'd probably expand greatly. but then further conversation between the two had led them to a conclusion: if the others had been informed, then informing lohen was of utmost importance. his contemplation would not be the same as the other knights', though.

whereas the others would likely be rethinking the oath they had taken and how one of their former superiors had led hundreds of people to their deaths, lohen would likely be contemplating whether he was willing to leave your side to search for the former captain, enacting yet another act of justice on your behalf.

the file had been placed on the nightstand by your bedside by varka once lohen had fallen asleep, his body curled up to yours like a cat as the dark circles beneath his eyes worsened significantly. the older man had intended to just walk in, leave the file for lohen to read in his own time, and leave again. yet as his eyes drifted over to glance at the two of you, a sigh blew from his chest once more, crossing his arms over his chest as he let his thoughts somewhat freely float around his mind. your hands were no longer looking like they might vanish at any given moment, nor did they seem unreachable anymore. lohen's fingers were laced through yours with your intertwined hands resting on your chest, just above your heart. his head was on the pillow right next to your neck, varka leaning down to discover that lohen's ear was indeed pressed against your neck. varka's heart squeezed in his chest as he realized that lohen was indirectly keeping track of your vitals, sleeping soundly to the sound of your faint breathing and your beating heart.

the older knight had not wanted to show any weakness before anyone else, but now as he was standing here in front of your bed, watching you and lohen wrapped up in their other arms, it was as if he were able to let go of the tension building within his own bones. the chair behind him creaked as the man fell back into it, sighing in sheer and utter exhaustion as he let his head fall back and his eyes flutter closed. for years and years, he had been sending off his own soldiers to janus to learn proper leadership. he had considered janus a friend of his and a trustworthy captain for more years than he could count, assuming that his old friend was the perfect person to nurture and guide the next generation. after all, varka had never really considered himself to be the ideal grandmaster.

he had always thought that janus would be the better leader.

his friend did not possess strength that could match his own, but he made it up for that in so many other manners, which some would say were far more valuable for a leader to have. varka had always known janus to be patient but wise, scheming but never untrustworthy, and headstrong but never reckless. he would always be willing to lay his life down for his comrades, but it never came to that because his plans never failed to work to damn near perfection. yet as varka deliberated all of this in his mind, all he could think about was how empty janus had seemed the last time he saw him. the return from the expedition had led varka to visit many people all across mondstadt, but none had seemed as lackluster as janus. the leader had not exactly expected a welcome full of festivities from his old friend, but he also had not been expecting the vacant glint in janus' eyes or the odd manner in which he kept trying to keep any and all conversation short.

it seemed that janus had grown tired of pretending to be fond of varka anymore, but he would never have discovered this if he had not discovered that file. he would have continued to assume that janus' shallow conversation was due to the abyssal powers eating his body alive, not because he hated varka with a burning passion. varka's eyes opened, finding you two once more as his eyes flitted over to the file for a brief second. maybe it was his penance for all the lives he had abandoned and left to be devoured in such brutal and gruesome manners, leaving his own people to be torn to shreds by hungry monsters. during one of his last ever missions, shortly after varka had left for his own expedition, janus and his team would be cornered by abyssal monsters in the forest, and even if they all survived due to janus' undeserved strength, he had still been left in bad shape by a vicious spell from an abyss mage being placed upon him.

the medics at the knights of favonius had initially concluded that the spell had been overflowing the older knight's body with massive amounts of abyssal energy, which his own body was rejecting at astonishing speeds. the abyssal energy was attempting to assimilate with every inch of his skin, mending itself into his genetics while simultaneously devouring him from the inside. there was no attempt to lure him with power, as one may assume, only a steady progression towards a painful death. but after consulting with the two hexenzirkel witches, barbatos, and jean, it was easy to conclude that janus' suffering was actually not for those reasons. it would seem that it was, in fact, the existing abyssal powers in his body—which were providing the strength he'd been desiring so vehemently—that had been triggered anew by the mage's spell, becoming a curse within his body.

your fingers were curled around lohen's, varka suddenly noticed, making him sit up a little straighter in this chair. for nearly two weeks of you recovering in this room, nobody had ever seen any indication that you were anywhere near regaining consciousness or present to some extent. it was part of the reason the others had been shooting lohen sorrowful glances whenever they passed by, seeing his crimson eyes always admiring you with so much hope; he never once entirely separated from you, even if only one of you two were awake to keep that spirit alive. a smile curved onto varka's drying lips as he shook his head in amusement.

leave it to lohen to find himself a partner as stubborn as himself.

varka had been hoping that you would awaken soon, but that was a few days ago. he had been steadily preparing himself to deliver you a thorough and sincere apology on the behalf of all the knights, understanding that his apology would not excuse the horrors you had to go through, losing your home and becoming bedridden for days. yet now, he found himself pondering how the hell he would ever hope to face you again. you were fighting some unknown battle within the confines of your own body, mind, and spirit—that much he could tell from the returning luster in your hands and the fear of death gradually fading from your skin. he could also tell that lohen was by your side in every sense of the word, something you were also aware of given the heartwarming sight of your fingers beautifully curled around lohen's. the two of you were still seeking refuge in one another, just as you had in all of these months, and just like you had when lohen was the one occupying this bed and you were the one tending to him devotedly.

but how would he ever face you or lohen now? how would he go outside and face the people who cheered his names in the streets and entrusted their safety to him so freely, just as they had for a man whose very greed had permitted for countless lives to be stolen? hell, he didn't even know how to face his own captains, knowing he'd been the one to introduce them to janus. the same man who was most likely still residing in his rather luxurious home on the outskirts of dornman port, alive and still paying the price for his own greed.

"stop looking at us like that," lohen's snarky tone whispered into the space, shaking varka from his thoughts only to realize that lohen's one crimson eye was glaring up at him. his hair was sticking in every direction, and his other eye was still squeezed shut just as he pulled the thick blanket further over your form. there was something different in his eye, though. it almost felt like faith, something he had never seen on lohen before. it was faint, and perhaps varka was making it all up in his head to make himself feel better, but then lohen's eye narrowed even further, and in that instant, the older man knew that this was not his imagination. "whatever happened back then, it's not your fault. she knows that. now leave us the hell alone, old man."

and the only reply that varka would be able to conjure up would be a hearty laugh, feeling that ball of guilt sitting in his chest dissolve as lohen continued to glare up at him like a grumpy cat, huffing in annoyance as he dug his face back into your neck to resume his nap. but varka did not miss the way lohen's thumb caressed the back of your hand, nor how easily he'd fallen back asleep even with varka in the room—because lohen would usually never allow himself to sleep unguarded, not like he did now. but as varka delivered a nod of understanding into the nonresponsive air, permissive to let it linger in the serene room, he walked out of the room with an answer to all of his questions. lohen was right, after all. no matter how guilty varka felt for the crimes committed by both janus and eroch, the truth was that they would have done it regardless.

what mattered now was not how he felt about his inability to change the past, but more so how he responded to it after the fact. there was no past that he held the power to rectify or solve, but there was a present time in which he could choose to be honest with his fellow citizens and give them the means to form their own opinions, just as there was a future where he could do his utmost to ensure that nobody would ever resort to such atrocious and bloody means in a futile search for power or glory. so as varka had started to make his way back down to his office, he made another visit, giving the person his approval while he headed back into a private meeting with jean. if barbatos and the hexenzirkel were on a noble mission to deliver peace to the lost souls, if lohen could remain by your side and keep your resolve strong, if his knights could set on the mission he'd just green-lit, then it was now his and jean's responsibility to live up to their duties.

varka understood the consequences of his actions, as did jean. if they went through with this decision, if they chose to follow through with this and deliver these revelations, they could very well be risking the trust that the citizens had been holding faithfully and blindly for them. this revelation could rock the very nature of the trust the people held for the knights and for specifically for the captains, but they all had also agreed that withholding this information for the citizens would be unjust. they deserved to know what had happened, and furthermore, the people whose lives had been taken so brutally deserved to be acknowledged and mourned. they deserved to have their names known and their lives cherished, just like any mondstadt native deserved.

"i understand that this is not something any of you had ever thought could happen," varka stated sorrowfully with his hands clasped in front of him, standing on the steps of the headquarters with most natives of mondstadt standing before him, mutters and mumbles exploding into the air. "as the grandmaster of the knights of favonius, myself and the acting grandmaster would like to sincerely ask for your forgiveness and express our most heartfelt apologies for allowing such vicious crimes occur under our leadership."

the other captains were lined up behind varka with their hands clasped in front of them, heads bowed yet keeping an eye on the shocked, angry, and mournful crowd before them. jean had taken her place next to the podium that varka was standing by, keeping her head high as the secondary leader but never once hiding the saddened expression etched into her face. varka and jean had made the difficult decision to reveal the crimes committed by janus to the citizens of their nation. they had done their very best to withhold most of the gory and brutal details, but they had been honest about janus and his dealings with the abyss. they had revealed, with bowed heads and shaky voices, the number of villages that had fallen victim to janus. and the knights allowed the shouts of anger, the tearful and anxious cries that resounded, and the untrustworthy manner in which they were now being regarded.

but a shout broke the stalemate that had formed between the embarrassed and crestfallen knights and the angered people. people began moving to each their sides as the shouts intensified, and varka did not miss his own captains moving forward, perplexed by the mobs of people yelling profanities and chucking their items at someone moving through the crowd. they were halted by varka shaking his head, letting his captains stare at him in sheer disbelief as they watched someone be escorted through the crowd, stricken anger and fresh blood painting janus' face as he was led through the crowd. kaeya and albedo held firm grips on each one of his arms with the respective teams forming a barrier around them—although nobody could miss how the knights could periodically move out of the way to let airborne items strike janus rather than take the brunt of the hit themselves.

janus' head had remained bowed as he was made to walk through the crowd, hearing people who'd loved and admired him now hurl curses and drinks at him, cheering for his death. the people whose lives he had saved, the ones who'd greet him merrily before and thank him profusely for everything he'd done as a knight, were now glaring at him in disgust, moving forward to harm him but only loosely held back by the knights. yet as he made it to the front of the crowd, he had finally let his head rise and his darkened eyes settle on his old friend, a fire of loathing burning within his pupils as varka regarded him in a new light.

there was no love lost between the two men who now solemnized each other. janus was led up the stairs by the two knights, and just as he passed varka, the blonde grandmaster did not miss the growl janus directed toward him once he passed, no longer bothering to hide his dissatisfaction with being led through the nation he'd once served as a rotten criminal. but none of that hostility mattered much to varka, for janus would be prosecuted in court for his crimes, and he would endure whatever punishment he was sentenced to. perhaps he felt a lingering desire to have a conversation with janus, to truly hear those words of resentment and discontent from the man himself, but that was for a later day. for now, it was his duty to assure the people that something like this would never happen again.

so varka allowed the people to ask questions to the grandmaster himself and learn about the truth. like he had done with his own subordinates, he merely communicated that the rest of janus' team had taken their own lives, likely riddled with immense guilt from their own role in those vain deaths. but with that, the truth about your hometown also had to be revealed. and varka did not miss how guilty people suddenly seemed, muttering among themselves as he revealed how your village had also been one of the targeted places and how you'd unfortunately suffered for it, as had your neighbors and family. no more questions regarding you were answered by varka or jean; none of them felt as if the topic of your life were their tale to tell—not to mention that they, themselves, did not know much about how you'd even survived the abyss.

but it was important that they made it clear to the others that you were also a citizen of this free nation, someone who'd been left to fend for yourself and someone who had a bout of unnecessary hatred directed at you. still, varka extended understanding for those who had feared you and those who continued to fear you, because there was no denying that the abyss was a fearful force, and knowing your power was sourced from its pool was a terrifying thought. he did not expect anyone to reconsider their opinions on you instantly, but varka made one thing clear, letting his voice boom throughout the square as it reached all of the nation's inhabitants: you were just as welcome in this nation of freedom as anyone else, not to be shunned or harmed.

that evening was a tense one, but that did not come as any surprise to anyone, really. the taverns were still full of people, more than usual even, who were all drinking this new knowledge away, discussing the events they'd learned of. the trust towards the leadership had not been entirely obliterated as they had been expecting for it to be. people knew varka and jean intimately, as they had been well-loved in this nation for years upon years, building up their reputations through transparent actions and honest words. they had never before risked the safety of the people whom they were meant to protect, and even with some people casting doubt towards the knights, most people held trust like none other towards their grandmaster and the acting grandmaster, but also towards the captains.

the common consensus building across the nation was that they could've easily withheld this information to protect themselves. they could have just arrested janus in secret and issued their own punishment upon him, never once letting it be revealed that one of their own had held such nefarious motives and had the blood of so many innocent civilians on his hands, all for the sake of gaining unfounded strength himself. it would have worked in their favor, as nobody would ever think to cast doubt onto their leadership, living in ignorant bliss. yet they hadn't done any of that. despite knowing that it would likely invoke distrust unlike any on their own regiment, understanding that perhaps people would call for him to resign or demand that they also take part of the blame, they still remained honest with the people. they allowed criticism and were well aware that people would be eyeing them carefully for the next while, but it was worth it.

because the people deserved the truth, and the deceased deserved to be mourned by their nation. to be remembered as people and not unknown fodder for monsters.

lohen had heard the speech from the open window that allowed the evening breeze to filter into your room, his fingers running through your hair as his gaze remained locked onto the distorted photos in the folder of your village, dismembered and disfigured corpses littering the destroyed village. blood painted every shred of grass, and there was no denying the revolting sight of half-chewed flesh and limbs pictured, just as there was no turning away from the haunting sight of dead eyes staring into the kamera. the knight with mint-colored hair had seen destruction like none other, liable for causing just as much, but these photos were stirring his stomach with a bout of nausea. his hand never halted their ministrations, but he could not stop his fingers from digging further into your scalp, almost as if he needed to assure himself that you were securely by his side.

his throat was dry with disuse, and his hands were itching with the urge to find someone or something to unleash all of his pent-up anger and energy onto, desiring to rip apart an entire army of monsters as they had done with your village. of course, he did feel bad for all the other villages that had suffered a similar fate, but admittedly, he felt it more forcefully in his gut when he thought about yours. there was no doubt that he held a bias towards the tragedy that had befallen your parents, gritting his teeth in unadulterated outrage as he threw the file back onto the table. his body slid back down to wrap around yours, relishing in the warmth your skin was beginning to emit once more, pressing frantic kisses into your hairline as he let his head fall against yours. his own relationship with his family had been strained from a very young age, only becoming even more strained after his kidnapping and then erupting once he decided to become a knight, walking away from his family's business to explore his own desires.

you had never had that chance, because your parents had been killed right in front of you.

there had never been any lengthy conversations in which you spoke about your parents, but sometimes you'd bring up one of them, smiling sorrowfully to yourself as you explained the difference between how you made potions as opposed to how your mother used to make them, or how your father would always hunt down the small insects at night, returning home with dirt all over his clothes and a sheepish smile. his own lips curved into a haunting smile, reminiscing on the times you'd let little anecdotes about your parents or your former neighbors slip, inviting lohen into the deepest parts of your heart and your past. he held those memories close to his own heart, carrying them with him as an emblem of your brightness as he remained steadfast by your side.

because you would return to him.

he was sure of it.