Chapter Text
Saint had once thought that getting Shin back would be enough.
Back in high school, when Udon Pithak and Thep Burapha campuses merged, and Saint realized that the boy he had spent years trying to forget was suddenly standing in front of him again, he had made himself a promise that day.
He wouldn’t demand forgiveness.
He wouldn’t expect things to return to the way they were.
If Shin wanted to keep hating him, Saint would accept it.
Saint would simply stay.
If Shin only ever allowed him to stand somewhere at the very edge of his life, Saint would be grateful for even that.
Because Saint had already taken something from Shin once.
He had no right to want anything else from Shin.
So when Shin finally… slowly… reluctantly… let him back into his life, Saint treated that second chance like something sacred.
At first, even being able to sit directly right next to Shin again felt too good to be true.
Then… came the little things.
A message asking where he was.
An annoyed look when Saint disappeared for too long.
A casual: “You coming?”, as though Saint had always been expected to follow.
And eventually, somehow, they became what they had once been: Best Friends.
There were scars between them that neither of them pretended weren’t there.
But they were friends again.
Real friends.
Friends who knew each other’s habits without asking.
Friends who could spend an entire afternoon together without needing to fill the silence.
Friends who could look across a crowded room and immediately find each other.
Friends who, according to everyone around them, were practically impossible to separate.
Saint had laughed whenever someone said that.
Because what else could he do?
They were already in university now. They had somehow made it this far.
And Shin was doing what he had always dreamed of doing: Football.
For the national team, even.
The dream Saint had once shattered with one terrible decision.
Sometimes, Saint still couldn’t believe he was allowed to stand here and watch Shin live it.
Sometimes, when Shin came back from training exhausted, hair damp with sweat, a tired smile appearing the moment he spotted Saint waiting for him, Saint felt something inside his chest twist painfully.
Because this was what he had wanted for years.
He had wanted Shin to smile again.
He had wanted Shin to chase his dream again.
He had wanted Shin to have a life that wasn’t defined by what Saint had done to him.
And now… Shin had it.
He had everything Saint had once taken away.
So why wasn’t that enough?
== == ==
Late one evening, Saint sat alone on the stadium bleachers.
The field was empty now since training had finished a while ago.
Shin was still somewhere inside the changing rooms.
Saint had been waiting for him as usual.
He held his phone in his hand, staring at Shin’s message for far too long.
[Wait for me]
Simple words.
But somehow, Saint had a stupid smile appeared on his face the whole time.
Then… the smile faded.
Because suddenly… something had occurred to him.
Something that he had been trying very hard not to think about.
He wanted Shin to stay.
Not just tonight.
Not just through university.
Not just as his best friend.
Forever…
Saint lowered his gaze, his fingers curled against the edge of the bench.
Is that wrong?
He had devoted so much effort to winning Shin’s friendship back.
Years believing that if Shin ever forgave him, that alone would be more than Saint deserved.
And Shin had given him exactly that.
More than that, even.
Shin had given him trust, time, patience, a place in his life, a second chance…
So why?
Why did Saint still want more?
His throat grew tight.
He hated the thought.
He hated how selfish he is.
Because Shin had already given him so much.
Yet, Saint still wanted to reach for him again.
Not as a friend.
He wanted to be the person Shin looked for first.
The person Shin came home to.
The person Shin thought about when something good happened.
The person Shin wanted beside him when everything became difficult.
He wanted to matter to Shin in a way no one else did.
The thought frightened him.
Because Saint knew exactly what it meant to want too much.
He had been greedy once.
He had wanted control.
He had wanted everyone around him to stay where he put them.
And Shin… had paid the price.
Saint had broken the one person who had trusted him the most.
He had broken Shin’s leg.
He had broken Shin’s dream.
And worst of all…
When Shin needed him afterwards, Saint had run.
He had convinced himself that leaving was the only thing he could do.
But Shin… had never needed Saint to disappear.
He had needed his best friend.
That was the part Saint would never forgive himself for.
And now, after everything…
He wanted to be even closer.
Saint pressed his palms against his eyes. “I’m so greedy”.
He dropped his hands.
The field blurred for a moment.
He imagined Shin walking towards him.
That familiar smile… That familiar voice…
That effortless way Shin could make Saint feel like there was nowhere else in the world he needed to be.
Saint swallowed.
If I ask for more, will I ruin everything again?
Maybe… that was why he couldn’t say anything.
Maybe… friendship was the safest place they could have.
Wanting more was dangerous.
Wanting more was selfish.
Saint should simply be grateful.
Grateful that Shin was still here.
Grateful that Shin trusted him.
Grateful that when people asked where one of them was, the answer was usually somewhere beside the other.
Grateful that after everything… Shin still called him his best friend.
That should be enough.
It had to be enough.
Saint looked towards the changing room doors.
He imagined Shin appearing there any second.
And his heart betrayed him all over again.
He didn’t just want Shin to stay.
He also wanted Shin to choose him.
Not because they had been best friends since childhood.
Or because they had survived something that should have ended their friendship forever.
He wanted Shin to choose him because… somewhere along the way, Saint had become someone Shin couldn’t imagine his life without.
The thought was so painfully hopeful that Saint immediately shook his head.
What a selfish wish.
Once, he had wished for a second chance.
Now that he had it, it made him realized how much more he wanted.
I am so cruel.
The more Shin gave him, the more Saint wanted to keep him.
He wanted more than just a friendship.
A partnership. For a lifetime.
He wondered if Shin would ever look at him and feel that same… unbearable pull.
That same hesitation…
That same fear of wanting too much…
Saint shook his head again.
He couldn’t let himself hope.
Hope was dangerous.
Especially when it involved Shin.
He would keep this to himself.
He would treasure what Shin had already given him.
He would protect their friendship.
He would never risk losing Shin again.
Even if it meant carrying this longing alone.
Even if sometimes being beside Shin hurts.
Even if every time Shin smiled at him, Saint secretly wished “I hope you feel the same way I do”.
Saint desperately wished… he wasn’t the only one being greedy.
The changing room door finally opened.
Saint immediately straightened.
Shin walked out, carrying his bag over one shoulder.
And he spotted Saint almost instantly.
Shin smiled as he walked towards…
“Saint!”
Saint’s heart stumbled… And he smiled back.
“All done?”
“Mmm!” Shin nodded.
Just like that, the ache inside Saint became unbearable again.
But he swallowed it.
He stood and picked up his own bag.
When Shin casually fell into step beside him, Saint walked with him as though his heart weren’t quietly yearning for something he was too afraid to ask for.
Friendship was enough.
Saint had already lost Shin once.
He couldn’t lose him again.
Even if secretly…
Deep down…
He wanted to be greedy just one more time…