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If you were to wonder what a fourteen year old Greaser does during a hot summer Monday at three o clock, I’ll tell you what. It isn’t much. For the past thirteen minutes fifteen minutes, I have stared at my journal, wondering what to write about and here I am, scribbling down a random thought. I honestly wish I had something to do today. Summer break has been boring as hell for the past week because the gang is doing absolutely nothing. Steve and Soda are off to god knows where on their days off, probably going to drag races or getting into trouble in town. It's not like I care what Steve is up to though. He's a dick asshole, and I am pretty sure he only sees me as Soda's kid brother. Two-Bit was off getting drunk somewhere. I know that for a fact. Darry's at work like usual, Dally's at Bucks or probably fighting with Tim Shepard again. Actually scratch that, he's probably fighting with Tim AT Bucks.
"Ugh! There is nothing to do!" I yell as I angrily throw my journal onto my bed.
Before I know it, I am up and moving towards my bedroom door and opening it. My feet stop halfway through the hallway because something catches my eye. Sitting on the couch, barely paying attention to the T.V. is Johnny.
My eyes light up, for the past few hours that I've been awake, I finally have someone to talk to. Or at least do something with! I let out a quick sigh of relief.
Johnny is my best friend, and I honestly don't know what I would be doing without him. Probably rotting in my room doing nothing but sulk and cry all day. To be honest, Johnny was the one who got me out of my house and back into the world— or at least he got me into a better mental state after the accident that happened with my parents.
I really owe him for that.
"Oh, hey Pony!" Johnny said while he looked up from the television.
And just for a moment, the sun that was pouring in through the windows hit Johnny's face and illuminated all of the features and curves of his face. His big black eyes sparkled in the golden light for what only seemed to be a second before they faded back to "normal".
My heart did that weird flutter thing it usually does when I'm around Johnny. And I don't like it one bit. It makes me feel all nervous and all the words or thoughts in my mind just disappear into thin air. It gets a bit frustrating at times. Like whenever Johnny asks me to help him with his homework, or he asks me to read a few chapters of my book to him. But I don't even think it's that big of a deal. I'm probably just being dramatic. I mean, Soda always tells me I "feel more than others", or whatever the hell that means.
Right?
"Heya Johnnycakes." I say with a small grin as I jump onto the part of the couch next to him.
Johnny is wearing a black t-shirt that is a bit too loose on his frame and a pair of jean shorts. Usually everybody in the gang wears jean pants, but because it has been so hot in Tulsa as of recently, we all just started wearing shorts out of nowhere. Minus Darry, because of his work uniform, but I digress.
"It sure is hot out there." Johnny said as he turned to face me.
"Yeah, I feel like my skin will melt off every time I step outside."
"Have you even been outside today? It looks to me that you've been rotting in your room for the past day or two." Johnny says with a tiny chuckle.
"It's 'cus there's nothing to do!" I drag the ending of do out a bit with an annoyed groan.
Johnny turned over to me and leaned in more on the worn in couch cushions. "Well why don't we go out and do something? I mean, your brothers ain't home, and lord knows where the rest of the gang is." Johnny inquired with a slight puzzled look plastered on his face.
"Yeah," That sounded like a good idea. I don't really know why I didn't think about it though. "Yeah sure, you're right. How about we go to the ice cream shop or something? I got some money from Dar, why don't we do that?"
"Sounds fun, I'm in." Johnny said with a simple shrug as we both got up.
I quickly jog back to my room and grab five dollars randomly laying on my dresser and head back into the living room.
My eyes lock with Johnny's, and low and behold, my heart does that stupid flutter thing and I feel my cheeks heat up. The way his dark curly hair falls messily onto his face as the faint glow of the summer sun lights up his features; I can't help but stare.
Before I could even stop myself from thinking about anymore of those weird thoughts, a quick chuckle escapes from him. He looks back at me one more time and smiles. And I can't tell what he was thinking.
"What? Johnny, what's so funny? Do I got something on my face?" I asked, puzzled.
"Ah, no. Nothing" Johnny says.
And with that, he turns around, opens the front doors, and steps out of the house.
I’m just standing there confused out of my mind. What the hell just happened? Do I look funny? Is my hair not greased up enough? I subconsciously bring my hand up to my face to wipe off anything that would be there.
"Johnny, wait up man!" I yell out as I quickly jog out of the house to catch up to him.
It's rare to see Johnny this happy these days. With all the grief and trouble, he gets from his parents, he doesn't really smile much anymore. But I think I can get used to this. I like how his smile looks.
‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹
The walk to the ice cream shop wasn't that much, beside the fact a mustang full of Socs stopped by us, proceeded to yell Greasers, and then took off. But that's normal for Johnny and I now.
Besides that, we didn't really talk all that much during the walk. Johnny and I have reached a point where we can understand what the other wants to say by just looking at them. And that included being comfortable in silence between us as we walked.
But all I can think about is the way he chuckled at me. It was weird. And for some reason, my mind couldn't just stop thinking about it.
From the corner of my eye, I could see what looked like Johnny looking at me. It continued on for a bit, but I pretended not to notice.
I was about to say something, but a pair of hands landed on Johnny and my shoulder and suddenly yelled out, "Boo!"
I jumped and let out a surprised shout, thinking it was some Soc looking for a few Greasers to jump today. And clearly Johnny thought that too because his face went pale and his entire body froze.
I whip my head around and am surprised when I see none other than the famous jokester himself, Two-Bit.
He started cackling, wiping a tear from his eye as he said, "Woo! That was a good one! You boys didn't expect me at all!"
"Don't do that again man, that scared the shit out of us." Johnny said as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
After Two-Bit calmed down from his laughing fit, he started scratching his head remorsefully and mumbled, "Sorry kid."
"Yeah don't do that Two. I thought it was some angry Soc commin' after us." My eyes narrowed as I said that. Though I will admit, he did spook the two of us good. But I would never say that out loud to him.
"All right, all right. I said I'm sorry. Look I'll make it up to y'all buying you guys something. You were heading to the ice cream shop right?" Two-Bit said as he pulled three dollars from his pocket and handed them to us.
"Why are you handing us money Two-Bit? You didn't take it off someone, did ya?" I muttered wearily. "Nah, I just found it in my room earlier this morning and decided to take it with me today." Two-Bit replied as he pulled a cigarette into his mouth and lit it. "Well, if it was in your room, then it was most likely stolen. Look Two, we got our own cash. Don't worry about it." I added as I handed him back the money.
"Alright, well I'm off to your house. Bye Johnnycakes and Pony!" Two-Bit shouted as he skipped away.
After he scampered away I turned over to Johnny and asked, "Still up for ice cream? Or do you wanna head over to the lot?"
He thought for a moment then added "Eh, let's head to the lot. 'M not really craving ice cream anymore."
I gave a small nod as we turned around and started walking to the empty lot. The first minute or so is silent. Not the good kind of silent, but also not the bad kind either. The type of silence where one of the people have something to say but are refraining from telling you.
Suddenly my attention became more focused on kicking a small pebble around on the sidewalk.
When we finally made it to the old lot, we sat down in our usual spot and just— well, sat there. Not doing anything but just leaning up against the old seat cushion and looking up at the sky. I mean, that is what we usually do, but the air felt awkward today.
"So uhm… Pony. How has your summer been?" Johnny asked while fidgeting with one of the loose threads on his shirt. The question caught me by surprise, but I still answered it, nonetheless.
"It's been good. Just pretty boring. All I've done is read and draw if I'm not hanging out with either you or the gang."
Johnny looked like he wanted to say something, but he decided not to. If he didn't, I couldn't tell.
We stayed silent for a bit longer before Johnny broke the silence once more.
"Okay, listen Pony." Johnny turned to me with a serious and nervous look spread all over his face. "I have something to tell you and it is super weird and you probably won't even feel the same way too, but I just have to get this over with. And it is totally fine if you hate me afterwards—I would hate me too after what I'm going to tell you!"
"Whoa, whoa, Johnny calm down. Why in the world would I hate you? Did you like, kill some Soc or something?" I asked, shocked. If Johnny had to tell me something this important that he would think I would start hating him, then he is very much mistaken.
"What? No? No, I didn't kill someone? That's not what 'm trying to tell you." Johnny took a deep breath before continuing.
"This has been bugging me all day— actually no, for about a month or two now. God, this is so stupid." Johnny threw his head into his hands and let out a frustrated groan.
Oh god, what if he's in big trouble with his parents? What if he doesn't want to be my friend anymore? I don't think I could live if Johnny and I stopped being buddies.
"Johnny, you're scaring me. If it's something about you and your folks I swear that I won't hate—" My thoughts are interrupted by Johnny hastily cupping my cheeks in his hands and slamming our lips together.
My head goes blank.
And just as that moment came, it was gone.
Johnny just kissed me. Wait a minute. Johnny just kissed me!?
Was this that thing he “wanted to tell me about”? That he liked me? No, certainly more than liked because normal friends don’t kiss each other on the lips. But yet again, when have I ever been normal? The gang always tells me I should get out more instead of drawing and reading all day. Or that Johnny and I are always “attached at the hip” whenever we are seen together. Is that not normal though?
Johnny quickly pulled away after realizing what he had done.
I was still stunned from shock as I saw him panicking even more about what he just did. I could hear him utter a string of curse words under his breath. He quickly shot up from the ground.
"Shit. Look Pony I'm so sorry for that. I— I'll just go now." Johnny choked out as he turned around to leave.
Before he could start walking I away, I quickly grabbed his arm. He turns around and his eyes widen. His dark, black eyes looked like they were on the brink of tears. I slowly start to stand up, not refusing to let go of his forearm.
“No. Please Johnny, don’t go.” My words came out a bit desperate, which sort of surprised me.
Johnny’s eyes widened after I said that.
My heart beating so hard I can feel it in my chest. After a few seconds of what it looks like Johnny contemplating his choices, he went back to the busted up car seat and nervously sat back down.
Hell, I started picking at my nail beds because of how unsure I was about the thing I want to tell him.
“Pony, stop doing that. Y’know your brothers don’t like it when you pick your nails like that.” Johnny scolded.
Damn he is right. Darry and Soda have always said it’s a habit I get when I’m nervous. I once picked at them so much they kept bleeding; Darry and Soda weren’t too happy about that. But that’s a story for another time.
I sit back down, right next to Johnny, but just a bit closer this time. It just felt right to me.
The silence is thick for the next few minutes. So thick that I felt like I could choke on it.
After ten minutes, I eventually work up enough courage to convince myself to speak.
I clear my throat before saying, “Johnny, you know I like you, right? A– and not in the best buds way. But like how Soda loves Sandy type of way. And I’ve never told you because I was scared of losing you.” I let in a quick breath before continuing. “I’ve tried to convince myself that the way I thought about you was normal, that I was just normal… but I never really could shake the feeling that I was different somehow.”
After all of that, Johnny just looks at me. He looks at me with his big black eyes. The eyes that usually held fear and cautiousness in them, now held this warm feeling in them. His eyes finally don’t look tired anymore.
“So, you feel the same way?” Johnny adds quietly, still looking down.
“Yeah. Yeah, I do Johnny.”
I let my head fall onto his shoulder, which surprised him. And we stayed like that until the golden sun set.
‧₊˚♪ 𝄞₊˚⊹
Stay gold Ponyboy. Stay gold…
Those words echoed through my empty head as I lay in my dark room.
It doesn’t feel the same without him. It doesn't feel like home anymore. I lost him. I lost the only boy who brought me true happiness in this cruel world. Why was I so stupid? Why didn’t I just let those children be when the church was on fire.
Why do I bring death to everybody around me?
I’ll tell you why. I’m cursed.
Death follows me everywhere I go, and it slowly wraps around the people I care about and takes them away when it feels like I finally have them.
By now, silent tears are streaming down my face.
Whenever I try to close my eyes, all I see is him. His face– wait.
What does his face look like?
I push myself up and hastily grab my sketch book. My hands are shaking as I open up the cover, and I calm down ever so slightly when I see his face. A boy with long, curly black hair and big black eyes is staring off in the distance. His skin is tan with a scar running down from his temple to his left cheek. I remember this. I was in class and I was bored. So, I drew him.
Just then, I get hit with a terrible flashback of what I caused.
The screams of terrified children echo through my ears. The smell of smoke flowing down my throat like liquid. Dally yelling at Johnny and me to get out. The sound of wood snapping. The sound of Johnny’s scream as the old roof came toppling down on him. The ear-piercing beeping of the monitors beside Johnny’s hospital bed as he whispered his final words.
I throw my sketch book across my room as I clutch my head. Warm, hot, tears flow down my face like rivers. Everything feels like that old church again.
My eyes notice something rolling on the floor right beside my feet.
A new bottle of Aspirin that Darry had bought me for all of the headaches and migraines I have been getting. I must have knocked it down when I tossed my sketchbook.
I sluggishly reach down and grab it.
Really, what is the point of continuing if all I do is bring people down. I killed that one Soc, and I indirectly killed Dally and Johnny. It was my fault my boyfriend died that night.
I think back to all of the times I was with him. His warm hand around mine, the way he hugged me like there was no tomorrow, the way he peppered soft kisses on my cheek when I was stressed, the way he said he wanted to live.
Johnny wanted to live. He wanted to experience other things in life that Tulsa didn’t offer boys like him.
I could see it now, my parents warm embrace as I finally saw them again, a good pat on the back from Dal when he sees me. And him. I’d get to see Johnny again. I’d get to see his young smile, his calloused hands that would always hold mine, and I’d get to hear his voice again. And he would whisper sweet nothings into my ear as I hugged him, then we would kiss as though nothing could fall.
And with that, I grabbed the Aspirin bottle.