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Standing before the door to the, well, Min's dorm now that he's the only male from cell 4 left alive, Min rests his head against the door in consideration. He doesn't have to sleep here, he could go anywhere else, Juni is the only person who checks the cameras and she couldn't care less. Min isn't particularly picky about sleeping places either, and to be fair the discomfort of an improper bed is easier to sleep with then...
Even still, after all this time, Min still can't bring himself to take the easy way out. Logically it makes no sense, he won't sleep better just because he's in a bed, he knows that by now, the bed isn't nearly enough to make up for him being there.
But to call Min's choice to go to the dorms at all a logical choice is a lie, it's driven by emotion and nothing more, not particularly uncommon when it comes to Min.
Lifting his head Min finally opens the door, and is met with the same sight he's seen almost every day since Iseul died.
Iseul staring out the window, waiting for him. Though calling this Iseul is an insult.
"Ah, you finally opened the door. Guess this is another night you choose to do this." "Iseul" turns to look at him, a smile on his face like always, but the smile is different, it's never the same as his actual smile. It's a mockery of his smile, none of the warmth, it only hides contempt.
It's difficult to tell what's easier to face, the cheap imation of Iseul's smile, or the reminder of what exactly caused all this, the sharp line of red across his neck with blood that will never dry having already stained his uniform.
"Iseul" walks across the room finding himself near his bed, across his walk his eyes never leave Min and Min's eyes track him the whole way. Min shuts the door behind him and takes a deep breath, preparing himself is pointless but everything about this situation is pointless.
"So," "Iseul" starts, "A full month! Should we celebrate?" He says it like it's amusing, though the topic clearly isn't what he finds amusing.
It's Min's reaction, "What are you talking about." It's a blatant lie, of course he knows what he's talking about, he just doesn't want to know.
He seems prepared for this answer immediately saying, "Don't lie to me." It's tense for a moment until his eyes widden in realization before he laughs, "Or is this your way of celebrating? Going back to how you acted right after he died?"
Min could almost flinch at the reminder of those few weeks, and "Iseul" can clearly see it.
With an amused sigh he recounts, "Honestly, it was kinda funny to watch you go on and on, what was it you said? Come on say it."
"No."
"Damn, guess you gave that up quickly, but no worries, I'm more then willing to carry on for you!" "Iseul" stands up again and instead sits on Min's bed and as he opens his mouth Min speaks first.
"I don't need a reminder."
"Iseul" doesn't care though as he carries on, "'He meant nothing to me, he was' you paused for a while when you said this didn't you, pretty funny in hindsight, 'he was stupid. He was just a stupidly optimistic blue tie. He knew too much'."
Min feels the need to cover his ears, the reminder is painful, and unnecessary. His desperation to ignore his obvious feelings for Iseul manifesting in the constant need to disregard his existence. The guilt of it all has yet to leave him, if it ever will.
"He wasn't..." The words pass through Min's mind but they don't fully make their way out, 'he wasn't supposed to mean anything'.
But even when he doesn't finish it "Iseul" still knows what he meant, a trait always appreciated, one of his favorite parts about Iseul, now twisted into the inability to hide anything from him.
The smile on "Iseul"'s face grows wider, more mocking, as he responds, "Yet he did mean something, he meant too much! So much more then anyone could have expected, not even Samin or Sayeon in her eternal genius could have foreseen such an ordinary trainee to grab your heart like this."
Leaning back on Min's bed "Iseul" let's out a pitying sigh, "But honestly in hindsight who's shocked? Really, he was perfect for you, he cared so much for you even when you barely showed him anything back, he took the time to try and get to know you even when you told him almost nothing, he defended you when you were clearly in the wrong, he even stood up to Sayeon for you! Hell, he put his dreams on pause just to ensure your safety! Tell me, has anyone else ever done that for you? Has Samin ever done that for you?"
Min wants to say yes, desperately so. Wants to yell for the whole world that Samin does care for him that much, but it'd be just another lie. To Samin, he's nothing more then her subordinate, in comparison to Sayeon, he's practically just dirt on her shoe.
But to Iseul... To Iseul he was someone, even when he didn't see himself the same way. Iseul for whatever reason cared for him, wanted to get to know him, liked talking to him, even though he barely talked. And Min repaid all that kindness by...
"Hm, I suppose you show your care in some ways right? Even if it's after he's dead."
Min's train or thought is cut off as he looks to "Iseul" in confusion, this isn't a topic that's come up before.
"Oh come on, think about it, why do you think you come here every night instead of just getting some sleep in the gym or something? You can't be that stupid right? You have to know this."
He does know, he knows exactly why he sits through this onslaught of guilt and misery, but to say it aloud would be an insult to his memory of Iseul.
But insults aren't something "Iseul" cares about, "Because you can't stand the idea of never see-."
"You are not him."
"Iseul" looks him directly in the eyes with a smile and eyes full of malice, "And you're not Min at all."
White can't help feeling pained at the reminder, the most painful thing to remember about Iseul. Even in the end despite how much White loved Iseul, the two never really knew each other. Iseul didn't even know his actual name.
"I mean really, he called you gentle! Incomprehensible really, you, gentle? You certainly weren't gentle when y-"
"Shut up." White shuts his eyes to ignore "Iseul" for a moment It's selfish, insufferable selfish, but White can't bear to remember it. Remember-
"Wow, are you really going to leave him alone again?"
"Hm? What's wrong? Your essence is-" He seemed so concerned, of course he was, the clear remorse in White's essence was almost chocking.
He doesn't have to remember this, he doesn't want to remember it.
"Is it really remembering when you never forgot?"
"Min- what- fuck! I can't..." It took one slash, Iseul hadn't trained himself to handle pain like Sayeon, he could hardly react, he could hardly prepare himself for White to attack him. Because he trusted White, that was his greatest mistake.
"Really, his greatest mistake was talking to you at all.
He could hardly breath, White can't imagine how difficult it'd be to heal while struggling to breath and dealing with a situation like this. A terrible way to die, and White has seen many different deaths.
"He would have been better off if he was like everyone else, if he saw you for what you really are."
White could hardly stand to watch him, it only hurt to see him like this, a painfully selfish way of thinking in hindsight. But no matter how selfish he followed through, and had started to walk off.
"A guard dog, a puppet, a rock, a freak, an unfeeling tool, a rapture ghost with nothing, no emotion, no will, no love."
"Don't... Leave.. please..." It's the last thing he heard, he has no clue what he looked like when he said that, and he doesn't want to imagine it.
"A sub human thing."
He wants to say no, it's not true, he is a person. But everything about him says otherwise. A person doesn't act how he does, a person can show their emotions, a person does things because they want to, not because someone told them to, a person doesn't kill the only person who showed genuine care for them and then leave them to die alone.
A sharp laugh holding no humor cuts through the room, no playful fake joy is left in "Iseul"'s voice, only cold hatred, "Really, Samin is better off not caring about you, if this is how you treat people who do care about you, then really, you're just destined to die alone."
"I didn't want to." It's true he didn't, if he chose Iseul would still be here, maybe they'd talk about something Iseul did in highschool, or sneak to the kitchen to make something, or they could just sit together, no need for words, just presence.
"And yet, you did. You still killed him, so what does it matter what you wanted? Really, you killed the only person who ever even cared about that. There's no one left who cares, none of the other trainees, not the society, not even Samin. Ya know, you've yet to answer, this simple question." White finally opens his eyes to find "Iseul" standing right in front of him, "Was it worth it?"
Samin would want him to say yes, that of course it was, that keeping his identity secret was far more important then Iseul. But White isn't so sure.
"What do you think will happen when, no, if you ever go back to the crimson society? Do you think Samin will suddenly welcome you with open arms? Treat you how you always wanted? Finally give you a fraction of the love she gives Sayeon?"
She won't, she never will, White could destroy everything that ever cause Samin pain and he still couldn't compare to Sayeon.
"But Iseul, he gave you that didn't he? It wasn't the same kind of love you wanted from Samin, but it was still love you've wanted for so long. Everything you ever wanted, all from him."
He cared, cared too much, he saw something in White White couldn't even see in himself. He stuck around far beyond anyone else ever had, he wanted to be closer then anyone else ever would. To him, White was someone, not a subordinate, or a rapture ghost, he was a person, for the first time he felt almost human when he was with Iseul.
"But, you traded Iseul for Samin."
It's quite, silence isn't something White has had since Iseul died, whether it was Sayeon's order, Ryujin's loud emotions, or "Iseul" taunting him whether he could see him or not.
A silence granted by one realization, it wasn't worth it.
It's a painful realization, he can hardly stand to think about it, but it's the truth, not a single metric White can think of tells him this was worth it. This overwhelming guilt, the memories, the sharp words he directs at himself, and the complete lack of any reward, no love from Samin, no feeling of pride that he completed a task well, just more reasons to hate himself.
Even if, by some miracle, Samin did love him because he did this, he still can't find it in himself to say it was worth it. Because that love would be nothing compared to how much Iseul gave him.
White's mind feels like it clears, the words continue, it's all the same the same guilt, the same hate, he barely has to think it to hear it now. It feels like waking up even though he has yet to fall asleep, the room comes back to him, he never noticed when it left, "Iseul" isn't there anymore, White can't tell why, White doesn't care why. He's gone and now he's left alone, he's left in the solitude he forced upon himself with his own choices.
White shuffles towards his bed, he thinks he does, he may have just collapsed infront of the door. It doesn't matter, he couldn't care less.
He just wants to sleep. Some form of respite from real life.
Maybe if he's lucky he'll get to dream of a world where he's a person, a person that actually deserved Iseul's love.
But he won't fall asleep, no matter how tired he feels his mind won't let him.
He can hardly feel upset, he deserves it.
In the morning White will wake up, or he'll have never fallen asleep in the first place, and he'll continue in life carrying these emotions.
Because he deserves it, all the pain in his life, he must have deserved it. Something like him doesn't deserve anything else.