Work Text:
"What's In My Bag?" with Ilya Rozanov
Vogue / GQ Celebrity Series
The studio lighting is cool, sharp, and intense, designed to make high end editorial shoots look effortless, though Ilya Rozanov clearly couldn't care less about the effort. He is sprawling across a charcoal grey leather sofa, long legs stretched out, radiating the casual, dangerous confidence of a guy who treats an international media shoot like his own living room.
He's in an immaculate, slim fit black turtleneck, sleeves casually pushed up past his forearms to reveal his heavy gold watch, his wedding band glinting under the studio lights. On the low marble table sits a sleek, pitch black Yves Saint Laurent leather duffel. It is half the size of Shane Hollander's Bottega tote from last week's video.
Ilya stares deadpan directly into the camera lens, unblinking, his sharp jawline set.
"I am Ilya Rozanov. Shane did his video last week. He sat on a soft velvet couch, spoke in his sweet, perfect media trained voice, and lied to the entire internet for twenty minutes."
He tilts his head, eyebrow arching with razor sharp condescension.
"Now it is time for the truth."
He reaches down, grabs the duffel with one hand, pulls it onto his lap, and unzips the main compartment with aggressive, fluid speed.
1. The YSL Leather Duffel (The Bag)
"Item one: the bag. Compact. Black. Cost more than Shane's first car." He runs a hand lazily across the smooth leather, a smug, satisfied smirk playing at the corner of his lips.
"Shane carries half our kitchen in his tote because he suffers from terminal anxiety. He needs thirty different lip balms and three changes of clothes just to cross the street. I carry only what is necessary to survive and dominate. If I cannot fit my life into this bag, I do not need the life."
2. Shane Hollander's Actual Passport
He reaches into the front pocket and pulls out a crisp, bright red Canadian passport, holding it up like a trophy between two fingers. A sly, mischievous glint flashes in his dark eyes.
"Item two. Shane's passport. Last week, Shane looked into this camera, put on his innocent face, and said he holds my passport because I lose it in the refrigerator. Total propaganda."
(Off camera producer: "Wait... isn't that Shane's passport?")
Ilya slowly turns his head toward the off camera crew, his face instantly dropping into a terrifyingly blank, unreadable deadpan.
"Yes. I stole it three days ago. Now he cannot cross the border for our road trip to Boston unless he asks me nicely." He narrows his eyes at the camera, a predatory little grin breaking through.
"This is called tactical leverage. If he tries to force me to drink his green protein sludge again, this passport mysteriously ends up in the fireplace."
3. A Custom Platinum Ring Polishing Kit
"Item three. Shane said he uses a little microfiber rag to polish our wedding bands. Amateur."
He pulls out a small black velvet pouch containing a bottle of liquid jeweler's compound and a high speed buffing cloth. He rolls his eyes, letting out a soft, dramatic sigh.
"When I score a goal on the road, I need my ring to catch the arena strobe lights and reflect directly into the eyes of the opposing goaltender, temporarily blinding him for the next shift. It is a psychological weapon."
He pauses. His sharp expression softens for a fraction of a second, his eyes casting down as his thumb traces the gold band on his left finger, a tiny, fond tilt appearing at the corner of his mouth.
"Shane forgets to take his off before working out and scratches it on the barbells. I polish out the scratches every Sunday morning while he is asleep so he doesn't feel bad about it. He thinks the metal just heals itself."
4. A Stolen Stack of Hotel Room Keys
He reaches deep into the side pocket and dumps a massive, clinking stack of roughly thirty plastic keycards directly onto the glass table.
He looks up at the ceiling, suppressing a laugh, his shoulders twitching slightly.
"Item four. Hotel room keys from every single city we played in this year. Shane gets very stressed about it. He stands in the hotel lobby, his face getting all tight and worried," Ilya impersonates Shane by furrowing his brows rigidly, "
'Ilya, they charge five dollars for an unreturned keycard!' I tell him, 'Shane, I am a multi millionaire, I can afford fifty cents of plastic.' I keep them to build a tall tower on his chest while he takes his pre-game nap. If the tower falls, he owes me fifty bucks."
5. A Heavy Silver Tuning Fork
He pulls out a thick, metallic silver tuning fork. Without a word of warning, he strikes it hard against the wooden armrest of the sofa—PING—and holds the vibrating metal directly against his right temple.
The entire studio sits in completely awkward, vibrating silence for five full seconds while Ilya closes his eyes tightly, his lips pressed into a firm line, sitting in completely awkward, vibrating silence for five full seconds.
He opens his eyes, letting out a long breath, his face completely serene.
"Item five. A 432Hz tuning fork. Before every game, I strike this to realign my central nervous system and erase the memory of Shane talking about his daily macro breakdown in the locker room. It restores my inner peace."
6. A Custom Gold Engraved AirPod Max Case
"Item six. My headphones. Shane showed you his, with his little joke engraved on them. Mine are engraved in Cyrillic."
He turns the smooth metal headphone cup toward the camera lens, tapping the metal with a gold ringed finger while giving a wicked, sharp toothed smile. It translates to: 'Shane is currently wrong.'
"When we argue on the team bus, I do not waste my breath. I do not raise my voice. I just take these out, hand him the case, and point to the text." He winks arrogantly.
"He reads it, he gets mad, I win the argument. Efficiency. Though..." His expression softens into a fond, amused half-smirk, "...if he is actually upset and not just being annoying, I put on his favorite indie playlist and slide one ear cup off so he knows I am listening. But mostly, I use it to win arguments."
7. Shane's Missing Vintage Car Keys
He reaches into the central compartment and pulls out a sleek silver key fob attached to a heavy carabiner, dangling it in front of the lens. His eyes crinkle with pure, unadulterated triumph, a slow, wicked grin spreading across his face.
"Item seven. My car keys. Shane thinks he hid them in his Bottega tote to test me. He does not know that I found them three days ago, took them back, and replaced them with a smooth river rock of identical weight."
He leans in close to the lens, whispering with an amused chuckle,
"He has been carrying a five pound stone around Ottawa for seventy two hours thinking it is my car keys. He thinks he is the smart one in our marriage. It is adorable."
8. A Single Raw Lemon
He pulls out a bright yellow, completely unpeeled lemon and sets it heavily on the table next to the stack of keycards. He stares at the camera with absolute, terrifying seriousness, his jaw set, not a single trace of humor on his face.
"Item eight. A raw lemon. It is for post-game media. If a reporter asks me a stupid question like, 'Ilya, why did you take a high sticking penalty in the third period?'—I do not answer. I pull this lemon out of my suit pocket, bite into it like an apple while holding unblinking eye contact," he squints his eyes menacingly,
"and walk out of the room. Nobody asks a second question."
9. An Electronic Handheld Label Maker
He pulls out a grey, industrial label maker, casually clicking the plastic buttons with a self-satisfied smirk.
"Item nine. I bought this at Staples. Shane marks his property with his initials like a timid schoolboy. I mark mine with authority." He proudly raises his chin. "Yesterday, while he was in the shower, I printed thirty labels that say 'PROPERTY OF ILYA' and stuck them to his favorite water bottle, his helmet, his sticks, and the back of his laptop. Now, technically, I own his entire career."
10. A Heavy Steel Tape Measure
He pulls out a heavy, yellow 25 foot metal tape measure and snaps the lock open with a sharp, echoing CLACK, making a mock stern face.
"Item ten. Shane likes to claim on the bench that he has a better angle on his wrist shot from the top of the left circle than I do from the right. I walk onto the ice during morning skate in my suit, pull this out, and physically measure the distance from the post to prove his geometry is flawed."
He shakes his head, rolling his eyes dramatically.
"He tells me I am being a lunatic. I tell him I am defending the sanctity of mathematics."
11. A Sealed Jar of High Grade Russian Caviar
He pulls out a small glass jar with a gold label, alongside a tiny white spoon tucked into a velvet sleeve. He cradles the jar with exaggerated reverence, looking down at it like it's a newborn child.
"Item eleven. Black caviar. High grade. Shane carries peanut butter crunch bars that taste like compressed cardboard. I carry caviar." He looks up, raising one brow with supreme snobbery. "Metal ruins the delicate flavor profile, so I use a mother of pearl spoon. The rookies look at me like I am a James Bond villain when I eat this on the plane."
A dangerous, sharp smirk flashes across his face. "Good. Fear creates space on the ice."
12. A High Powered Laser Pointer
He pulls out a heavy tactical silver pen and clicks the button, throwing a bright green laser dot onto the far wall of the studio. His eyes light up with playful mischief.
"Item twelve. Shane has a short attention span when we watch game film. If he starts zoning out while the coach is talking, I shine this dot on the floor near his skate."
He bites his bottom lip to keep from laughing out loud.
"He reflexively looks down at it every single time. It is like having a golden retriever on the roster."
13. A Framed 8x10 Glossy Photo of Himself
He reaches down and pulls out a full sized silver desktop picture frame, setting it proudly on the table and admiring it with a smug, self satisfied grin.
"Item thirteen. A photo of me scoring the game winning goal in overtime against Montreal. I put this on the nightstand in every hotel room we stay in. When Shane wakes up, it is the first thing he sees. It reminds him who the primary goal scorer in this house is. It keeps him humble."
He stares at the photo for a moment, his smug grin softening into a warm, genuine smile, his eyes turning surprisingly gentle. "If you look closely in the background, you can see Shane jumping on my back to celebrate. He claims he was screening the goalie, but he just wanted a front row seat to my greatness."
He glances back up at the camera, his expression soft.
"I keep it because he looks happy."
14. A Sealed Envelope Marked "SHANE'S SHAME"
He pulls out a thick, white manila envelope stamped in bold red ink. He holds it up, eyebrows raised high, a devious grin spreading across his face.
"Item fourteen. High-resolution printouts of Shane's secret Pinterest board from 2018. It is titled 'Cozy Autumn Vibes & Dream Kitchens.' It contains forty different photos of scented candles, throw blankets, and sweater swatches. If he ever tries to chirp me in front of the media, I threaten to post the link on Twitter."
He sets the envelope down carefully, his face relaxing into a quiet, warm fondness, a small smirk playing on his lips.
"He built the kitchen in our cottage based on that board. I acted like I didn't notice, but I made sure the contractors used the exact marble shade from his favorite pin. The envelope stays in the bag, though. Balance of power."
15. The Pink Embroidered Silk Sleep Mask
"Finally. Item fifteen."
He reaches into the bag one last time and pulls out a sleek black silk eye mask, turning it around to display the bright, neon pink cursive embroidery reading I.R.
"Shane thought making the thread pink would embarrass me," Ilya says, shaking his head with a amused grin. Without a hint of hesitation, he pulls the mask over his eyes right there on the couch, leaning his head back comfortably against the cushions, crossing his arms over his chest.
His voice comes out from under the mask, smug and content.
"He does not understand. I wear this on every team flight. It smells like the lavender spray he insists on using, which helps me sleep on turbulence. The pink thread just proves I am confident, dominant, and that my husband spends way too much time thinking about me."
Ilya pulls the mask up onto his forehead, his dark hair slightly ruffled, and zips the YSL bag shut with one swift, practiced pull. He leans forward toward the lens, locking eyes with the camera, a lethal, satisfied smirk on his face.
"That is what is in my bag. Shane, if you are watching this at home... check your Bottega. Enjoy the rock."
He winks, slaps his palm directly over the camera lens, and the screen cuts to black.
—————————
INSIDE ILYA ROZANOV'S | IN THE BAG | VOGUE
5M views , 12 hours ago
Vogue - 1.8M Subscribers
————
@puck_brain_rot "I polish out the scratches every Sunday morning while he is asleep so he doesn't feel bad" I AM CRYING IN THE CLUB ILYA IS SO DOWN BAD 😭😭😭
@ottawa_stan_99 SHANE HAS BEEN CARRYING A 5 POUND RIVER ROCK AROUND OTTAWA FOR THREE DAYS I CANNOT BREATHE 💀💀💀💀
@hollanov "i polish the scratches out every sunday morning so he doesn't feel bad" SIR THAT IS YOUR HUSBAND NOT A STRAY PUPPY WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS 🧎♀️💥💥💥
@hollander_supremacy "It is like having a golden retriever on the roster" SHANE HOLLANDER GET UP OFF THE FLOOR BRO 😭
@hockey_hoe_69 the jump from "i will burn his passport in the fireplace" to "i secretly bought him the exact marble from his cozy autumn vibes pinterest board" IS PEAK ILYA ROZANOV BEHAVIOR
@skiforlife he literally shines a laser pointer at shane's skate during game film to keep his attention HE TREATS HIS NHL ALL STAR HUSBAND LIKE AN ORANGE CAT I AM DECEASED 🐈⬛🟢
@puck_me_pls BITING A RAW UNPEELED LEMON WHILE HOLDING UNBLINKING EYE CONTACT WITH REPORTERS??? MENACE BEHAVIOR. ABSOLUTE PSYCHO. 10/10 NO NOTES 🍋💥
@ilys_wife he literally uses his husband's lavender spray to sleep through turbulence im throwing up ✋😭😭😭
@shanehollanderhusband Shane. The rock is a high quality Ottawa river stone. You are welcome.
↳@realshanehollander @shanehollanderhusband I wondered why my tote felt heavier. Where is my passport, Ilya.
↳@shanehollanderhusband @realshanehollander In the fireplace. (Check under your pillow, Дорогой.) (sweetheart)
↳@ottawacentaurs @realshanehollander @shanehollanderhusband Please bring both the river rock and the laser pointer to tomorrow's practice. Coach wants to test a theory.
@vogue We are not responsible for any domestic disputes, missing passports, or rock filled Bottega totes resulting from this video.