Work Text:
[Eight members of the Ottawa Centaurs once again stand outside a restroom in the private area of YOW airport. They're all dressed casually in matching team hoodies and sweats while they talk with each other, happy expressions on all of their faces, except for Shane Hollander, who hovers by Ilya, with a look on his face that says he'd rather be anywhere else. Brandon Wiebe can be seen in the background sitting in a chair on his laptop. They begin to exchange the shopping bags they all hold: Zane Boodram handing his to Wyatt Hayes, Wyatt gives his to Ilya, Ilya passes his on to Evan Dykstra, Evan gleefully places his bag against Shane's chest, Shane rolls his eyes and hands his bag to Luca Haas, Luca passes his to Troy Barrett, while Troy tosses his bag to Nick Chouinard, who can finally hand his to Zane. Shane examines his bag warily, lifting it up and down to test its weight as he shoots a skeptical look at Evan.]
Shane: Why does it feel like there's nothing in here?
Evan: Oh, trust me. There is. It's maybe the greatest purchase I've ever made in my life.
Shane: I don't think I've ever trusted you less.
Evan: But you trust me a little bit
[Wyatt is first to change into his new pants. He comes out of the restroom still wearing sweats, but the plain black pair he'd worn before are now replaced with something much bolder. The pants are covered in stars, the color a deep blue at the top, slowly changing to black with hints of green and red scattered throughout. Near the crotch of the pants, there's a cat dressed as a cowboy riding a great white shark that is vomiting a rainbow. Wyatt smiles as he opens his arms for everyone to take in what he's wearing.]
Wyatt: I know these are supposed to be ugly, but I actually really like them.
Ilya: They are the most Wyatt Hayes pants to ever exist, though I couldn't tell you why.
Zane: I thought the same thing when I bought them. They just screamed Hazy to me in the best way.
Evan: You know sometimes the best things in life can't really be explained.
Ilya: That's surprisingly insightful, Dykstra.
[Evan slaps Shane on the back and smiles while Shane glares at him.]
Evan: I'm just full of wins today.
[The next person to come out of the restroom is Nick Chouinard. The pants he dons are completely covered in iridescent rainbow faux fur. Nick bends slightly at the waist to run his hands through the fur while the men chorus out 'wow' and 'woah!']
Nick: God, I haven't felt such a strong need to go to a rave since I before I had kids.
Ilya: You'll have to settle for an extra coke and Dykstra leading karaoke on the plane.
[Nick grins and points to Ilya.]
Nick: Deal.
[Evan Dykstra appears on screen coming out of the restroom in bright orange, see-through fishnet pants. His trunk underwear are completely visible underneath as he struts forward, doing a dramatic turn when he reaches the men to show off.]
Evan: Damn, Roz. You really took Hazy's strategic cutout comment to heart.
Ilya: You like them, yes? I thought maybe you could use them on your next hunting trip.
Evan: Yeah, fish net seems really practical in the wilderness.
[The men laugh and Shane rubs at his eyes, causing Ilya to look at him with concern. He nudges him gently with his elbow.]
Ilya: Are you alright?
[Shane looks momentarily confused before his face relaxes and he smiles.]
Shane: Oh, yeah. I'm just really glad those aren't mine, cause I'm wearing the—
[He seems to remember himself, looking at the camera with wide eyes before he visibly swallows and shakes his head as a smug smile appears on Ilya's lips.]
Shane: Nevermind.
[Troy Barrett emerges from the bathroom wearing wide-leg cargo pants with a striped rainbow pattern on them throughout. The pants are so long and wide at the base that the tips of his shoes barely peak out. The men cat call and clap for him, as he spins around once, apparently pleased at the selection.]
Troy: These are actually really comfortable.
Ilya: You look like the gayest handyman I've ever seen, and I love it.
[Troy's brow draws down at Ilya's comment, his eyes flitting down to the pants and then back up as something seems to click.]
Troy: Wait. Is this because I'm gay?
[There's a mixture of laughter and exclamations with Ilya shouting, "You're what?!" along with Evan's, "I had NO idea," while Shane just shakes his head with his arms crossed over his chest.]
Shane: Yes, Troy. It's because you're gay.
[Troy blinks a few times before he nods while his teammates continue with large grins on their faces.]
Troy: You should try these, Shane. They're so practical and they're really-
Shane: No.
[Luca Haas is next. He exits the bathroom wearing a pair of drop-crotch pants that are cinched at the ankle. The pants are made up entirely of patchwork denim in varying colors of blue. They also include two large cargo pockets on the side with a tie at the elastic waist. Luca looks unsure as he glances from his pants back up to the group in front of him.]
Luca: Is it weird I think these are kind of cool? I mean, I get they're supposed to be ugly, but I like them a little.
Shane: They are ugly.
[Ilya lightly slaps Shane's arm, and they look at each other, a silent conversation happening before Shane starts to backtrack.]
Shane: I mean that's totally subjective obviously. If you like them, that's valid and you look really great. I had a hard time picking out pants for you because even the silly options seemed like something you could pull off.
[Luca blushes and Ilya beams at Shane.]
Luca: Thank you, Shane.
Evan: I love them, Haas. I have never seen a more perfect use of denim, and if they disappear from your duffle bag, it definitely wasn't me.
[Ilya Rozanov appears next in baby pink velour track pants. They barely fit him, the fabric stretched tight across his thighs as the bottom him barely touches his ankle. He grins as he walks toward his team, most of them appearing confused, including his husband.]
Shane: The fuck? Seriously? What's ugly about these except they're obviously too small.
[Ilya's grin widens as he twists his body so that the back of his pants can be seen. There, in sparkling silver rhinestones, is the word 'Juicy.' It hugs the curves of his backside like it was molded specifically for him. ]
Ilya: It's perfect, isn't it? Because my ass is so juicy.
[Everyone laughs as Shane bites his lip, his cheeks stained a pink that almost matches Ilya's pants as his shoulders rise and fall with what appear to be deep breaths while Ilya continues to show off his bedazzled ass.]
Wyatt: And it's vintage, too. They don't make them like they used to.
Troy: Do I want to know how you know that?
Ilya: I don't care how you know it, because these are my new favorite pants.
Shane: Mine too.
[Everyone looks at Shane in surprise, and he appears to realize what he's said as his eyes dart back and forth from Ilya smiling to the team.]
Shane: Fuck, did I say that out loud?
[Zane Boodram walks out of the bathroom in another pair of pink pants. His are hot pink and contain layer upon layer of frilly tulle cut into ruffles that span the entire length of the wide legged pants. He moves with a swagger and confidence, and when he reaches the other men, he pivots one foot and does a dramatic spin, causing the ruffles to move with him in a delicate dance of fabric. His teammates applaud while Zane looks incredibly pleased.]
Zane: Goddamn, is pink my color? I think pink is my color.
Ilya: I think it is all of our colors. Hey, coach?
[Brandon Wiebe looks up from his laptop in the background.]
Ilya: Think we could get the league to let us change our main color to pink?
Wiebe: Yeah, I'm sure the NHL, who is well known for having an open mind about all the things, would love for us to be on the ice in pink every game.
Ilya: So, what I'm hearing is you'll make it happen?
[Wiebe looks back down to his work, but gives Ilya a thumbs up.]
Wiebe: It's at the top of my list.
[Shane Hollander is the last to change into his new pants, though they could barely be called pants in the traditional sense. He comes out wearing extremely short red athletic shorts that bunch in the front because they can't manage to stretch over his powerful thighs. There's loud whistles and clapping as Shane walks toward them, a blush on his so deep that it stretches from his neck to the tips of his ears.]
Evan: You have to turn around so they can see the best part, Hollander.
Shane: I'd rather not.
[This doesn't prove to be an issue as all the men quickly move to stand on the other side to see what's on the backside of the shorts. Their cheering grows louder, and Ilya grabs Shane's shoulders, maneuvering him so that his ass is now facing the camera. On the shorts in block, white letters, it reads, "Most Ass-thletic." There's barely enough fabric to cover Shane's ass cheeks, and Troy's eyes bug out of his head while he moves around to continue to look at Shane. Ilya grins so widely, nearly all of his teeth can be seen as he begins to wipe at his watering eyes.]
Ilya: This is so perfect, I have no words.
Troy: Neither do I.
Evan: You're welcome, world.
Ilya: This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Shane: You all know it's like negative ten outside, right? That's freezing even when my most athletic ass if fully clothed.
[This appears to give Ilya pause, a concerned look crossing his face.]
Ilya: I'm sure Troy would change pants with you so you are not cold.
[Troy looks stricken at the thought of Shane changing pants, and Shane seems to be torn between two terrible options. They both answer, 'No,' rather emphatically.]
Shane: Why won't you trade with me?
Ilya: You would deprive the world of this?
[He turns his body so the word, 'Juicy' can be seen prominently once again. Shane sighs deeply in resignation. He walks to pick up his duffle bag, bending down so far that it leaves what appears to be a string of a thong peeking out of his shorts, causing Ilya to scramble to place himself between Shane and the camera. When Shane straightens back up, he looks at Ilya oddly as he slings his bag over his shoulder.]
Shane: Whatever. Let's just get this over with.
[Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen plays as the video cuts to show the Centaurs slow-motion walking toward their chartered flight. Their faces are serious as they walk to the plane, not giving away an ounce of embarrassment at the absurdity of their outfits. When Shane and Ilya walk past the camera, Shane avoids looking at it, while Ilya blows his signature kiss straight at the screen. When they've walked past, the 'Most Ass-thletic' and 'Juicy' clearly seen on their backsides, Ilya reaches out and slaps Shane's ass, the impact rippling down his thighs. He stops, mouth open at the brazen gesture, and Ilya looks boldy back at him with a cocky grin. Shane slaps Ilya's ass in retaliation, leading to the two men pushing at each other playfully until they reach the plane, fighting for positioning in order to get up the stairs first, their asses bouncing the entire way before they stop at the top of the staircase and kiss deeply.]
@centaurshockey Best ass-thetic in the NHL. See you tonight, Toronto!
Posted December 19th at 1:11
***
@newtralzone 😦
@lifeinthebox clear eyes, giant asses, can't lose
@theblackandred HOLY SHIT did you see how his ass JIGGLED when Rozanov slapped it?!?! Putting this in slow-motion is diabolical
@troybarretthockey @theblackandred I saw it.
@yunahollander Shane, honey, you really should cover up when it's this cold outside.
@davidhollander you boys are ASStounding!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
@stickhandler010 god, I love this team.
@puck4me so, shane hollander is Daddy AND has an ass like that? some people really are god's favorite.
@lucahaas @puck4me And he really is the most athletic, too.
@nickchouinard ooooo, @lucahaas you're going to get in trouble with your beloved captain for saying that!
@b00dramzane @nickchouinard you can't joke about that. He'll start hyperventilating.
@wyatthayes @ilyarozanov81 you lucky son of a gun ❤️
@evandykstra @ilyarozanov81 wait, so when you said you got cake the other day, did you mean like cake, cake or CAKE?
@realshanehollander @evandykstra @ilyarozanov81 Don't answer that.
@ilyarozanov81 @evandykstra 😏🍑🎂😏😏💦💦💦🎂
@evandykstra @ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander 🫡🍑🎂🍑🎂🍑🎂🍑🎂🍑🎂
@b00dramzane @ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander 🍑🎂
@wyatthayes @ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻
@troybarretthockey @ilyarozanov81 @realshanehollander 🥵😭😭😭
@realshanehollander @ilyarozanov81 @evandykstra @b00dramzane @wyatthayes @troybarretthockey 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🍑
@troybarretthockey Are we just all going to ignore the fact that Shane is wearing a thong?