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Phil was sitting in his chair beside fireplace, a guitar in his hands. He had finally started to play music again after his boyfriend had left him. Phil had been heartbroken and depressed for two months after Dan had left the apartment. Phil had cried and tried to talk to Dan but nothing had helped. Their relationship was over.
Phil played quiet D note with his guitar and started to sing his new song:
“I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted
I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted
And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine”
~
“Look at that woman!” Dan whispered to Phil. They were at the near park and were watching people passing by.
“Oh dear. Is she aware that her pants are in paint?
“I don’t think so. Should we tell her?” Dan asked.
“She’ll be fine. It’s just embarrassing if we tell her”
“You are such a jerk” Dan laughed and kissed Phil on the lips.
----
Phil was calling Louise. “Hello”
“Hi Phil. Are you feeling better?” Louise asked, sounding worried. Dan had left Phil two weeks ago.
“No. I’m a mess. I can’t write music or sing or do anything.” Phil said. He felt a lump growing in his throat.
“I am so sorry for you. Do you wanna talk about it yet?”
“No, I just wanted to know… Have you talked with Dan?”
“Yes. It was yesterday I think”
“How is he? Is he okay?”
“Yeah he told me he was totally fine”
“Oh… Okay.
~
“Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all
I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the tears running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made”
~
“Dan why do you always break things?” Phil asked sounding a bit too angry.
“I don’t do it on purpose! I am just clumsy!” Dan retorted.
“I am getting tired of this. You break something every day! One day you will set this house on fire and we will die! You should try to be not so clumsy Dan!”
“Do you think I don’t try already?” Dan asked venomously.
“Yes I do. If you did, you wouldn’t break things!” Phil shouted.
“Well you are breaking things too all the time nowadays!” Dan shouted and was about to cry.
“What do you mean?”
“You break my HEART!” Dan shouted and stormed to his room, slamming the door shut.
~
‘I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape
'Cause I'm not fine at all’
~
“Phil, do you remember that night at the beach?”
“Of course. It was our first date. The sky was full of stars and we kissed under the moonlight. How could I forget?”
“Of course you wouldn’t. I just want to remember it forever and when we are old we can sit in our house and look back at those moments”
~
“The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone
I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone
And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around”
~
Phil was scrolling through his photos two days after the breakup. All the pictures they had taken together when they travelled around the world. He couldn’t believe what had happened. It felt like Dan would walk in any minute and say he wanted Phil back. But deep down Phil knew Dan would never come back.
~
“It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on
It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long
It's like we never happened, was it just a lie?
If what we had was real, how could you be fine?
'Cause I'm not fine at all”
~
Phil pressed Dan’s name in his phone contacts. He called and waited, but no one picked up. Just like last week, and every day after that. It was like Dan had disappeared from the universe. Dan had blocked him in all of his social medias, but Phil still had that tiny pink heart beside Dan’s name in his phone contacts. He just couldn’t move on.
~
“I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the tears running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made”
~
“Dan is everything okay?” Phil called from behind Dan’s bedroom door.
“Go away. I don’t want to talk to you!” Dan shouted angrily and sobbed.
“Dan I am so sorry. I didn’t mean it. Come here and talk to me”
Dan opened the door and stood in front of Phil, tear marks all over his face.
“I said go away!” Dan shouted and slapped Phil at his cheek.
“Ow! Dan please let me explain!” Phil tried but Dan had already slammed the door shut.
~
“I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape”
~
Dan and Phil were sleeping happily together. Phil’s arms were around Dan’s waist and his face was buried in Dan’s hair. Dan held Phil’s hands and enjoyed the feeling of having someone to sleep with. How could they ever sleep without each other?
“I love you Phil”
“I love you too Dan”
~
“If today I woke up with you right beside me
Like all of this was just some twisted dream
I'd hold you closer than I ever did before
And you'd never slip away
And you'd never hear me say”
~
The first morning after Dan left was the worst for Phil. He panicked a little when he didn’t find Dan sleeping beside him. Then he remembered what had happened and started sobbing. How could he ever get used to this? How could he make it without Dan sleeping next to him?
~
“I remember the day you told me you were leaving
I remember the tears running down your face
And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them
Like every single wish we ever made
I wish that I could wake up with amnesia
And forget about the stupid little things
Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you
And the memories I never can escape”
~
Dan was standing by the door with his backpack on his shoulder.
“I am leaving Phil. Goodbye.”
“Dan don’t go! I love you more than anything!” Phil cried.
“I love you too but this just doesn’t work. You don’t care about me enough. I’ve had enough.If you can’t accept me with my flaws you are not worth of my time” tears were running down Dan’s face.
“Dan you are perfect just the way you are”
“You don’t really believe that. All you did was tell me about my flaws. And how I wasn’t enough. That hurts Phil. And it happened all the time so don’t think that this will ever get any better.” Dan turned around and walked out of the house.
That was the last time Phil saw Daniel James Howell.
~
'Cause I'm not fine at all
No, I'm really not fine at all
Tell me this is just a dream
'Cause I'm really not fine at all.