Chapter Text
Rin stays rested on the snow-covered grass, eyes blank and dark.
“Get lost, Rin,” Sae had said.
Was football even worth pursuing if he couldn't chase his brother and play with him? He grits his teeth. Ah — the pulsing ache in his chest… It’s so painful, he thinks he could keel over right then and there.
Shoddy.
Useless.
An eyesore.
Unnecessary.
Lukewarm.
Those were the words his brother used to describe him. They replay, over and over again, until they're branded in his mind. Itoshi Rin is shoddy, useless, an eyesore, unnecessary, and lukewarm.
Ah… Why is he even here?
Maybe he'd have more worth as a corpse to Sae.
Weakly, he rises, no longer wanting to feel the snow under him seep into the fabric of his pants as it melts. Fuck. What was he supposed to do against his brother? What could he do? His eyes want to cry, to let tears fall, but he blinks them away. Sae never cried, so he shouldn't either. Sae was always strong.
Rin wants to laugh at it all, because even after being abandoned, he’s still under Sae's shadow. If Sae did this, he'd do it too. If Sae was reserved and nonchalant, he'd be too. If Sae was ready to risk it all, he'd be ready to die too. He walks towards the football that sealed the separation between him and Sae and rolls it under his heel.
He wants to deflate the ball so bad.
Instead, he grits his teeth and kicks it to the center of the field. He thinks back to how Sae beat him as he walks.
Honestly, it was beautiful. It was a display of beautiful destruction that Rin heavily envied. His heart begins to race, not just because of the emotional pain, but because he was able to experience the fruits of Sae's work firsthand right after he returned from Spain early.
It's both inspiring and heartbreaking.
“Ah fuck,” Rin curses, hitting his head with the palm of his hand, “do I want to beat him or do I never want to see him ever again? I fucking hate it. I hate it all!”
The ball swerves towards the goal and it nearly hits the crossbar due to the uncontrolled power of the kick.
It stays under the net for the rest of the night.
Rin sits on his bed with a huff, feeling his weight make a dip in the mattress. He's just come back from school and as weird as it is to admit it (at least, for him), he already misses it.
Home is a reminder. A terrible one.
It's been a day since Sae came home. It's been a day since their dream was broken and tossed in the trash. It's been a day since Rin lost the light in his eyes, the only support he had, and his will to live.
Mom and Dad have been fussing over the golden child of the house for hours. They even accompanied him to check whatever is up with his visa. Honestly, Rin thinks that if he stays in his room the entire day, they wouldn't notice.
Could he blame them? No. Rin thinks that he'd probably disregard himself if it meant spending more time with Sae too. Their eldest son just came home after almost two years of training and living in a foreign land, plus, he's barely staying for two days. Apparently, he can't stay any longer after the whole visa ordeal blows over. Something about 'having a lack of vacation days’ and 'training for other matches’.
Sae was likely meant to come home only when his passport was due for renewal in less than three years, not at the start of the snowy season in November, but near the end of it in May. It makes Rin feel disappointed. He wishes Sae never left Spain so soon. He wishes there was no issue with his visa. He wishes for a little more time, a little more time when he was still under the illusion that he was beloved by the one person who allowed him to shine somewhere.
It hurts.
His arms tingle.
Oh. There it is again— the urge to bring a knife to his wrists. Rin is no stranger to it. In fact, he's probably bound to the feeling by now. It feels like chains are wrapped around his arms constantly. Anything that reminds him of the cuts on his arms makes the chains tighten. It's gotten so bad, the color red (no matter how innocent the context) makes the chains dig into his flesh.
… Red.
The image of Sae's hair appears in his mind. Rin pictures red bangs and thinks to himself, 'He doesn't have bangs anymore.’
It's an insignificant thought. Anyone can change their hairstyle. Yet, to Rin, the thought feels heavy. Then, his mind focuses on how most of the baby fat Sae once had was gone, replaced with imperceptibly sharper cheekbones. He thinks back to Sae's figure from two years back. The image is blurry, but he thinks that the 'new’ Sae is marginally more skinny. He doesn't know for sure; it was hard to tell in the midst of their conversation. He doesn't feel like peeking from the stairs to confirm his suspicions.
Regardless, he can still sense a slight shift in Sae's state all because he's always watched him. All the time, without fail.
Rin looks at his hands and imagines his own face. He imagines the shape of his jaw, the feminine length of his eyelashes, the typical downwards curve of his lips, the way his hair covers every feature he possesses like a veil — all of it.
He probably hasn't changed a single bit. He doesn't think he has. Maybe he's gotten more muscular, maybe his facial features have gotten more defined as puberty hits, but nothing as noticeable as Sae. Heck, he doesn't think he can imagine the current Sae smiling.
Silently, Rin wonders if the lack of change makes him less worthy, makes him less important.
Maybe he should smile less from now on, just like Sae.
With a groan, the green-haired boy covers his face with his hands. He doesn't want to see the world and he bets it doesn't want to see him either. Yet, he needs to freshen up or do something worthwhile. Anything would do if it made him feel real and alive.
He stands up and stretches. His teal eyes scan the messy room and he bites his lip, almost embarrassed at the state it's in. Rin barely remembers anything from last night. He thinks that he came home, sulked, and in a fit of rage, broke a few things. Still, the memory is fuzzy, almost inaccessible or painful to recall, and he doesn't feel any anger.
In fact, he feels at peace. It's weird, but Rin has learned to not care as much. To not think and let things happen, even if he doesn't know what's going on. Does it worry him? Maybe. Although, the worry doesn't bite and chew as much as he thinks it should. Rather, he felt protected.
“... I want to play football,” Rin resolves. Even if Sae abandoned their dream, abandoned him, he still wants to play.
It's childish. So very childish, but something in him really just wants to be broken down into a simple man who chooses to kick a ball on a field of grass out of his own free will.
He changes his clothes, gets his cleats and a spare ball in a bag, and heads out.
Luckily, Rin makes it out of the door without his parents asking him to not go out so late or talk to Sae thanks to their quiet absence. They probably went out without telling him, and with Sae too. He frowns. He doesn't know how to feel about being left alone without a word.
‘Whatever’, he thinks, because thinking about it makes his head hurt. A lot.
The night sky looms over him as he passes through the dimly lit streets. It's not a long way to the nearby field, but it's long enough for him to start spiralling again.
He wonders if going out is the right choice, if continuing to play football is okay.
Suddenly, his chest tightens and he begins to overthink everything he's done in the past few days. Rin frowns, bites his lip, and digs his nails into his palms.
The pain alleviates his distress by a meager amount, but it helps.
Knowing pain, seeking pain, and controlling pain has always been something Rin found solace in. It's a bit weird, considering his way of finding solace both helped and made him feel uncomfortable. Still, pain has always helped in one way or another. Whether he found pain through reckless movements, silver blades, or leaps of faith, it always helped.
Rin is reminded of the scarred chains once more.
Ah.
He's arrived.
Slipping on his cleats, he dribbles the ball and does a few heel flicks. Good — he's still got it. The green-haired boy doesn't know why he feared losing his skills. No one could lose their ability to do something overnight, but Rin feared the scenario regardless. After being shown the sheer difference between him and Sae, he feared that the defeat sucked the skill out of him. It's a weird way of thinking, but Rin is weird, so does it really matter?
A few snowflakes land on his clothes.
It's snowing again. Light, but snowing, and it mixes the feelings in his chest like soup.
His perception of the winter season is going to change forever. One part of him feels awe seeing the cold flakes, but a bigger part will always be glad that snow is rare in Kamakura.
Rin starts kicking, doing anything he can to put himself at ease. He kicks, scores a goal, dribbles the ball into his scoring range, and repeats. Kick, score, return. The actions are ingrained in his body like scars and he allows the cycle to loop, almost without thinking. It makes him feel like he's floating somewhere where he doesn't need to think as much.
Saliva pools in his mouth and he swallows. A brief breeze makes his body shiver.
“Ah,” he exhales, frustrated, “Should've brought a jacket.”
That's another thing to beat himself over. Although, he doubts that he'd catch a cold over a cold gust of wind. If he does, he'd literally beat himself for being weak. Bang his head a dozen times against the wall, maybe.
Clap, clap, clap.
Rin's thoughts are interrupted by slow claps and he turns around so swiftly, he almost falls from the rotation. A dark-skinned boy with a buzzcut — obviously a foreigner considering his European features — stands with a smile. When Rin turns to look at him, he slowly stops clapping, as if inviting the younger to take the opportunity to say the first word.
Rin gladly takes the invitation.
“Who are you?” he asks in English, albeit accented. He's been studiously learning the language recently, considering he planned to use the knowledge to converse with foreign players in the future and understand the live commentary on television. He wasn't really sure if the skill would prove useful after Sae beat him, but it's proving so now; anything goes.
“Oh, you know English,” the man remarks, tone relieved, “I was worried I'd have to speak with you through a translator app or something. Your kicks and precision remain remarkable despite your focus, or should I say, lack thereof.”
Rin ignores almost everything the man says — he keeps a mental note of the game knowledge the other possesses — and firmly, but cautiously, reiterates, “Who are you?”
“I'm Julian Loki. What about you?” Loki smiles despite the tension. Something about the way his lips curl so easily makes Rin relax, just a bit.
“... Rin,” the younger grumbles reluctantly, his last name stuck in his throat.
“Hello, Rin,” Loki greets properly, something weird glinting in his eyes, “Would you mind accompanying me to a café or restaurant to chat?”
“Why should I trust you?” Rin narrows his eyes. His teal orbs seem to battle the other's golden ones, but despite the lack of aggression or hostility, Loki is winning.
“Alright, I get Japan can be rather restrained when it comes to foreigners. It's fine, I don't mind,” Loki comes closer, eyeing the ball Rin has abandoned not too far away. Casually, he plays with it skillfully before shooting it straight into the goal. The power of the shot echoes throughout the field. Then, he turns to look at the green-haired boy, “Play a match to five with me. If I win, we'll chat, and if you win, I'll head back and leave you alone. Is that okay with you?”
Rin doubts he has anything to lose, so he nods. What can this European do anyway? He's just another NPC in this world.
He swears he won't be defeated.
Not again.
…
It's a complete loss.
Rin bites the inside of his cheek as he wipes the sweat off his face.
He may have scored a single goal, but he's almost positive that Loki let it happen intentionally. It was as though the first round acted as a head start, because Rin couldn't curry favor from the goddess of victory right after.
Sure, he had his moments — times where he was just barely an inch away from a steal and times where he underestimated Loki's insane speed — but he wasn't good enough to take those opportunities and turn them into real goals. Loki is an absolute beast and Rin is sure that he'll end up in a big league some day. Become someone famous.
Just like Sae.
He quickly shakes the thought away.
He feels humiliated. After being so guarded and confident, being sure he'd win, and still believing he would when the score was 1-4, he can't stay calm. However, he hesitantly accepts the defeat regardless. What made the acceptance so difficult is that Loki seemed to be around his age and he's already this good. It wouldn't be wrong to say that Loki could be a good match against… him.
It feels like yesterday again. It feels like Sae crushed him, not this foreigner.
Reality is just a huge slap in the face for Rin. He should've just stayed home and he regrets ever stepping foot out of his home.
This is so tepid.
“A deal is a deal,” he sighs in resignation as he starts packing up, “Where do you want to go?”
Since Loki is just a foreigner, he requested Rin to choose. Thus, the younger brought him to a small local diner. Rin thinks he is starting to get hungry too. After all, he skipped dinner at home. Fortunately, this diner has ochazuke; his favourite.
At least one thing has to go right today and it will be this meal.
Rin chooses ochazuke and green tea, so Loki does as well, likely having never tried the dish before. The two of them put their orders in and take a seat. The tension from the field, albeit more calm after their game, carried over and it feels like they might have to start all over again. Though, that's likely just how Rin feels, because Loki is extremely laid-back, as if the minimal sweat he excreted washed every single one of his worries away.
It makes Rin feel a bit envious and he starts scratching at his wrist.
When their food and drinks arrive, Loki begins to speak.
“You see, I'm currently training to be a starting player of Paris X Gen — you may have heard of the team — in their academy, planning to advance from a lower level team, and am also working to find talent like you, which is why I came to Japan,” he says as he pokes his food around, a crease near his eyes displaying his curiosity. Or disgust. Rin hopes it’s the former, but he immediately recognizes the team and internally shivers, his spoon momentarily frozen in his hand.
Is this guy even aiming for the national team too? No, he's definitely aiming for that. He's a monster. There's no denying it.
No wonder he thought Loki and Sae were so similar. The two are basically on the same path as prodigies and geniuses. The only difference is that Sae was recruited into a subsidiary team and Loki is studying in an academy (although, it seems like his circumstances are a bit different… perhaps even accelerated?). He supposes that Loki was chosen for his speedy talent like how Sae was chosen for his bountiful potential.
Loki continues, “I have a kid at home, you know? Not a toddler or anything. His name is Charles and he's probably not more than two years younger than you. I plan to make him my personal passer when he's older, make him stand next to me, and now I plan to make you share the same podium we will as a second option and companion — a path to countless opportunities.”
“Why me?” Rin blurts out before he completes processing all of what Loki has stated.
“I see you have talent, the will to turn that talent into something big, and something hidden inside you,” Loki turns to his food, taking a few bites before looking back at Rin with a knowing smile, “Besides, I'd like to see what the brother of that up and coming Itoshi Sae can do.”
So he figured it out. It doesn't take a genius to, but it still makes Rin uncomfortable and it likely shows on his face.
“You're asking me to go to France and train with you and that kid?” the green-haired boy asks to confirm.
'Are you sure?’ is what Rin truly wanted to ask. He knows how he is and he knows that he may just cause trouble. The lines on his arms display just how messy he could make things be.
The uncertainty and fear of being a bother starts to weigh down his shoulders.
Loki nods, his voice cutting through the hesitation polluting Rin's mind, “Yes, and we will be the best in the world.”
He says it with such bold aplomb, it almost feels impossible to deny or refute. It's like the foreign prodigy has never considered that his dream may be crushed one day.
Rin envies it — envies Loki — so much. This boy, who isn't much older than him, has already accomplished so much. It's all really just a huge slap in the younger's face.
The two of them don't talk after that. They continue eating, taking sips of green tea in between. Rin doesn't know what to think. He hates his mind, because as always, when it comes to a conflicting choice, it's like the opinions of multiple people crash into each other and burn.
One part of him wants to go with Loki, but only because he's been kind, and anything might be better than sulking at home right now. Another part wants to challenge Sae and use this opportunity as a stepping stone to victory. There's also a part that fears he'll turn out the same way as Sae — broken and exhausted. By the time Rin debates each and every opinion, his bowl and glass are empty and he's muttering his thanks for the meal.
Loki stands up and says something about paying for the meal before walking away. Rin's being alone makes the choice even harder. Should he listen to Loki more? Should he express his gratitude for the meal and head home? Miss this once in a lifetime chance to show his worth?
He doesn't know. Not yet.
Soon, Loki returns and nods, signalling for Rin to get up and leave.
“What do you think about my offer?” Loki questions as they walk side by side, back to the field where they met.
… It's really not every day you get an offer to change your life and improve yourself. He thinks about Sae, potentially defeating him and finally being worth something. No, he will fight against Sae. He will make his brother acknowledge him, make him talk, and stand on the same stage as him. Rin's eyes harden with resolution and he looks at the older.
“I accept.”
“Good.”
He's not going to stay the same tepid child he is now.
When he returns home, Rin passes the living room, but no one is there. 'How long are they going to be out?’ he wonders, his eyes trailing on the calendar before he realizes.
Oh. Right…
Sae is only staying for two days. Mom and Dad are probably sending him off after eating dinner and haven't come home yet.
Rin has been mixing up dates more often lately and he hopes he won't mess up when it's time for him to leave for France. He'll jump off a bridge if he misses the flight.
“Leaving in a week,” he reminds himself, using his nail to mark the date on the calendar before walking away.
The moment he enters his room, his phone buzzes; it's presumably a message from Loki. Before going their own separate ways, the two footballers had exchanged their contact information. Rin was added to a group chat with a few French numbers and another with just him, Loki, and an unknown number. He's unable to see any chat history if there is any, so there's only one message he needs to read.
‘I have just added Itoshi Rin to this groupchat, who I have chosen to be one of the next upcoming players of Paris X Gen. Please ensure you converse in English for now to accommodate him. We'll be meeting him in person in a week's time.’ is what the message says, written by Loki.
Then, comes another message by the time Rin is done reading the first one. This time, it's in his and Loki's direct messages and there's a link to a contract's file. It's filled with a bunch of legal language Rin can't quite comprehend in its entirety since it's in English. However, he scans the rest — specifically the part about accommodations and guardianship — and gauges that he's going to require French classes (education in general), live with Loki, apply for a French citizenship (this clause is optional), and be assigned a manager from Paris X Gen to help him ease into the foreign country and deal with anything professional.
The green-haired boy starts to brood. There is no way he is going to approach Mom and Dad about this alone. He thinks he'd rather get beaten by Loki a hundred times than having to talk about how yes, he met a stranger, and yes, he's going to be accompanying said stranger in a foreign country and living with him. He types a message about requiring help to explain the document to his parents and he gets a thumbs up reaction.
It's a wordless response, but nevertheless, a relief. This is the second thing Loki has done that Rin feels thankful for.
Suddenly, the other groupchat gets a multitude of spam messages. It almost makes Rin turn his phone off for the night or break his phone entirely, but he decides to check it out. If it's important, he can't afford to miss it.
He doesn't plan to disappoint so soon.
In the other groupchat, the one which has had its name changed to 'family :D’ (and Rin doesn't admit it, but the name makes his being feel… weirdly calm and anticipating), the unknown number has sent about fifty messages. Rin types a small and curt greeting of 'hello’ before another thirty messages are sent without fail. In the midst of the spam, he notices a message from Loki that states that he'll ‘get him to stop’ because ‘introductions are in order’.
Rin thinks about it and he deduces that the 'him’ that Loki is speaking about might be the boy named Charles he mentioned. The kid that Loki has at home in France. Rin thinks he seems like an…unfortunate bundle of energy despite having never met him face to face nor held an actual conversation with him yet.
It's different. Alien and unfamiliar.
The realization hits him— his life is going to change from now on.
It won't be just his life either. It'll be his, Loki's, and Charles’ combined because they now share a destiny.
“This is fine,” Rin says once and then slowly repeats, but inside, he's still conflicted. He's discarding his and Sae's dream too. Not only that, he's crafting a new dream with foreigners he barely knows. Additionally, he'll be going pro if things go right. He'll be fighting on a bigger stage with strong teammates and opponents. With Loki and Charles, Rin will find out about the world his brother has tapped into — the world that he'll stand at the top of.
He sends a short, final message about heading to bed and turns his phone off, placing it on his desk before lying down on his side.
He feels drained.
So much has happened in the span of a few hours and it makes his head hurt.
Fuck. It's probably going to hurt even more when he has to explain to his parents that he's going to France, signing a contract with Paris X Gen, and living under Loki's roof. They might cry. They might scream. They might actually be okay with sending him away since they've done it before almost two years ago.
The thought of their potential indifference makes him so frustrated, his nails dig into his palms, erecting a tiny hiss from his mouth.
Regardless, Rin's heart feels a bit of peace when he thinks about his own independence, ambitions, and being away from his parents. Being away from any trace of Sae, even if it's his own flesh and blood, is liberating. He grasps his wrist and rubs lightly, reassuringly.
“We'll be fine,” Rin mumbles absentmindedly.
He thinks about Sae once again, but the thought of his brother isn't the thought that accompanies him to sleep. Something else does — something warm, determined, and hopeful.
Despite it all, something nibbles at his heart and mind. That is, the phrase: nothing lasts forever.