Chapter Text
i.
you remind me of pablo neruda sometimes
because
i didnt know who you were until i was thirteen
and i cant stop reading your words over and over
and also that you are so in love
with love as a concept
that you make me love it too
you remind me of pablo neruda when
you explain this alien concept of love
multiplied by four and your mouth moves
like me understanding this is the most important thing
you have ever accomplished so someone
can share in the feeling of knowing love from
the outside which is sometimes better than feeling
from in
before all this you and pablo were
text on a screen to me and now you are
real and here and burning a hole in
every layer of me and all i want is
to understand and for you to fill me with
your words shouted or whispered and
make me know you like it feels like you know me
ii.
the first time i saw you
you were imploding like a dying star
and right then you sucked me into
the black hole that is you and your entirety
i was gone the first second you screamed
yourself hoarse and i was in disbelief
that a person could stand to exist
that much
and so deeply
and with so much inside them.
iii.
since ive known you you have always
been in love with someone
you love a lot of someones but you
were in love with a few
i wanted to know what its like to feel so much
that you can say you made the stars for someone
and mean it
and mean that you painted the lines of his bones
in the atoms that make up the stars and me
and how i looked at the stars when the sky was
clear and i was sad and had to not be
to know now that they were never
mine
but yours to his and i think thats unfair
to have so much love in those stars
for one person who didnt know what you meant
when you crafted them
that you gave him the universe and pinpricks
of light that each mean something different
and whole and unique and
i
wish
they
were
mine
iv.
the first time you touched me you were angry
every time i think about that it makes me feel a
little sick because you were so angry but you didnt hurt
me your hands have always been gentle and when i think
about
it it was me who touched you because you were being
terrible and i didnt want you to be terrible i didnt
want to see you being terrible
you dont share people
i think i was disappointed with you because
you were so pure and golden in my head and
your anger burned clean and hot and beautiful
but your jealousy burns like coal dust and
i cant breathe because of it
you make me hate loving someone because
you love her too and ive never been able to share
anyone because i am the one that loves too
deeply and sacrifices every ounce of defence
ive carefully crafted and i thought you knew me but
maybe
you didnt and i feel betrayed
for reasons that probably arent the ones
anyone is thinking of and i am enraged and
want to cry but you
want this to work so badly want your happiness
and everyone elses but that isnt how it works
i want to cry so i just make fun of you and joke
and i dont want us to be like this but lately
being around you hurts like flying too close to the sun.
v.
i saw you crying exactly once and i didnt know why
i wanted to know why so i could rip apart whatever
made you look at me like i just destroyed you
by seeing you with streaks on your face
and a hole in your heart and you made me swear up and
down
i wouldnt tell anyone
i never want to destroy you because
everyone that youve ever loved has
ripped a piece off your heart and ate it
and if i take my share there wont be any
you left and that is tragic, that is a damn shame
because as much as i want to consume you and
absorb you into my system forever
you are too important to me
for me to even think of being that selfish
i want you to take all of me
you are my best friend and even though ive
never cried in front of you youve taken my hand in
yours when i feel like my soul is wasting away
trapped in this godawful indestructible casing
of flesh that holds me too much
and when you touch me i feel like you know
what all that means and you know that sometimes all
it takes to make it stop is just a single touch
i kissed you exactly once and it was lackluster
it was our first
and im so glad i did it even if it sucked because
i dont know how im ever gonna get to you again
and our friends are hurting us against their will
and im not who i was when i met you three years ago and
i choke on my own tears as i hold pictures in my hands
that i want
to rip apart because you arent in them and that
idiot isnt me anymore
i hurt too much and i love too big for him to be me
if you were here youd take them from me
and sit me down and just sit with me
when you’re there it doesn’t hurt so badly
we both hurt.
so. badly.
and when were together we split it up and we deal
and it isnt perfect but now the smell of your hair
is the smell of home.
and im scared because i might never get to come home
again.