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Thomas wasn’t one to mope. He wasn’t one to be whine and groan about things.
But still, he was only human.
And whenever he had a particularly bad day or week, sometimes his emotions got the best of him.
He was lying in bed, snuggling with James, like he did almost every night. But… he wasn’t really feeling the usual contentment and joy he felt when he was with his boyfriend.
He seemed to be a lot more… overwhelming recently. Not overwhelmed. Overwhelming, as in… he was the one causing people to be overwhelmed.
He had been arguing with Alexander a lot more, had been making more jokes that didn’t lighten the mood like they were supposed to, had been causing more annoyance overall…
He already knew he could be a lot. He’d almost always known. Still, it seemed like he was too much recently. And not in the way that made people affectionately roll their eyes and laugh. It was in the way that drove people away, in the way that made people scoff at him and dismiss him.
Thomas looked down at his sleeping boyfriend in his arms, and a lump rose up in his throat, choking him with the emotion he felt.
Poor James… having to deal with Thomas’s nonsense.
It seemed like Thomas was being met with more of those exasperated, almost pleading “Thomas”’s from James more and more often whenever he tried to lighten the mood during the work day. Like he was only making things worse for his partner.
They both always apologized - even though Thomas thought it was silly that James was apologizing for not wanting to joke while he was trying to get serious work done -, and everything ended up being fine between them.
But in Thomas’s mind… well, that was a different story. He still felt terrible for stressing James out in the first place, no matter how many times James said that he didn’t really mind.
Tears started to drip down his face as he hugged James closer. “I-I’m sorry….” he said quietly, trembling despite how hard he tried not to.
“…. sorry for what?”
Thomas froze. He had thought James was asleep.
In truth, James hadn’t quite been awake before Thomas’s apology, nor had he been asleep. But now he was looking up at Thomas with concern, as wide awake as someone could be after being pulled out of a dozing state.
Thomas looked down at James, and the lump in his throat grew more painful. “I-I…” Before he could properly explain himself, a soft, ugly sob escaped him.
He put a hand over his mouth before more sobs could make their way out. But it only seemed to make him sound more pathetic, with the way the hiccuping sobs became muffled and quiet.
James didn’t waste a moment, and he immediately hugged Thomas close. “Breathe, Thomas… don’t force yourself to speak if you can’t yet….” he said softly, nuzzling against Thomas and gently brushing his hair to try and soothe him.
Thomas gripped the back of James’s shirt and sobbed into the other man’s chest. He felt so stupid. So pathetic. He was the one that had created these problems in the first place, if anything, and now he was crying from the consequences of his own actions.
He knew that it was more complicated than that, that he was crying from the guilt he felt from his actions, but… that didn’t make him feel any less pathetic and selfish.
“I-I’m sorry, Jemmy… I’m sorry for stressing you out so much…. Like I’m sure I’m stressing you out now…” he said sadly.
James held Thomas even tighter as he heard the guilt in his boyfriend’s voice. His heart was practically breaking at the sheer shame that was radiating from Thomas.
“Thomas, you don’t stress me out…” he said softly.
“Yes, I do.” Thomas insisted, another sob wracking through his body as his hands clenched even tighter around the fabric of James’s shirt “All week, you’ve had to b-b-break up my arguments with Hamilton, a-and deal with my stupid j-jokes, and… I just don’t understand why you put up with me when I’m so goddamn dramatic..!”
Even Thomas himself didn’t know why he said that last part. He’d thought it before, sure, but never with that much venom towards himself in it, never so… harshly.
He had never meant for it to leave his mind in the first place, and he immediately regretted letting it slip out.
James teared up as he looked down at Thomas, burying his face in Thomas’s hair. “Thomas, don’t say that… I swear, that couldn’t be further from the truth.”
He held onto Thomas with all the love and care in the world, pulling him closer as he pressed a kiss into Thomas’s curls. “I…. I do get stressed from the arguments, I’ll admit, but…. I’m not mad at you….. I’m not stressed from just you by yourself…. and I just haven’t been in the mood for the jokes recently….”
Thomas still couldn’t stop crying. Tears continued to roll down his face as he rested his head against James’s shoulder. Great. Even when he apologized for things, he was overly dramatic.
“Then this whole thing is just proving my point further… I’m making a big fuss over nothing.” he said bitterly “I’m just making more trouble for you to deal with.”
James let out a shaky sigh. “Tommy… I could never be upset with you for being upset….. comforting you doesn’t make more trouble for me…” he said “I care about you, a-and I couldn’t imagine getting mad at you for being human… besides… if this is dramatic, then the way I act whenever I’m upset is unacceptable, by that standard….”
He gently cupped the back of Thomas’s head and held him closer. “I don’t care if you’re being dramatic… besides, I don’t see it that way…. I never could….”
Thomas whimpered and started to cry harder. “Well, it’s hard not to beat myself up like this anyways when I think I’m hurting you….” he said. He tried to chuckle sadly, but it came out as more of a choked, painful-sounding rasp. “And the fact that I…. bottle it all up makes it feel like an explosion when it finally comes up, y’know..?”
He trembled against James, looking up at his boyfriend with tear-filled, tired eyes. “Can you just… hold me..? Just for a little while..?” he asked quietly, sounding a little more pleading that he meant to.
He pressed his forehead to James’s shoulder and let out a trembling sigh as his eyes closed. “Just don’t let go of me…. please.”
So James did. He held Thomas, and he didn’t let go of him, just like Thomas had asked.
And eventually, Thomas started to calm down, leaning into James’s touch heavily. He still felt pathetic, but having James there made it better. “…… thank you.” he said gratefully, nuzzling against James.
James smiled softly as he nuzzled back against Thomas. “You’re welcome…” he replied.
Thomas couldn’t help but yawn. “Man… all this emotional release and vulnerability has me tired…” he joked. He snuggled closer to James and let out a small sigh. “I love you…” he said quietly.
James’s eyes softly drifted shut. “I love you too…” he whispered, letting his hands rest gently against Thomas’s back “And I always will…”
Thomas smiled at James’s words. “Yeah… always.” he agreed, resting his temple against James’s as he let his eyes fall shut.
Thomas drifted off quite quickly, and James was soon to follow. Thomas could sleep much better knowing that James wasn’t upset with him, and relax much easier now that he had had that release that he often prevented himself from having.
And it was truly calming to know that James would always, always be there for him.