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“—and make sure Jay eats too, alright?” Alex’s mom turned and shook her finger as she lowered the slow cooker’s temperature.
Alex smiled and nodded, silently begging for his mom’s ride to show up. His fingers tapped anxiously on his notebook, and he kept glancing to to the front door whenever she wasn’t looking.
“What’s the assignment, anyway?”
“Oh, it’s a history presentation,” Alex said, rattling off the excuse he’d spent the afternoon building. “We’ve been studying Industrial Revolution developments, and we got assigned glass-making. The pairs are supposed to take turns presenting, but I got the teacher to let me do all the talking while Jay handles all the visuals so he doesn’t have to talk in front of the class.”
“That’s very sweet of you, Alex! I hope—” A sharp honking interrupted his mom, and she hurried to grab her purse. “Well, that’s Grace! Money’s in the envelope on the fridge, don’t do anything crazy while I’m gone!”
“I’ll try my best!” Alex called after her as she ran out the door. He waited until he heard the squeal of tires. Then he let out a sigh of relief, tossing the notebook on the couch. Finally. Now he just had to wait for Jay to show up.
He was surprised that Jay hadn’t shown up before his mom left. Surprised and a little worried.
Around lunch, Jay had snuck up behind Alex and asked what he was doing that evening. Alex’s mom had a work conference and was going to be out of town for a few days, and when Alex said that Jay’s eyes had lit up.
And Jay asked (practically begged) to stay late at Alex’s place. He’d had a fight, a ‘really dumb fight’ with his parents, and he didn’t want to have to talk to them yet.
However dumb Jay said it was, Alex could see the unease on Jay’s face. He didn’t know what, exactly, was bothering his friend, but something clearly was. So he agreed, told Jay roughly what time his mom would leave, and had his mom leave a voicemail for the Merrick household saying where Jay would be.
If it was a school assignment, then neither’s parents would put up a fight; and if the voicemail came from another parent, that minimized the odds of Jay getting into more trouble. Maybe they had actual homework they could work on. But especially with his mom out of the house, Alex planned to throw on a movie or a game, something to keep Jay’s mind off of whatever was happening at home.
When Jay finally got there, he seemed to be thinking the same thing. He immediately—and somewhat awkwardly—probed Alex about how Ocarina of Time was going (not well, to be honest!). Before long they were both sitting on the couch, half-eaten sandwiches left in the kitchen and the front door locked for the night.
“I keep having to backtrack—” Alex waved his hand at the screen, careful not to let the controller fall off his lap, “—and every time you have to pause the game to take the boots off or put them back on, which is really not making it easy to keep track of where I am!”
He heard Jay snort, and glanced to his side. Jay had a composition book open in his lap, carefully drawing out a series of shapes. “Hold on, are you—” Alex leaned over, only for Jay to pull away. “Are you drawing the map?”
“Uh— yeah, well—” Jay shifted, burying himself into the corner of the couch he was already pretty close to. He shoved the book towards Alex, saying, “I figured then we could cross out each room on each floor as you explored, so you weren’t doubling back as much?”
“Wait, that’s smart.” Alex smiled, but it faltered when Jay didn’t smile back. In fact, he wouldn’t even look at Alex. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Jay answered too quickly.
“No, it’s something.”
“I— I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, you’re not exactly doing a good job of ignoring it, either,” Alex replied.
Jay sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. “…Sorry.”
“I’m not mad, dude. Just…” Alex hesitated. For someone whose teachers and mother would scold him for not being a good enough listener, this was a strange place to be. “I’m just kinda worried.”
Jay closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
“Do you think you should talk about it?”
“Promise not to tell anyone?” Jay’s voice was quiet, small.
Alex nodded. “Yeah, promise.” He watched as Jay sat forward, both hands behind his head now. After a while without a response, Alex opened his mouth agai—
“I’m gay.” The words seemed to fall out of Jay, who was never the most eloquent but whose voice almost fought him now. “I— I like guys. That way. I told my parents, and—” He closed his eyes, somehow curling even smaller than before. “…that’s why I don’t wanna go home.”
“…Oh.” Alex had noticed Jay’s lack of a girlfriend, the fact he never even asked anyone to homecoming or prom or the like. But he’d chalked it up to Jay being shy, awkward, not antisocial but not particularly social either. Not… that.
The surprise and confusion were overpowered by something else, though; especially when Alex saw a shudder run through Jay’s body. “Hey, it’s not… I don’t mind, I just… wasn’t expecting it.” Alex cleared his throat, trying to force a level tone to his voice as something bubbled in his stomach. “Did… your parents took it badly?”
“No.” Jay almost sounded like he was going to laugh. “I mean, Dad didn’t really respond at all, he just kinda… stared. Mom kept trying to tell me I was just… confused, but that they were there for me, but she… she wasn’t really listening, either? But it’s not like they threw me out, so I dunno—”
“That is a very low bar to clear,” Alex interrupted, and he knew his voice was a bit sharp but really, just because they didn’t kick Jay out didn’t mean they took it well. Especially if Jay didn’t feel welcome at home anyway.
“Mmh.” Jay shuffled his feet. “I guess.”
“Does anyone else know?”
“No.” Jay’s voice trembled. “I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. You were the only person I could think of.”
Alex scooted a little bit closer to Jay’s end of the couch. “Well, your secret’s safe with me.” Carefully, he picked up the composition book between them, closed it, and set it on the floor. “I swear. Scout’s honor.”
Jay finally laughed, albeit a choked-up and pained laugh. “Since when were you a scout?”
“You’ve only known me a few years, you don’t know what I did as a kid!”
“You wouldn’t last a day camping in the woods.”
Alex gently kicked the side of Jay’s shin, getting another laugh. “Oh, like you wouldn’t get lost the second you stepped off the path,” Alex retorted.
Jay wiped his face, a sobering reminder of why they were having this conversation. The two sat in silence for a moment.
“And you don’t…” Jay hesitated. “You don’t mind me being here? When you’re home alone?”
“What, like—” Alex raised an eyebrow. “I mean, even if you’re into me, I don’t think you’d be an asshole about it.”
“That’s good.”
“…Are you into me?”
“No!” Jay’s eyes went wide, and he shook his head. “No, I— you’re my best friend, but that’s it, I swear—”
“Whoa, whoa—” Alex tossed his hands up. “I wasn’t gonna be mad or anything, it’s just… I know I’m not into guys, so I thought I should let you down easy if so. That’s all.”
Jay sighed. “Okay. Yeah, sorry.”
“Don’t worry ‘bout it.”
“I just…” Jay turned away, staring intently at the game’s pause screen. “I don’t… I don’t want things to get weird between us. I know it… it probably will a little bit, after today, but…”
“Well, I don’t think you’re some kinda pervert.” Alex shifted back to his side of the couch. “And last I checked being gay isn’t contagious, so you don’t have to keep me at arm’s length. So try making yourself comfortable and see if that helps your mood at all.”
Soon, Jay was sitting close enough for Alex to read the map over his shoulder. Jay didn’t cringe (or at least it wasn’t as obvious if he did) when their hands would brush by accident. And when offered a spare blanket and a chance to delay that awkward conversation with his parents for another several hours, he took it with minimal convincing.
*BEEEEEEEE—*
“I’m right here!” Jay had to laugh as he stood up from the front step. As if he hadn’t seen the car pulling into the driveway. He shoved his phone in his pocket and zipped up his coat.
Meanwhile Alex had rolled down the window, one hand over his face to block the drizzling rain. He grinned as Jay ran up, yelling, “Get it, loser!”
“Says the guy with the window down!” Jay threw the passenger door open, pleasantly surprised to see the seat empty. Still he tried to bury that surprise when he said, “You weren’t kidding about cleaning out the car, huh?”
Yeah, well,” Alex shrugged, “if I’m driving two hours just to get to Rosswood… the gas mileage would appreciate it, at least.”
“Fair enough.” Geez, it looked like Alex had even vacuumed the inside. Must’ve gotten really sick of it, Jay thought.
“I should’ve asked if you wanted to drive, sorry—”
“Nah, don’t worry.” Jay waved it off before Alex could get any further. “Really don’t wanna try to drive in this weather.”
“Yeah…” Alex squinted out the windshield. “I think it’s gonna get worse, too. If you wanna stay home instead, I wouldn’t blame you.”
“Mm…” Jay thought about it, then sighed. “No, I need to be somewhere other than work or home.”
So despite the storm picking up, Jay buckled in and Alex reversed out of the driveway. The rumbling of the road mixed with the hammering rain and distant thunder. Jay was glad he wasn’t the one behind the wheel; it still made his blood pressure spike, even though he was medically cleared. And though rain was a sort of bittersweet comfort for him, he could see Alex fighting the low visibility and the wet road.
“Do we need to park for a bit?” Jay asked.
“It’s fine,” Alex snapped. He took a deep breath, then shook his head. “Sorry, sorry.”
“You’re good.” Jay raised an eyebrow. “But that probably means—”
“Yeah, I should pull over,” Alex finished.
The first chance they had, Alex pulled off the road into the nearest parking lot. It was shared between a bank and some specialty school Jay hadn’t heard of. A few potholes formed tiny ponds in the asphalt.
When the thunder cracked, it rattled the floor of the car under their feet. “So,” Alex said, turning off the ignition. “I think we should stay in here.”
“Rather than run for the businesses that may or may not be open in this weather?” Jay asked. “Probably smart.” He dug out his cell phone, typing a short text message. “Just gonna let Tim know we’re okay. Do you know the name of either place?”
“No, can’t read the signs in this,” Alex grumbled. “Though it shouldn’t matter unless the car won’t start or something.”
“Yeah, I don’t think we’re gonna get stuck at this point.” Still, he sent a quick message so Tim knew he and Alex were somewhere safe. Looking out the window, Jay picked through the curtain of water and mist. He wasn’t sure what he was looking for (though he could certainly guess), but it helped him feel less like they were stranded in the middle of nowhere.
Alex was staring out into the rain too. His arms rested on the steering wheel, brow furrowed, one foot tapping. “Hey,” Jay asked. “You okay?”
It took a while for Alex to answer. “I guess,” he muttered.
“You sure?”
“It—” Alex sighed, rubbing his temple. “It’s not a Rosswood problem, don’t worry. It’s a me problem.”
Jay couldn’t pretend that wasn’t comforting to hear. “Do you wanna talk about it anyway?”
As Alex turned the radio down, the last lyric Jay heard stuck out. ”Please don't tell me that we had that conversa—”
“So.” Alex leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms. “I’ve been screwing around on some forums, right? Some film pages, some general-use…” He sputtered for a moment. “A— so— you’re not supposed to use your real name online, right?”
“Sure.”
“Not like there aren’t a thousand Alexs in the world, but y’know. So, since my username has a buncha numbers and stuff, I figured I’d put a nickname in my signature that folks could use! And…” He waved one hand as he spoke. “And because of the name I chose, everyone on those forums thinks I’m a woman, and… and I don’t think I mind?”
Jay sat forward.
“It’s— it’s not the only reason I’d been thinking it, but now people are actually calling me a ‘she’ and I don’t— I think I like it?” Alex’s voice broke on those last few words. The free hand smacked the steering wheel. “And I dunno what to do with that.”
“Hey, you're okay.” Jay didn't know what to do, or say, other than try to comfort his friend as best he could. So he squeezed Alex’s shoulder, tangled confused thoughts trying to pull themselves in order. “You’ve… felt this way for a while then?”
Alex nodded. A choked, short laugh, then, “This is news to you, then?”
It took a moment for Jay to catch on. “I… yeah. But, y’know… I don’t know if I would’ve caught on.” I don’t think you would’ve told me, he kept to himself.
“I guess that makes sense. But I was hoping.”
“And I’m here for you now.”
Alex rested his her forehead on the wheel. “Okay,” she mumbled. Wiping her cheeks, she took a deep breath. “Yeah, it’s… I’ve been thinking about… I dunno if the word is ‘transsexual’ or ‘transgender.’ I’ve seen both words, but I don’t know what the difference is. I don’t know if I even count until I do something about it.”
“Like surgery?” Jay didn’t really know how that sort of thing worked. The only time anyone mentioned the word ‘transsexual’ around him, they refused to spend any time on it. Still, Alex’s nod as she sat up told him that he was going in the right direction. “Do you want something like that?”
“I don’t know!” Jay knew pretty well the difference between Alex being mad at a specific thing and being mad at the universe, and the way she waved her hands and the disbelief in her eyes meant the latter. “That’s a lot to think about, y’know?! I— I don’t even like having my hair long—I tried it over the winter and I hated it—does that mean… anything?”
“There’s plenty of girls who don’t like long hair,” Jay reassured. After considering for a moment, he added, “And I mean… Not that I fit the cliches all that well, but… this would technically make you a lesbian, right?”
“…Fuck.” Alex slapped the dashboard. “Yeah, I— I guess that would, huh?” Rubbing her eyes under her glasses, she snorted, biting back either a laugh or another curse.
“So, y’know, short hair might be the way to go anyway.” Alex shook her head, and Jay couldn’t help but smile. “I can’t believe you lied to me about being straight, though. Like, you could’ve told—”
“Shut up,” Alex gasped. Jay slapped her arm gently, getting a swat in response. “Oh my god. Good to see you’re taking this well.” As if she wasn’t grinning too.
“You spent the better part of a decade pestering me trying to find me a boyfriend, alright? I get to take this as payback.”
“Really?” Alex tilted her head, staring at Jay. “That’s what you want payback for.”
“Ye—”
“That’s the thing I’ll never live down to you.”
“Yeah, pretty much.”
“You’re—” Alex groaned. “Y’know what? Different conversation.”
The two sat in the relative quiet. The thunder had moved away again, and the rain was just white noise. Alex seemed to be watching the road, trying to judge how safe it was based on the few cars that passed.
“Do you want to change your name?” Jay asked.
“Mm… I dunno.” Adjusting her glasses, she continued, “I mean, if I just say it’s short for ‘Alexandria’ instead of ‘Alexander,’ then I guess I wouldn’t need to. That’s kinda what I do online: different nickname, but same source.”
“Maybe you can use the same name in-person? Or a variant?”
“Oh, god no. If someone compares me to the chipmunk from Spongebob to my face, I— No. Not doing that.”
“That’s fair.” Jay leaned forward, trying his best to stretch his back.
“What do you think?”
“Hm?” He glanced over at Alex. “What do you mean?”
“Should I change my name?” Alex had one arm rested on the steering wheel, staring out the windshield at nothing in particular. Her voice dropped, bitter as she added, “I mean, who knows when I’m gonna have the guts to tell people anyway.”
“I…” Jay sighed. “I don’t know. You’re right, this is… kind of a big thing. And I don’t know if I’m okay making that decision for you.”
Alex rubbed her jaw. Jay noticed how smooth it was—Alex had never really tried to grow facial hair, but there wasn’t even a hint of stubble. That was one of the only things she could do in the short-term, he supposed.
“The guys will be okay with this,” Jay said. Alex narrowed her eyes, and Jay added, “I mean, I’d like to think most people you know will be, but Tim and Brian… they won’t give you trouble over this.”
“Yeah, I’d hope so.” Flipping on the windshield wipers, Alex then drummed her fingers on the dashboard. “Rain seems like it’s clearing up, right? Or is that wishful thinking?”
“No, I think you’re right.” Jay grabbed his seatbelt. “We should take off before it picks up again.”
“Can you be there? Whenever I go to tell the others?”
“Yeah.” Jay put his hand on Alex’s on the dash, and Alex twisted her wrist to squeeze his. “Whenever you’re ready, just let me know.”
Alex smiled, even while her eyes shimmered again. “Well then,” she said, faking a relaxed annoyance, “let’s get lunch before we starve to death out here.”