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“Hah!” Battat threw his cards down to the table. “I win again!”
Battat had finally agreed to join Jongler and Pluey for an evening of games at the Pippinses makeshift casino. He had been reticent to accept their invitations for several reasons. One being that he’d always had terrible luck, something the other Pippinses like to poke fun at him for. He was often dealt terrible hands, no matter the dealer, and typically rolled low numbers. It was in his nature to enjoy playing games, but constantly losing put a damper on the fun.
Pippinses were inherently good at any game; a Pippins could hear the rules to a game once while half asleep but then remember them like they’d been playing it their whole life. For Pippinses, cheating was an accepted addition to any game; the consensus being that if you were caught, you immediately lost the round and usually had to do some kind of punishment, like taking a shot. Battat wasn’t very good at cheating; he’d been told he had a very recognizable “cheating expression” when he was lying or hiding something, that he couldn’t get rid of no matter how much time he spent trying to school his expression in the mirror. (He was glad he wore a mask when he was Mike.) Instead, he relied on his ability to strategize, something he was exceptionally good at. But even so, no matter how good you were at the game, the end result still depended on luck.
Battat had been surprisingly lucky that night, often finding himself with high valued cards. Even when dealt a less-than-ideal hand, he was still able to win through strategy. In fact, he hadn’t lost a single game so far. None in their trio were big gamblers, only betting a handful of points at a time, but after several games, Battat was slowly bleeding them.
“Guess youse just too good compared ta us, boss,” Jongler said, sounding proud rather than dismayed at the loss of their points. Pluey, clad in their Mike costume, trilled in agreement, leaning against Jongler. Jongler wrapped one arm around Pluey, gently rubbing their shoulder. Battat’s stomach twisted, and he averted his gaze.
That was the second reason Battat hadn’t wanted to join them. Whenever they acted so lovey-dovey with each other, it made him so jealous grossed-out that he felt ill. He just felt like a third wheel on their date, and he didn’t need them rubbing in how single he was.
He downed the rest of his beer, deciding this would be a good moment for a re-fill, and to give them a bit of space to get some of the mushiness out of their system. “This round’s on me!”
“Thanks, boss!” The warm gazes they shot him gave him butterflies that he quickly stomped down.
“It’s no biggie! Otherwise, you two will run out of points before the end of the night. Be back in a sec!”
Battat went to order at the bar. Pluey liked drinking White Russians, something milky to match their cat costume, which they wore almost 24/7. Battat had initially been worried it would be bad for Mike’s reputation, but no one seemed to find it unusual, and Battat couldn’t find it in himself to tell Pluey to take it off when they were clearly much happier wearing it. Jonger’s ‘all-age appropriate' battery acid was much cheaper in comparison, so Battat demanded it be loaded with several umbrellas, a silly straw, and every garnish they had. For himself, he stuck to a classic beer.
He grabbed all three drinks at once, something that usually wasn’t an issue for him, but since Pluey insisted on drinking out of a saucer, it was a bit of a challenge to balance. As he felt the drinks start to slip out of his hand, he quickly put them down on a table to reposition them. Pluey and Jongler were seated only a few tables ahead, so it would be much easier just to take one or two at a time, but he had his pride.
“Be sure ya do it every third card.” Jongler’s voice caught Battat’s attention, and he found himself watching them. Pluey was shuffling the deck, purposefully inserting high valued cards at specific intervals.
Battat couldn’t believe his eyes. A Zapper cheating? It was almost laughable. With anyone else, Battat would have called them out immediately, but Battat didn’t mind letting them win one or two rounds. He would have to give them a lesson on discretion later.
Battat waited until they were finished to bring the drinks over. “I'm back! Sorry for the wait!”
He took a big swig of his beer. For once, he was eager to lose the round. He picked up his pile to see all... high values? Had they messed up? But both Pluey and Jongler looked perfectly content. Maybe they all had high valued cards, to even the playing field? But, that didn’t match what he saw them do. So maybe it was the deck that had the trick. But as the round went on, it became clear that he would win again.
Battat put down his last card, feeling none of the triumph from the previous rounds.
“Looks like ya win again, boss!” Jongler said, pushing the points towards him.
“Looks like it...” Battat stared blankly at his pile.
He then grabbed his beer and chugged the rest of it. “I need another drink...” He didn’t wait for a response before leaving.
Instead of going to the bar, he found a quiet area where he could pace back and forth without running into someone.
Jongler and Pluey had reverse-cheated. They cheated so that he would win. Had they been doing that all night? They must have been. He had never been this lucky in his life. But why? Did they pity him? Using a game to throw points at him, so they could pat themselves on the back for helping the poor, lonely Pippins, like he was some kind of charity!
Battat tripped over his feet, almost smacking his head into the table, but catching himself at the last second. Maybe chugging that last beer had been a bad idea...
He marched over to the table, ready to give them a piece of his mind! He stopped short as he caught a bit of their conversation.
“...if he knows?” Jongler said, to which Pluey shrugged in response. “He seemed so happy before. It’s been so long since I's seen ‘em smile like dat.”
Pluey trilled in agreement, then signed something.
“Bored? Hm... maybe dat’s it... We’s been playing da same game for a while...”
Battat backed away, as they discussed possible games.
So... what? They were cheating to make him happy? Because they were his friends?!
He had mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it was sweet of them. The fact that they were going to such lengths to make him happy, made him feel a little giddy... and yet... If they really wanted to make him happy...
He shook his head. He should be content with their friendship. He needed to stop wishing for them to return his feelings. He shouldn’t be greedy. Pining after them while they were so clearly happy together was just pathetic.
He swallowed the lump in his throat, the alcohol making him more emotional.
He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath.
Okay. He decided he wasn’t angry with them. He was still a little annoyed though. Even though they were doing it to make him happy, they were still effectively deceiving him. He didn’t want them to let him win, he wanted to win fair and square! He didn’t mind if he lost either, as long as everyone was trying their best.
He arrived at the table with another beer. “Sorry about that! I got caught up with something!”
“No worries. We’s were wondering if youse wanted ta play something else?” Jongler explained the rules of the new game, but it was unnecessary; Battat already knew the rules by heart. But the new game would be even better for his purposes. It was much harder to cheat, or to lose on purpose with this one... assuming the deck was properly shuffled.
“Sounds great!” Battat said as he started gathering up the cards on the table.
“Oh, we’s already-” Jongler started, but Battat had already begun shuffling the cards, “dealt dem...”
“Oh, really?” Battat feigned ignorance. “Oops! Oh, well, a deck can’t be too shuffled right?”
Jongler and Pluey shared a look that Battat pretended to ignore.
“But I gotta say, you two don’t seem too motivated.”
“Whadaya mean, boss?”
“I mean, I’ve won so many times, it’s like you guys don’t even want to win.” He pretended not to notice how Jongler and Pluey both stiffened at his words. “So... maybe we should raise the stakes.” They obviously didn’t care about losing points, not that they were betting much to begin with, so he had to make it so they really didn’t want to lose.
“What are ya thinking?” Jongler asked cautiously.
“How about...” An idea popped into his head that he quickly dismissed. He tried to consider other options, but his initial idea taunted him from the back of his mind. Eventually, the idea was too enticing, winning over his guilt. If they questioned him about it, he would just blame it on the alcohol. “If I win again, you two have to give me a kiss!”
The pair froze, clearly shocked. Jongler’s buttons turned a little red. Battat would like to think they were blushing, but they were probably just scandalized. Pluey was hard to read under the costume, but they were fidgeting with their tail like they did when they were flustered... or uncomfortable.
“S... sounds good, boss,” Jongler said, meekly. Battat resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He said ‘sounds good’ as if it weren’t something he was clearly dreading.
Battat finished dealing the cards. “Let’s play!”
Battat stared at his cards. He had won again. He really thought he would lose this time. Not that he’d been trying to lose. He just expected that the consequences of his potential win would have motivated his friends to try harder. His cards hadn’t even been especially good, but he played them to the best of his ability. Any cards the others had should have been enough to beat him if played right. ...but maybe he was too used to playing with other Pippinses. Even though they suggested it, for all he knew it could have been Jongler and Pluey’s first time playing this.
“So... do we’s kiss you now?” Jongler’s posture was rigid, buttons glowing red.
Battat had made the bet under the assumption that he would lose. Sure, he wanted them to kiss him, but forcing them to do it just felt gross. He was taking advantage of his friends who were just trying their best to make him happy.
“Haha,” Battat faked a laugh. “Don’t worry about it! It’s not fair to you two. I’m a Pippins so obviously I was going to win. I’ll just take these points and...” His beer was still almost full, but he was debating downing it and getting another.
“How’s about we’s get something if one of us wins?” Jongler suggested.
“As in other than points?” Battat asked, to which the pair nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, sure.” If he were playing with Pippinses, he would make them clarify, or else they’d try to make him do something crazy for sure. He trusted Pluey and Jongler, so whatever they wanted couldn’t be that bad. They’d probably just ask him to clean the bathroom or something. Plus, it was doubtful they’d win anyways.
Battat dealt the cards.
Battat won again, having naturally dealt himself a good hand. But unlike every other time, Jongler and Pluey looked frustrated.
“You suggested this game, I thought you’d be better at it,” Battat teased.
“Jus gettin’ warmed up!” Jongler stretched, as if that would help them win. ...though to be honest if they did it during the game, it could distract Battat enough to help them win.
Battat dealt the cards again. His hand wasn’t as good this time, but he could work with it. It soon became obvious that Jongler’s cards were much better. It they played them right then...
Jongler won.
“Your first win of the night!” Battat grinned, feeling just as elated as if he’d won himself.
Pluey cheered while Jongler rubbed their neck bashfully.
“So, what do you want?” Battat asked, sipping his beer.
“Could youse...” Jongler wrung their hands, buttons slowly glowing red. “Give me an’ Plues a kiss?”
Huh?
“Huh?”
“O-only if dats okay with ya!” Their hands shot up in surrender.
“Uh... sure?” Battat was honestly a little mystified by the request. It was doubtful they actually wanted a kiss from him. Maybe they were just saying so that he wouldn’t feel awkward about asking them to kiss him.
Battat dragged his chair between the other two so he could stand between them. They both looked at him expectantly, making his heart rate kick up a notch. Before he could second guess himself, he pressed a quick peck to Jongler’s face and Pluey’s cheek.
Pluey made a displeased sound.
Battat quickly pulled himself as far away from Pluey as possible, almost falling off the chair. “Shit, sorry, I should have asked!” It had been Jongler’s request, but that didn’t mean that Pluey was okay with it.
Jongler raised a brow at Pluey, who, looking almost equally panicked as Battat, quickly trilled out some notes of reassurance.
When Battat put his chair back and sat down, Jongler was still giving Pluey a judgmental look, while Pluey covered their face in... shame? Embarrassment? Battat couldn’t tell, but unlike Jongler, he didn’t blame Pluey for not wanting a kiss from him.
Battat cleared his throat as he gathered up the cards. “Again?”
Jongler and Pluey both nodded, looking determined.
Battat won again, but the round was close. He could tell the others were putting more effort in now, and that made him happy. Jongler asked him what he wanted for winning, but he said the points were enough for him.
Pluey won for the first time that night. Battat and Jongler both cheered for them.
“What do you want for winning?” Battat asked.
Pluey’s eyes lit up. Jongler nudged them, sending them a warning glare. Pluey pretended not to see it. Battat didn’t know what kind of secret conversation they were having, but he wondered if Pluey was going to ask Jongler to do karaoke or something.
Instead, they turned to Battat, and signed ‘Can I kiss you?’
Battat flushed. “Uh, sure.” Why was Pluey asking to kiss him? They certainly didn’t seem to like Battat’s kiss. But maybe they just felt bad about their reaction to it and wanted a do-over.
Pluey made their way jauntily to where Battat was sitting. Battat turned his head to give Pluey access to his cheek. Pluey made a questioning noise. Battat looked at them, expecting them to sign something, but instead their hand reached behind his head to tilt it upwards.
Then they kissed Battat. On the mouth.
Unable to help himself, he immediately melted into it. Pluey lingered for another moment before gently breaking the kiss. It took every ounce of control not to lean forward for another.
Pluey jaunted back to their seat, nonchalantly, as if nothing happened.
Battat licked his lips. Pluey had tasted sweet, like their drink. Battat felt like he would do anything for another taste...
Battat tore his gaze away from Pluey to see Jongler staring at him. Their buttons were red, but their face was unreadable. Battat ducked his head, cheeks burning shamefully. Watching your partner kiss someone else surely wasn’t a nice experience. Plus, there was no way Jongler didn’t see how much Battat had enjoyed that.
Pluey trilled, getting both of their attention. ‘Again?’
Battat expected that Jongler wouldn’t want to keep playing, but if anything, they looked more determined than ever.
Battat sighed, took a big swig, and gathered the cards. “Sure.”
Battat should have won that round, but instead of focusing on the cards, his gaze and mind kept finding their way to Pluey. Jongler won, looking supremely pleased.
“You’re getting the hang of it!” Battat praised. “So, what do you want for winning?”
Jongler barely waited for Battat to finish before speaking. “Can I’s kiss you?”
Battat blinked. “...sure,” he said, uncertainly.
As Jongler stood, Battat wracked his brain for reasons that Jongler would want to kiss him. But then it was obvious: Jongler was mad at Pluey for kissing him, so they wanted to get revenge. That’s probably what the warning glare had been for. Jongler had known that Pluey would kiss him, probably to make Jongler jealous.
A shadow fell over Battat. He looked up to see Jongler towering over him. Since there was no way Jongler could kiss him from that height, Battat stood on his chair to get closer. They were still too tall. Rather than bend down, they picked Battat up under his arms, holding him so that their faces were only inches apart. Battat held in breath in anticipation... but Jongler didn’t do anything. They just kept staring at him, while the light on their head gradually turned redder. Battat tried not to squirm under their intense gaze, feeling like Jongler was analyzing him. He tried to keep an unaffected expression, but he could feel his face rapidly warming from the proximity. He screwed his eyes shut, hoping that would encourage Jongler to get it over with.
Finally, Jongler bonked their head against Battat’s. He thought that itself was the kiss, until he felt the buzz of electricity. The feeling wiped out of thoughts from his mind, as a pleasant tingling feeling traveled down his body, giving him goosebumps.
“Woah...” Battat said when Jongler pulled back, feeling a bit dizzy. “Cool...”
“Cool?” Jongler repeated, raising a brow.
“Well, yeah, I mean-” Battat flushed. “I just- I’ve never been kissed by a Zapper before! It’s a new feeling...”
Jongler stared at him for a few moments, before sighing and putting him back down. Had Battat said something wrong?!
Meanwhile, Pluey was trying and failing to hold in their laughter. If Jongler had wanted to make Pluey jealous, it clearly had not worked.
Pluey got a hold of themself by the time Jongler sat down. ‘Again?’
Jongler nodded. Battat wasn’t sure how much more of the game he could take. Still, he was a Pippins, and he loved to play.
Pluey won again. Fair and square.
“What’ll it be this time?” Battat was almost afraid to ask.
‘Can I kiss you again?’ they signed.
“Again?!” Battat asked incredulously.
Pluey nodded bashfully.
“Wh- I-,” Battat floundered. “You know, you two can kiss each other as well?” Or ask for something else entirely.
Pluey and Jongler shared a look. Pluey shrugged, prompting Jongler to lean down. As Pluey leaned forward to kiss them, Battat averted his eyes.
If he hadn’t said anything, then Pluey would be kissing him instead of Jongler. But, no, it was better this way. He didn’t know what made them think they had to kiss Battat, but he didn’t want them to feel forced.
He heard the scraping of chairs on the floor so, assuming they were done for the night, he picked up his beer and drank the rest. Putting the glass down, he was surprised to see Pluey and Jongler crouched on either side of him.
“What are you guys doi-” He was cut off by Pluey grabbing his face, forcing him to look forward. Jongler zapped one of his cheeks while Pluey planted a comically noisy kiss on the other. Jongler raised a brow at Pluey when they pulled back, to which Pluey responded by sticking their tongue out mischievously.
Battat couldn’t fight back his smile at their antics. He wondered if this is what it would be like if they were on a date. If this were something they did all the time together, that they actually wanted to kiss him, without it being part of a bet or a dare.
That reminder broke him out of his fantasy; they were only kissing him as part of a game. But even though it was part of a game, it wasn’t like he asked them to- oh, right, he did. But he had taken it back afterwards, so there was no way they could know how much he actually wanted to kiss them... who was he kidding, they could definitely tell! Jongler had been watching him when Pluey had kissed him, they could definitely see how much he enjoyed it. But that didn’t mean they knew about his feelings! They probably just thought he was a pathetic, drunk Pippins, desperate for any kind of action! ...actually maybe that was worse. But, no, it wasn’t worse! If they knew how he felt, they probably wouldn’t let him live in the Mike room with them anymore, or maybe they would quit being Mike, or maybe they would just stop talking to him altogether... He could not let them know his feelings.
“Boss?” Jongler broke him out of his thoughts. “Youse okay?”
How long had he been staring off into space? Pluey and Jongler were now both standing in front of him, looking concerned. “Yes,” he said, completely normally.
“Good, because... ah...” Jongler’s buttons gained a soft red glow. They turned to Pluey who gave them a thumbs up. “We’s... been wanting ta ask ya something.”
Battat tried not to show his panic on his face. “Yeah? What’s up?”
“Have youse ever thought about... joining our relationship?”
Oh no. They were onto him. “What!? No way! I’ve never thought about it! Ever!”
Jongler and Pluey both looked taken aback. Jongler looked at Pluey, who nodded back towards Battat. Jongler followed their nod, turning back towards Battat. “So... uh... could ya think about it?”
Now Battat was confused. “What? like... fantasize?” Why would they want that?
“Dat’s not...” Jongler’s face looked pained. They tried gesturing as they spoke to help them find the words. “We’s asking if... do ya think...” Jongler let their arms fall and turned to Pluey. “See, I tolds ya he’s too drunk,” they whispered.
“I’m not too drunk!” Battat defended reflexively. “I can totally think about it! Hmm, what would it be like if we started dating? Well, firstly, I’d obviously join you two on your dates. We’d all hold hands when we walked around. I’d sleep in the same bed as you two and get to cuddle you every night...” Battat sighed at the thought. “Maybe Jongler would hold me tightly while I pet Pluey to sleep... then in the morning, when Jongler gets up for their shift, I’d pull them back and give them a good morning kiss. Jongler would start making breakfast, and I’d drag Pluey out of bed so we could help... or maybe we’d just sit and watch them. Maybe Jongler would hum a little tune, and Pluey would harmonize, and then maybe Pluey would try to teach me how to dance... but I’d probably trip too many times, so Pluey would just pick me up while they danced. Jongler would probably join us, but I’d remind them about the food before it got burnt. Then we’d all sit down to eat. Jongler would probably try to feed us. Maybe I’d even sit on Jongler’s lap while-” Battat froze, the dopey smile he was wearing quickly giving way to panic. Shit.
Jongler and Pluey were both stunned. Jongler’s buttons were bright red, and even Pluey, who never seemed phased by anything romantic, was blushing too.
Battat wracked his brains for any way he could salvage the situation, but the alcohol was not helping.
Before he could come up with anything, Pluey let out a jazzy giggle, signing ‘Sounds like you’ve thought about it a lot.’
Battat’s face, pale from panic, rapidly filled with colour as he blushed hotly. He scowled in response to Pluey’s words, but he was actually a little relieved. He could live with Pluey thinking his feelings were funny. It was humiliating, but it was better than Pluey thinking he was disgusting.
...but what about Jongler?
Jongler was still frozen, exactly as before. As if sensing his gaze, they snapped out of their stupor. “So does dat mean youse wants ta date us?”
Battat rubbed his temples. “Obviously.”
Jongler brightened, literally, crackling loudly with static while Pluey let out a triumphant trill. As soon as the static died down, Jongler and Pluey scooped Battat up between them.
“Thank you boss! We'll do our best ta make ya happy with us!”
Huh?
Pluey tapped his shoulder to get his attention so they could sign. ‘Why don’t we go home and make your dreams come true?’
Huh???
“W-what are you talking about?!” Battat tried to push them away slightly, which was difficult without falling. “It’s not like you two want to date me!”
Jongler and Pluey, looked at him incredulously.
“What?!” Battat said.
Pluey turned to Jongler. ‘You were right. He is too drunk.’
“Hey! I’m not-”
Pluey’s eyes snapped to him, shutting him up. ‘I am going to be very clear,’ they signed. ‘Jongler and I both have feelings for you. We want you to join our relationship.’
Battat gaped at the revelation. “Oh,” Battat said weakly. They were serious? Their kisses had been genuine instead of out of pity? He was actually going start dating them?? “Great,” he croaked. He was so happy he felt a little like crying. “Maybe I am too drunk for this conversation.”
Jongler and Pluey both laughed.
When they got home, Battat wasn’t too drunk for the evening part of his fantasy, but he was too hungover for the morning part. His partners brought him breakfast in bed, instead.