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your name is chuck hansen and you are nine and you are screaming and yelling at the top of your lungs at your dad who has just ruined your life by choosing you over your mother.
your name is chuck hansen and you are nine and you will never ever forgive your dad for as long as you live because now you’re half orphaned and you might as well be whole orphaned because you know your future, you can read it like an open book plain on your dad’s face, straight up on the dogtags that dangle round his neck.
your name is chuck hansen and you are nine and you know that now you must grow up as you will be pushed from army base to army base along with your dad, who is not much of a dad, more of a soldier, a well-oiled machine.
your name is chuck hansen and you are nine and your dad does not hug you and will not hug you and you do not try to hug him anymore.
your name is chuck hansen and you are ten and you are training to pilot a jaeger instead of going to school with kids your age to learn normal kid things that will help you live a long, boring, average life with two point five kids, a picket fence, and a loving wife.
your name is chuck hansen and you are eleven and you do not have friends, but you have a dog named max that is ugly as can be, but he smiles at you, and he is the only thing that smiles at you anymore because you are a time bomb about to explode.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twelve and you are at the top of your training class. you are not the smartest or the tallest, but you are the strongest, you kicked and punched your way to the top, you studied your way to the top, you must be the top. you do not have friends, you do not need friends, you do not want friends. loneliness only occurs if you allow it, and since you, chuck hansen, twelve years old, do not allow it, it does not happen.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twelve and your dog is your only friend because you distance yourself from everyone else, you glare at them if they approach, you memorize their grades just so you can do better, much better. if you do not do better, you feel the failure like a knife in your stomach and maybe you think long and hard about getting a real knife and making a tiny little cut in your arm to punish yourself for not being enough, but you don’t, because that would be weak.
your name is chuck hansen and you are thirteen and you hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine, so you fake it all. you push kids on the ground and stomp around and act like you are god’s gift to the planet so that maybe one day you’ll believe that your life is meaningful. your father does not notice, he doesn’t notice anything. he is too busy taking down huge monsters that could destroy the world to spare you a glance. maybe if you did a little better at training he would look at you like you’re there instead of looking right through you.
your name is chuck hansen and you are thirteen and no matter what you do, your father will not spare a passing glance at you.
your name is chuck hansen and you are fourteen and you are maybe a little in love with the boy in your training class that is right behind you. he is smart and strong and tall and impressive, so you ignore him entirely. you block him out as best as you can, because you cannot face distractions, you cannot let your guard down, you must be the best, you must be the best, you must be the best.
your name is chuck hansen and you are fourteen and you have destroyed the boy you are maybe a little in love with in training. you defeat him mercilessly in battle, using only force and no strategy, because who needs strategy when you are all muscles. the boy doesn’t talk to you ever again, and it’s better that way, even if it hurts.
your name is chuck hansen and you are fourteen and you don’t know what self-esteem even is because when you look in a mirror you don’t see yourself, you see a trainee who is not doing well enough and you see a son who is ignored and you see right through yourself, like maybe you’re not there. you don’t think you are there.
your name is chuck hansen and you are fifteen and you are meeting marshall pentecost for the very first time and he is tall and imposing and he looks right through you with eyes that have already learned your life story at a single glance. he is not impressed, though he should be, with your stats. you greet him with strained respect and he all but ignores you. you hate him, for you should not be ignored ever. his adopted daughter, mako, smiles at you politely and crouches down to pet your dog, before chasing her father.
your name is chuck hansen and you are fifteen and you are graduating the jaeger academy at fifteen and you feel proud for a moment, before you fill yourself back up with fire. your dad claps your shoulder proudly and the angry fire inside of you fizzles out for a singular moment of itsbeensolongmaybehelovesmemaybeimgoodenoughmaybeimgoodenoughmaybeimgoodenough. his hand is gone as quickly as it appeared and you are left to remain empty.
your name is chuck hansen and you are sixteen and you have battled real life kaiju, you’ve taken them down to the ground, and it’s all you’ve ever worked for, but feeling your dad’s emotions for the first time was overwhelming at best and violently disturbing at worst. you feel that he loves you and is proud of you, you feel tears spring at the back of your eyes, but stop yourself completely. you try and push down your memories, but you know he can see them, the way that you stared longingly at knives from ages thirteen to now, the way the boy in your training made your heart stutter for about a month until you ripped out the part of you that felt romantic feelings and crushed it with your muscular hands.
your name is chuck hansen and you are sixteen and your dad knows every part of you and you know every part of him, and sometimes at night you will dream of him crying and crying over your dead mother and you startle awake, unsure of how to feel. those nights you do not sleep again, you stay up all night and stare at the ceiling and wonder if there is a heaven and if she’s watching down at you from there. you push that away when morning comes, because those are vulnerable, middle of the night thoughts that can’t see the light of day, and of course there’s no heaven, that’s fucking ridiculous.
your name is chuck hansen and you are seventeen and you are a celebrity. you see your name on newspapers, you are recognized at the grocery store. you are asked to be on television shows because you are the youngest pilot. you graciously accept the invitations, laugh on sets of late night shows, take their acceptance, swallow it whole. if your father doesn’t accept you, at least millions of other people do, and maybe that can fill the void.
your name is chuck hansen and you are seventeen and that does nothing to fill the void.
your name is chuck hansen and you are eighteen and you have faked your self-assurance and cockiness for so long that maybe you actually are that cocky and self-assured. maybe you are self-confident, maybe you do have a huge ego.
your name is chuck hansen and you are eighteen and every time after you drift with your father, you know that it’s a lie and you do not believe that you are cocky, self-assured. you do not believe in yourself, besides that you are able to take down kaiju. you are nothing more than a killing machine, and maybe that’s for the best.
your name is chuck hansen and you are nineteen and you are completely wasted, and maybe that’s for the best. your father said a quiet happy birthday this morning, but he had nothing else to say to you. you have been drinking since nine am and maybe that’s not healthy, but you really can’t bring yourself to give a damn.
your name is chuck hansen and you are nineteen and you are crying and maybe the drinking wasn’t a good idea, because it brought up bad thoughts of the day your mother died and left you with your war machine father who doesn’t give you enough affection. you pat your dog and he looks like he feels sorry for you. you always hated pity. you throw up on the ground.
your name is chuck hansen and you are nineteen and you have not felt attracted to anyone since you are fourteen and that is certainly for the best, because you’re kind of a mess.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty and you have taken two deployments this year and it’s only june, and that’s a bit ridiculous. you know that the kaiju are coming more often now, everyone knows it. it sits funny in your bones and you’re not sure what that means.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty and you have not had a drink since you turned nineteen, and you know that’s for the best.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty and your dog remains your only friend, and you know that’s also for the best.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you have saved sydney once more, but that’s not surprising to you at all. what’s surprising is that this time you were a little closer to failure, and as you stare at the ruined opera house, you feel like you have failed. you hate yourself a little bit for that, white hot and burning.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you know that it’s the end of the world. you know that you are also the best, and maybe you can stop this world from ending. you and your father fly to hong kong, to the last shatterdome. you see the marshall and he looks at you like he always has. you see mako again too, and she’s cute, but this is not the time, and it will never be the time. she smiles at you, and you don’t smile back. she pats your dog.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you are meeting raleigh becket for the first time, and he was a failure. you hated him before you met him for being a failure, and you hate him now. you hate that he was called in, you hate that he hasn’t trained in ages and he’s probably gone soft and he’s all washed up from the alaskan freeze that you can see on his face. you hate even more that you may have to depend on him as the world is ending, because you can’t trust a washed up failure to save you, not that you will ever need to be saved. you hate even more that a small part of you notices how attractive he is.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you are proved right as raleigh becket and his co-pilot nearly destroy the shatterdome because he fell out of alignment and knocked mako out with him. you feel a surge of self-satisfaction as you are proved right, but it fades as raleigh becket attacks you and you are forced to attack back.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you are in your jaeger with your father, trying desperately to save the city. you are being tossed around and this is the largest kaiju you have ever seen, and now the power is out and you aren’t sure what to do. the next thing you know you’re shooting at a kaiju with a tiny little gun, and gipsy danger saves your ass and you hate raleigh becket for saving you, but he has proved himself worthy. you aren’t sure what to think about raleigh becket anymore, so you stop thinking about him entirely.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you are saying goodbye to your father because you know that you are going to die. you accept this fact, you try not to cry because you haven’t cried since you were nineteen and drunk. your father tries not to cry, and you are choking on tears that you cannot let escape. you forgive him in this moment, and you hope he can tell that when he hugs you, it means everything, it means everything, it means everything.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and you are getting into a jaeger with stacker pentecost. pentecost wasn’t lying when he said he brings nothing into the drift, because you don’t get a single glance at any of his memories, not that you were looking specifically, that would be rude and you have some manners, though not many.
your name is chuck hansen and you are twenty-one and your father said that if you have the shot, take it. your finger is on the the button and you are going to blow yourself up for raleigh becket, and you don’t mind so much anymore, maybe. you are going to save your father, like he saved you when you were nine years old. this is the end, this is the end, and you love your father, you love your father, you love your fa-
your name is herc hansen and you are forty-five and you are alone in this world. the dog, chuck’s dog, nuzzles you. you pat it.
your name is herc hansen and you are forty-five and you are almost alone in this world.