Chapter Text
Dean’s POV
Cas sits at the island in the kitchen while I cook a breakfast of scrambled eggs and bacon, my ever-vigilant watcher. It was creepy when I first met him, the way he watches me, but now I find his constant, watchful gaze somewhere near comforting.
“Do you think there’s a universe out there where we’re together?” I ask as the half-formed thought drifts lazily through my mind.
“Why can we not be together in this universe, Dean?” he asks in turn.
“Because you’re just a hallucination.”
I chuckle dryly, taking a long swig from the vodka bottle by the stove, and let out a long sigh.
Sammy jumped into the pit about a month ago now, dragging Lucifer, Michael, and our half-brother Adam down with him. Then Cas left not even thirty minutes after that very traumatic event, leaving me by myself in the graveyard. I couldn’t drive for hours. I was so distraught. I couldn’t even force myself to move.
The hallucinations started up about four days after that. Mostly, it’s Castiel who pops up, but sometimes Sam or Mom or John will pop up. Cas is the only one who is any comfort. The others, well, they just recite the thoughts at the forefront of my mind.
“Because the real you abandoned me when I was at my worst, for Heaven. Because the real Cas could never even imagine loving me. Because I could never allow myself to love him. Because he is far too good for me to deserve. Because I am too broken and too tainted to ever be worthy of his love.”
I smile that tight, fake smile that no one ever believes.
“Because it could never last, and I would prefer to keep him as a friend than ever lose him because I tried to be anything more than that. Because it could never really work out.”
“Dean?”
Lisa walks in, yawning.
“Who are you talking to?”
“No one,” I reply casually, shrugging it off and giving her a more convincing smile. “Just me, myself, and I.”
“Who were you talking about?” she tries again as I set a plate of food in front of her.
“It’s not important,” I say, turning my back to her. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”
She doesn’t push me any further. She’s too good for me, too. I don’t deserve her. Another thing that probably won’t last.
Honestly, I truly believe that when I die for good, I will die bloody, gory, and completely alone, because that’s what I deserve. I deserve the absolute worst this world and this life have to offer me.
Ben walks into the kitchen with the same yawn as Lisa. He grabs a plate for himself as I tuck the vodka back into the freezer, then sits at the island next to his mom.
“How’d you sleep, kid?” I ask, and he takes it as an invitation to launch into a full-blown story about his dream.
‘Dear Castiel,
If you can hear me, and if you can get a message to Sam, can you tell him that I did it? Can you tell him that I kept my promise for me? That I’m with Lisa and Ben and that I’m trying to be happy? Just, if you have the time.’
I’ve made a dozen or so of these little prayers to Cas. I doubt he actually pays attention to them, but it’s a small comfort to me, a little something that helps me get through my day. I kind of imagine it’s like how Christians feel when praying to God.
Alcohol helps, too.
I don’t lean on it as much as I did when I first got here, but I drink enough that it should probably be concerning.
I don’t eat, either. I think the last time I ate was Monday. It’s Thursday.
Three weeks ago, I was eating Lisa out of house and home and then some. I’ve probably dropped some weight. I don’t know. I don’t bother to weigh myself.
Lisa stopped nagging me to eat when she realized that I won’t do one damn thing I don’t want to.
Cas was the only one who could ever get me to do anything. Him and John, anyway. Maybe Sammy every once in a while. Mom when I was younger, I guess.
“You failed your brother, boy. You failed me. You always end up failing everyone you ever meet. You’re a curse.”
I don’t have to turn to know who it is. I recognize it immediately. That gruff voice belongs to the man who was supposed to be my father.
Bobby was more of a father than John ever was.
“I told you to keep your brother safe, boy. You failed. That was your job, and you failed. It’s your fault Sammy’s in Hell.”
Lisa and Ben are still eating at the island, so I try to ignore it, to block out his grating voice.
“You’re going to fail Lisa and Ben someday, too. They’ll die bloody, and it’ll all be YOUR fault, boy. Because that’s what you are: a failure. You fail everyone.”
Lisa and Ben don’t know about my hallucinations, and I don’t plan to clue them in anytime soon. I’m fine. I don’t need them thinking that I’m off my rocker when I’ve got it all under control.
“You know it, too, don’t you? You know how much of a failure you are. That’s why you don’t sleep. That’s why you don’t eat. That’s why you drink so much. That’s why you’re always thinking about that bottle of pills in the upstairs bathroom cabinet. You know it, and everyone around you does, too.”
I flinch and close my eyes, trying hard to will the hallucination away.
It doesn’t work.
The false apparition of John continues to torment me. Even if I know he’s not real, he’s pretty damn accurate and pretty damn honest, too.
“Dean?”
Lisa’s voice breaks through it.
“Are you okay?”
She’s so genuine and compassionate that it hurts.
“Just peachy!” I laugh sarcastically, storming off to the guest bedroom where I’ve been staying.
I sit on the bed and take a long pull from the flask I keep in my jacket.
I’m fine.
I need to be fine.
For Sammy.
I promised him I would try to be happy. I want to keep my promise.
So I’m fine.
But another, much weaker part of me wants me to give up. It wants me to go to the upstairs bathroom and take that entire bottle of pills. Wants me to lie down and die. To hope that I go to Hell, and to get to the cage no matter what it takes. To get to the baby brother I raised, no matter the cost.
To get to Sammy.
I feel the warm embrace of my most friendly hallucination, and I lean into it, taking another swig from my flask.