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Matthew had his head on the lap of his hockey rival, and friend. They weren’t really rivals at all, they just enjoyed going against each other.
Ivan's hand was nestled in Matthew's hair, a silent reassurance that he was still laying there with Matthew and that he knew Matthew was there. The loud sounds from the hockey game played on the tv. Matthew never watched them because he would get jealous if he saw somebody his age that was already far better than him, so he laid there gazing off at the blur of colours that his glasses would usually fix.
A loud buzz came from the tv, a sound that concluded the end of the hockey game. He moved to look up at Ivan while still keeping his head on the Russians lap. The larger man was hard to see but Matthew knew the details of his face, he could see his large nose and melancholy smile that he kept.
“You are staring. You can’t see much with no glasses, yes?” Ivan started to make a small braid in Matthew's hair, targeting the long locks that curled around each other.
“I can see stuff…kind. It kind of looks like a muddled up watercolour painting sometimes.” The Canadian yawed and leaned into the touch. He used to lay on Francis’ lap when he was younger, listening to his father talk about the usual stuff and then sometimes the soul crushing stuff. It had been awhile since he had that though.
“You are staring at me like you can see every detail.”
“It’s because I know every detail.” Matthew muttered, closing his eyes. He laid there quickly and just listened to the TV reporters talk about something. It must have been later than he thought because the news started late after the hockey game recordings were played.
“I think I’m in love with you, Matthew.”
Ivan's words hung in the air for a moment, it would have been sweet if Matthew didn’t know anything.
“No you don’t.” He sighed and sat up, reaching over to grab his glasses from the coffee table. It was getting late and they were starting to say things they didn’t mean, it was time for Matthew to go.
“You love Alfred, not me.” He glanced over, finally able to see things properly now, Ivan wasn’t smiling or even looking at him. Matthew knew he was thinking about the thing he just said, because he wasn’t dumb. Matthew had seen the two of them talking and how Ivan cares about him in such a way that it seemed romantic. Ivan seemed casual with Matthew, honestly probably using him as a stand-in for Alfred since his brother was far too popular to stay in one place. Matthew wasn’t going to let anyone get attached to him in a romantic way, he had something he had to do.
“No, I mean you.” Ivan finally met his eyes, it was a bit upsetting to the man seem so set on something. Obviously there was no way that Ivan wanted Matthew, he knew that Ivan was much happier around Alfred and he didn’t have to struggle with all of Matthew's struggles when he was with the American. Honestly maybe he did like Matthew, but that wasn’t good for him.
“You don’t want to love me.” He sighed and moved to grab his cardigan off the back of the couch. The Russian made him pause, placing a hand on his cheek.
“Why? I may not know much about people still, but I know what love is. I know who I want to love.”
Matthew frowned, it felt nice knowing that Ivan was so dedicated on trying to convey how much he loved Matthew. It was really kind, but it also felt like somebody had bashed a baseball bat against his head.
They were there in the silence for a bit, it was getting later than Matthew had planned but it was okay. He didn’t have to leave at a specific time if Ivan wanted just a moment. Matthew put his arms through the cardigan sleeves and sat down next to Ivan, placing a hand on his cold cheek. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Ivan's lips, it was bittersweet.
Matthew stood back up, he didn’t know why he sat down. Maybe it was to make the moment a little bit more nice for Ivan.
“Goodnight.” Matthew smiled at him, but only got a soft frown from Ivan. He always worried about Matthew. He knew he said scary stuff but it was him being honest, he didn’t want to lie to the man he cared about oh so dearly.
“I love you.” Ivan watched as Matthew left, leaving him on the couch in worry.
Of course the Canadian knew what he was going to do would hurt people, but Ivan deserved to be happy. Ivan is a kind man, maybe a bit scary but he truly loves everyone he knows well.
Ivan didn’t deserve a man who knew how everything would go.
Matthew knew exactly what he wanted, and for once he was going to get it. Even as he listens to the wind while he walks, it's comforting but his mind was set.
He always had his plan set, Ivan was unexpected. He remembers when he first met Ivan, a man judged like a book. People judged him from the way he looked and what people said about him. Of course Matthew would be a hypocrite if he said he didn’t keep a distance because of some things said. That was before they were left alone together once.
Ivan is kind, hardworking, resilient, and so lovable.
Matthew wasn’t planning to fall in love, nobody planned that. It hindered his plan, but he knew it was for the best.
What made him feel the worst though was as he stepped on the edge of the bridge he hesitated. His shoes laid with his cardigan, the shoelaces tied just in case someone would want them. He stared at the dark water.
He wasn’t going to fail this time.
“ Hey Ivan, I’m really sorry that you’ll have to read this and not hear it from me. But, I love you. I liked denying myself by saying you liked my brother but I noticed the little things you did, and I’m really sorry. You’ll find someone better and more stable. I told you I wasn’t going to stay around but you still stayed so…I warned you? I don’t blame you though, I still thought about you at night and hoped that you wanted to see me again the next day. It was selfish knowing that I knew I was going to do this but you were a good hand in the dark. It was nice to have you for a little bit, I’m sorry.
Love ,
Matthew Williams. “