Archive of Our Own

I.

Being fifteen isn’t easy. Being fifteen and living with at least ten other teenagers all cramped in one place is hell. It’s not like Vernon isn’t aware of how this opportunity could change his life for the better, because he is, but sometimes he wonders if everything he’s been going through since last year is even worth it. Is it worth it to try so hard? Is it worth it to try to fit in with these people? 

He’s never been too good with human interaction but, to be fair, it wasn’t actually his fault. People just didn’t like him. Kids didn’t like him. You’re so different, they said. Why do you look like that?, they asked, all because of his mixed origins. And so, he learned to navigate through life alone, with only his parents and his little sister by his side as his unwavering source of love and support. But things had changed drastically for him. 

Vernon can see how living with a bunch of kids, all thriving to reach the same dream, all more or less of his age, could be his opportunity to finally make some good human connections. Even more so if these people are going to become his colleagues and they will have to share the same space for a long time and get accustomed with each other’s presence. That’s why he is trying so hard to not fuck it up, and he is doing a pretty good job at it, if you ask him. He gets along well with everyone and the older guys take good care of him. 

Seungcheol is always making sure he is okay, never letting him stray away from his line of vision, and letting him rest in the storage closet of the green room when he is too tired, hiding him from their managers. Jihoon is a lot more subdued with his affection, coherent with his calm personality, but Vernon can feel it anytime they end up talking about music and Jihoon listens to him so attentively. Soonyoung and Wonwoo play along with him a lot and give him a lot of head pats every time they pass near him, as if to remind him that they are always there. Mingyu is definitely Vernon’s favorite hyung, since he always gives him food and lets him get away with a lot of things because he is too fond of him to scold him. And Vernon actually gets along well even with the two new hyungs who had arrived at the start of the new year, Junhui and Seokmin. The first one is Chinese and he doesn’t speak Korean very well, but he tries to show his affection to the members by cooking for them, meanwhile Seokmin is kind of loud and has developed the biggest fondness for Vernon as soon as he had discovered that they shared their birthdays. 

Vernon is glad he found such kindhearted people, and he feels like the wounds from his past experiences have already healed a lot in a year thanks to them. No one apart from his family ever took care of him, after all, yet these guys were ready to welcome him and care for him in a heartbeat. There is something so pure in the bond he feels with them, and he really hopes he won’t screw anything in any possible way. But then he kind of does (or, at least, he thinks so). 

Seungcheol is the one who finds him crying in the storage closet, obviously. 

“Vernon, I know you’re tired but we need you to come out right n-” Seungcheol starts to say, but he stops talking the moment Vernon looks up at him. 

He is crying. A lot. His eyes are so red and he is sniffling so loudly that there is no way mistaking it. Seungcheol reacts in the only possible way he knows how to deal with this kind of situation, and so he sits down next to where Vernon is curled up hugging his knees and trying to hide his face again and decides to engulf him in one of his bear hugs, hoping to give the younger at least a tiny bit of comfort. 

“Oh my… Why is my favorite dongsaeng so upset?” he tries to ask, patting Vernon’s hair gently. 

He gets a wet chuckle in response, so soft he would’ve missed it if he wasn’t totally focused on the boy in his arms. 

“I thought your favorite dongsaeng was Mingyu hyung,” Vernon murmurs, wiping his runny nose on his arm the best he can while being trapped in his hyung’s embrace. 

Seungcheol cringes at that but lets him be, seeing how distressed he is at the moment. 

“You’re both my favorites,” he answers, still patting the boy’s hair. “My sweet babies.” 

When Seungcheol gives Vernon a little kiss on the side of the head he expects the usual reaction, or to say he expects Vernon to shoot up and aggressively wipe the spot, disgusted. But Vernon doesn’t and that makes him worry even more, since there’s only one person who’s allowed to do that and not face any reaction. 

“Did you fight with Seungkwan, by any chance?” Seungcheol dares to ask. 

The way Vernon’s eyes open wide at the mention of the other boy is enough of an answer. The two of them are the same age and have been joined at the hip since they got to know each other a year or so ago. They’re always in each other’s presence, day and night, unmistakably glued side by side. 

Vernon doesn’t actually know how he and Seungkwan came to be this close. At first, they were just happy to have someone of the same age to be friends with. They promised to always have each other’s back the second day of getting to know each other. Not much later Chan arrived in the dorm and he was the youngest between them all, so both Vernon and Seungkwan decided to include him in their pact. But things were never the same as between them. 

Seungkwan shows his affection to Chan through teasing and pranks and occasional hugs. He cares about him and helps him out with everything he might need, considering Chan is always going to him for every little thing, still a bit intimidated by the other hyungs. But the trust he has in Vernon is on a totally different level. What the two of them share is something special. They are best friends for life, no matter what’s going to happen with the group. 

Knowing that and caring about his friendship with Seungkwan more than anything in the world, Vernon couldn’t help but cry when he realized he could have ruined it. Not having the other boy by his side would kill him. He might as well just leave this place and go back home. 

“Vernon, did you fight with Seungkwan?” Seungcheol asks again, grabbing his attention back. 

He nods, not sure he’d be able to talk without his voice cracking. 

Seungcheol sighs, and then says “Was it that bad? You never cried like this.” 

“He never yelled at me the way he did this time, hyung,” Vernon finally speaks, voice hoarse and barely audible. “He seemed really angry. Like when he argues with Soonyoung hyung.” 

Seungcheol hums, encouraging him to keep talking. 

“I know we banter a lot, but this time…” Vernon sighs. “I think he might not want to talk to me anymore, and I don’t know what to do if he doesn’t want me as a friend or if he hates me how am I supposed to…“ 

His rant comes to a stop when a sob threatens to come out, carrying a new flow of unshed tears. 

“Just breathe, Vernon,” Seungcheol starts patting his back lightly, trying to get him to calm down. “Why don’t you tell me what happened? Maybe I can help. And I’m sure nothing can be that bad that Seungkwan hates you or doesn’t want you as his friend.” 

“You think so?” Vernon’s voice comes out as a whisper. 

“I’m sure about that,” Seungcheol smiles. “As you said, he’s always arguing with Soonyoungie but he still keeps him around, doesn’t he? You can fix anything.” 

Hearing how Seungcheol is so sure of what he’s saying, Vernon can’t help but believe him at least a tiny bit. And so, he starts to get into detail about how he and Seungkwan had argued just a couple of hours before. 

After practice, they both were hungry and craved chicken, so they decided to go to the convenience store and get it. They had bought a couple of chicken legs each, but, while they were eating and going back to the dorm, one of Vernon’s fell on the ground. He just picked it up and ate it as if nothing had happened, and that’s how the fight ensued. 

“What are you doing, Hansol?” Seungkwan said, looking at him with wide eyes. 

Vernon, mouth still half full of the chicken he had just picked up from the floor, just looked at him with a blank face and answered matter-of-factly “It hasn’t been three seconds yet.” 

Seungkwan’s expression got even worse. He put on a disgusted face that usually came out only if Soonyoung and Seokmin joined forces and did something absolutely insane in front of the cameras in the green room. 

“What do you mean by that?” he asked again. “It fell on the ground, why would you possibly eat it? I have enough money on me to buy you another one if you want.” 

“It’s not that big of a deal, Kwan,” Vernon tried to tell him, not actually understanding what had gotten his friend so angry. Didn’t everyone live by the three-seconds rule? 

“Well, I think it is!” Seungkwan exclaimed, getting a bit red in the face. “It’s not good for your health! What if… What if you…” 

“Scientifically, they said that it’s fine if you pick it up in three seconds,” Vernon interrupted him before he could throw a fit right there and then. “Don’t you know the three-seconds rule? I thought everyone knew that.” 

Seungkwan, at that point, was completely taken aback. Vernon could see on his face that he wasn’t satisfied at all with the explanation, that his anger was still very much alive. He didn’t know why, though. 

“So, you’re telling me that if you dropped it in muddy water but picked it up in three seconds, you would still eat it? Am I right?” Seungkwan yelled, starting to walk faster. “You’re insane, Hansol!” 

Vernon sped up his pace to try and keep up with him, still wanting to calm him down without knowing how to. Seungkwan’s reaction seemed unreasonable. He didn’t understand what the matter was. 

“Seungkwan, don’t get mad,” he tried to say. “Why are you even getting mad?” 

But he got no answer as his friend decided to keep his mouth shut until they got back to the dorm and then spent all his time with Mingyu. 

Vernon finishes recalling the episode and looks at Seungcheol, expecting him to actually take back what he had said before. Expecting him to tell him there was nothing that could be done to salvage the situation. But all he gets is a small laughter. 

“Is it funny to you that Seungkwan hates me, hyung?” Vernon asks, pouting. 

“No, it’s funny that you think that Seungkwan might hate you for this and that you are actually bawling your eyes out about it,” Seungcheol says, with a reassuring smile. He loves Vernon with all his heart, he’s such a good kid. But he can be so insecure sometimes, too insecure for his own good. 

“But he was so angry,” Vernon sniffles. 

“I’m sure he was just worried about you,” Seungcheol says. “Just talk it out, alright? I’m sure everything will go back to normal in a heartbeat. And if it doesn’t, I’ll take care of him, okay?” 

Vernon laughs a little at that, feeling taken care of. But it’s not surprising when he hears himself say “There’s no need to, Cheolie hyung.” 

“Okay, okay, you guys are big enough to sort things out on your own,” Seungcheol hums. “Now let’s get outside of here. I came to tell you that we need to welcome two new guys, and we have already lost a lot of time. I don’t want the managers to scold us.” 

They both start to get up from the floor and Vernon tries to pull himself together, rubbing his eyes to get rid of the remaining tears and hoping no one will notice anything different about him. Worst comes to worst, he’ll just say that his eyes are red because he didn’t get enough sleep last night. 

“Yeah, let’s go,” he says then, taking a deep breath. “It’s already a shitty day for me, I don’t need to be scolded.” 

Seungcheol makes a noise in agreement and ruffles his hair a bit, getting a little complaint from the younger boy in front of him, who hurries to smooth his hair down again. Now, that’s the Vernon he’s used to know. Seeing him back to his usual self (more or less) gets a satisfied smile on Seungcheol’s face. 

“Anyway… Thank you, hyung,” Vernon says then, squeezing Seungcheol’s arm lightly before he gets to open the door of the storage room. “For listening. You didn’t have to.” 

Seungcheol sighs, wondering if there will ever be a time when Vernon will just accept the love everyone has for him and will understand that he’s not a burden. 

“No problem. You’re my baby, aren’t you?” he says, smiling and taking the boy’s hand in his. “I can’t let my baby cry alone. I would never do that. And neither would the others, just so you know. We care about you, Vernonie. You can rely on us, I hope you never forget that.” 

Vernon just nods. He knows that. Actually, a part of him knows that. The other part, however, the one used to being excluded and made fun of and ignored… That part has some trouble accepting that there could ever exist a place, other than his own home, where he is truly loved and cherished. 

Both of them finally get out of the storage room and are met with all the others reunited in the green room. They’re sitting in a circle on the floor, probably doing some kind of game or just talking between them, since there should be two new people. Vernon is usually very worried when someone new is added to the group, since his anxiety skyrockets easily when it comes to social gatherings and meeting new people. But today he couldn’t care less, his mind occupied with thoughts of Seungkwan: how will he look at Seungkwan, what should he say to Seungkwan, what is the best way to apologize to Seungkwan, is it possible to get back to the friendship he and Seungkwan had until a few hours ago, Seungkwan, Seungkwan, Seungkwan… 

The boy in question is sitting next to a boy Vernon has never seen before, so he assumes he’s one of the new guys. He has short black hair and an angelic face that lights up when he smiles at something Seokmin says. He’s pretty, a good addition to the group’s visuals. Vernon thinks the agency has made a great choice, and he’s a hundred percent sure this boy is going to debut no matter what. 

His thoughts get interrupted as soon as he sees Seungkwan laughing and clinging to the boy’s arm after he says something. Vernon supposes it must be a really funny joke if his best friend (or should he say ex best friend?) is reacting this way. Not that Seungkwan isn’t a touchy person, because he definitely is. But with someone he just met? 

He did this with you too, remember?, his mind supplies. And he does remember, indeed. He remembers how Seungkwan hugged him as soon as he entered the dorm. He remembers how he stuck to him for the whole day, and for all the days after, to be fair. Vernon thought there was something special about him, other than being the same age as the boy. But he supposes he was naïve to think that way, since Seungkwan had the ability to be affectionate like that with all of their friends. 

“Okay guys, sorry to interrupt but I was just able to get Vernonie, so…” Seungcheol says, recalling everyone’s attention and never dropping Vernon’s hand. 

Vernon is grateful for that because he feels like his world has just taken a wrong turn and he doesn’t know how to keep his cool right now. He just hopes he can go back to the dorm and to his room as soon as possible. 

“Vernon, these are Jeonghan and Joshua,” Seungcheol says, pointing first to the guy next to Seungkwan and then to another guy sitting next to Jihoon. “They’re the same age as me and will be training with us. Joshua is from Los Angeles, he could use a bit of your help, mh? His Korean is a bit rusty.” 

Vernon nods and gives a little smile to the guy in question. He is actually happy to have someone he can talk English with. He was afraid that being away from home and interacting with Korean people only he would have lost the language, but now he doesn’t have to worry about that. 

“Welcome guys, I hope we can be good friends,” Vernon says, trying to sound polite. And then he adds in English “Joshua, feel free to talk to me in English. It would make me really happy, since I can’t do it with my mom and sister.” 

Joshua beams and nods happily. It must be so hard for him to be in a place he’s not familiar with and where everyone around him speaks a language he’s still not really fluent in. Vernon knows how it feels. He was just five years old when they moved to Seoul from New York, but the feelings of loneliness and confusion are still easy to recall. 

“C’mon guys, join us here!” Mingyu exclaims, patting the floor. 

Seungcheol laughs and sits next to him, patting his hair fondly. Vernon looks around to see where he could sit, hoping to not get a seat next to Seokmin or Soonyoung since they get so loud sometimes and he doesn’t feel like he can put up with it today. 

It’s while he’s scanning the situation that his eyes meet Seungkwan’s. The silent questions in the other boy’s expression are clear. Where were you? Why are your eyes so red? Did something happen? Vernon hates being able to read Seungkwan’s face so well right now. It makes him feel like he should just get on his knees and bear himself open to him. They never keep anything hidden from each other, but Vernon doesn’t think he’s ready to talk right now. And he for sure doesn’t want to do it in front of everyone. 

Seungkwan keeps staring at him, looking for answers he can’t get right now. He lightly pats a free spot next to him, with the arm not hooked with Jeonghan’s. Vernon gives him a little smile, just to not make him worry more than he already is, shakes his head and points to a free spot between Joshua and Chan. He then lowers his head and goes to sit there, engaging in easy conversation with his new hyung while petting the hair of a tired Chan who is just laying with his head on his lap and trying to not fall asleep. 

It’s a couple of hours later that they are allowed to get back to the dorms. The first thing they need to do is to see where Jeonghan and Joshua can sleep. Vernon so desperately hopes none of them end up in his room, since there’s already five of them in there, and his luck works because Joshua ends up sharing with Seokmin and Seungkwan meanwhile Jeonghan is given the only free bed in Seungcheol, Mingyu and Jihoon’s room. After resolving the issue, they all get into their respective routines of washing up, having dinner and going to bed. 

Everyone seems eager to order some fried chicken to celebrate the new additions to their (already really crowded) dorm. Vernon doesn’t have the mood to. He’s just a fifteen-year-old guy who wants to put an end to one of the worst days of his life. Who could blame him if he just put himself to sleep after he has showered? No one, he thinks. And so, that’s what he does. 

Once he is in his bed, under the sheets, ready to get some hours of well-deserved sleep, a knock on the door makes him get up. He sighs, sure that the person bothering him is Soonyoung because he can’t accept someone missing out on nights like this one. But when he opens the door, he finds Seungkwan there, wearing his pink pajamas set, his hair still a bit wet from the shower he took earlier. 

“Kwannie,” Vernon whispers, completely taken aback. He didn’t expect him to be here, knowing how much he loves social gatherings and spending time with the other members. 

Seungkwan doesn’t say anything, he just tosses his arms around Vernon’s neck and hugs him so so so tight. Vernon feels he might not be able to breathe anymore, but he doesn’t know if the reason is the strength Seungkwan put in his hug or the surprise of the action. Either way, he feels breathless. 

“Sollie,” Seungkwan says, barely audible, his mouth on the juncture between Vernon’s neck and shoulder. The nickname makes Vernon want to cry with relief. He thought he would never hear Seungkwan call him that again. 

Vernon hugs him back, just as strongly, putting his arms around his best friend’s waist. Burying his face in Seungkwan’s neck, he smells his bodywash: tangerine and vanilla. He tries to commit it to memory. 

They stay like that, hugging each other near the door of Vernon’s room, for a couple of minutes. Then Seungkwan detaches himself a little, just to take Vernon’s face in his hands and caress his cheeks with his thumbs. Vernon doesn’t know what’s going on, but he just stays there, looking into Seungkwan’s eyes, waiting until he decides to say something. The only movement he makes is to stretch one of his arms and close the door, in order to give them some privacy since it is never guaranteed with ten other guys roaming around. 

“I’m so sorry, Hansol,” Seungkwan says after another minute, pouting. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” 

Vernon sighs. “Cheol hyung spilled, didn’t he?” 

Seungkwan smiles a little and nods. Vernon knew he wouldn’t have let them handle it by themselves. 

“But don’t be angry at him, though. I actually begged him until he couldn’t take it anymore,” Seungkwan confesses, biting his lower lip and looking down, a bit ashamed. 

Vernon smiles, knowing how he can get when he wants something at all costs. Knowing how whiny Seungkwan can’t be resisted by anyone in any possible way. 

“The reason why I yelled at you earlier… I was just worried that you would get sick or something,” he then proceeds to say. “It’s not okay to eat things from the ground. It’s dangerous. Please, don’t do it anymore, even if it’s just been three seconds or less.” 

Vernon lifts Seungkwan’s face, wanting to look him in the eyes before he asks the question he’s had on the tip of his tongue for the whole day. 

“Okay, so you don’t hate me?” he spits out, insecurity lacing every syllable. 

Seungkwan’s surprise is evident on his face. He didn’t expect such a question, for such a silly argument. 

“Hansol, I need you to listen to me very carefully right now,” he says, in a very serious tone. He then takes Vernon’s hand and guides them both to his bed to take a seat. “I could never, not in a million years, hate you. And, above all, not for something like this. I was really worried and you know how I get with hygiene and health related things, don’t you?” 

Vernon nods, his gaze never leaving Seungkwan’s. Their hands tighten their hold, afraid one or the other could slip away. 

“I care about you so deeply, how could I ever let you go? You’re one of my favorite people in the whole universe, and you should never doubt it. Ever,” Seungkwan adds, bringing his free hand to put a strand of Vernon’s still humid hair behind his ear. “But if you ever do, please just let me in when I knock on your door. I’ll make sure to remind you each time how much you mean to me.” 

Vernon feels like he could cry again, relief filling every part of him. He can’t believe he’s been so lucky to get to know someone like Seungkwan, and he can’t believe Seungkwan actually cares about him this much. This, right now, makes him think that is was worth it going through all the hard times kids gave him in the past if he gets to have Seungkwan in his life. 

“I promise, Kwannie,” Vernon gives another squeeze to the boy’s hand, still interlaced with his. “I’ll always let you in, all you need to do is knock.” 

Seungkwan smiles brightly, all his worries dissipated in a heartbeat, and Vernon can’t help but do the same. 

“Wanna sleep here tonight?” Vernon asks, already making himself comfortable on the bed and leaving some space for the boy still sitting on the edge of it. 

“Definitely, but only if I can be the little spoon,” Seungkwan says, laying down next to him. “I feel so bad that I made you cry so much. Your eyes were so red… If I think about it again, I think I might start crying myself. Please, cuddle my sadness away.” 

Seungkwan’s pout is just another thing Vernon has never been able to say no to. Maybe when he loses his childish features it’ll be easier, but for now he just complies with his request. He slides an arm around Seungkwan’s waist and brings him close to his chest. 

“Don’t be sad, Kwan. Let’s just have good dreams tonight.” 

And with that said, they both fall asleep in a heartbeat, their breaths synchronizing easily. 

It’s a couple of hours later, while everyone else is going to sleep after their impromptu little party, that Seungcheol slightly opens the door to the room and pokes his head inside to check on them. He finds them still hugged under the sheets. Vernon is facing the ceiling, Seungkwan is drooling on his chest and they both are holding onto each other as if they’re afraid someone could separate them. 

Wonwoo notices Seungcheol while he’s getting under his own sheets. He follows his line of sight and sees the two boys sound asleep together. 

“You don’t need to worry about them, hyung,” Wonwoo says then in a whisper, in order not to disturb any of the other guys who are in the room. “They’re still kids, but they’re smart. They always figure everything out just fine.” 

Seungcheol can’t help but smile at Wonwoo’s words. “You’re right, they do,” he agrees. 

“And if they ever don’t, well, they have us to help them, don’t they?” Wonwoo asks. 

“That’s right. They’ll always have us,” Seungcheol nods. “Goodnight Wonwoo, sleep well.” 

He closes the door to the room and goes to sleep. Tomorrow is another day for all of them to work towards their dream. 

II.

“It’s not like it’s my fault,” Vernon says in English, speaking into the phone. 

“I know, but can’t you at least try?” his mom asks, with that little desperation she puts in her tone when she really wants to convince someone to do what she’s asking. “You know it’s important for her.” 

“I know it’s important for her but it’s not up to me. You should know better at this point.” 

“I don’t see the problem if you just take some time off to just come here and celebrate your sister’s birthday,” his mom insists. 

Vernon huffs, not ready to have the same conversation all over again for the billionth time. After nearly three years since his debut one would think his family understood that his time and what he does with it it’s not up to him but depends completely on the schedule he has to carry out. Being an idol is such a fun job: he gets to make music and perform, and he’s lucky enough to do it with his best friends. But there are also sacrifices to be made and that includes not being present to every family function. 

“You do realize we’re still promoting our latest comeback, do you?” Vernon asks, unable to keep his tone calm at this point. “I won’t be able to get some time off for another two weeks at least. And even then, I can’t fly out to the USA so easily and whenever I want.” 

“And what about Sofia then?” his mother asks. 

“What about her? She’ll understand if I explain it to her. It’s not like this is her last birthday ever. I’ll try to be there for the next one, I guess.” 

“But she wants you here for this one. You know she’s been having a hard time since you’re away from home.” 

And if that’s his mother tactic to get him to feel terrible, it works so damn well. Vernon has always loved and cherished his sister since she was born. He was so happy to have some companionship after six years of being an only child and took care of her in any possible way. Even when he became a trainee, he always tried to keep in contact with her the best he could and, since Sofia got older and received her first smartphone, they’ve been texting each other every day. Vernon tries his best to not lose the bond he has with his sister, considering it one of the most precious things life has given him. That’s why his heart breaks a little every time he’s reminded that Sofia misses him a lot. He misses her so much too, but there’s nothing he can do. 

Vernon sighs. “I know. You don’t need to make me feel guilty for not coming to her birthday by reminding me.” 

As he’s saying that, Joshua enters the room with a can of coke in hand and takes a seat next to him on the couch. Seeing Vernon’s distressed face, he arches a brow in a silent question of Is everything okay? but he gets a non-committal shrug as an answer. 

“Sometimes I think getting you to feel guilty is the only way to actually get you to do something for us, Hansol,” his mom says then, her voice laced with suppressed anger and a bit of delusion. Vernon knows she’s trying to keep calm because she hates arguing with him and even more so when they’re on the phone and away from each other. 

“What are you even saying right now?” he asks, totally shocked by what he just heard. 

“All I’m saying is that you care about this job more than anything, at this point. It’s your only priority.” 

“That’s not true!” Vernon exclaims, not able to hold back his frustration anymore. “I worked my ass off to be where I am now, we all did, but what you’re saying just isn’t fair and it’s bullshit.” 

“Hansol, watch your mouth,” his mom reprimands him weakly. 

“No, I won’t be watching my mouth if you keep saying things like that, mom. Do you think I don’t care about you all or about Sofia? I care a lot but I can’t decide to go where I want and do what I want when I have responsibilities here.” 

Vernon is now standing and walking nervously back and forth in front of the couch. He has to let out his emotions this way if he doesn’t want to start shaking and have an anxiety attack two hours before a performance. There’s a reason why he tries not to talk to anyone but his members before a schedule. They’re the only ones who can keep him in check. 

Joshua keeps watching him attentively, trying to assess the situation. He feels like he’s intruding since usually Vernon keeps his phone calls private, even more so if he’s talking to his family. The only reason he could be sitting in the living room talking to his mom on the phone is that the majority of the members are getting make-up done, so they’re not around, and also that he can talk in English, so no one understands even if they listen. Well, except Joshua, who’s sitting right there in that exact moment. 

Vernon, on his part, is so angry and focused on the discussion he’s having that his mind doesn’t fully register that Joshua is actually there and that he can understand everything. So, he stays there instead of going into his room as he would usually do. 

“I think anyone of the guys would get time off for something like that, but you don’t care enough to try,” are the words that make Vernon’s stomach drop. 

Rationally, he knows his mom is just letting her own frustration get the best of her, but he can’t help feeling like shit. Does she really think that? Is he not a good son nor a good brother in her eyes? Just thinking about it makes him want to throw up. 

He chuckles bitterly, feeling like he could choke on air. “Alright, thanks for calling to wish me a happy birthday and then proceed to remind me what a shitty son I am.” 

“That’s not what I meant, Hansol ple-“ 

“No, no, that’s okay,” he says, trying to ignore the lump in his throat. “Please, don’t talk to Sofia about the fact that I won’t be able to make it to her birthday. I will talk to her tomorrow and explain everything. Now I have a schedule to go to. Bye.” 

When he finally disconnects the call, Vernon is able to take a deep breath. He looks back at Joshua and sees that he’s looking at him with a reassuring smile. He probably understood everything and is ready to comfort Vernon, but he doesn’t want to be comforted at the moment. He just wants to go in his room and stay there until they need to leave for the schedule. 

“Please, don’t say anything,” he begs his hyung, still talking in English, as the two of them usually do when they’re alone or when they don’t want the others to listen to what they’re saying. 

“I wasn’t going to,” is Joshua’s answer. “But just so you know, there’s no need to be thinking what you’re thinking right now. And you know it.” 

Vernon just nods, giving Joshua a sheepish smile. As always, there’s a part of him which is aware of that but there’s still another one, feeding on the countless insecurities that he tries so bad to keep at bay, that usually prevails in this kind of situations. He just needs to get some time alone. 

As he’s making his way to his room, Minghao comes back from getting his make-up done and sees him. It doesn’t take a genius to see how Vernon is feeling, to see how burdened he is with whatever is going on in his mind. Being, together with Joshua, one of the members who better know how to take care of Vernon in times like this, he just gives his shoulder a comforting squeeze. 

Vernon looks at him and puts his own hand on the one Minghao is still keeping on his shoulder. He pats it briefly and gives his hyung a little smile, as if to thank him. 

As soon as Vernon is locked up in his room, Joshua exchanges a look with Minghao and pats a spot next to him on the couch to make the boy sit there. 

“What happened, hyung?” he asks immediately. 

Joshua is a bit torn between telling Minghao what he had heard and keeping Vernon’s privacy. It’s not like Minghao is not to be trusted with this kind of things, quite the opposite. But they all know that usually Vernon doesn’t like sharing his family matters or any matter regarding his life outside the dorm and the group. And they respect that without a question, they would never cross his boundaries. There’s however one exception to this, and all the members respect that, too. 

“Do you know how long will it take for Seungkwan to come back?” Joshua asks instead. 

With a knowing look, Minghao takes out his phone and immediately connects a call. 

“Myungho hyung?” Seungkwan answers after the second ring and his voice is so loud that even Joshua can hear it. The boy is probably screaming in order to be heard above Seokmin singing in the background. “Did you forget something here?” 

“No, I’m fine, Kwan. Are you coming back soon?” Minghao asks. 

“Yeah, I’m actually gathering my things. Did something happen?” 

“No, it’s just…” Minghao bites is lower lip, uncertain about what to say to not make Seungkwan worry too much. 

Joshua decides to take the phone from him. “Vernonie might need some company right now, Kwan.” 

“I’ll be there in five minutes.” 

The call disconnects soon after. Joshua and Minghao look at each other, knowing that it takes at least ten minutes to get from the make-up studio to the dorm, but aware of the fact that if Seungkwan said he’ll be there in five minutes it means he’ll try to get there in three instead. 

It’s a knock on his door that pulls Vernon out of his current session of auto commiseration, while splayed on his bed with his face buried in his favorite fluffy pillow, one with smiling little black cats that Seungkwan bought for him a couple of years ago. 

Not receiving an answer, the person on the other side of the door knocks again. Vernon sighs, aware that he can’t avoid whoever or whatever awaits him outside of his room. Maybe it’s time to get to their schedule, but he doesn’t feel like he’s been like that for more than five minutes. In any case, he decides to give a grunt loud enough to be heard outside as a sign of permission to come in. 

“Sollie!” comes Seungkwan’s cheerful voice once the door has been opened. 

Vernon’s initial plan was to keep is face buried in his pillow, but how could he not turn to slightly look at his best friend? Seungkwan’s face is still a bit puffy from eating a bowl of ramyeon the night before and waking up not long ago, but the make-up noonas did a great job in covering it. No one could notice the remnants of said puffiness if they don’t pay close attention to Seungkwan every single moment of every single day. But Vernon does. 

“Looking good, Kwannie,” is what he says, knowing that the other boy revels in compliments and needs them to nourish his self-esteem sometimes. 

“Thank you,” Seungkwan sing-songs, entering the room and squeezing himself next to Vernon on his single bed. “You’re not looking bad yourself, but you’ll ruin your make-up if you keep your face in the pillow.” 

Vernon nods, accepting the compliment and making it clear that he heard everything, but he doesn’t move. Seungkwan reaches for his hair and starts running his fingers through it, knowing how soothing it is for him. 

“What’s running into this relentless brain of yours today?” Seungkwan asks in a whisper. 

Vernon closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He tries to focus on everything but the mess inside his head. The softness of his pillow. The smell of lavender from his freshly washed sheets. The fingers delicately combing through his hair. Seungkwan’s body touching his in more places than one. Seungkwan’s gentle voice and even gentler humming. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,” Seungkwan talks again. “But Shua hyung and Myungho hyung were kinda worried about you, out there. So, I thought I could at least try.” 

“Did they tell you anything?” Vernon asks, barely audible, his mouth still on the pillow. 

“No, they didn’t. I won’t be here asking you, if they did,” Seungkwan reasons. Then he adds “Actually I don’t think they even have a clue? They just said you seemed off and pushed me to your door as soon as I got here.” 

Vernon can’t help but laugh a little at his hyungs antics. Joshua must have picked up on the conversation he and his mother had shared on the phone and on how it left him unhappy, to say the least. Nevertheless, he still kept his privacy and just did what he thought could be best for him, which translated into sending Seungkwan his way. Vernon is so glad he’s got such good people around him who don’t push him nor his boundaries and who care for him sincerely. 

"Yeah, I guess Shua hyung values my privacy very much," Vernon smiles a little, raising his head from the pillow and looking at Seungkwan. "He actually heard some part of the conversation, so he could have told you what it was about." 

"Maybe he thought it wasn't his place to share. Also, he knows you usually talk to me just fine." 

Vernon's smile gets a bit bigger, and maybe his ears get a bit red, at that affirmation, but he hopes the other boy doesn't notice. 

"That I do." 

"Well then, do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Seungkwan asks once again, voice soft and gentle eyes. 

His hand moves from Vernon's hair to the tip of Vernon's ear, and he starts to rub it a little as he often does. Needless to say, Vernon is somehow still not used to this – or maybe he is, and his automatic reaction has nothing to do with being used to the gesture or not - so his ears turn a deeper shade of red. 

"I just had a really unpleasant conversation with my mother, that's all," he says simply. 

"How unpleasant was it for you to be like this, mh?" Seungkwan pushes a bit, his fingers still caressing and pressing the tip of the other's ear. 

And so, Vernon obliges and spills everything he and his mother talked about on the phone, from start to finish and without leaving out any detail. He is not that comfortable with being vulnerable in general, and he hates feeling as if he is weighing down his members with his problems. But with Seungkwan it becomes easier, and sharing doesn't seem like much of a burden. 

Maybe it helps that Seungkwan is always extremely attentive and delicate with him, and that he tries to meet all of Vernon's needs when he is fragile and trapped inside his own mind by all his insecurities. Maybe it is just that they have a special bond of their own, and it includes the ability to be open and sincere with one another. 

Whatever it is, the fact remains that Vernon opens up without any difficulty with the boy in front of him and he ends up confessing all the bad thoughts he can hear inside that traitorous mind of his. 

"I would never have thought I would feel this intense urge to beef with your mother, to be honest," Seungkwan says around a pout as soon as Vernon stops talking. 

Vernon can't help but let out a laugh. 

"No, don't laugh. I'm serious," Seungkwan insists. "It was wrong from her part to talk to you in that way and to try and make you feel miserable for something you have no control over, even more so today that it's your birthday." 

"Well, you might be right about this but at the same time-" 

"No, Hansollie. Don't start saying all your self-deprecating bullshit that would justify your mother. She was wrong, and that's the end of the matter." 

Vernon sighs and sits up, causing Seungkwan to lose the grip on his ear. "But what if I really am a bad son and an even worse brother? What if I'm getting too swallowed up in this mess that is our life as idols that I am not able to keep my priorities straight anymore? I would hate for my family, and most of all for Sofia, to be thinking I don't care about them as I used to just because of my job." 

"But you're not, that's what I'm trying to tell you," Seungkwan replies immediately, his tone heated and firm. "You're not a bad son nor a bad brother and you aren't letting this job take the best of you. Do I have to remind you all the times you've lost precious hours of sleep just to talk with your mother and your sister? When we already sleep so little with the rhythms of idol life, not least." 

"And if it's not-" 

"I don't want you to say it's not enough. I really don't want to hear it, Hansol. I see how hard you work and how hard you try to give back to your family, be it with materialistic things or just with your time and care," Seungkwan keeps talking, voice firm and eyes never leaving Vernon's. "It's more than enough, and I think that realistically all of them know it, too." 

Vernon looks at him intensely, trying to find out if Seungkwan is just lying to him. If maybe he is saying these things just to get him to stop overthinking and focus on their imminent schedule. But the truth is... He doesn't find any trace of a lie, just pure honesty and affection. 

"Are you sure?" he asks, nonetheless. 

"A hundred percent sure, Hansollie." 

And Vernon knows it's true, and he himself starts to believe it. 

"Now, not to be a downer but..." Seungkwan's eyes get incredibly bigger and move towards the door of the room. "We really need to get going. Otherwise, one of the manager hyungs will come in here and drag us out by our ears or something." 

Vernon laughs at that and nods. "You're right. Let's go, then!" 

It is approximately a month later that Seungkwan barges again in Vernon's room and shouts "Come on out! I have a delayed birthday surprise for you!" 

To say that Vernon is utterly perplexed and confused would be an understatement. Seungkwan already gave him his birthday present (a sweater and a new pair of headphones - two things that Vernon absolutely loves and that are totally his style, by the way), so what else could he be talking about? 

"But you already gave me your presents-" he says, very intelligently, as he gets up from his bed. 

Seungkwan rolls his eyes, obviously annoyed with how slow he is. Vernon is used to it. 

"Can you please just come out here?" he insists, his expression getting particularly urgent. Vernon knows better than to argue with him when he is like this. 

So, he gets to the door, face to face with Seungkwan's head – which is the only part of his body that is showing in the little crack of the door he had opened, with the rest of his body hidden by the piece of wood –, and raises both his eyebrows. 

"Well? What's this surprise about?" he asks. 

Seungkwan's smile gets bigger and his eyes seem to shine even more with mirth. A passing thought in Vernon's head tells him that he looks particularly beautiful like this, happy and spontaneous. But he isn't able to grip onto it because Seungkwan opens the door and behind him, in the hallway of their dorm, stands his little sister. 

Sofia has grown a lot since he last saw her. She is taller, her features are starting to look more mature, she now wears more black clothes. Her hair got longer, and maybe she also dyed it in a lighter shade of brown – he is not so sure. 

These are all the little details he is able to pick up in the middle of his amazement, before Sofia jumps into his arms and he has to brace himself for the impact. 

"Sofia!" he exclaims, his shrill tone showing all his surprise. "What are you doing here? How come you're here?" 

Sofia doesn't let go of him, her arms tight around his waist, but she raises her head and rests her chin on his chest to look up at him. "Seungkwan oppa called and said I should come and spend some time with you," she answers, her Korean rusty because of lack of use. "And mom accepted and so I am here!" 

"Where are you staying?" Vernon asks in English to make it easier for her. 

"With dad, obviously." 

"Did you have a hostess with you for the flight? You're still too young to fly alone." 

Sofia rolls her eyes. What a familiar sight, Vernon thinks. "Yes! Don't start being all big brother with me, Vernon." 

Vernon can't help but laugh and kiss her on the forehead. 

"Oh wow, he never does that to me," someone says around a pout, and Vernon knows exactly who it is. 

He turns to his side and sees Seungkwan standing there, watching them with a smug smile on his face. He must be so proud of his plan, and of the fact that it worked perfectly. 

"Should I give you a forehead kiss?" Vernon asks playfully. 

"I mean... It wouldn't hurt you to be more affectionate with your soulmate," Seungkwan banters. 

"Ah, so we're soulmates now? I didn't know that." 

"Chwe Hansol, I swear to God I'm going to-" 

"So, when are we going to Lotte World?" Sofia asks in her stilted Korean once again. 

Seungkwan gets to her eye level and says "Right now! Let's go!" in English. 

The girl jumps a little from happiness and goes towards the manager that is waiting for them at the entrance of the dorm. 

Vernon is still so overwhelmed by everything that happened in the last ten minutes that he can't wrap his head around it. Are they really going to Lotte World? In that exact moment? 

"Hansollie, you'd better go take your wallet because I think you'll need it," Seungkwan tells him, around a laugh. "I'll wait for you in the car with Sofia." 

He then starts walking towards the main door, but Vernon is in a total haze and all he thinks about doing is taking him from his wrist to stop him. And Seungkwan, obviously, does stop and turns around to face him again. 

"What's the matter?" he asks. "Don't tell me you lost your wallet, Hansol, because I really might-" 

Everything falls silent as Vernon gets closer to him and puts his lips on Seungkwan's forehead. It lasts two seconds at most, but the world seems to stop briefly just to breathe with them in that moment. 

"Thank you for this surprise," Vernon says in a breath. "You really are the best thing that could happen to me." 

Seungkwan is paralyzed. If it wasn't for his chest going up and down, Vernon would think he was dead. Did he do something wrong? Why isn't Seungkwan replying with some joke as he always does? 

But the shock doesn't last long because, soon after, he seems to get out of his trance and he says "Well, if you're so grateful try to win me the biggest plushie we can find there." 

At that, Vernon nods and laughs, going back to his room to retrieve his wallet. He is not that good at the shooting gallery, but he will surely try for Seungkwan. 

III. 

Working on a new album is always hard, and, as the years go by, it doesn’t seem to get any easier. It is also fun, all things considered, but the pressure that comes with it is nothing to take lightly. 

Vernon has gotten used to it, more or less. He usually looks forward to getting his hands on new music, new lyrics, new beats... And even more now that he has taken some interest in producing and has been pestering Jihoon about it whenever he can. 

Being a rapper, he feels like knowing more about producing could help him step up his pen game. And it does, he knows it does because he can see some kind of progress in his writing. But it is still not enough when his lyrics are ass. 

“Have you let Bumzu hyung take a look at it?” Jihoon asks. 

They are sitting in Jihoon’s studio, Vernon on the couch and Jihoon on his master-of-producing chair – as Soonyoung calls it. They have been sitting there for hours, maybe days at this point. 

“Yes, and he says I need to work on it some more,” Vernon answers. “What do you think?” 

Jihoon’s expression already tells everything there is to say, but he still doesn’t hold back on his honest opinion. “I think it lacks personality, somehow. It feels like you’re writing distancing yourself from it, and it makes the lyrics kind of...” 

“Shitty?” 

“I was about to say dull, but whatever works for you, I guess.” 

Vernon nods at that, going back to reading his lyrics and staring at his precious notebook waiting for some kind of divine intervention to help him gain his lyrics power again. Jihoon turns around in his chair and goes back to his computer and his producing program. 

They stay like that for God knows how long, until someone knocks on the studio door. 

“Hey, you workaholics!” Seungkwan says as a greeting. “Vocal lessons are over for me and Dokyeom hyung. Want to go grab something to eat together?” 

Vernon and Jihoon look at each other, and then they look at the time. It’s almost midnight. 

“Isn’t it too late to go eat?” Jihoon asks. 

Seungkwan, obviously, pouts. “I didn’t have dinner because I had schedules back-to-back, and I know you two didn’t have dinner either or this studio would be a garbage can with take-out containers everywhere.” 

“Maybe we got rid of the trash, you can never know,” Vernon says around a yawn. 

“Don’t treat me like an idiot, Hansollie. This door has been closed for hours with both of you piled inside.” 

Silence downs on the room, both of them not knowing how to rebut to that. 

“You didn’t even go to the bathroom once,” Seungkwan adds. “Are you drinking something? Or do you plan to die of dehydration while working on this album?” 

And just as Seungkwan is scolding them, Seokmin appears behind him, cheerful as always. Not even the never-ending schedules could deter him from having the sweetest and gentlest smile on his face. 

“Jihoon hyung! Vernonie! Let’s go eat, c’mon!” he shouts. 

And if Seungkwan’s pout was already convincing enough for Vernon, what really makes it impossible for both of them to decline their offer is Seokmin’s enthusiasm. 

They gather all their things and leave the company building together, going to a hole-in-the-wall place that Seokmin knows very well and that is open until late. Seungkwan claims the seat next to Vernon, as he always does, and he keeps trying to put more food on his plate while Vernon tries to do the same to him. 

It becomes immediately clear to Vernon that accepting his friends’ invitation was the right thing to do. Jihoon can’t help but laugh at Seokmin antics and his shoulders seem to not be as tense as they had been the whole day in the studio. His face relaxes around his members, sharing good food and having a good laugh without having to think too much about work. 

He himself feels incredibly energized, even at the late hour and even after an entire day cooped up in the studio. Spending time with his friends is the best remedy against all the thoughts and worries inside his head. It's not like they disappear, of course, but they get a bit quieter and Seungkwan’s yapping and Seokmin’s loud laugh cover them up just enough for him to breathe. 

When the night comes to an end – way too late than it should have been, considering their morning schedule for the next day –, Vernon finds himself walking next to Seungkwan, with Jihoon and a tipsy Seokmin in tow. 

“What’s bothering you?” Seungkwan asks, tone gentle as it always is. 

Vernon looks at him, eyebrows raised in confusion. “Nothing is bothering me.” 

Seungkwan gives him a look. Their hands are lightly brushing against each other as they walk closely together, and Vernon finds out that focusing on that might not be the best choice at the moment, as his heartbeat spikes a little. 

“Hansol,” Seungkwan calls him, trying to catch his attention again probably. 

“Yes?” 

“Please, talk to me.” 

Vernon heaves a sigh and decides that it can’t hurt to vent a little to Seungkwan about his frustrations. Sure, he still feels like a burden every time he does it – be it with the boy next to him or with another member – but Seungkwan asked. He always asks. 

“I just feel like maybe...” he starts, not really knowing where he is going with this. “Maybe this isn’t my calling. Being a rapper, I mean.” 

“What?” 

“I’ve been working closely with Jihoon hyung on the new album for the past weeks and nothing that comes out of me seems to be good enough. My lyrics are just not there, and Jihoon hyung says that it feels like I’m not putting myself in it but I’m really trying. I'm just coming to the conclusion that maybe this is not what I should be doing.” 

Seungkwan hums at that, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“I can’t be a rapper if I am not able to write my own lyrics. That's the main thing about being a rapper. And lately I can’t seem to write anything that doesn’t sound like ass, so what does that make me?” he asks, without expecting a real answer. 

“It makes you someone who is just having a hard time,” Seungkwan answers anyway. 

Vernon looks at him instead of the road in front of them and finds that the other is already looking in his direction. 

“Or I am just an imposter,” Vernon rebuts. 

“Maybe,” Seungkwan concedes. “Or maybe you’re just extremely overworked and stressed and you are putting too much pressure on yourself to do everything good that your mind doesn’t have the space and freedom to explore and express itself. How does that sound?” 

Vernon stops walking, Seungkwan stops a couple of steps after him and turns back to look at him. The sincerity and worry dripping from his gaze gets a bit too much for Vernon, and he has to look away. Seungkwan's eyes don’t leave him, though. He can feel his attention, and it makes him warm all over. 

“Why did you stop? It’s already late, let’s walk faster,” Jihoon interrupts the moment, walking past them, arm in arm with Seokmin, who is starting to get sleepy. 

Vernon nods faintly and moves to go stand next to Seungkwan again. He takes Seungkwan’s hand in his and they both start walking behind their friends. 

In a breath, Seungkwan tells him “You don’t have to hold my hand.” 

“You don’t want me to?” 

“It’s not that. I’m just saying, if you think you have to just because-” 

“I want to,” Vernon interrupts him. “You held my soul for a little, listening to me and telling me all these things, and now I want to hold your hand.” 

Seungkwan gulps silently, his gaze stuck on the pavement under their feet. 

Both don’t say another word during the rest of their commute towards the dorm, but their hands don’t separate. It is when they are about to say goodnight and get into their respective rooms that Seungkwan speaks again, whispering in order not to disturb the other members who are already sleeping. 

“Can you just try to not be so hard on yourself, please?” he asks. “Can you... can you give yourself time and space to catch your breath?” 

“Ironic that you, of all people, are telling me this when I know your schedule and-” 

“Hansol,” Seungkwan interrupts. “This is not about me right now.” 

“Okay,” Vernon nods. “I’ll try to keep my head above the water.” 

Seungkwan smiles softly at that. Not one of his big, elated smiles, Vernon notices. One of his most private smiles, soft at the edges and a bit insecure. As if he doesn’t completely trust the other about what he just said, but he wants to believe in him, nonetheless. 

But Seungkwan’s faith might have been misplaced and Vernon, all things considered, didn’t deserve it to start with because, in the following weeks, he keeps working restlessly. He works in the studio with Jihoon, in his own room, in the car rides between schedules... Nothing can separate him from his notebook and his pen. 

He feels a terrible burnout incoming, and he is worried about it hitting him in the middle of their comeback, but there is really nothing he can do. He has to work on his lyrics, and he has to make them better for the sake of the album. 

It is on a Wednesday like any other, one that has him locked into the studio alone for hours on end, that Seungkwan seemingly gets tired of his routine and decides to barge into the room without knocking. 

“Seungkwanie?” Vernon asks, surprised to see him at the company so late at night. 

He knows Seungkwan’s schedule to a concerning degree and he knows that he should be sleeping at this hour and getting some rest for the recording he has the following morning. 

“Yeah, Seungkwanie,” he answers, placing a laptop in front of Vernon and opening it aggressively. 

Vernon looks at him and at the laptop concerned. “Are you... okay?” 

“Everything is fine, why do you ask?” Seungkwan rebuts, all the while typing something angrily on the aforementioned laptop. 

“You should be sleeping at this hour.” 

“So should you, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’re sleeping.” 

“Seungkwan-” 

“You’re not sleeping nor eating properly. You're not getting any rest either,” Seungkwan starts counting on his fingers. “What did we talk about last time, then? Didn’t you promise me you would take care of yourself?” 

Vernon sighs. He was afraid that this day was going to come sooner rather than later because Seungkwan had started to look at him suspiciously and he was always monitoring his every move. But even though he knew that they were going to have this conversation one way or another, he really doesn’t want to have it right this moment. 

“I didn’t promise you anything. I said I would try,” Vernon clarifies. 

“And did you, Hansol? Did you try at all?” 

“Yes, I tried to not get too caught up in work, but I need to--” 

“You need to get better because you’re not good enough at what you do and blah blah blah,” Seungkwan says, annoyance evident on his face. 

Vernon suddenly feels ashamed about his thoughts, as if Seungkwan mocking him was a slap on his face. 

“You don’t need to be rude about it, Seungkwan,” he says. 

“I don’t want to be rude about it,” Seungkwan argues. “I’m here to make you realize that you are wrong.” 

He then presses a button on the laptop and, in an instant, the screen lights up with a colorful page from Power Point. The text on it says “Ten times Chwe Hansol proved to be one of the best artists on the contemporary music scene”. 

“You made a Power Point presentation?” Vernon asks, totally stunned. 

Seungkwan’s little smug smile shows all his satisfaction with his little project. “Hell yes, I did! Words are gone with the wind, but a colorful and well curated presentation with the right effects can stay forever in the heart of the one who watches it.” 

Vernon suppresses a laugh. Not because he finds it particularly funny, nor because he thinks Seungkwan is not in his right mind. He just finds it so incredibly endearing that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. The voices in his head tell him to bite Seungkwan on that round cheek of his, but, luckily, he learned not to listen to them in these situations – most of the time, that is. 

“Are you laughing at me?” Seungkwan asks, probably noticing Vernon’s lips held tight together. 

“No, absolutely! I’m just really curious about when you made it.” 

“You’re not the only one that works at night, Hansol. Let me tell you that.” 

Vernon nods. “Well, why don’t we start?” 

And so, they spend the next hour looking through the presentation, with Seungkwan giving explanations and adding little comments here and there. Vernon feels warm all over every time he compliments him about something and is surprised to catch himself thinking that he has never been loved and cherished the way Seungkwan loves and cherishes him. 

The presentation also seems to help him in more ways than one. He feels better about himself, his self-esteem as an artist is restored to a certain degree, and that makes it possible for him to get into a healthier routine and to escape the impending burnout hovering on him. 

Writing is not a chore as much and Jihoon starts appreciating his lyrics way more. When they have a group meeting about the lyrics and the songs for the new album, Seungkwan is the one that praises him the most and compliments him for one of his verses in particular. 

“If it’s you, I need no other 
You’re like the summer without the overbearing heat 
You’re the boiling point to my loneliness 
I can’t sleep because of you and suddenly it’s morning already.” 

“It’s so romantic and sweet,” Seungkwan says. “I bet you’re going to be an amazing boyfriend for whoever will be lucky to have you.” 

And Vernon doesn’t know what to do, if not thank him and lower his head in embarrassment as his ears turn the brightest shade of red ever. Because it is not a possibility to tell Seungkwan that his idea of luck would be to have him on the other side of his affection. Not with their members all around them, already making fun of this interaction. And not ever because their friendship is not something Vernon is willing to risk, even though it could mean bringing all his stupid and messy feelings with him in his grave. 

IV.

“Vernon, let’s go to studio three. They say everything is ready for the interview.” 

Wonwoo’s voice comes muffled from behind his mask, but Vernon understands him clearly, now used to hearing everyone speak at a lower volume. 

“I’m coming, hyung,” he answers as he gets up from his chair in his designated room. 

He puts a bit of hand sanitizer on his hands, the one he has learned to carry everywhere with him through the pandemic, and then he goes to studio three. 

He bows to the few people there, all of them wearing their own mask and keeping a safe distance from one another. Seungcheol and Mingyu are already sitting on the couch, their masks discarded in favor of letting the make-up noonas do their job on their faces. 

It is definitely weird, working like this. The pandemic of Covid-19 has put them all in a situation that no one could ever imagine, making them cancel their tour and all their public appearances. The only things they have been able to do are working on music and doing interviews through videocalls. 

This is just another interview about their latest comeback that is going to go out in a couple of weeks, and this time it only includes the hip hop unit. It is with an American journalist, so Vernon already knows that he will need to translate and work as an intermediate because no one ever calls an actual translator if he or Joshua are in the room. 

It is not like the other members don’t understand English. On the contrary, they understand it really well, but they are not able to speak the language properly, so they restore to using Korean when answering the questions. Which wouldn’t be a problem if, once again, the American magazine hired a translator, but Vernon guesses they are too lazy to do it. 

After a quick refresh of his and Wonwoo’s make-up, everything is ready for the interview to start. The journalist connects to the call and the cameras start rolling. It still feels a bit weird for Vernon to be doing things like this, even after all these months, but he still does his best as always. 

“So, what can we expect from this new album?” the interviewer asks. 

“Well, I think it will feel a bit different from what we have released before,” Seungcheol says in Korean. “We worked on it with a different approach, so we are also very curious to see the fans’ reactions. Hoping they will like it, of course!” 

Vernon immediately proceeds to translate for the man on the other side of the screen, making sure to convey Seungcheol’s words the best he can. 

“Thank you for your answer, and thank you Vernon for translating.” 

“No problem at all,” Vernon smiles politely. 

“Can we expect a bit more English in your new songs?” 

The question doesn’t even surprise Vernon at this point because he is too used to American outlets and journalist always asking the same thing over and over again. 

“I guess the same as always?” he answers, chuckling lightly. “Our songs have always had a bit of English in them, so-” 

“Yeah, but while that is true, I just wonder if you are trying to go global and implement more English in your music. You know, to make it more accessible.” 

Mingyu is the one to take the word. “I understand your point of view, but we already have a solid fanbase all around the world with our music as it is. There are translations available online, and I also don’t think music’s value can be measured by its language.” 

Vernon nods at his answers and translates it immediately, word for word. The expression the journalist makes is not promising at all, and suddenly he doesn’t like the turn this interview is taking. 

“Okay but, Vernon, why don’t you exploit you being American more?” the man insists. “There’s you and Joshua and you could, you know, help bring Seventeen under the spotlight more in the U.S. if you just-” 

“I’m-” Vernon stutters. He doesn’t even know where to start to answer that. “I’m actually Korean.” 

“You were born in New York.” 

“Yeah but... I was raised here. I've got a Korean citizenship. And I’m expected to serve my country as all Korean citizens are, so I think this makes me more Korean than anything.” 

The man sighs and nods. “Okay, well, even if we consider it like that... You still know English so well, and so does another of your members, so what’s stopping you to move more towards the international scene as a group?” 

Vernon is completely flabbergasted about what the man is trying to say and he ends up opening and closing his mouth like a fish before saying “We already are in the international scene. Why should we change anything to appeal to other people if what we’re doing seems to be working already?” 

“Linguistically speaking, it would be so much easier for you if you sang in Eng-” 

“You think music’s success depends on the language you sing in. Am I getting this right?” Vernon asks, aware that his tone is starting to get a bit aggressive. 

“No, I just think that you and your group are not exploiting you being American enough when you could be on every chart if you just stopped being stubborn about this ‘I’m Korean’ nonsense.” 

Vernon feels his blood boiling in his veins. There are two reactions fighting inside of him. One is insulting this man for the way he is talking about him and about his members, for the entitlement he thinks he has. The other consists in just staying silent and maybe storming off the room. But truth is, he cannot do any of this and he has to choose the secret third option. The professional option, or to say: stay silent and keep being polite for the sake of all of them and their career. 

“Vernon is Korean,” Mingyu says in English. 

The interviewer laughs a bit. “His name is Vernon. Who are you kidding?” 

“Hansol,” Vernon intervenes, his hands resting on his thighs in closed fists. “My first name is Hansol. It's as Korean as it can get.” 

Seungcheol, sitting to his right, puts a hand on his shoulder and, when Vernon turns slightly to look at him, he sees him sending daggers with his eyes towards their managers. He also notices his other hand, out of frame from the interviewer’s point of view, gesturing for the interview to stop. Vernon knows he must be livid, if the strength of his grip and the size of his eyes are something to take into account. 

“My point still stands. Not using your foreign origins to help the group seems a bit-” 

“We also have two Chinese members,” Wonwoo speaks up in English. “Why don’t you suggest us to also expand our Chinese public?” 

“Because he only cares about his country,” Seungcheol says, in Korean. “And I care about my members, and that’s why this interview is now over. C’mon, let’s go home.” 

Seungcheol gets up from the couch and takes Vernon’s hand into his to make him get up too. Everything feels like some kind of blur to him. He doesn’t even completely register Mingyu and Wonwoo following them, too busy mulling all that had been said in his head. 

The whole ride back to the dorms passes in complete silence, except for Seungcheol’s complaints to their manager about how they should be more careful who they call for these things because “that was so disrespectful towards Vernonie and our artistry that I don’t even know how I managed to not tell him to fuck off directly”. Mingyu and Wonwoo jump into the conversation here and there, but Vernon is completely closed in on himself. 

Arriving at the building feels like some sort of blessing. Vernon runs off and locks himself in his room, wishing to only be left alone. Since they have changed dorms, distributing all of them on three different floors, he finally can have a room just for himself and enjoy the peace of his own space. Not that he didn’t like sharing a room with his friends in the past, but growing up also meant a strong desire to have some privacy and more space for oneself. 

His luck is that all the members that live with him are out on another schedule, so he can lock himself in his room without having to explain anything to anyone. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have escaped Seokmin’s countless questions. He is also pretty sure that Seungcheol, Mingyu and Wonwoo are already updating all the members that are currently in the building. So, he doesn’t know how long his peace is going to last. 

That’s why he doesn’t lose any time and takes out his personal journal as fast as he can. Sitting at his desk, he writes down the date of the day and starts to bring out on paper the mess in his mind. 

“Am I in the wrong place? I sometimes wonder if maybe I should have stayed where I was and not moved here. It's not like I decided to move here, though. It's not a choice I made for myself. Am I enduring the consequences of my parents’ choices? Maybe not. Maybe it’s just me, after all. 

I could’ve left years ago. I could’ve gone back to my mother’s, in New York. I could’ve but I decided to stay here and to become a trainee and then an idol and now I am here. I don’t regret it. I am surrounded by love, I do what I wanted to do the most: bring people emotions through music. I get to express myself and I get to do it with a bunch of amazing guys next to me. 

I found friendship, understanding, affection. I found family, a family that cares about me just because I am me. They don’t care if I am American or Korean. They don’t care if I look more one nationality or the other. They praise me for my English and thank me when I help them. They always tell me I look handsome and compliment me every chance they get. They protect. They protect me and get angry on my part if someone hurts me. 

As I said, I don’t regret it being here. I don’t regret anything, and surely I don’t regret getting to know these people. But sometimes, like today, I wonder. Do I really belong here? How different would my life be if I was somewhere else? Would the world accept me more if I just... if I just tried to fit in the right place? Maybe I am destined to always feel some sort of alien in my own skin.” 

Vernon’s peace lasts something like three days. Days in which he stays mainly in his room and goes out to the shared spaces of the dorm only when he hears silence coming from the other side of the door, which means the others are out or in their own rooms. 

One the fourth day of his isolation, someone knocks on his door. He doesn’t hear it at first because he is wearing his headphones and listening to music at a concerningly high volume. But the sound becomes so insistent that he has to take off his headphones and see what it is. 

When he realizes that there is someone out of his door, he gets up from his bed and goes to open it, expecting maybe Chan asking him to order take-out together. 

But, as the door opens, it reveals Seungkwan standing on the other side of it. 

“Seungkwanie? You shouldn’t be here,” is the first thing that comes out of Vernon’s mouth. 

And it’s true. Since the start of the pandemic, the members have been heavily advised not to go to the other dorms and see each other only when they have schedules together, in order to limit the infection, should one of them result positive to the virus. 

Seungkwan, obviously, rolls his eyes to the sky. “Do I look like I care, Chwe Hansol?” 

“You should be on the eighth floor.” 

“Stop telling me where I should be. I want to be here with you right now.” 

Vernon’s heart skips a beat. He can’t help it, but everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t show it. 

“But you know that-” 

He doesn’t get to finish his sentence because Seungkwan shoves him to the side a little and gets into the room. In a swift movement, he closes the door and locks it, just to then turn around and take Vernon’s hand in his. 

If he has to be honest, Vernon has no idea why Seungkwan is there or what he plans on doing, but he can’t say he doesn’t appreciate seeing him after so long. They have been chatting on and off, sometimes they videocall with the other members on the other floors because they all are so deeply bored when they don’t have a schedule or a dance practice for consecutive days, but being with him in person is a completely different thing. Vernon missed him, for how cheesy that might sound for two people that actually live in the same building and see each other so often. 

Seungkwan takes Vernon to his bed and makes both of them lay there, tangling their limbs together and hugging Vernon close to his chest. 

“What are you-” Vernon tries to ask. Not that he doesn’t enjoy some cuddling with Seungkwan, but everything is so sudden that his mind is having trouble catching up. 

“Ssshhh,” Seungkwan shushes him, his chin buried in Vernon’s hair and his hands patting Vernon’s shoulders and back slowly up and down. “You deserve a good session of cuddling.” 

“Do I?” 

“Yes, you do. I should’ve come sooner but Seungcheol hyung-” 

“I’m guessing he told you what happened at the interview.” 

Not that Vernon didn’t know that already. It was obvious that his hyungs would have told everyone what happened. 

“He told everyone, Sollie. He was fuming, and everyone got so angry for what happened,” Seungkwan explains, voice soft but with an undertone of irritation. “I wanted to come here right away but he told me to give you time. I think three days are enough time, aren’t they?” 

Vernon chuckles a little at that. Seungkwan has always been so caring and receptive about his emotions that staying still and waiting to go to him must have been a real challenge. 

“And if I needed three days more?” Vernon asks, voice muffled by Seungkwan’s t-shirt. 

Seungkwan hums at that and distances himself a little to look him in the face. 

“Do you need three days more? I can go back and sneak in again in three days, if you want.” 

Vernon shakes his head no and brings a hand up to caress Seungkwan’s cheek. He can’t believe a soul so precious exists, and he doesn’t know what he did in his previous life to deserve to have it in his life. 

“No, just stay here.” 

Seungkwan’s eyes slowly move all over Vernon’s face and, when they land on Vernon’s lips, he visibly gulps. Vernon suddenly realizes how close they are and decides it would be better to just move a little away from the other. Not enough to lose the points of touch between their bodies: their limbs stay tangled, Seungkwan’s hands don’t move away from Vernon’s back and Vernon doesn’t stop caressing his cheek. 

“So, do you want to talk about it?” Seungkwan asks in a whisper. 

“There’s not much to talk about, actually,” Vernon answers sincerely. “I’ve always struggled with finding my place in the world and my identity, you know that already, so situations like this make me spiral a bit. But I’ve been journaling and it has helped a lot.” 

Seungkwan nods. “I wanted to come here as soon as possible precisely because I know everything already. I needed to remind you that you are your own person and whatever some assholes say does not define you or change that.” 

“You’re right. My identity being complex doesn’t make it a flaw or something to be ashamed of. And I get to choose the place I want to belong to, no one else.” 

“There’s nothing, and I mean nothing, in you that you should be ashamed of, Hansollie.” 

Vernon smiles a little at the fervor in Seungkwan’s voice as he says that. 

“You think so?” he asks, just because he really needs to hear some more words of comfort from the boy in front of him. 

“Are you really-” Seungkwan looks completely outraged at the question. “Of course I think so! If you didn’t have both American and Korean origins, would you have a face like that? Or would you be able to speak two languages so fluently? Would you be so open-minded if you didn’t have such a stimulating upbringing? You’re one of the reasons why I think our group is able to always challenge itself and never be static. You bring all of us so many different inputs when we make music or organize new content. So, nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“And what about this?” Vernon asks again. 

“What do you mean?” 

“What about me being this sensitive and isolating myself when I feel hurt? I don’t think it’s much of a quality.” 

One of Seungkwan’s hands goes into Vernon’s hair and starts petting it slowly as he says “Your heart is not something to be ashamed of either. I know you still struggle with it, but it’s okay being sensitive and caring deeply about things. I just think you should learn how to not let things go straight to your heart and, most of all, to your mind, most of all if we’re talking about bad things or things said by irrelevant people.” 

“Sometimes my mother hurts me too. Are you saying she is irre-” 

“What!? No!” Seungkwan nearly screams, and Vernon can’t help but laugh about the indignation he sees on his face. “I didn’t mean it like that, c’mon, you know what I meant!” 

The more Seungkwan tries to justify himself, the more Vernon keeps laughing. He laughs so much that he can feel his stomach hurting. 

“Hansol, stop it!” Seungkwan exclaims, but he can’t help the laugh that starts bubbling inside of him, too. 

And it’s on his bed, laughing with Seungkwan about something that isn’t even that funny, that Vernon realizes that there is really no other place he would rather be. 

V.

Vernon thought nothing could be harder than having to live with twelve other guys as a teenager, but it turns out that living with just two other people as an adult is not that simple either. 

When Junhui left the dorms to move into an apartment of his own, he was left sharing the dorms with Seokmin and Chan and he thought that it couldn’t be that bad. They were already used to sharing their spaces, if anything they were used to sharing them with one person more. What could go wrong? Many things, apparently. 

Seokmin and Vernon had started arguing a lot, unfortunately, and for such stupid and irrelevant things that Chan had started to get fed up with them and often went out to find shelter in the other members’ apartments. 

One day they would argue about what to eat, the other about Vernon’s unopened parcels accumulating in the hall, and then about Seokmin’s habit of inviting people over without checking if it was okay for his roommates. The arguments they have had in just six months of living together are countless, and it makes Vernon realize how important Junhui’s role as a pacifier was for them. Role that Chan doesn’t seem to want for himself. 

“Seokmin hyung!” Vernon screams from the bathroom. “Did you have a shower?” 

Chan is the first one who comes running to the bathroom, maybe to assess the situation. Vernon sees him standing in the doorway and points to the mess Seokmin left in the shower, as he always does, leading them to have the nth fight. 

“Oh, well...” Chan says, biting down on his bottom lip. “I think I’ll go stay with Hoshi hyung for a bit today. Please, don’t kill each other.” 

And with that, he flees the house. Vernon didn’t really expect anything different by now. 

Seokmin gets there just thirty seconds after Chan has left. 

“Why did Channie-” he starts to ask but stops as Vernon points to the mess in the shower. “Not this again, Vernon. I really don’t want to fight today.” 

Vernon chuckles bitterly. “You think I want to fight? I don’t, but I’ve been asking you since forever to just-” 

“I know, but I forgot. And also, it’s not that bad, objectively. What does it matter if the glass of the shower is a bit dirty?” 

“It matters to me! Why is it so hard for you to just try and do this one thing?” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Seokmin shrugs. “Maybe it’s as hard for me as it is for you to just move your fucking parcels away or just open them.” 

Vernon sighs, frustrated. “Not this again.” 

“Yes, this again, since you want to always point things out. Is it annoying when someone does the same to you?” 

“There is a difference-” 

“There is no difference, Vernon. You can’t stand the shower thing, and I can’t stand having parcels in the hall as if we’re in a warehouse.” 

Vernon closes his eyes and rubs aggressively at them, all he while trying to breathe and to calm himself. He really hates arguing with Seokmin and the last thing he wants is to say something he will regret immediately. 

“Okay,” he says in the end. “Can you just, I don’t know, take a leaf out of Chan’s book and leave for a while?” 

Seokmin snickers a bit. “Now you’re kicking me out of my own house?” 

“I’m not-” Vernon begins but stops as he realizes that he is raising his voice. That is not what he is trying to do here. “I don’t want to kick you out. I just want us to have some time away from each other in order not to blow this out of proportion.” 

“Okay, so why don’t you go out?” 

“Because at least I will be cleaning the shower, hyung,” Vernon answers sourly. 

So much for trying to stay calm and not make things degenerate. But sometimes he just can’t help the nerves that Seokmin brings out of him. 

It seems to work nonetheless, as Seokmin just nods and leaves him alone in the bathroom. As he hears the main door open and then slam closed again aggressively, Vernon realizes that the apartment is now empty except for him and takes a moment to just sit on the floor and breathe for a couple of minutes. 

Objectively speaking, the shower drama is not even that serious – just like any single one of their arguments – but he feels blood boil inside of him every time he sees the mess Seokmin leaves after showering. He has tried speaking to him about it so many times, but the other insists on not doing anything about it. Vernon doesn’t know if it is because he genuinely forgets or because he wants to be petty with him, as he also doesn’t do anything about all his parcels in the hallway that Seokmin has been lamenting about for a while. He also doesn’t remember Seokmin being like this when they all shared the dorms, not even when Junhui was still with them. So, he doesn’t understand what changed in the span of literal months. 

Whatever it is, there is nothing he can do about it at the moment, so he just resorts to getting to work and cleaning the shower. Luckily, cleaning up with some music in the background helps him relax a little, as he has discovered over the years. Time passes quickly and, without realizing it, he has finished and there is someone knocking on his door. 

He has scarcely the time to get out of the bathroom and go into the hallway before the door opens and Seungkwan gets inside the apartment. 

“I thought I would find you in your room,” is the first thing he says, and he phrases it as a question. 

“I was cleaning up the shower,” Vernon shrugs, still a bit out of it because Seungkwan is the last person he expected to see today. 

It’s one of their days off and, every time they have a day off, Seungkwan is known for disappearing from every radar in order to catch up with his friends or to go shopping or also to go play some kind of sport. Or all three things together. 

Meanwhile, Vernon usually spends his days off in his room catching up on sleep or watching some tv series. The maximum he does could be go to the cinema or go out to eat something he craves, but that’s it. He has never been too active of a person, contrary to the boy now standing in front of him. 

Seungkwan nods at that and takes off his shoes. He carefully places them on the shoe rack, just next to the incriminated pile of parcels, and goes into the kitchen. Vernon follows him. 

“Do you want to eat something?” he asks, then. “We can order take-out or, I don’t know, cook something?” 

He proceeds then to open all the cabinets in the kitchen, as Vernon just stands and watches him. 

“Damn, you really have nothing in this house. How do you survive?” 

“What are you doing?” Vernon finds himself asking. 

“It’s dinner time so I thought we could eat? Together?” 

“No, I mean... What are you doing here.” 

Seungkwan pulls himself up to sit on the kitchen counter and sighs. Vernon notices he is starting to pick on his cuticles, something he does when he is nervous, and gets closer to him to put one of his hands on Seungkwan’s to get him to stop. 

It seems to work, and it also makes Seungkwan look up to him instead of his own hands. 

“Seokmin hyung came to us,” is all he says, maybe considering it as enough of an explanation. 

Vernon hums and nods a little, starting to caress the other’s hands in circular movements. As they stay silent and look at each other for a minute, Vernon can’t help but think about how pretty Seungkwan looks under the lights in his kitchen. He is always extremely pretty, and he notices it every time they are together, but there is something about him in this exact moment that he can’t quite explain. 

“Did he tell you we had a fight?” he asks then, trying to get back to the matter at hand and to not get too distracted by the boy in front of him. 

Seungkwan nods. “He came to talk about it with Jeonghan hyung, obviously, and I was there and... He told me you were alone because Channie flew the scene immediately, as always. I thought you could use some company. Was I wrong?” 

“No, I can always use some of your company. You should know it, by now.” 

Seungwkan seems to stop breathing for half a second, but it is something so brief that Vernon thinks he imagined it. 

“Anyways,” he continues. “It’s always the shower problem, and he always brings out the parcels problem and so on. I don’t understand how I never noticed the mess he leaves in the shower, after living with him for so long. It’s been years and I think it’s safe to say that I sometimes happened to shower after him, but I’ve never noticed this.” 

Seungkwan hums before answering. “It’s because we always made sure to clean up after him, to not bother you.” 

Now, this is new information for Vernon. 

“You did what?” 

“Yeah,” Seungkwan smiles a little. “After one of the first times you found the shower a mess, we agreed between us that we would try to make it easier for you and make sure it was clean before it was your turn to use it. And Jun hyung kept the pact also when we changed dorms, so that’s why you’re only noticing now.” 

“This comes as a shock to me,” Vernon admits, still trying to process this information. How could he not notice something like this after all these years? 

Seungkwan chuckles, his round cheeks bouncing up. Vernon wishes, not for the first time in his life, he could just lean forward and bite them. 

“I really am the worst person ever, then,” he continues. “I continue to get mad at him because it frustrates me that he started acting like that in the last few months but... This is a problem he has been having for years. He just didn’t know, because all of you always took care of it.” 

“You’re not the worst person ever, Hansollie.” 

“I fight with Seokmin hyung, Seungkwan. No one ever fights with Seokmin hyung, it’s like fighting a baby duck or something.” 

Seungkwan laughs loudly at that, throwing his head back and everything. Vernon has to tear his eyes away from his neck. 

“Do I have to remind you of the Jeju trip?” he asks then, trying to suppress his laugh. “I fought with him for the whole trip and Jeonghan hyung was extremely fed up with us. Am I the worst person ever for that?” 

“No, you aren’t of course.” 

“Okay, so why should you?” 

“Because what kind of person am I if I can’t even get along with someone as good of heart as Seokmin hyung? Maybe my personality is too difficult.” 

Seungkwan sighs at that, and Vernon knows he is fed up with his self-deprecating discourse. 

“Hansollie, you’ve grown up so much, but you can’t seem to get rid of this little monster in your head that’s always telling you the worst things ever,” he says. “You and Seokmin hyung get along just fine. It’s just that friendships aren’t always perfect and arguing and fighting are also part of them. We fought too, didn’t we?” 

Vernon cringes at the memory. “Please, don’t remind me of that.” 

“Well, it’s necessary that I remind you of that because it’s a good example of how we fought and then made up and... Hey, look at us now!” 

Seungkwan smiles and spreads his arms. Vernon laughs a little at his antics. 

“I’ve been fighting with Soonyoung hyung since forever,” he continues. “But that doesn’t mean that one of us is the problem or that we don’t care about each other. You just need to communicate more and you’ll be fine, I promise you.” 

Vernon nods and bites down on his bottom lip, something he does out of habit. The movement seems to catch Seungkwan’s attention, as his eyes are drawn to Vernon’s lips. And Vernon doesn’t know what gets into him – years of pining after the other, the vulnerability of the moment, the urgency of just being close – but he starts moving closer to Seungkwan. 

The air is tense between them. Hell, it feels tense in the whole kitchen. Vernon leans in as much as he can with Seungkwan’s legs between them, until Seungkwan decides to open them so that he can slot himself in the new space. His heart is nearly bursting in his ribcage, as he can feel Seungkwan’s breath on his lips. 

“So, you don’t think I’m a bad person,” Vernon whispers, eyes glued to Seungkwan’s plump lips. 

“No, quite the opposite,” Seungkwan answers, voice barely there. 

All it takes for them to kiss – and ruin all the years of friendship that Vernon so desperately has tried to protect by swallowing up his feelings and choking up on his yearning – is a little inclination of Seungkwan’s head, half a step from Vernon’s part. They are divided by millimeters, or maybe less. Maybe not even a gust of wind could pass between their lips as of now. 

But when Seokmin bursts back into the apartment, shouting Vernon’s name in a cry for forgiveness, the wind comes back into Vernon’s lungs and reality hits him so hard that he has to take several steps back to distance himself from Seungkwan. 

Seungkwan, whose rosy cheeks and blown eyes let Vernon know that he wasn’t the only one who just got out of a trance. Seungkwan, who Vernon thought would never reciprocate his feelings. Seungkwan, who was about to kiss him too. 

+ 1. 

Seungkwan doesn’t exactly know when what he calls ‘The Big Switch’ happened. He has some theories, sure, but he still can’t pinpoint how it happened or when it happened. All he knows is that his and Vernon’s bond started to change drastically somewhere over the years. 

It started with Vernon not wanting to be as touchy as before in front of the others or in front of cameras. Then it continued with Vernon replying less and less to his texts or calls. And, ultimately, even hanging out together, just the two of them, started to become difficult. 

If Seungkwan thinks about it, the rupture point could be considered the day they nearly kissed in Vernon’s kitchen and then proceeded to never talk about it again. Seungkwan was too shy to bring it up, and the thought of hearing Vernon tell him that it was a mistake and he was glad nothing happened was too scary. So, he just acted like nothing happened, but something in Vernon had changed. 

At first, Seungkwan didn’t think too much about it, and he just accepted that growing up could entail also this kind of change in relationships. But then he started getting sad about it and suddenly finding a reason for what happened became the most important thing. So, digging through their past, he concluded that Vernon had understood what his feelings were and didn’t want him to get the wrong idea nor he wanted to hurt him. 

So, all in all, it was Seungkwan’s fault. He and his stupid feelings, his stupid love and his stupid incapability of hiding his heart had ruined years of friendship with the most important person in his life. 

Truth be told, things were really not that bad. Both Jeonghan and Mingyu had called him dramatic about it countless times over the years every time he started talking about it. And maybe they are not wrong. He is dramatic when it comes to Vernon because, even though they have grown distant, Vernon still looks for Seungkwan when he needs to talk about certain things and still values Seungkwan’s opinion the most. He has been contacting him on and off for months as he worked on his album with Minghao, always wanting to know Seungkwan’s opinion on his music and cherishing his input. So, it’s not like they don’t talk at all. 

Nonetheless, the change in their relationship is there, and Seungkwan doesn’t seem able to get used to it. He has always had problems with adjusting to changes, and his relationship with Vernon was one of the few things he thought would never change. Well, he had hoped they could... But it was never really an option. He knew Vernon could never see him like that. 

Although the lines between them have always been kind of blurry, ever since their trainee days, Seungkwan feels like everything is becoming more difficult as time goes by and that scares him. Everyone has noticed the switch between them, also the fans, so it can only mean that Seungkwan has some reasons to be dramatic. That’s why he started to joke saying that his friendship with Vernon is one-sided, trying to turn the situation into something funny – at least for others, because he feels a bit like dying inside. 

“Can you stop dramatically looking outside the window? It’s making me feel like I’m inside some sort of sad movie.”  

Jeonghan interrupts his line of thought. Seungkwan turns around to give him a nasty side-eye. 

“Did someone piss in your coffee this morning or?” Jeonghan asks, his best innocent smile playing on his lips. 

“I’m just grieving my Hansollie,” Seungkwan sighs. “Can you have some respect?” 

“Oh, c’mon, he’s not dead! We’re actually going to see his concert?” 

“I know! But it’s his last schedule before enlisting and-” 

Jeonghan pats his knee sympathetically. “And you’re afraid you’ll grow even more distant than you already are. I know, I know.” 

Seungkwan pouts, feeling a bit like Jeonghan is making fun of him and not really understanding the tragedy of the situation. 

“But listen to me,” Jeonghan says then. “What if today you just do and say whatever you want?” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Let go of all these suppressed feelings you have been harboring for ten years, Seungkwanie. Do what you feel like doing and say what you feel like saying. He is going to enlist soon anyways, isn’t he? You have nothing to lose.” 

“Well, we just renewed our contracts and we still have to work together when we get discharged. I don’t think this is a good idea-” 

“It’s an amazing idea, though,” Jeonghan insists. “Even if he rejects you, which I don’t think will be the case, you both have like two years to just get over it and go back to normal. It’s perfect!” 

Seungkwan has to admit that, put like this, the situation seems perfect, indeed. What better occasion than today to let some of the weight in his heart go? Maybe he won’t confess, that would be too much, but he could still free some of his feelings. Ten years is a lot of time for someone to keep something so strong hidden inside of them and he is afraid that, one day, all these feelings will end up choking him to death. 

So, he gets inside the venue with a new mindset and is ready to let his heart take command just for tonight. He sits to his assigned seat with Jeonghan, says hello to all the people around them – Minghao's family, some of Vernon’s friends – and gets ready to enjoy the concert. 

When they start, Seungkwan feels immediately immensely proud of both of them. He loves seeing his friends, his members, shining on their own and succeeding in what they do. If he was a bit offended at first, because he wanted to do a unit with Vernon but then Vernon and Minghao chose to do it together, everything disappears as soon as he sees them on stage together. They work incredibly good as a unit, it’s almost crazy. 

By the third song, Seungkwan is already standing up and jumping. He takes so many videos, especially during Vernon’s solo stage, and he also holds up a banner saying ‘I love Chwe Vernon’ during his first ment. Jeonghan jokes with him, telling him he is having a full fanboy experience, but Seungkwan couldn’t care less. He is loving every second of it and he had already decided to not hold himself back in any way. 

And this philosophy of his, this prohibition of holding himself back that he has created for himself, remains valid even when Jeonghan pats him on the shoulder and signals him that they need to go if they want to avoid the hordes of fans and the traffic. So, he starts posting on his Instagram stories because he is so full of love and pride for his friends and everybody needs to know. 

Things get a little emotional as soon as he finds himself alone in his new apartment, after saying goodbye to Jeonghan and wishing him a good night. As he scrolls down his gallery to see what else he can post, he sees a picture of Vernon on the big screen and feels such a violent wave of feelings washing over him that he cannot hold himself back and posts it with a long message. 

“if there’s anyone in this world i can proudly brag about without holding back  

i want to brag about you  

i pride myself on knowing you well and that i've known you for a long time  

but you always show me new sides of you that go beyond my expectation  

even if i might not be the kind of friend who can inspire you  

i promised myself to become a friend who will give you endless support  

i'll cheer louder than anyone else for who you are, the music you create, and the freedom you carry! 

hansol vernon chwe, you're the best!” 

Soon after posting, Seungkwan starts having doubts about it because... Well, because it feels extremely vulnerable. But there is nothing he can do now, not when in mere minutes thousands of people have already seen it. 

He wonders how Vernon will react to it, or if he will react at all, and the thought stresses him so much that it makes him go into the kitchen and prepare some instant ramen. He feels restless and in need of doing something to keep himself busy. If he doesn’t calm down, he will spend the whole night eating everything he has in his pantry – and he can’t do that, if he doesn’t want to wake up puffy to no end in the morning. 

As he is letting the water boil and contemplating whether he wants to eat the spiciest Buldak he has or something milder, his phone vibrates on the kitchen table. Suddenly the ramen is not as important as seeing if it is Vernon reaching out about what he posted. Even if he is angry and doesn’t want to speak to him ever again, Seungkwan thinks that he will console himself with his late-night snack and everything will be fine. 

He unlocks his phone taking a deep breath, bracing himself for whatever he finds in his notification bar, but his shoulders sag in delusion as he realizes that it is just Jeonghan texting him a really encouraging “Yeah, show them how it’s done, little Vernon fanboy!”. At least someone appreciated his Instagram story. 

But his phone vibrates again in his hand and, when Seungkwan looks down at the screen, a notification tells him that user vernonline has reposted his story. To say that his heart picks up its pace is to put it lightly. Seungkwan feels like dying. 

What does the repost mean? Is he okay with what he said? Did he understand the implication behind his words? Does he, maybe... reciprocate? Seungkwan’s mind is supplying him with a hundred questions a minute and with just as many possible scenarios. Maybe Vernon just took pity on him or maybe he is doing this just to save his face in front of the fans. But still, what if... 

A knock on his door is what gets him out of this state of complete panic and overthinking he was getting himself into. Seungkwan puts his phone on the table again and goes to see who is daring to interrupt his internal crisis. 

When he looks outside from the peephole, he almost feels like all the air is getting kicked out from his lungs because Vernon is the one standing outside his door. He is so shocked that his brain is not even able to formulate more possible scenarios and just tells him to run. But run where? This is his own house, for God’s sake. 

“Should I pretend I am not here?” he ponders for a moment. 

“Open the door, Seungkwan. I know that you’re home,” Vernon’s voice comes from outside. 

Okay, so that throws his best possibility out of the window. But his tone doesn’t sound too angry or worked up, Seungkwan thinks. Vernon seems to be speaking softly to him like always, so things should not be that bad. 

That is why, with a very deep breath in and out of his lungs, Seungkwan unlocks the door for the boy he loves and braces himself for whatever this conversation will bring him. 

Or maybe not. Because, as soon as he opens the door, Vernon launches himself inside, takes his face in his hands and kisses him. He actually kisses him. Lips on lips. Seungkwan thinks he might be having a heart stroke. 

After the first moment of panic, in which Seungkwan isn’t even sure he is breathing properly, he relaxes into Vernon’s hold and tries to get closer to him by pulling him from his waist. The sound Vernon makes as soon as Seungkwan’s hands touch him is something between them and maybe God, and it urges Seungkwan to deepen the kiss. 

When they both open their mouths and their tongues find each other, Vernon turns into some kind of wild hungry animal and starts touching Seungkwan everywhere. Seungkwan feels lightheaded and abandons himself totally to the other. He doesn’t care about anything else if it has nothing to do with Vernon and with them right here, right now. 

“I really,” Vernon murmurs, out of breath. His lips still glued to Seungkwan’s lips. 

“You really?” Seungkwan asks, trying to catch his breath. 

“I really waited a lot to do this. I’m sorry, I might have been too-” 

Seungkwan gives him another peck on the lips. “No need to say sorry for anything. Except...” 

“Except what?” 

Seungkwan smiles a little and, after closing the door, takes Vernon’s hand and brings him to the kitchen table. They sit down on two chairs, one in front of the other. The only audible sound in the whole apartment is the water about to boil on the stove. 

“I don’t know where to start,” Seungkwan starts talking. “It feels like all of this is not even real, to be honest.” 

“It is real, and I should have done it a long time ago.” 

“So, it’s safe to assume that you...” 

Seungkwan leaves the sentence open, not knowing what the right way is to ask someone if he is in love with you. 

“I’m in love with you, yes,” Vernon says, the tip of his ears turning a dark shade of red. “I have been for as long as I can remember, even though I started realizing it way later. You just always knew how to handle me and you never made it seem like a chore and at some point-” 

“Because it isn’t a chore,” Seungkwan interrupts. “Please continue. I just needed to remind you that.” 

Vernon smiles bashfully, eyes shining while he looks at Seungkwan. And Seungkwan is sure his own eyes look just the same right now. 

“As I was saying, at some point I realized that I wasn’t just thankful, but I really couldn’t imagine living without you. And I started wanting more and more every day. Which is crazy, if you think about it, because we are kind of always together but not how I wanted it.” 

“What did you want?” 

“I wanted you, and I wanted everything with you.” 

Seungkwan feels his heart stop – not for the first time tonight – but there is still something he can’t wrap his mind around. 

“Then why did you never mention our almost kiss? Why did you let us drift apart?” 

“I thought you didn’t want me,” Vernon admits, and he seems nearly ashamed about it. 

“You thought I... How is that even possible? Have you seen me? I’m the most obvious person on the planet!” 

Vernon chuckles at that. “It’s true, but you also started going out with so many different people and you seemed to have something going on with them and so... I just thought I had lost my chance and had to live with it somehow.” 

“Hansollie,” Seungkwan sighs. “I love you so much but how come you’re so oblivious sometimes.” 

Redness spreads on Vernon’s cheeks and Seungkwan can’t help but stand up and go sit on one of Vernon’s thighs to caress him. Vernon’s hands immediately grab his waist. 

“You love me?” he asks. 

Seungkwan observes his face for a while. Looks at his eyes, at the little freckles around his nose, his rosy lips. 

“Yes, I love you,” he then says. “I think I’ve been loving you for as long as you’ve been loving me and I hoped... I hoped some day you would notice and tell me you loved me too. I didn’t have the courage to risk ruining our friendship and the atmosphere inside the group, even though I am pretty sure you gave me some signals along the way.” 

“I gave you so many signals, I think,” Vernon nods. “And I’ve noticed all of yours, too. But I was just too much of a coward and I decided I would bury myself with my feelings.” 

“Did I make things worse lately? Going out with other guys?” 

“You have no idea how much I’ve suffered seeing you being touchy and flirty with people who weren’t me.” 

Seungkwan hums. “Well, my plan worked, then.” 

“Your plan?” 

“Yes, Hansol. I just knew you were the jealous type, so I tried to make you boil of jealousy and come over to me,” Seungkwan smiles a bit devilishly. “I was devastated when it didn’t work out as I wanted, but I could see you were not exactly happy about all my new... companions.” 

Vernon rubs his nose against the juncture between Seungkwan’s neck and shoulder. “Just like a cat”, Seungkwan finds himself thinking. 

“It was torture for me, Seungkwanie. Let’s not do that ever again, mh?” 

Vernon’s voice is deep and slow, and Seungkwan is not immune to it one bit. 

“You have nothing to worry about. I’m exactly where I want to be.” 

Vernon looks up at him and Seungkwan puts two fingers under his chin to guide him towards his lips once again. This time the kiss is sweeter, calmer, as if there is no rush because they both have already shown their cards and nothing can bother them. 

Seungkwan savors the moment, his heart and mind both finally at peace. Back in 2013, no one could have ever made him believe that he and the boy he got attached to because they were the same age would be kissing in his kitchen thirteen years later. 

The sound of the water starting to boil interrupts Seungkwan’s bliss, but it seems to not bother Vernon at all. 

“Sollie,” Seungkwan murmurs, trying to interrupt the kiss. 

Vernon doesn’t get the memo though, biting down on Seungkwan’s bottom lip and tugging it to kiss him again. Seungkwan gulps down a whimper because it is not the time nor the place. 

“Sollie, the water is boiling,” he insists. 

Vernon goes to nip at his jaw and at his neck. “What do you need it for?” 

“I was preparing myself from ramen because I was stressed.” 

“Are you still stressed? I think I’m doing a good job at... de-stressing you.” 

Seungkwan giggles at that, and puts a hand in Vernon’s hair to tug at it a little and make the other look him in the eyes. 

“I was stressed because of you, idiot. But now I still want to eat my ramen.” 

Vernon leans forward and starts smooching him all over his face. Seungkwan can’t believe that he has been depriving himself of this Vernon for so long. He is so so so stupid. 

“But I want to eat you, so what do we do?” is what comes out of Vernon’s mouth as he reaches Seungkwan’s ear. 

Seungkwan’s stomach twists and he is sure that his face is as red as a tomato. “Aren’t you tired from the concert?” 

“For you? Never.” 

And Seungkwan thinks that if his now boyfriend, usually tired and with a very strict sleeping schedule, is so keen to put that aside for him... Well, ramen be damned.