Chapter Text
iMessages to Queen Mummy, Eloise’s iPhone
Queen Mummy:
Your birthday is approaching.
Eloise:
Not rapidly
Queen Mummy:
It is never unwise to be prepared.
Eloise:
Okay sure but Greg’s 25th is next week, Col’s 35th is a couple months away, Pen’s 30th is a week before mine, and Francesca only gave birth to twins a month ago—most of the family haven’t even met them
So what gives
Queen Mummy:
What
Eloise:
Why does my birthday matter mother
Queen Mummy:
It’s my child’s 30th birthday, of course it matters darling
The Heir & 7 Spares iMessage group, Eloise’s iPhone
Eloise:
I’ll take shady shit by the Queen for a thousand screenshot of previous conversation between Violet and Eloise
The Bigger Baby:
She ignored me? I exist???
The Baby:
This is the greatest day of my life
The Bigger Baby:
You got ignored as well!!!
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Colin got knocked down from favourite child post I see
Big Sister:
Frankie is favourite child right now
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
Are you kidding???
Benny 🩷💜💙:
You’re gave her two grandchildren at once
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
So did your own wife? And she already had ten?
Ant 🐜:
Frankie isn’t the favourite child
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
Thank you, I think
Ant 🐜:
It’s Colin
The Bigger Baby:
Tell us something we don’t know
Eloise:
Hey you lot
Big Sister:
I think it’s normal
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Why would she care about 25th or 35th birthdays
Eloise:
She also didn’t blink about Frankie’s twins
The Baby:
Yeah that’s crazy
Pen’s Husband:
Because that’s not what the conversation was about
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
Why you’re the favourite should be studied
Pen’s Husband:
Francesca??!
Ant 🐜:
Colin’s right, and I’m as surprised by that as the rest of you
Pen’s Husband:
Why is it bully Colin day
The Baby:
Because it’s a day ending in y
Eloise:
Okay well since Anthony is apparently the only person mother talks to, would you care to explain
Ant 🐜:
Frankie can never be favourite child, she lives the furthest away
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
And I regret nothing
Eloise:
I regret thinking any of you would be helpful
Big Sister:
Anthony be useful
Ant 🐜:
Mummy wouldn’t elaborate when I pried, but she let slip to Kate that she wants to make your birthday “particularly meaningful”
Eloise:
Why does it work when you say it Daph
Benny 🩷💜💙:
I remember this
The Bigger Baby:
Benedict knows???
Ant 🐜:
BENEDICT!!!
The Baby:
ANTHONY!?!!
The Bigger Baby:
HYACINTH???
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
GREGORY?!?!
Big Sister:
FRANCESCA!
Pen’s Husband:
DAPHNE!?
Eloise:
COLIN!!!!!
Benny 🩷💜💙:
ELOISE!!!!!!
Ant 🐜:
BENEDICT!!!!!
Truly Fruity iMessage group, Eloise’s iPhone
Eloise:
Benedict Charles Alexander William
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Eloise Catherine Mary
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
I’ll mute you both
Eloise:
Benny just tell meeeee
What do you know about mother’s plans for my birthday
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Not much, you know she’s not a sharer
Eloise: So you do know something!
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
I can’t defend you anymore
Eloise:
Good
Benny 🩷💜💙:
I’d like to start my defence by saying this is all secondhand information and I wasn’t told anything
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
Well you’re not Colin, we know that
Eloise:
Exactly, go on
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Mummy wants to “extend a gesture” that recognises the fact you’ll never get married or have kids
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
What does that even mean
Eloise:
For god’s sake
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
Thoughts and prayers that this gesture is appropriate
Benny 🩷💜💙:
There is every chance it’ll wildly miss the mark, but she tries
Eloise:
Can’t believe I thought abstaining from marriage would bring me some peace in this family
My Twinsie 🩷❤️:
At least Mica and I are firmly established as queer spokespeople now, we can do damage control if need be
Benny 🩷💜💙:
Sophie and I too
Eloise:
Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that