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It was a great night. Buck’s adoption of Theo was progressing smoothly. The little guy was off to visit his Aunt Maddie and cousins. Chris was having a sleepover with some friends, leaving Buck and Eddie with a rare night alone. As much as Buck was loving being a full-time dad, sometimes he still really missed these nights out, just the two of them.
They'd gone out to their favorite Italian place, a staple on their rotation. Eddie seems like he has been doing so much better since his recovery. He laughs easier and smiles more than maybe ever before, and Buck was soaking it up like sunshine. They were carrying on, when who should appear but the Devil himself.
“Well well well, I had heard you were back Diaz,” Eddie doesn't acknowledge Tommy at all. No one calls him Diaz if they want him to respond. Day 1 lesson. “I know Evan took great care of your house while you were away.” Buck bristles at the comment but refuses to bite. “I knew it. So predictable.” Tommy pats him on the shoulder condescendingly before eventually walking away. Eddie arches an eyebrow in question at Buck. He can tell there was a lot more to that exchange than on the surface.
“Eds let's go home. I'm ready to call it,” Buck drops some bills on the table and makes a quick move to the exit. Eddie shrugs and follows him. He knows when to push Buck and when to let him breathe. This was a waiting game.
Buck hops in the driver's side, ready to take home his “passenger prince”. After New Mexico Buck avoids the word princess, even in his own head... One of the many perks to his continued sobriety is never needing to call an uber. Buck knows Eddie wants an explanation about Tommy. Buck had managed to avoid him since the funeral. It still makes his stomach churn that he got to be a pole barrier at Bobby's funeral. Tommy wore dress blues while Eddie had to wear a regular suite. Bobby didn't even like Tommy. He deserved so much better.
It's not even that Tommy means that much to Buck anymore. He is way past the phase of missing him. It's more the elephant in the room. They rarely talk about Eddie's time in Texas. It was so hard on Buck, and he really isn't proud of that night. In hindsight, letting Tommy into South Bedford, a place that always been his and Eddie's, felt wrong and invasive. He'd rather just forget the whole thing. Especially the argument the morning after. But here it comes rearing its ugly head. They spend the ride in tense silence. Eddie is waiting him out.
Despite common belief, Buck wasn’t that oblivious. Would it be so crazy? No, it wouldn’t. Buck knew he was in love with Eddie. How could he not be? He was the most important person in his life. His best friend, co-parent, and partner. But he can’t just admit that. Admitting it would make it real. Buck knows Eddie is straight. He can never love him like that. So he has to be content with what they have. Most of the time, deniability works for him. He won’t let some asshole like Tommy turn him into some bi cliche hung up on his straight best friend. So denial it is.
Once they get back to South Bedford and crack open a couple of non-alcoholic beers, Eddie finally decides to break the silence. “So what was that all about? How'd Kinard know you were living here anyway?”
Buck sighs heavily. After they both almost died, again, Buck and Eddie have been trying a lot harder to be more honest with each other. Most days it’s doing wonders for their friendship. Today was not one of those days.
“I did something stupid when you were in Texas…” “What's new?” Eddie prods. “Oh shut up!” Buck playfully kicks Eddie in the shin, but it's effective in breaking the tension. “Please don't be mad…” Buck recounts his night out with Ravi . How he was drunk and lonely. Tommy just got dumped on him. (Thanks Ravi). He skips over the steamier parts obviously. Then they arrive at the morning after. Eddie has remained largely impassive during the story. Right until Buck mentions what Tommy said about competition….
“That’s ridiculous. There’s no competition. I won.”
Buck immediately drops his jaw and stares at Eddie. That was hardly the reaction he was expecting. Eddie doesn't seem to notice he has said anything wrong.
Buck gradually clears his throat.
“You do realize in this case winning means ME right?”
“Of course, I do.” Eddie nods soberly like it is the most natural reaction in the world.
“Winning me romantically…. From Tommy.”
“Forget Tommy. That guy is nothing but a bad footnote in your life. He never deserved you. I am not crazy about the fact you brought him back to my house….” Eddie pauses and sighs, showing agitation for the first time. “Our house. But you were lonely, and he took advantage of that. What a pathetic SOB. I owe Ravi some words too...You never leave a drunk friend alone like that. Especially with their ex. He should know better.”
Buck has begun to slowly shake his head from side to side.
“Eddie…. Slow down. You do realize he was insinuating that you are interested in me? A m-man.” Eddie knows that too. He has had a while to come to terms with it on his own. Though to be honest, it wasn’t nearly as painful to have a sexuality crisis as he might have imagined it to be.
Eddie isn’t sure exactly when it started. That’s the thing with Buck and Eddie. After that first shift in the back of the ambulance, there really wasn’t a beginning for them. They just were. It was like Buck had always been there. A missing piece to the puzzle of Eddie’s life. His presence was never invasive or grating. Not in a way Eddie didn’t secretly (or not so secretly) love. Buck was never a guest at South Bedford. He was just home.
Eddie does, however, know when he recognized it. When he named it. It's not a moment he could ever forget. The stress of finding a subletter was eating away at him. Every waking moment of his life was focused on the move to Texas. On getting back to his son. He missed Christopher like a phantom limb. Having known many soldiers who were amputees, he had it on pretty good authority what that felt like. Eddie had made it empathetically clear that Christopher was his only priority, and nothing could ever trump that. And while Eddie stands by that sentiment, he realized over many many lonely nights in Texas; he could have hardly said it in a crueler manner to Buck. Buck, who lost everyone he loved. Buck, who was acting out because he was so scared of losing Eddie. Buck, who was selfless in a manner beyond compare. Buck who had the most to lose by letting Eddie leave and gave him the blessing to go anyway….
“It’s me. I’m your renter.” Buck gave Eddie a shaky grin. Eddie’s eyes swelled and glassed over. He swallowed as the magnitude of Buck’s gesture sunk in. That Buck would let him go. He would give up his home for Eddie. He would hold down the fort for Eddie. Waiting, God willing, for Eddie and Christopher to come home. Because that’s who Buck was. He would wait for Eddie, without him even having to ask. Of course he would. He was their Buck. Eddie’s Buck...
“You’d do that for me?” But Eddie could already see the answer. Feel it in his heart. Something flashed across his vulnerable face. A mix of humility, acceptance, and something Buck had never quite been able to discern. “Yeah, for you and Christopher”. Christopher, who Eddie had just blatantly put before Buck. Buck who was agreeing and putting Christopher before himself too. Despite the fact that Buck had never felt chosen by anyone in his life. Not long term. Not in a way that mattered. Not like Bobby and Athena. Or Chim and Maddie. The closest he’d ever felt to that was when he was with Eddie, but now he was losing that too. And he did it with a smile on his face.
Freddy Fakeman. What a stupid, beautiful name. What a Buck thing to do. With Eddie’s next exhale he felt something settle in his chest. Of course Buck would do this for him. Of course Eddie loved him. How could he not? He was like the sun in human form. Shining down on the Diaz house, and making every moment of their lives better. Even the boring domestic ones. ESPECIALLY the boring domestic ones. And in that moment, Eddie felt his love for Buck wrapped around him like a blanket. Warm and comforting, but not new. A feeling he had gotten so accustomed to; he forgot to ask what it actually meant.
And so Eddie went to Texas knowing that he loved Buck. Knowing that Buck would be waiting for him. When they packed up the last bit of the U-Haul, Eddie got very close to breaking. He could feel the cracks in façade forming, fighting to come out. “We both could have handled this better”…. I should have handled this better. It is my fault Christopher left. So it's my job to go and bring him back. Eddie couldn’t ask Buck to go with him. He had been selfish enough already. He wouldn’t put the burden of his mistake on anyone else. “I hope you know, you do matter to me”. I love you. I love you so much it has become second nature to me. But I can’t leave you with that burden. So it will remain unspoken, just like it has all these years.
“Yeah, I know”. Eddie buried himself in Buck’s shoulder, right in the spot he always put his thumb whenever Buck needed grounded. Whenever he needed to hear Eddie more than anything else. He could feel Buck doing the same. Eddie let himself revel in the feeling of Buck against him. Wanting to imprint as much of this moment as possible on his skin. In his soul. He had no idea when, or if, he would be back. He had no idea how long he would have to live off this memory alone. But he wouldn’t ask Buck to go with him. He couldn’t. It was too much.
So Eddie focused on Buck’s heartbeat; the shift of his solid muscles beneath his hands; his scent. When he finally let go, he took one last longing look at Buck over his shoulder. He wouldn’t let himself look back again. Not when he shut the door. Not when he checked his mirrors, not when he pulled out onto the street. Not when he opened the protein cookies Buck had made for him. Or any other time during that hellish trip to Texas. Eddie knew Buck better than he knew himself (Clearly. How had he ignored this part of himself for so long?). He knew Buck wasn’t okay. But to see it… Eddie didn’t think he could bare it. He had to be selfish one more time. So he kept driving.
Eddie had a lot of regrets about moving to Texas. But one thing it gave him in spades was time. Time to think while he was waiting for passengers. Time while he was fixing up the crappy house.Time while he was staring up at his ceiling fan, unable to breathe in the sweltering Texas humidity night after night.
Being back in Texas brought back a lot of memories. Mostly of Shannon... Eddie knows that he loved her. He really did. Maybe not the way he loves Buck (he could never love anyone else that way), but it was love all the same. He had always had a complicated relationship with women. Shannon was the only one he ever felt anything deep for. What did that make him? He was being honest enough with himself to admit that he found men more aesthetically pleasing. Buck was big and strong. Huge really. And that made Eddie feel safe and precious in a way he never had before. But other men? They didn’t really do anything for him. What does that mean? So Eddie decided to approach this situation like Buck would and did some research. On nights he couldn’t sleep, he would spend hours on his laptop researching different sexualities and reading other people’s accounts and experiences. It was enlightening and made him feel like he wasn’t so alone. After weeks of debate, Eddie settled on a term. Demisexual. Eddie had only ever been in love with two people, and both of them were his best friends. It accounted for his general disinterest in sex and the way dating felt like a social performance. He seemed to prefer men to women, though considering he only wanted Buck, any further scrutiny didn’t seem all that important.
The words of Father Brian kept coming back to Eddie. He had told him he was worthy of joy. At the time, Eddie didn’t think so. As his relationship with Christopher healed, he started to think otherwise. He thought he understood what Father Brian meant. That he was allowed to let loose and have fun. The Risky Business dance. That was the other moment he had been close to understanding his feelings for Buck. After he shaved (the closest thing to a beard he was allowed to have. His subconscious was not subtle) he felt free in a way he hadn’t since Christopher left. He used to love dancing. It was yet another thing his parents had ruined for him. But not anymore. He was ready to reclaim that joy in his life. To drink the juice. When a knock sounded at the door, there was no one else it could be but Buck. Eddie had no shame in opening up in tidy-whiteys. He had nothing to hide. While it was clear something was bothering Buck, Eddie was all right in waiting for him to open up. They had all the time in the world.
Looking back, that night might have been a missed opportunity. Buck and Tommy just happened to break up the exact same night that Eddie was told to embrace joy, by a priest no less. It was like the universe was giving him permission to be happy (if Eddie believed in such things). But it was still a great night. Eventually Buck was ready to talk, and Eddie was there waiting with shots and encouragement. Screw Tommy. Buck could do so much better. Eddie’s opinion of Tommy drastically dropped as soon as he started dating his best friend. At the time, he was too clueless to ask himself why that was. In retrospect, it made a lot more sense. At least he finally got there.
When they were in New Mexico, all those officers treated Eddie like a spouse. Not only making him the primary suspect, but also in the way they spoke about his relationship with Buck. He didn’t refute it. Why would he? For all intents and purposes they were right. At first, Eddie was sure Harley had taken Buck. His big mouth had finally gotten them into trouble. He wasn’t even out and was already the victim of a hate crime. Turned out to just be an insane grieving mother.... Eddie would have killed Bonnie if he had to. He had always known he was willing to kill for Buck, but he got a lot closer that day than he would ever care to admit. Buck was his other guy, and he would do anything to protect him. They’d almost lost each other. Never again. He was finally ready to confess.
“Ed-Eddie I don't understand. You're straight and a renter...."
“Freddy Fakeman. I was in so much pain. I was SO angry. I lashed out at you in ways I'll never forgive myself for. And instead of dishing it back, you ripped out your bleeding heart and left it at my feet. You are so selfless Buck. So unbelievably good. I have been scared my entire life. Scared of not being a good son. A good catholic. A good husband. A good father. God knows I've had my failures.… I am so sick of being scared Buck. I am so tired…. But I am never scared when I'm with you. You make everything more manageable. You treat me like I'm worthy just the way I am, and I love you for it…..” Eddie's voice cracks with the confession. Finally exposing his heart just like Buck did all those months ago.
“Why didn't you tell me?” Buck chokes out with a shuddering breath. He wraps his arms around his waist like a shield. Afraid to accept what Eddie is offering, lest it gets taken away.
“Because I knew you'd come with me to Texas. I screwed up. I hurt Chris. “ Don't drag him down with you Eddie…. “I wasn't going to ruin you too. I didn't deserve what you were giving me. I couldn't ask for more. And I…. I couldn't tell you and just walk away. I couldn't bear it…” Eddie's voice trails off into a whisper, and Buck suddenly realizes he's crying. It's enough to break Buck out of his protective stance.
“Oh Eddie…” Buck wraps himself up around his best friend, holding him more tightly than he has since Eddie left for Texas. Eddie slumps in his hold and finally allows himself this comfort. It gives him the courage to keep going.
“And then we lost Bobby…. And I was so angry. Angry at myself for not being there. For him . For you…That call I got in the middle of the night…” Buck stiffens at the mention of it. Another intense scene from this kitchen plays in the background of his mind, but he doesn't let go of Eddie. “It was Maddie. When I answered, she was sobbing. My heart sank. And in that moment, I thought it was you…. My whole world shrank. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't… even fathom a world without you in it. When she finally choked out ‘Bobby’, I was relieved for one agonizing moment. I HATE myself for that. He was a better man than I could ever be, and I was relieved he was gone instead of you….” By now Eddie is sobbing into Buck's chest; clinging so tightly to Buck's shirt that his hands are shaking. Those flood gates are finally open and they aren't closing.
“I was too ashamed to show my face until the funeral… even though you needed me. Knowing Tommy took you home after the lab just made it worse. It should have been me. I hid behind Chris as an excuse not to be there for you. Again.” Eddie's voice is shaky, his breathing shallow. Buck rubs circles on his back and tries to even out his own breathing to encourage Eddie to do the same.
“When Athena gave me Bobby's rosary beads after the funeral, I thought I had found my purpose. I would lead by his example. Be a man of God and be there for you all. Redeem myself. I tried. I went back to Church. But then Abuela and Abigail happened…..I was so cruel to you when you were just trying to feel close to your dad. I'm so sorry Buck.” Eddie trails off again. This might be the first time someone has ever plainly called Bobby his Father in Buck's presence. That validation means more to him than he can even begin to articulate. Buck's tears have long since started to stain Eddie's shoulder.
After some time their breath begins to even out, and they gently peel apart. Buck has rarely seen Eddie so vulnerable, if ever. He takes him by the elbow and leads him to that blue couch, where so many things have happened. Eddie isn't ready to meet Buck's eyes but takes the hand he offers him in comfort. They sit in silence for a while, before Buck breaks it.
“What's changed? Why are you telling me now?” He shifts his weight slightly on the cushions waiting for Eddie's answer.
“It was Abuela… before she died, I had gone to church with her. She was so excited. When we were talking about my struggles with faith, she told me if I was looking for God's love in church, I was looking in the wrong place. She pressed her hand to my heart, and in that moment, I felt her love for me so deeply… it was the last time I saw her before she died.
I've never admitted this to anyone… but I wasn't alone in that elevator.” Buck looks over sharply at Eddie. He has never volunteered any conversation about his latest near-death experience. Buck knows Eddie well enough not to interject, squeezing his hand encouragingly.
“When I was bleeding out, I was looking up at the security lights. Thinking about how I might never see Christopher again. How I might never get to tell you… and there she was…She told me I knew the right place to look for love. That it was there if I was just brave enough to take it. That God loved me just the way I am, and that she would always be with me. To give her love to Evancito… Rationally, I thought I was going to die. Blood loss was getting to me. But her voice was so comforting. I promised her that if I got out, I wouldn't waste my chance. I would accept joy. I think deep down I needed her blessing. I passed out soon after… And when I woke up, I saw you.”
“That's beautiful, Eddie. Thank you for sharing that with me. I miss her…” Eddie allows Buck to wrap his arm around his shoulder, and slumps into his side. He's starting to calm down. “When we were in New Mexico, and I was weaving in and out of consciousness... I thought I might see Bobby. I didn’t. But I know him Eddie. He wouldn’t want you to carry that burden. He loves you. I have a lot of regrets about the lab.... But you not being there, isn’t one of them. I was so glad you were in Texas, because in that moment I knew you were safe. Bobby always put everyone else before himself. Just look at what he did for Chimney... He wouldn’t have wanted it to be anyone else....I’m sorry I wasn’t the one who called you. It should have been me. I lost my voice after the lab, from all the screaming... If Athena hadn’t helped me up, I don’t know how I would have ever gotten out. I don't even remember getting home. And selfishly, I liked that you were safe in Texas. That for however long, you were separated from that pain. If I told you, then it would make it real. And I’d drag you down with me...” That sounded familiar. Eddie sniffled quietly beside Buck.
“It's been a long time for me too. I think the shooting had a lot to do with it. When I realized I'd rather die than lose you, that said a lot about our relationship. When you entrusted me with Christopher… no one had ever chosen me like that before. Believed in me, even when I didn't believe in myself. Especially then. But I didn't really understand what that meant until you started hanging out with Tommy.
Whenever I saw you two together, something painful twisted in my gut. Come to think of it, it's a lot like how I felt when you first showed up at the 118.” Eddie scoffs, and Buck lets himself have a small smile. “I told myself I was just jealous that you had a new friend. I was being petty again. Too much…. But subconsciously, I think I had decided if I couldn't have you, then he couldn't either. And if we were together, then I could be a buffer in your friendship… he figured it out. Apparently. Like he has any room to talk. I’ve seen the way he looks at you...
There was no competition. You won a long time ago. Since you agreed to have my back…”
Eddie finally looks up into Buck's eyes. They are red and swollen from tears. Eddie's face is blotchy and his hair is matted. He has never looked more beautiful. His big doe eyes shine, much like they did for Freddy Fakeman.
“You are the other guy,” Eddie whispers. “I know.” Buck finally leans forward and closes the distance between them. It's gentle and careful. An exploration of lips and breath. Eddie whimpers as Buck slowly pulls back. Eddie has been so brave. It's time for Buck to do the same.
“I love you Eddie. More than you could ever know.” This time Eddie closes the distance between them. Letting every unspoken moment between them bleed into the present. He has never felt more free than he does at this moment. It's better than dancing. Gradually Buck reclines on the couch, pulling Eddie down with him. When they come up for air, Eddie tucks his head to Buck’s chest to listen to his heartbeat. There will be time for more heated things later; for now they are content to just be together.
“I feel like I should send Tommy a thank you card...” Buck chuckles, bouncing Eddie slightly on his chest. Eddie elbows him in retaliation. “If Kinard every shows his face around here again, I’ll kick his ass. He never once beat me in Muay Thai...” Eddie grumbles.
“Oh I’m sure baby,” Buck leans down and kisses Eddie’s hair, who preens under the affection.
“I’m demi. I came out to Chris before we came back from Texas. Part of the agreement was that I wouldn’t keep things from him anymore. He’s the only other person I am out to, though I am sure Hen knows by now. She knows everything...” Eddie yawns softly. The last hour has been an emotional rollercoaster and he is exhausted.
“I am so proud of you Eds. That makes perfect sense for you.” Buck places another kiss on Eddie’s crown, who snuggles in deeper. “Why don’t you take a nap baby? I’ll be here when you wake up.”
“You promise?” Eddie mutters, already half asleep.
“I promise. I love you Eddie,” Buck can already hear soft snuffles coming from his chest. Buck smiles to himself. This is truly one of the best days of his life. This changes everything between them. It is everything Buck never allowed himself to want. While he’s so excited, he’s also incredibly nervous. But whatever happens, Buck knows they’ll face it together. Just like they always do. With that thought to comfort him, Buck cuddles Eddie closer and allows himself to drift off to sleep.