Chapter Text
If you're lucky you'll be surrounded by the ones that you love when
The lights in your eyes fade and life flashes by
One day you're going to die
“Memento Mori: the most important thing in the world” By Will Wood
August 15th
Leo really wished that that day would be sooner rather than later.
He laid upside down on the couch, watching the mind-numbing show Splinter loved so much. He couldn't understand why he loved it.
Couldn't understand why he seemed to love it more than his own sons. Choosing to watch a useless, pointless, worthless stupid show over spending time with his own children.
Leo sighed, relaxing more into the couch and ignoring the cold feeling in his fingertips from all the blood running down towards his head.
If only he was actually bleeding out. Actually about to die and then he'd be done and–
“Blue, if you're going to keep making noise, you might be better suited to doing something else,” Splinter said, not taking his eyes off the screen.
Leo felt boiling anger rush through him, but kept his voice calm and amused.
“True,” Leo said, with a good natured chuckle. He sat up, swaying from the dizzy feeling and walking out of the living room, “See ya, Dad.”
Splinter didn't answer, already invested in the show again. Leo grit his teeth, walking towards the subway carts that were now their rooms.
He hated it. Hated that they had to move. Everyone had been so worried about how Donnie was taking it, but no one seemed to notice how different Leo had been acting.
He'd had the least stuff to salvage. His room being the most destroyed when they'd made it back to the old lair. Their home.
In fact, Leo had only managed to salvage a few things; a box of gifts that Donnie had made him when they were little, a mug Mikey had painted for him, and a stuffed bear Raph had gotten him when he was young.
The rest of his designated storage box was filled with stuff Mikey was upset to leave behind, despite Leo's room still having more he could've grabbed.
His family was more important than him.
And it wasn't like he'd need it soon–
Leo shook his head and walked towards his new room and went in. No one had been in it since they'd gotten there. He didn't want them to see it.
It had almost nothing. Sure, it had a bed, dresser, nightstand, and mirror but not much of anything else. No posters like he'd had before, no action figures, no signs of it being Leo's space.
The only things he had aside from furniture, clothing, or bedding were the three things he'd saved. All lined up on top of his dresser.
Leo sighed, laying facedown on his bed and not moving.
Moving was just too difficult these days. Too exhausting.
Everything was so tiring.
It'd be nice to shut his eyes.
A n d
N e v e r
W a k e
U p
A g a i n
A quiet knock threw Leo from his thoughts.
“Hey Leo, dinner’s ready,” Mikey said through the door.
“‘kay,” Leo called back, laying on his side and turning to face the mirror.
His reflection wasn't him anymore. Hadn't been in a while now. Not since the shock collar.
It looked like him, sure. But not the cracks stemming out from his heart and the all black eyes.
“Face it, Leo. You could use to skip a meal or two,” His reflection said cruelly, “In fact, if you weren't so fat and useless, Gram-Gram would still be alive.”
An instant stab through his heart, stomping the already broken pieces further into the dirt.
His Gram-Gram. The family he didn't know he had but loved so much.
Watching her lie on the ground, the life bleeding out of her.
Raph holding him back.
Her final words, “Anata wa hitori janai.”
Ironic considering she left them alone.
Raph should have let me die with her.
Another knock.
“Leo?”
Leo glanced at the alarm clock on his nightstand, wow. Had it really been ten minutes since Mikey called?
“Sorry- got distracted!” Leo called with a slight laugh, getting up and leaving the room, being careful to not let Mikey look in.
“It's okay, I do that too,” Mikey said, turning and walking towards the kitchen.
And that wasn't the way things were supposed to go. Ordinarily, Mikey would make a joke. Or they'd start talking.
But nothing was going the way it was supposed to.
Nothing.
Not since. . .
“Wassup, fam,” Leo greeted, walking into the kitchen and shooting his brothers finger guns.
No one reacted.
He forced himself to keep his calm and slightly cocky expression, sitting down in his usual spot beside Donnie. Everyone was eating and talking.
“-and it went so well!” Raph was saying, talking animatedly about one of his solo missions, “Raph thinks he's doing great!”
“Sure sounds like it,” Leo said earnestly with a smile, and Raph frowned.
“Alright, Leo.” Raph said, rolling his eyes slightly.
“What!?”
“You don't have to be sarcastic just ‘cause you're mad,” Raph said, angrily stabbing at the food on his plate with more force than necessary.
“Wha-? I wasn't being sarcastic! I meant it! It sounds like you're doing great!” Leo exclaimed, stunned and hurt. Because why would Raph think Leo would insult something he loved doing! His brothers did it to him all the time, no way did he want someone to feel the same thing.
“Sure,” Raph said, glaring slightly and not looking up from his plate.
Tension bled into the room, awkwardness and anger mixing and making the entire dining atmosphere uncomfortable.
“I'll just leave then,” Leo said, shoving back from the table and heading towards his room.
No one said anything.
No objections.
Nothing.
And no one noticed that he hadn't eaten anything.
. . . . .
Leo jolted awake, gasping and heaving for breath. Tears pooled in his eyes and he frantically shook his head to try and clear the memory of the Shredder nearly killing his family.
He got up shakily, leaving his room and heading towards Donnie's lab. The door was shut, and he stood outside it.
“Hey, Dee?” Leo whispered quietly, “You in there?”
Nothing happened, so Leo swallowed down his disappointment and headed towards the kitchen.
The clock on the stove read 1:56AM, so Leo made himself a cup of tea and a second for Donnie, waiting.
The two always seemed to meet in the kitchen at two in the morning together. Leo liked to joke that it was two because they were twins.
When one didn't show up, the other checked to see if they were asleep. That was the one exception, they always showed up no matter what.
Two rolled around and nothing happened for over half an hour. Leo got up and went to Donnie's room, he wasn't in there. He checked the lab, finding out the door had been unlocked, he wasn't in there.
Finally, he found Donnie, Mikey, and Raph all in Raph's room. Asleep in a sprawled out Turtle pile.
Without him.
That was one thing they always did together. Making sure that no one was left out no matter what.
Yet here Leo stood, looking in, stunned and hurt. His heart throbbed in pain.
He looked up, catching his reflection in Raph's mirror, for once his own. His eyes were dull, the spark and light in them gone. Faded away.
“You know what to do.” His reflection whispered.
And Leo nodded.
He took his phone out, scrolling through the calendar as he walked back to his room.
It was August 15th, he scrolled to September 15th. A month. A month to plan and get everything sorted out and planned and given away.
He slowly typed the word, each letter feeling like a death sentence.
Do you want to save your reminder for September 15th?
‘Suicide’
Yes No
Leo pressed yes.
August 16th
Leo sighed, staring up at the ceiling of his train car and huffing. He had only managed to get around two hours of sleep.
Outside, he heard the telltale sounds of his brothers waking up, so he rolled onto his side and made himself sit up.
He glanced at his phone, the feelings from last night surreal.
Because it felt different. It felt good. Like he was finally getting what he deserved.
Finally going to be f r e e
Leo got up and stretched, sighing in relief as several joints popped. He grabbed his blue belt, sliding it on over his plastron and sliding the pouches into place. He pulled his gloves on and did the wrappings for his feet.
He walked out of his room, absentmindedly scrolling through his phone. He was so distracted that he crashed hard into someone.
“Oof-! Oh, sorry,” Leo apologized quickly, backing away from Raph as he turned around. Good thing his spikes didn't poke me.
Bad thing. It would have hurt you. Which you deserve.
“It's fine,” Raph said, looking down at Leo, confused.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Raph said, turning and walking towards the kitchen.
Leo waited a moment, then followed. He sat at the table like Raph did, although he didn't look up from his phone.
After a bit, Donnie joined.
“Hey, Dee? Where's your mug at?” Mikey asked, holding a coffee pot and looking confused.
“Isn't it in its normal spot?” Donnie asked, looking confused.
Leo felt heat spread across his face when he could see the exact moment they found it. Still sitting on the counter with tea in it.
“Oh shell- Leo, I forgot!” Donnie apologized, guilt written all over his face.
“It's all good, Dee,” Leo said quickly, giving him a small smile and holding a hand up as if waving it off.
“It's my fault,” Mikey said, both him and Raph were well aware of the twin's traditions, “I asked him if he could pile with me and Raph!”
And then a guilty look passed all three of them as they realized Leo hadn't been invited.
“Leo. . .” Raph said slowly, looking guilty and disappointed with himself.
“It's okay, guys,” Leo reassured, “Really! You were tired and fell asleep, it's all good hermanos.”
“But-”
“Oh my gosh,” Leo groaned, leaning his head back, “It's okay! I was probably asleep whenever y'all were doing that anyway, so even if you went to get me, I wouldn't’ve been able to!”
That seemed to finally convince them, because they seemed to calm down a bit and move on to other things. They talked about stuff Leo had no clue they'd been doing.
Donnie had been adding security features to the lair, things like drones and weapons and had rebuilt Shelldon. Mikey had started making graffiti art on the surface and pasting stickers around the city. Raph was going topside on solo practice missions and tracking down members of the foot.
And Leo felt overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by how much they didn't do with him. How much they didn't talk to him.
He could just get up and leave and they wouldn't even notice. . .
Speaking of. . .
Leo slunk out of the room, as if testing his theory.
No one noticed he'd left.
I wonder if they'd notice if I was dead.
. . . .
Leo stood, staring down at the blood as it splattered onto the white porcelain of the bathroom sink. He didn't move.
It was hypnotic. The stark contrast of the rich crimson against the bright white.
He
Wanted
To
Bleed
M̶̢̢̘͍̻̤̱̪̯̮͎̮̭̋̇́͛̊̊̀̂̑̔̕͝ͅ ̶̬͙̝͖̜̖̀͑͋͒̅̊͘ͅo̷͙̦̭͇͋̽̓̓̒̀̓͛̇͝ ̴̻̎̅̀͌ŕ̷̟̞̜͖͙̺̖̞̰̼̒̒̇̈́͗̄̾͝ͅ ̸̢̙̫͈̬̠̈́͋͆̐͐̒̀̿͘ͅͅĕ̵̡̙̮̣̬̦̺͎̪͂̅̎̒̌̋̂̿̀̽͗͐̕͜
It had been a complete accident, he was on the skate ramp practicing tricks when he'd slipped and skidded his hand against the wood, making blood burst out of his cut hand.
“Oh no!” Mikey exclaimed, hurrying over to him, “Are you okay?”
“I'm all good,” Leo said quickly with a shaky smile, “I better go clean this and see if it needs stitches.”
“Want me to help?” Mikey offered, looking concerned.
“Nah, I'm alright. Doesn't look too bad,” Leo said, waving him off with a good natured grin, “Better go before I bleed everywhere.”
“I'll clean up the blood here,” Mikey said helpfully, Leo thanked him and headed to the bathroom.
Now he stood, staring at the blood sluggishly leaking out of his hand. It continued to fall on the sink.
Hurt yourself more.
You deserve it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
DO IT.
DO IT.
DO IT!
DO IT!
Ḍ̶̽O̸͕͗ ̴̢͕̕Í̵͔̫T̵̟̓͋!̷͎͇͒͋
Leo jumped, snapping from his thoughts as a knock on the door rang out.
“I cleaned up the blood, is your hand okay?” Mikey called from the other side.
“Yeah- just bleeding a lot,” Leo reassured, quickly turning on the sink and cleaning the wound. It was a large gash, and it possibly could have used some stitches.
But Leo chose not to, instead he wrapped it up with some bandages, making sure to put a pad of gauze over it first so it wouldn't bleed through the bandages.
No need to make the others worry.
No need to make them worry over something like you.
He opened the door, revealing his bandaged hand to Mikey, “Ta da~!”
“Oh good, it didn't need stitches,” Mikey said with a sigh of relief.
It fell silent for a moment, the two just standing there awkwardly before Mikey spoke up.
“Listen, Leon, I know I haven't been the best brother lately,” Mikey said, guilt lacing each word, “But do you wanna go with me to Run of the Mill? Hueso says I can decorate the chalk wall and I wanna spend time with you.”
Leo felt his heart burst and he beamed, “Sure.”
From the guilty look on Mikey's face, he guessed he wasn't supposed to be that excited.
Just another thing you messed up.
. . . . . .
“Where are you guys heading?” Raph asked as Leo and Mikey walked into the living room.
“We're going to Run of the Mill,” Mikey said with a smile.
“Oh okay, want Raph to join ya?” Raph offered, a look in his eyes that made Leo feel insecure. It felt like he was offering Mikey an out- a way to avoid going with Leo alone.
“Nah, it's just us two,” Mikey said, waving away Raph's offer, “Now open that portal, Leon!”
“You got it,” Leo said, pasting on a bright grin, he slashed open a portal and the two went through, stepping into Run of the Mill.
“Ah there you are,” Hueso said, looking up as the two stepped through the portal.
“Hey Señor,” Mikey greeted, smiling, “Where's the chalk at?”
“Right beside the wall in a basket,” Hueso said, pointing, Mikey immediately bounded over to it and began drawing.
“Pepino,” Hueso said, frowning.
“What's up, BM?” Leo asked with a smirk, but the strange (concerned) expression on Hueso's face didn't fade.
“You look gaunt,”
“Wha-?”
“Have you been eating?” Hueso asked, cupping Leo's face in his hands and turning it side to side, looking him over.
“What makes you think I haven't been?” Leo asked, slightly muffled as his face was squished.
Hueso leveled him with a flat, unimpressed look.
“I have been,” Leo reassured as Hueso let him go, “I just haven't today, been busy. Y'know?”
The look Hueso gave him told him how much he believed Leo's story. Not at all.
“Have a seat, Pepino, you and your brother's usual will be out shortly,” Hueso ordered, pointing to a seat near the chalk wall.
“But-”
“Sit,” Hueso ordered as he went back to the kitchen.
“I'm not a dog, y'know,” Leo called back, but he couldn't completely hide the smile on his face.
“What was that about?” Mikey asked when Leo had sat down.
“Bone Man's just worrying over nothing,” Leo said, huffing, “He pretends he hates me and then gets worried over nothing!”
Mikey giggled, “He cares, he just doesn't wanna admit it!”
“I know!” Leo said with a laugh, watching as Mikey decorated the chalk wall. It was impressive and frankly beautiful art of swirling colors and patterns he managed to incorporate around the drawings of pizza.
“Never thought you'd make me wanna eat a chalk drawing,” Leo joked with a grin, making Mikey laugh.
“Yeah, yeah,” He said, turning to Leo with a smile.
Hueso came out, bringing the two their pizza and Mikey immediately beamed, “Sweet!”
He sat down and the two ate and talked. And Leo felt something warm in his chest. A strange feeling he hadn't had in a while.
Happiness.
And wasn't that pathetic?
He didn't deserve to be around his brothers.
“-onna finish it up and then we can head back,” Mikey said, standing and grabbing the chalk again.
“‘Kay, no problem,” Leo said, watching his little brother go back to decorating the wall.
He spent a few more minutes on it before eventually finishing, stepping back to admire his work.
Leo whistled, “Wow. Stand by it and I can take a picture.”
“Okay!” Mikey beamed, bounding over and posing next to the wall, holding up his chalk-covered hands.
“Say arts and crafts!” Leo said, snapping a few pictures once Mikey said it.
Mikey ran over to look at the picture, grinning as he took in the sight.
“Thanks, Leo,” Mikey said as Leo sent the pictures to him.
“No prob’,” Leo said with a shrug, slashing open a portal home, he bowed beside it, “After you.”
“Why thank you, good sir,” Mikey said with a grin, fake curtsying and walking into the portal. Leo followed after him, stepping into the living room of the lair.
“How was it?” Raph asked, noticing the two and looking up from his phone.
“It was fun,” Mikey smiled, “We should do this more often.”
Leo was completely taken aback, “Oh! Yeah- it was fun, we should.” He stammered, caught off guard.
Raph looked confused for a second, before smiling, eyes softening, “That's good, maybe we can all go there together soon.”
“Yeah, that'd be fun,” Leo said with a smile. This was the most he and Raph had talked since the move. Which had been months ago.
“Send me those pictures, Leon,” Mikey ordered, “I wanna print them!”
“Alright,” Leo said with a grin, sending Mikey the pictures.
He ignored how there hadn't been a single message sent between them in months.
. . . . . .
Leo sighed, laying upside down on his bed and staring up at his blank ceiling.
His old room had glow in the dark stars and LED string lights. Courtesy of Mikey and Donnie. Raph had given him a mountain of stuffed animals that had stayed on his bed.
Yet now they'd done nothing for his room. They had for each other but not for him.
It was such a simple and small thing.
S̷o̶ ̴w̸h̸y̷ ̷d̸i̸d̸ ̸i̷t̸ ̶h̸u̸r̷t̷ ̷s̴o̴ ̵b̸a̴d̶l̸y̴?̶
A quiet knock made Leo almost slip off the bed, he quickly sat upright and opened the door, making sure to block the view of his room with his body.
“Oh, hey Dee,” Leo greeted, surprised, “Uh, what's up?”
“It's approximately two twenty seven in the morning,” Donnie stated matter-of-factly, “And you're awake.”
“. . .yeah?” Leo said slowly, not getting it.
“You're really going to make me say it?” Donnie asked, grimacing.
“Say what?” Leo asked, genuinely confused.
“You're not in the kitchen,” Donnie said, looking embarrassed.
“Oh!” Leo said, jolting slightly, “Sorry, I didn't even realize-”
Donnie shoved a mug against his chest and began walking towards his lab, turning around to look at him, “You coming?”
“Yeah,” Leo said, stunned and following after him.
Because why would he want to be around Leo of all people?
He collapsed into his usual chair in the lab, neither ended up sleeping but stayed up talking. Like before.
Things seemed to be looking up.
August 17th
“Alright guys,” Leo said awkwardly, “Dee said there's an alert to Meat Sweats being active out here.”
“Why here?” Mikey asked, confused.
“See all those restaurants?” Leo said, pointing down at the buildings below, “He's probably stealing from them or sabotaging them.”
“How do you know that?” Raph questioned, eyes narrowed, “I say we just go look for him.”
“If we do that he could get away,” Leo said, gritting his teeth, “It's better to sneak up, take him down, and then go back and fix everything.”
“How do you know that'll work?”
“I don't,” Leo said patiently, “The same way you don't know facing him head on will-”
“Raph's going,” Raph announced, “I'm not gonna wait and let him destroy more stuff.”
“That's not what I'm doing!” Leo insisted, “It's gonna prevent him and we'll get all the stuff back without extra damage!”
“I'm going,” Raph stated, heading towards the edge of the rooftop, “Anyone who wants to stop him can come too.”
Mikey hesitated but followed after Raph, and Donnie did too with an apologetic look.
“Fine!” Leo snapped, “Have fun screwing up the city more.” He slashed open a portal and jumped in.
He appeared on top of the Nexus hotel and sat down on the edge with a sigh, staring down at the massive drop.
The drop he'd nearly died to.
The drop you should have died to.
Do it now.
Jump.
Do it.
Do it.
Do it.
Do It.
DO IT.
DO IT.
D̶O̷ ̷I̸T̷!
Ḑ̸̌Ó̴̥͝ ̷͚͉̕Ȉ̵̩T̵͓́!
Leo jolted, staggering back away from the edge and gasped.
Was I. . .?
No-! You idiot!
Leo huffed, standing in the center of the roof and not moving.
Dang it Leo! He scolded himself, You've got a date set. Stop being so brash! Can't even wait! No wonder Raph's mad at you!
He slashed open a portal and jumped into his room, no need to test fate.
They'd be happier if you had just jumped off then. Or better yet; if Raph hadn't caught you in the first place.
. . . . .
“We need to talk about what happened tonight.” Raph said, crossing his arms.
“What? That you completely ignored everything I said and did your own thing?” Leo shot back, putting down his comic and glaring up at Raph from the couch.
“We’re a team, Leo. And being on a team means listening to your teammates,” Raph said slowly, as if Leo was dumb.
“Exactly what I was thinking,” Leo said, “So, tell me, Raph. Why didn't you listen to your teammate?”
Raph opened his mouth, then shut it with a frown. And for a second, Leo thought he'd gotten through to him.
“You didn't listen to the rest of us,” Raph pointed out.
“Seriously?” Leo exclaimed, “Dude, you've been leader way longer than me- of course they were gonna listen to you! You should've trusted me!”
“I've been leader longer, I knew it wasn't-”
“Why doesn't anyone trust me!?” Leo said, standing up and throwing his arms out, “No matter what happens! I thought. . .I thought it'd be different after the Shredder. . .”
Raph fell silent, a guilty look on his face.
“I'm going to my room,” Leo said, getting up and heading towards it. He felt Raph grab his wrist.
“Look, Leo,” Raph said, guilt lacing each word, “You're right.”
“What?” Leo's jaw dropped.
“You're right,” Raph repeated, “Raph shoulda listened to ya. I'll do that next time, it's just. . .it's hard for me, y'know?”
“Yeah,” Leo said, because he really understood, “I know, big guy. It's alright.”
Raph pulled him into a hug, giving Leo a squeeze before setting him back down and giving him a smile.
“You're gonna be a good leader,”
“Thanks Raph,” Leo said sincerely with a smile, “That means a lot.”
Raph nodded with a smile, then headed off to the dojo to train more. Leo sighed once he left, looking down at his shaking hands.
Should've jumped.
August 18th
Tired. Just tired.
August 19th
“He’s not even phased!” Leo joked, dodging another hit from Ghost Bear and leaping away.
“Boo!” Mikey heckled from where he was fighting Ghost Bear, although Leo was a little amused at the unintentional pun.
“That one wasn't even that obvious!” Raph said, punching the wrestler in the face.
Yeesh. They either hate me jokes or they're not good enough? Which is it?
“It's times like this that make me regret not recreating the collar,” Donnie snarked, landing the finishing blow on Ghost Bear, who ran away quickly.
Leo had frozen, eyes huge and filled with hurt. Mikey looked over at him worriedly, neither Raph nor Donnie noticing his expression.
“Leo?” Mikey asked softly, putting a hand on his arm, “Are you-?”
“I'm alright, Mikester!” Leo said quickly, with a huge beaming smile, “Just a bit shocked, is all!”
“Another reason for the data of why I should!”
“Can it, Donnie!” Mikey snapped, surprising everyone.
“Okay. . .” Donnie said awkwardly, sharing a look with Raph.
“How ‘bout we go get some pizza?” Raph suggested awkwardly, obviously trying to keep everyone calm, “Run of The Mill?”
“. . .fine,” Mikey said, also obviously trying to keep calm.
“I can portal us,” Leo said, awkwardly opening a portal and watching his brothers go through, he went in after and the four awkwardly stood in the restaurant.
It was the first time all four of them were there together in months.
“Uhhh, let's go to our usual spot,” Leo suggested awkwardly, heading over towards their usual booth. They all sat down, and man, the tension could be cut with a knife. It was so unbelievably awkward.
Mikey kept giving him worried looks, Raph looked like he was debating getting up and leaving, and Donnie was just switching between the weather app, calculator app, and just swiping down the bottom of his phone screen.
“Soooo,” Leo said awkwardly, “Uh, what’ve you guys been up to?”
Mikey, being the loving and kind brother he was, immediately spoke up, “I've been trying out more chalk art.”
“Oh yeah, like the other day,” Leo said, pointing at the chalk wall with a grin, “Look, it's still up! Aw look in the corner!”
Mikey beamed, “Awww! A kid drew a dinosaur and a turtle!”
“You're inspiring young minds across the hidden city,” Leo said, reaching across the table to lightly punch Mikey in the shoulder, who laughed.
“Raph's been doing hero work,” Raph said, giving Leo a look that just screamed; I will hit you if you insult me (again)
Except that Leo hadn't insulted him in the first place. He had been being genuine!
“How's it been going?” Leo asked, going for a safer route than a compliment. And wasn't that messed up?
“Good,” Raph said, giving Leo a quizzical look, as if surprised he cared enough to ask, “There's a lot of muggings and smaller villains.”
“Oh really?” Leo said, surprised, “I always forget that it's not just our villains out there.”
Raph laughed, “Of course there's more!”
Wow. Having to act stupid so they don't get upset with you. Isn't that nice?
They don't care. You're just a thorn in their side. Worthless.
“Hello Pepino,”
“Eyyyy BM!” Leo greeted with his brightest grin, pointing finger guns at Hueso.
“It's nice to see all four of you here together again,” Hueso commented, “What would you like?”
“Imma get the Hawaiian like usual,” Leo shrugged, grinning as Donnie shuddered in disgust.
The rest of his brothers ordered while Leo idly scrolled through his phone a bit.
The last messages he received were from before the Shredder fight. . .
He quickly shut his phone off, putting it in his pouch and listened as Mikey told a funny story about how he'd accidentally eaten spray paint.
“Man, that sounds paintful,” Leo joked with a grin, only to immediately shut his mouth right afterwards.
“It’s times like this that make me regret not remaking the shock collar.”
Mikey grinned, although it was a bit awkward after everything said earlier, “It was nasty! Zero outta ten, would not recommend.”
Mikey, Donnie, and Raph talked about things they were doing, the conversation flowed so easily between them Leo didn't have to say anything. Didn't have time to say anything..
See? They're already much better off without you.
Leo couldn't find it in himself to disagree.
Because you're worthless. Pathetic. Weak. You'd be better off-
Click!
Hueso set down several pans of pizza at the table, “Enjoy, and try not to break anything.”
Hueso frowned as he watched three of the four immediately dig in. Leo however, merely picked at a slice. It was Hawaiian; his favorite.
He put his hand on Leo's forehead, startling the slider.
“Uh-? Whatcha doing, boneman?” Leo asked awkwardly as Huseo removed his hand, his brothers were looking at the two in confusion, but Hueso wasn't even paying attention to them.
“Are you sick, Pepino?” Hueso asked, “I can not feel if you have a temperature or not.”
“Well duh,” Leo snarked with a smirk that didn't quite reach his eyes, “No skin to feel with! I'm alright, BM. Just not that hungry.”
Hueso frowned, “Then I will pack extra for you to eat when you get home.”
“Wha-? No!” Leo exclaimed, but Hueso had already headed towards another table.
“You alright, Leo?” Mikey asked, face scrunched in concern.
“I'm alright,” Leo reassured quickly, smiling, “Just not all that hungry right now.”
Mikey shot a worried look at Donnie, who shrugged.
The rest of dinner was awkward, although Leo was touched by the fact that Hueso had made him a to-go box and seemed worried about him.
Wasted actions.
. . . . .
“Are you sure you're okay, Leo?” Mikey asked worriedly once they'd gotten home.
“I'm sure,” Leo reassured with a smile, “Just a bit tired.”
Mikey frowned, looking at Leo worriedly, “What's really going on Leo?”
Leo's heart froze, and he quickly came up with an excuse, “Well. . .it's what happened earlier with Dee. I don't like remembering that, y'know?”
Mikey looked sympathetic, “Of course you don't, it was messed up! I'm sure Donnie was just making a joke, a bad one. But he won't actually make another shock collar.”
“I know,” Leo said with a small, reassuring smile, “I just don't like to think about it, y'know?”
“Yeah,” Mikey said sympathetically, “Why don't you talk to him about it?”
Eugh. Not happening.
Because he's right.
You do need it.
Because you never shut up-
“I dunno about that,” Leo said with as reassuring of a smile as he could, “Donnie isn't one for ‘emotional talks.’”
Mikey frowned, “But-”
“And I'm sure he won't bring it up again,” Leo reassured, “You saw him earlier- he knows not to now!”
“I guess,” Mikey agreed reluctantly, “But if he does, will you talk to him?”
“Of course,” Leo smiled.
Liar.
Liar.
Liar.
Always a liar.
“Okay,” Mikey smiled, hugging Leo suddenly.
Leo stiffened, surprised at the sudden contact, but immediately wrapped his arms back around his little brother once he'd gotten over the shock.
When was the last time I've hugged any of them?
When was the last time they wanted to hug you?
He's not doing this out of love.
It's out of pity..
“I'll talk to him,” Mikey promised, pulling out of the hug to give Leo a smile, “It's probably another one of those bad at emotions things,”
“Yeah,” Leo said with a small nod and pasted on a smile, “Robot Donnie,”
Mikey giggled, giving Leo a small wave as he walked towards Donnie's lab. Leo let out a small breath, exhaustion weighing his whole body down.
He slowly walked to his room, went in and locked the door behind him and slid to the floor, shell resting against the door.
He was surprised when he felt something wet streaming down his face, gingerly reaching up and touching it. Tears.
Everything hitting all at once.
Donnie’s comments, Mikey's hug and care. It all hurt. It all hurt so bad.
“You deserve it.” The treacherous voice whispered.
. . . I know.
