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‘’Wait, you’re saying that I shouldn’t let him do anything? To just lock him up in his room until he’s old enough to be on his own?’’ Buck says furiously standing in front of Eddie in his living room where they’ve been arguing for the past half an hour.
Eddie takes a deep breath; they’ve been spinning in circles since this morning and especially after they came back from the hospital. Buck has been on edge for quite some time now and Eddie needed him to stop it.
He needed Buck to stop, look around and realize that he’s not alone in raising Theo.
He has an entire village.
And most importantly, he has Eddie.
‘’No Buck, that’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying that you as a parent can and need to set some boundaries in order for either of you to not get hurt, or worse. That’s not restricting him in anything, it’s support.
‘’You’re not abandoning him, you’re creating safe space for him,’’ he pleads.
He really needs Buck to see that the 118 – and Eddie – are not his enemies in settling boundaries while raising Theo.
Buck spins on the soles of his feet and sighs annoyingly. ‘’Great. Listen, I know I’m not a father figure Eddie, we’ve already established that. I’ve never been. That’s why nobody ever…’’ He shakes his head trying to get rid of intrusive thoughts bubbling just underneath the surface. ‘’Not important, I get what you’re saying.’’
Eddie takes a step towards him, determined, his voice calm and collected. ‘’No Buck, I don’t think you do.’’
Buck rolls his eyes again and tries to get away from Eddie but he doesn’t let him. He circles around and stands right in front of him, not giving him an option to run away.
Not this time.
Ever since Theo came into their lives Eddie stood close, offering support but waiting for Buck to finally cross that bridge and ask for help himself. He didn’t want to intrude to this new dynamic so he let things slip away, waiting – hoping – that Buck would see that Eddie is right there in front of him.
Just like Buck was there for him back when they first met and Buck bullied himself into Eddie’s life by introducing him to Carla.
But enough was enough, Buck was suffering all alone. Well, he wasn’t alone – everybody offered to help – but it seemed to Eddie like Buck wanted to prove himself that he could do it, to raise Theo by himself. Or, worse – to prove that he never could do it in the first place.
And Eddie couldn’t wait for Buck to come to him.
He waited that entire excruciating day after Buck got discharged from the hospital after the lightning strike and Maddie made that ridiculous schedule for everyone to nag Buck and not leave him alone for a second. Eddie knew that Buck would feel overwhelmed and that he will come to him instead by the end of the day.
Which he did.
The fact that Eddie felt like crawling out of his skin that entire day because he wanted to be the only one next to Buck from that day forward, that was a conversation for another time.
Then it had to be Buck’s decision.
And Eddie thought that this time it needed to be too, but he was wrong. Buck was drowning, and Eddie needed to bully himself into Buck and Theo’s life the way Buck did all those years ago with him and Christopher.
It wasn’t like that Eddie wasn’t there helping out with Theo, no. Most of the time all four of them hanged out together, but he knew that he could do more – be more.
So, he needed to step up.
‘’There was a reason I put you as Christopher’s legal guardian all those years ago Buck.’’
Buck swallows loudly. ‘’Why are you bringing that up again?’’
‘’Because you don’t get it. You are a father figure because you already are a dad,’’ Eddie shakes his head in disbelief not realizing how Buck doesn’t get it.
Buck shakes his head, his eyes wet and there is a crack in his voice. ‘’I’m not. I’m just fostering…’’
‘’Not Theo. I mean, Theo too. But you were a father well before Theo came into picture Buck.’’
Buck frowns. ‘’What? Jee and Nash?’’
Eddie chuckles.
His dumb, dumb, dumb and beautiful best friend.
‘’Christopher Buck, I’m talking about Christopher.’’
Buck’s breath hitches when he sees tears in Eddie’s eyes. ‘’Eddie…’’
Eddie lifts a finger to shut him up. ‘’No, I need you to listen to me. I know that this whole thing with Theo was sudden and awful and quite frankly earth shattering but this isn’t something you didn’t deal before. And yes, Theo and Chris are completely opposite characters but they are your kids.’’
Buck is already shaking his head and avoiding Eddie’s eyes. ‘’Christopher isn’t…’’
‘’I dare you to finish that sentence Buckley. You’ve been Chris’s dad in one way or another for almost a decade. You saved him, time and time again – and not just by saving my ass when I didn’t know how to talk to him but you literally risked your life in a tsunami for him.
‘’But you did mundane things too – you helped with homework, science projects – made breakfast, lunch and dinners. You took care of him when he was sick, you were the person he ran to when I failed him. You’re his person Buck; you’re his dad too. Have been. He maybe never called you that but you are one, in every way that matters.’’
‘’Eddie…’’ Buck’s voice breaks.
Eddie shakes his head. ‘’No. I’m not letting you get out of this,’’ he takes a deep breath to steady himself. ‘’How many times has Christopher called you his uncle?’’
Buck gets startled by that question. ‘’Um, what?’’
Eddie lifts his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. ‘’How many times Buck?’’
‘’Um, none?’’ Buck answers with an answer, feeling like it’s a trick question.
‘’Exactly, none. And he calls Maddie his aunt. You’re his Buck, not uncle Buck, not dad’s best friend Buck. You’re Buck, his person and that’s enough. You are enough.
‘’You were enough well before Theo, and I understand that you’re overwhelmed, sleep deprived and way into you own head because you think that with every step you make you’ll mess the kid up, but Buck – just by thinking and caring whether or not you’re messing him up you’re already much better parent than half of the parenting population out there.
‘’And trust me, you will mess it up,’’ Eddie approaches Buck and gently holds his elbow as Buck lets out a small whine. ‘’I’m sorry but you will. I messed up dozens of times. You can’t be foolproof, no one can. But you can try and do the right thing.
‘’And you are. You are doing the right thing. You stepped in, you took Theo in. He’s lucky enough to have you and the childhood he deserves to have instead of bouncing through foster homes.
‘’But you can’t let him exist in a world where doing the things he thinks are fun are actually the things that will hurt either of you, or anybody else. Setting boundaries is a pat of learning process and growing up Buck. He won’t hate you for it. Not in the long run.’’
Buck drops his head as few tears fall to the ground. ‘’He already hates me,’’ he whispers.
‘’He doesn’t hate you. Why would he hate you?’’ Eddie frowns.
Buck lifts his head and locks eyes with Eddie.
‘’If it wasn’t for me Connor and Kameron might still be alive right now.’’
‘’What? Buck, if it weren’t for you Theo wouldn’t exist. And you don’t want that, right?’’
Buck shakes his head vigorously. ‘’No. Of course not. But Eddie, Theo… It’s not the same as with Christopher and…’’
‘’Why?’’ Eddie interrupts.
‘’What?’’
‘’What is different?’’
‘’Because Christopher had you, his actual dad,’’ Buck says defeated closing his eyes.
‘’Okay, and Theo has you – his actual dad. And he has me, like I have you,’’ Eddie simply says.
Buck sighs. ‘’But Eddie, it’s not the same.’’
‘’Why not? Come on, I want to understand. Explain it to me how it’s different when we’re doing the same thing? This whole thing between us has been messy and hard but Buck, we’ve always had each other’s backs and that won’t change. Not now, not ever.’’
Eddie is holding Buck by his shoulder now and trying to lock eyes with him but he’s evading him again.
‘’I don’t… I don’t know,’’ Buck finally says and sits on the couch burrowing his head into his hands, slightly shaking.
He barely slept last night because Theo wouldn’t go to sleep. When he finally managed to fall sleep he woke up just three hours later full of energy and destroyed the entire living room and somehow almost broke neighbour’s window with his soccer ball.
When Buck returned from dropping him off at the day care he quickly changed into his LAFD uniform for his afternoon shift and went to clean up the room when he slipped and fell over one of numerous toys lying around and hit his face – blooming bruise all over his nose and cheeks reminding him of the fact that he was incapable of taking care of a small human.
He almost cried on the floor when Eddie, who was still taking some time off after the stabbing incident, came over with a cup of coffee and found him lying there like a wounded animal.
He hauled him to the emergency room and all but yelled that the things need to change in that house if both Buck and Theo wanted to get out of it alive.
He didn't eat, he was hopped on caffeine and he really needed a nap.
So yes, he was shaking like a leaf on the couch and he needed to pick Theo up in a couple of hours.
Eddie kneels in front of him, placing both of his hands on Buck’s knees.
‘’Hey, hey. It’s okay,’’ he says gently. ‘’We’ll deal with it together, okay? We’re in it for the long game, right?’’
Buck sniffles as he finally lifts his head and looks at Eddie who is already nodding, rubbing soft circles into his kneecaps with his thumbs. Buck swallows a lump in his throat as Eddie pulls him in a tight hug.
‘’Go take a shower until I clean up a little bit here and order us some food, okay?’’
Buck nods.
‘’Then you’ll take a nap and I’ll take Theo for a few hours then pick up Christopher from his math tutor and we’ll have a sleepover here, how does that sound?’’
Buck leans back from the hug, tears soaking up his cheeks and Eddie desperately wants to hold his face and wipe them off with his thumbs but Buck is already wiping them off with the back of his sleeve.
‘’Eddie, Chris won’t be able to sleep. Theo barely fell asleep last night at two in the morning, and he has the school in the morning and he’s a teenager, he doesn’t need a toddler running around him bothering him.’’
‘’Hey, what did I just say?’’ Eddie locks their eyes again, Buck sniffles again.
‘’We’re doing this together,’’ Buck repeats just above a whisper.
‘’Exactly. Partners in crime. Always have each other’s backs,’’ he offers a small smile.
Buck smiles back, but it’s pained. ‘’Remember that when regret settles in later tonight.’’
Eddie is already shaking his head as his hand shifts from Buck’s shoulder to the side of his neck.
‘’I’ll never regret this. I could never regret you. Okay?’’
Eddie can feel how Buck stopped breathing for a second before he finally nodded and let out a small. ‘’Okay.’’
Eddie taps Buck’s thighs twice before he lifts from the ground and his knees crack making Buck giggle.
‘’Old man,’’ he mumbles blushing looking up at Eddie through his wet eyelashes.
God damn it Buckley, you’re killing me here.
‘’As I recall you’re one year older than me bud.’’
Buck chuckles. ‘’Show off.’’
Eddie muses Buck’s hair then turns and goes to the kitchen, throwing back over his shoulder. ‘’Shower, food, nap.’’
Buck smiles. ‘’Sir, yes sir!’’