Chapter Text
The envelope arrived on a Thursday in September. The paper was thick, expensive. The words were written in an elegant cursive and John had seen enough of invitations of the kind when he was younger to know that this required an actual calligraphic artist and not just a nice font. But then again, only the best for the wedding of a Senator’s daughter.
Senator of New York Philip Schuyler and his wife Catherine are very pleased to announce the wedding of their daughter Miss Elizabeth Schuyler with Mr. Alexander Hamilton
The words were simple, uncomplicated and yet John had a hard time processing them. Alexander Hamilton was getting married. John stared at the invite for a long time, wondering what on Earth he was supposed to do now. He sighed. Part of him wanted to ignore this like he had ignored the dull pain in his chest for the last eight years. Besides, it had been almost a year since he and Alex were in the same room together. Surely this was only courtesy and nobody would miss him when he wouldn’t attend the ceremony.
Except when he double-checked the envelope, he found another piece of paper. This was scrambled in Alexander’s unmistakable and messy handwriting.
John, it said, I know you and I never had the chance to properly reconnect since you got back from Europe. But I really want you to know that it would mean the world to me if you could come to the wedding. You know how highly I valued friendship and you and I were the closest friends once. If it’s not too much to ask of you, I’d like you to be one of my groomsmen? I know I might seem inappropriate but we were children then and we’ve both grown up since. Yours, Alex.
“Jesus!” John swore. This was even more messed up than he thought. What do you do when your high school flame invite you to his wedding and ask you to be part of the wedding party? Well, part of him reasoned, it’s not like Alexander was wrong. They had been very close yes – although ‘friends’ was probably never appropriate to describe the two of them – but it was a lifetime ago. They were kids then yes and now they were eight years older and probably not very wiser. Still it wasn’t crazy for Alex to assume John had moved on. And he had, mostly. He spent four years in Europe, studying in London. He had made new friends there, had a few flings and even had a stable relationship. Francis was a kind man with sandy hair, green eyes and sweet dimples. But John had wanted to go back home and Francis wouldn’t leave and that had been it. He was no longer a kid, he a different person now. But a part of him would always be eighteen, madly in love with Alexander Hamilton and heartbroken.
He got up and fetched the wooden box hidden in his closet. He was perfectly aware of the irony of keeping it on a closet of all places. Inside was his senior album from high school along with other ex-votos of a long-dead relationship.
He was reminiscing memories from too long ago when Lafayette entered his apartment, Hercules on his tail.
“John!” he said. “What is going on? We were supposed to meet an hour ago at the restaurant!”
“What?” John asked dumbly. He checked his watch. It was almost two and shit they’d made plans for lunch that day. Wait, did that mean that John spend nearly three hours sitting at the coffee table since the fateful thing had arrived?
Hercules always so perceptive took one look at him and immediately knew something was up. He sat in the armchair in front of him.
“John?” he said in a gentle voice. “What is it?”
John wordlessly handed him the invite and the note. He felt exhausted and he knew if he spent another second thinking about it, he would get lost in his own head. It was a good thing he had those two. He’d met Hercules at one of the University club in London and the two had been fast friends. Herc had introduced him to Lafayette less than a month later at a party. The trio was inseparable, to the point that after graduation when John had talked about founding his own firm in social work and go back in the States, his friends had tagged along.
Lafayette loved the American way of life. He fitted in society effortlessly, charming his way in every situation and dancing through life always looking impeccable. Hercules had made it home in America too albeit in a less flamboyant manner. For John, coming back was like trying on an old sweatshirt and realized that it was even more suiting that you thought. Their organization had taken off and was going strongly, helping those who needed it in the hard streets of New York. Everything was doing fine, until John checked his mailbox.
“That’s your ex-boyfriend right? And he’s inviting you to his wedding?” Hercules asked, incredulous.
John nodded.
“Did you guys keep in touch? You didn’t mention him in England and only a few times since we got here…”
“It’s…” John started. Complicated didn’t start to cover it. “We’re like… social media friends,” he said instead. “He likes my pictures on Instagram, I retweet his rants even though they’re sometimes too damn long and we’ve crossed paths a few times but not since last year.”
“Is that you and him?” Laf asked, gesturing at the album on John’s lap. John nodded again.
Laf took the book to look at the picture. It was Alex and him at Senior prom. John didn’t remember the theme, just that is was cheesy as hell. But he hadn’t cared that much, not when his more than one-year boyfriend, his first love, had so sweetly pinned a single carnation on the lapel of his tux. John had always loved the language of flower and Alexander knew it as he attached a symbol of pure love on him. The fact it was also a symbol of homosexuality had him whispered something in John’s ear that still made the man blush to this day. Neither of them was looking at the photographer on the picture. Alexander was leaning up on his tiptoes to kiss John’s cheek. John was leaning in, smiling broadly with shining eyes. His younger self looked so happy there, a kind of happiness and carelessness Hercules and Lafayette had never witnessed.
“He’s cute,” Laf commented, making John snorted.
“So what’s the problem?” Hercules asked him. Trust Hercules to not be distracted of the issue at hand.
“Nothing,” John answered a too quickly. “I was just surprised that’s all and then I went on an unnecessary trip to Memory Lane, it’s fine.”
Both his friends shot him an unimpressed look. “So will you do it?”
Well that was an entirely other story wasn’t it?
“I need to talk to him,” John decided. “I don’t know why he wants me there. So I’ll ask him and I’ll make a decision then.”
“Yeah, you do that,” Laf said but he still looked doubtful.
“Oh for fuck sake Laf!” John was starting to get exasperated. “What is it?”
“Are you still in love with him?” Laf was always blunt with that kind of stuff.
John considered it.
“No,” he answered firmly. “It’s just…” he took a deep breath. “As pathetic as it may sound, my longest and happiest and most serious relationship was in high school. So this feels weird but it’s nothing other than nostalgia.”
“But he broke your heart, didn’t he?” Hercules reminded him softly. “Be careful not to turn those memories into the fantasy of a perfect relationship that never existed.”
“I know what he did to me Herc,” John answered, a little bitter. “I don’t need to be reminded of it. And I can handle a phone conversation without breaking down thank you very much!”
“Just checking,” Herc replied, not seeming phased even a little. “We’ll get out of your air, give you privacy.” Laf seemed to strongly disagree with that but one look from Herc and he begrudgingly followed him out.
“Rain check on lunch?” he said on the threshold. He might as well have said, I’m making you spill every detail of that conversation later, whether you like it or not!
“Sure,” John smiled.
Once he was alone in his apartment, John forced himself to drink a glass of water to calm down. He fiddled with his phone for a second before muttering, “Damn it!”
He was a grown-ass man. He could handle a phone conversation with a guy he used to date back in high school!
He pressed the call button before he could stop himself. It only rang twice before someone picked up.
“Hello?”
“Alexander, hi! It’s John Laurens,” John was very proud that his voice was even and steady.
“John!” Alex’s voice sounded surprised yet pleased. “It’s good to hear your voice! Why are you calling me? Not to be rude or anything but it’s been a while since we talked and… Oh! I’m so stupid you got the invite right? That’s why you’re calling?”
“Alex,” John rolled his eyes but his tone was fond. The other man had never learnt to stop talking. “Yes, I got the invite. Congratulations.”
“Oh, thank you,” his voice was warm on the other end.
“I just… hum,” John needed to come up with a way to say why on Earth would you want your ex-boyfriend to whom you haven’t talked to in a year to be one of your groomsmen at your wedding? without sounding rude. Instead he settled for, “Are you sure you want me there?”
“Yeah John,” Alex replied with no hesitation in his voice. “I know it probably seems weird but with the exceptions of Eliza and Burr – that my college roommate, he’s my best man – you’re probably one the only person that actually know me so…”
John felt something warm filling his chest and suddenly he understood. Alex had never told anyone about his past before him, had never let himself be open and vulnerable with another person. “You taught me how to love,” he’d said once. John also knew how frightened Alex was at letting people down, of disappointing them. He glanced down at the invite and it hit him that Alex’s parents were not mentioned. Of course not, John knew they were out of the picture. Suddenly he realized what Alex was actually asking: “We’re family you and I, right?”
“Yeah Alex, you’re stuck with me now!”
“When have I ever been able at saying no to you?” John intended to joke to hide the lump in his throat and he heard Alex chuckled.
“Thank you John. Truly.”
“You’re welcome,” John answered. He only needed to know one more thing before hanging up. “Alex, does your fiancée know? About… our history?” Does she know just how much we loved each other?
“Uh, yeah…” Alex admitted. “Yeah she knows everything.”
John nodded, momentarily forgetting that Alex couldn’t see him.
“Great,” he said. “I’ll see you soon then?”
“See you soon,” Alex said back. “And John?”
“Yeah?”
“Again, thank you. It means the world to me.”
John ended the call quickly, not really sure what he was supposed to answer to that. He checked the invite again and saw the wedding was next spring. He sighed. This was gonna be nine long months.