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Now, Tim has seen a lot of Weird Stuff.
Heck, he lives in Gotham, Weird Stuff is basically in the job description. The fact that he’s a vigilante probably doesn’t help.
He does have to admit that six people falling out of the sky is a new one though.
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“ALERT”
Tim jolted upright as the message appeared on the Batcomputer. He had zoned out, thinking about a couple cold cases he was working on. Oracle was on one of her rare nights off, so he was running all the essential stuff from the batcave. It was a fairly quiet night, so excuse him for drifting off a little.
“ALERT”
Right, he should probably check that.
Huh.
That was new.
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<Red Robin> Hey guys, I just got an energy fluctuation alert. You’ll never guess what it is
<Nightwing> What?
<Red Robin> Six guys just fell out of a portal in the sky
<Nightwing> What.
<Red Robin> And you know what else?
<Nightwing> …what?
<Red Robin> I can’t find ANYTHING about them! No names, no meta records, nothing!
<Red Hood> Why would they need meta registration?
<Red Robin> They look like they’re HALF ANIMAL
<Batman> Location?
<Red Robin> 6th Street in Crime Alley
<Batman> On my way
<Red Hood> I’m on patrol in the area, I’ll check it out.
<Red Robin> Holy crap, you’ll never guess what I just found
<Batman> What?
<Red Robin> It looks like the freaking Joker is in the middle of an arms deal literally in the warehouse next to them
<Nightwing> Excuse me?
<Red Robin> Holy crap B, you’re going to want to see this
—————————————————————————————————————————
Jason felt his comm buzz insistently as he drove towards the location Tim gave him. As he pulled to a stop a few blocks away, he checked his comm. The Joker. He shook his head to clear it. No time for that now. He’d just have to avoid contact, at least until Bruce got there. Then he could leave.
As Jason grew closer, he started hearing a loud conversation (argument?).
“It is not my fault!” One voice exclaimed.
Another responded, “Yes it is, you pressed the button!”
“There was literally a big red glowing button that was labeled ‘Grian: Do Not Touch’! What did you expect to happen?”
“I don’t know, maybe I expected you to follow the explicit instructions?” A third person.
“Well clearly you haven’t met me Impulse, because literally everyone knows that I can’t resist pressing buttons!”
As Jason reached a spot where he could see the speakers a fourth voice timidly interjected, “Uh hey guys? There are a bunch of clowns over there, and they don’t look like the happy kind.”
Jason watched as the six figures in the courtyard’s heads snapped over to the speaker, then to where he was pointing. There were indeed a bunch of clowns, including the Joker himself. Surprisingly, besides the one who had pointed them out (hold on, was he floating?), none of them seemed very scared.
Jason squinted, adjusting his helmet to get a better look at the group. Tim wasn't kidding; they looked anything but normal.
On the defensive side of the argument was a man (Grian?) who looked mostly human if it wasn’t for a pair of massive parrot wings tucked tightly against his back, the red, yellow, and blue feathers twitching with every defensive gesture he made. Next to him stood a broad-shouldered man with dark, curved demon horns swept back from his forehead. His eyes glowed with a steady, golden light that looked far too much like hellfire for Jason’s comfort.
Next to him was a man who looked like the literal opposite of the demon beside him. He had a pair of towering, snow-white angel wings that seemed to catch what little light Gotham offered, and a faint, shimmering halo hovered precariously over his messy hair. Hovering just behind them was the one who had noticed the Joker and his goons. He wasn’t just floating; he was translucent in places, his skin a pale, ghostly blue and his back sporting tiny, tattered wings that buzzed like a dragonfly's.
On the edge of the group, a woman with delicate deer antlers branching from her head was already reaching for a sword, her hooves clicking sharply against the Gotham pavement as she shifted into a combat stance. Beside her, a shorter, sturdier man with a thick, ringed tanooki tail was baring his teeth at the Joker’s goons, his masked face making him look more like a feral forest spirit than a lost tourist.
They were bright, they were weird, and in the grime of Crime Alley, they stuck out like a neon sign in a graveyard.
“Look at what we have here!” The Joker stalked forward to the floating one, a manic grin on his face. “A deer, a demon, an angel, a… raccoon? A few,” his face darkened, “ah, birds, and a ghost!”
Said ghostly man shifted uncomfortably. “I’m uh, not a ghost?”
The Joker hummed, a dark look on his face. A pit opened in Jason’s stomach. “Not a ghost? Well, you certainly look a bit under the weather! You’re practically see-through, kiddo. Let me poke a few more holes in you so we can let the breeze through!” With the last line, the Joker lunged forward, a knife in his hand. Strangely, the man didn’t flinch.
“Oh, is this an anarchy server? I didn’t see the welcome message.” Jason furrowed his brow, confused. The ghostly man stepped aside, dodging the strike. “Really not smart to attack without any armor and only a knife, but you know,” Suddenly there was a shimmering purple sword in his hand. Jason’s (and the Joker’s, though he couldn’t see it) eyes widened in shock. “To each their own I guess.” Without any other warning, the man thrust his sword through the Joker’s back.
Jason didn’t know what he expected. Screaming, maybe? Accusations? Instead the worst he got was… mild disappointment?
“Scar,” the man with parrot wings (Jason thought he heard him called Grian?) groaned. “That shirt looked new! You’re gonna have to pay for that!” He shook his head. “And you’re broke, so I’m gonna have to pay for it!”
Meanwhile, the woman with deer antlers was congratulating him? “Great job Scar!” She cheered. “Granted, he wasn’t wearing any armor, but that was a clean cut! You’re really improving!”
The man with demon horns (Impulse?) sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Darnit, I hope we didn’t make any enemies. At least it isn’t a hardcore server, we would’ve gotten a notification, so he should respawn in a minute.”
Respawn? The word jolted Jason out of his spiral. This wasn’t some video game, why-
The man with a tanooki tail nudged antler girl. “Uh, guys? The other clowns do not look very happy.”
Once again, their heads snapped over to the clowns in question. The Joker’s goons stood frozen for a moment, staring at the man who had just killed their boss. Then, chaos. One of the goons shouted “GET THEM!” and the rest followed suit, pulling handguns, bats, and lead pipes from seemingly nowhere.
‘Grian’ immediately leapt into the air, using his wings to propel him higher than the rooftops. He pulled what looked like a crossbow from nowhere and started firing rockets down at the Joker’s goons. “These guys must be in his faction!” he called. “Scar, can you find their respawn point?”
‘Scar’ grinned, nodded, and phased through the ground. That took a moment to process, and by the time Jason refocused, almost half of the goons were on the ground, blood pooling around them.
(Jason was kind of impressed, though he’d never admit that to anyone)
The one with angel wings was attempting to de-escalate. “Hey guys, maybe we could negotiate a-” A bullet whizzed past his head. “Okay, we’re doing this now-” He dove to the side, spreading his wings to get into the air and away from the shooters. “Evaisve maneuvers!" He scooped up ‘Impulse’ and flew up to a fourth-level fire escape. “Come on Dipple-Dop, let’s leave the fighting to the professionals.”
Jason watched in mute shock as the one with the Tanooki tail and the one with the deer antlers (and hooves?) fought together, guarding each others’ backs. Though it was obvious who was more skilled (the one with antlers), they were a graceful, skilled team. It came as no surprise that eventually all the goons were either defeated or had surrendered.
About ten minutes too late, Batman arrived. He took one look at the scene in the courtyard below and turned to Jason. “What happened here?”
Jason gestured towards the group of animal-people. “They happened. The fight ended like ten minutes ago.”
Bruce stared at Jason for a moment. “Are you telling me that these six people just took out Joker’s entire goon squad?”
Jason nodded.
‘Scar’ poked one of the clowns. “Hey Gem, why aren’t these guys respawning?”
‘Gem’ looked over. “I dunno, maybe it’s a server like SOS? You have to do something specific to get them to respawn?”
Batman leapt down from the roof, feeling for a pulse on the Joker. “They’re dead.” He turned to look at ‘Scar’. “You killed them.”
Scar glanced up at ‘Impulse’, who was still up on the fire escape. “Uh, yeah? He started it though. Are you… out of fatecoins, or… whatever you need?” He turned to ‘Grian’. “Can you see if he’s just stuck on the respawn menu, or something?”
Batman’s hand strayed toward his utility belt. “There is no ‘respawning’ here. You took a life.”
The man with the Tanooki tail snorted. “Oh, a hardcore world? Should’ve worn armor then, stupid.”
“Be nice Joel!” The angel called from the fire escape. “This feels like a roleplay server, we might have just interrupted their arc!”
“Hood, Nightwing, I could use some backup.” Batman said, pulling a batarang from his utility belt.
“B, they aren’t-” Jason tried to interject. They didn’t seem to be intentionally lethal, it looked like they just operated in a place with different rules, normally.
"They’re high-level meta-humans with unidentified teleportation and weaponry," Batman interrupted, his white lenses scanning ‘Impulse’’s horns and ‘Gem’’s hooves. "Identify yourselves. You’re operating in Gotham without permission, and you’ve used lethal force."
‘Impulse’ and the angel guy landed on the ground. “Woah, lethal? Dude, if this was a hardcore server, you should’ve coded an automatic chat message.”
“Xisuma wouldn’t have messed that up!” ‘Grian’ muttered to ‘Joel’ with a bit of pride in his tone.
“Who is Xisuma?” Batman asked. “Your handler?”
‘Joel’ raised an eyebrow. “You mean you haven’t heard of Xisuma Void? The most influential Admin currently active?” When that sparked no reaction from Batman, the guy laughed. “Dang, you must live under a rock! When’s the last time you went to a hub world?”
Jason leapt down from the roof, rolling to reduce the impact. “Someone finally took him out, nice.”
Batman’s head snapped over to Jason. “Hood.”
Jason shrugged. “Look, I know you have your ‘no-kill’ rule, but Arkham isn’t capable of holding that creep. It’s about time.”
“Soo… definitely a roleplay server,” ‘Impulse’ sighed. “Sorry if we interrupted a storyline or something.”
Batman straightened. “I’m going to need you to come with me.”
Everyone looked to ‘Impulse’ and the angel-winged one. ‘Impulse’ shrugged. “Yeah, I don’t see why not. We’d just respawn back home, so…”
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Tim blinked.
He rubbed his eyes and blinked again.
Nope, they were still there.
“GRIAN! GET YOUR FREAKING FOOT OUT OF MY FACE-”
“IMPUUUUUULLLLLSE- JOEL IS BEING MEAN AGAIN-”
“Scar, please don’t touch the redstone-”
Apparently Batman had tried to contain them and, well…
—————————————————————————————————————————
“How did you get out.”
Scar shrugged. “I mean… I am a vex hybrid? You’d need crying obsidian to contain me. But that’s common knowledge, so… I dunno what you want from me.”
Grian elbowed him. “Scar, this is a roleplay server, remember? I bet that the glass is supposed to be, like, enchanted or something.”
Scar’s eyes lit up with understanding. “Oh! Well, maybe they should’ve made it invulnerable then? Or at least given you mining fatigue. I mean, you were able to mine it pretty easily.”
Batman growled as Gem mined through the glass, Joel exiting behind her. “That is Grade-A Kevlar infused glass. There is also a meta-factor removal field in each one. How were you able to break it?”
Impulse shrugged as Skizz mined a hole in the cell they were in. Why were the lines so clean? It was like they had used a laser to create a perfect rectangle. “I don’t know what meta is, but this just seems like normal glass to me. Maybe iron-infused at the very most?” The pickaxe he was holding disappeared. “It would have to be a modded server though.”
Gem’s nose scrunched up. “Nah, Iron-Infused glass takes way longer to break. That’s just normal glass.” She sighed. “Man, I’m going to miss that PvP tournament. I was really looking forward to it.”
Batman’s eyes narrowed. “Tournament?”
“Yeah, and it’s one of the biggest ones this year!” Gem sighed. “Maybe X will get this portal thing sorted out on his end before that.” She turned to Impulse. “What are the chances we could get back to Hermitcraft before then?”
Impulse winced. “Pretty low, if I’m honest. Someone would have to press the return button, and my messages aren’t going through.”
Gem sighed again. “Well, I guess that rematch will have to wait.” She perked up slightly. “Maybe I can convince Techno to bring Dream along next time we practice!”
Meanwhile, Scar was poking around the Batcomputer with Grian. “Think it’s Scar and Grian proof?” Grian asked with a curious look on his face. He shrugged. “I mean, it can’t be worse than the tunnel bore.”
Impulse’s head snapped towards the duo. “Scar no-” He darted over to the two accident-prone hybrids. “Grian, you remember what happened last time you pushed unknown buttons?” He scolded. “We ended up here!”
Dick entered the cave and Tim handed him a bag of popcorn. “‘Sup Nightwing,” Tim popped a piece of popcorn into his mouth. “How was patrol?”
Dick looked between Tim, Batman, and the six newcomers. “Clearly not that eventful compared to this.”
Tim shrugged. “Yeah, I suppose that’s fair.” He looked at where B was trying to get them back into new cells. “I’m dying to ask them some questions, but this is super entertaining.”
Suddenly an alert came from the Batcomputer. “Self Destruct Sequence Activated,” the computerized voice said. Tim sat up straight. “Override?”
“Scar!” Impulse exclaimed, scurrying over to the Batcomputer. “What did I say?” He sighed and started examining the assortment of buttons. Before any of the bats could stop him, he pried up a panel, examining the wires inside. “No, no… hm…” He brightened. “Here we go!”
Impulse closed the panel and pressed several buttons in quick succession. “Self Destruct Sequence Overridden" He hummed in satisfaction and nodded.
Dick gaped at him. “How-?”
Impulse shrugged. “It’s certainly a compact bit of redstone, but not the most complex I’ve ever seen. My buddy Tango’s noodles are definitely worse.”
Tim blinked. Who’s what now?
—————————————————————————————————————————
There was a cackle from the far side of the cave. Joel was- climbing the T-Rex? “You’ll never catch me, Grian!”
Wait, that didn’t make any sense. Hadn’t Grian just been-
Nope, he was over there now. By the T-Rex. Grian leapt off the ground using his wings and perched on the T-Rex’s head. “Too slow Joel!” He chirped.
Batman looked like he was about to have an aneurysm.
It was glorious, in Jason’s opinion.
Despite Bruce’s best efforts, the six newcomers were unrestrained and causing chaos throughout the cave. This situation was made slightly worse when Damian descended from the elevator (thankfully) in costume. He stopped and stared at the chaos unfolding in front of him.
Jason sidled over to Tim and Dick. “Got any more popcorn?” He took the offered bag. “Thanks. Ten bucks that he tries to fight them.”
Dick snorted. “Nah, I’m not taking that bet.”
That was probably smart of Dick. Jason crunched on some popcorn as he watched the Demon Brat stalk up to Bruce. “What are these… hooligans doing here, Father?”
Scar bounced forward. “Why hello there! The name’s Scar Goodtimes! What might yours be?” One arm behind his back and the other stuck out in front of him for Damian to shake, he leaned forward into a short bow.
Damian stared at him for a moment before reaching to shake his hand. “You may call me Robin.” At least, he would’ve shook his hand if Gem hadn’t slapped Scar’s away.
“Scar!” Gem exclaimed. “What did we say?”
Scar’s face morphed into one of sheepish embarrassment. “Whoops, sorry. Before we shake hands, I would like to let it be known that there is no deal being made here.” He stuck his hand back out.
Damian blinked and scowled. “Excuse me? Are you some sort of fae?” He glanced over to Bruce.
Scar shrugged. “Vex, Elf, Fae, Shmapato Shmapoto.” He thought for a moment. “I did meet a fae hybrid I think, ooh, and an Allay.” At Damian’s silence, he added awkwardly, “We’re all kinda… in the same species family?”
It was silent for a moment. Then Damian shook Scar’s hand before turning to Gem. “You possess the stance of a warrior. Are you the leader?”
The six newcomers looked at each other. “Skizz or Impulse are probably the most responsible?” Grian offered. “But Gem is the best fighter. Our admin- our leader isn’t here with us.”
Damian turned back to Gem. “I challenge you to a duel. To first blood.” He gestured to the katana on his back. “I prefer to use the katana. What weapon do you favor?”
Gem blinked. A grin spread over her face. “Oh, you’re on.” A huge purple axe materialized in her hands. She swung it up to rest it on her shoulder like it weighed nothing. “You guys got an arena?”
—————————————————————————————————————————
“Come on Gem! We’ve been here like an hour!” Impulse pleaded. “Don’t fight the child! It isn’t going to go-”
“Tch. I think I can handle a simple duel.” Damian kept his gaze on Gem. “I propose that we only use our one weapon of choice. I will not use any of my hidden weapons, if you do not utilize yours.”
Gem nodded, exchanging the axe for a longsword of the same color. “That’s fair. You said first blood?” Damain nodded, and she continued. “Well then, I think we should stay away from the face and neck. Anywhere above the shoulders is a no-go.”
“I suppose that would be wise.” Damian said. “Are you ready?”
“Can’t you get them to stop?” Impulse asked Batman. “I mean, he is your… sidekick? Partner?”
Batman remained stonefaced. “Robin can hold his own.”
Impulse sighed. “Fine.” He turned to Grian. “Well? What are the bets so far?”
Grian placed a hand on his chest in mock offense. “Impulse! I’m so offended that you would think I would do that! I would never-”
“Literally all of us bet on Gem.” Joel interrupted. “Except for the guy in blue. He bet on the kid.” Grian gave him a betrayed look. “What? You weren’t fooling anyone!”
Dick gave Jason a faux hurt look. “Really? You bet against Robin?”
Jason shrugged. “You didn’t see her fight. Absolutely mad.” He pointed at Gem, who was twirling her sword as the two duelists walked to opposite sides of the arena.
“Ready?” Skizz called. “And… start!”
Immediately, the two turned around and started to circle each other, exchanging a few feints and parries to get a feel for the other’s fighting style. Suddenly, Gem lunged forward, thrusting her sword in a one-handed grip. The two engaged each other in a deadly dance of slashes, dodges, and thrusts, sounds of metal on metal echoing through the cave. Damian started to make a one-handed thrust with his katana, but Gem sliced his arm when it came into reach.
The two stepped away from each other. Damian offered a short bow. “You were a worthy opponent.” He sheathed his katana.
Gem grinned. “Nice job kid,” She offered him a carrot that looked like it was made of gold.
Damian stared at it for a moment. He took it, turning it over in his hands. “What is this for?” He asked.
“To eat, of course!” Gem said. “Do you not have golden carrots here? It’s pretty vanilla.”
Damian hesitantly took a bite, eyes widening as the cut on his arm healed. “Does this food have magical properties?”
“It’s food, innit?” Joel said. “Like, it’s pretty good food, but it’s not special like gapples.” He snorted. “Have you never had food before?”
Damian looked down at the healed cut on his arm, then back to the still-mostly-whole carrot in his hands. Before he could demand information as to how it worked, Gem pulled what looked like a strange miniature chest from her inventory. She placed it down, and started rummaging through it.
(How did it grow hundreds of times its size?)
She made a triumphant noise and pulled a purple tinted longsword that looked like it was made of glittering blue diamonds. She turned around and presented it to Damian. “Beef- he’s one of the best weaponsmiths on our server and he made this one. It might be a bit big for you right now, but I’m sure you’ll grow into it!” She smiled.
Damian ran a hand over the flat of the blade and then tested the edge. His eyebrows raised in surprise as it instantly sliced a thin cut onto his finger. He took a bite of the golden carrot still in his hand, and it healed. He looked up at Gem. “How is it that this blade is so sharp?” He questioned.
“It’s got Sharpness V, Sweeping Edge, Unbreaking III, and Mending.” Gem listed. “So make sure you use it safely.” She paused. “But not too safe!”
While Gem was talking to Damian, Grian sidled over to Jason. “Nice bet. Wanna sword too?” He grinned. “It’s got max enchants on it too.”
Jason shrugged. “You know what, why not? Can’t have too many weapons.” He accepted the blue, shimmery sword.
Dick approached Skizz. “Hey, that food heals you, right?” Skizz nodded. “Do you think I could get some? Our food doesn’t do that here.”
Skizz’s face lit up. “Oh yeah, sure dude! Actually, you should get some from Scar- he’s great at cooking!” He turned to the mentioned man. “Hey Scar! You got any spare food?”
Scar grinned. “Why of course!” He bounced over to the blue-green chest that Gem had placed down and dug in it. He pulled out a small drawstring pouch. “There should be half a stack of burgers in there. I think there’s some carrots too.”
Dick peeked inside the pouch, his eyes widening. “How is there so much? How does it all fit?”
Tim, meanwhile, was asking Impulse what he did to fix the batcomputer. “Can I see this ‘redstone’?” He asked. “It sounds like-”
Suddenly, a glowing purple mist appeared in the middle of the room with a crack. It seemed to split the air, cracks spiderwebbing outward. (think G’s S9 rift but in midair) A man in a green and purple helmet and armor stepped out of the portal. A woman with eagle wings was on his left and a man that looked almost average on his right. The ‘average’ man had something not quite right about him. Jason couldn’t quite put his finger on it.
The man in the helmet sighed. “Really Grian?”
Said parrot man squawked in offense. “Why does everyone always assume it’s me? Impulse built the machine!” The man fixed him with an unimpressed stare. Grian shifted uncomfortably. “Sorry X,” he mumbled.
‘X’ turned to look at the strange hybrids. “You somehow managed to get to a place that’s not a server, not a realm, not a hub world, and not any dimension plane I can see. How? I have no idea.” He sighed and turned to the bats. “I apologize for whatever my Hermits did. I would say they’re more well-behaved usually, but I don’t want to lie to you.” He looked his ‘Hermits’ over. “Please return through the rift.”
Tim jolted. “Wait- what was the redstone thing-”
Impulse dug in the strange chest that was still there and pulled out a drawstring pouch that looked similar to the one Scar had grabbed. “Here!” He tossed it to Tim before bringing a pickaxe down on the chest. It shrunk down and he picked it up. “Come on Skizz!” He said brightly. Grabbing Skizz’s hand, the two headed through the portal.
Grian ran through the rift, shouting over his shoulder. “Race you, Scar! Joel!” Scar made a noise of offense and charged after him, Joel not far behind.
Gem gave Damian a smile and skipped towards the mist, throwing an arm over the woman with eagle wings’ shoulder and chatting happily as they disappeared.
‘X’ nodded to the Bats once again and turned back around to leave with the strange man next to him.
Once they were gone, it was silent for a moment. Then, the portal closed with a crack and they seemed to awake from their spell.
“So.” Dick said, staring at the pouch in his hand. “I didn’t just hallucinate that, did I?”
Tim shook his head. “No, that definitely happened.” He looked down at the red-stained bundle in his own hand. “I think I should probably go to bed. In case it’s a mass sleep-deprived hallucination.”
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As soon as they were all safely on the other side of the rift, X dropped his ‘Admin Void’ persona. He sighed and turned to the Hermits. “Please tell me you didn’t cause too much chaos.”