Chapter Text
Seungmin didn't understand.
Kim Seungmin was a rational person, he was smart to no avail— just looking at him you'd think he's a very polite and respectful person with a rational mind.
Maybe that's why he didn't understand the way he was feeling? maybe that's why he didn't think to reach out once he felt the grueling pain in his chest, the ache in his lungs, and heaviness on his head an shoulders.
It was stupid. Feelings were stupid. But Seungmin understood why feelings had to exist and matter—
Just...not his own.
He didn't understand why he yelled at I.N for trying to help him, he didn't understand why he wasn't trying his best during practice, he didn't understand why he was angry at Minho for calling him out on something wrong, he didn't understand why he didn't accept Chan's help, he didn't understand why his voice was failing him, he didn't understand why his room started to become messier and messier, he didn't understand why Hyunjin looked at him as if he was about to cry—
He just didn't understand why.
He once prided himself that he comforted someone by saying they didn't need to know everything, that they didn't need to understand everything— but now that he doesn't understand, everything's just... falling apart for him.
It drove him insane. He needed to know why, and he needed to know now before he starts dragging the team down. He grabbed at his chest, falling down onto his knees as he rested on his bed, aching and yearning for something he didn't understand.
Seungmin rarely cried, only cried when he worked so hard to achieve something or when somebody died— even then, he'd only cry when that person he cared deeply about died; it's not like anybody did, at least anybody he cared about.
He cried as he sunk to the floor, gripping his wrist as blood splattered onto the bathroom counter— he didn't understand why he did it.
He didn't understand...
He didn't understand..
He didn't understand.
All he knew next was that he sat on the floor, staring at the ceiling for god knows how long— just hoping he didn't wish to be up there beside the ceiling fan.
Except...he did. And he hated the fact he did. He didn't understand why he hated it when it sounded so nice, he didn't understand why he wanted it when it was such an awful thing to commit.
But he wanted it— maybe that's what soothes the ache in his empty heart. Even writing in his journal felt empty, only filling barely half a paragraph or even a sentence.
He also wanted to stop pulling at his sleeves, not wanting to see or notice the swelling of the cuts everytime his sleeves went even a centimeter up.
He stilled noticed.
The others noticed too.
Grueling, pulling, that's what it felt like when he saw the edge of the railing as they started to film a new SKZ CODE episode. Sitting far from the others because he just had to hurt his ankle just when they were about to have a comeback.
Wonderful. How fucking useless of you Seungmin. You'd think you'd be smarter.
Taking deep breaths to calm himself down, the ache in his chest never seemed to go away— turning away to hide the tears that pricked his eyes as the members goofed about, did they notice? Or did they simply not care?
They care, I'm sure they care. They care so— so much for me. I feel terrible for being the only person who's taking the team down, but it's not like I wanted anyone else to, even if they could.
I'm so useless, I'm a hazard. The only thing I bring is sorrow and misery. They'd be happier without me, they'd be happier without me meddling in and being annoying. Not that they would notice if I was gone anyways.
He suddenly felt nauseous at the thought, going to the bathroom in a small sprint despite his ankle and threw up, arms trembling and shaking as he held the seat of the toilet— right after he just got his make-up down, way to go seungmin.
He closed his eyes and let out a small sob, leaning back against the tiles of the bathroom walls as he tried to hold everything together— why does he keep doing this to himself? He didn't understand that either.
He panted heavily, trying to have some resemblance of calm but could do nothing as he sobbed, shoulders racking as he cried helplessly— bless the company for being rich and having sound proof walls, bless this bathroom for hiding me away, I wish it'd do it forever.
Why was he such a burden? He didn't understand.
One thing he did understand was that pills made it better, taking a couple with increasing dosages didn't feel smart, but it felt right...so right, and made him feel so incredibly light.
Sure it wasn't safe, but nobody told him to take any less. Not that they knew. Even if they did, he doubt they'd care, why would they care about me? I've been dragging the team down so much and I keep messing up at practice, I yelled at the youngest and annoying to have around— I bet they'd wish I was gone by now, in fact, I bet they're still out there having fun without me.
He let out a laugh, why was he still here? His career didn't matter, so many of his fans found him unremarkable and unmemorable— besides, he already achieved everything he wanted to achieve, what else was there? His friends?
He couldn't call them his friends anymore, besides, they wouldn't miss him and they didn't really need him there anyways. His family? They'll move on, besides, they still have his sister. Nothing about him mattered to anyone anymore. Had it always mattered in the first place? His passions? He didn't need them, they were pointless form the beginning.
There was nothing, even writing and voicing them out felt empty— like he could never express them through words, it ached within him, resonating and lingering like a hard hit to a gong.
He didn't understand
He didn't understand
He didn't understand.
The only thing he understood was why he was standing on the rooftop that day. Staring up into the clear blue sky, the breeze whispered past him like a soft song.
He'd miss singing, that much he was sure of. He'd also missed singing it with his members, singing alongside Jisung as he played on his guitar, how much he trained and practiced just so he could perform on that stage where all his fans would see him and adrenaline pumped into his veins.
He'd miss playing League with Felix, and teasing him about being in Bronze even though he's sure he's well past that now, he'd miss talking with I.N and being the closest together, he'd miss the way he'd tease Minho with the same love-hate energy they have, he'd miss annoying Changbin and how he'd carry him even when he was down, he'd miss Chan and showing him the silent ways he'd care for him when he worked too hard, he'd miss the way Hyunjin showed admiration for him and he's miss being his singer, he'd miss Skijigi and their hard work—
But most of all, he'd miss the way he felt when he actually felt alive. When was that? God, it felt like forever ago. Life felt like it goes by so fast, it might've been years since he actually felt something in him.
One foot after the other he neared the edge, it was scary yet oddly exhilarating. He gravitated towards the edge, like the pull was urging him to enjoy the moment as it lasted.
Maybe in another life he'd have a place to call home without feeling like an imposter, maybe after his life his members would live on happier than ever, maybe he'd regret this decision.
Regret this decision? Yeah, right, why would he?
He knew this was the best decision he could think of, he knew the members would disagree but it's not like he'd listen.
He loved the thrill as he stood there, taking in the moment longer, deep breaths, going in and out as he stared down at the far ground.
Seungmin stared up at the sky, slowly descending down as night started, he saw the first star appear and show itself— he wondered if that superstition was true, that those who leave become one of the stars in the sky.
He didn't believe in those things, yet right now, he suddenly wished he did.
Why? He didn't understand why it hit him now that he was on the edge. His members will miss him terribly, he was awful for doing this to them— he was a terrible person for wanting this so selfishly when they were nothing but kind and loving towards him.
Chan would just have more inconveniences at work and less time sleeping trying to keep the group together, I'm sorry.
Minho would just keep even more emotions to himself, he'll hate hiding it for the camera, I'm sorry.
Changbin will just find ways to reach out to everyone, but there'll be no fixing that, I'm sorry.
Hyunjin would be so confused on what to feel and who to go to first, he was always so understanding, so willing to be the softness that the others could land on, I'm sorry.
Han would just hide himself away, not being able to handle everything around him— he always hated confronting his serious emotions, I'm sorry.
Felix would be inconsolable, he'd never try to find another person to replace me— always such a ray of sunshine and my best friend, I'm sorry.
Jeongin— I... don't want to think about him, thinking too hard about how he would take it pains me too much to try and do— I'm leaving him to be alone. I'm sorry Innie, but... I can't take it anymore.
I don't understand why I'm doing this, I don't understand any of it. It all just came so fast. It pains me to think that I can't give you a straight answer in why I did this but all I ask is that you move on and forgive me.
I love you, so much I can't bear to continue being by your side whist being incomplete— or, im not sure...it could just be a weak excuse. I don't even know myself anymore.
I know I'm supposed to be mature, rational, and sensible. I know that. I'm sorry but I'm going to be immature for once, is that okay Mom? Just this once.
I don't even know why I keep writing stories of myself to you, when I know you can't read them— I'd like to think you can. I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise to stay with my sister, but she's stronger than anyone I've ever known, she'll be just fine.
Everything just felt like it was repeating and repeating, the world felt too fast— like it was changing too fast for me to keep up. I didn't want to share too much to you, so you're not worried, but...i wanted to show you.
I hope this won't be a burden to anyone,
- Kim Seungmin.