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Taehyung can’t cook.
Taehyung can’t cook, and Jimin isn’t really any better, but that’s okay. That’s kind of their thing.
“Jimin, is the camera going?” Taehyung takes a step back in their shared kitchen, taking note of the red blinking light on the camera they've carefully set up on the furthest counter. Surveys the countertop full of ingredients, fresh vegetables and herbs that he and Jimin had personally picked up from the local farmer’s market (discounted, actually, because they’re regulars now and Taehyung likes to flirt with the produce lady).
He fixes his hair in the viewfinder and tights the strings on his apron; it’s white, with two stylized eggs on the front. Jimin wears the matching counterpart, his adorned with a cartoon slice of bacon. Couple aprons, a gift sent in by one of their viewers.
Jimin nods, giving the camera lens a final adjustment before stepping back in place next to Taehyung. He links their arms together, throwing him a warm smile. “Ready.”
Taehyung turns his smile to the camera.
“Good evening, our fellow culinary enthusiasts, and welcome to another episode of..”
“Whisk Takers,” Jimin and Taehyung finish in unison, all kind eyes, warm smiles, and jazz hands towards the camera.
“I’m TaeTae.”
“And I’m Jimin.”
“And today we’re boldly taking you where no culinarily challenged has ever gone before,” they finish together.
“What’s on the menu today, Jimin?” Taehyung turns to his lover turned co-chef, flashing him a toothy grin that Jimin returns in earnest. It’s a practiced routine at this point, their shtick.
It’d started about a year ago, on a cold night with warm drinks and even warmer company. One of their first dates, a movie night cuddled up on Taehyung’s couch with hot chocolate and Ratatouille.
“Why’s he need the help of a rat, anyway? It’s just like..sliced vegetables and shit. Anyone could do that.”
Jimin had laughed, lightly slapping Taehyung’s knee and staring at him in a fond sort of incredulity.
“Tae, your culinary repertoire consists of ramen and toaster strudels.”
“Jimin, you insult me. Put me in a kitchen and give me a recipe and I’ll do wonders. I’ll cook the pants right off of you. And I won’t even need a rat in my hair to do it.”
“For starters, good, because that’s disgusting. Secondly, my pants are going to stay right where they are, thanks very much.” He flicked the nose of a pouting Taehyung, giving him a small grin. “For tonight, at least.” Taehyung waggled his brows, earning himself another flick on the nose.
“Lastly, let’s see it then. Show me the ratatouille.”
That sounded like a challenge. A direct challenge to his culinary prowess.
And maybe he wanted to impress Jimin. A little.
Taehyung straightened. Fixed Jimin with a look of steely determination. Dramatically set his Totoro hot cocoa mug on the coffee table and took his phone out of his pocket. “Siri, how do you make Ratatouille?”
And, well, the rest was history.
The ratatouille had been a resounding failure, a burnt pile of vegetable goo that Taehyung wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy. But he and Jimin had a blast making it, filming their culinary shenanigans and uploading it to YouTube just to share with their friends for shits and giggles.
They hadn't really been prepared for the response.The video had blown up. Thousands of views within days, thousands of comments encouraging them to make more similar videos, people sending in suggestions of what difficult recipes they could fuck up next.
So Whisk Takers was born. It was an easy choice, because it was fun and Taehyung liked any idea that involved spending more time with Jimin. Liked the idea of starting something that they could build together.
And they had built something together. Their own little community of viewers and subscribers. People tuning in from all over the world, some finding their failure relatable, some just laughing at their ineptitude. Some people just thought they were cute.
One year and 36 failed recipes later. (Bar the one time Taehyung had, to the shock of Jimin, their viewers, and himself, produced the perfect soufflé.) One year of complete incompetence. One year of laughter, shitty food puns, and stolen kisses.
One year of surprisingly little culinary progress. But as he gazes fondly down at Jimin - taking in his warm eyes, the cute matching apron, how animatedly he beams towards the camera, interacting with thousands of people on the other side as warmly as if they'd known each other their entire lives - he thinks maybe he gained something better instead.
Jimin clasps Taehyung's hand in his own, giving it a small squeeze. Taehyungs heart swells a little at the simple gesture.
Yeah, he had definitely gained something better.
“Well, TaeTae, tonight we’re making Cock a Vin. It’s a braised chicken dish! As always, you can find a link to the recipe down below,” Jimin explains, his free hand gesturing downwards at the invisible link they’ll later add to the video description.
“I’m sorry, Jimin, can you run that by me again?” Taehyung stifles a giggle, struggling to keep his composure.
“Cock a Vin, Tae. It’s French.” Jimin raises a brow at Taehyung, keeping his face straight and unreadable.
“Jimin, my sweet summer child. It’s coq au vin. Like the soda.” Taehyung gives Jimin’s head a sympathetic pat, twisting away in advance seconds before a scowling Jimin lunges for him.“Babe, it’s fine. You know what you’re about. I respect that.” Taehyung gives a cheeky wink to the camera.
Jimin blushes a little, but the corners of his mouth are tugging into something dangerously close to a smile. Taehyung giggles, and soon the both of them are doubled over in laughter.
Maybe it’s a little immature, but they can’t really bring themselves to care. Taehyung quietly relishes the way Jimin flails his arms, lightly hitting him in the chest as he throws his whole body into his laughter. Taehyung thinks he could probably be happy here forever, laughing at dick jokes with Jimin.
“Can we focus, please?” Jimin’s question comes out strangled through his giggles.
Jimin’s face is red from laughing so hard and his hair is a little disheveled and all Taehyung really wants to do his kiss his cheeks all over. But they have a segment to film, and Taehyung is a professional.
He leans down, pressing his lips against Jimin’s cheek in a soft peck. Okay, one kiss. Their viewers definitely won’t mind one kiss. Jimin’s cheek is really warm. Taehyung sighs in contentment.
"Okay, boss, what do you want me to do?"
This is Jimin’s domain. He finds the recipes; Taehyung does the video editing. They're a well-oiled machine. Partners in work and play. Except for how Jimin is kind of unofficially but definitely in charge.
"Well, I'm going to cut some onions and carrots. You can get the herbs ready. We're going to be making our own bouquet garni today!"
Taehyung's nose scrunches a little. He's been doing this long enough to know that he should always be apprehensive when Jimin uses any combination of words he's never heard before.
Jimin grins, sensing his doubt and giving him a small boop on the noise."It's not a big deal. It's just a little bundle of fresh herbs tied together. It's to enhance the flavor."
"Sounds kind of like an over-glorified ramen flavor packet.."
Jimin scowls a little."Just tie the herbs together, Tae. Even we can't fuck this up. Probably." Jimin's scowl turns into a sweet smile when he turns his attention back to the camera, directing Taehyung's attention to where he's neatly laid out various piles of green herbs in a row."Just add a few parsley sprigs, a couple rosemary, and a bay leaf. Then you're just gonna tie it up with the string, and we'll throw it in with all the other goodies for flavor."
Taehyung leans closer to the camera and shifts his eyes towards Jimin conspiratorially.
"Friends. Is this or is this not just a homemade ramen packet?" He stage whispers the question, but jumps back with a yelp when Jimin gives him a hard slap on the ass. He winces, movements exaggerated as he rubs the offended spot. He gives his most convincing pout to the camera.
"Jimin, not on camera," Taehyung exclaims, hand splayed out on his chest as if he's never been more scandalized. As if he didn't kind of like it. Which he did.
“Taehyung. The herbs.” Jimin is trying his best to look cross, but his eyes are still smiley and it’s kind of distracting.
Taehyung regards the pile of greenery in front of him with a little bit of disdain and a lot of curiosity. Because, well. They all kind of look the same. “Jimin. These all literally look the same.”
Jimin looks up from his own spot at the counter, where he’s struggling to cut an onion. Horizontally. There’s uneven, jagged pieces scattered around the cutting board and the remainder of the onion looks like it’s seen better days, but. Taste over presentation, right?
Taehyung thinks they’re kind of failing in both regards.
“Tae, they don’t, you can clearly tell-” Jimin pauses. He tilts his head, appraising the herbs with what Taehyung guesses is supposed to be a critical eye.
“They all look the same.” Jimin gives Taehyung a small affirmative nod, blinks once, then goes back to unskillfully cutting his onions.
Well. One of the trademarks of a great chef is the ability to improvise, so. Taehyung starts selecting sprigs at random, bunching them all together unceremoniously into messy little bundles. This isn’t Masterchef. So what if the rosemary to parsley ratio is a little off? Worse things have happened in this kitchen.
Like the time Jimin had grabbed the salt canister instead of the sugar when they were trying to make Madeleines. Taehyung grimaces a little at the memory.One of their viewers had sent them a label maker after that one.
“Jimin.” Taehyung turns to his partner. Jimin is working on the carrots now, which seems to be going a little better than the onion. The pieces are still kind of uneven, but Jimin is really cute when he concentrates, strong brows furrowed and lips pursed in a small pout as he slices his knife through the vegetable.
Taehyung kind of wants to kiss that pout. Later.
“You look radishing tonight.” Taehyung gives a small, shit-eating grin to the camera and turns back to Jimin.
“Taehyung, you know I’m holding a knife, right?” Jimin’s voice is calm. He doesn’t even spare Taehyung a glance, keeping his eyes focused on the carrots.
Taehyung smirks at that.“Jimin, I’m trying to woo you. Please romaine calm.”
Jimin finally looks at Taehyung. His lips are quirking into a small smile. He’s cute and he’s soft and he’s also brandishing a knife in Taehyung’s direction.
Taehyung laughs, throwing his hands up in mock surrender. Jimin only pretends to hate his puns. Probably. It’s been a year, and he hasn’t gotten stabbed yet, which he’s choosing to take as a good sign.
“Okay, Jimin, what do I tie these herbs with?”
“I set out some yarn. Use that.” Jimin points to a bundle of yarn that he’s laid out with the rest of their ingredients.It’s knitting yarn. It’s also purple. And sparkly.
“Babe, this is sparkly.” Taehyung isn’t really sure whether or not that should be a point of concern.
Jimin glances up from his cutting board, briefly examining the yarn. He looks at it thoughtfully for about a second, but then he shrugs.“It’s probably fine.”
Taehyung has a brief, small, niggling feeling in the back of his mind that this may be a bad idea in some way. He quickly gets rid of that feeling. Jimin’s right. It will probably be fine.
Taehyung works quickly, tying his random herb bundles with small pieces of the yarn in messy knots. “Now what, boss?”
“Okay. Now we’re just going to throw this all in the big pot with the chicken and the herbs and it’s going to simmer itself into something edible.” Jimin grabs his cutting board full of veggies, hauling it over to the stove. He opens the lid, and a waft of steam escapes, along with the hearty scent of chicken and garlic. It smells...good. It smells like it’s probably supposed to smell. Which is a little alarming but mostly confusing.
Taehyung follows Jimin in a daze, reaching over his shoulder to drop his herb bundles into the mix. Perfectly pan fried chicken is already simmering in an aromatic broth. Taehyung’s mouth waters a little. He actually wants to eat whatever this is.
“Jimin, when did you cook the chicken?” Taehyung is confused. They never buy anything pre-made, everything is cooked from scratch and on camera.
Jimin sighs. He glances back at Taehyung a little disapprovingly.
“I didn’t. Jin did, because we’re on a poultry time-out. Because of you.” He reaches his hand back to give Taehyung a jab in the ribs.
Taehyung balks at that. Okay, there was that one time with the Chicken Marsala. It was just a little undercooked. He was trying his best.“You were there too,” he says a little petulantly, because it’s not entirely his fault that they nearly gave themselves food poisoning. After that incident, someone had sent in a meat thermometer.
They were slowly building a culinary empire of cooking supplies due to their consistent failure and concerned viewers.
Jimin hums in acknowledgement, giving the mix a few stirs. It’s smelling even better, and now, with the herbs and vegetables simmering in the mixture, it looks pretty good too.
“Jimin. Babe. This actually..I think this might actually be good?” His eyes widen in mixture of shock and elation. Edible food is kind of unexplored territory on their channel. He turns back towards the camera. “Don’t quote me on that.”
Jimin laughs at that, giving the chicken mix a final stir before putting the lid back on. “We’re just going to let this simmer a little, and then we’ll throw it in the oven.”
Taehyung takes his chance, wrapping his long arms around Jimin from behind, engulfing him in a tight back hug. He presses a kiss to the top of Jimin’s head and sighs in contentment. “Jimin, I think we really managed to not fuck it up that much this time.”
Jimin giggles, relaxing into the embrace and rubbing his hands over Taehyung’s arms. “Don’t jinx it, babe.”
Taehyung smiles, pressing light kisses into the back of Jimin’s neck. “We make a great pear, Jimin.”
Jimin snorts, turning himself in Taehyung’s arms to face him. He raises one perfect brow in thought, like he’s still deciding if he wants to punch Taehyung or kiss him.
“Get it, Jimin? Pear? Like the fruit?” Taehyung smiles, wide, boxy, and charming, and he knows Jimin can’t resist him now. He can see the endearment in his eyes. And maybe he’s taking advantage of the fact that Jimin loves him a whole lot, but puns are a pretty worthy cause.
Jimin nods, raising a hand to flick Taehyung on the nose, but his eyes are soft and fond and when he’s done he gently brushes a strand of hair off of Taehyung’s forehead, hand lingering a little longer than strictly necessary.“We can’t be this gross on camera.”
“I’m going to edit it all out anyways.” Taehyung gives Jimin a very pointed look, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. Jimin smirks, a playful gleam in his eyes, and Taehyung hopes he knows what’s coming next.
“Well, in that case..” Jimin grabs a fistful of Taehyung’s shirt, dragging him down and closing the gap between them to lightly press his lips against Taehyung’s. His lips are soft and sweet, tracing gentle kisses all over Taehyung’s own before moving up to press more against his nose and cheeks. Taehyung scrunches his nose, chasing Jimin’s lips until he finally captures them in a real kiss, their mouths slanting together just right and with just enough pressure to send a flush down Taehyung’s neck.
Jimin breaks the kiss first, pressing a final, lingering kiss to the corner of Taehyung’s mouth before pulling back.
Taehyung pouts at that. He wants more kisses.
“Jimin, you know you’re my butter half, right?” Taehyung is kind of proud of himself for coming up with that one even in his post kiss daze.
Jimin doesn’t even pretend to be angry this time, face breaking out into a full-fledged bonafide Jimin eye-smile. He laughs, knocking his head into Taehyung’s chest. Taehyung can feel the vibrations of Jimin’s giggles through his shirt and his heart skips a beat.
Jimin pulls back, resting his head on Taehyung’s shoulder and peeking over it, noting the camera they’ve conveniently ignored. Still sitting there. Still recording.
“We’re really not setting a very good example,” Jimin tuts in faux disapproval.
36 (now 37) shows. 36 impromptu makeout sessions Taehyung has edited out.
It’s been a good year.
Taehyung pulls Jimin a little closer, nuzzling his chin into his hair.“Babe, I can’t believe you’re an exhibitionist.”
Jimin snorts, bringing a hand up to pinch Taehyung’s side. “At least we didn’t defile the counter this time..” Jimin looks over at said counter. A little regretfully. A little longingly. Taehyung nods thoughtfully. He smiles a little at the memory. That was a good day.
“That was a great addition to the sexy times folder.” Taehyung’s voice is muffled in Jimin’s hair. He presses a kiss to the side of Jimin’s head, taking advantage of the closeness before they both remember that they’re here for a reason other than cuddling and making out in the middle of their kitchen.
Jimin lifts his head, looking up at Taehyung with an indignant eyebrow raised. “Taehyung. What sexy times folder?”
“You just said to edit that stuff out, Jimine. You didn’t say I had to delete it.” Taehyung leans down, pressing a soft, placating kiss to Jimin’s bottom lip.
Jimin punches him in the arm and Taehyung tries not to wince.
“I can’t believe you kept all that footage, you pervert.” Jimin’s brows furrow in what Taehyung thinks might be annoyance. He brings a hand to Jimin’s face and smooths the crease out of his forehead, an apology on his tongue, but then Jimin’s expression changes. “Can I see it?”
Taehyung bursts out laughing, throwing his head into Jimin’s shoulder and smiling into the warm skin. Jimin smells like peaches and home and Taehyung feels warm all the way to his core. The type of warmth that wraps around you like a blanket and makes you remember exactly how lucky you really are. Which he is. Taehyung is just about the luckiest guy in the world.
He nuzzles further into Jimin’s neck, etching his gratitude into his skin with kisses.
Jimin rubs his hands soothingly over Taehyung’s back, bringing a hand up to lightly scratch the small hairs on the back of his head just the way he knows Taehyung likes.
“We should probably check the chicken now, Tae.”
Taehyung gives Jimin’s neck one final nuzzle before pulling away. He’s committed to cuddling and kissing Jimin for a lifetime, but he’s also committed to their viewers.
“Time to check this bad boy out,” he speaks to the camera, addressing the audience.
He takes a step back towards the stove, raising the lid in anticipation. The entire kitchen smells like what an edible dinner probably should smell like, and Taehyung is excited to share their success with their viewers. And Jin. Here’s to all the haters who said they’d never make it. He looks into the pot, anticipating, and oh. Oh no.
“Jimin.”
Jimin looks at Taehyung questioningly, turning back around and looking into the pot as well. He lets out an affronted gasp, but then his shoulders slump, accompanied by a sigh of resignation that all of their viewers have become very familiar with.
The broth is purple. It’s purple, and there are little flecks of glitter floating around. Taehyung isn’t sure what earthly powers of fuckery could even result in this amount of failure, but then he remembers. The yarn. The purple, sparkly yarn. That they put into a pot full of food.
Taehyung gives Jimin a pointed look.
“I know, okay? I know,” Jimin grouses, pouting.
Taehyung grabs two potholders, lifting the pot and carefully bringing it over to the camera. He waits for the autofocus to hone in on the contents.“So, guys. It’s purple. And it sparkles. We made My Little Pony Coq au Vin.” He leans a little closer to the camera. “I want you all to note that this is entirely Jimin’s fault. He made me use the sparkly yarn,” he whispers.
“It just said to tie them up with string,” Jimin grumbles. His arms are crossed over his chest and he’s still pouting, a grumpy pout that Taehyung thinks is actually pretty cute. He knows better than to say that, though.
He sets their monstrosity down again, peering into the contents and shuddering. This is new. Taehyung is kind of impressed that they’re still finding new ways to ruin everything. It’s actually pretty funny.
His shoulders start shaking in silent laughter. He looks over at Jimin and smiles, letting out a giggle. Jimin’s pout starts to loosen as he fights back his own smile.
“Jimin, it’s purple.” He smiles wider, now, laughing loudly and freely, because honestly. This would only happen to them.
Jimin cracks, bursting into his own exuberant laughter. He leans into Taehyung’s side, hooking an arm around his waist and squeezing.They turn to the camera.
“Well, there you have it folks. Definitely don’t try this at home.” Taehyung addresses the camera through his laughter, rosy cheeked and wide smiled.
Jimin lets out another chuckle, wiping a tear from his eye and looking into the camera.“We love you guys! Better luck next time, right? We’ll see you soon for another episode of..”
“Whisk takers!” Jimin and Taehyung finish in unison, waving goodbye towards the camera.
Taehyung leans over, turning the recording button off. He leans on the counter with his elbows, still working through the remainder of his laughter. He turns to Jimin and smiles fondly. “Take out?”
Jimin nods, grinning from ear to ear. “The usual?”
Taehyung gives Jimin a thumbs up, reaching into his pocket for his phone. They’ve got their favorite pizza place on speed dial. Everyone there knows their names and order by heart.
“Maybe someday we’ll get it right.” He reaches over, giving Jimin’s ear a small tweak.
Jimin takes a step towards him, leaning up to nuzzle his nose against Taehyung’s.
“Ah, Tae. We’ve got all the thyme in the world.”
(A few days later, they receive a small package in their PO box: cooking twine, a gift sent in from one of their viewers.)