Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Solar leaned against her fist as she idly sat at a coffee shop table, eyes roaming over the variety of people milling about.  It was a chilly winter day and the welcome warmth of the heater and the free wifi had everyone crammed into the cozy place. 

She glanced at her watch with a sigh as the minute hand inched to 11:57.  It was always such a shame to ruin pleasant moods.  She took a long sip of her coffee, letting the bitterness pull her mind into pointed focus as the clock finally clicked to 11:57.  Standing, she fingered the brim of her large black hat, making sure it was secure on her head.  And then she reached forward just as a young man ran past her table, hair askew and shirt rumpled.

He paused as she grabbed at his wrist and she was sure he was assessing the fact that she appeared to be a small college aged girl with dark brown hair and a ridiculous black hat. 

“Excuse me?” he asked confusedly as he tried to tug from her grip.  But she merely pursed her lips together and held on tighter.

“Park Jung-ho?” she asked quietly as she pulled a slip of thick white stock paper from her pocket.  She double checked the name with a quick glance.

“Y-yes?”

“You died at 11:57 AM in a car accident.  A careless driver was texting and driving and hit you as you were crossing the street.  The collision caused mortal injury that…” Solar trailed off as she squinted at the red print on the card.  The Chinese characters which described the cause of death were not her strong suit even though she had been doing this for nearly three centuries.

Luckily the man’s hysterics allowed her to not have to get into graphic detail.

“What are you saying? Let go of me!”

“Sir, please, I’m trying to make this transition as painless for you as possible.  I would appreciate your cooperation during this time.”

“This isn’t real!” he shrieked, blatantly ignoring her measured voice.  He tried to pull away but Solar’s grip was vice-like.  After all no one could escape death.  Well more accurately one of death’s many servants, a grim reaper.

“Sir, purgatory is a necessary part of our transition from life to the afterlife and something that you shouldn't be afraid-“

Suddenly she felt her hat get knocked off with a quick hand and she was no longer invisible to human eyes.  The shock from being exposed caused her to loosen her grip just enough for Park Jung-ho to run off in a panic and Solar was helpless to only watch him leave.  She carefully scanned her surroundings, noticing with relief that everyone was so absorbed in their electronic devices or their own conversations that her sudden pop into existence was relatively unnoticed.  That made it so much easier than wiping or altering the memories of everyone in the coffee shop. 

Letting out an annoyed sigh, she bent down and picked up her felt invisibility cap, pointedly ignoring the pair of distinctive white sneakers just out of the corner of her eye.

“Did you really have to do that?” Solar muttered in annoyance, brushing at the dust caught on her hat as she sensed the figure beside her shifting.

“Sometimes things like that are the only ways I can get your attention, Ms. Grim Reaper.”

Solar rolled her eyes and glared at the person who had purposefully knocked off her hat and made her waste valuable time. 

“Goblin,” she growled as stared at the other slightly taller woman.  The goblin in question was barely a few centimeters taller than Solar, with silverfish hair and sharp brown eyes that seemed always warm with amusement.

“I told you that we’re on more friendly terms than that.  You can call me Moonbyul if you’d like.”

“I’d rather get thrown into the underworld and burn in the pits of eternal flames.”

“You grim reapers are always so cheery.  Must be why you always wear black.”

“Don’t criticize my fashion choices!” snapped Solar with a grimace, finger prodding the other girl’s shoulder.  Moonbyul sighed and held up her hands in defense.

“Alright alright, I’m sorry.  I forgot how sensitive you people are.”

Solar sighed and lowered her pointed finger, dropping her hand to her side.

“Now I have to work overtime because of you.  Stupid goblin!”

“Aren’t you happy to see me at all? I’m back after twenty years of gallivanting in the south of France and this is your way of greeting me?”

“Only twenty years? If I promise to have a better reaction the next time you return, can you leave for another one-hundred?”

Moonbyul rolled her eyes at Solar’s rude remarks and just stuffed her hands into the pockets of her grey coat, rocking on her heels.

“I missed you, Miss Grim Reaper.  It’s been so long since I’ve had such a lively conversation.  If I bought you a coffee would you be interested in entertaining me for a little while longer?”

Solar wrinkled her nose at the offer and scoffed.

“Well maybe I would have considered it if you hadn’t chased off the soul I had to collect for today.  Now thanks to you I’ll have to work overtime for sure.”

Moonbyul had the sense to look a little chastened at the words, avoiding her eye contact like a guilty puppy.

“I’m going to leave, goblin.  Don’t follow me or you’ll definitely regret it.”

“Aw, Little Reaper, don’t be so mad.  I promise I’ll try to see you soon and make all this up to you.”

Solar glared at Moonbyul one last time before tugging the hat snuggly on her head and turning away from her.  As she determinedly dashed off in search of the missing soul she couldn’t help but remember the way Moonbyul’s eyes had softened for a brief moment as Solar had left her.  They seemed lonelier than usual as they had stared hard at her face, following her as she rushed out the door and down the street.

———————————

Solar yawned as she leaned back in the hard wooden chair.  After finally catching the escaped soul and sharing the last tea with them, she stuck around the familiar tea shop which served as a purgatory for the dead.  She glanced forlornly at the thick wooden door where the last soul had walked through.  Even though she wasn’t allowed to go inside, she had gotten a glimpse of blinding light and a long winding staircase up into plush looking clouds. 

It was ironic that all grim reapers were closest to the door to the afterlife but the only beings in existence that were forbidden from passing on.  Solar sighed and reached forward and plucked the empty tea cup her latest soul had drank from.  Standing, she held it carefully in a palm as she wandered to the shelves which held each porcelain cup, individualized for every soul that had finally returned to cross through the doors of hell or heaven. 

“You finish for the day, Unnie?”

Solar smiled and waved a hand without looking up from her work.  She could hear Wheein slide into her seat, the wood of the chair squeaking against the floor.

“Just finished.”

“Isn’t it later than usual for you? When I checked earlier you weren’t here…”

Solar’s face flushed in annoyance as she walked back to the table and was greeted with the sight of Wheein’s dimpled grin, wide-brimmed hat still sitting slightly askew on the top of her head.  With a fond flourish, she plucked the felt hat from off the other girl’s head and twirled it in her hands.

“That stupid goblin came back from her trip to France.”

Wheein’s eyes widened and she gasped in delight.  The worst possible reaction to Solar’s news.

“Moonbyul-unnie returned?”

“Heavens, would you please stop calling her that? She isn’t your friend, Wheein-ah.”

Wheein was ignoring Solar’s complaint, instead pulling her cellphone from her pocket and furiously typing a text message.

“I can’t believe her! I told her the moment she got back to Korea to contact me and this is the response I get!”

“I don’t understand how you befriended that goblin.  She’s so annoying. Always messing around with our work. ”

“At least she can keep up with me when we drink,” muttered Wheein with a pointed glare.  Solar blushed as she remembered the last get together with the other Seoul-oriented grim reapers.  It involved her drinking two shots and promptly passing out for the three hour occasion.  Wheein had to drag her to her apartment, nearly collapsing under Solar’s weight.

“W-what does that even mean? You drink with her too?”

“I drink with anyone who wants to. Humans, goblins, Samshin Grandmother…”

Solar rolled her eyes.  Samshin Grandmother was the goddess of birth and fate who would alternate between looking like a wizened granny and a sexy twenty-two year old with curves, a sultry bob, and red lipstick.  Wheein liked to brag that Samshin Grandmother would approach her and have drinks when the goddess was bored. All lies obviously.

“Sure you have drinks with Samshin Grandmother, Wheein-ah.  That’s as likely as me having drinks with Moonb- I mean the goblin.”

“She’d love that, you know.  Before she left twenty years ago she told me that the reason she’d even started trying to get to know me was to get your number.  But then when I told her that you don’t even have a landline she just gave up and realized she enjoyed my irresistible company.”

“That goblin wanted my number?”

Wheein rolled her eyes and put down her phone.

“Why do you think she keeps trying to run into you and tease you so much, Unnie? Goblins like her don’t normally interact with grim reapers like us.  We’re cursed after all.  To walk the earth for all time not knowing our crimes that cursed us into this life of eternal servitude-”

Solar chucked the hat back at Wheein’s face, causing her to squeal and fall out of her chair with a crash.  Not even batting an eye in concern, she collected her coat from the back of her chair as she walked to the exit.

“Clean up after yourself, Wheein-ah, I’m going to head home now.”

“Unnie!”

———————————

Even though she technically wasn’t human, Solar still got cold like one.  With hands stuffed deep in her pockets and scarf wrapped snuggly around her neck, she braved the frigid weather as she attempted to get to the corner convenience store near her apartment.  She smiled at the old man who greeted her behind the corner as she walked over to the back row of juices.  Like most grim reapers, she was a vegetarian which unfortunately limited her options for Korean convenience store foods she could eat.  She settled on a peach drink and a bag of corn chips.  It might not be terribly tasty but at least it was cost effective.

She’d had to work overtime a lot more lately and strangely the pay for guiding souls to the after life didn’t really afford luxury.

As she walked outside, bracing for the sting of the cold someone grabbed her wrist.

“Holy shit!” she screamed, flailing in terror and falling to the ground.  Solar held her bag of food in front of her face as she waited for the end. 

Instead, when she opened her eyes she saw Moonbyul squatting in front of her. She was dressed in her signature grey coat and black scarf with an amused expression twisting her mouth into a smile.

“Did I just scare a grim reaper? I should add that to one of my many lifetime achievements in my 900 years of living.”

Solar huffed as she tried to stop the blush rising in her cheeks at the stupidly attractive way Moonbyul was smiling at her.  What an obnoxiously conceited immortal goblin!

“It’s rude to scare people like that,” Solar mumbled as she shakily rose to her feet.  She tried to casually brush off her knees and not make it appear like she had been cowering in terror minutes before.

“I don’t think death is really allowed to say that sort of thing.  But I am sorry that I scared you.  I didn’t expect you to react quite like-“

“W-well you shouldn’t just jump out and grab someone! What if you’d been a robber?”

“A robber scaring a grim reaper?” Moonbyul asked with her head cocked, obviously trying not to smile.  The look was so infuriating that Solar raised a hand and shoved at the other girl.  Instead of taking the hit, Moonbyul grabbed her wrist and tugged a little, pulling Solar in.  With a huff she was suddenly pressed against Moonbyul’s front, the only thing wedged between them being Solar’s arm held loosely by the wrist. 

Solar swallowed at the sudden close proximity as Moonbyul look down at her with an unreadable gaze. 

“I heard,” Moonbyul whispered into the small space between them with breath that steamed from the cold air, “that if a grim reaper holds the hand of a living being, they can see that person’s former life.  Is that true?”

Solar flushed at the way the other girl’s eyes seemed to glow with an intensity that she couldn’t quite name.  It was like looking at the bottom of a lake during a storm, getting glimpses of what was below but never quite the whole picture.  Sadness… desperation… worry?

“I-I… You’re just trying to get an excuse to flirt with me again!”

Moonbyul’s strange intensity faded at the comment and her mouth curled into a crooked smile as she took a step back, still loosely holding onto Solar’s wrist. 

“Is it so wrong to want to hold such a pretty girl’s hand?”

“Why are you always so greasy?”

“It gets a reaction from you, doesn’t it?”

Solar huffed and Moonbyul finally let go of her wrist.  She started walking without any explanation and annoyingly enough the other girl followed her, keeping stride easily.

“Where are you going now?”

“Home.”

“Oh.  Don’t you want to have a drink with me?”

“Why on earth would I want to have a drink with you?”

Moonbyul chuckled at that, easily slinging an arm over Solar’s shoulder without warning.

“Because I’ll pay and I won’t skimp on buying the good stuff.  Comes with amassing a fortune for 900 years.”

Solar rolled her eyes and shoved off the arm.

“Even if I wanted to drink with you-which I don’t- you should know that I’m a light-weight.”

“I can’t drink very well either.  Two to three bottles and I’m an embarrassing mess.”

“No… I can only have… well less than that amount and I fall asleep.”

“How much? One bottle?”

“… two shots.”

Moonbyul’s laughter was so obnoxiously loud that it made Solar’s face feel oppressively hot.

“I-I’m leaving and I don’t want you to follow me! Stupid goblin!”

Solar stormed off and wasn’t quite sure if she was completely thankful that Moonbyul kept her distance, her laugh still filling her ears the whole walk home.

———————————

Solar slowly poured the tea into one porcelain cup and gently placed it in front of the little girl sitting quietly across from her.  The recently departed soul was wearing her elementary school uniform although the ribbon was loosened and untied. 

It wasn’t rare for children to die.  Honestly it was more common than the passing of adults.  But this death was particularly gruesome.  Solar had a thick card with constantly changing dates on the death of a little girl who was being held in some man’s basement.  Because she was required to be there at the time of death she had to stake-out the location, patiently waiting in the corner as the child whimpered pathetically for her parents for days, eventually succumbing to strangulation and not the original torture method that had been on the card at first. 

Solar was thankful that for once this work was slightly merciful to her psyche. 

“Who are you?” the girl asked.

Solar smiled as she glanced down into the liquid of her own tea cup.

“Do you not know?”

“I-I think I do.  Did that man kill me? Am I dead?”

Solar glanced up and saw tears well in the girl’s eyes.  She managed a half smile and gently reached across the table and put her hand on top of the girl’s smaller one.

“Drink your tea before it gets cold, Jinhee-ah.  It’ll make you feel a little better.”

The traditional sharing of tea with the grim reaper and the departed soul was a means of giving the world wearied individual a rest before the ultimate journey to the afterlife.  But it also served the purpose of erasing the memory of the human’s old life in order to remove the pain of the past for the fresh start of the future.  Solar imagined that this girl would be reincarnated and given a new life to make up for this one’s horrible end.

If the gods were merciful.

She watched with a smile as Jinhee nodded through her sniffles and sipped slowly at her tea, cheeks coloring with the warmth of the brew. 

“You were very brave, Jinhee-ah.” 

“I was really scared.”

Solar felt something dark and angry tug at her chest and she resisted the urge to do something about the negative emotions. 

“He can’t hurt you anymore.  I promise.”

Jinhee finally finished her tea and nodded slowly, carefully placing the porcelain cup back on the saucer. 

“Will I see my mommy and daddy again?”

Solar decided to settle for a half truth. 

“Maybe.  But first you have to go through the door and go all the way up the stairs.  You’ve been such a good girl.  Can you do that last thing for me?”

Jinhee nodded and hopped off her chair, following Solar’s finger to the thick wooden door.

“Thank you for all your help, Unnie.  I’ll see you later.”

Solar got up and helped open the heavy door for Jinhee, carefully turning her head from the unbearably bright light of heaven as the little girl slipped away into paradise.  Sharply exhaling, she let the door slam shut and sunk to the floor.  She snatched the black felt hat off her head with a half snarl and practically screamed into her hands.

She knew she wasn’t quite like all the other grim reapers.  Maybe her sins that she couldn’t remember from her past life had been so great that not only was she stuck doing work for eternity but she also was stuck with enough empathy to feel pain and suffering for each lost life she had to witness.  Some of them were easier to bear like car crashes or grannies that died peacefully in their sleep.  But others like this. Senseless killings and the death of innocence.  It made it too much to bear at times.

“Ms. Grim Reaper?”

Solar noisily wiped at her tears with a few sniffles as she failed at trying to compose herself.  That stupid goblin was standing in the doorway from earth, the light catching from the sun and making her hair an almost bluish grey. 

“Why are you here? This place is sacred for the deceased.”

Moonbyul just gave her a half smile as she took a few steps forward, letting the door swing shut behind her so that they were the only ones in purgatory. 

“Were you crying?” she asked, her voice uncharacteristically soft.  It tugged at something in Solar’s chest and she didn’t like how weak it made her feel.

She just shrugged at the question as she stood, rubbing at her eyes one last time for good measure.

“It doesn’t matter.  Just another dead person with a sob story.”

“Seems like it wasn’t just any sob story.”

“Why does it matter to you? You’ve been gallivanting around the world for 900 years like some kind of god.  Things like that shouldn’t even bother you anymore.”

Solar glared down at the table as she started to clear the tea cups.  When she looked up at Moonbyul, she was surprised to see the girl’s eyes sharp as if Solar had insulted her.

“You think my life has been a gift?”

“You get to live forever with indescribable riches and success at your fingertips.  You’re like a god, giving people blessings and curses as you choose.  How can I not view that as a gift from heaven?”

“Every year,” Moonbyul murmured almost wearily as she plopped down into the wooden seat saved for the dead, “I visit the graveyard of those who served me.  Do you know how many bodies are in that graveyard over the span of 900 years?  Do you know how many people I have loved and lost in that span of time? How much suffering I’ve witnessed?  How much pain I’ve felt?”

Solar grit her teeth at how the display of anguish affected her.  She hated how she identified with the pain in Moonbyul’s voice and felt a connection to her own thoughts. 

“So your transformation into a goblin is a curse?”

“Imagine living for eternity with the memories of all the sins you committed.  At least you don’t remember what you did to become a grim reaper.  But I remember with stupidly clear detail exactly what I did to end up as a goblin.”

Solar tilted her head a little and Moonbyul’s brown eyes seemed to burn into hers with their intensity.  She didn’t quite know why she was so persistent with engaging the goblin and nosing around her business.  Maybe it was the rawness of the departed soul encounter that left her feeling so vulnerable that Moonbyul’s intrusion made her want to receive Solar’s pain.  Maybe it finally made her try to engage with the goblin as more than the usual sharp barbs and flirty remarks.  Whatever the reason she felt the darkness inside her swell and she couldn’t stop her next question.

“Do you regret your sins?”

Moonbyul scoffed, glancing down at her hands with a quiet sigh.  The silence seemed to fill the room with a tension, and Solar felt herself on edge for the answer as if some part of her had a stake in the reply. 

And then Moonbyul looked up at her with that infuriating half smile.

“It’s ironic that you of all people are asking me that question.  But honestly… I damned my soul for love.  And no matter how cruel this existence has been, I know in my heart that I wouldn’t have been able to do anything else.”

Solar didn’t realize she was crying until she licked her lips and tasted salt.  Moonbyul just watched impassively as she discreetly turned and wiped at her eyes.

“Did my words move you?” she inquired quietly in a strange voice almost breathy with expectation. 

“I don’t quite know why.  I guess I’ve never heard someone talk about their past like that before.”

“Are you a romantic, Ms. Grim Reaper?”

“Solar.”

“Hm?”

She licked her lips and stared determinedly at Moonbyul’s shoulder in order to not see that stupid goblin’s huge grin.

“You can call me Solar.  It’s obviously not my true name but it makes it easier for communication if you didn’t call me Ms. Grim Reaper all the time.”

“A grim reaper who named herself after the sun.  How original.”

“This is why I didn’t bother telling you my name in the first place,” Solar practically whined with an eye roll.  Moonbyul just smiled back at her, leaning into her hand.  The look she was giving her made Solar feel almost special, like those eyes could only look at her like that. 

“Well since you’re letting me call you by your name, I suppose I should also extend the favor.”

“I already know your name though.  Moonbyul.  How should I say it? Moonbyul-ssi?”

Moonbyul made a strange noise and she looked hungrily at Solar.

“Could… could you call me Byul-ah? Just once, please.”

Normally Solar would have rejected the request but there was something about the desperation in Moonbyul's eyes that made her feel almost guilty in contemplating refusing the favor.

“Byul-ah.”

Moonbyul’s grin was almost pathetically embarrassing, making her nose crinkle and her eyes shrink to half moon crescents.  The reaction almost made Solar smile. Almost. 

“Who knew that a name could make someone so happy.”

“It’s because it’s you who’s saying it.”

“And why does me saying it matter?”

For a moment Moonbyul seemed conflicted about saying something, her tongue caught between her teeth as a means of stopping a potential flow of words.  She pensively dragged a fingertip along the smooth surface of the table before looking up at Solar.

“Because you’re pretty.”

Solar shivered because even after Moonbyul had bid her goodbyes with an excuse of some business in Seoul and she was left alone… those words warmed her ears even more than the sweetest confession of love. 

Chapter Text

“And so I said, ‘Samshin Grandma, you need to stop with such flattering words or I’ll get the wrong ideas’ and she said-“

“You don’t have to keep lying about having met her,” muttered a bored Grim reaper before taking a big gulp of beer.

Solar tried to stop her smile as she saw Wheein practically bare her teeth at the other man like a mad puppy. 

“One day I’m going to introduce her to you and you’re gonna feel so stupid when I’m right and you’re wrong!”

Solar reached forward and placed a hand on Wheein’s shoulder, stopping the tipsy girl from starting a fight. 

“Unnie, why did you make me come here?”

“Because it’s our monthly mandatory Grim reaper drinking party.”

“But the more senior grim reapers always get us too drunk and then make all of us underlings pay!”

Wheein emphatically gestured at the end of the long table at the senior grim reapers who had little by little started to leave, putting their invisible caps on and disappearing into the night.

“Well I guess we just have to not be the last ones to leave then.”

“But I want to drink more, Unnie!”

Solar rolled her eyes.  The work they all did was tough and she knew that most of her colleagues would be considered alcoholics if they weren’t all technically dead…But still!  Couldn’t Wheein control her love for alcohol just a bit better?

“Fine, I’ll pour you a shot of soju.”  Solar reached for the shot glass and green bottle when the other girl’s hand clamped on her wrist.  She gulped and glanced at Wheein’s wandering eyes and too wide grin. 

“Unnie, it makes me look bad if I drink alone! Drink with me please… or I’ll shot gun the entire bottle!”

“Well it wouldn’t kill you if you did that.”

“Unnie!”

“Also there’s a ton of people here.  Can’t you drink with them?”

Wheein batted her eyes like the question was some sort of insult.  Then she sniffled and began to sadly pour her own shot, grabbing the soju bottle with a swift hand.

“Unnie doesn’t love me so she’s making me drink alone…”

“Wheein-ah…”

“Unnie…”

Solar let out a big sigh and glanced down at her empty bowl of tofu soup.  She may have done some horrible sin in her past life but she certainly still had a soft heart. 

“Alright, alright. Just one shot.”

Solar should have known better when she watched on as Wheein giddily took a shot of soju and plopped it into a nearly full glass of beer. She definitely wasn’t going to have just one shot.

———————————

Solar woke up with her cheek hot against the cool wood of the table and a stern hand shaking her awake.

“Hey, your friends left! Aren’t you going to pay for all of this?”

“Huh? What?”

Solar’s eyes fluttered open and she could still feel the effects of the alcohol when she jerked up too quickly.  Glancing quickly to her left and right, she realized that none of her fellow grim reapers were there except for her.  Even Wheein was gone. And there was no way that Solar had enough money to cover the pile of bottles, fried chicken, and beer pitchers. 

If she sold her soul to a loan shark, it wouldn’t be too bad since she was technically dead, right?

“I can pay for her.”

Solar squinted as she saw someone a little blurry come into her line of vision, grey coat on and dark pants.  Silver hair? That must mean…

“Oh god anyone but her!” groaned Solar loudly as she burrowed her face in her hands.  If she couldn’t see Moonbyul then maybe she’d disappear. How did this girl even find her?

“Solar-ssi,You should have called instead of having Wheein contact me on your behalf. I thought we’d be on better terms than this. We even had an amicable coffee date last week.”

Solar just let out an obnoxious sigh.  She settled for burying her face in her arms, pointedly ignoring the sound of Moonbyul sliding her credit card and signing for the obscene amount of purchases. 

“We’re closing soon so you should tell your friend to get out of here.”

“Alright. Thank you.”

Solar pretended she was one of the pitchers on the table.  Maybe if she was one of those, no one would notice she was there.  Like when she was wearing her invisibility hat.

“Solar-ssi?”  A warm hand gently squeezed her shoulder.

“You can’t see me,” Solar muttered through grit teeth.

“Well I don’t see how that’s possible.  You’re so pretty that I couldn’t not see you.”

“Would you stop saying stuff like that?!” Solar lurched up, eyes blazing as she glared up at Moonbyul.  Even though things were still a little hazy, Moonbyul was close enough that she could see the bits of amber and almost gold in her eyes as she tilted her head a bit in amusement like Solar was the funniest thing in the world.

The warm hand on her shoulder gave a gentle squeeze.

“I’ll stop saying things like that if you let me take you back to your apartment.”

Solar squinted at Moonbyul, sizing up how on earth she could trust a goblin.

Moonbyul rolled her eyes.

“I can hear you, you know.”

Goblins were mind readers?

“No you’re just drunk and saying everything you’re thinking. No filter.”  Moonbyul’s fond smile came back and Solar couldn’t help but sit up and reach for the other girl’s face.  Thoughtlessly she messed up those stupidly perfect bangs. 

“I don’t know why you’re so persistent about falling me around like some sort of puppy,” she muttered as she sat back and looked at Moonbyul’s messed up hair with a grin. 

The other girl just sighed and with a few shakes the hairs fell back into place. Of course.

“I can’t make myself stay away.”

“Oh god if you say another greasy thing again I’m going to throw up.”

“Well if you let me take you back to your apartment, then I’ll stop bothering you.”

Solar sighed and rested her head on her arms like a pillow, squinting at the strangely reasonable Moonbyul.

“I don’t want you to stop bothering me forever though. Just no more greasy comments.”

Moonbyul’s mouth twitched at that and she reached forward, just grazing the top of Solar’s head with tentative fingertips.

“You don’t want me to leave you, hm?”

Solar yawned.  Things were getting blurry again and she just wanted to sleep.

“Sometimes.  When you’re not… being annoying.”

“Well that’s… good to know.  But Solar-ssi, do I have your permission to get you out of this restaurant as comfortably as possible?”

“… sure.”

And suddenly Solar was pulled from the edges of sleep by surprisingly strong arms supporting her back and legs.  Her eyes snapped open and she wrapped her arms around Moonbyul’s neck as she squealed.

She tried to pointedly ignore how she instinctually burrowed her face into Moonbyul’s neck as she felt the other girl stride right out of the restaurant as if she was as light as a feather. 

“What are you doing? What if someone see us?”

Solar glared at the side of Moonbyul’s face but she was just smiling as she looked up at the night sky. 

“I haven’t carried a woman like this in a very long time.”

She blinked as she felt an unfamiliar burning urge to make Moonbyul simultaneously talk more about this woman and also shut up about it.  Solar settled for yawning and resting her face against the warmth of Moonbyul’s neck, letting the rhythmic steps of the other girl begin to lull her back to sleep.  But she couldn’t help the curiosity that teased her despite her closed eyelids. 

She’d blame the alcohol.

“How long?”

“Hm?”

“H-how long since you’ve carried a woman like this?”

Even though her eyes weren’t open, she could hear the practically smug smile in Moonbyul’s voice.

“I’m not used to you prying about my past.”

“I’m not prying! Just… making conversation. Since we’re becoming friends and all.”

“Friends?” Solar could hear the undeniable teasing tone in Moonbyul’s voice.  She chanced to open an eye and saw the other girl looking down at her with a lopsided grin.  The proximity and the warmth made Solar a little dizzy so she turned her face back into Moonbyul’s neck. 

“Almost nine hundred years.”

“O-oh.” Solar hated how she felt unmistakable relief flood her.

“I think you’re heavier than she was though.”

She slapped at Moonbyul’s shoulder, causing the other girl to stagger off a bit to the right and run into a wall.  Solar tried to ignore how she had turned to make sure her back hit the building instead of Solar’s legs. 

“Ouch, if you treat me like that I’ll just have to drop you,” Moonbyul growled.  But there was some part of Solar that knew it was all in jest.  Instead Moonbyul just leaned her back against the building wall, holding Solar tightly bridal style, with the strangest look in her eyes.  She swallowed at the intensity of the gaze and without thinking she blurted out the first question that came to mind.

“What happened to that girl?  The one you carried?”

Moonbyul’s jaw clenched and Solar instantly regretted the question.  Those light eyes grew dark and the warm grip holding her tightened.  Her gaze was unbearably intense but Solar couldn’t stand to look away.  So she stubbornly bit her lip and looked right back.

“How do people get turned into goblins?” Moonbyul asked levelly, not betraying a flicker of emotion.

Solar swallowed.  Even though she definitely wasn’t sober she felt that her response to this question was very important.  Attempting to compose herself, she raised her chin a bit in almost defiance. 

“They anger heaven so much so that they can no longer be unnoticed.”

“I was such a monster that it was impossible for heaven to not look at me. Covered in sin, I can hardly imagine how heaven let me go on for so long. Murdering as much as I did.”

There was a trace of bitterness, shattering Solar’s perception of the goblin as an easy-going, almost careless god.  The brittle tone aged Moonbyul’s voice in such a way that she almost felt guilty for saying anything. 

“So it was expected for someone such as myself to become the thing I am now.  Forbidden from death and forced to walk the earth for all eternity.”

Moonbyul suddenly pushed off from the wall and began walking again, the measured and deliberate footsteps causing Solar to rest her head against the crook of Moonbyul’s neck. 

“That girl.  Who was the last girl I held for centuries… she committed a terrible crime that heaven deemed even worse than mine.”

Even though Moonbyul was no longer looking at Solar, the burning gaze she was giving their surroundings made her tongue feel heavy and reluctant to ask more questions.

But some part of her was insatiably curious.

“What crime did she commit?”

Moonbyul sighed, her warm breath cracking around them in the cool air of winter.

“Her great sin was that she loved a monster,” her voice dropped at the words, like they hurt her to say.  “She reached out and held onto that monster until death was the only thing that could pull them both apart.”

So she was dead, Solar thought.  The realization for some reason made her feel strangely guilty. 

“At least,” she found herself saying, “she is in paradise now.”

Moonbyul glanced down at her, slowing her walk.  Maybe it was the dim lighting of only the skyline and poor street lights, but it almost looked like there were tears in her eyes.

“No, heaven torments her still.  I think the gods cannot stand for the world to be imbalanced.  For good to love evil and for evil to love good.”

“M-moonbyul-ssi, I-“

“We’re at your building.”

Solar blinked in surprise because they definitely should not have been there that quickly by foot.

“I messed with time a little bit just so that we could get to your place quickly.  And not deal with people.”

She nodded slowly.  Gently Moonbyul placed her on the ground, steadying her with a hand on Solar’s shoulder.

“I should get going.  Drink plenty of water and get some rest, Solar-ssi.”

“I will. A-and Moonbyul…”

The other girl tilted her head curiously as her voice trailed off nervously.

“Thank you for… answering my questions.  You didn’t have to.  And if I had my memories about my past, I would have shared them with you as well.  I feel bad that I couldn’t do you that service.”

Moonbyul’s mouth twisted into a sardonic smile and she squeezed Solar’s shoulder one last time before taking a step back.

“I think I have enough memories for the both of us, Solar-ssi.  It’s no trouble.”

Solar thought about the terribly lonely smile Moonbyul had given her long after she had left into the night.

———————————

The day was so cold that Solar ached as she sat down at the bus stop.  She fidgeted with the envelope in her hand, examining its contents with a sigh.  It was a rather typical death.  Old lady dying of old age at an old bus stop.  How quaint.  Albeit morbid. 

Solar glanced at the old lady in question, smiling serenely as she seemed to be waiting for someone.  She wondered idly if beneath the kind exterior the woman had done any dreadful things that made her deserving of being a grim reaper.  Sin was something that no one could see but the heavens. 

“It’s not polite to stare.”

Solar blinked in surprise and looked up at a woman with a short dark bob and bright red lipstick.  Even though the weather was more than chilly, her legs were bare except for a thick fur coat that brushed just above mid-thigh.  The other woman caught her looking her up and down with an arched eyebrow and Solar turned to look straight ahead.

“I wasn’t staring,” she muttered, ignoring the rising blush warming her cheeks.

“Then you were thinking.”

“Yes.”

“That’s a dangerous thing to do.”

Solar glanced at the woman who had moved closer, smiling as she leaned against the side of the bus stop with her shoulder.  Solar started to scoot over to let her have room to sit, but she just shook her head.

“I’m not getting on this bus,” the woman replied, still grinning.  Solar wasn’t used to getting smiled at.  It still made her skin crawl that Wheein as a grim reaper would grin all the time like some sort of fool.  Having this weird lady doing the same thing was even worse.

“Oh, I see.”

“Do you resent your job?”

Solar snapped her head toward the woman at the question.

“What?”

“I said, ‘Do you resent your job?’  You seem unhappy and by the looks of it, it isn’t because of a bad relationship.”

“It may be a little bit of both,” Solar replied without much thought.  “B-but I think I deserve the job I have.  I must.”

The woman crossed her arms over her chest and she leaned closer, making her scoot back.

“I like that about you.  You don’t make excuses for the predicament you’re in.  There always are reasons for the will of heaven.”

And Solar just stared at the weird woman, her skin crawling with the strange feeling she had as those warm brown eyes looked at her with unfamiliar understanding.  She didn’t realize her eyes were wet until the woman pulled a handkerchief from her pocket and gently placed it in Solar’s lap.

“Good luck on your work today.  Also fix your hat, it’s a little crooked.”

Solar thanked the woman as she walked off, tilting her black hat little but then she realized.  Humans shouldn’t be able to see her if she was wearing her hat.  But then…

She turned to see the woman but she was gone.  As if she never had been there. 

“Weird,” she muttered with a shiver.  Her mind flashed to Wheein’s description of what Samshin Grandmother supposedly looked like and she shook her head vigorously in denial. There was no way she had just met a goddess.  No way at all!

She nervously glanced at her watch and was relieve that it was finally time to pick up her soul.  Time couldn’t have been more at her side.  Solar picked up the card and turned to finish her job.

———————————

Solar wasn’t even surprised when she walked out of the convenience store and saw Moonbyul leaning against a lampost, hands deep in her pockets and a cheeky grin twisting her lips.

“You can just contact me like a civilized person instead of stalking me,” sniffed Solar, hiding her smile by pretending to look down and check the groceries in her bag.

“I wasn’t stalkin’ ya.”

She frowned at the words.  Solar realized as she stepped closer that the other girl’s eyes were glossy and her cheeks were a bit red.

“Wait, are you drunk? Did you find me so that I could take care of you?”

Moobyul just shrugged with a laugh, ducking her silver head in embarrassment.

“I just wanted to see you.  Didn’t get to see ya the past few days.”

Solar didn’t try to hide her smile as she reached forward and with her free hand and grabbed Moonbyul’s wrist.

“You’re a silly goblin,” she muttered, brushing her thumb over her warm pulse point.

Moonbyul looked up then and with a careless pull Solar was so close that their foreheads were almost brushing. 

“I am a fool. I do the same stupid thing over and over again.  For too many lifetimes.”

“And yet you’re still charming.”

“As long as I charm you, I’m satisfied.”

Solar smiled then, ducking her head and looking down as Moonbyul carefully pulled her wrist from Solar’s hand.  Before she could register the loss of contact, the other girl was tightly gripping her hand, threading their fingers together like it was the most natural thing in the world.  Solar would let her do this.  She could blame the alcohol for Moonbyul’s rashness.  But what could she blame for herself as she squeezed Moonbyul’s hand and took half a step forward, leaning into the other woman’s warmth. 

It left Solar a little breathless.  She had always felt a slight pull to Moonbyul for the years that she had known her.  But she had never let herself get close like this.  Never had she given into what she had felt.  But was it so wrong to finally give in, she thought, as Moonbyul looked down at her with eyes filled with warmth and not a shred of loneliness.  Some part of Solar felt relief that she was the one who had that effect on her. 

They had created a small romantic scene, Solar realized.  Although they weren’t quite embracing under the dirty street lamplight, they still shared each other’s warmth, connected by their held hands.   It was intimate in a strangely vulnerable way.  Something Solar was definitely not used to.

Suddenly she felt something fall into her hair. She glanced up and saw little flecks of white drift down from the sky.

“Is it snow?” she asked the night quietly, very aware that while she looked up, Moonbyul stared at her.

“No,” the goblin replied with a slight slur.  “They’re flower petals.”

Solar’s eyes widened as Moonbyul pointed up and she saw a nearby tree in spring bloom, lush pinkish petals turned silvery white by the dark night sky.

“But that’s impossible.  It’s winter.”

“I thought you would like these flowers.  So I waited out here to show them to you.  But it seems they wanted you to notice them before I could tell you.  Must be because you’re so pretty.”

“You’re making my head bigger with all these compliments.  Silly goblin.”

Moonbyul laughed and tugged at Solar again but she stood still, pulling her hand free and cupping a few petals in her palm. 

“I love this type of flowers.”

“I know.”

“How would you know? Have you really been stalking me?”

“I’m… I…”  Moonbyul seemed helplessly tongue-tied and Solar couldn’t quite decide if she felt amused or slightly smug.

“Yes?”

Solar smiled at her again and even though they weren’t standing in each other’s space like earlier, there was something special about this moment.  It made her grateful that time was slowed.  It was a world for just her and Moonbyul.

“You’re pretty.  You’re so pretty.”

Solar didn’t have the heart to tease or pretend to act annoyed.  Because the way Moonbyul choked out the words, hands now tightly gripping the lampost she was leaning against, made Solar think of a helpless declaration of love.

“Moonbyul-ssi…”

The goblin ducked her head, laughing again almost saldy.  Like she was in pain.

“Can I ask you something, Solar-ssi?”

“Yes.”

“If I asked you to go on a date with me, would you?”

Solar blinked slowly. 

“A grim reaper. And a goblin? Going on a date?”

Moonbyul nodded sincerely, seeming to try to maintain eye contact despite how drunk she was.

“Today… today is the anniversary of the death of that girl I told you about.  So I got drunk as I always do.  And I thought that I would be alone all day.  But I couldn’t get you out of my mind.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stay away from you.  I realized that you’re in my heart now, Solar-ssi.”

Moonbyul swallowed hard as she dropped her gaze, her tongue wetting her lower lip.

“Even though I loved that girl from the past… I want to get to know you.  The girl for my future.”

“Moonbyul-ssi, but we-“

“I’m tired of heaven making things harder for me.  Just because we have been forced to live the lives we do now, why can’t we have a shred of happiness? What punishment can heaven give us again for trying to be happy together?”

Solar tried to process everything that was happening at once.  Moonbyul, a goblin who had apparently murdered so many people that heaven could no longer turn a blind eye to her crimes, was asking her, a grim reaper who had sinned so greatly that her memory was erased and she was forced to collect the souls of the dead, were going to go on a date. 

Hadn’t they already been punished before? What more could be done to them?

“You’ll still have to woo me.”

Moonbyul jerked up in surprise as Solar took a step forward with a determined set to her jaw.

“I’ll go out on a date with you but you can’t be too greasy.  And you have to impress me. Take me out on a nice date with… steak… and pull open the door for me and all that stuff.”

“Proper courtship?” Moonbyul asked with a little giggle. 

Solar resolutely nodded as she grabbed at the lapel of the other girl’s peacoat, rubbing the stiff wool between her fingers.

“You’ll have to bring me flowers.  And you can’t make a short cut and just make the flowers come from some tree.”

“You’re pretty demanding for a first date.”

“Just feel lucky I said yes.”

And Moonbyul placed her hand over Solar’s, a grin twisting her mouth as they gazed at each other.

“I’m the luckiest girl in the world.”

———————————

Wheein watched the scene unfold in front of her like some sort of Korean drama.  Standing under the light of a street lamp with flower petals in their hair and hands touching.  Faces red with matching blushes.  Smiles wide and hopeful.

“It’s sad,” she muttered.

“I know.”

“It’s crazy how they find each other and make the same mistakes over again and again. Must be frustrating to have to watch this.”

“It’s the most frustrating job in the world.”

Wheein smiled and glanced over at the young looking goddess whose red lips were pursed in concentration. 

“Do you want to get a drink or something? Maybe it’d get rid of some of your stress?”

“It’s funny how you always try to take care of me when I should be taking care of you.”

“More the reason for me to mother you every once in awhile.”

Wheein reached over and gently linked arms with Samshin Grandmother.

“Let’s let these doomed lovers be not so doomed for a little while longer.”

Chapter Text

Moonbyul exhaled, enjoying the crisp way the sharp cold felt like needles against her face.  The weather was overcast with the sky a light grey and snow gently falling down, bring the temperature even lower than usual.  But she was all smiles.  She was going on a date with Solar, after all.

She glanced at her watch.  Only an hour until she would be picking up the other girl in her car.  She grinned again as she stuffed her hand in her coat pocket and happily walked into the floral shop.  She had spent a long time the night before researching the top five flower sellers in Seoul and had been individually visiting each store and examining bouquets for the majority of the day.

Moonbyul was too excited to be embarrassed that she was nearly 1000 years old and she was getting nervous about a date.

But, she thought as the bell attached to the door jingled, it was Solar.  She was going on a date with her.

Brushing at her bangs with a quick hand, she glanced around the store curiously, looking for a staff member.

“Hello?” she asked tentatively, knocking lightly on the front desk.  She peered into the back room but it was too dark to see anyone.  With a sigh she glanced around at the lush array of flowers, smiling as she saw some bright yellow sunflowers in the back.  The colors were so vibrant that she couldn’t help but think about the moment when Solar had smiled up at her, so close that they were sharing a breath as a shower of flowers gently fell down.

“How romantic.”

Moonbyul glanced up and saw a woman enter the room with a finger wave, red lips pulled back in an almost feral smile.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re here to buy flowers?  I think that’s so romantic.”

Moonbyul swallowed, trying to ignore the strange feeling of nervousness as she stuffed her hands in her pockets with a nod.

“Yeah… I was looking for something bright and beautiful.  I’m amazed the flowers here are so fresh since it’s in the middle of winter!”

“We have a greenhouse out in the suburbs that we use to grow all sorts of flowers. Rain, snow, or shine.”

“Well that’s very dedicated of you…” Moonbyul glanced down at the woman’s name tag briefly, “Hwasa-ssi.”

“Only the best for our customers,” Hwasa replied with another grin.  She pulled up on her black apron’s shoulder strap although the thin strip did nothing to hide her noticeably bare shoulders. 

“Aren’t you cold?”

“I’m warm with the love of romantics such as yourself.  Bringing flowers on a date is a practice that I’m happy to see hasn’t gone out of style.”

“I feel the same.”

They shared a brief smile as Hwasa began to grab shears and a roll of thick butcher paper.

“So, the way this works is I make a bouquet based on your description of the person you’re giving these to.  You can give me your input on the arrangement as we go along but I hope you can put some trust in me.”

Moonbyul smiled at the words, resting her arms on the front desk as Hwasa looked right at her with a friendly eyebrow arch.

“Sounds great.”

“Well then, tell me about this person you’re going on a date with.”

Moonbyul laughed, glancing down at her sleeve and picking at the frayed wool.

“My date is… an extraordinary person.  Like sunshine.  They… when this person smiles I can’t look away.  I want them to smile forever.”

“You want this person to always be happy? Have you know this person for a long while?”

“We’ve known each other for a long time but she doesn’t remember the first time we met.”

Hwasa made a thoughtful noise as she began to grab an array of flowers to lay on the butcher paper, shaking the excess water from their stems with an expert flick of the wrist.

“How old were you when you two first met?”

“Fifteen.  Well I was technically fifteen.  They were sixteen.”

“Ah young love.  It must have been brief for this person to not remember you now.”

“I suppose our encounter was brief in the grand scheme of things.”

Moonbyul looked up and tried to not make her expression as wistful as she felt.  She had spent far too long thinking of the past to let herself get sucked back into it again.  Her bloody and melancholy past.

“Do you remember what was the first thing you said to each other?”

“Well, we didn’t get a chance to speak to each other that time.  My parents and their mother made it hard to talk.  I was very shy and they were even shyer.  I think I only looked up at them twice.  To say hello and to say goodbye.”

“How adorable.  I can’t imagine you doing something like that now.”

“They make me feel young and shy like a teenager whenever I see them,” Moonbyul confessed shamelessly, watching curiously as Hwasa pulled a clump of small whitish pink flowers out of the display.  She recognized them but she forgot the name.

“What are those called?”

“Spice Viburnum.  They’re from the viburnum family and this type only grows in Korea.  They smell wonderful.  There is a sad story about why these flowers are white with bits of red on them, though.”

“Oh? A flower myth? I don’t hear those too often.”

Hwasa shrugged a bare shoulder as she put on a pair of circular glasses from the breast pocket of her apron.  Carefully she began to snip at the stems.

“This story is from Goryeo. Nearly a thousand years ago.”

Moonbyul stilled but kept her eyes trained on Hwasa’s skilled hands sorting trough the flowers and tenderly placing each stem on the butcher paper.

“There is the story of a fierce soldier who had notoriety in the kingdom as the best swordsman in the whole land.  All feared him for as long as he held a sword in his hand, his enemy always perished.  But this scary soldier had one weakness.  His beautiful wife.”

A chill went through Moonbyul as she slowly tipped her head back and gazed at Hwasa’s face.  But the other woman was still concentrating on the arrangement.

“His beautiful wife was a princess who was the king’s half sister.  She was loved dearly by the king but even more dearly by this soldier.  Did you know that when she heard he was returning from war she would stand outside their house the whole day and wait for him?  Once she even held him in her arms, the blood and grime of battle staining her beautiful clothes.”

Moonbyul’s mouth was dry as she scrutinized the woman before her, face warm with a mixture of anger and terror.

“But this beautiful lady, this kind princess had one weakness.  Despite how strong and good her warrior husband was, she could not escape the intrigue of the palace.  And even though her former ties with her half brother, the king, were once good, the king became suspicious of all his relatives.  Including his once beloved half sister.  And so, while the soldier was returning from battle, this lovely woman was subject unknowingly to the wrath of the mad king.  In a fit of rage he stabbed her with his sword and stormed the palace, going on a killing spree.”

“Please… please stop,” Moonbyul whispered, not even trying to hide the tears that trickled out of her eyes.  Finally Hwasa looked up at her and her mouth twisted into something resembling an apologetic smile.  But she kept going.

“And so in the palace courtyard, the general, looking to help with the civil unrest of the capital, found his beloved slain at the palace steps, her blood staining her beautiful silk clothes.”

Moonbyul let out a shuddering breath as she closed her eyes and remembered the warm stickiness of blood.  And those brown eyes so sad but so loving.

“The general was mad with grief as he scooped up his dying wife in his arms and tried to run to get her to the royal physicians.  But his bride knew that there was no hope for her.  So she asked him to grab her a handful of these Spice Viburnum flowers, as a last token of their love.  And her dying blood gave these flowers the color they have today.”

A pained whimper escaped Moonbyul’s mouth as she locked eyes with Hwasa who had neatly finished wrapping the flowers, tying the butcher paper together with a light blue silk ribbon.  The same color as the clothes she had worn as Moonbyul held her, dying with a smile and those stupid flowers clutched loosely to her chest.

“Who on earth are you?”

“Shouldn’t I ask who you are, General Moon Byulyi?  The scared girl who had to pretend to be a man for her father’s honor?  The scourge of the barbarians constantly knocking at Goryeo’s borders?  The woman who’s only good thing about her was the pure love she had for her wife? Or the goblin, punished for the murder of thousands and the catalyst for political unrest and the murder of your beloved’s half brother, the king?”

Moonbyul snarled and easily conjured her sword from thin air, time freezing still as she rested the sharp blade against the underside of Hwasa’s jaw.

“I asked… who are you?”

Hwasa just gave another infuriating smile and rested her hand against the blade.  With her free hand she slid the bouquet toward Moonbyul.

“All those things I told you just now were a lie, General.  We both know that even though that’s how you remember it, history was nothing like that.  You were no horrifying monster and she was no perfect martyr. There is a reason heaven is punishing her.  And her sin is just as bad as yours.”

“Does it matter? If I remember it this way, doesn’t it become the truth?”

With a flick of Hwasa’s wrist the sword exploded into dust.  Moonbyul gaped, dumbfounded at her empty hand.

“I guarantee, Moon Byulyi, that I as the goddess, Samshin Grandmother, see you.  I know your heart and I also know that girl’s.  Please think carefully before you pursue her again.”

“Samshin Grandmother… I,” Moonbyul licked her lips as she reached forward and grabbed the bouquet.  The goddesses eyes seemed incredibly disappointed as she pulled them from the desk and held the flowers loosely at her side.

“I can’t stop loving her.  Even if know she can’t remember the past we shared, I can’t stop trying to be with her.  Heaven was cruel to us once.  Do you have to be cruel again?”

“Moon Byulyi, even still you delude yourself?”

“It’s not delusion if it is my truth.”

Samshin Grandmother sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.  Those vibrant red lips twisted at the corners in admiration or exasperation.

“She’s going to be up for renewal as a grim reaper soon.  She’ll be given an opportunity to remember her old memories if she wants to.  Maybe you can finally hear her side of the story and stop putting all of the suffering and blame on yourself.”

“It’s her choice.  If there were reasons that she doesn’t wish to suffer the pain of remembering, I will not force her.  Have a good rest of your day, Hwasa-ssi.”

Moonbyul left a handful of crumpled bills on the counter and with a bow left the shop.

Samshin Grandmother barked out a laugh as she watched the stubborn goblin leave.

“What a lovesick fool.”

———————————

Moonbyul sat on a park bench, the bouquet of flowers placed gently next to her thigh.  She let out a sigh as she glanced at the sky, dark in connection with her terrible mood.

“What a meddlesome goddess,” she muttered dryly.  Scratching at her thigh irritably, she glanced at the flowers.  And she couldn’t help herself as she reached forward and pulled the bouquet to her nose.  Inhaling deeply, she let herself remember.

———————————

rewind

Moon Byulyi was born as the eldest child of her father’s second wife.  She was the sixth child her father had and out of a desperation to continue the family name and to have a successor, he decided that Moon Byulyi would become the first son.  That he would be celebrated and accepted as a boy. 

She had no choice.

And so she was raised as her father’s first and only son.  Her father teaching her to read and write from the classics.  Riding a horse and expertly notching an arrow.  Taking the rigor of military decorum to heart.

Moon Byulyi lived for her family because that was what she was told her sole purpose for her existence was.  Her father reminded her constantly that she owed everything to the family.

But she knew deep down under the respect and devotion to her father, that he should be thankful to her too.  Because of her he could proudly walk through the palace with her at his heels, bartering for marriage negotiations and the promise of new land and wealth.  Now he no longer had to give his girls and his wealth away.  He could take for himself for once.

“We have found a match for you,” her father stated gravely one night, his new silk robes glittering in the glow of the candle light.  “The king has graciously allowed for a marriage between you and one of his youngest princesses.  She comes from the wealthy Kim clan.  Her mother is known far and wide for her beauty.  Apparently the daughter will surpass her in that regard.”

Byulyi just nodded once.  Another decision was made for her and she would just have to accept it. 

And so at the young age of fifteen, she waited with her parents outside their humble house as two royal palanquins slowly came down the road.  Byulyi marveled at the fresh lacquer finish of the wood glinting in the spring light.  Large men gently had set the two palanquins down in the dirt in front of her home and the doors had been pulled back.  The first woman who stepped out was covered in a beautifully sewn green silk gown, her hair piled ornately at the top of her head. 

Even though Byulyi was still a soldier, training for the royal guard, she had heard the rumors of Concubine Kim’s beauty.  Seeing the proud looking woman with lips as red as blood and a face as pale as the moon, she was not disappointed by the rumors.  But it was when the second palanquin’s door was pulled back that her heart stopped.

This girl, who was to be her bride, was by no means the heart stopping beauty that her mother was.  There was no sharp edge of raw sex to her as she stepped gently from her seat, standing in a turquoise hanbok and her hair pulled back into a long braid.  But it was her eyes that were so clear and the smile she flashed as she looked up at the blossoms of the tree in front of the house.  Byulyi felt her breath catch in her throat. 

She should have known then that this girl would be her downfall.

“Greet your future bride, Byulyi-ah!” instructed her father sternly.  And Byulyi took a moment to feel the other girl look at her, feel the warmth of the sun on her face, before bowing formally.

———————————

forward

Her wife’s name was Kim Yongsun.  Byulyi would curl the name around her mouth as she would whisper it at night.  She practiced saying those words over and over, committing them to memory as the moon was her witness. 

For a whole year there was preparations for the wedding.  She tried to ignore the whispers as she would swing her sword and practice.  With each expert stroke she could hear the insidious words.

“Didn’t you hear that the King is punishing Lady Kim for her trying to poison the Queen? That greedy bitch got what she deserved for trying to be so power hungry.”

“So that’s why her daughter is being married off to that nobody soldier’s son? Did you see that boy? He’s so scrawny!  I don’t even know how he can carry a sword!”

“Apparently he’s going to marry that Concubine’s daughter.  That lucky bastard.  If that girl grows up to look anything like her mother than he’s going to view this marriage as a gift from heaven.”

“Well I wouldn’t want to touch that scary woman’s daughter with a longsword.  What if she’s just as bad as her mother?”

Maybe Byulyi was stupid as she closed her ears to those words.  Ignoring every harsh criticism of her betrothed, she would just cut harder and harder at the practice dummy. 

Her hard work paid off when she was able to pass a military examination, elevating her rank from a common soldier to a captain.  But as she looked at the list posted at the palace gates with a smile, it wasn’t that moment of pride that she remembered as she saw her name written in black ink in first place.  It was seeing out of the corner of her eye a court lady gesturing furtively behind a post for her to come over.

“What is it?” she asked, trying to deepen her voice as the young girl grabbed her wrist and started to drag her somewhere within the palace.

“My lady wishes to see you.”

“Your lady?”

“Your future wife, Kim Yongsun?”

Byulyi felt like her legs were made of lead as she tripped over her feet.  As she was being dragged, she glanced down at her clothes, assessing the dark burgundy silk of her long shirt and pants.  It was her most dashing outfit that her mother had sewn for her.  Heaven seemed to be on her side.

But even though she was dressed well it could not make up for her embarrassing behavior as she was finally dragged to a small alcove in the palace gardens.  Yongsun’s back was to her as she appeared to be playing with something in her hands.

“My lady, Captain Moon, is here.”

“Captain?”

And she turned around with such a big smile that left Moonbyul dumbstruck. 

“Is it true? You’re a captain now?”

Byulyi swallowed as Yongsun took a step closer, before remembering proper decorum and keeping a bit of distance. 

“Yes, that is true.”

“I’m so glad! When my mother told me about your examination I was so worried that things wouldn’t turn out well.”

“My lady went to the temple and did 108 bows for you success,” the court lady murmured behind her hand with a giggle.

Byulyi smiled as Yongsun whined and swatted at the giggling girl.  The embarrassed smile and flush to her round cheeks was a sight she wanted to commit to memory.

“I wanted to give you this as a good luck charm but I couldn’t find you before the exam started.”

“Because she overslept.”

Before Yongsun could open her mouth in protest, Byulyi just chuckled and reached for the other girl’s hand.  She ignored her own rising blush in her cheeks as she gently opened up her clenched palm and saw a beautiful red ribbon, intricately stitched with gold threaded design. 

“I w-wanted to give you a token.  So that even though I wouldn’t be with you… you could hold this and think of me!”

Byulyi gazed at the other girl, marveling at her smile and the kindness in her eyes.  She felt starved for that kind look, wanting desperately to see it forever.

“Captain Moon, you shouldn’t hold my lady’s hand like that since you’re not properly married yet!”

Instantly the two sprang apart with matching blushes.  But when Byulyi turned and looked at Yongsun she realized they also had matching smiles.

———————————

forward

Byulyi never had to tell Yongsun she was a girl.  She remembered feeling terrified on their wedding night, sitting in her heavy ceremonial robes as Yongsun was escorted into their shared room with two maids flanking her sides.  The wedding gown was heavy and the head ornamentation made it even worse. 

They gazed at each other in silence, finally alone with a tension heavy between them.

“Should we?”  Yongsun tilted her head pointedly at Byulyi’s heavy ceremonial robe.  The shaking must have been obvious as she raised a hand the pull off her outer coat.

“Can I speak frankly?” 

Byulyi paused in the middle of shrugging off her first layer.

“Your father… he told me that you're not really… that you’re not actually a boy.”

She felt her throat constrict at the words, her mind completely blank.  All the work to present a facade of a devoted son was ruined.  And how on earth would Yongsun look at her now?

“I see.”

“And I’m… I was really shocked at first.  But I think we can make the best out of this situation.  I think we can still be happy. Even if we don’t have to do the things that husbands and wives do on their wedding night.”

Byulyi felt her eyes fill with tears and she didn’t try to stop them from overflowing and trickling down her cheeks.

“Oh no! Did I say something wrong?” Instantly Yongsun was at her side, wiping at her cheeks worriedly with her thumbs.

Letting out a wet laugh, Byulyi shook her head as she gently grasped at the other girl’s wrists.  Her heart beat loudly at their proximity but she didn’t try to think about what that meant as she pulled those soft hands into her lap. 

“I’ve just never had someone know about… me.  And accept me for who I really am.”

“Byulyi-ah…”

“So thank you.  I’m sorry that I am not a man.  But I’ll try to be someone good to you.  I’ll protect your honor and make sure you’re someone who’s proud to be married to me.”

And Yongsun just smiled, threading their hands together.  Byulyi felt so warm. 

“You don’t have to make me proud to marry you.  I’m honored to be your wife.”

And so Yongsun and Byulyi took off their uncomfortable wedding clothes, talking all night long in simple white shifts, until the sun rose back in the sky.

———————————

forward

A soldier fought in wars for the dignity of their sovereign and country.  Byulyi was no different as she was sent to Goryeo’s border, heavy with armor and a sword belted to her hip.  She bid her father and mother goodbye with formal bows, trying to ignore the realization that this was the first moment her father looked at her with pride warm in his eyes.  But he didn’t really see her. 

Not the same way Yongsun did.

They had been married for a year.  A year of pleasant friendship and simple walks around the grounds of her family’s house.  Secret escapes to the outside walls of the exciting marketplace.  Byulyi hadn’t stopped laughing at Yongsun’s wide eyes, amazed at the sights she hadn’t been able to see, locked within the gilded cage of the palace.  Sometimes she would accompany her to the that place, skin itching with the judgmental eyes of court ladies and scholar-officials alike.  But it didn’t matter where they were or what they were doing.  As long as she was with Yongsun there was always good conversation and laughter to be had. 

She was waiting outside for her in the garden.  Byulyi had no words to say as she just watched Yongsun for a moment.  She was dressed in a simple long blue robe, her hair tied back with no intricate twisting or braiding.  Although her cheeks were still round she had gained an elegant profile and jaw that left Byulyi breathless.  She was so beautiful and so achingly sad in that moment she could not help but fall in love with Yongsun.

“Yongsun-ah,” she called out softly.  She saw Yongsun’s eyes widen for a moment before she wiped at her cheek distractedly.  Byulyi put on a brave smile and strode forward, the metal and boiled leather of her armor not stopping her from quickly going to Yongsun’s side.  She thoughtlessly pressed her into a firm hug, nuzzling against her temple.

“Will you miss me?” she asked softly into her sweet smelling hair.

“Of course I will!  Who will talk to me besides my maid now? Who will walk with me all over and-” Yongsun’s voice wavered into a broken whimper and Byulyi pulled her tighter against her. 

“You promised you’d write to me, right?”

“Yes of course! You have to write back when you have time.”

Byulyi pulled a little bit away to look down at Yongsun with a smile.  Thoughtlessly she reached forward and cupped the side of her face, brushing a thumb along the delicate skin of her cheek.

“Wait for me, Yongsun-ah.  I’ll be back safely.”

And maybe it was the heat of the moment but in a quick instant Yongsun’s lips pressed against hers.  Before she could register what had happened she heard her father calling for her to get ready to leave.  She stared dumbly at Yongsun’s blushing cheeks a hand halfway to touch her own lips.

Yongsun’s face seemed slack with shock as if she hadn’t even realized what she had done.  But Byulyi just smiled and squeezed her hand once.

“Wait for me, please.  So that I can return your favor.”

And Byulyi turned, striding away from Yongsun’s dumbfounded face with a huge smile straining her own cheeks.

She did not return for a year and a half.

War taught Byulyi many things.  As she worked as a Captain, tirelessly fighting a seemingly hopeless battle against the endless stream of barbarians to the north, she poured out her thoughts to Yongsun.  Her fears for the future of a Goryeo conquered by foreign powers.  Her fears of the doubt the people seemed to have in the new king who had begun to take a greater interest in building temples and engaging in amusements rather than helping the suffering citizens.  Her fears of never coming home again.

Maybe that was why she had fought like a mad dog at every battle.  Amid the blood, sweat, and feces of the dead and dying she had pressed onward, covered in grime and filth but her sword always held tightly in her hand.  She never retreated and was always the first Captain forward, leading the fight and not lagging behind to let her men take the brunt of the battle.

Funnily enough she had killed so many men during the campaign but the one she remembered most was the crying boy probably not much older than her, who cowered as she had approached.  He was apparently the grandson of the attacking tribe’s leader.  His legs were crushed under the dead horse she had shot as she had pursued him, fleeing the field of a battle clearly not in his favor.

She dismounted from her horse easily, drawing her sword from her belt as she approached him, trying to ignore the whimpering platitudes he choked at her in a language she could not understand. 

That could be me, she thought.  He could have a pretty girl who he loves, waiting for him patiently at home.  Maybe he was writing her letters too, pouring his heart and hopes out to her.  Her sword shook once in her hand.  But then she glanced behind her and saw the bloody carnage of her screaming men mixed with the dying cries of his men.  She knew that his death would be enough of a definitive victory to stop this battle and perhaps the war with this particular tribe.

He whimpered at her as she raised her sword. 

She didn’t wash the blood from her face the whole ride back to the camp.  And she did not clean the blood and filth of that battle from her armor or body as she was given orders to return to the capital.  Byulyi rode from the border all the way to Yongsun wreaking of death with her heart feeling like lead.

But for some strange reason when she finally saw the other girl in a beautiful hanbok as blue as the sky with hair ornately done and makeup lightly powdering her face, she hoped that Yongsun could see the monster who had killed.  That was why she had rode the entirety of the return journey in the carnage and destruction that she had caused.  She wanted Yongsun to see what she had done and be afraid of her. 

But of course that girl just smiled and called out her name, running forward and wrapping her in warm arms.

With trembling fingers Byulyi brought a hand up to return the hug, eyes filling with tears.

When they were alone in their shared room that she had not seen in nearly two years, Yongsun rushed forward and kissed her so hard that she saw stars.

———————————

forward

The years continued and they were relatively kind to Byulyi and Yongsun.  As they grew into their twenties Byulyi collected titles and ranks with ease.  Even though her father’s pride and the family’s wealth grew with each victory, it was Yongsun’s warm smile and nod of approval that she looked for. 

In their room, she would press the other girl against their bed, whispering promises between kisses.

“Byulyi-ah,” Yongsun whispered with a giggle, pressing her hand against Byulyi’s wanting mouth.  They had just returned from a ceremony honoring her and a few other “heroes at the border” with an overly grandiose ceremony with performers and beautiful courtesans.  Yongsun had sat at her side at Byulyi’s insistence, and because of her marriage to Yongsun, she was privileged to sit with Yongsun’s mother and her siblings.  Yongsun’s half brother would glance at her every so often and she tried to ignore the jealousy in her heart as Yongsun would always smile back.

She had gotten some comfort in knowing that despite how many times the king would glance at Yongsun, it was her hand that she was holding under the table throughout the whole feast.

“Byulyi-ah, what’s wrong? You didn’t even wait for me to get changed.”

She just shook her head and nosed the half-hearted hand away, continuing her kisses along the soft plane of Yongsun’s neck.

“I want to be with you forever,” she whispered feverishly, smiling as she felt hands tangle loosely at the base of her scalp.

“I’m your wife.  You’ll be with me till either of us dies, Byulyi-ah.” 

Suddenly, Yongsun pulled a little away and there was a strangely serious look in her eyes.  It seemed almost regretful.  Byulyi watched the look carefully under the dim light of candles before she felt Yongsun tentatively drag her thumb along her lower lip.

“I worry… I worry about the king.  My mother tells me that he has been putting all of our country’s treasury into building temples and useless bridges.  While you were away he was forcing soldiers to work as laborers like they were slaves.”

Byulyi made a thoughtful noise as she rolled off of Yongsun, letting the other girl rest her head on her shoulder and curl closer.  She absentmindedly rested a hand on her waist, stroking her thumb up and down the softness of her side.

“I am a soldier.  I will not be ordered away from my duty to serve on the battlefield.”

Yongsun sighed into her shoulder.

“That is exactly why I’m worried. I heard that the soldiers who opposed him were forced into public lashings for the whole court to see.  I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“Your worry for me is unnecessary.  I will be safe.”

“You’re stubborn and the ranks give you pride.  Please, Byulyi-ah, if the king orders you to do something, you have to stay yes.  I can’t… please don’t make me a widow.”

Byulyi sighed and pressed a kiss to the crown of Yongsun’s head. 

“I’ll do what you say.  I won’t cause trouble if that’s what you want.  Maybe I can get my rank as a Captain of the military labor guard.”

Yongsun giggled and the sound warmed Byulyi’s chest.

“I’m not sure your father would be as proud of that achievement, General Moon.”

“Yongsun-ah I’m not a General yet.  I still have two more ranks to go.”

“If you do specially well in the next border campaign, I think His Majesty would have to be silly not to see that you deserve the title of General.”

“A general in twelve years,” Byulyi mused quietly.

“You are rather exceptional.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I were you.”

“As long as I have you by my side, it doesn’t matter what rank I have,” she whispered quietly, pulling Yongsun into another kiss.

———————————

forward

It had been two years since she had seen Yongsun.  She was returning to the capital this time, not because of a victorious campaign, but because of civil unrest.

Sitting in the war room tent, bent over a map designing a means of attacking the newest batch of tribal attacks, she was interrupted by a youthful courtier.

“General Moon!”

Yongsun had been wrong. It had taken fourteen years, not twelve.

“Yes, soldier?”

The boy reminded her of herself when she had first started training.  Fresh-faced and eager with a youthful blush to his cheeks.

“Y-your lady wife has entrusted this letter to me due to the urgent situation at the capital.”

The foot soldier bowed deeply as Byulyi unrolled the scroll with a curious eye.

“What has been happening in the capital?” she asked quietly as she scanned over Yongsun’s words.

“The king is calling for a complete eradication of the military and for their land to be redistributed to the king’s favored officials.”

Byulyi made a thoughtful noise as she glanced up from her wife’s handwriting.

“How have the military officials taken it? The other generals and heads of state?”

The boy shrugged a shoulder nervously.

“What do you think?”

“I-I think you should hurry back as soon as you can, General Moon.  The sooner the better.”

Byulyi scoffed as she read Yongsun’s quick scrawl I love you and hope this letter finds you safe and unharmed. Her heart ached weakly.

“I trust in the king.  But I will return to the capital, then.  Please tell my Colonel that I will be back in a few days.  Hopefully I’ll be able to knock some sense into those fools.”

And so Byulyi had arrived at the palace gates, horse heavily panting and a line of archers trained at her head.  She frowned at the open display of distrust.

“Let me in,” Byulyi bellowed.  She dismounted from her horse and held her arms up with her sword in hand.

“The king has given strict orders to not let you inside, General Moon.”

“Excuse me?”

“If you enter these gates you do so in open defiance of the king’s orders.”

“My wife has called me back to ensure the safety of our sovereign.  If that is defiance then so be it.”

And then the gates swung open and Byulyi stepped forward, chin held high and sword tightly clenched in hand.

rewind

It was a cold winter but Yongsun had insisted on sitting on the porch.  Byulyi had an arm around her waist and was sleepily nosing into the curling hairs at the base of her neck.  She had just gotten back after a year long campaign, and would have loved nothing more than to sleep but her wife had other ideas.

She had jokingly groaned when Yongsun had insisted on going outside but still she obediently got up and followed her out the door to sit on the porch.  No one was awake in the darkness of night, the only thing visible being the moon and stars. 

“When I was locked away in the palace I would look up at those stars and think that someone else may be looking up at them too.  And it gave me great comfort.  Whenever you leave I always look at the sky and think if you’re looking at the same sky I am, then it’s one way we can be together.”

“Yongsun-ah.”

The other woman trembled a little but still turned toward her and smiled. 

“No matter what happens we’ll always be able to look at the same sky, Byulyi-ah.  Please don’t forget that.”

She smiled at the urgency of Yongsun’s words.  Sleepily she kissed the corner of her mouth, pulling her closer.

“I’m back now so you don’t have to look at the sky any longer.”

forward

Passing through the many gates left Byulyi with a chill as she realized that there were no eunuchs or court ladies scrambling to stop her.  The palace felt dead.  No guards. No noise. 

And then the screams started.

Unsheathing her sword in alarm she ran toward the cries.

“Your Highness, please have mercy!”

Byulyi turned sharply toward a long hallway leading to the Queen’s palace when she saw a figure leaning against the wood of the gate in front of the king’s residence.  Even though it was from a distance she could recognize that profile from anywhere. She was sprinting toward Yongsun without thinking, flinging her sword out of her hands as she dropped to her knees beside the other girl.

She couldn’t even reach out to touch her because all she saw was the blood seeping through Yongsun’s small fingers and she felt a helpless sob choke her throat.

“B-byulyi-ah, I was looking… at the sky.”

She let out another whimper and reached forward, gazing at Yongsun’s teary eyes.

“What on earth happened?”

“T-the king… got so angry… I couldn’t get away… and I think he’s… killing more.”

“We need to get you to a doctor.”

Yongsun just smiled sadly.  But she said nothing as Byulyi scooped her up in her arms and started hurriedly walking, leaving her sword behind.

The other girl was so warm against her chest as she practically ran toward the physician’s quarters at the palace.  She felt Yongsun whisper something against her neck but she couldn’t hear her, desperate to find a doctor or someone who could stop the blood from seeping out of Yongsun.

“Byulyi-ah.”

She paused, realizing that they were at the royal gardens.  Just a little more and they’d be able to get Yongsun a doctor.

“I want… can you get me those flowers?”

Byulyi frowned as she pointed at a thick bush with white flowers dappled with red. 

“Please.”

And Byulyi had knelt down with Yongsun in her arms, and awkwardly plucked a few.  When Yongsun sniffled at the petals, her lips pulled into a small smile.

“You need to promise me something, Byulyi-ah.”

She nodded absentmindedly as she started at her sprint again, rushing despite the burning of her arms and legs.

“You can’t… kill the king.  Promise me.”

When she didn’t hear a response, Yongsun tightened her grip weakly against the collar of her uniform.

Byulyi slowed at the contact and looked down into sharp brown eyes.

“Promise me,” she whispered again through bloody teeth.  And Byulyi, trembling with Yongsun dying in her arms, had nodded.  That moment forever was trapped in her memory as the scent of those flowers mingled with the smell of Yongsun’s dark blood soaking her dress and Byulyi’s arms.

———————————

forward

When Byulyi was brought to her knees as the criminal who had murdered the king, she had just tipped her head back as she looked at the sky. 

And she had laughed.

———————————

Moonbyul realized that it was the evening already.  She glanced at the wilting flowers and with a snap of her fingers they were good as new.

Glancing at her watch, she realized that it was nearly time to meet Solar for their date. 

“Yongsun-ah,” she whispered for the first time in years, the sound rusty in her throat.  When her eyes welled with tears she just let them fall. 

Chapter Text

Solar fiddled with the hem of her sweater, exasperatedly giving up on ignoring the fraying thread.  It was her only article of clothing that wasn’t black, a soft white and blue oversized sweater.  She was wearing black jeans and her usual black wool coat, but she was hoping Moonbyul would be willing to overlook those other two pieces. 

Giving her outfit one last satisfied tug, she strode out the door with as much confidence as she could muster.  As she walked down several flights of stairs she glanced at her watch.  How surprising was it that a grim reaper was late to an appointment?

A date, Solar self-corrected with red cheeks, as she poked her head out the door of her apartment building.  She crossed her arms over her chest, exhaling warm breath into a swirl of misty fog because of the cold.  She should have brought a scarf.  Solar glanced behind her at the door, contemplating the idea of running up and getting it.

“What are you doing over there?”

Solar stiffened as she saw Moonbyul poking her head out of a sleek black car with a grin.  She got out of the car with a smile so wide that Solar couldn’t help but reciprocate.

“Get in the car, Solar-ssi.  It’s awfully cold out.”

“I’m getting there,” Solar replied, not moving at all as Moonbyul strode up to her, glancing up and down at her outfit.

“You look very pretty today. Any special occasion?”

“An annoying goblin asked me out on a date and I thought I should at least look nice for it.”

Moonbyul’s mouth twitched as she took a step closer, almost inappropriately close. Those brown eyes seemed incredibly soft as they met Solar’s gaze.

“W-what is it with you and personal space?” Solar spluttered out, still not moving despite her protest. 

“I guess I just can’t control myself when I’m around you.”

“Maybe you could control your greasy lines better.”

“You don’t like my compliments?”

Solar ducked her hand at the way Moonbyul asked the question with a voice slightly rough and breathless, daring her to deny the undeniable pull between them.  Instead of replying, she raised her hand and gripped the worn gray lapel of the other girl’s wool coat, looking at the fabric instead of those burning eyes.

“Shouldn’t we get going?”

“What if I just want to look at you a little longer?”

“And miss the reservation to an expensive dinner date?”

“I would miss anything in this world to just look at you.”

Solar swallowed at the uncomfortably heavy weight the comment had.  The protest of greasy fell on her tongue because there it was again. the goblin’s sad and lonely look of a being who had lived for 900 years. 

She linked her arm through Moonbyul’s ignoring the way her own cheeks warmed.

“Well you can look at me as long as you want while we’re eating.”

The light comment seemed to cheer up Moonbyul as the other girl chuckled, walking them to the plush car.  Before Solar could open her own door, Moonbyul was there like some chivalrous knight, opening the car and waiting until she had her seatbelt fastened before getting into the driver’s seat.

Moonbyul turned to look at Solar with a happy grin.

“What?”

“Are you ready for the best date of your life?”

“Well this will probably be the best date I’ve ever had since it’s the only date I can remember.”

“Because you remember nothing from your past life.”

Solar nodded a little sadly.

“It’s probably better that way, honestly.  There’s a reason I’m being punished by heaven, right?”

Moonbyul made a strained sound as she began to pull out of her parking place.

“Do you… do you really think you deserve to live like this?  I can’t imagine you doing something so terribly that it damns you to centuries of servitude.”

“You don’t know me at all,” Solar retorted with a bit too much bite to her comment. 

Moonbyul had said nothing as her jaw clenched once.

“You’re right.  I suppose I don’t.”

———————————

“I thought I’d be getting at least a bottle of soju out of this date,” teased Solar as she held onto the other girl’s arm.  They were strolling through the park in the light of dusk, observing the other bundled up couples loitering around.

“I was worried if I asked you to drink with me you’d think I was trying to take advantage of you.”

“You don’t think my tolerance is good?”

“I know it isn’t good.  I had to carry you all the way back to your apartment that one time!”

Solar grinned and playfully pinched at Moonbyul’s side, causing the other girl to flail her arms in surprise.

“Hey be gentle with me! I’m practically a god after all!”

“Wouldn’t that mean you’re less fragile than other beings?”

“But I’m infinitely more special,” quipped Moonbyul with a cheeky grin. 

Solar rolled her eyes and pretended like she was about to let go but Moonbyul’s hand assuredly clasped her hand.  She stopped walking and the other girl turned.  Solar would remember that moment with the lamplight brightening the smile tugging at Moonbyul’s face and suddenly she saw a tree burst into bloom.

“You have to stop doing that,” Solar said shaking her head and sneakily pulling her hand away. Walking backwards with a broad grin she looked at the way a rare blush colored Moonbyul’s cheeks.

“I-it only happens when I’m really happy.”

“I make you happy?”

Moonbyul stood there, eyes almost distant as they watched Solar, scanning her body like the memory of Solar in that moment had to be imprinted in her mind forever.

“When I’m with you, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.”

Moonbyul’s voice trembled a little and she dropped her head, jaw clenching and unclenching like she was trying to control her emotions.

“Why do I make you happy?” Solar asked quietly, taking a step toward the other girl.  “You don’t really know me.  It doesn’t make any sense.”

“But you feel it too.  Don’t you, Solar-ssi?”

“It?”

Suddenly Moonbyul reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling it to rest right above her heart.  Solar ducked her head in embarrassment at the romantic gesture but she could feel the other girl’s heart racing beneath the thick wool of the jacket. 

“Can you deny that there is something that you feel when you look at me?” Moonbyul asked quietly, the hold on Solar’s hand tightening imperceptibly. 

“I don’t know what it means.”

“Do you want to know?”

Solar looked up then and there was that sadness teasing at the edges of Moonbyul’s eyes.  That loneliness that clung to the other girl no matter how wide she smiled.

“Have you thought that maybe I deserve to not know? That maybe it’s heaven’s will that I do not know?”

“Aren’t you tired of heaven’s will?”

Solar’s throat constricted and she realized that her own eyes were wet.  Before she could wipe the tears away a warm thumb brushed them aside.

“Why do you cry?”

“I don’t know.  But, Moonbyul-ssi, when I see you I do feel happy but a part of me aches.  And I don’t know if I can reconcile those two feelings.”

The other girl’s mouth twisted at the words and she pulled Solar into an embrace.  Solar let out a gasp as Moonbyul’s arm braced against her back and the hand that had been holding her cheek moved to cup the back of her head.

“Can you feel it?”  Moonbyul asked into her hair.  And Solar trembled. 

Because she felt an overwhelming wave of emotions that she couldn’t even begin to name.  The thought terrified her.  She had existed for so long content with no memory, living as a grim reaper who did decent work for centuries. But what on earth was this goblin doing disrupting everything?

“I…”  Solar pulled a little from Moonbyul’s hold and was captured by soft brown eyes. 

“Moonbyul-ssi, thank you for the date tonight.”

“But?”

“But I think I need some time to think before we see each other again.”

Moonbyul’s mouth twitched but she nodded, dropping her arms and respectfully taking a step back.  The phantom warmth of the other girl still clung to Solar’s shoulders and she knew that if she closed her eyes she could feel Moonbyul’s breath against her hair.

“Whatever, you need.”

“Thank you.”

Solar smiled and Moonbyul returned it.

“But let me at least give you these since you requested them.”

With a snap of her fingers, the goblin was holding a bouquet of flowers wrapped in simple brown butcher paper and tied with a silk blue ribbon.  Solar’s eyes caught the flowers, lush white blossoms dappled with red.

“You kept your promise.”

“Occasionally.  I’m a practically a god and my mind seems to change constantly.” 

Solar nodded once as she accepted the flowers, ignoring the way their fingers brushed.  She couldn’t stop how warm her cheeks felt at the simple contact.

“I hope I’ll see you soon, Solar-ssi.” 

Moonbyul gave her one last hungry look before Solar turned away and left the other girl under the lamp light.  She knew that if she turned around Moonbyul would still be watching her leave, eyes a little captivated and smile a little sad.

———————————

Solar walked back to her apartment holding the flowers close to her chest.  She took her time, letting the chilly air nip at her face and hands.  But she didn’t really care.  It was like she was in a daze, her mind full of Moonbyul.

Was this what love felt like?

“So annoying,” she growled with a sigh, shaking the flowers a little violently in her hands.  But then she saw the gleam of the pretty ribbon and couldn’t hide her smile. 

If she felt so overcome with… “love”… then why on earth had she walked away?  The answer to that of course was obvious.  She had been so overwhelmed with whatever she had been feeling that trying to come to terms with it right there with Moonbyul seemed too much.

And she had even cried.

As Solar arrived at her apartment, she rubbed at her eyes again in embarrassment. 

“Had a fun night?”

Solar nearly jumped out of her skin as she saw Wheein standing in front of her apartment building.

“Jeez, Wheein-ah, what are you doing here?”

The other girl seemed subdued as she shrugged, glancing up and down at Solar’s outfit.

“Not wearing all black today. Special occasion go well?”

“Yes, thank you for covering my shift for me today.”

Wheein gave another shrug and Solar swallowed nervously.  The street was deathly quiet and she realized that all the cars were frozen, suspended in time.

“Wheein-ah, is there something you wanted to talk to me about?”

“Unnie, do you know what the greatest punishment is for a grim reaper?”

Solar stilled at the way Wheein watched her eyes completely devoid of her usually cheerful warmth. 

“Wheein-ah, what’s wrong?”

“There’s a reason we are this way, you know.  Even though we’re being punished for eternity, the heavens gave us one mercy.  We would not have to remember what horrible thing we did to earn this fate.” 

“And what does this have to do with anything?”

“But you know,” Wheein continued, pointedly ignoring the question, “Heaven can be cruel.  And the gods even crueler.  Sometimes they make grim reapers remember out of punishment or for some cosmic scheme far beyond our control.”

Solar felt very cold as Wheein took a step toward her, grabbing at her wrist firmly and causing her to drop the flowers to the ground.

“I have been given an order, Unnie, so please forgive me.”

She felt tears prickle the corner out of her eyes out of dread but she was too afraid to pull away. 

“The holy tea of memory can give back memories of past lives to souls but also… a grim reaper’s kiss can help too.  Hopefully Moonbyul-unnie will forgive me for borrowing your lips for this one time.”

And before Solar could even register what was happening, Wheein pulled her into a swift kiss.  The instant their lips touched, her vision blurred and it was like a super nova burst.  She fell to her knees with Wheein standing above her, watching with an unreadable expression as Solar clutched her head and let out a pained cry as everything came b a c k.

———————————

rewind

Yongsun was everything that her mother didn’t want.  At first.

She was a girl and that had ruined everything.  Desperate to secure the throne for herself and justify her almost embarrassing power grab for the queen’s title, Concubine Kim had tried to have a son.

“It would have been so easy,” Yongsun’s mother had hissed as she flipped irritably through a book in her beautiful room, the soft light of the sun filtering through an opened window.  Yongsun remembered looking up from the hard book filled with almost indistinguishable hanja with a curious frown.

“If you had been a boy it would have been too easy to get that throne from your half brother and his half-witted mother.”  Yongsun’s mother would sigh then, tipping her head back and pursing her lips.  And then before Yongsun could quite feel the smart of pain at being rejected by her mother, the woman would level her with a wicked grin.

“But we can show them, can’t we Yongsun-ah? A woman is not something to be trifled with?”

In that moment, Yongsun would have given up everything to make her mother always smile at her like that.  As if they were the only two people in the world, sharing a secret so special and unique to just them.

So she had kept her mother’s trainings to heart.  How to be smart and captivating to the palace court.  How to make a man watch her without even acknowledging his presence.  How to make a man do everything she wanted.

Since she was a little girl her mother had planted two wishes in her heart.  To become someone Yongsun’s mother could be proud of.  And to become the queen.

“I will give you what I could not have,” her mother would whisper into the nape of her neck as she held her during the night.  Yongsun remembered how the words had burned as if they were physically being carved into her skin. 

“You will make the crown prince fall in love with you.  Even though you share the same father we can always have you adopt my mother’s clan name to avoid confusion in the registry.  Just as your grandmother had done.”

Yongsun would be awake long after her mother had fallen asleep, eyes trained on the open window full of a night sky rich in stars.

I will become queen, she would mouth until her lips were sore the next morning.

But that would have been too easy to have the title handed to her.

Yongsun’s first mistake was that she became too comfortable in making her mother’s wish equate to a feasible reality.  It was hard, when the crown prince would invite her to his room and they would talk for hours under the guise of sibling bonding to not fall for him a little.  When his eyes would light up as he showed her his books that he was learning from with bright eyes full of hope for advancing religion and civilian infrastructure. 

I will help you become a good king, she would think to herself as she fantasized about her wedding as she walked through the palace.  She would imagine herself and the crown prince standing at the top of the steps leading to the main palace, adorned in the traditional ornamentation for the crown prince and princess.  Her body would ache with want for the chance to be crown princess.  To be happy.

Even at the age of twelve. 

But then when she was fourteen and she was called to the king’s chambers she had gotten her first rude awakening.  Standing in front of the elevated grand throne with her head bowed, she waited as her father seemed to study her from above.

“You must know of your mother’s attempt to poison the queen.”

Yongsun bit the inside of her cheek as she feigned shock, eyes wide and mouth pulled down in what she practiced and knew to be a look of horror.  Instantly she started her weak act that would normally make men pity women.  She dropped to her knees and began to whimper and cry.

“Oh Your Highness, whatever do you mean? My mother… to commit such a heinous crime is unspeakable!”

She whimpered again, wiping at her eyes piteously.  Yongsun heard the king draw a sharp breath but still remain seated.

“Regardless of your prior knowledge, you must know that the tentative plan for your marriage with the crown prince is impossible now.  I cannot have my future grandchild come from the blood of a woman whose mother is a snake.”

“Oh Your Highness, please spare my mother’s life!” This time Yongsun’s tears were real as she let out a muffled sob.  The thought of living in a world without her mother guiding her and planting hopes deep within her chest horrified her.

“You plead for the life of a woman who attempted high treason.”

“Is there evidence of her crime, Your Highness?”

“No, but the eunuch and court ladies who claim they acted alone all strangely received large sums of money that couldn’t have been procured quickly from any civilian.  Who else within this palace would have a motive to murder the queen but your mother?”

Yongsun swallowed, gathering her courage as she lifted her head and looked directly at the king from her spot on the ground.  She saw, strangely, herself in his eyes.  She was his daughter and she could use this against him.

“Father,” she said, the words tasting unfamiliar in her mouth but not lacking fond sincerity. “Father, without definite evidence how could you know my mother is the culprit of such a horrible crime?”

The king brushed his beard with the side of his hand, making a thoughtful sound as his eyes narrowed at her.

“I fell in love with your mother because I admired her wit and ambition.  I should have known that this would be the eventual result of those feelings.  What I didn’t know is she would produce a daughter of the same fold.  How frightening.”

Yongsun felt something strange stir within her as she heard her own father’s fear in his level-headed remarks.  She scared him.

“I will spare your mother’s life.  But I cannot have you marry my son.”

She could not hide the bitterness under her usual facade of bright-eyed cheer and kind smiles.

“Will I lose all marriage prospects, Your Highness? Will you take from me any opportunity to live as a married woman?”

“So that you can have some sort of power? You will never be satisfied will you?”

Yongsun clenched her jaw and dropped her head.  This time the tears easily fell.

“Give me time to think about this.  Although you are Concubine Kim’s daughter, you are also my daughter.  I can be merciful.”

And with those words she was dismissed.  All of her dreams that had been whispered in her ear since she was a child had been ruined with one king’s breath.

That night Yongsun sat outside her quarters, on the porch, and choked out angry hot sobs that left her face blotchy and red for a whole day afterward.

After that, all the crown prince could spare her were longing glances.  Her mother was despondent, laying in bed, completely humiliated and infuriated by her failure.  Yongsun alone had to stand at the crown prince’s wedding, watching with eyes full of jealousy as that rich girl who was the daughter of a favored scholar walked up the steps in crown princess regalia.  The girl was all demure smiles and practiced measured steps that Yongsun had been doing since she could walk.

It was hard to pretend to be a pretty princess during those times.

For nearly two years she waited, nursing the wounds of herself and her mother.  Her mother recovered from the humiliation of failure and it wasn’t too long before the king was slipping back into her mother’s quarters.

With closed eyes she could hear the maids whispering about her father’s lust for a fox who would gladly tear out his throat if he shut his eyes.  Purposefully spilling scalding tea on their hands in an “accident” had been too easy.

And then one day she was given her marriage agreement like a death sentence.  Rolled up in a scroll and sent by courier with the king’s seal.  Yongsun, the girl who was supposed to be the next queen, was to be married off to some nobody soldier boy. Son of an unsuccessful military man.

For once, her mother had let her cry in front of her, shamelessly sobbing into the wide sleeves of her silk robe.

She had been all polite smiles and kind words in front of her betrothed’s parents when they had visited her at the palace.  Yongsun must have seemed to be an angel with her easy smile and well-mannered words.  The perfect bride for their son.

Riding in the palanquin to meet her betrothed, Moon Byulyi, she had decided to hate him on principle.  She would keep this hatred and anger deep within her chest, but it would be there, simmering at the surface.  Yongsun knew it was a scape goat but she couldn’t live with herself and her mother otherwise. 

But then, her palanquin door had opened and she stepped out onto a dirt path lined with large trees with light pink blossoms.  It had taken her by surprise as she marveled at the way the flowers caught the soft sunlight of spring.  Some bitter part of her was a little captivated and as she dragged her eyes away from the sight, she saw her betrothed. 

Moon Byulyi was stoic, face completely flat with a burgundy headband covering his forehead and dark hair tied back.  For a second she let herself be surprised by the curiosity she felt as he seemed to look at her.  It wasn’t the usual lust that she was accustomed to.  It was the same look she had known she had been giving the soft looking blossoms just then.  It was a look of complete captivation.

Even the crown prince had not looked at her like that.

The thought stirred something strange and curious within her that she could not quite name. 

She should have known then that Moon Byulyi would be her complete downfall.

———————————

forward

They were to be married the following year.  It was strange for Yongsun to want something and not be able to have it.  Not that she desperately wanted to marry Byulyi.  But there was some part of her that wanted to see those captivated eyes on her.  She was the frightening daughter of the horrible Concubine Kim and yet she wanted to feel how the songs and old folk tales described love.  With longing and captivated touches. 

Yongsun hated how weak Moon Byulyi made her feel.  But she couldn’t stay away.

“Captain Moon,” she had whispered when her maid gave them a moment of alone time with a giggle behind her palm. 

Captain Moon gazed at her levelly, still clutching the red ribbon she had handed him.  There it was again, that look of captivated interest.  Is this what it feels like, to bewitch a man? Yongsun wondered.  But she knew that she had not bewitched Byulyi in the way that snickering court ladies accused her mother of.  This soldier looked at her like he hadn’t ever known what it was like to love someone.  Like he had never understood what it was like to want something before. 

Yongsun wanted to be spiteful.  How privileged must someone be to not have ever wanted for anything! All that Yongsun lived for was wanting things that she could not have, whispering her dream of queenship still under her breath before she went to bed at night.

But then Captain Moon simply reached out and grasped her hand with tentative fingers.  And her breath caught in her throat as impossibly soft brown eyes met her gaze.

“I will keep your token with me, always,” Captain Moon murmured with a smile, squeezing her hand gently.

Any practiced words were completely forgotten as she was left completely at lost for words.  There was no doubt in her mind that Moon Byuyi did not want her for anything but for the pure sake of wanting.  When he left with a smile and bow, Yongsun had still stood there, pressing her fingers against her lips with a warm blush covering her cheeks. 

She wasn’t sure how she could handle this feeling of being wanted without strings attached.  How could there be no motivation? No desire? Just… interest?

Yongsun had sat on her porch that night and stared at the stars so deeply that she fell asleep outside. 

———————————

forward

Yongsun found out Byulyi wasn’t a man in a private meeting with the girl’s father and her mother.  Her mother was sitting in the seat of power at the front of the room, Byulyi’s father on his knees and bowed in front of the other woman prostrate.

She took in the scene cooly, detecting the obvious shame in the man’s hunched shoulders and the fury in her mother’s eyes. 

“What is the meaning of this?” Yongsun asked quietly with an arched brow to her mother as she nonchalantly took a seat to the side of the bowed man.

“Your betrothed’s father has been lying about some very important information.” Her mother’s voice was practically trembling with rage.  “Would you care to share with my daughter, days before her wedding ceremony, what you just shared with me?”

Byulyi’s father let out a trembling sigh, clearly humiliated by having to be groveling for mercy.

“The person you will be marrying… Moon Byulyi… is not my son but my daughter.”

Yongsun blinked slowly, perfectly stilling any expression on her face from revealing her emotions.  But she gripped her gown tightly as her mind reeled at the words.

“Daughter… Moon Byulyi is a girl?”

“In order to preserve my family’s name, we had to, Your Majesties.  There was no other way but to make her a son.  I could not risk having my family’s name dropped from the register.  I am the only son and it is a burden I had to bear!”

Yongsun felt her mother studying her as she stared impassively at the man.  Some part of her felt heady with the power she had over him.  He was completely at he mercy.  For attempting to fool not only the king’s concubine but the king himself… Byulyi’s father would surely suffer a punishment worse than death.

If Byulyi’s secret was revealed. 

“Mother, what do you wish to do?” Yongsun asked calmly, glancing over at her mother who impassively looked down at her hands.

“Do you wish to break your engagement?”

Yongsun paused and thought of Byulyi.  Thought of the girl’s smile and the strange kindness that she had shown her.  Her mind couldn’t help thinking of how warm her hand was and how comforting her presence seemed to be.

But just saying she wanted Byulyi would not be enough for her mother.  There always had to be a trade-off with that woman.

“What if we keep the engagement and have the Moon family indebted to you?”

“I don’t need a paltry soldier’s family indebted to me.  I need powerful support.”

“Moon Byulyi is already captain at the age of sixteen.  Regardless of her gender, she is a clearly talented soldier.  Isn’t it easier to catch a kitten than a tiger?”

Yongsun’s mother smiled as she made a thoughtful sound.

“Make the girl indebted to me before she can even think of making connections with anyone else?  Interesting thought, Yongsun-ah.”

“If you give her your support, than all that she has will be yours.”

“Yes, Your Highness,” interjected Byulyi’s father, bowing his head even harder into the floor, “if you support our family and let this marriage continue, the Moon family will give you our undying support.”

Her mother’s mouth twitched and then she threw her head back and gave a delighted laugh.  And Yongsun knew she had won.

Even after Yongsun had admitted to Byulyi that she had known that she was a girl, that captivated gaze never went away.  It thrilled her that she was gazed at now not only with captivation but also with tenderness.  It was evident that the other girl was incredibly thankful for Yongsun’s acceptance. 

It struck her as weak-hearted to be so vulnerable to another person’s kindness. 

They were sitting outside in a pavilion in the garden at evening.  Yongsun cooled herself down with an elegant fan, a wedding gift from the crown prince, as she watched Byulyi lying down and reading a book on a propped fist.

“What book are you reading?”

“Records of the Three Kingdoms,” Byulyi replied quietly as she turned a page.

“I didn’t know soldiers read anything other than military books.”

Byulyi glanced up at her and smiled. 

“I am no ordinary soldier.”

Yongsun couldn’t help the thrill that ran through her as the other girl shamelessly grinned at her.

“You are not.  Because you are married to me!”

“So you make me special?”

“I have been told that you are nothing without a good wife.”

Byulyi sat up, her book abandoned as she scooted toward Yongsun.  She tried to keep her cool by giving the other girl a pretty smile but her heart pounded nervously in her ears.

“Then I am most grateful I have you at my side.”

For once she couldn’t deny the helplessness she felt as Byulyi gently grasped her shoulder and looked at her with those captivated eyes.  Her face felt incredibly warm as she blustered out a weak reply and they continued in their banter.

It was an infuriating weakness of the heart, Yongsun thought, as she contemplated her feelings toward Byulyi as their married life stretched to nearly a year.  She could not deny that there was something new that she felt when she looked at the other girl.  And how could she not fall for her? Byulyi looked at her with no expectations, no judgement.  Just tender appreciation.

When Yongsun pressed her mouth against Byulyi’s in a goodbye kiss she couldn’t sleep.  Her mind had left her.  Careful training and years of preparation to be the perfect political wife had been thrown to the wind as she felt her heart for once winning out over her mind. 

She sat outside, gazing helplessly at the night sky as she desperately tried to understand herself and the ache in her chest from missing Byulyi. 

And it was from her frustrations at herself and her emotions that she first gave into the hunger for queenship she felt since she was a little girl.

While Byulyi was gone during that year of campaign at the border, the crown prince now King invited Yongsun to the palace.

They chatted for the first time in a few years and Yongsun saw the lust in his eyes.

“The king can have anything he wants,” she had said gently as he glanced at her in surprise.

“You are not just anything, Yongsun-ah.”

“I am not a little girl, Your Majesty.  I know when I am wanted.”

This was everything she should have always been.  She could hear in her mind the enticing whisper of power and her mother wrapping around her brain like a constrictive snake.  Yongsun gave into the intoxicating thought of imagining the king completely at her mercy, bewitched as much as her mother had bewitched the old king. 

It had been so easy to just give into that ambitious part of herself as she let the king pull her into his lap and kiss her with the passion of a lustful man.

All she could think of as she closed her eyes and gripped at his royal dragon robes, was that this is what power tasted like. 

You will always be unsatisfied, the old king had said.  And Yongsun knew, as she thought of Byulyi behind closed eyelids as the king began to pull off her silk robe, that he was right.

———————————

forward

She had promised herself that she would abandon her feelings for Byulyi now that she had finally gotten what she had wanted.  The king had a queen but she had captured his heart.  The palace was finally hers just as her mother had wanted. 

And yet she found herself still writing to the other girl like nothing had changed.  The outpouring of her thoughts and wishes were too hard to control.  Perhaps it was easier to write to Byulyi and not think of the consequences because she could not see the other’s face and physically see the person she was opening up to.

Despite her conflicted feelings, she couldn’t compartmentalize the part of herself that desperately wanted power and the part of herself that was falling for Byulyi. She wanted to stay firm and hold onto one position, some days choosing one or the other. But then she had heard that Byulyi was returning from the border and some part of herself couldn’t stop from waiting outside the house for her. 

She gazed at the blossoms of the old trees from two years ago and her heart swelled as she thought of that moment when she had seen eyes on her that were so captivated that Yongsun was speechless.

Seeing Byulyi finally arrive at the house, covered in blood and grime with eyes listless, opened the flood gates of concern and empathy.

“Husband,” she said in front of the small crowds lining the streets and the string of soldiers riding before and in front of the girl.  The returning march of the victorious soldiers was crowded and jubilant in stark contrast to the lonely sorrow deep in Byulyi’s eyes. 

The other girl had servants rush to her side and take her horse as she dismounted and stumbled toward Yongsun.  Thoughtlessly she reached out and took Byulyi in her arms.  She couldn’t believe the tears that welled in her eyes as she clung onto her. 

“I missed you,” she choked out feeling more lost than ever.

Her feelings only worsened when she waited in their shared room as Byulyi returned in a fresh white robe and face scrubbed clean.  She still seemed incredibly sad as she sat down next to Yongsun who was expectantly waiting on their bed.

“How have you been, Yongsun-ah?” Byulyi asked with a kind smile that didn’t reach her eyes.  The sight made it easy for Yongsun to tear up, show the vulnerability that was so hard for her.  She leaned into the other woman’s shoulder, inhaling the familiar smell of Byulyi as a warm arm wrapped around her waist.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered like it was a secret.  I shouldn’t crave you and care about you as much as I do but…

“And I, you.”  Byulyi’s grip tightened around her and Yongsun felt incredible guilt at how simple she was. 

“A-are you alright?  You seem sadder.”

“The way the last battle ended was particularly hard.”

Yongsun swallowed.  She didn’t have to probe.  She gained nothing by probing.  But she was compelled to when she pulled a little away and saw that Byulyi’s eyes were wet.  Reaching a hand out, she tentatively wiped at the tears with a thumb.

“Byulyi-ah.”

Byulyi paused at the way she said her name, focusing on Yongsun’s face.  This time Yongsun couldn’t quite hear her mother’s voice warning her to not get too invested in someone who could only bring her a paltry amount of power as some military captain. 

All she could hear was Byulyi’s soft whimper into her mouth as she kissed her so deeply that both of them saw stars.

———————————

forward

It was a chilly fall day as Yongsun went with Byulyi to the palace.  The other woman looked rather dashing in her full military regalia, freshly promoted after another successful military campaign.  They looked the part of a successful and attractive couple as they walked together to her mother’s quarters, exchanging fond smiles as they talked. 

Yongsun wondered about what the court ladies would say behind her back about the wife of a successful warrior who was sleeping with the king whenever her husband wasn’t warming her bed.  The thought made her link arms with Byulyi and give the girl an adoring smile

“Will the king be sending you off soon?” she asked as they turned toward the familiar gates of her mother’s quarters. Yongsun had been able to convince the king to give the nicest building that a former wife of his father could possible have.

“He told me I can have some reprieve during the winter.  The men at the border now are doing a fine job without me.”

“Is that just what you told him?” teased Yongsun sticking out her tongue a little at the professional response.

“I also told him how much I missed and adored my wife, of course.”

The words caused Yongsun’s face to still and she felt sick as she tried to think of how to respond.  But then they had arrived at her mother’s building.

“You go have tea with your mother.  I’ll see how the preparations for the banquet are faring.”

“You will be sitting with my mother’s side.”

Byulyi nodded and gently squeezed her hand once before leaving, an impressive figure that had the eyes of court ladies watching with awe.  Yongsun swallowed once before entering her mother’s quarters, hands shaking a little as she tried to ignore her nerves.

“You called for me, mother,” she said calmly as she saw her mother sitting at her usual spot of power at the front of the room.

“We have much to discuss, Yongsun.  You hold both Moon Byulyi and the king in your hands and we should decide soon which one we wish to keep and which one we wish to dispose of.”

Yongsun bit her tongue as she sat down in front of her mother, feeling like a little girl again who was being reprimanded.

“What do you mean, Mother?”

“You cannot have both in your life.  We know that you cannot embrace both the moon and the sun together.  Moon Byulyi is no fool and neither is the king.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“I think you should give up Moon Byulyi and become the queen you deserve to be.”

Yongsun bit her tongue as she tried to stop the nausea from overwhelming her.

“You don’t think that she could be of some use? I don’t doubt that in a few years she could be a general.”

“What power does a soldier have now that the king has become distrustful of military and is making them work like servants?”

“That distrust he has was something that I had planted on your advice, mother!”

Yongsun’s mother’s eyes narrowed at the outburst.  Yongsun tried to compose herself with a nervous swallow. 

“Why do you ask me for opinions when it seems that you have chosen for me?”

“Do you honestly think you could live with yourself if you spent all your life as Moon Byulyi’s wife? Your taste for power and the throne is just as strong as mine was.”

“I…”  Yongsun licked her lips and met her mother’s arched eyebrows.  She hated the almost smug smile she saw, like a cat trapping a mouse.  Because her mother was right.  Just as her heart tugged at her to follow Byulyi, her mind craved to follow the king to his throne.

She was trapped by her mother just as much as she was trapped by her own ambition.

“So what do you suggest, mother? If I am to suddenly replace the queen? And get rid of Moon Byulyi without it getting back to me?”

Her mother smiled like the question was so stupidly obvious.  The sight made Yongsun’s jaw clench.

“The military officers have acknowledged Moon Byulyi’s skill as a potentially great commanding officer.  Apparently some soldiers are ripe for a coup.  All we need is for the king to suspect Byulyi and for Byulyi to doubt the king.  If any rumor of Moon Byulyi with conspirators for the throne came out, the king will be forced to act to eliminate her.  Not only will this leave you free to be the king’s wife, but his distrust of the military will only throw him more on our side.”

“We will be his only counsel,” whispered Yongsun, struggling to contain her horror.

“Plant the seed of doubt in Moon Byulyi’s head tonight, Yongsun-ah.  Tell her about the king forcing soldiers to be laborers.  Tell her about the suspicions he has for his relatives’ duplicitous plots.  Tell her of how scared you are.”

“That’s all?”

“Yes.  Once that seed is planted it will grow and grow until we can pluck its fruit and enjoy the sweetness of you as queen and the kingdom as ours.”

Yongsun felt her mouth go dry as she found herself nodding, not completely able to deny the thrill that rushed through her as she thought of her dream from years ago as a little girl of her walking through the palace in the full regalia of the queen.  Happy with her head high and smile proud.

———————————

forward

Even though she had agreed to her mother’s plan, there was no acting on any moving parts.  Yongsun had told Byulyi of her fears of the king and although she had patiently listened there was no action.  Her wife was no impassioned leader. 

Maybe that was why she had agreed to the scheme.  Because she knew deep down that the other girl did not have it in her to want to overthrow the king. That thought was what kept the guilt from completely overwhelming her as she lived with Byulyi. 

She could live with her because she believed that she wasn’t giving her a death sentence.

At least not yet.

“The king seems intent on sending me to the border again despite the peace after the last campaign.” 

Yongsun watched Byulyi from their shared bed on the heated floor, eyes still bleary with sleep.  The other girl had her sword unsheathed as she took to sharpening the blade with eyes intent.

“Do you doubt his mental health?” Yongsun mumbled into her pillow, eyes downcast.

“I do not doubt the king. I am only concerned for him.  It is no secret that most of the military is upset with him.  Besides myself and the men to the far north, most of us soldiers are being treated as little better than entertainers and laborers.”

At her mother’s request, Yongsun thought with a strange feeling of revulsion.

“So are you happy then that you can go to battle and advance in rank?”

“Yongsun-ah, you know that was always my father’s dream, not mine.”

“You completely lack ambition, don’t you?”

She didn’t mean to have the words come out as sharply as they did. Biting her tongue, she pressed her face into the pillow.  These days she felt like she was going crazy.  An unbearable pressure seemed to rest on her chest and she couldn’t relieve it no matter how hard she tried.

Is this what it felt when a liar finally has a conscience? she thought with a grimace.

Yongsun peeked from her spot on the bed, surprised to see Byulyi looking at her with a smoldering gaze.

“Do you resent me for not having the desire to be as great and as ambitious as the king?”

There was an edge to Byulyi’s usually even and measured voice.  It chilled Yongsun to see the usually level-headed girl look at her so cooly.  Yes, she wanted to reply.  Yes, I resent you because while you can be happy with just a simple lifestyle and me at your side I am stuck suffering in an unquenchable greed for power. While you are perfectly simple I am corrupted.

“Why do you mention the king?  While he has made impressive temples and bridges, you have waged wars and won them.  How is that not ambition?”

“Those were orders, Yongsun-ah.  They were not things I burned to do.  Not like how the king plans grandiose infrastructure projects or has dreams of making Goryeo the center for some Buddhist utopia.”

Yongsun bit her lip as she looked at Byulyi.  Maybe the woman wasn’t as blind and simple as she thought.  Something itched under her skin at the thought of her underestimating her.  Her pride hurt.

But greater than her pride was the desire to make Byulyi’s frown disappear.

She rose from the blankets, pulling her loose silk robe closer to her chest as she crossed over to the sitting girl.  Yongsun felt almost sad at how easy it was for Byulyi’s tense mood to dissipate as she gently stroked her cheek with a hand.

Kneeling next to her, Yongsun turned Byulyi’s head until they were staring at each other, a breath apart.

“Byulyi-ah,” she whispered against the other girl’s lips.  She watched as those lips parted and soft brown eyes trembled. 

She couldn’t apologize or say that Byulyi’s words were wrong. But she could just kiss her and hope that they could share some happiness in the honesty of their physical intimacy.  As Byulyi tightly gripped her waist and Yongsun tangled her hands into the other girl’s hair she couldn’t help the tears stinging her eyes.

She was pushed onto her back and Byulyi hungrily pulled open her robe to expose her bare stomach.  Yongsun let out a little gasp as her warm mouth traveled down her neck, kissing wetly with a hunger tempered by affection.

“You love me too much,” she whispered too softly for Byulyi to hear and those tears final fell.

———————————

forward

Two years was a very long time.

It was a blur of letters to Byulyi and breathy kisses from a king driven half mad by her purposeful whispers.  Yongsun wondered sometimes in the darkness of night if it was good that she would be separated from Byulyi for extended periods of time.  Although some part that she could not deny ached for Byulyi, there was a part of her that was grateful that the other girl never saw her like this.

Whispering poisonous words into the king’s ear as he held her at night, mouth twisting into a smile as she heard him respond just how she thought he would.  The taste of power was always hot on her tongue and it was almost like bloodlust, constantly edging her on to return to the king’s embrace like an addiction.

It was all too easy in the throes of her desire for power to whisper how she could never completely be the king’s as Moon Byulyi’s wife.  And how there were rumors that there were two kings in Goryeo.  One was king by blood and one was king by worth.

The pieces of the complicated puzzle that she had been putting into place were so close to perfectly coming together.  The thought simultaneously nauseated her and thrilled her. 

Yongsun sat outside with a book in hand, watching the wind rustle the garden in deep contemplation.  A mindless distraction before she would most likely be called to the palace under the cover of darkness. 

“Lady Kim.”

She looked up, curious at how early a palace courier had arrived.

“I didn’t know His Highness wanted to call me so soon.”

“This is not a letter from, His Highness.”

Yongsun tilted her head a little with a smile sharper than she normally allowed.  Being apart from Byulyi for so long seemed to make it harder for her to remember how to be kind. 

“And who is it from then?”

“Your mother.”

Yongsun felt her face go hot as a sense of dread filled her chest.  She practically snatched the scroll from the man’s hands and snapped the fabric taut.

A trembling gasp escaped her lips.

The message wasn’t terribly long.  Her mother was not a woman to go on verbose tangents about her plans.  She was savagely concise.

I have called Moon Byulyi to the palace under your name. According to spies outside the city gates, she should be arriving soon.  As you know, the king has come to despise her.  The king, in a fit of hysterics has stated that if she returns to the palace it will be treason.  Stay at your home in case Moon Byulyi comes there first and convince her to go to the palace.  When she comes to the palace gate’s she will be convicted of conspiring treason.

The scroll dropped from her fingers, clattering to the ground.

It was finally happening.  Byulyi would fall to the hand of her mother.  She and her mother would get the power they so desired at last.

And yet why did Yongsun find herself standing and calling for a palanquin to escort her to the palace?  She was never an impulsive person.  Always calculated to the last moment.  And yet she found herself rushing to the palace gates, her blood pounding in her ears as she desperately hoped that she was wrong.

What do you do when you cross a line and realize you never wanted to cross it?

“I am a fool,” Yongsun bit out to herself in the quiet of the palanquin.  Now as she realized she was truly sacrificing something far more precious than she wanted to admit, she couldn’t stand the thought of letting it go.  Yongsun felt like something so carefully and tightly wound had come unhinged within her.  This was blind passion, she thought as she hurriedly stepped out of her palanquin, now inside the palace. 

She passed by the guards without a glance, making her way to the king’s chambers and ignoring the eunuchs and court ladies who were scrambling to announce her arrival.

There was a moment when she stood in front of the king’s door, her heart burning in her chest as she let her frenzied actions finally catch up to her.  Did she want this? Was she acting impulsively?

And if she wasn’t. If this was what she wanted… just how could she put a stop to this perfect plan already set in motion?

rewind

“There is an old saying,” Byulyi murmured into Yongsun’s hair.  She giggled at the sensation and her smile widened as warm hands splayed against her back.

“And what is this saying?” she asked, gazing up at Byulyi’s dancing eyes.

“Sometimes the easiest solutions are right in front of us.  In battle, there are always marks of greatness in any opposing side.  An excellent archer.  A fierce warrior.  A brilliant strategist.  My job as a commanding officer is to find those people that set the enemy apart from my soldiers and eliminate them.  To narrow the odds.”

Yongsun made an interested sound, feeling a rare thrill at the authoritative way Byulyi spoke.  It was not often that the other girl spoke of her life as a soldier with such passion. 

“Sometimes when you see the army’s opposing general coming at you on his big horse and you know that the general is the key to everything but you have to kill him, it all feels overwhelming.”

A warm hand on Yongsun’s naked back slid up to lightly play with the hair at the base of her scalp.

“Instead of getting afraid of the prospects of taking down the giant general in an impossible situation, I think it’s easy to keep things simple.”

Yongsun practically purred as Byulyi held her tighter and whispered teasingly into her ear.

“If you kill the horse, then you kill the general.”

forward

Yonsgun smiled.  Her mother was the general commanding this particular battlefield. Yongsun was her mother’s most beloved horse.  And so she had to bring herself to her knees so that she could win this last fight.

———————————

forward

It had been too easy to goad the king into hurting her with his sword.  His mental health was already so precarious with a mixture of suspicion and guilt clouding his mind.  All it had taken were sharp criticisms of his aptitude as king. A rejection of his love.  A declaration of her renewed loyalty for Byulyi. 

“You pretended for all those years that you had my best interest at heart and that you loved me?” sneered the king, his sword dripping crimson with her blood.  “You are truly a frightening woman.”

Yongsun just grit her teeth as she pressed a hand to where sticky red seeped onto her silks.  She closed her eyes and remembered her father saying similar words in this same throne room years ago.

“How could I have ever thought I loved you?”

And she smiled because she wondered if Moon Byulyi ever wondered the same thing.

———————————

forward

Yongsun tipped her head back as she sat near the queen’s quarters, the color of the sky edged with scarlet from the drops of blood that still clung to her eyelashes.  It had taken far too much effort to drag herself from the king’s quarters to outside.  She let out a wheezing breath, the coppery tang of blood coating her tongue, as she pressed her hand against her side.

“If the horse as fallen, then maybe the general has, too,” she choked out through bloody teeth. 

“Not quite.” 

Yongsun peeked out of the corner of her eye at a woman dressed like a geisang with luxurious silks and lips painted as red as the blood pouring from her chest.

“Does the grim reaper visit me even before I am dead?”

“Well I’m not a grim reaper.  I only visit particularly bad souls in their final moments.  You have a rather long list of immoral crimes.  Adultery, lust for the throne, and manipulation of innocents, to name a few.”

“I had to do it.  I didn’t have a choice!” hissed Yongsun, the words said so violently that bits of bloody spittle dripped from her mouth.

“Are you satisfied now?” the woman asked as she pulled out a long and thin wooden pipe, cocking her head coquettishly to the side as she blew a stream of bluish smoke into her face.  “Are you happy with all of the choices you made blinded by your greedy ambition?”

“At least my last choice was a good one.  I protected Byulyi in the end.”

“Oh? How so?”

“The king no longer has the motivation to comply with my mother now that I am no longer factored into this scheme.  Now he’ll look at my mother and he advice like it’s poison.”

The gisaeng's lips twisted up bitterly.

“And what of your Moon Byulyi? How do you think she will feel? Have you factored her into this?  Have you factored in her love for you?”

Yongsun gasped as her chest burned and she could barely sit up properly. 

“S-she won’t do anything.. she will mourn my death and then continue with her life as a soldier.”

“You are foolish if you blind yourself with those lies.  Kim Yongsun, you have committed the gravest sin of all with your thoughtless actions.  You have damned an innocent soul to become a part of your treachery.  You have damned Moon Byulyi as much as you have damned yourself.”

She felt her heart drop at the words as cool brown eyes glared down at her like she was absolutely nothing. 

“What.. what do you-”

“Moon Byulyi will murder the king and bring about an era of political instability that will eventually lead to Goryeo’s downfall.  The barbarians that she had been so ardently fighting in the north will see the weakness of this kingdom and steal the pieces.  You and that girl have succeeded in plunging this country into darkness for the next three hundred years.”

Yongsun trembled at the words, feeling the weight of them with each measured statement.  She shut her eyes, speechless with a myriad of emotions too plentiful to name.

“Your Highness, please have mercy!”

And suddenly her eyes were open and there was Byulyi, the face of the woman she loved and had not seen in nearly two years.  She could barely get out any words to Byulyi’s worried questions.  When she was scooped up, Yongsun’s eyes fluttered closed as she felt the warmth of Byulyi’s arms and the measured sound of her heartbeat.  Her eyes filled with tears as she tasted the blood in the back of her throat. 

“Byulyi-ah,” she whispered so quietly that the other girl couldn’t hear her, “I’m… so sorry for lying to you.”

She swallowed the blood and began to mouth the words against the other woman’s skin.

If I could have turned back time… I would have never met you.  And you would have never met me.  You could have been happier that way.  Without my mother’s plotting and my ambition.  I selfishly wish that you will never know that this side of my existed.  The side that had an affair with the king and was planning to cast you aside so that I could become queen.

I loved you like a thief in the night coveting the stars.

Yongsun faintly heard Byulyi mention that they were close.  But out of the corner of her eye she saw flowers that reminded her of the first day she had met Byulyi.  She wanted the last thing that she felt as she was pushed to her end to be that warmth of Byulyi’s arms and that feeling of pure captivation that had pulled Yongsun to the other woman.

Fruitlessly she had begged her to not kill the king, her eyes struggling to stay open as she looked at Byuulyi’s face, desperately committing the image to memory.

Oh heaven… I dare to beg for you to let me meet her again.  Let me see a glimpse of her one time a thousand years from now.  In a time and place where this kingdom is ash and the only thing we know about each other is our love.

Yongsun knew as she weakly pulled Byulyi into one last kiss that she tasted like copper and tears.

Chapter Text

Moonbyul glanced out the window at the people walking by the coffee shop.  She was fighting the urge to check her watch again.  She knew without even looking that it was 4:59 and Solar was an hour late.

After not texting back for nearly a week, Moonbyul had finally resorted to having Wheein act as the messenger with a lengthy hand-written note.  She had ignored the mutterings of enabling the next Romeo and Juliet, waiting eagerly for a reply.  A few days later, Wheein came back with a strangely drawn expression, tentatively handing back a paper folded so many times that the words written were practically blurred.

Coffee at 4?

And so Moonbyul had waited, leg thumping and mind racing.  She knew that what Solar had felt in the moments of their date had been overwhelming and confusing.  That part of herself was what made her keep a respectful distance and respect when she had asked for space. But another part was desperate for any interaction the other girl would give her. 

So if Solar couldn’t stand to look at her romantically because of the dredges of past memories, Moonbyul was willing to let her go.  She had practiced the speech.  She was going to tell Solar how she understood if things were too awkward to pursue anything at the moment.  And even though some part of her ached at the thought of it, she’d tell the other girl that it was okay if she needed space more permanently.  She just wanted some sort of communication from Solar.

Yongsun and Solar both struggled to convey their feelings clearly.

In the time long ago that was edged a little with grey, Moonbyul remembered Yongsun murmuring into her ear as they lay in darkness that she struggled with saying what she felt.  She would tamp down on any doubts and trust whatever Solar said completely because she lov-

“Excuse me.”

Moonbyul looked up at the murmur and saw that Solar was standing near her table, letting an annoyed waitress walk by her.  Even though it had only been a week, the sight of the other girl in a black skirt and pale sweater made her heart pound.  Without even thinking she was grinning.

“Were you watching me for awhile?”

Solar, whose eyes had dropped to the floor out of what must have been embarrassment, nodded.  She clenched her jaw once before looking up and Moonbyul felt her stomach churn at just how intense her eyes shone.  It was like she was seeing Moonbyul for the first time.

“I hadn’t seen you in awhile,” Solar simply said, her voice a little rough from disuse.  Moonbyul grinned again as she conjured up a steaming mug of tea, sliding it over with ease.

“So you missed me?”

Solar swallowed and god were her eyes shiny like she was about to cry.

“I missed you.”

Moonbyul’s smile faltered a bit but she tried to hide it as she gestured for the other girl to sit.  There was something unusually regal about Solar as she sat, back ramrod straight and hands clasped demurely in her lap.  She was more Yongsun than ever and it startled Moonbyul.

“Have you been well?”

Solar flinched and her eyes dropped to the table.  Moonbyul frowned as she watched Solar’s jaw twitch once.  The thoughts the other girl must be having scared Moonbyul.  The fear of the unknown was something she never could quite handle.  Even though she could no longer die.

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

“Do you?”

“That’s why I didn’t contact you for so long.”

Moonbyul swallowed the tumultuous wave of complicated emotions that threatened to overwhelm her. 

“I see.”

Solar eyes slid up from the wooden table top and as they looked into each other’s eyes she felt something electric.  The other woman seemed to be looking at her as if she was trying to find something she had lost.

“You seem fine with this.”

“I was actually going to talk to you about our… relationship today.  I wanted to let you know that if you needed space, physical or emotional, that was fine by me.”

“So you wouldn’t mind if I never saw you again?”

Moonbyul’s mouth pulled downward.

“Well I wouldn’t go that far.  I… I would always want to see you.  It’s just more of a matter of if you want to see me.  And if you never wanted to see me again… then I would have to be fine with it.”

“Why? You clearly have feelings for me.  Why would you prioritize my feelings over yours?”

Moonbyul’s frown deepened at the strange needling persistence in Solar’s words.  It was like she was unsatisfied with whatever answer she provided. 

“Solar-ssi… are you looking for a particular answer from me? I want to do what makes you most comfortable, despite how it makes me feel.  That’s my priority.”

“You always do that!”

Moonbyul swallowed at the ferocity in the words.  She saw a few curious heads turn in their direction.  Worrying about getting the other woman any more angry, Moonbyul decided to not use her powers to create an orb of silence around them.

“What do you mean?” she asked, dropping her voice lower to try to temper the angry outburst.  But Solar’s eyes were shining with something and cajoling words didn’t seem like a cure to whatever it was.

“Don’t you have any pride? I’m pushing you away even though I can tell how much you want me.  Why don’t you fight me back? Why don’t you tell me how much you want me and chase after me?”

“Because that feeling of desire for you is outweighed by my respect for you, Solar-ssi. And if you feel that you want to stop seeing me then I will respect your wishes.”

Solar’s jaw twisted and Moonbyul’s breath caught as tears trickled down her face.

“Y-you idiot… you always just let me jerk you around whichever way I pleased…”

Finally Moonbyul put the world on pause with a snap of her wrist so that the everything was still.  It was just her and Solar in a coffee shop, cacooned by the intimacy of an artificial bubble of silence.  She rose from her seat and tentatively approached the other woman.  She knelt slowly at her side and looked up at Solar’s face, pulling a handkerchief from the pocket of her coat.  Solar looked down at her then and the usual spark crackled between the two of them and Moonbyul’s heart pounded. 

Solar’s eyes were tinged red and instead of grabbing the handkerchief she did something else.

It had been so long since Moonbyul had been kissed.  There had been other women after Yongsun of course.  Some she had enjoyed because of their intellect.  Some because they had looked like Yongsun.  She had even loved one, a sharp-tongued girl with a mischievous smile in the southern coast who had held her with simple comfort.  There was no thousand year history that pulled at Moonbyul’s heart with her and every touch felt fresh.

But this touch.  Her touch.  It was like the time Moonbyul had tried to die, letting her body drift aimlessly in a boat at sea during a storm.  The waves crashed against her and the thunder crackled above her, overwhelming her senses as perhaps the only human part of her clung onto a desperation to live.  As the little fishing boat nearly capsized every few minutes with the mighty waves of the sea and the fearsome winds of the heavens, Moonbyul had for the first and last time feared for her life.

That was what this felt like as Solar breathed warmly against her mouth, tangling urgent fingers into the curling hairs at the base of Moonbyul’s scalp, pulling her closer.

And gods, when she felt Solar’s tongue trace the curve of her bottom lip, time almost started again as she desperately pulled the other woman down toward her by the waist, pushing urgently upward.

Suddenly a hand pushed against her chest and Moonbyul stopped, almost falling onto her heels in a daze.  Solar was staring down at her, one hand still threaded in her hair.  Her mouth was a little red and her lipstick was a little smeared.  For some reason the sight made Moonbyul smile.

But then those tears threatened to spill in Solar’s eyes again and Moonbyul couldn’t temper her reaction anymore.  She rose and pulled the other woman to her chest despite the awkwardness of Solar sitting and Moonbyul standing.  But the touch was reciprocated as she felt Solar’s head nuzzle against her stomach.  Moonbyul gently stroked the crown of her head as she felt the other woman start to cry in earnest.

“Solar-ssi… Solar-ssi, you’re alright.  Right now we exist in a time and place that is only ours.  There is no past nor future.  We’re in a sliver of time that only is the present.”

Solar suddenly pulled back and she grabbed at Moonbyul’s coat, almost angrily looking up at her with her face still blotchily red from crying.

Letting out a shuddering breath Solar shook her head.  She stood and Moonbyul started to go cross-eyed as Solar leaned forward, still clutching at the lapels of her dark grey jacket.

They were so close now that they shared the same breath and to Moonbyul this was more sacred then any communion she had with heaven or hell.  Solar was her religion in this moment of frozen time and any caress was Moonbyul’s salvation.

“Byulyi-ah, did you ever gaze at the night sky and yearn for a time when we could share it together again?”

Moonbyul felt her body stiffen at the words.  Byulyi… but only Yongsun knew that name.

As if reading her mind, the other woman smiled and leaned back a little so Moonbyul could see Solar’s face more clearly.  A warm hand softly stroked her cheek, affection tempered by hesitancy. 

Moonbyul let out a shaky breath and leaned into the warmth, not breaking eye contact with Solar.

“I couldn’t stop staring at you when I saw you again.  It felt like a thousand years passed by in an instant.”

Moonbyul’s breath caught in her throat and she felt herself tremble. 

“Even though you dyed your hair and you no longer carried a sword… how could I have ever forgotten you?”  Yongsun swallowed and she smiled and Moonbyul was taken back to the time, now a little grey around the edges, when Yongsun had flashed her the same smile when General Moon had ridden through the gates of their home.  It was a welcoming smile.

“Y-yongsun…” Moonbyul whispered, trembling a little as she reached forward.  But Yongsun shook her head minutely as she took a step back, putting distance between the two of them.  The warm feeling in Moonbyul’s chest dissipated in an instant.

“But I did forget you didn’t I?  I was put on this earth with no memory and forced to be a grim reaper.  I was punished for hundreds of years by Heaven.  Did you ever wonder why?”

“Wasn’t it… wasn’t it because of me?”

Yongsun scoffed and her eyes seemed to be wet again.

“You always put all the blame on yourself.  I saw how you would look after those years of fighting the campaigns to the north.  Did you know you would sleep talk sometimes?  And you would talk about a boy trapped under a horse?  You didn’t tell me that’s why you barely slept but I knew you held guilt in your heart.  And even a thousand years later that part about you hasn’t changed.”

“Y-yongsun.”

“Heaven wasn’t punishing me because of you, Moon Byulyi.  Heaven was punishing you because of me.”

Moonbyul frowned and tilted her head slightly in confusion, trying to understand such a foreign concept.

“What are you talking about?”

“We destroyed a dynasty together, you and I.  But didn’t you know that it was my fault that everything fell apart and you were just a chess piece on the board. I was maneuvering you and the king whichever way I pleased and you both just blindly swayed to my whims.”

“I don’t understand.”

Yongsun mouth twitched and she laughed a little, the sound bitter and cold.

“Of course you wouldn’t understand.  Because I fooled you for a thousand years.  I let you think you were the cause of my suffering for so long.  But Byulyi, didn’t you know? I was your downfall.”

“What are you talking about?”  Moonbyul cried out in frustration as dread chilled her.  There was something terrifying at the way Yongsun spoke in this moment of frozen time.  It was like they were both at an equilibrium with their present and past selves.  In this place Yongsun and Solar were together with Byulyi and Moonbyul.     

“I slept with the king.  Multiple times when you were away.  I did it because I wanted the power of being queen.  And I lied about it to you until the day I died.  And you had no idea! You trusted me like some loving idiot with absolutely no clue!”

Moonbyul shoulders dropped and suddenly time started again.  She registered that people were suddenly bustling around.  Probably a few were staring at her and Yongsun in confusion but nosy people stared and didn’t intervene. 

Speechlessly Moonbyul swayed, putting out a hand and leaning heavily against the coffee table.  It was like she had been struck in the side by a sword.  She wheezed out a pained breath and glanced up at Yongsun who wordlessly watched her with an expression like stone. 

“I am not telling you this because I want to apologize or because I want your forgiveness.  I needed to tell you so you could truly know what kind of person you loved.”

Moonbyul tried to breathe as she looked down, her gaze falling to the tabletop and her pale hand balled up into an agonizingly tight fist.

She heard Yongsun start to move first and without thinking she reflexively grabbed for the other woman’s wrist.  Her grip was loose and if Yongsun had wanted to, she could have pulled free with the weakest of tugs.  But she stopped and their gazes met again.

“Then did you never love me?”

The words tasted pathetic on Moonbyul’s mouth, like some simpering dog begging for one last scrap. 

Yongsun sighed and seemed to contemplate something for a long moment. 

“The only honest thing I ever told you were the words I love you.”

And then she pulled away and the cafe bells jingled as Yongsun left in a hurried blur, leaving Moonbyul behind in a time moving painfully forward.

———————————

She wandered for hours afterward, trying to clear her head.  But she could see so clearly Moonbyul’s eyes shifting from unbearable pain to numbness in seconds.  And she had done that with a few sentences. 

It was the truth but it seemed to be a cage, trapping her in a painful loop of those five seconds.  Pain to apathy. 

She collapsed onto the bench and shakily exhaled, watched as tendrils of her warm breath curled in the frigid air.  The coldness hurt in a pleasant way she found as it prickled sharply against her face.  It reminded her of a time so long ago when Byulyi had held her from behind and breathed against the nape of her neck, cacooning them in warmth.

“I didn’t think you would be able to do it.”

Yongsun glanced up and saw a beautiful woman with bright red lipstick and hair styled in a classic black bob.  Her legs we tanned and bare, the only protection from the winter being a gauche fur coat that ended just above her knees. 

Samshin Grandmother in the flesh.

“I like you better in this outfit than the last one.”

“Really? I thought the 10th century Goryeo outfit was rather timeless.”

Yongsun tilted her head a little and her mouth curled bitterly.

“You really succeeded in manufacturing my perfect hell.  Making me fall in love with her again and then revealing to myself how much of a monster I am.  Is this your personal version of a soap opera?”

“You didn’t have to tell her.  You could have just continued being with her and had a fresh start.”

“But how could I even dream of doing that? How could I even think of lying to her face a second time?”

Samshin Grandmother shrugged. 

“There is a reason you are a grim reaper, Kim Yongsun.  Hell wasn’t enough for you.  It wouldn’t be a surprise for you to pull something like that.”

Even though it was the truth it stung and Yongsun’s eyes welled with tears.  She slumped forward as she crossed her arms over her chest.  If she held herself like this then maybe she could hold herself together, too.

“Why are you here? Do you enjoy tormenting me in my most painful moments?”

“I think you know why I am here.”

“Do I?”

Suddenly the world around them went grey, the sky black and the sun a dim white orb.  Samshin Grandmother stood before her in ornate robes of white and black silk, her hair now long and pulled into an ornate up-do.  In one hand she held a long pipe and in the other she held a simple slip of paper. 

“When you were in hell do you remember how you were punished?”

Yongsun looked down at her clothes and saw that she was wearing the clothes of a thousand years ago but they were sopping wet like she had just been thrown in a river.

“I was drowning but I could never die.  I suffocated to death a thousand times before I was pulled out of the water and asked to sign a contract.”  Yongsun’s eyes slid pointedly to the yellowed piece of parchment in Samshin Grandmother’s hand.  “After dying so many times like that anything was a better alternative.  Even damning my soul to eternity as a grim reaper.”

“Yes, being a grim reaper is your respite from Hell.”

“More like a hell by a different name.”

Samshin Grandmother just laughed and took a drag from her pipe, letting purple smoke escape from blood red lips.

“Regardless… you are aware that this is a contractual arrangement.  You lead the souls of the newly dead to their destinations and you don’t have to drown under the weight of your lies and falsehoods for all eternity.”

Yongsun merely flicked her wet sleeve with pointed emphasis.

“I am aware.”

“So, would you mind telling me, Kim Yongsun, why you have ceased completing your duties as a grim reaper?”  Smoothly stuffing the contract into one sleeve, Samshin Grandmother snapped her now free fingers and at Yongsun’s feet were a pile of names. 

“A Grim Reaper cannot afford to be negligent even for a single second.  Let alone a week.”

“I am aware.”

Samshin Grandmother grit her teeth. 

“And yet here you are, Kim Yongsun.  Planning and plotting as usual.”

“Planning? I do not know what you-”

“You know what happens to Grim Reapers that neglect their duties.  We send them back to hell.  But of course another Grim Reaper cannot do that task.  No, it goes to one who is much like a god.  But still bound and damned like the lot of you.”

“A goblin?” Yongsun asks mirthlessly with a barely there smile.

“You are aware that Moon Byulyi will have to strike you down to hell with her sword if you do not comply with your contractual arrangement. Is that why you gave her a reason to hate you? Did you think that way she wouldn’t feel as reluctant to throw you back into your eternal punishment?”

She sighed and looked down at her soaked skirts.  Yongsun could recall the suffocating feeling of being unable to breath, her lungs filling with water as she drowned over and over and over again.

She had cried for anyone.  Buddha, the gods, her mother, her father, Byulyi.  Dying a thousand times over and over non-stop.  The pain being excruciating every single instance and being helpless to stop the loop. 

But that paled in comparison to the pain she felt when she saw Byulyi’s eyes fill with tears. 

“We both know that if I did not make her hate me she would never raise her sword against me.  And she would be damned right along with me.”

“You are making the same mistakes, Kim Yongsun.  Acting with what you think are the best intentions.  Getting yourself damned in the process.  You did it a thousand years ago and you do it here again.”

“Then it is my fate.  And it is something I will happily accept.”

“Why?” Samshin Grandmother asked, her normally composed voice trembling a little unnaturally.  “Why on earth would you continue to make these stupid decisions over and over again?”

“Moon Byulyi was the only good thing in my life.  She… she loved me and I loved her.  It is my life’s only truth.  I will always try to save her.  Even… even if it comes at a great cost.”

“You don’t even know if this is the best decision! You just act, you stupid girl! What if you bring another dynasty to its knees?”

“Do you just expect me to do nothing? To be some puppet whose strings are pulled by the gods?  I have had enough of being pulled and thrown from one agenda to another.”

Samshin Grandmother pressed her lips together, eyes narrowed dangerously. 

“So as long as she is safe the world could burn, hm?”

Yongsun shrugged, clutching at her arms and shivering a little at the chill as her wet clothes clung to her skin.  She had mulled this over for the past week in her little apartment.  Lying flat on her back and staring at the ceiling numbly for hours. 

Even when Wheein had dropped by and tried to talk sense into her, all Yongsun could think of was how Byulyi’s eyes would look as she drove a sword into her chest.  And her resolve had strengthened then. 

“Have you told her yet? That she has to drag me back to hell?”

Samshin Grandmother sighed.   

“Don’t you think Moon Byulyi has suffered enough? Can’t you just let her be in peace?”

“If I am no longer in her life she will finally be at peace.”

“You speak as if you have the knowledge of the gods, Kim Yongsun.”

“Am I wrong? Don’t you think she would still be tormented? Even if my memory was gone and I was Solar again, she would just long for me and a memory that wasn’t even true.”

Samshin Grandmother sighed loudly.

“You truly are something.”

“My mother did say if I had been born a boy, I would have been a king.”

“And then I would have to clean up your bloody mess yet again in that alternate universe.”

Yongsun smiled a little and suddenly the world had color again and they were both dressed in their respective costumes. A grim reaper and a god were just a sweet looking girl and a proud looking woman.

“Moon Byulyi will know of her mission shortly.  You should be ready for your departure at any time.”

“Thank you.”

“Not quite the response I would expect from someone about to be sent to Hell.”

Yongsun stood then and gazed into Samshin Grandmother’s narrowed eyes.  And then she bowed low, her hair flipping forward.

“Good-bye, Samshin Grandmother.”

When she stood up the other woman was gone and all Yongsun had was the biting cold on her cheeks and the faint smell of ancient smoke.

———————————

Moonbyul slumped against the bar, idly examining the way the tumbler reflected the glass and the amber liquid.  She took a shot quickly with a hiss, smiling. 

“You trusted me like some loving idiot who had no idea!”

She laughed again into her hand, eyes narrowing.  She didn’t know how long it had been since she had heard those words.  All she remembered was planting herself down at a bar and not leaving.  Drinking shot after shot and feeling her numbness give way to artificial warmth.

Moonbyul tilted her head and chuckled.  She should have known.  It had been so obvious but she hadn’t even noticed.  She had seen the way the king had looked at her wife but she had thought nothing of it.  Because Yongsun wasn’t looking at him.

She was always looking right at Byulyi.

rewind

The world’s edges were blurry as Byulyi stumbled back to the home.  One of her younger soldiers had helped carry her back, silently taking her good-natured chatter about how excited she was to see her wife and how beautiful she was. 

When the gates were opened she threw back her head.

“Kim Yongsun, come see your husband!”

She saw a candle in Yongsun’s chambers flicker as someone jumped.

“Wife!” she bellowed with a laugh, shoving the soldier away from her with a good-natured smile.  “Come greet me! I battled my fellow soldiers and came out victorious in a most fierce war.”

But when the door slid back it was the maid, not Yongsun, who greeted her.

“M-my Lady did not know you would return so early, My Lord.  She should return to you shortly.  My Lady is visiting her mother at the palace.”

Byulyi’s drunkenness hid from her the slight tremble of the servant girl’s hand. 

forward

“Were you really visiting your mother?” Moonbyul mused quietly as she gestured to the bartender for another drink. She gave an dark chuckle and tapped an expectant finger, waiting for her shot to arrive.  However when she looked at the hands in front of her she frowned.  There was no shot.

Glancing up she was greeted to see Wheein in a simple formal outfit of a pressed white button, down slacks, and a tie.

“Snuck here to disturb me?” Moonbyul observed bitterly.  She titled her head a little with a sly smile as Wheein rolled her eyes. 

“If you were human, you’d be dead by now.  The bartenders were starting to get suspicious.  Your server would have called the hospital if I hadn’t switched with her.”

“I could have just made her forget,” grumbled Moonbyul, grumpily resting her cheek on her fist.  She watched with a bored sigh as Wheein busied herself with meticulously polishing a shot glass, tongue peeking out in concentration.

“Why are you here, Wheein-ah?”

The other girl paused, not looking up from her busy work. 

“I… I was worried about you.”

“Worried? About me?” Moonbyul laughed loudly, ignoring the pointed stares she got from the high-class patrons.  She could buy off their glares for the rest of their lives.

“I know about what happened with Solar-unnie.  It isn’t a pretty sight when a grim reaper remembers.”

“Quite a messy thing to recall why you were damned to eternity.”

“It is.  It makes you want to go back to Hell.”

Moonbyul blinked owlishly, glancing up at Wheein who was looking right back at her.

“Have you ever remembered?”

Wheein smiled and suddenly time was slow.  Moonbyul glanced behind her and watched as a husband poured a glass of water for his wife and the water moved from the pitcher like syrup.

“Any reason for this?” Moonbyul asked, emphatically tapping an impatient nail against her empty glasses.

With a sigh, Wheein grabbed a brown bottle from under the counter and gave a liberal pour.

“Have you ever heard of the legend of Prince Hodong and the Princess of Nakrang?

Moonbyul smiled a little as she looked at the amber liquid in her glass.  She could feel her mind return to a time a little gray where Yongsun had been reading quietly at her desk, waiting for Byulyi to return from training.  During the days when she was back for longer than a few precious weeks.

“It’s a tale nearly a thousand years before my time,” Moonbyul remarked. 

“How stupid to die for someone who doesn’t love you,” Yongsun said.

How stupid indeed.  The whiskey burned as it slid down Moonbyul’s throat in one painful gulp.

“History doesn’t even remember the princess’ name.  All they remember is a stupid girl fell in love with a boy and her entire kingdom burned to the ground because of it.”

“Our country’s Romeo and Juliet,” Moonbyul observed with a sarcastic smile.

“Do you know what really happened?”

Moonbyul blinked owlishly.  She looked up at Wheein and for a moment the vague drunkenness she felt dissipated into sharp clarity.  It was Wheein’s eyes, sharp and pained with loss that seemed older than anything she had ever seen.

“What happened, Princess?” she asked quietly, watching the way Wheein’s eyes slowly close.

“My father… he knew the the kingdom of Koguryeo was eyeing our small country as a future conquest.  They were bigger than us and far more powerful.  And yet we had not yet fallen to another nation. Although we were small we were well-protected and we were very secure. And yet I…”

Moonbyul said nothing but just watched as Wheein’s face contorted.

“I was a girl.  I was a girl and I knew my brother would make an awful king.  All he did was look after women and chase their skirts.  I thought I was one the one who should have the throne. And Prince Hodong of Koguryeo knew this.  He tricked me, saying that if I helped open the gates he would kill my brother and lay my kingdom at my feet.  Prince Hodong did not bribe me with honeyed promises of love.  He promised me power and wealth.  And I believed him. Because I thought it was the best thing to do for Nakrang.”

“So you married him and your kingdom was burned to the ground.”

“History makes us off as some tragic love.  That I was torn when I received some letter from a conflicted Prince Hodong telling me of an impossible choice: my kingdom or his.  But things were not so romantic.  I married him with the full intention of murdering my father and opening the gates to my country for my husband.  And he repaid me with a knife to the back and the last thing I saw was everything I had ever known burning to the ground.”

Moonbyul said nothing as they stared at each other in silence.  For the first time she saw a flicker of the ancient Princess of Nakrang in her regal silk robes as a city burnt to ash behind her.

“When you remembered, what did you do?”

Wheein smiled.

“I went back to where my old city stood and laid in the grass for a day.  When I closed my eyes I could hear everyone like nothing had happened.  Like I was back with them.”

“I see.”

“I couldn’t even ask them to forgive me.  I just existed with my people for one last time because I think I just wanted them to know that if things could be different, I would have burned along with them.”

“Didn’t you? Weren’t you killed within your city’s gates?”

Wheein smiled and Moonbyul could not mistake the teary shine to the other girl’s eyes.

“Hodong dragged me outside the city limits so I could watch the city burn with a knife in my back.  I couldn’t even die as a disgraced princess with her people. I died outside of my country as a traitor with an unmarked grave.”

Moonbyul said nothing as she nodded thinking of her own burial.  Goryeo had not been kind to her either. Stabbed with her own sword ain a field to be carrion for the crows.  But at least she had died on the land she had spent so much of her life trying to protect. 

A small kindness.

Wheein let out a shaky laugh and the heaviness that had weighed on her slight shoulders seemed to dissipate.

“How did you die, General Moon?  Your name isn’t even in a history book.”

“Traitors who murder their mediocre kings do not get a prime spotlight in history, I’m afraid.  He made sure my name was purged along with seven generations of my family.”

Wheein sucked on her teeth.

“What do you think Solar-unnie is doing right now?”

Moonbyul hummed, proud that she didn’t even flinch at the name.  But something felt heavy in her chest.  When she had been resurrected as a goblin with her sword in her chest and the cacophony of crows above her, she hadn’t really thought much of regret and sorrow.  All that burned in her heart had been revenge.

But what havoc could she create when she had already murdered the king and her country was thrown into political upheaval? All she could do was curse the gods for making her an immortal monster.   

If things had been different would she have wandered her old stomping grounds filled with a guilty heart, trying to clutch at a past that would never forgive her?

“It doesn’t matter.  She is free to do whatever she wishes.”

“No she isn’t.  She has to keep being a grim reaper and performing her duties.”

Moonbyul sighed at the familiar voice.  She noticed Wheein’s face redden at the sight of whoever was behind her and her mouth twisted a bit into a smile.  She glanced to her side and saw Samshin Grandmother in a tight black velvet gown.  Her hair was now long and slightly curled, pulled into an elaborate undo that was held elegantly at the base of her neck.  Moonbyul’s eyes flicked down to blood red lips that were strangely unsmiling.

“Is something the matter, Samshin Grandmother?”

Suddenly the entire bar was at regular speed and the familiar chatter of humans mingled with the tinkering of a bored pianist in the corner.

“You need to do something for me.”

Moonbyul eyes flicked to Wheein who was dutifully scrubbing at the counter with a contrite look on her face.  Samshin Grandmother was gazing at her with narrowed eyes, lips pursed as if she wanted to say something.

“Samshin, Grandmother, how can I be of service?

———————————

Yongsun sat down at the temple steps, ignoring the biting chill that nipped at her fingertips.  It had been hard to find any remnants of Goryeo that weren’t reconstructed or tampered with in some unrecognizable way.  But hilariously one of the old king’s temples he had made in his fit of madness still remained standing in relatively decent condition.  It had been a long bus ride but Yongsun hadn’t minded. As the cityscape of Seoul faded into tall trees and stars she felt like she was returning to a time that only existed in museums and yellowed pages of history books.

With her grim reaper hat, she was invisible as she walked up the temple steps of the small shrine, feeling a strange sense of comfort at the familiarity of the architecture.  For a moment she was encased in a time when she was Yongsun of Goryeo, only filled with thoughts of the present and future.  Not the unbearable weight of the past.

She crossed her arms and tipped her head back a little as she stared upward at the curved eaves of the Buddhist temple.  Closing her eyes she could just hear the movements of monks and nuns in their respective places of lodging.  Yongsun had never been very religious, merely going to the temple when she had a wish she wanted granted.  The only time she had ever seriously prayed was when Byulyi had gone to war for the first time and the possibility of the girl never returning had terrified her.

Inhaling, she could smell incense and it reminded her of how Yongsun’s knees had ached with each painful bow in front of a burnished statue of Buddha.  Her thoughts had only been consumed with Byulyi.

It was an instant of awareness when she felt something rest against her shoulder.  When she glanced down to her right she realized that it was the polished edge of a sword.  Yongsun could have turned around and looked behind her but she decided to just stand there with the blade digging into her neck.

“You found me.”

“With the help of Samshin Grandmother.”

Yongsun smiled.

“That woman does love to meddle.”

“She told me something interesting today, though.”

“Oh?”

The sword blade shifted and she found herself being forced to turn around and look right at Moonbyul.  The dim light of the temple complex made her hair almost look black.  The sight of Moonbyul in front of her with a sword in hand made Yongsun nostalgic. 

“She said that I have to find you and bring you to her.  Because we apparently have to send you back to Hell for being a negligent grim reaper.  Would you like to explain?”

“Explain? It seems that you understand perfectly.”

Moonbyul lowered her head and the blade against Yongsun’s throat quivered.  Glancing down she saw tendrils of blue smoke twist around its edge.  It burned against her but she said nothing.

“So that’s it then. You try to end my love for you in a day and then have you erased from the world like it’s nothing.”

“That’s not-”

“Do you know? Do you know how selfish it is to just throw all of this at me and then leave me behind to suffer? Alone again?”

Yongsun swallowed as she watched Moonbyul, face contorted in pain and hand quivering with emotion.

“It is better if I am gone and did not exist anymore in this place.”

“For you maybe.  The blinding pain of hell could erase your memory of the sins you’ve committed on earth… Is that what you were hoping? “

“You were a good soldier till the very end! If you hadn’t killed the king and listened to me, you would be a grave I could visit now.  Some great General Moon who worked tirelessly for her country-”

“His country.  I was living a lie, Yongsun.  I was a boy who was a general and married to a woman who was unfaithful to me.  My whole life was a lie!”

Moonbyul threw the sword angrily from her hands and the blade clattered to the ground, burning with vivid blue flame.  Yongsun swallowed as she watched as the other woman drop her hands to her side, trembling.

“Did you laugh at me… Did you laugh at that stupid girl who was so in love with you that she would write you letters with callused hands? Did you laugh at the soldier who tried to learn poetry to make you smile, staying up late into the night instead of sleeping or memorizing battle strategy?”

Yongsun took a step forward and the sound made Byulyi’s head snap up and tears slipped down her face as she gazed at her like a wounded animal.

“You talk about yourself like you were some fool.”

“I was a fool! I was such a complete fool for you! How could you have made me love you for a thousand years and let me be a fool?”

“Because I was a fool in love with you, too.  We were fools in love with each other.”

“What you did to me was not what you would do to someone you love!” snarled Moonbyul, brown eyes flashing.  “How can you say you loved me with the same mouth that kissed the king in secret while I fought in wars for over ten years?”

Moonbyul strode forward until they were nearly chest to chest and the energy she could feel between the two of them made Yongsun tremble.

“My love for you was not good.  It was not pure.  It was absolutely not the kind of love that is remembered forever in beautiful songs or poems.  But, Moon Byulyi, the love that I had for you was mine and it was the only thing I could never doubt.  What I did for my mother, what I did with the king, what I did to Goryeo.  All those things were sometimes questioned and debated in my head so much that I couldn’t sleep at night.  But you… you were my resting place.”

Yongsun’s lips trembled as tears threatened to spill from her eyes and she swallowed as she looked up into Moonbyul’s face. 

“Why do I still love you?” whimpered Moonbyul.  The question made Yongsun’s chest ache and she couldn’t stop herself as she pressed against the other girl, burying her head into the crook of her neck.

“I wish you didn’t.  I wish you could stop.”

“But I can’t.  I drank so much to try to forget you and hate you.  But all I could think of was that time I brought you flowers pressed in a book you liked and you’d kissed me and said how much you missed me.  I can’t forget the pain you caused me but I can’t forget the happiness either.”

Yongsun swallowed as she whimpered against Moonbyul’s neck and she felt warm arms wrap around her.  They held each other and Yongsun couldn’t help but close her eyes and pretend that they were wrapped in a moment separate from the continuum of time.  That this embrace was just hers and Moonbyul’s.  No gods, monks, or grim reapers could peer into this fragile space.  All that existed was Byulyi and Yongsun.

They pulled back a little and their eyes met.  Yongsun found herself reaching up and wiping her Byulyi’s eyes with a smile and for a moment it was just them greeting each other after a long separation, a tearful reunion. 

“What do we do now?” Byulyi asked with wide frightened eyes, her voice trembling as Yongsun held her jaw with tentative hand.  Rubbing at the tears that trickled down the other woman’s cheeks, Yongsun cleared her throat.

“We face whatever fate is ours… together.  For far too long I’ve done things thinking that they were the best decisions.  And I never thought to ask for what you thought or needed.”

“Yongsun-ah… we can never go back to who we used to be, can we?”

Yongsun smiled as she shook her head gently.  The hands at her waist tightened and Byulyi lowered her face until their foreheads touched.

“No we can’t. But isn’t it better that we face who we’ve become?”

Byulyi chuckled and nodded.  And they looked at each other one more time.

rewind

“Do you believe in reincarnation?”

Byulyi paused at Yongsun’s words.  They were sitting at the pavilion, reading.  It was the last day before she was to go for a campaign up north.  They had been together for eight years and yet the thought of leaving Yongsun still made her feel a deep loneliness she couldn’t shake since she had been a young girl of seventeen.

“Reincarnation? What else would there be?”

Yongsun smiled and placed her book in her lap, staring ahead at their garden. 

“Nothingness? Eternal peace.”

Byulyi chuckled and scooted a little closer to the other woman, gently reaching forward and grasping Yongsun’s hand. 

“I don’t think I’d be satisfied with a world that didn’t have you in it.”

Yongusun’s mouth tugged down a little and her eyes dropped to her lap. 

“In our next life… I hope that we could fall in love again. With no memory of the past.”

“I will always fall in love with you.  No matter what lifetime.  No matter who we are and what we become.”

Byulyi squeezed at Yongsun’s hand affectionately, watching curiously as the other girl stared intensely at the clasped hands in her lap.  She blinked slowly before meeting Byuly’s eyes.

“Do you promise?  Do you think you could find it in yourself to love me in every lifetime?”

forward

Yongsun tapped her foot impatiently as she glanced at her watch. Her flight was going to be taking off soon and if she wasn’t in the cabin in five minutes her boss was going to majorly chew her out for being late.  Yongsun had been a flight attendant for nearly three years but she still would make stupid decisions like decide to stop for coffee way too close to take-off.

“Hello,” she said with a smile at the barista who looked more like a puppy than a girl. 

“Hello! How can I help you?”

“One vanilla latte, please.”

“One vanilla latte coming up! Your order will be ready when your buzzer goes off!” The barista handed her a small disk and gave her another over-enthusiastic grin.

With a chuckle, Yongsun turned and sat nervously at a table, bouncing a leg and frantically sending a text to her co-worker.  Joohyun was totally going to chew her out after covering for her for the tenth time.

“Excuse me.”

Yongsun looked up and saw a woman with dark hair wearing a formal police officer uniform.  Glancing to the name tag she caught a bit of her name.  Moon-

“I think I left some papers on the seat?”

“Oh!” Yongsun jolted up and heard an unmistakable crunch of ruffled papers.  “Here, sorry about that.”

The officer smiled a bit, her nose crinkling with a grin.

“Thanks.” She smiled and waved the papers. “Have a safe flight!”

Yongsun returned the grin and watched the officer’s retreating back, confused about the fleeting moment of aching loneliness at the sight.  But when her buzzer went off she just shook off the feeling and stood to get her coffee.

“They just missed each other!” Wheein hissed to Samshin Grandmother who was leaning casually against the counter, sipping a sugary concoction with serious focus.

“They did.”

“I thought they were going to meet and fall and love and you know, have their happily ever after!”

“Maybe they just aren’t destined for it in this lifetime.  It was a mercy that we even allowed them to be reincarnated at all.”

Wheein pouted as she made a latte, getting the perfect ratio of frothy milk and espresso.

“You don’t think they deserve a happy ending?”

Samshin Grandmother smiled as she looked up, watching a police officer kneel down and help a flight attendant who had dropped her coffee on accident. 

“Depends on who you ask.”