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“No, but – hang on,” the Doctor said, spinning back around, index fingers in the air. “You-you… you didn’t mind.”
“Sorry?” Craig asked. He was standing in his doorway, Stormageddon (Alfie!) asleep in the other room, and at the moment he really needed the Doctor to get off of his porch and out of his life before he had a chance to process –
“When I said I was going to kiss you. You didn’t mind.”
That.
“Seriously, what kind of an argument is that? ‘I’m taken.’ How about, ‘no, you’re an alien,’ or ‘I’d just rather not,’ or my personal favourite – aren’t you the ones with hang-ups over gender presentations? I’m a man right now, and you’re, what, early twenty-first century, haven’t quite got to equality and all that and I mean sure, your species is eventually going to produce Captain Jack Harkness but in the meantime I can’t even get Rory to dance with me at his own wedding –”
“You’re rambling again.”
“Sorry.” The Doctor paused and took a deep breath, eyes brightening. “So! It’s not me you’ve got a problem with.”
Craig shifted uncomfortably. “Look, well – what do you expect, all right? Some stupidly handsome man falls onto my doorstep from outer space and makes my life all exciting, what do you think’s going to happen? Don’t mean I don’t love Sophie. And – and we are definitely not talking about this right now. Haven’t you got places to be?”
“Oh, nowhere as interesting as this,” he answered with a quirk of a smile. “Believe me. Craig Owens. You are fantastic!”
The Doctor was shouting. “Shush,” Craig said, “you’ll wake the baby.”
“But you are! I mean, look at you. Ordinary life, ordinary person – except that people are never really ordinary, are they? And you – not a lot of people take me in the way you did, you know. Takes them a while. And that’s the ones that don’t try to kill me,” the Doctor added, tilting his head musingly. “But you would make a great companion, you know. You know everything about me. If you weren’t all tied down with Stormy, of course.”
“I don’t want to be your companion,” Craig said, but the Doctor was advancing and his breathing was coming quicker. He looked down at his feet. Not this again. Think of Sophie – Sophie!
“Sophie!” came the Doctor’s voice, cheerful and welcoming. Craig looked up and saw he was on a regular Earth-looking cell phone. “Wonderful Sophie, love-of-Craig’s-life Sophie, it’s the Doctor, you remember me.” A pause as Sophie’s voice filtered through. Craig couldn’t hear what she was saying. “Oh, he told you I’m in town?” The Doctor did a waggle-y sort of thing with his eyebrows in Craig’s direction. “Yes, of course he did. Now, I’m on your doorstep at the moment, and I have a very important question for you. See, Craig here seems to be in a spot of trouble, and I find myself at a bit of a loss.” Sophie interrupted with something. Something flattering; the Doctor was practically blushing. “Sophie, really, you’ve got to focus on the issue here. Haven’t you gotten this silly preoccupation with my looks out of your system yet? … I guess not. … Yes, yes, okay, I’ll come back and see you sometime. But really, here’s the thing. I am struggling with a way to say goodbye to Craig, and he’s got a bit of a hang-up over you, it seems. So really, I guess it comes down to a simple little question. Sophie Owens, may I kiss your boyfriend?”
There was a sort of squeal from the other end of the line. Craig rolled his eyes. Honestly.
“Oh, really? Okay. Okay. Excellent. Thank you. I’ll see you quite soon.” The Doctor hung up the phone.
Craig raised an eyebrow. “Was that really necessary?”
“Of course!” The Doctor was stepping closer now. “I’ve got a thing about marriages, see. I never put them in danger. But she doesn’t seem to mind.”
“She didn’t stop talking about you, you know. Not for months after you left. Made me a bit jealous, to tell you the truth. But you got us together, I knew she didn’t really mean it.”
“Didn’t mean what?”
“Wanting us to – you know. Wanting you to come back and – and the three of us to – you know.” Craig was blushing furiously.
The Doctor frowned. “No, I’m afraid I don’t. Is this a human thing again?”
Craig closed his eyes and started counting down from ten.
“But anyway, that’s the verdict. Sophie doesn’t mind. You don’t mind.” Craig’s eyes popped open. The Doctor’s arms were strewn about his shoulders again, and their faces were centimetres apart. “You don’t, do you? Of course you don’t, I can see it in your face. Humans. Love ’em!”
“But, hang on,” Craig protested, one last time. “Don’t you mind? I thought you said you only thought of me as a friend, like.”
“Rule number one,” the Doctor said with a grin, his breath playing over Craig’s lips as he closed the distance. “The Doctor lies.”
It was a few minutes before Craig regained control of his mental functions. He was convinced the Doctor had done something alien to him. But it was the Time Lord who pulled back first, cocking his head, a questioning look on his face.
“Something wrong?” Craig asked, feeling extremely self-conscious.
“No, no, no.” The Doctor dismissed his question with a wave of his hand, staring off into the distance. “I just –”
“What?”
The Doctor turned back to him, quizzical. “What d’you think she meant, ‘Can I watch’?”