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Jinpachi Ego had two daemon’s. One more apparent than the other, not forever silenced, but sometimes emerges in the dark moments after disaster.
The daemon of ego. The one he clings to. The compass of life that he believes in and preaches to those around him.
And the daemon of doubt. The one he refuses to leave behind, for it is a reminder that he should continue speaking as a pathetic attempt at redemption. Redemption, because he failed to commit to the promise he made to his younger self that he would be the best striker.
The daemon of doubt that reminded him of his ugly ugly body and ugly ugly soul.
…………………………………..
Jinpachi Ego was a man who never cried.
He never liked to think about it. All the times that he did cry when he was young were few and far between. In fact, he was almost certain that, apart from his birth, he never cried.
Well… apart from his birth and… that day.
The day he decided to give up soccer because his own chances of winning were thrown away.
It should be enough, he thought to himself, to be accepted into a position where he could create the world’s perfect striker that he could live vicariously through, in a way, fulfilling his dream of being a soccer star.
But it wasn’t the same. He knew it would never be the same.
He remembered the days his body slowly started weakening, when his skin got paler, rougher, his breath shorter and limbs weaker. He remembered the huge match he had when he was younger, struggling to keep up with Noel Noa by his side, suffering and panting, refusing to be subbed out until he collapsed the second he had the chance to score a goal.
It felt so unfair. All of it was unfair.
Ego just wished he had a healthy body, a healthy soul, a healthy mind, to live in a world where his dreams weren’t completely destroyed by something that wasn’t in his hands.
Why was he even a part of Blue Lock? His plans were failing. The kids were slowly starting to question his methods. What if his egoist mindset was wrong? What if after all this, Blue Lock was just a waste of time, being nothing but an experiment fueled by a crazy man’s wishes, too pathetic to fulfill them on his own.
How stupid was he to talk about ego when he had none for himself except to fuel it into other people’s dreams?
He closed his bandaged fist harshly.
How much more pathetic will you turn out to be, Jin? Why must your bad daemons only come out now?
I hate this. Goddamn, I hate this.
I hate this ugly body that can do nothing right. Not preach or play or coach.
Ugly ugly ugly ugly-
“Ego-san?”
The soft voice snapped him out of the thoughts swirling in his head. The daemon of doubt got promptly silenced.
“Ego-san, I brought your dinner.”
Anri gracefully placed the yakisoba on the desk he was sitting at, plus a cup of coffee, dark and sugar-less, the way she knew he liked it.
He said nothing as Anri placed the dishes on the desk, which wouldn’t have been shocking for her if she hadn’t known Ego’s particular expressions and emotions in the months she’d been living with him.
“Ego-san.”
Ego lifted his gaze slightly. His glasses hid tired eyes behind them.
Anri frowned. “You’re not gonna eat?”
“No. Not hungry.” he muttered and pushed the plate away.
Anri was stunned. Ego never rejected yakisoba, especially her yakisoba, which he would rather die than admit was delicious, but she knew full well that he liked it.
“You need to eat something.” she encouraged gently. “Today was…”
“A disaster,” he muttered. He sounded so… defeated, and Anri wondered if this was the first time in his life that he felt like this.
“Today was a disaster, Anri-chan. Our kids… They’re starting to question my methods.”
Anri sighed. “They were just confused from the lost game. I’m sure they’ll come around-”
“It’s not that.” Ego interrupted. “It’s…”
Anri waited patiently.
“Are… Are my methods really that crazy?”
Anri widened her eyes. Never ever had she heard Ego doubting himself like this. Ego was always confident in his ways, and would die on the hill of his methods of creating the world’s best striker.
This… this wasn’t the Ego Anri wanted.
“Yes. Yes they are.”
Ego widened his eyes and looked at her.
“Yes, they are crazy.” she repeated. “Do you think doing things the normal way would have gotten us this far?”
The older man’s eyes flickered with an emotion that wasn’t yet clear to Anri, but she continued.
“I hired you BECAUSE of your crazy ideas! I pitched this Blue Lock project BECAUSE it was crazy!” she frowned. “You think I’m stupid enough to not know how to choose the best coach for my own project?”
Ego stayed silent for a long moment. Anri waited for a response from him, for confirmation that her words got through.
Instead, Ego shook his head.
“Maybe you picked the wrong coach.”
Anri was baffled beyond repair. Who was this person in place of Jinpachi Ego talking down about himself like this?
Before Anri could retort, Ego clenched his bandaged fist.
“I… I don’t know if I’ll ever fulfill my dream.” he murmured tiredly and empty. “I’ve gone insane with age and deteriorating health… ideas like mine will only waste time.”
Anri couldn’t take this. She gently grabbed his face, eliciting a gasp from him.
“Shut up. Just shut it, Ego-san. You listen to me.” She said sternly. “I hired you to give Japan a bright future for soccer. I spent thousands and thousands of yen trying to do all this because it is my passion. No woman in Japan wants us to win a world cup more than me. You think I would have somebody else by my side who wasn’t as passionate as me?!”
Ego just stared at her, slightly shocked and flustered. Up close, Anri could see that his cheeks had slightly sunken in, and the dark circles under his eyes got bigger.
Her frustrated frown instantly softened into a concerned one the moment she noticed them. She gently stroked his cheek with one of her hands, her thumb lightly caressing his dark circles.
“...Is it getting worse? Your health?”
Ego said nothing. He didn’t want to. But he hoped Anri could tell.
Anri seemed to know. She nodded.
“...I see.”
She let go of him and stood up. Ego instantly felt the absence of her warm hands on his cold face. He twitched forward a little on instinct, to try and get her warmth back, but he held himself. He didn’t want to seem needier than he already was.
But he didn’t need to be alone for long. Anri came back quickly with a blanket and a tray, with his yakisoba she made him and a mug of tea. She draped the blanket over his shoulders and sat in front of him, holding the chopsticks, picking up some of the yakisoba with them and holding it to his lips.
“Come on. Ego-san. Eat.” she urged.
He didn’t look up at her. He felt so ashamed that she had to do all this for him. It reminded him of how much of a burden he was no matter who he was with.
Anri sighed and gently tilted his chin up with her soft hand. Ego widened his eyes slightly, then his shoulders slump forward, and he reluctantly opened his mouth. Anri smiled and fed him.
They sat like that for a while, with Anri slowly feeding him while he stood still. Neither of them said anything. They didn’t need to. Anri knew that Ego was very vulnerable now, more than he had been before, probably in his life. She knew before she said anything, he just needed presence. Company.
Her.
…..
After she finished feeding him dinner, Anri handed him his mug of tea, and she sat beside him with her own. They sipped the tea in silence for a while before Ego spoke.
“...Anri-chan?”
“Yes?”
“Do you… Did you mean what you said…?”
Anri blinked in surprise. “Am I a liar?”
Ego let out a soft huff of laughter. “Not that I know of.” he murmured. Anri was still taken slightly aback by how quiet he was being, but she decided to let herself enjoy it for the moment.
He sighed. “... Thank you, Anri-chan.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Really? Are you joking?”
Ego smirked and glanced at her. “Calling me a liar too?”
Anri scoffed playfully. “You lie sometimes.”
“Oh? When?”
“You lied to the kids about how many players there really were in the first selection.”
“Okay, I had to. It was for their development.”
“Sure.” Anri giggled. “Just saying, Ego-san. You say the craziest things. It’s hard to see the truth from you sometimes.”
Ego gazed at her for a long moment.
“Crazy things, huh?” he murmured with a smirk. “Something like, ‘I like you’?”
“Yeah. something like-” Anri started then immediately froze. “Wait, WHAT?!”
Ego just stared at her. His huge deep eyes held a flicker of something. Fear? Hope, maybe?
“You… What did you just say?” Anri sputtered.
Ego swallowed the nervous lump in his throat. He didn’t answer with words. Instead, he reached out his bandaged hand to gently grip her soft one. Her face turned as red as her hair. Her heart raced, and so did his.
For a moment, neither of them said anything. The air between them felt heavier, more awkward.
Then, Anri cleared her throat and stood up quickly. “N-Nevermind. Well, then. I should go… Just remember what I said.”
And with a quick click-clack-click-clack of her heels, she scuttled away.
Ego felt his face rush with blood. He probably looked like a wilted tomato.
But all that swarmed his mind were Anri’s words.
“You think I would have somebody else by my side who wasn’t as passionate as me?!”
Ego looked down at his bandaged fist and smiled a little.
“God, that woman… how insane you are to pick someone insane like me.” He muttered to himself.
“But, thank God, I don’t have to be insane alone.”