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The first time it had happened, Jax had been too stunned to move.
He hadn’t known what to expect, exactly, but it wasn’t… that.
Seeing Kaufmo’s room after he had abstracted, Jax had expected something more… violent? Painful? Definitely not the pleasant shapes and colors that left him feeling calmer than he had in months. Maybe even years.
It was like he couldn’t panic. Despite how much his heart thudded a ravenous cacophony in his chest, his breathing stayed steady.
At least, until he had been snapped out of it.
The horrifying realization of what had been about to happen to him had made it especially difficult to keep himself together for the rest of that day.
Luckily by the end of the disaster that was the Escape the Circus adventure, he had plenty of things to think about other than his close call with abstraction. The next few days hadn’t been much of an issue on that front either, with Caine keeping them all very occupied with his “new” adventures.
And then…
Caine snapped.
But as soon as he did, he was gone. Leaving behind a screaming reminder to Jax of exactly why he kept himself away from the others.
The days after that were… not good, to say the least.
With all of the other cast members busy attempting to repair the circus or wallowing in their own despair and self-pity, and with no adventures to keep him distracted, Jax had no choice but to fall back into the state of mind that he had been in previously.
Eventually the others seemed to have gotten over their struggles, as they banded together to support each other, every gentle touch and kind word reminding Jax of a life he could never have.
He could see them from where he was standing, barely. Zooble and Gangle had been the last to rejoin, but the five of them were now standing together, practicing their new tricks.
Jax hadn’t bothered to learn conjuring. What was the point? A few extra polygons sitting around wasn’t exactly going to fix everything.
He had thought about it, once. But imagining the look of hope and pride that would inevitably fill Pomni’s eyes when she figured out he succeeded or the awkwardness of having to ask her for help was enough to dissuade him from even trying.
It wasn’t like he needed another thing that he was bad at anyways.
He sighed, pushing himself away from the wall, the empty space somehow feeling too exposed for his liking.
His feet scuffed against the floor as he dragged himself down the hall to his room.
He was tired.
There was a slight ringing in his ears as he passed the dozens of doors lining the hall. He couldn’t seem to focus on the faces printed on each one, the glaring red ‘X’ flashing before his eyes every time he looked.
He couldn’t remember where he was going, but his feet automatically stopped him in front of a door. His eyes didn’t seem to be working right, everything looked blurry and watery in a way that made it hard to see anything.
It wasn’t until he felt a drop of water land on his arm that he realized he was crying.
That’s weird.
The tear seemed to numb his arm, incoherent staticky tingles swallowing his hand, and creeping up to his shoulder.
He watched absently as the hand (it couldn’t be his, he didn’t think he was moving) moved upwards, coming to rest on the doorknob in a movement that felt so familiar it hurt.
A twist and the door opened. Jax expected there to be a sound. A small creak, even just the sound of air moving.
There was nothing.
He didn’t move for a long time. Or maybe it wasn’t long at all.
He distantly realized that he had been staring at the floor the whole time.
Something shifted in his peripheral vision.
He glanced up, his eyes slowly trailing across the room like they weighed a hundred pounds but eventually locking onto-
…
Her.
They stood in the center of his room, arms by their sides. No matter how hard Jax tried he couldn’t see their face, despite nothing obstructing his view. Her eyes seemed to be just out of view no matter where he looked.
His eyes locked on her bow tie instead- or at least where there used to be a bow tie.
In its place was a heart.
A beating
Fleshy
Human heart.
He felt bile rise in his throat as he watched it pulse, blood trailing down from the organ and staining their skin, the dark crimson clashing violently with the cool green.
A sickening thumping noise echoed through the room and the hallway, shaking the floor under his feet.
Jax watched as the blood pooled on his carpet, small rivulets creeping their way across the floor to reach his feet.
Jax’s eyes flicked back to her face as she reached a hand out towards him, the space where it was supposed to be twisting into a smile.
Comforting.
Warm.
Hungry.
They took a step forward and Jax was running before he knew it, his legs giving out underneath him and wobbling like jelly as he stumbled out into the main area of the circus.
Not again not again not again-
He nearly fell over the railing separating the second floor from the dark vastness of the rest of the circus, pushing himself off of it and booking it to the stairs.
“Gotta hide, gotta hide!” He muttered under his breath, too scared to look behind him too see if… anything… was following him.
The corridors that had at one time seemed secluded and safe now looked like dark, empty maws waiting for him to get too close. He couldn’t tell if something shifted in that dark corner, if it was an abstract block or a malicious figure waiting for him in the shadows. He made a beeline for the center of the circus, devoutly avoiding practically anything even remotely big enough to hide someone.
Despite the fact that his instincts screamed at him not to, once he was in the open he spun around, prepared to find some horrific manifestation of his guilt right on his tail, but instead-
There was nothing.
He stood still for a second, trying to catch his breath, his ears perked high and listening for even the slightest movement.
There was a slight trill from behind him.
Decently far away, half-hidden behind a block, Jax could see Pomni leaning over one of the many holes in the circus, her hands trembling slightly as she conjured a small plane to cover it.
Oh thank god.
He jogged over to her, slowing as he approached and the endless well of fear grew inside him.
He froze a few feet away.
What am I doing?
He was about to turn away, hoping Pomni hadn’t noticed him when one of his feet scuffed against the ground, alerting her to his presence.
His hands tightened into fists as she turned around, and he stood up straighter.
What’s your plan now, genius?
His mouth parted hesitantly, but no sound came out. Pomni looked on, her eyes calm and her brows raised questioningly.
He shut his mouth, biting his lip anxiously. Pomni watched. Silent and open.
God, he hated her. He hated himself.
He let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding.
“Never mind.”
Pomni startled as he turned away, her hand sliding into his and holding him in place. He tried to hide the way he flinched. It probably didn’t work.
“Are you sure?”
He squeezed his eyes shut, hating the way they stung.
He forced a dry laugh. “Of course i’m-“
As he turned back to Pomni, his eyes caught on the figure standing behind her.
Ribbit.
The real Ribbit.
They held eachother’s gazes for a long time.
She was crying, her lips wobbling with barely contained sobs, and her eyes were full of so much suffering and agony and sadness and underneath it all-
Hope.
Please, she mouthed.
Jax inhaled sharply as Pomni started to turn to see what had caught his attention.
“Can I- just… sit? Here, for a bit?”
She turned back to him, her face still blank. Ribbit’s figure disappeared from his periphery as if she had never been there at all.
Of course not, idiot. She hates you, you were awful to her just like everybody else. You deserve to-
“Yeah, of course.” She replied, a warm smile on her face.
Jax remained frozen for another moment before he remembered to move, sitting just far enough away from Pomni that he hoped she couldn’t see how bad he was shaking.
He crossed his legs, staying a few inches away from the gap. Ignoring the pull he felt towards it.
Ignoring how easy it would be to just-
“We haven’t seen you around much,” Pomni stated, and he could feel her eyes tracing his face even as he kept his gaze strictly forward.
There was an invitation there, a way for him to explain himself. A place for him to give an excuse, so she didn’t resort to the obvious conclusion. The right conclusion.
He shrugged, his heart pounding so hard he feared any noise he tried to make would come out squeaky and pathetic. He didn’t think he had it in him to lie anymore.
“It’s okay to be…” she paused, looking for the right term. “…not okay, you know?”
He turned his face away so she wouldn’t see the way tears built in his eyes.
“I’m really glad you came to talk to me.”
“Why?” He whispered, barely audible.
There was a pause, and he could hear her shift slightly. “Because you’re my friend. And I-“
“Don’t do that. Don’t lie to me.” His voice was even weaker than he feared, and even though he had tried to sound intimidating, he just ended up sounding like he was begging. Maybe he was.
She frowned. “I’m not lying, Jax. You can try as hard as you want to block me out, push me away, make yourself unloveable, but whether or not I see you as my friend is my decision to make in the end.”
His mouth worked for a bit without any sound coming out.
“‘S a stupid decision,” he muttered, resting his chin on his arms.
Pomni chuckled lightly beside him. “Maybe. But it’s my decision, and I don’t regret it in the slightest.”
Jax was trying really hard to not think about how easily she saw through him. It wasn’t working.
That’s what a lot of things felt like with Pomni. Tricks that he had used all his life without fail just… didn’t work on her.
He shifted to watch her through a gap between his arms, still hiding his face as much as possible.
“I don’t think that doing bad things makes you unworthy of love. Or of kindness. And even if it did, it wouldn’t be my place to decide if someone else deserved it or not. That would be the job of a god, if there is one.
“We’re all in this together. Everything that has happened in the last few weeks has only proven that point more.” Her eyes shifted from the ceiling to look at him, taking in his unsteady form. “You were wrong, by the way.”
He peeked over his arm, eyebrow raised.
She turned her gaze back to the void below them. “Right after Caine died, when you said we have nothing now. Caine’s adventures weren’t what made living life here worthwhile. The fact that we’re all still here proves that.”
He frowned. “The what does?”
She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. “That’s for you to decide, but I think it’s… Us. Our feelings, our emotions, our relationships with eachother. That’s what makes my life worth living, waking up every day knowing that I get to spend time with Ragatha, and Kinger, and Zooble, and Gangle… and you.”
Jax raised his head, looking at Pomni fully. She looked relaxed, not a hint of dishonesty or nervousness in her posture. Which was ridiculous, because there was no way that she actually believed what she was saying.
Right?
It took him a minute to realize that he had been staring at her, a light amused smirk on her face. He turned away, his cheeks warm. The mood sombered as she continued speaking.
“I’ve… never told anyone this, but… on my first night here I had a nightmare. That I abstracted. And everyone just… moved on. After the gun adventure…” she paused to take a breath.
“I didn’t mean it.”
Jax isn’t sure why he said that. It wasn’t going to undo the damage that had been done, and it wouldn’t change the fact that he had said those things.
“I figured. You’re not as good at lying as you think you are, believe it or not.”
That didn’t stop his chest from clenching painfully.
“As I was saying, I hadn’t felt like I fit in with the group. You all had known eachother for years, and I didn’t even really know what I was doing back in the real world, much less here. But after Kaufmo’s funeral, seeing how much you all cared for eachother, it really made me feel like this was somewhere I could learn to live.”
He forced a chuckle to try to cover the way he was trembling. “They wouldn’t do that for me. I was horrible to them, they would be glad if I…” he gulped. “They wouldn’t miss me.”
He startled as Pomni grasped his hand, turning to meet her eyes.
“I would.”
And looking at her, he knew she was telling the truth.
He flinched away as tears started streaming down his cheeks, but she didn’t react. Didn’t take her eyes off of his own. “I can’t speak for the rest of the group, but I think you would be surprised at just how much everyone here cares about you, even if you don’t want them to.”
“They shouldn’t” he managed, his voice breaking.
“It’s not your decision to make.” she said gently.
Jax pulled his hand away from Pomni’s, burying his head in it and swearing under his breath. She let him go, but scooted herself an inch or two closer.