Archive of Our Own

Zane Boodram: "The only strategy we have is 'get pucks in deep' and clearly it isn't working"

By Jean Paul Beaudry

Posted: January 21, 2019

When Zane Boodram was drafted by the Ottawa Centaurs in 2014, fans eagerly anticipated a new era of dominance for the flagging team. Boodram brought with him an impressive record having had major success as part of the Windsor Spitfires (OHL) and as part of Team Canada for the IIHF World Juniors Championships between 2011 and 2013. Boodram is also known for his positive, charismatic personality and strong leadership skills, which made it no surprise when he was named captain of the team early on in his professional career. 

Despite this, the Ottawa Centaurs have remained at the bottom of the rankings across all MLH teams since 2010, battling it out for last place with the Buffalo Rapiers. Not even Boodram's impressive skills have been enough to claw the team up the rankings. So what's gone wrong?

"I don't think we can point all the blame on one thing," Boodram said in a recent interview after a tough 5-1 loss to the Washington Foggy Bottoms. "It's a mixture of things coming together, like a marinade that just doesn't taste right yet."

Not even the surprise addition of former Boston Bear Ilya Rozanov in July of 2018 has been enough to make that marinade taste right. 

When asked to describe the team's current strategy, Boodram sarcastically noted: "The only strategy we have is 'get pucks in deep' and clearly it isn't working."

Fans and analysts alike have pointed out that coaching is a major pain point for the team: longtime coach Walter Greenfield just doesn't seem to have his head in the game.

"Someone needs to send grandpappy to the retirement home, or give him a viking funeral on the Rideau," analyst Bob Trafalgar said. He has since issued an apology for his "insensitive" and “ageist” comments.

He isn’t alone in this assessment– a Centaurs insider recently described the current coaching team as “weary” and “complacent” during an anonymous interview.

“What the team needs the most is a complete shake-up of the coaching team and leadership structure.”

Others have placed the blame on the Centaurs' allegedly "soft" team culture. 

"These p*ssies are putting too much energy into sensitivity training and not enough into hockey training," one Reddit user stated. 

"I saw half the team at Ottawa pride last year, like, shouldn't you guys be at the gym or something?" a Twitter user wrote. 

"I stan the cens because of how safe the team feels. I follow Evan Dykstra on Tumblr. How many hockey fans get to say that they can reblog something directly from their fav?" another Twitter user commented.

Analyst and commentator Jorge Gonzalez Delgado recently pointed a finger at another major sore spot for the team: their goaltending.

"The Centaurs would be better off putting a potty-trained raccoon in the crease than what they've got going on now," he stated in a post-game discussion after the Centaurs lost 3-1 to the Toronto Guardians. "If management wants to start being serious about hockey for once, they'll put all of their eggs into trading for or drafting a goalie worth his salt for once."

Ottawa fans will surely be paying close attention to the team's trading and draft moves this year. "We need a f*cking miracle," one fan wrote on Twitter.  “Asking for another miracle when we already got Rozanov is the type of greed they talk about in the Bible,” another Twitter user responded.

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From an early age, Jean Paul Beaudry knew he’d someday become a journalist. It felt like a sort of inevitability, almost like there was never another path cosmically available to him. He’d do it come hell or high water, and he’d do it his way. He had to. The universe needed him to.

At least this is the story he plans to go with when he grows old and starts to write his New York Times Bestselling memoir. If he can’t find the time or energy to ever get to that, maybe he’ll leave a few notes scattered around for his assistant, Monica, to pick up for her earth-shattering, deeply heartfelt biography of him after his tragic death. 

In reality, Jean Paul only decided to go into journalism because he was steered in that direction. As a child, hockey was really the only thing that sparked his interest outside of the Ghostbusters franchise, and frankly, he was never any good at it– hockey, that is. He was a great Ghostbusters fan. Throughout his childhood in Southern New Hampshire, where the state lines straddle Massachusetts just close enough to claim that I’m basically from Boston, go Bears!, he spent more of his youth hockey career keeping the bench toasty-warm than actually playing. That was fine, really. He didn’t have plans to reach for the stars wearing ice skates and a helmet– that was always his grandfather’s dream for him (which was in turn the reason the family kept paying for his hockey lessons despite his glaringly obvious mediocrity). 

When it finally became clear to his grandfather, a stern man born and raised in Trois-Rivières before the sluggish economy forced the family to join the large swaths of migration down into the sleepy towns of New Hampshire during la grande saignée, that Jean Paul had no future in hockey, he decided to course-correct appropriately. A drinking buddy who ran the local paper apparently owed him a favour, the reason for which Jean Paul would never become privy to, and then suddenly a young Jean Paul had a gig as the man’s personal assistant. 

It was perfect, until the drinking buddy’s liver failed and the local paper’s operations crumbled alongside it.

Jean Paul was only 17 years old and had already run out of good connections to abuse. His grandfather then (rather forcefully) encouraged him to go to college and make a name for himself that way. He suggested Montreal– more specifically McGill, if Jean Paul could get in. It’s an English school, good for Jean Paul who hailed from a family whose French skills had deteriorated accordingly with the wider New Hampshire French community’s assimilation, but close enough to French-speaking that maybe he could claw some of the language back down his throat. 

He didn’t really give a shit about that, to be honest. That was his grandfather’s dream. Jean Paul just wanted to be closer to the Montreal Voyageurs. Despite growing up firmly in Boston Bears territory, his family was a diehard Voyageur family. In Montreal, he’d be able to attend games frequently. He could buy merchandise and wear it around freely without his neighbours sneering at him for being a traitor. He could possibly meet a Voyageur out in the wild. What a concept.

And so, Jean Paul Beaudry packed his bags and made his way to Concordia University (no, not McGill. McGill did not appreciate Jean Paul’s talents. Concordia is just as fine and ticked all the boxes his grandfather wanted him to tick) to major in Journalism, which was great, until he dropped out halfway through for personal reasons.

“Personal reasons” in this context can be boiled down and defined as: his professors were cramping his fucking style. It’s too sensationalist, they’d say. You need to be careful about your sources. You need to be thinking about legal ramifications. Your writing style is too conversational. You’ll never have a serious career like this.

Jean Paul’s final straw was being unceremoniously booted off of a school newspaper committee for an article he snuck into the November issue. He personally thought the fact that a group of first years had a secret, underground fight club was hot fucking news. His peers disagreed and even went as far as claiming that it was a fake story. It’s not his fucking fault that they were all too pussy to go looking around for the fight club! If they just simply asked him, he could have told them that they could see it for themselves if they simply asked Maxime. 

Okay, granted, it wasn’t the fight club thing they were concerned about. They were most concerned about the fact that Jean Paul included an anonymous quote from fight club participant Maxime about Professor Thenardier’s participation– apparently accusing a professor of beating the shit out of first years without concrete evidence is “not a good look, man” and “unacceptable.” 

Anyways, fuck them. Jean Paul was out. He’d make a name for himself in this world without the fancy degree and his uptight peers breathing down his neck. The only problem with this plan was that he had no idea how to actually do it. He had already tried selling stories to local papers, but he was often rejected, or worse– the story would appear in the paper, but heavily edited. They were always taking out the juiciest fucking bits! These cretins don’t know art, and frankly, those castrated pieces were an embarrassment to Jean Paul. Maybe he’d need to stumble upon a story so mouth-wateringly juicy that they just couldn’t reject or alter his words, and then everyone would finally take him seriously. All he needed to do was finally find that unicorn of a story. 

The opportunity practically fell into his lap just a week after he dropped out of the program (unofficially, of course. He hadn’t yet figured out how to stay legally in Quebec after dropping out, and planned to officially stay in the program until he figured out his next steps). Jean Paul sat alone in a dingy, dark bar on a cold Wednesday night, and magically, one of his main reasons for coming to Montreal in the first place burst through the doors: an honest-to-god, real Montreal Voyageur.

Sergio Lejeune himself (in the flesh!) squeezed his body into a booth not too far away from Jean Paul’s own, joining a man who Jean Paul now can hardly remember the face of. Jean Paul sat in the candle-lit booth with a single sweating beer soaking his paper coaster, a spare notebook, and a pen dug from his bag, and watched for the right moment to interrupt the conversation and ask the guy for his autograph. He opened his ears and sat in silence, waiting and waiting for the right moment. 

Jean Paul did not end up getting an autograph that evening. Sergio Lejeune opened his mouth in the company of his trusted friend, unaware that Jean Paul’s attention was solely laser-focused on him. Unknowingly, the athlete changed the trajectory of Jean Paul’s entire life.

Instead of an autograph, Jean Paul filled his notebook with the outline of a killer article that would absolutely, definitely start him on the fast track to getting his first Pulitzer: 

• Sergio Lejeune likes espresso martinis. He likes them a lot.
• There was a major trade in the works that would shake up the entire team’s dynamics.
• Forward Matt Barclay was having an affair with their coach’s wife.
• Their coach found out about the affair and paid defenseman and enforcer Jonathan Gorbeau to “beat some sense into Barclay.”
• Barclay’s recent entry onto the LTIR, publicly due to an injury sustained during practice, is actually due to the fact that Gorbeau beat the everloving shit out of him.
• Voyageurs management were actively trying to wash their hands of both players and the coach, if possible. The players first, then the coach later on, spaced out just enough to not attract too much attention.

It felt like Jean Paul was struck by lightning. This was it. This was going to be his moment: he  finally had a good fucking scoop that was so delicious and juicy that no one would even be willing to snip at his writing and cram it into their own neat and professional boxes. He would be the person to break the news to the world before the Voyageurs could shape the narrative themselves. It was perfect; he’d be starting his career in this city with a fucking bang. Everyone will be clamouring to hire him and his professors will nut in their own pants over this sexy insider info their impressive (ex)student acquired. 

And honestly, being a fan and being disappointed by your team is all just part of the hockey experience. As a longtime, diehard Voyageurs fan, he knew that his fellow fans deserved to know what was about to happen with the team they spent their hard earned money, time, and tears on.

He wrote the article. He poured his heart and soul into it in a way he’d never done before. This was, in a way, his firstborn child. Unfortunately, all of the local newspapers hated his beautiful son and apparently wanted him dead. Every local rag rejected the story, stating that it was sourceless gossip and hearsay. The Voyageurs will sue us, they said. We’ll become a laughingstock. Nice try, kid.

And then the trade actually fucking happened and the people of Montreal (and Quebec more generally, and his family down in Southern New Hampshire) demanded to know why. The Voyageurs responded to the media with a halfhearted shrug and went for a business-as-usual strategy (something Jean Paul has grown used to over the years– when the Voyageurs organization can attempt to shrug off a scandal, they do it). There was nothing in the news yet about a coaching change, but Jean Paul knew it was imminent…and no one in power wanted to hear him out. 

This being the mid-1990s, Jean Paul was vaguely aware that news could travel fast and effectively through the World Wide Web. Things called forums were cropping up and gaining popularity all around the world. With a few clacks of a keyboard and pushes of a button, one could theoretically release a statement and have it travel around far more widely than a simple printed newspaper. One could do it without pesky editors, too. Raw news can spread the way it should. 

Jean Paul broke into Concordia’s computer lab, cranked out a statement in a word processor, signed up for a hockey forum, and released his scoop to the world. Within a year, Jean Paul was the proud owner of his own computer, several hockey-related dot com addresses, and a bookshelf full of tomes related to website-building, web directories, and these new things called search engines (and boy, he does not miss the days of the literal book-based Yellow Pages for the World Wide Web. He used his chunky 1996 edition as a doorstop for several years). He introduced banner advertisements early on for extra revenue, and yes, built up a nice little reputation for himself as a hockey journalist who would stop at nothing to get a good fucking scoop. He used to have a little hit counter at the very bottom of his website homepage and has fond memories of watching the number tick up and up before internet etiquette deemed the website counters of yore to be old-fashioned and cringe. He has Google Analytics now, sure, but it’s not the same as that little pixelated box he used to love.

He still wrote and published stories in physical news media as well– some local papers paid him good money to publish his stories in their rags before he put it on his own main website. 

He spent many years traveling around, following players and coaches and management teams to the ends of the Earth (okay, not really the ends of the Earth. He means the United States and Canada, with occasional trips abroad when the situation demanded it). He struck up friendships with staff who keep their ears and eyes open. He built rapport up with players who’d occasionally be willing to slip him a bit of insider info on the down-low in exchange for more favourable coverage for themselves (or no coverage at all). He devised ways to ensure his audio recorder was placed close enough to hear what players sighed under their breath in between planned responses. He bugged a couple hotel rooms (for legal purposes, Jean Paul would like the audience to know that this is a joke, yes, even in spite of the fact that he has posted the audio recordings a few times in the past, those are fake he swears. Who do you think he is, James W. McCord Jr?). 

He broke into a few buildings. Just a few!

Jean Paul wishes he could claim this is a joke, but there is actually proof of this, like, legally. He actually had to stop traveling into the United States because of it. The thing is, he was nearly arrested for breaking into the Buffalo training facility, and that became a story in itself. You outrun some cops one time to avoid arrest and everyone acts like you’re a crazed criminal! The hunter finally became the hunted. That being said: there may or may not be an active warrant for his arrest, and he doesn’t really want to test his luck at the border…and, okay, maybe he accidentally forgot to file his taxes in the US for the past four years…anyways, he has needed to get a little more creative recently. He decides his best course of action is to stay put in Montreal and stretch the limits of the new developments happening within his good friend The Internet as his method for getting that good, good scoop. He can still get solid access to the Canadian teams, anyways. Like, the Voyageurs are right there, ripe for the picking within their Brossard training complex, and they just love to talk.

Jean Paul has kept his enterprise small since the very beginning. His base of operations is a one-room rented office in a semi-rennovated former warehouse that runs slightly too hot in the wintertime, which he rents at a shockingly steep discount (with the caveat that he must pay his landlord exclusively in cash). His office is smack in between two competing tattoo studios that seemingly only book clients through Instagram. Staffing for his little hockey venture is just him and Monica Kim, his assistant, a recent graduate who always seems just a little tired. Monica is consistent and thorough with her work– her only flaw is that she has no interest in men’s hockey at all.

In a way, it isn’t a flaw at all due to the fact that the space in her heart that would be filled by men’s hockey is instead filled by women’s hockey. Jean Paul hired her for this exact reason– he couldn’t find space in his heart for women’s hockey, but he wanted to exploit the wealth of story potential brewing in that league. They compliment each other. Together, Jean Paul and Monica make up a dream team. They’re two birds of a feather…and, okay, maybe they’re not quite birds of a feather. Maybe they’re separate species of birds who happen to have feathers that look the same if you squint and tilt your head to the side. Monica’s interest in hockey seems to go hand-in-hand with a massive, all-encompassing crush she is harbouring for one of the Montreal Canadiennes players. Jean Paul can’t say that’s a thing that he’s ever experienced as part of his own personal hockey fan journey. He has been getting increasingly concerned that her little schoolgirl crush might be morphing into something more unsettling. She keeps claiming that I know she wants me too, I can just see it in her eyes. She scored and looked straight at me afterwards. She wants me so bad it makes her look stupid. Monica’s desk has a few too-many framed photos of the player adorning it, and she’s got a weird, picture frame-like keychain on her big leather purse that shows off a homemade trading card Monica designed herself and had custom-printed. Plus, Jean Paul suspects the jersey Monica has framed and hung above her desk might not have been obtained ethically. 

This crush doesn’t seem to impact Monica’s reporting skills, so Jean Paul hasn’t addressed it yet. There isn't a need to. He’s monitoring the situation anyways.

Monica, to her credit, is willing to work for him for what is practically a pittance. While others would be deeply offended by the meager paycheque Jean Paul slides her way on a biweekly basis, Monica just accepts it with a shrug. According to her, she’s in it for experience and the fact that Jean Paul gives her ample freedom to talk about women’s hockey as much as she wants. She said something, once, about how Jean Paul approves of “unconventional” methods of journalism that other sports journalists wouldn’t be so chill about, and she kind of needs a boss who’s chill with her breaking and entering buildings sometimes. 

There’s also the fact that she’s a trust fund kid. The money simply isn’t important to her. Receiving her paycheque is probably more of a form of pageantry than an actual source of income.

Money is important to Jean Paul, unfortunately. He is most certainly not a trust fund kid awash with generational wealth. He loathes to admit it, but ad revenue only gives him enough money to pay for his own bandwidth, domain name, and sometimes a coffee from one of those small, sparsely-decorated cafes that keep popping up in the area. His actual revenue streams, the ones that actually keep him alive, afloat, and able to travel around to get his hockey fix, are less interesting: dropshipping, crypto, and occasionally taking on odd jobs on websites like Fiverr and Taskrabbit. You know, the types of things you get involved with when you already spend time glued to a computer and you refuse to not be your own boss. 

Plus: sometimes these odd jobs are fruitful (and if anyone with any form of legal authority asks, totally coincidental and definitely not methodically planned):

Recent photos from Ottawa Centaur Tanner Dillon’s home raise concerns (and the ire of Gritty)!

By Jean Paul Beaudry

Posted April 2, 2019

Photographs from an anonymous repairman recently surfaced showing a “concerning” scene in Ottawa Centaur Tanner Dillon’s Ottawa home. Dillon currently shares his home with fellow Centaur and MLH newcomer Luca Haas. 

The photos, posted anonymously on 4chan last night, depict a partially-broken chalkboard in Dillon’s living room marked “# of days since success” above a large amount of tally marks. 

One commenter noted that the number of tallies totals 435 at the time the photograph was taken. Tally mark #420 is underlined with a small note that says “NICE” underneath it. 

Some fans theorize the tally marks depict days since a Centaurs win.

“The Cens won a game three weeks ago, so I don’t think this has to do with winning games, guys. Also why the f*ck does it look like someone dug that thing out of a school dumpster before setting it on fire?” a 4chan user commented, criticizing the theory. 

Other fans are concerned with other parts of the photographs, such as a traffic cone being used as a lamp shade, a large bong, and most notably: a large pencil drawing hung on a wall depicting a muscular centaur urinating on Philadelphia Flutzer mascot Gritty. 

“It’s concerningly well-done. This is absolutely the work of a furry,” a redditor commented under a repost of the photographs. “Those muscles are defined and shaded a little too well to not be fetish art,” another redditor commented. 

“Is Tanner Dillon a furry?” is currently a trending Google search. “Furry” refers to a community interested in anthropomorphized animal characters, which sometimes– but not always– takes on a sexual tilt.

Other fans are concerned about the apparent targeting of the Philadelphia Flutzers.

“Maybe the Cens should consider beating one of their divisional rivals for once before picking fights with Philly,” a Philadelphia Flutzer fan wrote on Facebook.

“Dillon and Haas pissed me tf off so I blocked Justin Trudeau on Twitter,” another enraged fan wrote.

Gritty himself decided to weigh in on the controversy.

“I’m down for a pissing contest next game we play together. Let’s go baby, I know the law,” Gritty announced early this morning in a direct challenge to the Ottawa Centaurs’ mascot Cyllarus.

As of the time of writing, the Ottawa Centaurs have not responded to the taunt nor released a statement.

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Over the years, he’s developed his style and a set of ground rules that have kept him away from legal troubles and close with insider sources: Keep articles lighthearted as much as possible, follow the stories as they develop, let the anonymous whistleblowers stay anonymous so they feel comfortable with coming back, try to get information directly from the source when possible, and most importantly: try not to get arrested.

Fuck, he really should have broken those security cameras outside the Buffalo training facility before he tried to break in. The inability to follow Buffalo really impacted his ability to follow the infamous Ryan Price meltdown as it happened-- mercifully, Price was traded to Toronto soon after, which meant it was easier (for a brief blip of time) to get access to the man. Price then proceeded to never do anything particularly interesting, retired almost immediately, and kind of disappeared from the public eye. It’s fine, really. Ryan Price stories never get as many clicks as more controversial players, like Dallas Kent and Connor Connors. 

Or god forbid, Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov.

Jean Paul will admit he sometimes has a hard time maintaining his insider sources. Very few active hockey players want to do tell-alls, especially if there is a chance they’ll be identified or implicated in whatever they’re reporting on. Administrative and janitorial staff have even more to lose if found out and as a result, many keep their heads down as much as possible. Retired players don’t always have the freshest information. 

And, okay, sometimes he fucks over his active-player insider sources a little. It’s not his fault that they so freely drag themselves through the mud! What is he supposed to do, not eat the delicious 5-course meal they’ve placed directly in front of him? Sometimes they get so pissed off that they refuse to speak to him ever again. Sometimes, however, they come back and make little agreements to tell him more in exchange for a fluff piece or a heavy edit to a previously-written article. 

The people he does manage maintain relationships with oftentimes have tendencies to season their stories with details that aren’t necessary. Sometimes they just make shit up. Frequently, someone tells him something so off-the-rails stupid that he can’t even bring himself to unethically use it, like the recently-retired Boston farm team player who swore up and down that Ilya Rozanov was engaged in a deeply intense romantic affair with a dominatrix named Jane who was mind-controlling him from Montreal. It has all the makings of a juicy story, and yet, it gave Jean Paul pause– the guy who gave him the info had recently retired after a rather brutal ACL tear which capped off a long career rife with injuries. The poor guy barely even played– it was like every time he got called up to the Bears, something immediately tried to kill him. Sometimes, when Jean Paul got word that the poor guy was getting called up to temporarily replace someone on the MLH team, he said a short prayer knowing the dude was about to be used as cannon fodder. 

Plus, the way the guy spat out the name “Ilya Rozanov” sounded a hell of a lot like jealousy. Even still, Jean Paul has written up the article already. It’s actively withering away in his drafts. The millisecond he gets a second source on the whole dominatrix-Jane-from-Montreal thing, he’ll post it because it is bound to get a metric fuckton of clicks. Anything that slams “Rozanov” and “Montreal” together like scissoring Barbie dolls gets a lot of attention.

Speaking of Montreal: The Voyageurs are fantastic whistleblowers because they do it frequently, unthinkingly, and with gusto. Jean Paul knows he has hit the jackpot every time he starts a Zoom meeting with a member of the team only to find out that there are six or seven hockey players clambering to stay in the frame of the camera. Yes, they sometimes will do their tell-alls together, backing each other up or arguing about the details, which means he gets several sources confirming the same story at once. It’s like a wet dream come to life.

He's talked to just about the entire roster of the team over the past few years-- ranging from the somewhat volatile Gilbert Comeau, the kind-of-boring Hayden Pike, and the oddly level-headed JJ Boiziau. There's only one Voyageur Jean Paul has never been able to get his hands on, metaphorically, in the form of an anonymous tell-all interview. He hasn’t gotten his actual hands on the man either (not that he wants to). That’s more Monica’s style. Jean Paul is a hands-off kind of guy when the option is there.

Metaphorically-speaking, he really, really wants to get his hands on Shane Hollander.

Shane Hollander is somehow both at the center of every bit and piece of drama impacting the Voyageurs (for years!), and also completely separate from it. It feels a bit like he’s the sun and the rest of the Voyageurs organization are orbiting planets and asteroids. Jean Paul can visit each ball of rock and gas without much issue, but he can’t get anywhere near the sun without burning up…nor can anyone else. Shane Hollander slips through the cracks as the loud voices of his teammates scream either in support of him or in criticism of him. 

The second issue with all of this is that, despite the team’s willingness to talk about Hollander with little-to-no prompting, no one is willing to actually say what the root of the fucking problem is. Worst of all is that it wasn’t always like this! In the not-so-distant past, current and former Voyageurs were more than willing to talk about their teammate-slash-captain. They’d freely tell Jean Paul things like He’s a snooty little bitch who thinks he’s better than everyone else because he’s coach’s pet and got a Rolex contract. And You know, I thought he’d lighten up a little if he got a girlfriend, but I saw him pick up a chick the other day and he was somehow pissier than usual at practice. No, I didn't get a pic of the girl for you, sorry. Or He’s a really great captain, honestly, a real nice guy, just kind of weird. If I got arrested and could only call one person, I’d call Hollander, but I wouldn’t go camping with the guy. I don’t really want to spend hours talking about Mario Lemieux over a plate of sugar-free s’mores, you know?

Sometimes, Jean Paul would get something really interesting, like He’s kind of two faced, like, why are you the face of Reebok when you apparently can’t stand the way the shoes fit? Or my girlfriend just fucking left me because Hollander told her she should follow her dreams or something, you know, that inspirational bullshit he spouts and the rookies eat up, and apparently her dreams don’t include me anymore. What a piece of shit. I bet he was trying to hit on her. Joke’s on him because she left me for a woman. Or even, I saw him try coke once because he lost a bet, but it didn’t affect him, like, at all, and I’ve been scared of him ever since. Is he a machine? Oh, can you…not post the coke thing? Yeah, management is aware, they're fine with it, it's just that my dealer will ghost if it gets any outside attention.

Nowadays, it’s all vagueries and little hints nestled in-between complaints, all undercut by a current of Coach would fucking kill me, sorry, that’s all I’ve got, and Fuck, wait, hold on. I gotta regroup before I say something that will make my girlfriend break up with me, fuck.

I think, boiled down, it’s a matter of trust, if that makes sense? Hollander’s personal life is Hollander’s personal life, sure, but it’s been impacting the team for who knows how long. I think it was easier for most of the team to swallow when it was, uhm, an abstract concept, and we only knew the basics of what was going on? Sometimes it was even kind of entertaining, trying to guess the details and stuff. Hollander doesn’t usually like to talk about himself…and then he went nuts and decided to start shoving it in all of our faces, and we found out that the whole thing is just way crazier than any of us ever expected. No wonder why Coach has been pissy for years, Renaud recently told him over a brief phone call. I’m having mixed thoughts, to be honest. There’s a lot to put into perspective. Ask me again in a few months?

He asked his friend Henri Proulx, an administrative assistant for the Montreal Voyageurs who works closely with head coach Alexis Theriault, about the Hollander situation. Henri is usually fairly open with insider information as long as he can ensure it can't be traced back to him. However, when it comes to Shane Hollander, even Henri has kept his lips zipped. “You need to read between the lines, seriously, JP,” he said a few weeks ago. “You’ve been a reporter all these years and can’t figure out the problem?”

Jean Paul can’t figure out the goddamn problem. 

All he knows is that there’s something very Ilya Rozanov-shaped about this whole situation. Hollander may be at the center of the problem, but Rozanov is there…somewhere. Granted, the spectre of Ilya Rozanov has been haunting Shane Hollander's career for many, many years, so this isn't anything to be surprised about. Those poor kids have had their names smashed together since they were barely 15– seriously, you need to go back to his damn Timbits days if you want to find a piece on Shane Hollander that doesn't manage to shoehorn Ilya Rozanov’s name in there somewhere. It just seems that something has shifted recently, and Jean Paul is still trying to figure out where Ilya Rozanov fits into this mysterious change. 

Hollander is fresh off of yet another cup win with the Montreal Voyageurs, and Rozanov is fresh off of a disappointing season after his mystifying signing to the Ottawa Centaurs. They’re half a year into their publicly-announced joint charitable venture, and mere weeks away from the kickoff of their very first set of charity hockey camps. 

That charity keeps setting off little alarm bells in Jean Paul’s mind. Something about it feels strange, like there are ulterior motives behind it that goes far beyond their squeaky-clean mission statement, but what those motives are…he does not know for sure. He’s seen a myriad of explanations crop up: Ilya Rozanov did something in Boston that necessitated both an international move and a serious brand image alteration, or that Shane Hollander is blackmailing him into all of this, or even that Rozanov is blackmailing Hollander into all of this. He’s read theories written by people convinced that Rozanov signed his Ottawa contract in a state of psychosis, and that’s why he and Hollander are so concerned about promoting mental health initiatives. He watched a 45 minute YouTube video about how Ilya Rozanov has become a born-again Christian and is trying to turn his life around– he isn’t quite sure what the point of that video actually was, considering somewhere near the 30 minute mark the creator introduced the idea of Shane Hollander converting to Mormonism to marry Hayden Pike in temple, and listen– Jean Paul doesn’t know a lot about Mormonism, but he’s pretty sure literally nothing about that theory makes any sense at all. That's blasphemy, right? Literally nothing about that theory aligns with Mormon doctrine…right?

He recently talked to a drunk guy outside of Berri-UQAM station clad in an old LeJeune jersey (which is part of the reason Jean Paul stopped to chat with him– he will forever hold a soft spot for LeJeune) who explained to him in lengthy, half-garbled yells, that the Irina Foundation is all a money-laundering front. All things considered, Jean Paul thinks the drunken Montrealer might have a point. If there’s one thing Montrealers are familiar with, it’s financial fraud. 

That being said, he can’t outright report on its suspicious nature without setting off some sort of domino effect that would lead to his financial ruin; accusing a mental health charity of being a front for something unsavoury would probably destroy his credibility and his wallet. He's heard warnings from other reporters of Hollander's team of lawyers, all laser-focused and paid directly from Shane Hollander’s extremely healthy bank account. Accusing the Irina Foundation of something like fraud would be practically asking for Yuna Hollander to throw one hundred bloodthirsty legal experts his way. Jean Paul really does not want to know why his fellow journalists look so haunted and empty-eyed when they mention her name. 

Mid-year, the Montreal Voyageurs reaching out to him start uttering the word “Rozanov” like they’re half-convinced saying his name three times in front of a mirror will summon him Bloody Mary-style. The team just keeps contacting him and talking in circles about…something that suddenly involves Ilya Rozanov. Hollander’s name is always front and center, as per usual. Rozanov’s name is peppered in a little less than Hollander’s, but his looming presence in the conversation is unmistakable. Another recent development: nowadays the players contact him in various states of drunkenness and desperation.

hollander

From: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

Im sorry im a little drunk right now and my wife keeps telling me to shut up but i need to tell someone its killing me

hollander is crazy 

I cant believe we all have to go back and pretend that everything is normal and fine

I dont want to ask for a trade to fuckass nevada or some shit because of him. My whole family is here. I dontknow what to do 

Re: hollander

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

To: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

Hi Gilbert,

I'd love to have a Skype call with you to discuss your concerns. Do you have time? 

Go habs go! :)

Jean-Paul

Re: hollander

From: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

No my wife is here

Re: hollander

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

To: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

Okay, we can talk here instead. Can you tell me more about Hollander being crazy?

Re: hollander

From: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

In june he did something and it haunts me

When I close my eyes I see it 

Makes me feel like throw up

Re: hollander

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

To: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

Please give me details on what he did.

Re: hollander

From: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

I cant even say it. Ugh

He and Rozanov they do terrible things together

Re: hollander

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

To: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

Can you tell me more about these terrible things? 

Re: hollander

From: Gilbert Comeau [email protected]

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

Jean-Paul,

Hi. This is Gil’s wife, Marie-Eve. Please disregard all of this. He’s had a little too much to drink tonight.  He had a nightmare about playing Ottawa last night and I think maybe the whiskey is making him think it was real. Happens to the best of us, right?

Merci,

Marie-Eve Corderre (Comeau)

And, okay, not all of the Voyageurs Jean Paul has spoken to are speaking about Hollander and Rozanov like they’re Count Dracula and Nosferatu teaming up specifically to torture this innocent little rosy-cheeked Quebecois hockey team. Some of the Voyageurs have had almost nothing but positive things to say…which is great and all for them, but it’s…boring. 

Take Laine, for instance: Jean Paul managed to corner Laine in between a bar and a Jean Coutu not long after the end of the Voyageurs’ cup parade. Laine was pleasantly drunk and extremely willing to take hold of the miniature microphone Jean Paul had plugged into his cell phone. Gripping the microphone between two fingers, the young player excitedly (and without any prompting at all) yammered at length about how inspirational Shane Hollander is, and how the Stanley Cup (and hockey itself) now means more to Laine on a spiritual level. There was something confusing and long-winded about the cup as a vessel that holds hopes and dreams, and something really corny about the power of love being figuratively and literally etched into it (and Laine did not care to explain the ‘literally’ aspect of the statement), something even more confusing about the beauty of blood, sweat, tears, champagne, and melted ice coming together into an intoxicating cocktail they all can partake in together, and something about the Centre Bell’s famous hot dogs being figurative swords in the great war against oppression, and – honestly, only about 10% of the interview made any sense at all. Laine was passionate to the point of stumbling over his own words and nearly in tears. In hindsight, Jean Paul’s pretty sure Laine brought up Ilya Rozanov a few times, but he kept slurring out something closer to ill your Rorschach, so…who knows where he was going with that. 

Thankfully, partially for Laine’s sake and partially for Jean Paul’s sake, Dmitri Andropov and his girlfriend emerged from the Jean Coutu holding several bottles of gatorade while Laine began to wax poetic about Shane Hollander’s never-ending fountain of bravery. The less-drunk duo clearly recognized Jean Paul, swiftly knocked the tiny microphone out of Laine’s hand (quickly replacing it with a cracked-open gatorade), before ushering Laine out of the alleyway. Jean Paul, frankly, has never been more relieved to have an interview cut short, save for the time he accidentally got cornerned while Frank Zullo ranted about cancel culture (before Carter Vaughan physically dragged him away). 

Hollander’s purported infinite fountain of bravery aside, Jean Paul keeps thinking about how Hollander and Rozanov apparently “do terrible things together.” What nefarious activities are those two hiding behind the shiny packaging of their joint charitable endeavour and illustrious careers? And what could they be doing that is so bad that it is driving (some of) the Voyageurs to have night terrors about them, while others drunkenly sing their praises?

Maybe they are doing the same to the Ottawa Centaurs. Who knows. Jean Paul can barely connect with them, which is tragic considering how close they are to him geographically. Their social media and PR team is quite a well-oiled machine that seems hellbent on shutting him out specifically. There’s also the fact that Jean-Paul kind of fucked himself over by taking photos of Tanner Dillon and Luca Haas’s sexy centaur poster when Dillon stupidly fell into Jean-Paul’s well-planned trap and hired him off of Taskrabbit to repair his sink. 

Dillon keeps pouring bacon grease down the drain, for what it's worth. What a nightmare. 

If Jean Paul can't get specifics out of the Voyageurs, and the Centaurs won't even give him a second glance, he needs to start looking elsewhere. What he needs to do is look into those Game Changers Hockey Camps the Irina Foundation is running. He asks Monica to reach out to Leah Campbell and Max Riley and see what she can dig up through them (if they respond, which Monica doubts. She won't tell Jean Paul why, but she looks quite haunted when she says it). He, meanwhile, still has a connection to Ryan Price. 

Interview request- Game Changers Hockey Camp

To: Ryan Price [email protected]

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

Hello Ryan,

I hope you’ve been well since I last saw you. I’m wondering if we can schedule a quick interview about the Irina Foundation Game Changers Hockey Camps and the excellent, inspirational work you're doing. I’d love the opportunity to get an insider look into the camps to share with my readers. 

Best wishes,
Jean Paul

Re: Interview request- Game Changers Hockey Camp

From: Ryan Price [email protected] 

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

Thank you for your interest.

For information on the camps, please visit www.irinafoundation.ca.quebec.org/about_us.

-Ryan

Re: Interview request- Game Changers Hockey Camp

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

To: Ryan Price [email protected]

Hi Ryan,

I'm looking for a more personal view on the camps. Could you tell me a bit about what it was like working with Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander?

Let me know!

Jean Paul

Re: Interview request- Game Changers Hockey Camp

From: Ryan Price [email protected] 

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

Thanks again for your interest. I recently wrote about my reflections on the GCHC for the Irina Foundation monthly newsletter. You can take a look at it here. 

-Ryan

[THIS MESSAGE WAS NOT DELIVERED] Re: Interview request- Game Changers Hockey Camp

From: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

To: Ryan Price [email protected]

Pricey (can I call you that?),

That’s a lovely reflection letter, but I’m hoping for something a little bit more personal and substantial. Readers (and potential donors!) love personal stories. This would be a great opportunity to bring more attention to the Irina Foundation. 

Can we call? 

Best,

Jean Paul

Okay, maybe he doesn't have a connection to Price. He shouldn’t have written that article about Price’s makeup a few weeks ago. That’s gotta be the problem, right? 

Ryan Price STUNS with SHOCKING new look!

By Jean Paul Beaudry

Posted June 19, 2019

Ryan Price, who recently retired from the MLH in February and is notoriously quiet about his personal life, has shocked the world with a daring new look.

Recent photos posted on the official Instagram page of a Toronto Pride pop-up event show Price adorned with dramatic green, glittery eye-makeup. Suffice to say: this is not a common look for retired MLH players!

According to an anonymous source allegedly close with a friend of Price’s partner: “It's not like this is an everyday look. Sometimes a guy wants to look a little extra pretty. Dont be fucking boring.”

While Price has never formally come out as gay, evidence on the matter is quickly piling up. In addition to appearances at Pride events, Ryan Price superfans still following the retired player’s activity have noted that Price appears to spend the majority of his time in Toronto’s gay village with his rumoured partner, up-and-coming musician Fabian Salah. 

“Fabian is like, a local legend,” one Torontonian told me a few weeks ago during a street interview. “You said this Ryan guy plays hockey? I didn’t know that. I don’t really know him, I’ve just seen him at shows. He’s like, really massive and really intimidating. My friend thinks Fabian’s using him for the scary dog privilege, but I dunno. It’s funny seeing him at Fabian’s shows because here’s this huge lumberjack type sticking out like a sore thumb, but he’s more passionate about the music than anyone else in the room. You wanna get a drink after this? Maybe Fabian and his guy will be there.”

Fans online are expressing a variety of reactions to the photos, ranging from outpourings of support to fierce criticism. 

“I’m so glad he kept this shit to himself when he played. A very certain player should have taken notes,” one netizen wrote on Reddit in response to the photos, likely taking a jab at Scott Hunter of the New York Admirals. Hunter is currently the only openly-gay active MLH player and famously revealed his sexuality to the public with a passionate on-ice kiss with his partner after the New York Admirals won the Stanley Cup in 2017. 

“And people wonder why bro got traded every year 🫵😂,” another Redditor commented.

“Slay mama but maybe we should consider a little contour next time?” another Reddit commenter wrote. 

Others have more positive things to say, such as one Twitter user who wrote: “If I had a role model like this when I was younger, I think some things might have turned out different for me. Power to him.” 

“The best thing Price ever did for the MLH is introduce me to Fabian Salah,” another Twitter user wrote. “They should give him a MVP award for that alone.”

You may also be interested in…

Fans confused after JJ Boiziau sets Instagram stories to Macklemore’s “Same Love”...for 21 days in a row (and counting!) 

Ottawa Centaurs fans on disappointing end to the 2018-2019 season: "BEST CITY IN THE WORLD BABY!"

Bostonians circulate petition to institutionalize Ilya Rozanov after first year on Ottawa Centaurs: "It’s a cry for help"

Listen, sometimes the news cycle is slow, and Jean Paul needs to figure out how to drive traffic to the website so the really juicy stuff always has the audience it deserves. He relies on a steady diet of low-hanging fruit during the lean times of hockey drama. What else is he supposed to do? Not post anything? Absolutely not. 

Is Ex-New York Admiral Eric Bennett having a mid-life crisis?

By Jean Paul Beaudry

Posted August 24, 2019

Divorced, retired, and dating a significantly younger man: these are all recent developments in the life of once-rock-solid Eric Bennett. For years, New York Admirals fans could look towards Bennett as a source of stability. Bennett was the unmoving, unchanging bedrock of the team, weathering multiple team scandals throughout his career both unfazed and untouched. 

And then 2019 hit.

Eric Bennett announced his divorce with longtime wife Holly in early January 2019, stating that the pair separated "amicably” a year prior.

Bennett announced his retirement from the MLH a mere month later.

This announcement was immediately followed by the shocking revelation that Bennett was in a relationship with a 25 year-old male bartender. 

"Bennett spends, like, all of his time at this gay bar," an anonymous source told me via Skype. "It's honestly kind of creepy in my opinion, like, get off of him." The pair allegedly met at The Kingfisher, a sports-focused queer-friendly bar in New York frequented by many members of the New York Admirals. 

Eagle-eyed fans on Twitter noted that Bennett's new beau looks shockingly like his ex-wife Holly.

"It's like if he made a wish to turn his ex-wife into a little twink lmfaoooooo," one Twitter user wrote. 

"He might as well be wearing a bucket hat that says MIDLIFE CRISIS. Maybe next he'll buy one of Rozanov's cars off of him," another Twitter user wrote. An artist on Twitter responded to the aforementioned tweet with a piece of original digital art depicting Bennett and Rozanov wearing matching "MIDLIFE CRISIS" bucket hats along with the caption "what is joe bidens plan to get rozanov back in boston."

Other fans hold a different point of view on Bennett's recent life changes. 

"I've met him a few times, and he's a really nice guy, I promise. And honestly, in the grand scheme of MLH scandals, falling in love with a slightly younger guy is like, so tame. Let's save the lashings for the ones who deserve it," an avid Admirals fan (still wearing a Bennett jersey months after his retirement) told me after a Voyageurs-Admirals game in April.

The mismatched pair have been publicly seen together frequently over the past few months. 

“If you see my ex-husband at pride, don’t dm me. I know,” Holly Bennett wrote in a now-deleted Facebook post in June. 

Holly Bennett declined an interview. 

You may also be interested in…

Everything you need to know about all 30 bombshell MLH divorces of 2018!

Toronto Guardians coach Bruce Cooper in hot water after comments that local Jamaican patties are "just okay"

Boston Bear Nathan Feller: "I've seen Jesus in the reflection of a parking lot puddle"

He doesn't get any closer to unveiling The Truth as the 2019-2020 season starts.

Every lead he has on the Game Changers Hockey Camps comes up dry– somehow, it seems that Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov hand-selected player volunteers that Jean Paul doesn't have a rapport with. He tries to contact other staffers and gets nothing but perfectly professional responses. They must be running those camps like the navy or have the most air-tight NDAs hockey has ever seen.

Back in August, Jean Paul showed up in-person to the Montreal camp to watch and it seemed…normal? Maybe almost too normal? And then Ryan Price ruined it by shoving his massive body in front of Jean Paul and telling him to stay away from the children. Price didn't even care when Jean Paul explained that he was a journalist, remember? We’ve spoken a few times! Price even called the police when Jean Paul said he just wanted to talk to some of the kids and their families! Jean Paul didn't fight back because he does not fuck around with the whole police thing, nor does he wish to become acquainted with Ryan ‘pay the price’ Price’s meaty fists. One of his journalistic ground rules is literally “do not get arrested,” after all. He’s tentatively adding “don’t get pummeled to death” to his list now.

On reflection: maybe that moment was where his relationship with Price soured, and not the article on his makeup. Maybe he should have gotten Monica to email Price instead. 

Whatever. It's fine. The Voyageurs, at least, have been talkative since October. Hollander has apparently been on a rampage, according to some. A few of the other guys have reached out to talk about how this season is going to be really great for the Voyageurs… and Jean Paul doesn't know what to make of those insider tidbits. What, is Hollander holding them at gunpoint to tell journalists that everything is fine? And what's all of this about him running practices himself? Coach Theriault has always been a bit of a weird one, but surely he can run his own team’s practice. Why in the hell is Hollander choosing the drills? What is going on over there? 

Luckily, while he gathers more info on the whole Hollander and Rozanov debacle, he still has plenty of other things to report on. In early November, one of the Seattle players was caught on video saying something so batshit insane about college girls that it completely took over the news cycle for a solid 48 hours. The Boston rookies conducted a seance near Halloween and claimed to have summoned several “deeply evil spirits that are now freely roaming Boston, we think, sorry. We think we also released John Hancock but honestly the spirit could have just been fucking with us.” Some of the guys down in Tampa were caught doing some shady transactions via Venmo. Jean Paul found Scott Hunter’s old Myspace account on the Wayback machine. Dallas Kent made a Tiktok account. 

And now…Adelia Moore is calling. 

Ugh. This can’t be anything good. 

Adelia’s…fine, Jean Paul guesses. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She’s nice enough. In the grand scheme of the small hockey reporting scene, Adelia is actually a pleasant colleague, in a way. It’s not like they’re actually colleagues, more like…competitors? But in a friendly way? The thing about Adelia is that there is something swimming behind her eyes that Jean Paul doesn’t trust. He has a running theory that Adelia hides her opportunist nature behind kind smiles and softball questions– she makes people comfortable, and then she sinks her teeth in when they’re all goopy and soft, and finally sucks out the scoop she wanted in the first place. Jean Paul doesn’t have proof– it’s a vibe, you know?

Monica thinks he’s jealous because Shane Hollander answers her questions sometimes. He refuses to dignify that with a response. 

Regardless, Adelia seems to think that they’re friends. Maybe. Maybe it’s all a ploy. Jean Paul really doesn’t understand her. Maybe she’s pretending to think that they’re friends so she can use him as a pawn in her twisted game of journalistic 4D chess.

“Bonjour, hi,” Jean Paul says as he picks up the phone, mostly out of habit. 

“JP,” Adelia greets. She’s been calling him that for years now. It’s all part of her methodology, Jean Paul thinks: soften the victim with a nice tone and a friendly smile, then slurp out their guts while they’re still warm and fuzzy. 

“What’s the reason for the call, ‘Delia?” Jean Paul asks. He can’t let her get more pleasantries in–and she will, if he lets her do it. 

“Someone on the Voyageurs reached out to me about some internal issues,” Adelia starts, voice suddenly all business. “It was an interesting conversation, but I don’t think it’s a worthwhile thing to write about at this time.”

“Okay?”

“Frankly, this is not something I want to get involved with,” Adelia continues. “And I thought I’d reach out and warn you– maybe you should avoid it too.”

“Who reached out? Comeau? Drapeau?” Jean Paul asks. “And why…warn me?”

Comeau and Drapeau both reached out to Jean Paul recently and had extensive, twisting-and-turning conversations with him. Some of the other guys have dropped small tidbits or joined their teammates on calls, mostly to chime in on occasion or stop someone from revealing too much information. 

Jean Paul posted his Drapeau article a few days ago. He literally just finished drafting a piece based on info Couillard Divulged. Jean Paul thinks he’ll try to squeeze a little something out of Hayden Pike next, if he can manage it. Pike can occasionally be seen hovering in the background during some of the Voyageur group calls (something that surprised Jean Paul, given that Pike has ignored every single inquiry Jean Paul and Monica sent about the Game Changers Hockey Camps, and boy, did they send a lot), never saying anything…except the time last week when he piped up to call Rozanov “a real piece of work” as Miitka stated that Rozanov was “the team’s sleep paralysis demon.” Pike has the potential to be a fountain of knowledge. He’s famously close with Hollander (at least, more so than the rest of the team is) and his obvious vitriol for Rozanov will make for a fascinating little sore spot to poke at. 

“Professional concern,” Adelia answers vaguely. “I read the piece you posted a few days ago. And no, it was Olsson. Comeau and Drapeau reached out to you?”

“Yeah. Hollander’s a problem, apparently?” Shit, why is Jean Paul continuing the conversation? Fucking Adelia. 

“Olsson said the same. Did Drapeau or Comeau say exactly why?” 

“No,” Jean Paul sighs. “They kept it vague. I also have a whole interview with Couillard written up that’s a whole lot of nothing.”

“Ah, I see,” Adelia says flatly. “Listen, I really don’t think this is a worthwhile lead,” she continues after a moment.

She wants this story all to herself, Jean Paul suddenly thinks. “Olsson gave you the details?” he asks.

Adelia huffs out a small, breathy laugh. “Well, he gave me part of the story, I think. There were definitely some details he was leaving out, but what he did say was illuminating,” she explains. “Again, I don’t think this is a worthwhile lead. If my hunch is correct, Hollander isn’t the problem here. I think the guys reaching out to us are the problems.” Adelia pauses for a moment. “Consider…not posting the Couillard article.”

Jean Paul scoffs. “I’m going to post it, ‘Delia. Maybe more from the Voyageurs camp will come out of the woodwork and give us more info. Then we’ll figure out what’s going on.”

On the other side of the line, Adelia sighs. “It’s your funeral, JP,” she says slowly. “Tread carefully.”

Adelia hangs up. Jean Paul prompty walks over to his desktop and posts his fucking interview. Fuck her and her professional concerns. He WILL get to the bottom of this.

The Elephant in the Voyageurs Locker Room: Several Montreal Voyageurs claim to be choked by team-wide “gag order”

By Jean Paul Beaudry

Posted: December 10, 2019

The hockey world is ablaze with a series of anonymous comments from current and former Montreal Voyageurs that tip-toe around an apparent major point of contention within the Voyageurs organization.

What is it? We don’t know. The team, seemingly, can’t tell us.

Want an example? Check out an anonymous interview previously posted on this website on December 5, which you can read here.

Another anonymous Voyageur reached out and expressed that life in the Voyageurs locker room is “a living hell” and “we can’t even talk about it.”

“I’ve been thinking about it lately and I think we really f*cked up,” the anonymous Voyageur stated. “I think that if we did things differently a few years ago, we wouldn’t be in this mess. If I had a time machine I’d go back to 2017 and beg everyone to stop making bets.”

The Voyageurs have a history of gambling-related problems plaguing the organization. Former Voyageur defenseman Jason Heinrich was recently revealed to be attending counselling for a “crippling gambling addiction" as recently as late 2016. According to people close to Heinrich, the culture of the Voyageurs locker room "did nothing to hep Jason's problem" and even hinted that other members of the team had encouraged Heinrich's behaviour.

“No, it’s not a gambling addiction. I mean, yeah, there were bets and stuff, but nothing crazy. You can’t post that we all have gambling addictions. Seriously. That’s not the problem. It never has been.”

But if betting is not the problem, what is?

“I don’t have a death wish. I can’t tell you. I think I signed a NDA but honestly I don’t remember at this point. I got a concussion kind of recently,” the anonymous Voyageur told me

So: the Montreal Voyageurs are experiencing some sort of major internal problem, that involves betting, and there may or may not be non-disclosure agreements involved.

Have crumbling team dynamics impacted the team on the ice? Some say so. 

In a recent podcast episode, Aaliyah Syed of the podcast Yuri and Aaliyah on Ice said “Sometimes it looks like there is a forcefield around Hollander, like, it looks like it physically pains some of the guys to communicate with him.”

The anonymous Voyageur painted a different picture. 

“I think we’re still playing the same, right? Maybe we’re playing better than ever. We literally just got the cup? I mean, we kinda sucked in 2018, but Captain [Shane Hollander] made us practice like crazy and told us we’d get the cup ‘or else.’ And we did. And I think we’re going to try to do it again.”

What does “or else” mean in this context? 

“I don’t know,” the anonymous player said. “I didn’t want to find out. I don’t think any of us did.”

Another anonymous Voyageur, who attended the anonymous interview as “emotional support,” chimed in: “Not like us winning made him any better. I think sh*t’s worse now.”

After this comment, a third “emotional support” anonymous Montreal Voyageur on the call slammed a hand over his teammate’s mouth and mimed a throat-slitting motion. 

Stephen Aleksiev, who recently joined the Voyageurs in July of 2019, publicly took to Reddit to post about an ongoing problem: Coach Alexis Theriault allegedly targeting Montreal Voyageur Captain Shane Hollander.

In the post, Aleksiev states: “...my coach is being really unfare to my captin :/ so my captin is a cool guy who works hard and is realy nice to me but coach and some of the guys on our teem are beeing really shitty about some personel stuff and coach basicaly threatened us if we tell anyone?? And now he is being really awful to captin because captin told coach first about his personel stuff and coach told him to never tell any of the teem but then he did. And i just feel really bad for him because it doesnt seem very fare that captin wasnt allowed to tell snyone?? some of the guys on the teem are mad at captin becuz captan didnt tell them the whole story for a long time and i think he still isnt teling us everything because hes scared or sumthing but also we all know tbat coach told him not to tell so obviously captain couldnt tell them when he wanted to its not his fault i think??? Im new to this teem so idk what to do and how to tell coach that he is being really unfare and also tell the older guys that they should be nicer to captin :( they keep saying shitty things about him behind his back and its really uncumfortabel they keep acting like captin did something bad but he didnt idk its just all really unfare…”

Is Hollander being subjected to the same gag order as the rest of the team? Or is he being unfairly targeted by coaching staff, as suggested by Aleksiev? Are these issues connected, or are these separate gag orders? What “personel stuff” is Hollander experiencing that could possibly make this young teammate so distraught? Are team dynamics crumbling behind the scenes? How does gambling play into this?

We reached out to Stephen Aleksiev and have not yet received a response. Stephen Aleksiev’s Reddit account has been inactive since his distressing post.

What’s going on inside the Bell Centre? Perhaps only time will tell.

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Henri Proulx from the Montreal Voyageurs sometimes swings by and drops little tidbits of info off at Jean Paul’s office. His visits increase in frequency when he is seemingly pissed off by his direct boss, Alexis Theriault. 

Henri’s a good guy. They get beers together sometimes. He has strong opinions and made Jean Paul swear a blood oath to never tell anyone on Earth that Henri actually prefers New York bagels over Montreal-style (something Jean Paul disagrees with, but frankly, he doesn’t even really like bagels at all). He even invited Jean Paul to his wedding to his husband Georges a few years back. It was a beautiful little ceremony that made Jean Paul yearn for the days that his ex-wife Judith still loved him. They were married only four months, but that’s neither here nor there.

Today, when Jean Paul walks into the office, Monica tells him that Henri swung by earlier this morning and left him a note. It’s a shame that Jean Paul missed his visit because he’s been dying to hear Henri’s opinions on the new John Wick film. He could just text Henri, sure, but hearing his opinions in-person is so much better. 

As promised, there is a little note on his desk with a little USB stick taped to it waiting for Jean Paul. 

Henri’s chicken-scratch half-cursive handwriting is always hell on earth to read. Luckily, Jean Paul has gotten plenty of practice over the years. It only takes him a few minutes to parse out the message scrawled on the page, which reads: “This is going to go out to a few places next week. I figured you’d appreciate a head start so you could get your article out first. I can’t give you too many specifics but I think it’d be good to get a little pressure on the organization. Everyone else is gonna get it on December 29th around 5pm, so make sure you post a little after so no one thinks YOU are the leak source. Merry Christmas! -Henri”

Jean Paul shoots a quick thank you text to his friend and pops the USB into his computer.

And…wow. Okay. There’s a lot to sift through here. A whole lot of stuff is redacted and altered, like this PDF document that has clearly been printed once in order to scratch out names and other bits of information, and then rescanned, but…there’s enough to work with. There’s more than enough to work with. How the hell did Henri get access to Roger Crowell’s personal emails? This is crazy. Jean Paul makes a mental note to ask him about that. He’d probably kill to spend a day sifting through Crowell’s outbox. 

Like, Jean Paul would absolutely kill a man just to know the context for “Tell me you’re fucking joking Sent from my Samsung Refrigerator,” an allegedly real email Roger Crowell sent to Alexis Theriault in late December of 2017. Or perhaps why someone from Boston’s HR department, using a personal email address, contacted a representative of Ottawa’s HR department on their own personal email in July of 2018 to say “You’re in for a lot of bullshit. Sorry. We tried our best. Good luck.” Actually, how the fuck did Henri get that? 

It’s simultaneously the effing motherlode, and a whole pile of steaming nothing.

Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov’s names are packed into each and every file on this thing– investigation reports with big chunks missing, emails discussing their “unacceptable behaviour,” internal discussions of locker room problems and complaints, lengthy emails from several HR departments full of careful language, and good lord…MLH correspondence with several law firms. 

The problem is that everyone involved seems to be speaking in fucking code. The context is completely buried under the branding of “the Hollander and Rozanov problem” or “The Hollander-Rozanov problem” or “the [REDACTED] problem.” There are mentions of photo and video attachments with vague, anonymizing names that he aches to click on but cannot. There is an audio recording of Alexis Theriault, choked up and groaning, asking what he did to deserve this hell. There is another audio recording of Theriault addressing several people, in which he outwardly wonders if he’s been doing the right thing. There’s a series of all-staff emails demanding silence regarding an “incident.” There are a few difficult-to-parse memes shared between Centaurs staff and Bears staff openly mocking the Voyageurs’ front office. There’s a picture of Hollander and Rozanov donning goofy smiles and matching Game Changers Hockey Camp polo shirts tucked into khaki shorts captioned “CROWELL’S WORST NIGHTMARE” in bold font.

There’s a lot of recordings and random odds and ends from Theriault and the rest of the Voyageurs administrative team, which Jean Paul presumes he should have expected. He got this from Henri, after all. Henri has a hell of a lot of access to Theriault and the wider Voyageurs organization. He could probably get Theriault’s personal home address and social insurance number out of Henri if he asked for it– not that he’d ever actually ask for his social insurance number. That’d be too much! The home address, however…that’s another story. 

Jean Paul just wishes someone from these email chains would jump out of his screen and give him an expository monologue, like that llama dude in that Disney movie he saw ages ago. What’s his name? He yells in the general direction he thinks Monica is sitting and asks. Kuzco, she yells back at him. Did Henri drop off a torrented copy of Emperor’s New Groove or something? Jean Paul just asks Monica to come closer so they can have an all-team huddle.

Whatever the fuck those two kids did, it’s bad. It’s bad enough that the MLH wants to sue them within every inch of their asses, and for some reason, a whole hockey-rink full of fancy lawyers are screaming at the MLH to back the fuck off immediately. Merry Christmas to him, indeed. This could fuel his website for months…years, maybe. He can already see himself writing retrospective articles about the Hollander-Rozanov problem in 2026. 

He needs to activate every network he has at his disposal. 

Monica slowly shuffles over to Jean Paul’s desk, holding a cup of tea in her Montreal Canadiennes mug. “Spill the tea,” she says flatly. 

“What? Why would I do that?” Jean Paul asks, aghast. “It’ll stain the carpet.”

“It’s a saying.”

Jean Paul doesn’t have time for Monica’s strange little riddles. They have a story to blow wide open!

“Put that mug on a stable, flat surface and look at my computer,” he orders. As Monica blinks down at his computer screen (and not putting her mug on a stable, flat surface, good lord), Jean Paul warily watches her cup. 

“...Huh,” Monica says after a while, taking a small sip. Jean Paul continues to monitor her closely for potential spillage. “Woof. Okay. What’s the plan?”

“We need to play our cards right,” Jean Paul says. “We could be sitting on a goldmine. A real storm is brewing.”

“I mean, obviously,” Monica says, waving her hand towards the computer flippantly. The liquid in her mug sloshes around a little. “You think they’re smashing?”

What? “Smashing?” Jean Paul repeats incredulously. Monica just nods her head. “Hollander and Rozanov?” Jean Paul asks, just for the sake of clarification. Monica nods again, clearly getting a little annoyed. 

The thing is—yeah, maybe they are. Who knows. He’s seen crazier things. He’s seen players go on benders that would give a fraternity president nightmares for years to come. He’s seen swinging scandals. He’s seen sex tapes featuring players engaging in some really unsettling kinks. He’s seen Vincent Lemaire’s google search history. He’s been hearing rumours of players banging each other since the late 90s. Hollander and Rozanov having sex would be an extremely juicy story, but not as earth-shattering as these emails imply the problem actually is. Also, it’s just a ridiculous theory in general. Rozanov is publicly known for being a chronic womanizer, and Hollander has recently been showing some signs of being the same behind closed doors. It’s way more likely that Hollander and Rozanov are having affairs with all of Voyageurs’ wives and girlfriends.

He can’t shoot himself in the foot by running the sensationalist secret gay romance story if he wants to figure out what’s really going on here. 

“I don’t think so,” Jean Paul says. “Plus, If I suggest that I'll get sued within an inch of my life by the Hollanders. I’ve been threatened enough for the Machado article already.” It was just one cease and desist letter from Hollaner’s side, and one extremely angry Facebook message from an extremely embarrassed Dmitri Andropov, which is fine. He’s dealt with both of these scenarios before. He just doesn’t want to provoke the Hollander camp more…not yet, at least. “Let's play it safer than that. Also, I can’t post about these files until the 29th. Henri is just giving me some time to prep my article before anyone else.”

Monica rolls her eyes. “There are already some people on Twitter saying it's obvious that they're together. And with this…I dunno. I think it’s a compelling argument? One article can’t hurt. You could focus on the fan theory angle for now and see if it grows legs once you post the leak article too.”

“I just got a lead from a player in Colorado who says he saw Hollander and Rozanov brutally attack each other back in 2011,” he says truthfully. He got that little tidbit of info just two weeks ago and has been sitting on it as a little rainy day treat when the news cycle runs a little dry. “For now, I think I'll jump on that instead of doing a Twitter theory story, but it's a good fallback.” 

“Your loss,” Monica shrugs. “By the way, I’m about to email you the draft of my story on the Maddie Glenn and Alysa Schizas affair.” 

“I’ll take a look. Thanks, Monica,” Jean Paul says, turning back to his computer. Monica suspected that Glenn and Schizas were a thing months before anyone else caught wind of it. Maybe she’s got an eye for that sort of thing. 

Or maybe that’s just a thing that happens in women’s hockey. Who knows. 

“The two of them just started going nuts on each other”:  Anonymous witness claims Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov BRUTALLY ATTACKED each other during 2011 MLH Awards!

By Jean Paul Beaudry

Posted December 22, 2019

Yes, you read that right: a trustworthy, anonymous insider source just revealed that they witnessed firsthand a BRUTAL fight between longtime rivals Shane Hollander (Montreal Voyageurs) and Ilya Rozanov (currently Ottawa Centaurs, formerly Boston Bears) in 2011.

The alleged fight occurred during the annual MLH awards ceremony in Las Vegas, Nevada in June 2011. According to the witness, Hollander and Rozanov were seen alone together on a balcony.

"I saw them from a distance, standing together by a balcony and talking, I think, and then suddenly they were beating the sh*t out of each other," the witness told me. 

Allegedly, Rozanov was alone on the balcony before being approached by Hollander. The two engaged in a verbal argument for some time before Rozanov pushed Hollander against a wall and “the two of them just started going nuts on each other. It was brutal,” according to the witness.

Apparently the fight was short-lived– the pair reportedly separated quickly and left without further incident. From photos from that evening, it appears that neither participant left lasting marks on his opponent, which helped this explosive story stay secret…until now.

Hollander and Rozanov are no strangers to fighting each other, although the fights usually happen on the scoreboard. During the 2010-2011 season, Hollander and Rozanov engaged in a scoring race against each other after Rozanov claimed he would score 50 goals in his rookie season. Even before the infamous rivals were drafted (Rozanov as #1, Hollander as #2) in 2009, the pair were already going toe-to-toe with each other at international competitions. 

No doubt that the intense rivalry came to a head that evening in 2011. 

Since then, Rozanov and Hollander have shocked the world by announcing a joint venture together: a charitable organization named the Irina Foundation, named for Rozanov's late mother. The pair also announced their longtime friendship– a move that shocked some fans even more so than the joint charity announcement. 

“I don’t buy it for a second. I think they’re trying to cover something up,” podcaster Richard Rampersad stated in a January 2019 episode. 

“I don’t know what they’ve been up to since 2011, but I know what I saw,” our witness stated. “That rivalry goes way beyond the arena. Even behind closed doors, they’re at each others’ throats.”

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The “brutal attack” article gets plenty of attention, just as Jean Paul anticipated. It gets shared across a number of platforms and garners a fierce debate in the article’s dedicated comment section. I wonder if they became friends right after the fight. My teen boy is best friends with a kid he got into a huge fistfight with. They’ve been inseparable ever since, one particularly memorable commenter wrote, which started yet another comments-section debate over whether or not the Irina Foundation is a cover-up for something truly terrible the pair are being privately forced to atone for. Listen, Jean Paul can’t accuse the charity of being a cover-up, but he’s more than happy letting his anonymous commenters write whatever the hell they want. 

A reporter after Jean Paul’s own heart even mentions the story directly to Rozanov during post-game media availability right after the Centaurs managed to wring out a last-minute win against Philadelphia. Thank god, really– Jean Paul couldn’t go there himself to ask about it due to the whole avoiding-arrest-in-the-USA-thing, and the Centaurs are on a lengthy roadie across the States for the next week. 

Rozanov, for what it’s worth, doesn’t even bother denying the allegations. 

“Yes, I read the article. The phrasing was very funny. Hollander and I are often, as the article said, at each other’s throats. We are career rivals no matter how close we are to each other in our personal lives,” he responded to the reporter. Something about the way he said it felt a bit like he was mocking Jean Paul’s phrasing…for what specific reason, Jean Paul can’t figure out. Rozanov raises a hand to his nose quickly, partially covering the shit-eating grin he’s visibly fighting off, but it could also just be an ill-timed sniffle. “I don’t know about ‘beating the shit out of each other,’ though. I mean, fighting isn’t really Hollander’s style. We prefer, ah, roughhousing? You know how it is,”  Rozanov continued before moving on to respond to a much more boring question. 

Hollander hasn’t had any media availability all month, which is extremely strange. Montreal usually loves parading their golden goose in front of the cameras. 

The article, all things considered, is just a tasty little amuse-bouche for his audience prior to the main dish: the downright nuclear draft Jean Paul spends all of Christmas and Boxing Day just itching to hit post on. His article on those leaked internal documents is going to go quadruple platinum. He practically drools just thinking about it. 

His plan, which he intends to stick to no matter what, is to post his article 15 minutes after the leaks reach everyone else Henri plans to send them to. According to Henri, who gave him a quick call just a few days ago, Henri also plans to post most of the smorgasbord directly to Mediafire sans a few details. The general public who brave the website and hit the download button will not receive anyone’s personal contact information, nor a good chunk of the less-important internal Montreal interactions. Apparently having too much straight from the depths of the Voyageur’s internal files might make people suspicious of Montreal staff, and Henri kind of wants to keep his job for now. He and Georges are still saving up for a trip to Cancun, after all. Henri plans to use a VPN that will trace him back to Buffalo instead of Montreal, which he told Jean Paul in a mocking tone. Fucking dickhead. He knows Buffalo is a sore spot for Jean Paul. 

Once the leaks and his own article are posted, Jean Paul plans to do everything he can to get to the bottom of this. Unfortunately, the Voyageurs thus far have not given him particularly detailed information. No matter how much they clearly want to tell him everything, they’re clearly shaken by threats Montreal and…their own spouses (or some reason?) are allegedly hitting them with. Drapeau recently told him that there are real threats of trades or “random” moves down to the farm team for anyone who spills too many beans. Boiziau went out of his way to let Jean Paul know that there is absolutely nothing suspicious going on behind-the-scenes. Miitka asked him via email to “forget literally anything I’ve told you over the past, I dunno, year or so. I don’t remember what I’ve said but just forget it all just to be safe. Thanks.”

While the Voyageurs are kind of useless, the Centaurs are even worse– the Centaurs are shockingly good at keeping their lips zipped, and Jean Paul recently learned that he’s banned from the Canadian Tire Centre after being (physically) denied entry, which really fucking sucks. He’s pretty sure his photograph has been shared with all members of their security team, and none of them were chill with his bribery attempts (which also fucking sucks, seriously, the Centaurs can’t possibly be paying their security that much. Who do these people think they are?) which means he’ll have to devise a really solid disguise the next time he goes to Ottawa. It’s been a few years since he’s had to bust out his lace-front and makeup. He hopes his emergency disguise dress still fits. 

The Bears…they are also useless in this situation, honestly. They’re a talkative bunch but can’t stay on topic to save their fucking lives (which mercifully gives him plenty of material to work with, even if it’s never on the topic he asked them about), and they seem just as mystified as everyone else on God’s green Earth about Rozanov signing with Ottawa. 

(Jean Paul suspects that Cliff Marlow knows something but is just playing dumb– he hasn’t said anything specific that’s rung mental alarm bells, but there’s a weird glint in his eyes when Rozanov’s move gets brought up. There’s also that time Varkov suggested that the popular theory that Rozanov experienced a major psychotic break close to contract negotiations was “probably real,” and Marlow simply said “No, that’s not it. Uhm, I mean, whatever the reason actually is, I’m like, pretty sure that’s not it. Yeah.”)

Rozanov, for what it’s worth, is the most useless of all. He treats media availability like it’s his own personal little flea circus, refuses to answer phone calls, hasn’t logged into Facebook since 2012, uses Instagram exclusively to dump blurry photos of bullshit like sunsets over a lake and cans of ginger ale once every two months, and his agent (the same agent as Shane Hollander, which is…interesting to note) is completely unwilling to fork over his email address. There’s a brief mention in Henri’s internal documents straight from the Boston Bears that references the fact that the team apparently sent Rozanov to “remedial cybersecurity basics training” on five separate occasions due to the man repeatedly failing the organization’s routine phishing tests, which was nestled in a paragraph explaining that there was absolutely zero chance Rozanov and Hollander are involved in online sports betting fraud. Maybe Rozanov isn’t allowed to have his own email address anymore. Who knows.

That would make for a fun story. Jean Paul files that away for a rainy day. 

Well, if the players aren’t able to give him good info, Jean Paul will just have to go straight to the person apparently ordering this collective silence: Alexis Theriault. Henri will probably be perfectly amenable to giving Jean Paul access to Theriault’s personal schedule and home address. There’s also Johanne, who Henri thinks is actively looking for employment elsewhere. Maybe she’ll be willing to talk sometime soon. If all else fails, there’s a back entrance to the Brossard training rink that doesn’t completely shut when it’s super cold outside, so all Jean Paul would need to do is wait for a particularly freezing day, and–

His planning is interrupted by the chime of a phone notification.

DICK MEASURING CONTEST

From: Monica Kim [email protected]

To: Jean Paul Beaudry [email protected]

Hey jean i’m at the canadiennes game and i just overheard two players talking about how the san jose dudes are having honest to god dick measuring contests? With measuring tapes and graphs and stuff? Mackenzie Leaside’s cousin is on the san jose echl affiliate btw i think that's why they know about this. There may or may not be penis enlargement tools and pills going on. Mackenzie said the family’s amazon algo is fucked because her cousin keeps looking up weird shit. Possible lead for you?

Btw Sophie made eye contact with me and winked!!!! I’m thinking we’ll have a spring wedding. I hope she loves the pinterest boards I made <3

God, Jean Paul doesn’t know what he’d do without Monica and her always-open eyes and ears. Alexis Theriault can wait for now. Jean Paul needs to hop on this dick measuring contest story as soon as humanly possible. The people NEED this story.