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Daffy sat irritated, he had been on the worst date of his entire life, and the date was somehow not done yet. The guy, who was called Bugs, had given him flowers, which caused Daffy to have an asthma attack, which, to his credit, Bugs had immediately gotten rid of. He took him to a vegan restaurant. Daffy barely eats a vegetable, and this guy wants him to have vegan food. He started regretting even agreeing to this blind date that Porky and Petunia set up.
Ever since Porky and Petunia started dating, they loved to play matchmakers. So far, they set up four of their friends on a blind date, and somehow all these people ended up in a relationship.
Even Lola, who was obsessed with a guy, they had set her on a date with a girl called Tina, and they had been inseparable ever since.
And for whatever reason, they wanted to take on a challenge to find Daffy his perfect match. They had begged and pleaded for Daffy to tell them what he liked so he can set him up, they would call all day. Daffy stopped using his phone when they stopped paying for lunch, that's when he finally agreed.
Despite the fact that Daffy was defeated, he didn’t want to play along and give them reasonable demands. He needed to prove that whatever they had worked for before had been just a fluke, so he started asking for the impossible, a celebrity but not in the limelight, rich who would pay for everything, has his own house, self-made, but never working, a patient guy who has all the money and time in the world. Somehow they had called him the next day with a date.
Despite the flowers and vegan restaurant issue, Daffy was willing to let it go, especially since the guy was rich. He looked at the menu, making face after another before Bugs smiled softly with a sweet “Trust me, I know the best food here. Let me say sorry for the whole flowers fiasco.” and ended up ordering him ‘Vegan Shepherd pie’.
Daffy hated people ordering for him, and what even is this dish? He had never heard of it before! It sounded fake. Bugs raved on about the sauce on the dish and how it is sweet and tangy with tropical fruits, and Daffy blocked it out, thinking about how he could have ordered Spaghetti with truffles.
“So Porky tells me you are rich?” Daffy cut off Bugs, if he went on this date, he wanted to make sure at least the guy was rich, so he could string him along for some time.
Bugs stared at him for two seconds before laughing. “Yeah, I am. And Porky told me you are a City Council member?” Bug asked.
“Well, I was. faked my death to get out of it. I am a free spirit now, not tied by anyone,” Daffy responded casually, to which Bugs laughed, adding to Daffy’s annoyance. He felt like he was being mocked.
“Right, so unemployed?” Bugs teased.
“Well, excuse me for not having daddy’s money to fall back on.” Daffy said, annoyed.
“I actually invented the carrot peeler.” Bugs said casually, “I think we ran into each other before. At Pizzarriba, but you were always busy. I think you once even had like over fifty hot dogs on the table. What was that about?”
Daffy was spared having to answer the question since their food arrived. Before Bugs could tell him to continue, he shoved a huge spoon of his meal down his throat before he started feeling a tingling in his mouth and his throat starting to close up.
He never had this feeling unless there was pineapple in his meal, and he understood why Bugs called the sauce tropical. “I… I… am-m …a-allergic!” he managed to say clearly, seeing the wild, frightened eyes on his date.
He barely remembers the ride, but at least he was now in a hospital trying to get his health insurance on the line after the idiot took him to a hospital out of his coverage. This date was getting worse.
He heard the guys start saying, “I think I can help you with-”
“I think you have helped me enough for today.” Daffy said, pissed, if he never saw this guy again, it would be a mercy from the heavens.
Daffy doesn’t remember the rest of the night, but Porky had to show up and fix everything. Daffy kept yelling on the insurance line, and Bugs had the only decent idea for the night and called Porky.
Ever since then Porky and Petunia hadn’t lived this one down, and Daffy, to his credit, refused to let even Bugs live it down either, so every time he went on a date, even a bad date, he would send a message to Bugs that said “Another successful date with no murder attempt on my life.” To which to Bugs credit he would apologize again and ask about Daffy’s date.
After a while, Daffy got used to this routine, he goes on a date, and after going home, he shoots Bugs a message about the date. Bugs would always apologize before listening to Daffy’s 6-minute voice note about the date, and Bugs would give comments about every part of the message. They would joke about the date and would compare it to previous dates Daffy was on, this routine went on for months.
Daffy was listening to his latest date talk, the guy kept going on and on about finance, and Daffy found himself smiling. He couldn’t wait to tell Bugs about this date, he found himself more interested in going home and detailing the date to Bugs than whatever his date was saying. And suddenly it hit him that he really liked Bugs, their conversations about his dates were always more interesting than the dates themselves. They always talked to the end of the night about whatever.
He didn’t know why Bugs entertained him so much if he was on the receiving end he would have blocked his number by now and moved on by now. But why was Bugs so patient and so sweet to him? He had to know. He excused himself and ditched the date, calling Porky.
“Porky, finally, I have a question?” Daffy asked.
“C-c-couldn’t this wait till t-t-tomorrow?” Porky answered, clearly tired. It was very late after all.
“Why did you set me up with Bugs? How did it take you less than a day to convince him?” Daffy questioned.
“I-I didn’t have to.” Porky said before adding, “He a-a-asked to be set up with you for a w-while. He even p-paid your hospital b-bill.”
Daffy ended the call and quickly called Bugs, who, to his credit, answered after the first ring.”
Bugs asked with a seemingly happy attitude, “So how was the newest date?”
“This was the best date I ever had; the guy even asked me to be his boyfriend.”
“That sounds wonderful,” Bugs said, saying ecclesiastically.
But for the first time, Daffy could hear the strained smile, the fact that this conversation had hurt Bugs. Bugs had been there for him throughout all these last few months as many dates went nowhere, as many guys who Daffy liked ghosted him, and Daffy had to pretend it didn't hurt. As Bugs told him about one date he had, Daffy felt jealous and cut the conversation short so Bugs learned not to bring up his love life.
“But I told him I liked someone else.” Daffy said.
Bugs was quiet for too long and finally cut the silence with the phrase Bugs was waiting for so long: “I think you owe me a redo after that terrible first date.”
Bugs smiled widely and nodded. “How about a fancy dinner? At a restaurant that offers meat?”
Daffy answered, "Your treat."
And if Porky and Petunia were right about his match, so what? It’s not like Daffy will ever tell them, well, not unless there is a ring on his finger.