Archive of Our Own

“Did you know that STAY thought you were one of the straightest members a few years ago?” Jeongin asked, plopping down next to Seungmin.

Seungmin faltered and looked up from his phone. They just got dismissed for a short water break during their dance practice, and he was checking out Felix’s most recent post.

“I’m sorry, what?” Seungmin balked. “In what world?”

“That’s what I’m saying!” Jeongin smiled. He relaxed further into the couch. “Don’t worry, that hasn’t been in the case for several years.”

“Who’s it now?”

“Me and Chan.”

“You and Chan?!” Seungmin laughed. “As the straightest members?”

“We’re straighter than you.”

“You’ve literally had your dick in some dude’s ass.”

“Oh, shut up, virgin.” Jeongin huffed humorously.

Seungmin barked out a laugh, and turned to look around the room, his phone forgotten on his lap.

Seungmin had gotten used to observing.

Watching from the outside, looking from the sidelines, peering in through the cracks of what was there to see what wasn’t. He was used to it. Familiar with, even.

It helped that he was a part of such a loud and obnoxious group. Seungmin wasn’t shy– most definitely not. He wasn’t quiet either. Not really. He was just more… selective with his words was all. He thought over what he wanted to say before he spoke. Not out of fear of rejection or mocking (maybe a little bit) but out of carefulness. Caution.

In the industry Seungmin was a part of, it was better, more beneficial, to be observant, to watch instead of engaging. Because in this industry, so much was left unsaid. So much was done in secret, away from the public eye. You learn to see through what they want you to see, and you’ll realize just how much more there is when you look beyond that.You’ll discover everything if you read between the lines and look for what they’re trying not to show.

Observing wasn’t an uncommon skill though– especially in their job– but it was difficult to master. 

You pick up on it rather quickly that you can’t hide because people (fans, managers, crew, other idols, etc.) notice when something’s being hidden from them, so you figure out how to not-hide. You learn the difference between ‘hiding’ and simply just ‘not showing.’

Objectively, the same in intention, but different in execution.

And execution was everything.

Two of Seungmin’s very own members had mastered their type of execution, of not hiding and just ‘not showing.’ Minho and Jisung had been dating since a little after debut. Idols weren’t allowed to date, much less publicly, much less someone of the same gender, and definitely not someone in their own group (being shipped was something entirely different). Some idols might’ve been allowed, sure, but not really. Some idols might be allowed to come out as queer or hint at it, some were allowed to date (maybe even publicly), but it really depended on the group and the company they were under.

Stray Kids were lucky enough to ‘come out’ as allies, but they couldn’t push it too far– no matter how much they wanted to.

Minho and Jisung’s method of ‘hiding’ their relationship was to ‘not hide.’ It seemed counterproductive, redundant, but they were clever in how they executed it, and it worked. 

Essentially, the two didn’t hide their relationship, their feelings for the other. They just played into it for ‘fan service,’ so no one would question when Jisung called Minho ‘jagi,’ when they stared at each other a little too long or a little too lovingly, when Minho treated Jisung a little sweeter than the other members, when they slip and almost kiss on camera. No one questioned it because it was their ‘thing.’

They were smart about it. So smart that Seungmin– and he’d die before admitting this aloud– copied their strategy. 

It was different, obviously, since he wasn’t dating the person and not nearly to the same degree, but enough that he could hide behind. Which he did.

He had mastered it: ‘Seungmin’s obsession with Seo Changbin.’

Seungmin would mention Changbin in every interview– even when he wasn’t the right answer, even if it set him back in a game, even if he wasn’t even close to being related to the prompt or topic– he’d initiate skinship with him all the time– even if half the time ‘initiating’ was just bothering the elder until he did it.

That was the other way Seungmin added to the illusion, another way he hid behind: being a brat. 

Seungmin teased all the members, sure– it was literally his brand at this point– but Changbin the most, constantly goading and “poking the bear” all so that Changbin’s attention was on him.

It wasn’t entirely just a front; Seungmin was definitely a brat– he just played it up for the cameras, for STAY. All so he could hide the truth.

“You bug me the most,” Changbin had said during their ‘2 Kid Room’ episode. “You don’t bother the other guys as much. Just me. Why?”

“The other guys aren’t as fun,” Seungmin had said because he couldn’t say the truth: that he didn’t like the others’ attention as much as he craved Changbin’s. He didn’t bother the other guys as much because he didn’t like them as much as he liked Changbin, in the way he liked Changbin. 

“My reactions are fun for you?”

Yes. “I don’t know.”

“I have to assume you like me then.”

Seungmin had panicked, his brain shutting off and only the many years of publicity and PR training allowed him to play along until his heartrate returned to normal.

Seungmin played into it– his ‘crush’ on Changbin, his ‘puppy love’ if you will– if only to hide the much more real, not for fanservice, not-so-fake feelings.

It didn’t work on everyone though.

Chan was too busy with work and the group as a whole and management that he never noticed the small details about and between members like one-sided crushes. Minho teased Seungmin about his crush all the time, but Seungmin didn’t doubt that Minho hadn’t actually picked up on the fact that the crush was actually real yet. Changbin thought it to be a joke for STAY (thank God). Hyunjin was too blind to notice– though if he knew, Seungmin was certain he’d be all for it. Jisung was definitely none the wiser, and Felix was suspicious but not yet convinced.

Jeongin was the problem.

Jeongin and Seungmin had always been really close. It came with them being the two youngest of the group and the only ones in their little vocal racha. Even though Seungmin considered the rest of the boys basically his family at that point, Jeongin was Seungmin’s best friend. Something separate and special.

Jeongin read Seungmin better than anyone else in the world (the same was true the other way around). He quickly realized just how genuine Seungmin’s “crush” was, how bad it was. Far too quickly in Seungmin’s biased opinion.

He was the only one who knew Seungmin’s crush was real for a fact and the only one to know just how genuine it actually was.

He was also the only one who knew why Seungmin would never and could never confess.

Jeongin didn’t agree with Seungmin. Of course he didn’t. He didn’t have the same stack of issues that Seungmin had. He didn’t have a crush on a fellow member. He didn’t have a crush on someone he couldn’t have. He wasn’t… he wasn’t like Seungmin.

That didn’t change the facts though. 

There was no hope of Changbin and Seungmin being together happily, and Seungmin loved Changbin too much to ever force him into that situation.

So Seungmin would never confess.

Seungmin would force himself to live like this forever: hopelessly pining after someone he could never have while being forced to pretend it’s all for publicity. He wasn’t unhappy with this situation per se. Not anymore. Not like he used to be. He was resigned about it now. He had accepted it. He had come to terms with it.

Ignore all Jeongin had to say about it. He didn't know what he was talking about. Obviously.

Which was why Seungmin was pointedly ignoring Jeongin’s look at the moment and instead continued to stare at Changbin as the elder practiced the dance during the water break. He was allowing himself to be open about his ogling this time around only because of the multiple cameras on them, filming some footage for another SKZ-talker.

It was hardly Seungmin’s fault anyway with the downright sinful way Changbin was rolling his hips. It wasn’t even necessary! STAY always commented on Hyunjin altering their dances to fit his style, but Changbin was just as guilty with the sheer amount of thrusting and body rolls he added to the chorea regularly. It was obscene really.

“You’re gonna start drooling like an actual puppy soon.” Jeongin whispered, mindful of the handful of mics around the room. There was at least a foot of space between them because their maknae refused to initiate skinship on camera– that side of him (the snuggly, thigmophilic cuddlebug side of him) was reserved for a select few behind closed doors and away from STAY. Another thing to hide.

Seungmin glared at him. “It’s his fault. He’s not doing the choreo right. There are no body rolls.”

“Like you’re complaining.” He scoffed. “I might copy it. It looks good.”

“STAY will like it.”

“More than just STAY.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes, “Pabo.”

“Brat.”

“Minnie’s being a brat?” Minho walked over. “Shocker.”

Seungmin opened his mouth to make a comeback, but Minho beat him to it.

“Nuh-uh, puppy. We’ve got cameras on us today.” Minho chided, smirking. Seungmin glared at him, hoping the not-idol-not-camera friendly words were coming across from his eyes alone. “Come on. Let’s get back to it!”

Minho walked back to position, making sure to slap Changbin’s ass on the way. The two youngest shared an exasperated look before making their way over as well.

“You know that could be you if you just-”

“Shut up.”

“I really don’t see the harm in just telling him.” Jeongin brought up again as they ate dinner. It was just them tonight, with enough McDonalds to feed five times as many people spread out between them. Felix was supposed to join them as well, but he decided to go eat with Hyunjin instead.

“I’m not entertaining this conversation again.” Seungmin didn’t look up from his fries. “It’s redundant at this point. We’re wasting oxygen.”

“Breathe less then.” Jeongin retorted. “Even if he doesn’t feel the same– which he does-”

“Which he doesn’t.”

“Even if he doesn’t,” Jeongin amended, disbelieving. “Hyung’s nice and understanding.”

“I’m going to tell hyung you complimented him.”

“Not a compliment– an observation– and if you do, I’ll explain the context.”

Seungmin scowled.

“As I was saying, he’s too Changbin to let it change anything.” Jeongin said. “He wouldn’t judge you or treat you differently.”

“For what part?” Seungmin asked, unimpressed. “My feelings or the other thing?”

“Either.”

“Ha.”

“I mean it, Min. Changbin wouldn’t be mean about it– either thing– and if he rejected you (which he wouldn’t), at least you’d know the truth about how he feels, and you’ll be able to get over him.”

“He wouldn’t be mean about it. That’s the problem.” Seungmin sighed, tired of having this conversation for nth time. “You know Changbin-hyung. He’d feel guilty.”

“Guilty?”

“For not liking me back.”

“And if he did? Like you back, that is.”

“Then I’d feel guilty for being unable to give him what he wants.”

“And who says he wants what you think he does?”

Seungmin gave him a flat look, “Every guy wants that.”

“You don’t.”

“I’m the exception.”

“And who’s to say you won’t be his?”

Seungmin faltered, “What?”

“Say he does want that,” Jeongin shrugged. “Who’s to say that it's a deal breaker for him that you don’t?”

“It usually is.” Seungmin mumbled, returning his gaze down to his fries.

“Changbin could be different.”

Seungmin doubted it.

It wasn’t that Seungmin thought poorly of Changbin– it was the opposite, really. Seungmin probably thought too highly of the rapper– hence the crush– but Seungmin had his entire life as experience.

It always happened the same way: someone liked Seungmin, they’d talk for a bit, Seungmin’d tell them, and they’d lose interest. Every time. It happened mostly in school. To the point that Seungmin stopped just telling the truth and just started lying to avoid the judgement: he wasn’t ready yet, he was too busy, he wasn’t interested, etc.

Then he was in training and debuted and the excuses shifted: he legally couldn’t date, he was too busy, he was too focused on his career, it was too risky, blah, blah, blah.

It was easier this way.

He knew it didn’t stop the other members because Seungmin heard stories, but he didn’t really listen unless it was a certain hyung…

Which was how he knew it wouldn’t work out between them.

It wasn’t like he was ashamed or anything. Sure, he felt a bit like an outsider whenever the topic arose or the other members started to tell their own experiences, but he had grown used to it, accepted it, become resigned to it if you will.

He knew there wasn’t something wrong with him. He knew the name for what he was. He liked the label even, but he didn’t often use it to actually describe himself because it felt too limiting, too concrete, too real, too constricting. It felt like something he couldn’t take back. It felt too much like a diagnosis. Putting the label on him felt like putting a spotlight on him, a blaring, flashing sign that shouted that there was something different about him.

Seungmin knew he wasn’t the only one who identified as something different from what society had deemed the “norm,” not even in just Stray Kids. Felix and Jisung were both loud about their bisexuality (Jisung even being able to get away with hinting at it in his solo songs), and Minho was literally dating the latter so obviously he had some inclination towards men. Hyunjin was verbally open, and Changbin and Jeongin had both talked about their experiences with the same sex along with the opposite although neither were exactly quick to put a name to what they were. And Chan was openly curious.

(They were always quick to reject “Straight Kids” for a reason, y’know.)

But they weren’t like Seungmin. They wouldn’t understand, so Seungmin didn’t bother saying anything about it. He didn’t even really talk about being into both either, figuring that all the other members had already assumed as much.

The others probably also thought he was a prude or even just really private, but they never really said anything outright (at least to his face) so it was okay.

“Dude, it’s literally Homo 101 to not fall for your best friend! What the fuck, mate?” Felix groaned, pressing his palms into his eyes as his head fell back onto the pillow on Seungmin’s lap. “It’s so dumb!”

“I’m pretty sure he didn’t choose to have feelings for him, Lix.” Seungmin said, amused. “Also, ‘Homo 101?’”

Felix and Seungmin had started watching this random English show that Felix’s sister recommended to them, and to say that they were invested would be an understatement. Well, Felix was invested; Seungmin, honestly, was more invested in Felix’s investment. 

“Ugh, I guess so, but still.” Felix pouted, crossing his arms. “Dumbass.” He muttered in English.

They watched for a few more minutes before Felix silently lifted his head off Seungmin’s lap to reach the remote on the coffee table, pausing the show.

Seungmin hummed in confusion as Felix sat up and turned to sit next to him, criss-crossed and facing Seungmin.

“We need to talk.” Felix said.

“I’m scared.” Seungmin glanced at the door, wondering if he could outrun Felix if he decided to bolt.

Felix huffed a laugh, “It’s not a bad talk.”

“That’s not the vibe I’m getting from the start of this conversation.” He came to the conclusion that he could definitely outrun him if he had enough motivation. 

“Promise not to freak out?”

“This is not helping in the slightest.”

“I think Hyunjin has a crush on you.”

Huh?

Seungmin frowned, “I’m sorry, what?”

Felix hugged his crossed arms closer to his chest, tucking them under his ribcage like they were supporting him, holding him together, keeping him from falling apart.

“I watched- I see how- I- ugh!” Felix groaned, pulling at his hair and switching to English. “Fuck!”

“Hey, Lix, stop that!” Seungmin batted at Felix’s hands. Felix’s hair was already fried from the sheer level of bleaching he and their styling team put it through, it really didn’t need any extra tension. “You’re going to pull your hair out!”

“Hyunjin likes you; I know it!” Felix exclaimed.

“What the fuck are you on about?” Seungmin asked, baffled. “Hyunjin doesn’t like me?”

‘He likes you,’ Seungmin thought, exasperated. 

“Yes, he does!” Felix whined. “Didn’t you hear the way he talked about you!?”

“When!?”

“In your ‘2 Kids Room’ episode!”

Seungmin blinked, “What?”

Felix groaned and fell back on the couch, squishing a pillow into his face. Then, a spark lit itself in Seungmin’s chest.

He smiled, “Hey, why does it matter so much to you anyway? Hyunjin having a crush on me?”

“So, you admit he has a crush on you?” Felix lifted the pillow from his face to look at Seungmin.

“I’m pretending for the sake of conversation.”

“Ugh!” The pillow fell back onto Felix’s face. 

“But seriously,” Seungmin leaned forward, plucking the pillow from Felix and tossing it to the armchair out of the blond’s reach. “Say he did– which he doesn’t– but say he did, why do you care so much?”

“Because I- it- the group- he- I- ugh!” 

“Do you need to talk in English?”

“Fuck off.” Felix scoffed in English. 

“Go on,” Seungmin goaded, smiling. “I’m not fluent, but I’ll help you out: I’m in love with Hyunjin.”

“Wha- what do you- I’m not- what are- I’m not in love with Hyunjin!”

“Mhm, sure.” Seungmin smiled, reaching for the remote. 

“Even if I was,” Felix rushed out before Seungmin could push resume, fully sitting up now. “Which I’m not, but even if I was, it wouldn’t matter! He’s in love with you!”

“Felix, pabo, listen to me,” Seungmin grabbed Felix’s hands. “Hyunjin’s not in love with me.”

“But -”

“He’s literally the most romantic person in the world. I’ve heard him write love poetry about noodles.” Seungmin raised his eyebrows. “He talks about all of us like he’s in love with us, but he’s not.”

“But, how do you know?” Felix said, eyes wide and vulnerable. 

Because he’s only in love with you.

“Because I know he’s not.” Seungmin said. “Trust me.”

“How? How do you know?”

“Because he’s told me.”

“He’s told you!?” Felix’s eyes went wide in another way. “You’ve talked about it!?”

“Yes!” In a way. “And trust me, he doesn’t like me.”

“How do you know that!”

‘Because he likes someone else, dumbass! You!’ Seungmin wanted to scream, but he swore to Hyunjin he wouldn’t.

“You’re just going to have to trust me, Lix.” Seungmin sighed. Felix studied him for a long time before finally allowing his shoulders to relax, nodding. Seungmin smirked, getting up to get a drink from their kitchen and coming back with one for Felix as well. “Besides, it’s not like I’d ever date him.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Felix rolled his eyes. Taking a sip of cola and leaning back into the couch. “Our resident straight mem-”

“Hold the fuck up,” Seungmin shot upright from where he had relaxed into the couch. “What the fu- what?”

Felix’s brow furrowed, “What?”

“You think I’m straight?”

Felix’s mouth dropped, “You’re not?”

“Oh my god, no!” Seungmin set his drink on the coaster on the coffee table so he could cover his face, dragging his hands down his skin. “You seriously think I’m straight?”

“You’re not?” Felix exclaimed.

“No! God no! Why the fuck would you think that!?”

“You always get so quiet and uncomfortable when the rest of start talking about our experiences with men-”

“Not because they were with men!” Seungmin all but shouted. “Because they were- did you ever think that maybe I just didn’t want to hear about my best friends fucking!? I mean seriously! I thought you guys thought I was a prude, not a homophobe!”

“We don’t think you’re a homophobe!” Felix was quick to refute. “Promise! A prude… maybe? But we all knew you were at least an ally.”

“At least an ally?” He balked. “I’m fucking gay!”

“You’re gay!?”

“I just said that!”

“No, you said that you weren’t straight.” Felix said. “That’s not the same as gay. ”

“How the fuck isn’t it?”

“Because I’m not straight,” Felix raised his eyebrows, his hand to his chest. “But I’m not gay either. I’m pan-”

“You’re pan?”

Felix frowned, looking hurt. “Yeah, I’ve talked about this before. A lot actually.”

“I knew you were into guys as well; I just hadn’t realized that you had put an actual label onto it.” Seungmin said. “I’m sorry. I really do just kind of zone out when you guys start talking about… anything like that.”

“About liking people?” Felix questioned.

“About sex.”

Felix paused, his eyes boring into Seungmin’s. His gaze was just a little too close to knowing though, for Seungmin’s comfort, so Seungmin quickly moved the conversation along. 

“I can’t believe you actually thought I was straight.” Seungmin groaned, pressing his palms into his eyes like Felix had done at the beginning of this conversation. “Have you seen the sheer amount of jokes STAY make about me being the literal gayest member? They call me a twink!”

“Which is why we thought it was so funny!”

“‘We?’ As in more than just you?” Seungmin gaped in horror. “Do the rest of the guys think I’m straight too?”

Felix tucked his lips into his teeth, which told Seungmin all he needed to know. He groaned and laid down on the couch, perfectly mirroring Felix’s position from before.  

“Oh my god.” Seungmin spoke through his hands. “What the fuck?”

“I can’t believe you’re into guys,” Felix said, almost distractedly, almost in awe. “This- this fucking changes everything!”

Seungmin removed his hands and narrowed his eyes at his roommate. “What the fuck does that mean?”

Felix’s eyes widen before he puts upon his ‘innocent baby’ face (‘Innocent baby’ face was what Jeongin and Seungmin call it whenever Felix purposely makes himself look innocent or cute looking for either STAY or the hyungs). It had a 98 percent success rate. Seungmin, however, had roomed with the boy for over half a decade; he wasn’t fooled. 

“Felix-” Seungmin warned, sitting up. 

“What?”

“Yongbok, what the fuck does me not being straight have to do with anything?” Seungmin demanded. “What does it change?”

“Nothing!” Felix blinked his eyes– another tactic Seungmin has had memorized. “It just means that there really are no Straight Kids.”

“That’s absolutely not what you were just thinking.” Seungmin frowned, but he let it go. This time. “I seriously can’t believe that you thought I was straight.”

“Oh, for the love of-”

“Hey, Minnie.”

Seungmin looked up from his phone. He had been checking what was next in his schedule since he had just finished his vocal training, and Changbin was standing just beyond the door, almost like he was waiting for him.

“Hey, hyung.” Seungmin said, tucking his phone back into his pocket. He was thankfully free for the rest of the day, so now he just had to get back home and maybe bother Felix into ordering food for them if he was free as well. “What’s up?”

“You done for the day?” Changbin asked, his hands in his hoodie pocket. 

“Yes, thank fuck.” Seungmin groaned in relief, walking down the hallway with Changbin keeping step with him. “Now I just need to see if Felix is down for dinner or not.”

“I was actually going to talk to you about that.”

Seungmin was used to observing. He had gotten really good at it. Changbin was the perfect example of what their industry wanted you to see, what they were trying to project. 

Changbin was good at performing. Not just on stage, but in general. He was good at pretending. He was good at faking being happy, at being okay. He did it a lot, and not just for STAY but for his friends too. It had taken Seungmin years with Changbin to be able to see through the cracks of his armor, to read between the lines of his smile, to see the emotions he hid behind his eyes. 

Seungmin was usually quick at figuring people out. They all hid things– it was hard not to in their career path; they all had masks, characters they dawned, lies they adopted in order to protect themselves while being in the public eye, but Seungmin usually figured them out, saw through them, dissected them quick enough. Changbin was the exception. 

Maybe that’s why Seungmin had spent so much time right after their debut studying him, trying to figure him out. But, he got there. Eventually.

Now Seungmin liked to believe that he was one of the only ones who could see through Changbin’s mask, but that could be his crush talking.

Regardless, that ability to read Changbin was what made Seungmin furrow his brow and look over at Changbin, who had this weird, unfamiliar nervous energy about him. Seungmin was so unaccustomed to the expression on Changbin that his steps slowed to a stop.

“About dinner?”

“Yeah, you wanna go get some?” Changbin asked.

“With you?”

That got a laugh out of Changbin, relieving him of some of the nerves his body still seemed to hold. “I’m asking, aren’t I? Pabo.”

“Why are you being so weird about it?” Seungmin tilted his head to the side. “Sure, we can get dinner. Hyung’s paying, right?”

“Of course.” Changbin scoffed humorously. “When have you ever paid for food when you’re with me?”

“Aw, hyung’s so generous!” Seungmin mockingly cooed, leaning into the elder’s space as they continued walking to the exit.

“Hyung’s generosity is going to run out if you annoy him enough.”

“Nah,” Seungmin grinned. “He likes me too much.”

Seungmin didn’t mean it like how he wanted to mean it, but it came across the right way anyway. It came across as a joke, a jest, a tease. Something that wasn’t anything more than a throwaway comment. Something that could be played off. 

Seungmin wished he meant it a different way, but that wasn’t the life he was living in.

Changbin rolled his eyes but didn’t refute Seungmin; instead, he just nudged Seungmin’s shoulder with his own, smiling– not a speck of anxiousness in sight. 

Seungmin wasn’t a loud person, not in the way that his fellow members were. He wasn’t quiet– he could be just as loud and annoying as others when he felt like it– but he was selective with his words. Part of this was out of comfort, he preferred the outside, he was sure; he liked being separate from it all and witnessing it from the sidelines. Part of it was so that his words mattered more when he did choose to use them.

“You’re being weird.” Seungmin said, taking a bite of rice.

Changbin glanced up from his food, eyes flicking away before flicking back again. “What do you mean?”

“That,” Seungmin nodded at him. “Why are you being so fidgety?”

The side of Changbin’s mouth lifted in a grin. “Fidgety?”

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Why are you so nervous? I know that we’re at a different place than usual, but no one’s going to recognize us. We’ll be fine.”

“That’s not why I’m nervous.” Changbin whispered conspicuously, leaning over the table like he was sharing a secret. Seungmin leaned forward to mirror him out of habit. 

“Then what’s with the nerves?” Seungmin asked, whispering because Changbin was as well. “You’re acting like a teenager on a first date or something.”

Changbin bit his lip, and that wasn’t the expression Seungmin was expecting. His brow furrowed and he leaned back.

“What’s with that reaction?” Seungmin frowned.

“So, Felix texted me last week,” Changbin started, moving off the table. 

Seungmin’s brow furrowed more. “...okay? And? Lixie texts a lot; what did he say this time that was so important it’s making you nervous?”

“He had informed me that you’re not as straight as I was led to believe.”

Seungmin froze in horror before he realized he had no reason to feel that way and forced himself to physically relax. When Felix had asked (after they finished their episode, duh) Seungmin if he could tell the rest of the guys about Seungmin’s sexuality, Seungmin hadn’t thought too much of it. He hadn’t wanted it to be a big deal, which Felix respected and understood, but he wanted them to be at least aware that their original assumptions about him were off base. So, Felix and he decided that if someone asked or if the topic arose naturally then to tell them, but they wouldn’t broach the topic themselves.

Apparently it was brought up with Changbin. Seungmin couldn’t think whatever for. 

“And this is making you nervous because…?” Seungmin tilted his head to the side. Changbin rubbed the back of his neck– the most obvious telltale sign of his anxiety. “What’s going on, hyung?”

“Well, uhm,” Changbin bit his lip, wincing. “You and I do this… thing for STAY a lot, and-”

Seungmin gasped. Shit.

It all dawned on him at once: Seungmin had been hiding his crush on Changbin by playing it up and pretending it was all for the fans. Seungmin had always distantly wondered why Changbin had never brought it up, but it made sense! He thought Seungmin was straight! Someone being obsessed with you was way more incriminating and had way more room for discomfort when said someone could also be attracted to you.

“Oh my god, hyung, I’m so sorry!” Seungmin exclaimed, covering his face with his hands.

“No, Seung-”

“I didn’t even think how that would appear with me being gay-”

“It’s not that-”

“I mean, I didn’t even know that you guys thought that I was straight but still!”

“Minnie-”

“I thought I was extremely obvious but-”

“Seungmin!”

Seungmin’s mouth clicked shut, looking at Changbin with wide, apologetic eyes.

“Jesus, Min. I’m not uncomfortable with you or mad at you or whatever because you didn’t tell me that you’re into men.” Changbin promised, reaching across the table to grab Seungmin’s hand. 

“Are you sure?” Seungmin asked, hating how little his voice sounded. “I can imagine how me being gay affects the whole ‘being obsessed with you for STAY’ thing.”

“So, it’s just for STAY?”

Seungmin frowned, heart beating far too quickly in his chest. He didn’t like that reaction. “What do you mean?”

“This whole crush thing-” Seungmin’s breath hitched, but Changbin didn’t even notice and kept going. “-is it just fanservice? Just for STAY? You don’t have a crush on me?”

Panic seized Seungmin’s chest.

“Who else would it be for?” Seungmin forced out, sounding normal (albeit a little breathless) and purposely ignoring the final question.

Changbin’s eyes jumped between Seungmin’s, looking so intently at him that Seungmin thought he’d soon be able to actually see through them into his brain and be able to read all of the thoughts surrounding him that Seungmin hid there.

“Okay,” Changbin said, a little disappointed for whatever reason. “Then I’ve got to confess something.”

Seungmin frowned, “Do you want me to stop?”

“No!” Changbin exclaimed before remembering himself. Looking around to make sure his outburst didn’t cause a disturbance, he cleared his throat. “Only if you want to. It’s just… I think you should be aware that I… fuck, I’m not good at this.”

“Hyung, what is it?”

“Min, I- uhm- I do.”

Seungmin blinked, confused. He tilted his head to the side. “You do? You do what?”

“You might not, but I do.”

“You do want me to stop?”

“No, fuck.” Changbin set his forehead on the cold table in between them. “I thought this would go so much better. Fuck, Felix had so much faith in us.”

“Hyung, what the fuck is going on?”

Changbin looked up, and Seungmin couldn’t help but think that he had never seen those dark eyes look so honest and vulnerable. It set Seungmin’s nerves on fire. 

“I do, Minnie.” He repeated. “You might not like me– this might be all for fanservice for you– but it’s not for me cause I like you.”

Seungmin froze, “You what?”

“I like you, Minnie.” Changbin confessed, words more confident the more he said them. “So, I just needed you to know in case that changes anything. I’m sure publicly gushing over a guy who actually wants you can be a bit weird-”

“Shut up.” Seungmin blurted, not sure where the words came from. He certainly hadn’t meant to say them; he was panicking. His head was reeling. Changbin liked him. Changbin liked him back. Holy shit. All other concerns Seungmin had flew out the window. “Let’s go.”

Seungmin stood with start. They had already paid for their food at the beginning, so he didn’t have to worry about dining and dashing as he pulled up his mask and put his coat on as he rushed out the restaurant. 

“Min!” Changbin rushed to follow him, falling into step behind him as Seungmin sped walked back to his apartment building– the closer one of the two. “Minnie, what’s going on?”

“Shut up.” Seungmin pushed open his door and walked in, kicking off his shoes and going into the living room to pace. Changbin followed him, and as soon as he was in the room, Seungmin whirled on him. “What the fuck!? You like me!?”

Changbin bristled. “Yeah, bu-”

“For how long!?”

“A few years.”

“A few years!?” Seungmin exclaimed. He blinked heavily before his gaze hardened. There was no way. “Bullshit!”

Changbin reeled back, “Excuse me?”

“Bullshit!” Seungmin repeated, something panicked and angry swirling in his chest. This wasn’t funny. “There’s no fucking way you’ve liked me for years. Come on, Changbin, don’t be mean!”

“How am I being mean!?” Changbin shouted back, finally moving on from feigning cluelessness and getting worked up like Seungmin. It was hard to get Changbin truly angry. He was temporarily annoyed frequently, but almost never angry. Funnily enough, for how quickly aggravated he’d get about small things, he was one of the most patient people Seungmin had ever met. It was difficult to get him past the point into genuine anger. Unfortunately, one of the many– too many– things that Seungmin knew about him was just how to get him there. “And how is that bullshit, Seungmin? What the fuck would you know anyway!?”

“I know that you don’t fucking like me!” Seungmin said, storming close to the older boy. 

“What-”

Seungmin didn’t let him finish, hand clutching Changbin’s shirt without a thought. “You can’t like me! I would’ve- you can’t! So stop being mean!”

“What’s stopping me from fucking liking you!?” Changbin shot back, moving even closer. Seungmin faltered. “Go on then! Come on, tell me! What makes the idea of me liking you so impossible for you to grasp!?”

“You don’t show it.” Seungmin hissed. The anger in his chest had simmered below yelling while being so close to Changbin.

“I don’t show it?!” Changbin scoffed. “What the fuck does that mean? How do I not show it?”

“You’ve never shown any indication of liking me before now, so what-”

“How’s this?” Changbin challenged, before pulling Seungmin down by the back of his neck and capturing him in a fierce kiss.

Seungmin’s brain hardly processed it before he was kissing back. It was intense, much more than Seungmin thought Changbin was capable of. In all of his daydreaming about the older man, he had imagined him to be as kind and gentle in his relationships as he was in his friendships (other than a few guilty dreams Seungmin had where Changbin put him in his place after mouthing off too much). This was nothing like that.

Changbin pushed forward, trapping Seungmin against the wall beside Felix’s door, his hand still on Seungmin’s nape. 

Only when Changbin pulled away– leaving Seungmin heaving and leaning heavily against the drywall for support– did it process to Seungmin what they just did.

“I like you, Minnie.” Changbin whispered, eyes and words soft– a major juxtaposition to the passion in which he was just kissing Seungmin with. He looked so honest. Changbin had never been able to lie, not really; that had always been more of a Seungmin thing. “I have for a long time. I just didn’t say anything because I thought you were straight, and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“You still think I’m straight?” Seungmin asked, teasing a little– because that’s what he did when he was nervous.

Changbin grinned and leaned in to chastely peck Seungmin’s lips. “Nah, you’re too cute.”

Seungmin wrinkled his nose.

“Do- I mean I assumed- cause we just- but- do you-”

Seungmin cut him off with a kiss. “I like you too, hyung. More than I should, probably.”

“Good,” Changbin smiled wider. “Because I love you more than I should too.”

“Why did you think I was lying?” Changbin asked after. They kissed against the wall just a little bit more before Changbin’s stomach growled– he hadn’t been able to finish his meal– and they made ramyeon. They ate on the couch, and as soon as it was gone, they curled against each other with some K-Drama Felix was in the middle of playing on low-volume on the tv. “When I said that I liked you?”

Seungmin was so glad that his position on Changbin’s chest stopped the older boy from being able to see his face.

“It’s just,” Seungmin frowned, trying to think of the best way to word this so it didn’t sound self-deprecating. Was it self-deprecating? Yes, but he knew Changbin would refute anything negative he had to say about himself so it wouldn’t be worth it. “I’ve liked you for so long, hyung, and when you’ve had a crush on someone for as long as I’ve had… it becomes kind of numb, I guess? Like, it’s pointless. To hope for the situation to change. You just kind of get used to it.”

Seungmin didn’t need to see Changbin to know he was frowning; his arms tightening around Seungmin was all he needed.

“How long have you liked me?”

“Since pre-debut, though it was way more of a puppy crush back then.”

“Puppy crush you say?” Changbin smirked.

“Shut up, you know what I mean.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. “You just seemed so cool and untouchable– this older, talented, dark rapper. You were so intimidating back then; it was hard not to admire you.”

“Aww, puppy. You admire me?” Changbin squeezed Seungmin tighter– his voice jumping up two octaves as he swayed Seungmin around in his hold. 

“Did you not hear me? I said ‘used to’; not anymore.” Seungmin sassed, though his face burned red. “I know you’re a massive dork now, pabo.”

“But, you still like me.” Changbin sing-songed.

Seungmin just rolled his eyes and sunk further into Changbin’s embrace.

“I’ve always admired you too, Min, though you already knew that.” Changbin said. “I don’t think those feelings turned beyond platonic until maybe Maxident preparation?”

“Maxident!?” Seungmin shot up to look down at the other boy. “That’s so long ago!”

“Yah! You’ve liked me for twice as long!”

“But, I’ve always been the silent type about this kind of thing– hell, you didn’t even know my sexuality until a week ago!” Seungmin countered. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

“I just told you!” Changbin said. “I thought you were straight! And I didn’t want to risk making you uncomfortable, so I didn’t say anything. I thought it’d go away, but then you… you’re so you. It didn’t go away; it just got stronger. The boys have been hounding me for ages just to confess so I’d at least get some clos-”

“Wait, the boys?” Seungmin tilted his head to the side. “Which boys?”

“Felix, Jisung, Chan-hyung, and Hyunjin. I think Minho-hyung knows, but I’ve never told him. And I think Jeongin knows, but it’s not confirmed either.”

“What the fuck?” Seungmin fully sat up. “Basically everyone knew that you liked me except me?”

Changbin followed him so that they were both upright. “You never told anyone?”

“No, In-ah knows– trust me. He’s been bullying me about it for years.” Seungmin groaned into his hands. Fuck, Jeongin was never going to let this go; Seungmin was going to be hearing ‘I told you so’s for the rest of his life. 

“Bullying?” Changbin’s brow furrowed as he frowned.

“Mainly about how nothing bad could come from asking you out.” Seungmin suddenly wished he had a cup of coffee or something to occupy his hands with instead of just staring at them and wringing them like he was. “He was so sure that you liked me back and that even if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been mean about it.”

“He’s right, you know.” Changbin said, kissing the top of Seungmin’s hair when Seungmin didn’t look up from his hands. “But I can’t imagine a world where I don’t fall for you. That might just be impossible.”

Seungmin looked at the boy at his side. Truly looked at him. His face was kind and honest, and Seungmin should trust him, trust his words. He should. But… 

What was going to happen when Changbin wanted what Seungmin couldn’t give? Would he still think not liking Seungmin was impossible then? Would he leave?

“Hey, puppy.” Changbin cupped Seungmin’s jaw, running his thumb up and down his cheek. “I can see the gears turning in your head. What’s going on in there, hm?”

“Nothing.” Seungmin lied, smiling softly. “I can’t think of a world where I don’t like you either.”

“Aww,” Changbin cooed, kissing Seungmin’s nose. “You like me.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

Changbin laughed.

Changbin was a very tactile person by nature– only coming second to Felix in the ‘initiating skinship’ department– and that only multiplied tenfold after he and Seungmin confessed their feelings, which Seungmin hadn’t thought possible.

Seungmin and Changbin were already kind of known for clinging to each other– maybe not to the extent of a chopstick analogy like Jisung and Minho– but enough for STAY to notice and comment on it frequently. And it’s only gotten worse (or better if you asked Seungmin).

As a part of Seungmin disguising his very real feelings as fanservice, Seungmin would gravitate towards Changbin often in videos, on stage, or just in general (“Seungbin in airports” was a very famous tag specifically, but that was less for fanservice and more for comfort since airports stressed almost all of the Stray Kids out), but not it felt as if Changbin was doing it just as much. Not only that, but Changbin paid more attention to Seungmin.

“I always pay you a lot of attention though.” Changbin said when Seungmin had brought it up. They were shooting a SKZ-talker, but Felix (the current mc for the vlog) was keeping the camera away from Seungmin and Changbin so they could have a few minutes to themselves (he was the first person updated on them and he squealed with more excitement than he showed his K-Dramas). 

“Yeah, but you’re more obvious about it now.” Seungmin shrugged, comfortably snuggled into Changbin’s side on the couch. 

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.” 

Changbin just grinned and ruffled Seungmin’s hair, which the younger immediately complained about to the style-noonas. They just looked at Changbin with playful, chastising looks though, so Seungmin went to Felix (aka the camera) to ‘beg’ sympathy from STAY.

“Changbin-hyung messed up my hair.” Seungmin whined to the camera. “STAY, yell at him.”

Felix laughed, “I’m sure he’ll get in trouble, Min, don’t worry.”

Seungmin just pouted until Felix clicked off the camera. “The style-noonas are going to have to fix it.”

“I think it’ll be fine.” Felix said, patting Seungmin’s shoulder with a smile. “Besides, it’s not like you’re really upset about your boyfriend paying you some extra attention.”

Seungmin huffed a laugh and made his way back to the mirrors where one of said style-noonas was waiting for him, trying to ignore the mess of nerves in his chest.

Here was another thing: Seungmin and Changbin hadn’t exactly defined the relationship yet. Sure, they confessed liking each other and they kissed a lot and they went out to dinner and snuggled after and acted like they were together but… they had yet to say those words and it was driving Seungmin up the wall.

Sure, they acted like they were dating and Changbin frequently brought up how much he liked Seungmin, but that really didn’t mean anything to Seungmin if the actual words had not yet been said. Because then it wasn’t actually confirmed. Seungmin didn’t know. They could be a fucking situationship for all Seungmin knew.

Oh god.

What if this was a situationship?

“Drink.”

Seungmin looked up and saw Minho leaning on the vanity table right in front of him with a blank yet unimpressed look on his face. He was holding a water bottle an inch from Seungmin’s nose. Seungmin frowned and backed up, realizing that the styling-noona had already fixed his hair and left.

“Hyung?”

“You looked constipated.” Minho said. Lucky for Seungmin, he was semi-fluent in Minho-language which meant he knew ‘you look constipated’ translated to ‘you were stuck in your head and overthinking and I wanted to help you out.’

“Thanks, hyung.” Seungmin rolled his eyes. 

Minho tilted his head to the side, analyzing. Minho wasn’t the type to outright ask what was wrong, and Seungmin wasn’t the type to outright say what was bothering him. It was one of the ways they coincided, and why Seungmin thought they understood each other so well.

So Minho just studied him, as if he’d see what was causing Seungmin to overthink by just looking at him, and Seungmin let him be studied. It was rare that Seungmin let himself be observed in the way that he tended to observe others– rare even more so depending on the person he was letting observe him. Minho was one of the very few.

“Trouble in paradise?” Minho asked, voice lower than before. One thing Seungmin appreciated about his hyung was, despite the sheer volume he could attain, he also knew when discretion was necessary.

One important thing about observing– a rather important part if you wanted to do it right and stay on the observing side rather than the observed– was knowing when to let yourself be seen, and although Minho was one of the Seungmin let his walls down a bit, he didn’t know if he was the right one for this conversation. Afterall, Minho had been in a stable relationship with Jisung since debut basically. They had gotten together by Jisung blurting out his feelings for Minho (he had a whole song prepared but panicked), and Minho– in his weird way– finding it endearing. They had never had a moment together where they questioned what they were.

But… unfortunately, Seungmin needed advice, and Minho was the most discreet and direct option there was. Unfortunately.

Fuck, that’s annoying.

“Maybe?” Seungmin wanted to groan but didn’t want to attract the attention of any of the staff (or worse: other members). Minho made an inquisitive noise. “What if we’re not in paradise? Like, what if we never discussed whether or not we were in paradise.”

“Ah,” Minho nodded. “You and Changbin haven’t defined the relationship yet, have you? And it’s driving you insane, the overly detail-oriented snob you are.”

“We couldn’t just have this conversation without insulting me, could you?”

“It’s not in my nature, no.” Minho smirked quickly before letting it fall. “Am I close though? Heading in the right direction?”

“Bullseye more like.”

Minho hummed, “And I’m assuming you haven’t talked about it with him?”

Seungmin gave him a flat look.

“Of course not.” Minho sighed. “You already know what I’m going to tell you, don’t you?”

Seungmin crossed his arms and huffed, “Yes.”

“It’s the obvious answer.”

“I’d hoped you’d be more creative, I guess.”

“Nah, relationships don’t need creativity in the communications department.” Minho hopped of his little semi-perch on the counter and patted Seungmin on the shoulder as he walked away. “Save the creative energy for the bedroom.”

A weight fell into Seungmin’s gut. Of course. The bedroom. Another issue. Another problem. Another thing Seungmin had yet to talk to Changbin about. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Seungmin didn’t like the parts of this thing between him and Changbin that he couldn’t get himself to talk about. There was so much unsaid, that he refused to bring up, because he didn’t want to ruin it. There were a million little words that died on Seungmin’s tongue before they could ever pass his teeth: the fact that they had yet to define what they were or doing, how they were going to handle it or go forward, Seungmin’s inability to… perform what Changbin would want soon.

He liked these parts though. The parts with no talking. The parts where they were just sharing convenience store food after midnight in the 3RACHA studio. The parts where they were drawn together whenever Stray Kids were moving between schedules. The parts where Seungmin let Changbin fall asleep on him, thrilled at the knowledge that the elder found his presence safe and comfortable enough to do so. The parts where they shared quick, private kisses away from cameras or other people before going back to work. The parts where they shared more than quick and private kisses.

Parts like this.

Seungmin and Changbin were making out on the living room couch in the elder’s apartment, not a care in the world except for where their hands touched the other. 

Seungmin didn’t know if Changbin noticed that they always did this– things a little more heated, things less fleeting, things more… relationship-like– at his and Hyunjin’s place. It was all very intentional on Seungmin’s part (what wasn’t at this point?) because if things went a little… too far, too heated, too much for him, it was easier to excuse himself and leave than to ask Changbin to leave.

Plus, Hyunjin was home more often than Felix was– perks of having an introvert for a roommate– which helped Seungmin because Changbin would never dare initiate anything more than kissing while Hyunjin was in the next room.

They had put on a movie, but neither of them were really invested in the plot. Also intentional. Because now Seungmin was laying down along the couch with the man he’d had a crush on for the better part of a decade on top of him, kissing him like he was the most desirable thing in the world.

Seungmin tried not to let it go to his head. 

Changbin’s hands were on his waist and right below his jaw, cupping his face like he was something precious as he angled him to kiss him better. Seungmin’s hands had been travelling, trying to map out the elder’s muscles, but settled comfortably with his arms lazily around his neck in an almost hug-like manner.

Seungmin liked this part. He liked it a lot.

He admittedly didn’t have a lot of experience in the kissing department since most people only viewed kissing as a predecessor for… sex. Changbin was different though. He seemed to enjoy it as much as Seungmin did.

It was fun. It was really fun. Until a sharp pain shot up his left ankle, causing him to gasp out in pain. Changbin immediately pulled away.

“Whoa, what’s wrong?” Changbin asked, carefully climbing off of Seungmin and kneeling beside him on the floor. “Min, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Seungmin lied, trying to brush it off so they could get back to kissing. He tugged on Changbin’s hand. “Come back.”

“No, no. Puppy, you clearly just made a pained sound. What’s hurting?” Changbin looked up and down Seungmin’s body. He wouldn’t find anything, Seungmin knew; he had already checked. 

That was another thing that Seungmin had yet to talk about– not just with Changbin but with everyone. His ankle had been bothering him for a month or so (maybe almost three) now. There wasn’t any specific moment Seungmin could look back on and pinpoint as being the cause. He just knew that it’d been bothering him for awhile and was steadily getting worse. 

“Nothing.” Seungmin said. Changbin gave him a flat look, and Seungmin sighed, realizing he had no chance of convincing Changbin that nothing was wrong. Changbin’s concern and kind consideration was one of the things that Seungmin actually really liked about him, but right now, it was annoying. He sat up with a huff, ignoring the tinge in his foot that the action caused.

The pain wasn’t continuous or consistent, which made it harder for Seungmin to diagnose the problem. He knew he strained it more when he put weight on it for longer periods or when he put too much pressure on it (like during long dance practices or stages) but it was almost like a sore muscle. It was painful sometimes and muted or dull at others. 

“No, something has been bothering you for a while, puppy. Don’t think I didn’t notice.” Changbin said, climbing back onto the couch to sit next to Seungmin now that his body wasn’t taking up the entirety of it, and Seungmin froze at the words. Because what specifically was Changbin talking about? The ankle pain? His stress at their lack of a label? His anxiety around the newness of whatever they were, of everything they were doing? There was so much that was bothering Seungmin, so much he was keeping from the boy beside him. “Whatever it is is why Minho told me to get my head out of my ass and talk to you.”

Seungmin scowled. “I’m going to kill him.”

“Or– hear me out– you could talk to me instead of hyung about our relationship problems.”

“So, that’s what we are?” Seungmin said before he could stop himself. Fuck. Changbin looked at him, confused. “We’re in a relationship?”

Changbin frowned, eyebrows pinched together. “Are we not? I thought we were.”

Seungmin groaned into his hands, embarrassed. Minho was right; Seungmin and Changbin just needed to talk to each other. God, this was the worst.

“You haven’t-” Seungmin spoke, his words barely making it past his hands. “You haven’t said that we’re dating.”

“I-” Changbin went silent, and when Seungmin peeked through his hands, he saw him staring off in space with his face scrunched in concentration before his eyes widened in shock. “Holy shit, had I not?”

Seungmin minutely shook his head. Changbin moved closer and grabbed Seungmin’s hands, pulling them away from his face so he could hold them. 

“I’m so sorry, baby.” Changbin said, ignoring (or not noticing) the way Seungmin’s mouth fell open at the term of endearment. “I’ve been calling you my boyfriend to the guys, but I should’ve actually talked to you about it specifically. I know how you are with details and specifications.”

It was a really nice apology– exactly what Seungmin needed to hear, really. Unfortunately, Seungmin’s dog brain focused only on one part. 

“Baby?”

Changbin smiled– half nervous and half sly. “Is that okay?”

Seungmin rushed forward to kiss him, even as Changbin laughed into his lips.

Four pills because the prescribed one wasn’t affecting him like it should anymore.

The pain in Seungmin’s ankle was really bad today, but that was mainly because their originally three hour long dance practice had slowly turned into a five hour long dance practice and the dull, absent soreness in his ankle had turned into a searing hot burning ache anytime Seungmin even dared to put the slightest bit of weight onto it. 

Seungmin was currently hiding out in one of the bathrooms near their dance studio, taking advantage of the guise of “using the bathroom” in order to sit down and rest his foot. 

The door opened. 

“Meong-Meong?”

Shit. Minho.

“Yes, hyung?”

“You’ve been in the bathroom for seven minutes.” Minho said, leaning right beside the door of the stall. Seungmin studied Minho’s shoes, procrastinating until the time he’d eventually have to stand. “Water break was only five.”

“I’m taking a shit.”

“You’re taking the piss is what you are.” Minho sassed. Seungmin was never going to forgive Felix and Chan for teaching them English expressions. “Don’t lie to me, Seungmo. Come out of that stall and show me how bad your foot actually is.”

Shit. Shit.

Seungmin walked out of the stall. “What do you mean? My foot’s fine.” 

Not exactly a lie, he supposed. It wasn’t like it was bleeding or chopped off.

Minho gave him an unimpressed look. “Mhm, sure. Stand on one leg for me.”

“What is this? A sobriety test?”

“If that’s what you want to call it, sure. One leg. Now.”

“You want me to say the alphabet backwards too?”

“If you so desire.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes and lifted his left foot. He held out his hands. “This good for you?”

“Stupendous. Now, the other one.”

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Seungmin switched feet hesitantly, his leg nearly crumbling under him. Pain shot up Seungmin’s entire leg like acid. Tears brimmed behind his eyes, but he pushed them back. 

“Okay?” Seungmin asked, aiming for biting but coming across as strained.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“About as okay as that ankle of yours. You’re benched for the rest of practice.” Minho said. He walked away.

“Minho!” Seungmin followed him, ignoring the pain. “You can’t just-”

“Wanna bet?” Minho said, not stopping as they travelled down the hallway to the studio. “And that’s hyung to you.”

“Hyung-”

“Channie!” Minho shouted as soon as he opened the door. Seungmin winced at everyone’s eyes turning to them as they made their way inside, especially a very familiar pair that immediately turned concerned when they landed on Seungmin. “Meong-Meong is sitting out the rest of practice, okay?” 

“Hyung, that’s not necessary.” Seungmin argued. “Minho-hyung’s being dramatic.”

Chan’s brow furrowed as he turned to Seungmin, visibly assessing him as if he’d ever challenge Minho. “Okay, Seungmin, sit down. You’ll still watch, okay?”

Seungmin resisted the urge to stomp his feet and huff like a little kid– he had outgrown all that years ago and he had never been that kind of child either. Instead, he just bowed his head and sat down on the bench, not showing the pure relief of being off his ankle. 

“Puppy.”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Seungmin turned to see his boyfriend, who had moved to sit right beside him. Changbin’s face was the picture of concern, and Seungmin hated to see it. 

“What’s going on?” Changbin asked, holding Seungmin’s hand and running his thumb over his knuckles in the way he knew Seungmin liked. “Are you hurt?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Seungmin didn’t like lying to Changbin, he really didn’t, but admitting that his ankle was bothering him would be admitting to his ankle hurting for months and lying about that.

“My ankle is bugging me a bit.” Seungmin confessed, quiet enough that only Changbin would hear him and Minho wouldn’t get the satisfaction of Seungmin admitting he’s right. “I’m fine though.”

Changbin studied him, “You promise?”

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

Seungmin minutely shook his head, and watched Changbin’s heart break through his eyes alone.

“I’ll take you to the doctor tonight.” Changbin promised, squeezing Seungmin’s hand. Seungmin squeezed his eyes shut to hide any potential tearing up and nodded his thanks.

“This is fucking stupid.” 

“You’re lucky it’s not a full hiatus.” Chan said, laying a hand on Seungmin’s shoulder in what would’ve been a comforting manner had Seungmin been wanting comfort or skinship at that moment. He did not.

Chan– as group leader– accompanied Seungmin in his meeting with the managers about how they were going to deal with his stress fracture going forward– even though Seungmin wasn’t a child and definitely did not need someone to accompany him in meetings with management. Sure, he was thankful for Chan being there, but Chan was an overprotective hyung (read: father) and Seungmin felt like this new solution and course of action was far too babying. He had been doing fine before Minho called him out. 

“I’m not allowed to participate,” Seungmin scoffed.

“In some things.” Chan conceded. “You’re still going to be singing and present for most things, just not all.”

Seungmin crossed his arms.

“You’re acting like a child, Seungmin-ah.”

“I’m acting like a twenty-five year old who is justifiably upset about his current situation.” Seungmin said. “Now, since I’m excused for the rest of my activities for today, I’m going back home.”

“Seungmin-ah.”

“What, hyung?”

“Do you want me to excuse Changbin or Jeongin for the rest of the day too?”

The anger and fight left Seungmin, sinking down his body into the floor and dissipating there.

“Thank you, hyung, but let them work.” Seungmin said. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Okay, Seungmin-ah.”

Jeongin ended up showing up anyway (“the rest of my schedule for the day was vocal Racha stuff anyway,” which Seungmin knew was a lie, but he actually did want his best friend there) and with food. They crashed on Seungmin’s couch and ate without speaking.

“So,” Jeongin said after inhaling his entire burger. “On a scale from one to ten, how do you feel about this whole partial, pseudo hiatus thing?”

“What’s ten?”

“Two seconds away from storming JYP and cussing them out.”

“You can’t make ten so dramatic.”

“Why not?”

“Because then I’d only be, like, a four, and that doesn’t feel nearly accurate enough.”

“Make your own scale then.”

Seungmin rolled his eyes. “I’m upset, but more frustrated than angry, I think. I’m more upset that it feels like my fault. I want someone else to blame.”

“That makes sense.” Jeongin shrugged. “Do you want to talk about it more or move on?”

That’s why Seungmin loved his friendship with Jeongin so much: their communication. The way they talked– although considered too blunt by other people– made sense to them. Neither of them were offended easily but they were both really blunt, sardonic, and sarcastic at times, and this way of conversing helped avoid miscommunication or anything similar. 

“Move on.”

“Okay.” Jeongin nodded. “So, you’ve been seeing Changbin-hyung for a month now-”

Seungmin groaned. “No. New conversation.”

“Nah, we’re talking about this one.” Jeongin kicked Seungmin’s leg as he moved to sit across the sofa. “When are you going to tell him?”

“Ooh ooh! What about never?”

“I don’t think you could avoid this kind of conversation.” Jeongin said, stealing some of Seungmin’s fries. “This kind of thing usually comes up pretty quickly. Like, you’ve been dating for a month now. You’ve postponed it with the whole hurt-ankle thing but I think it’ll be coming up within the next few weeks.”

Seungmin’s words from his conversation with Jeongin just a few months ago ring in his head:

“Every guy wants that.”

“You don’t.”

Changbin will.

Changbin was a nice guy, Seungmin knew that. Maybe…

“I’ll cross that river when I get to it.”

“That’s a bad idea.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“So, we have a week until we announce ‘THIS & THAT,’” Changbin said, kissing up Seungmin’s neck in the way he knew made the younger squirm. “Which means we get a whole week for a break.”

“Mhm.” Seungmin hummed, not trusting his voice when Changbin started focusing on the spot right below his ear– the spot he knew Seungmin was very sensitive at.

They were making out on the couch again (Changbin’s of course), while Hyunjin was out getting some things before visiting his parents for a few days. Once again there was a movie on the screen, but neither of them, once again, were paying it any attention.

“And now that your ankle isn’t hurting too badly, I thought we could have some fun?” Changbin asked, pulling away so they were face to face. 

Seungmin froze, but he quickly (hopefully) stifled it. “Fun? What kind?”

“Well, I know you want to visit your sister at some point and eomma is begging me to come home for at least a night or so, but I was wanting to gauge how you felt about me, maybe, reserving a private, fancy dinner?”

Seungmin relaxed slightly, “Fancy dinner? How fancy?”

“Suit and tie.”

“That feels like a bit much.” Seungmin teased, pecking Changbin’s lips. “Plus, what if STAY see us?”

“Private, fancy dinner, remember?” Changbin said. “We’ll be super careful.”

“If you’re sure… ah, Changbin!”

Changbin smirked from his spot below Seungmin’s ear.

Changbin continued to kiss down Seungmin’s neck as the hand that wasn’t supporting his weight trailed down Seungmin’s side before trailing up under his shirt. This wasn’t anything new though. With Changbin’s love for physical contact and Seungmin’s love for his boyfriend’s muscles, neither of them really avoided straying under the shirt.

But then Changbin’s thigh slotted between Seungmin’s, applying light pressure on Seungmin’s crotch, and suddenly, it became hard to breathe for another reason.

Panic ceased through Seungmin so violently that it felt more accurate to call it terror. But it shouldn’t have been terror. In fact, it shouldn’t have even been “panic.” Because what normal person panicked about having the guy they loved and wanted initiate something like this? What normal person panicked at the mere idea of having sex? Especially with the person you’ve liked for the literal better half of a decade.

But Seungmin’s blood ran cold, his heart hammered in his chest, tears sprang to his eyes, ready to fall. 

“Is this okay?” Changbin asked softly, looking up at Seungmin.

No. No, this is not okay! No. No. No. Please stop. I don’t want this.

Seungmin should’ve shook his head. He didn’t want this. This wasn’t okay. He was so far from being ‘okay’ about this, but his words were stuck in his throat.

Changbin wanted this. Clearly.

“Every guy wants that.”

“It’s going to come up sooner or later.”

Changbin wanted this, and Seungmin wanted Changbin. What if… could he do it for Changbin?

It’s been a long time since the last time Seungmin tried afterall. What if he grew out of that childish distaste? What if it was just the person? Seungmin hadn’t really cared about those guys in school, not even half as much as he liked Changbin. What if it was different with him? What if he made it enjoyable? What if…

Maybe…

“Uhm-”

The front door opened with an electronic beep from the keypad, and Changbin immediately crawled off of Seungmin, moving to the side so that they were laying next to each other on the couch instead of on each other. 

Seungmin’s body sang with relief.

“Hey!” Hyunjin called, shuffling around in the entree out of sight. “Clothes back on please!”

Changbin let out an unamused chuckle, and Seungmin felt his heart shrivel smaller inside of his chest.

“We’re decent!” Changbin called.

“Thank god.” Hyunjin sighed, entering the room like the drama queen he was, collapsing in the leather armchair Seungmin refused to touch. “I’m too tired to see you with your hands in each other’s pants.”

Seungmin couldn’t even stop the way his face scrunched in disgust, hopefully playing it off as a joke. Hyunjin laughed anyway.

“I thought you were going to be gone for a few more hours.” Changbin said, wrapping his arm around Seungmin’s waist. Comfortable. Familiar. Not… this was good. This was better.

“My location got leaked.” Hyunjin sighed. “It’s fine. I don’t think I need to buy anything else. Hopefully. My eomma might have it all.”

“That’s good.” Seungmin nodded, sitting up and climbing out of Changbin’s embrace despite his boyfriend’s noise of complaint. “Okay, I think I’m going to head back to my dorm.”

“You don’t have to go just because I’m here, Seungmo.” Hyunjin said, looking guilty. “I can go to my room.”

“Yeah, baby. Come on, you were going to stay for a few more hours, yeah?” Changbin asked, holding Seungmin’s wrist and looking at him pleadingly. Unfortunately, his touch both felt like fire and ice at the moment, both safe and acidic.

“I’m not really in the mood to hang around anymore, hyung.” Seungmin said, speaking around what he wanted to say. Changbin’s eyes widened in understanding; only, he didn’t realize that he had come to the wrong conclusion. He didn’t understand Seungmin at that moment at all actually. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, baby.” Changbin said, standing up so he could kiss Seungmin. The reminder of what they almost just did clung to Changbin’s lips, and it made Seungmin want to puke. “I’ll see you when you come back from your parents.”

“See you.” Seungmin said. “Bye, Hyunjin.”

“Bye, Minnie. See ya.”

Seungmin left the room, and only once he was safe behind the door of his own apartment in his own room did he let the breath that had gotten stuck in his throat come out, breaking his voice like a sob. Tears sprung from his eyes.

He shouldn’t be reacting like this. Not to what had just happened.

God, why couldn’t he just be normal?

There’s a certain breed of nerves that come with being a performer. Familiarity and practice make it better– relieve some anxiety– but they don’t make it cease completely. Nothing really gets rid of performance nerves entirely. They’re always there, no matter how muted the years have made them.

Seungmin liked to consider his nerves as relatively low on the anxiety scale. They were nowhere near as high as Jisung’s– who acted like he’d die the moment he’d step on stage, only to transform completely in front of an audience– but he still felt them, even if he considered himself one of the calmest of the group. 

He hadn’t really experienced anxiety like this since Kingdom. 

He and Changbin had gone to a fancy dinner like the latter had promised, and it was absolutely lovely– the perfect example of why Seungmin liked Changbin so much in the first place– but now it was the after.

Changbin was walking Seungmin over to his and Hyunjin’s apartment since Hyunjin had left his morning for his parents and Felix’s flight to Africa wasn’t for a few more hours. Changbin was acting normally, talking about something or other his eomma had been teasing him about, and all Seungmin could focus on was the fact that he wasn’t sure his heart was beating properly.

Tell him.

Seungmin’s chest was tight. His lungs weren’t expanding properly, but his breaths weren’t coming across as shallow verbally so maybe it was fine?

Tell him.

“Is this okay?”

No, no, no, no…

When Seungmin was a teenager, far before he even thought about being an idol and was on the path of becoming a pro baseball player, he got diagnosed with asthma. 

It had been exam season (his first real one since the end-of-the-year tests he had as a child didn’t feel real to him and this was the first time he was taking separate tests on separate days for separate subjects rather than just one test for all of them), and he had been sent to the nurse’s office because it was the third time that week that he had lost the ability to breathe.

The nurse had been confused on what had caused the “asthmatic attacks” since it wasn’t like he had been doing anything active. He had just been sitting at his desk as his teacher reviewed the subject matter and reintegrated how important these tests were, when suddenly he forgot how to breathe.

That’s what it was, that’s how he explained it to the teacher and nurse and his parents: he forgot how to breathe. They didn’t really understand. His older sister had suggested that it was potentially a panic attack, but Seungmin had googled the symptoms and they hadn’t exactly aligned with what he had experienced so he vetoed that diagnosis. 

This is how it went down: he’d start thinking about how much he had to do before the day of the test, how much he hadn’t done yet, then– in an attempt to calm himself down from getting worked up– he’d remind himself to breathe, only to realize that he 1) hadn’t been breathing for a while and 2) didn’t know how to  anymore. It was like as soon as he became aware of his need to breathe, he couldn’t anymore. The action stopped being automatic.

He had tried to explain it to the doctor when his eomma had taken him, and they said that he most likely had asthma. So, that’s what went onto his medical records, and that’s what he said he had until he became a trainee. 

Once he became a trainee, he had to do a physical evaluation– because someone who couldn’t dance for a few hours straight while singing at the top of their lungs with high energy or at least showed the potential of being able to get to that point probably couldn’t be an idol– and they physician had very simply said that there was no way he had asthma. He didn’t really show the symptoms. When Seungmin tried to reexplain the breathing situation, the man just gave him a curious look.

“You had semi-frequent moments of respiratory problems during high-stress situations?” The doctor had asked. Seungmin had nodded. “Sounds like anxiety; not asthma.”

Asthma disappeared from Seungmin’s medical record, and he went on to debuting so all was fine in the end, he supposed. Sure, he still had occasional moment– no more than five minutes usually or the rare ‘few hours’– of not being able to breathe, and sure, they weren’t always in high-stress situations so the whole ‘anxiety’ thing really didn’t make sense, and sure, he had witnessed a real panic attack via Jisung and it didn’t look anything like what he had experienced, but it was fine, manageable. So he was fine. A doctor said that it was anxiety, so it was anxiety.

The doctor could be wrong though…

Tell him.

Changbin unlocked his apartment and held the door for Seungmin. Seungmin shook off his shoes and realized that he hadn’t taken a full breath since Changbin paid the check. He tried to now, and he couldn’t.

Shit.

Changbin’s hand was warm when it cupped Seungmin’s cheek to make him face the elder before leaning in to kiss him.

The feel of Changbin’s lips against his was a familiar one– one that Seungmin tried to get lost in. The tension coiled in the core of his chest didn’t vanish though; it festered, settling into his stomach and sinking into his very bone marrow like quicksand.

It started soft– as kisses shared with Changbin usually did– but hunger quickly arose.

Changbin’s lips became more pressing, more passionate, and Seungmin matched him, desperate to try to escape the nerves that set fire to his very being. 

Tell him.

No no no no no

The door clicked three times behind them (Changbin turning the latch locked and unlocked three times like he knew Seungmin liked), and the sound (and the intention behind the action) soothed Seungmin more than he cared to admit, the tension uncoiling minutely in his chest.

Changbin also quickly paused to straighten their shoes so that they were perfectly lined up by the door before reaching for Seungmin again, his hands coming to the younger’s waist to pull them flesh together, and that too eased Seungmin’s nerves.

It was fine, Seungmin repeated to himself– his brain easier to convince when the boy he loved was right there in front of him, staring at him like he carried the very stars of the sky in his hands– because it was Changbin. Seungmin trusted Changbin. He trusted him with his life. He could trust him with this too.

Right?

Tell him.

No, it’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine.

Changbin wanted this, Seungmin reminded himself, and Seungmin liked Changbin. Seungmin loved Changbin. If this was something Changbin wanted…

 Maybe…

What if all of Seungmin’s hesitation and fear surrounding… this was because of the person? What if he just hadn’t liked those other boys– those boys from school– enough? What if it really was something he’d grow out of? What if all of the panic that had flooded his veins was just pre-performance nerves!? He hadn’t experienced full-force pre-performance anxiety in a long time, he hadn’t done anything as new as this in a long time, he hadn’t done something this… big in a long time. It made sense that he was nervous.

That’s what this was. Not panic. Not terror. Just a little bit of anxiety.

Changbin led the two of them away from the entrance into his room, and this too was fine. Objectively.

Seungmin liked Changbin’s bedroom, his bed; always had, really. Honestly, it was mindboggling how none of the kids had ever really guessed the truth behind Seungmin’s feelings for Changbin, seeing as he’d literally seek out and sleep in the elder’s bed out of comfort– even when they were all crammed into one dorm.

So, Changbin’s room was fine. Changbin’s bed was fine.

This was fine.

Seungmin was delicately lowered onto the bed: fine. Changbin hovered over him, still kissing him, still holding him like he was precious, desirable: fine. Changbin’s lips ventured away from Seungmin’s and down his neck, exploring the skin there like he hadn’t a million times before, marked it as his a million times before as well: also fine. Seungmin needed his mouth free so he could start breathing normally again anyways: fine. So fine. All fine.

Seungmin allowed himself to sink into the mattress below him, only arching up when Changbin sucked on that particularly sensitive spot behind his ear, but that was okay, that was normal. This was normal. This was familiar. This was fine.

Then Changbin’s hand landed on Seungmin’s belt.

Not fine. Not fine. Not fine!

Panic ceased through Seungmin as violent as a knife to the stomach, about as soft and subtle as a freight train. This wasn’t pre-performance anxiety. This was terror. 

Seungmin’s entire body revolted with panic, and the need to flee ceased him so tightly that he lost the ability to breathe. It had never happened this quickly before, and it scared him.

Maybe he wasn’t in love with Changbin, not as much as he thought he was anyways, if he couldn’t do this one fucking thing for him. Or maybe he was just a terrible person. A terrible coward of a person. 

Shit. Shit. Shit.

He thought he could do this for Changbin, but he was wrong. He was so fucking wrong.

What was worse than the fear was the disgust. It made Seungmin disgusted with himself– the revulsion that shot through him at the idea of doing it. What kind of decent person was this repulsed by the idea of being with their boyfriend in this kind of way?

Changbin looked up, a question in his eyes– probably if Seungmin was okay with this because that’s the kind of person Changbin was: a good person. Unlike Seungmin.

“Is this okay, baby?” Changbin asked softly, just like Seungmin thought he would, before placing a tender, gentle kiss at the crook between Seungmin’s neck and shoulder. His eyes were so dark, so honest, so adoring, so clear. It was so clear that Changbin loved him. So obvious. Practically painted across the man’s face every time he so much as looked over at the younger (it was a miracle the rumors between them were still nothing more than joking stipulation).

Changbin loved Seungmin, and Seungmin loved him too. He could do this. Couldn’t he? This one thing?

Seungmin nodded, tears hiding behind his lids.

“Yes,” Seungmin lied, voice quiet from breathless but that was excusable. He could do this for Changbin. 

Changbin’s responding smile was blinding. Worth it, Seungmin prayed. He hoped.

Would he love him if he couldn’t do this?

Changbin undid the latch of Seungmin’s belt and unzipped Seungmin’s pants. His hands were on the waistbands of Seungmin’s boxers and pants, ready to pull them off, when Seungmin realized he couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this.

He couldn’t do this!

‘Please forgive me,’ Seungmin begged before shouting out, “Stop!”

Changbin’s hands instantly stilled.

“Seungmin-ah? Baby, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Ow, ow!” Seungmin cried, finally allowing the tears to fall. His chest hurt, but he was finally able to breathe– even if it was just in gasps. “Ah!”

“Baby!?” Changbin’s voice was panicked, and Seungmin hated it, but he needed it– the separation, the distance. Changbin crawled off of Seungmin in a heartbeat, and Seungmin quickly pulled his knee up to his chest, clutching his ankle. “Oh my god, your ankle! Are you okay?”

Changbin quickly pulled Seungmin into a hug, careful to not jostle his ankle at all. Caring even as Seungmin lied to his face.

‘Please,’ Seungmin pleaded as he cried into Changbin’s shoulder. He wasn’t faking that at least. ‘Please, still love me after this.’

Changbin had gotten some painkillers for Seungmin to take. Then they got ready for bed side-by-side before crawling into bed together. Changbin had fallen asleep quickly, his chest to Seungmin’s back and an arm thrown over the younger’s waist. Seungmin couldn’t handle it anymore though. 

He carefully removed his boyfriend’s arm and left the bed, walking to the bathroom on a completely fine foot (as ‘completely fine’ as it was these days), and threw up in the toilet before falling to the floor to sob again.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“Liar.”

“Why ask if you aren’t going to believe my answer?” Seungmin sighed, lowering the book he was reading so he could look directly into his sister’s eyes. 

“I’d believe the truthful answer, so tell me that one.” 

Seungmin looked at her. His sister had always been one of the most reliable people in his life. They had always been weirdly close for siblings, never really arguing about much. She was the first person he came out as gay to, the first one to comfort him when he couldn’t play baseball after his injury, the one to suggest being an idol, the first one to support him when he decided to go for it, the one who drove him to his audition, the first person he ever confessed his crush to, the first person to understand his particularness, his first text when he and Changbin got together. 

But he had never told her about this.

“I think there’s something wrong with me.” He whispered.

Her smile dropped instantly, the teasing nature gone in less than a second. She dropped to the seat next to him with a frown. “What makes you think that?”

Another reason he loved his sister. She didn’t tell him that he was wrong, that he was okay. She didn’t offer blind reassurance. She, like him, wanted to know all the details before speaking. Another observer. 

“Changbin and I almost had sex two days ago.”

“Okay?”

“I lied and told him my ankle was hurting when it was fine, so he’d stop.” Seungmin explained. “Then I threw up.”

His sister frowned as she processed that information. “Okay, one thing at a time. Why did you lie about your ankle hurting? Couldn’t you have just asked him to stop. I’m sure Changbin would’ve understood and stopped.”

“He would’ve.”

“Then why didn’t you just say ‘stop?’”

“Because then he would’ve asked me why.”

“And why is that bad?”

“Because I can’t tell him the truth.”

“Why not?”

He just shook his head. She understood. Not what he meant, no, but that he wasn’t ready to talk about it. 

“Okay, next thing,” She tucked her feet underneath her. “Why’d you throw up?”

“Because of the very thing I can’t tell him.”

“That you can’t have sex with him?” Of course, his sister got there by herself. He nodded. “Why not? Do you not like him as much as you thought you did?”

You just haven’t met the right person yet.

It’ll change when you get older.

You’re just being dramatic.

You’re such a prude. You’re a tease.

You’ll grow out of it.

You don’t like him enough.

“I love him.” Seungmin confessed. “I love him so much, noona. I just can’t…”

“Why not?”

“I don’t think I can ever do it with anyone, not just Changbin.”

“Oh.” She tilted her head to the side. “So, you’re-”

“Yeah.”

“Why not tell him that? I’m sure Changbin will understand.”

“Maybe.” But what if he doesn’t?

“Just think about it, okay?”

Seungmin doesn’t think about it. He also doesn’t talk about it. 

He returns from his parents around the same time the rest of the members do, all of them ending their week break with the release of RUN IT. Then, preparations begin.

Album releases weren’t easy, and they weren’t left with a lot of free time. So, although Seungmin is spending loads of time with his boyfriend and they’re talking and they’re fine, but they’re not talking about it, where they left off before they went to visit their families. And it’s fine. 

It’s fine. 

It came up after they released THIS & THAT. They’ve been busy promoting it like no tomorrow, and they’re all exhausted and Changbin comes back to Seungmin’s apartment because Felix wanted to go with Hyunjin and no one can deny blond anything, so they split like that, switching roommates for the night– not like that was anything unusual.

They were both tired and exchanging sleepy kisses in Seungmin’s bed when Changbin’s hand started trailing lower and lower, and Seungmin, not expecting it like last time, wasn’t able to stop the way his entire body tensed.

Changbin noticed. Of course he did. He pulled away.

“Baby?” Changbin’s hand travelled back up to the highest part of Seungmin’s waist, resting right at the bottom of his ribcage. 

“Hm?”

“You’re not breathing.”

Oh, shit.

He wasn’t. Seungmin expanded his chest, but no air went into his lungs. He kept trying, and eventually he was able to breathe properly… once Changbin pulled away, sitting up against the headboard and turned the lamp on– properly on his side of the bed instead of Seungmin’s like he was. 

Shit. 

“Hyung-”

“What’s going on, Seungmin?” Changbin asked.

Seungmin faltered at the absence of emotion in Changbin’s tone. Changbin had never been emotionless or apathetic his entire life. He always had too many emotions or showed them too much– it was what Seungmin liked about him. 

If Seungmin was an observer because he liked seeing what people weren’t saying, Changbin was his favorite watch because he didn’t have to do that. He didn’t have to read between the lines with Changbin. There was no hidden message, no secret meaning; Changbin was honest. Seungmin liked that, just like he liked Changbin’s emotions. 

There were no emotions now.

Well, there were, but they were being held back. Changbin was hiding his emotions from Seungmin. He had never done that before. 

Changbin didn’t lie about what he felt. Maybe to STAY on occasion. They all did it, sure: lie to their fans, pretend to be happy when they weren’t, pretend that they weren’t uncomfortable, pretend they weren’t tired or stressed or angry or sad. Even honest people like Changbin pretended. But never with Seungmin.

It twisted Seungmin’s stomach more than his wandering hands had.

“Hyung?” Seungmin sat up as well, but with his back to the wall so that he could face his boyfriend (or at least his profile). “What are you talking about?”

“Don’t bullshit me, Seungmin!” 

There was some emotion. Frustration or maybe anger, but it was at least something. Seungmin hated that it relieved him.

“I’m not bullshi-”

“Bullshit!” Changbin cut him off, tugging at his hair. Not anger then, just frustration. “Seungmin, what the hell is going on? If you don’t want to do anything with me, want anything to do with me, then just tell me so!”

Seungmin faltered, heart dropping. “W-what?”

 Changbin climbed out of the bed, shaking his hands like he had energy that he didn’t know what to do with anymore.

“I thought you said you liked me.”

I love you. “I do like you.”

“Do you!?” Changbin exclaimed, the words coming from him like if they stayed inside of him any longer, they’d burst. “Because you certainly don’t show it!”

“So, what?” Anger built up in Seungmin’s chest, pushing away the fear and disgust and turning it ugly and red. “Just because I won’t let you fuck me, you think I don’t like you?”

“So, you admit it!” Changbin shouted, pointing at Seungmin. “You don’t want to have sex with me!”

“And that means I’ve lied about my feelings for you?” Seungmin didn’t want to have to crawl over the rest of the queen sized bed to get to the floor, so he just stood on his knees on top of the mattress. “What the fuck, Changbin!?”

“No, I don- ugh! I don’t think you lied about your feelings for me,” Changbin said with a groan. “I think you’re lying about them now!”

“What!?”

“Seungmin-ah, be honest with me,” Changbin stepped up to the mattress, his eyes jumping between Seungmin’s. “Do you no longer like me? Do you no longer have feelings for me? Because if that’s the case, I’d rather we talk about it and break up now rather than potentially mess up the group.”

Seungmin paused, “You’re thinking about the group right now? Work!?”

“Yes! Because we– us being together– affects more than just us!” Changbin shouted. “It’s already affecting the group! Chan-hyung’s already called me out on my lack of attention in the studio.”

“And that’s my fault!”

“No, it- for fuck’s sake, stop!” Changbin barked. “Why do you do this!? Why the fuck do you have to rile me up like this? Usually, it’s a joke, and I’m fine to play along. But this isn’t some bit for fans, this is our fucking relationship! Stop trying to start a fight in some shitty attempt to avoid your feelings, and just be honest with me!”

“I’m avoiding my feelings?” Seungmin repeated with a hiss, low in warning and anger.

“Yes! Like, seriously, Seungmin! Why don’t you want to have sex with me? Do you not like me anymore? Why can’t you just be honest with me!?”

Why can’t you just be honest with me?

Why can’t you just be honest with me?

Why can’t you just be honest with me?

Why…

“Every guy wants that.”

“And I’m assuming you haven’t talked about it with him?” 

“No, something has been bothering you for a while, puppy. Don’t think I didn’t notice.”

‘I’m fine.’

“When are you going to tell him?”

“Tell him.”

“I don’t think you can avoid this kind of conversation, Seungmin.”

“Why not tell him that? I’m sure Changbin will understand.”

But what if he doesn’t?

“I’m not lying to you.” Seungmin whispered.

Changbin scoffed, “Yeah, well, you’re not exactly being honest with me either, are you, Seungmin?”

Tell him.

“Hyung-”

“Please, Seungmin.” Changbin kneeled on the bed in front of Seungmin. “Just tell me the truth. You know that I love you, right? No matter what. Yeah?”

Hold on…

What?

“You love me?” Seungmin hated how quiet he sounded, how vulnerable.

“Baby,” Changbin breathed out. “You already know that.”

“But you haven’t said it yet.”

“I have to say it for you to believe it?”

Yes.

Seungmin didn’t say it aloud, but Changbin heard it anyway.

“I love you, Seungmin.” 

Tears slipped past Seungmin’s eyes.

Tell him.

“It’s Changbin-hyung, Min. He’d understand.”

“And nothing will change that.” Changbin continued. “Even if you’ve decided that you don’t feel the same, that you don’t want to be with me anymore, I’d still love you. Just be honest with me? What’s going on?”

“Are you sure?” 

“About what?”

Seungmin’s voice broke with a sob, “That you’ll love me? No matter what?”

“Seungmin, what’s going on?”

He couldn’t hold it back anymore, and Seungmin dropped to the mattress, unable to pretend that he was okay anymore. It wasn’t fine. He wasn’t fine.

Changbin grabbed Seungmin’s hands and pulled him into a hug. His touch felt like fire on Seungmin’s skin.

“I love you.” Seungmin cried into Changbin’s chest. “I love you too.”

“So what’s the problem, baby?” Changbin asked softly. “What’s going on?”

“I can’t-” ‘Tell him,’ but what if… “I can’t… I can’t love you the way you want me to. I’m sorry.”

“Seungmin-”

“I love you, I swear. I promise. But I can’t. Ever. And I tried, but I don’t- it scares- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Minnie-”

“I want to, but I-”

“Baby.” Changbin pulled away and cupped Seungmin’s face, silencing Seungmin. Changbin’s eyes turned impossibly fond and sad. “Oh, my love. What’s going on? What are you talking about? You’re loving me just fine right now.”

“But I’m not.” Seungmin’s lip wobbled, and he hated it. 

“What do you mean?” Changbin asked, confused. “If you love me, it’s enough.”

“It’s not though. You said it yourself.”

“What? I-” Changbin cut himself off once his own words caught up to him. “You mean…”

“I can’t do it, Changbin. I’m sorry.” Seungmin’s eyes blurred with tears. “I tried, I promise, but I- I can’t. I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Changbin promised. “If you’re not ready-”

“No, you don’t get it.” Seungmin whimpered. I love you. Please still love me after. “You- I’m never going to be ready.”

“What?”

“I can’t do it, Changbin.” Seungmin confessed, the words heavier than boulders in his stomach but he somehow managed to keep his voice stable. “I can’t have sex with you, and I never will. What now? Do you still love me?”

Something broke behind Changbin’s eyes. “Of course I do. Seungmin… my love for you has nothing to do with what you’ll do or not do for me in bed. I love you outside of that.”

Seungmin choked out another sob. “But-”

“No, baby, listen to me.” Changbin leaned closer until Seungmin could see the promise in Changbin’s eyes. “I don’t care if we never have sex. Do you love me?”

“What, of course I do-”

“Then that’s all I need.” Changbin smiled– a promise. “You love me, I love you, that’s it. What more do we need?”

“But you need-”

“I don’t need sex.” Changbin said. “I need you. Can you give me that?”

Seungmin looked at the man in front of him. At the man he loved. At the man who loved him. 

He nodded.

“Then that’s that.” Changbin kissed Seungmin, short but infinite in meaning. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

Because that’s all that mattered. That’s what Changbin said mattered, nothing else.

“And you swear that’s enough?” Seungmin asked since he couldn’t stop himself. 

“What more do I need?”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that you were asexual?”

Seungmin couldn’t stop the way his body tensed at the word.

“That is what you are, right?” Changbin asked. They were laying together again; only this time, they were faced towards each other, curled into each other’s embrace. “I mean, that’s what I assumed based on what you said earlier. About sex.”

“Yeah,” Seungmin whispered. “I- I am.”

“Okay,” Changbin’s thumb ran up and down where it sat on Seungmin’s neck. “Why didn’t you ever tell me? I mean, I know I didn’t even know you liked me until a few months ago, but these kind of details are important, no? Like… what you said earlier. Were you really just going to try and go along even though you hate it?”

“I love you.” Seungmin said as if it was enough. He thought it would’ve been. 

“And I love you.” Changbin told him. “Which means that I don’t want you to ever force yourself to do something that you hate just because you think it’d make me happy. Okay?”

“Okay.” Seungmin whispered back, voice soft. “I’m asexual.”

It was the first time he’d ever said it out loud. Sure, Jeongin knew and his sister now knew and he knew, but he had never said the words outright before. He had never dared. 

The words were out now, but it didn’t give Seungmin the relief he thought it would. There was no hidden weight gone. Hell, it hadn’t even been partially lifted. It just… settled, sinking into his very body and staying there like a tattoo– permanent now that he had finally officially assigned it a name.

“Okay.” Changbin said it like it was simple. Maybe it was to him; Seungmin wasn’t sure.  Changbin smiled good-naturedly. “Good to know.” 

“It doesn’t change anything?”

“I already told you it didn’t, didn’t I?”

“And you’re sure?”

Changbin kissed Seungmin before leaning away with a smile. “I’m sure.”

“So it went alright?” Jeongin asked, plopping down on the floor next to Seungmin, back to the dance studio mirror. 

“What makes you say that?” 

“You’re lighter than before.”

“Are you saying I’ve lost some weight?”

“Don’t be a smartass.”

“Ah, and I thought it was a fine look on me.”

Jeongin rolled his eyes. “You’re deflecting.”

“It’s in my nature.” Seungmin joked before he let himself be honest. “Yeah, it went alright.”

Jeongin grinned. “I told you so.”

“Brat.”

“Yeah, but a correct one.” He bragged. Seungmin rolled his eyes, still smiling. “Just like you’re an asexual in a relationship with the man you’ve crushed on since you were a teenager. I think we’ve both won here.”

Seungmin locked eyes with Changbin across the studio. He was mid-conversation with Minho and Jisung, but he was looking at Seungmin– love written blatantly across his features. 

‘I love you, Seungmin.’

‘I love you too.’

‘And that’s all I need.’

“Yeah,” Seungmin smiled. “I think we have.”